Life In The Balance
by Mizzdee
Summary: Bella's hopes, dreams, life and future were violently ripped away. She finally finds the strength to do what it takes to save her sanity but at what price? Can the man hired to help her remain professional long enough to save her life?
1. How I Got Here

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, musical content, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

I want to take the time to thank my pre-reader and newest friend Loulabelle19 for taking this story and making sure I do a good job. Her insight has been a tremendous help to me on this.

I can't say thanks enough to my beta and great friend andromida1964 who has lived this story with me and walked with me through every step of the way.

And a big thanks to all my WC girls who have encouraged me and have also given me some great comments and insight so I know this story is going where it needs to go. All of you ladies ROCK!

**A/N: This story contains violence, abuse and death. If you are sensitive to those issues, this isn't the story for you. **

**Also, A majority of this story is told through flashbacks as Bella recounts different events in her life. This story will be told primarily from Bella's pov unless otherwise indicated so I won't be putting that at the beginning of each chapter.**

**I truly hope you enjoy this journey into her life.**

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**September 13, 2009**

As I stood on the balcony overlooking the water, the sun on my face was sheer joy. The breeze was light and warm and the smells of the ocean cleared my mind. The setting sun brought another day to its end and I was going to enjoy this one.

The scene before me was glorious. The small puffs of clouds were lit with a mixture of fiery red and orange as they reflected the sun's dying brilliance. The golden tint to the water shined as the sun lowered itself in the distance. A beautiful melody created by the faint sounds of the nearby seagulls and the thunderous crashing of the waves below brought the whole scene to life. The trees on the cliff top to the north were dancing to its tune as the wind flowed through their branches.

It was funny how some people never realized the true harmony of God's creation surrounding us everyday. We just had to take the time from our busy lives to watch and listen. I probably wouldn't have noticed it either if I weren't in this place with my world coming to a dead stop waiting to see what direction, if any, my life and future would take after tonight.

While I contemplated how this night would end, my mind was taken back to how I ended up here. I could pinpoint the exact minute that changed my life. I could see every face belonging to those whose lives had been or would be forever altered by knowing me.

I breathed in the ocean air just before I brought the wine glass to my lips. I knew I shouldn't have anything that could dull my senses tonight but one glass of wine couldn't hurt. My eyes closed as the sweet liquid ran down my throat. I took a deep breath, opened my eyes and watched as the last sliver of the blazing sun dipped below the horizon.

_It's time to get ready._

I walked through the sliding glass door back into the family room and slowly made my way through the room making sure everything was in place for tonight. It had to be perfect.

I climbed the stairs heading to the bedroom. My clothes were laid out on the bed just waiting for me. I had never been a fan of the little black dress but tonight I would wear it just for him if it meant he would want to stay close to me. I showered making sure to use the freesia scented shampoo and conditioner that were always his favorite. As I completed my usual shower routine, I took a minute and just stood under the stream of water while I got ready to see him again.

One hour to go and I still didn't know how I wanted tonight to end. One outcome would allow me an eternity with the man I love. The other would force me to live a life completely alone. I had to choose…soon.

All the preparations were made and I still had a little time before he was supposed to get here. I pulled my old photos out from their hiding place and took a quick trip back in time. The faces of my friends stared back at me and I remembered the moment each picture was taken.

As I looked at the final picture in the pile his beautiful smile pulled at my heart. I stroked the picture with my index finger just as I would run it along his cheek every time we were together. The overwhelming need to see that smile again made my decision for me. My life was not complete without him. I had to be with him again.

Fifteen minutes to go now. I started to get anxious knowing he was almost here. The last thing I needed to do was set the mood. I turned the lights down giving the room a soft romantic glow. I put on the music that I chose specifically for tonight…all of his old favorites. Moving to the dining room, I set the table for two with a centerpiece made up of white and lavender roses with three pure white candles sticking out from the middle of the arrangement.

With five minutes left to go I heard the front door open and close in the other room. He always did like to be a little early wherever he went. My hands instantly started to shake, my breathing accelerated and my heart felt like it wanted to jump right out of my chest. I took a few deep, calming breaths regaining my control. I turned to face the kitchen counter to put the final touches on our dinner.

I heard his footsteps coming around the corner.

_Breathe Bella. You can do this. Just breathe._

A shiver went through me as I heard him speak.

"My beautiful Bella." His voice had a seductive tone to it. "Just how I remember you."

I released the breath I had captured in my lungs, smiled and turned around to see him lounging against the wall. His arms were folded across his chest and he had that smirk on his face that he knew I couldn't resist. He looked different; more refined than he used to. Standing there in a nice pair of black slacks, grey turtleneck and black suit jacket he was more handsome than I remember. I took in a sharp breath and raised my eyebrow as my eyes looked him over from head to toe giving him an enticing smirk of my own.

_Stay calm Bella. He can't know how much he gets to you._

"Don't you look nice?" It was all I could say at the moment.

I turned instantly back to the counter so I could take a couple more soothing breaths that he wouldn't notice. When I turned back to him I had a plate in each hand as I brought the food to the table. Once the plates were in their proper place I made my way to where he was standing.

"I knew you would be early." I grabbed his hand and led him to the table. "You had a long trip and you must be hungry." I looked into his eyes. "Let's eat."

He eyed the plate that held his steak dinner. "You always know what I like," he said as he picked up his fork to eat.

A soft laugh escaped my lips. "How could I forget?"

We ate in relative silence stealing glances at each other the entire time. It had been so long since I had seen him. I was breathing a little harder as his presence, so close to me, brought such strong emotions to the surface.

He laid his utensils down after his last bite. He brought his eyes up to mine. "I'm happy you called." He reached out and brushed his fingers across my cheek. "We've been apart far too long, Bella."

I closed my eyes as he touched me. "I couldn't stay away from you anymore." I opened my eyes to see him staring at me. "I've wanted to call you for a long time now."

The smile on his face grew. He knew he had me. This is what he had been waiting for. What he had begged me for since the day I walked out. I decided to give him what he wanted.

"Do you know what else I've wanted for a long time," I used the sultry voice that he loved to hear. "I want you… to come closer… and," I whispered the last two words, "…kiss me."

He moved the hand that rested on my cheek to reach around the back of my neck. He pulled me toward him slowly savoring the moment just as I was. Everything I wanted was within my reach.

_Closer. I need to be closer._

I put my hand on the table for support as I leaned forward to meet him halfway.

He stopped just before his lips touched mine. "Baby, you don't know how much I want this."

In that instant of hesitation every memory passed before my eyes.

"Not even half as much as I do." I brought my lips to his, finally getting him right where I wanted him.

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**December 14, 2009**

"God damn it Bella! Will you just help me out here?"

The folders being slammed onto the table ripped me away from my past. I was sitting on a chair by the window. I didn't want to speak to him. His presence wasn't needed and it definitely wasn't wanted.

I turned my head to look at the folders sprawled across the table. I lifted my eyes to see his reddened face. I laughed knowing it would piss him off. "Don't throw a fit. I can see that vein in your forehead again. One of these days it's gonna pop."

His hands instantly balled up into fists. "Don't you get it? If you don't start talking there's no way we're getting through this."

"What makes you think I care?" I narrowed my eyes while giving him my attitude because it really didn't matter to me. Also getting him all riled up was the only entertainment I had these days.

He forcefully pushed his chair into the table as he turned his back on me. I had the image in my head of him counting to ten. That visual caused me to snicker but I kept it quiet. He calmed down enough to let his hands fall loose but I could still hear the frustration in his voice. "Bella this is your freedom we're talking about here."

That statement sent me into hysterics. He whipped around at the sound of my laughter.

"Are you serious? You're fucking laughing about this," he screamed and his face went red again.

After a few minutes my eyes were watering, my sides hurt and I couldn't breathe. He threw his hands up in defeat and started packing up his things. He looked like he wanted to get as far from me as he possibly could.

I calmed myself down enough to speak. I was still breathing pretty heavily but the sentence was clear. "What do you know about my freedom?"

Something about saying that out loud cleared my head and now I was yelling back at him. Rage colored my tone as I spoke. "My freedom was taken from me four years ago. I'm living in a cage but it's still the most freedom I've had since the first day we met."

He looked shocked at my words. Of course, those two sentences were the most I had ever shared with him about my past. He pulled my chair to the table and motioned for me to sit down. He brought his chair around to my side so he could sit next to me.

"Tell me what you mean," he said in a calm voice.

I didn't like to have anyone that close to me. I jumped out of the chair and walked over to lean against the far wall. I crossed my arms over my chest and sighed in defeat. "Alright if you really want to hear it, I have to start way before that night. Are you sure you're up for that?" I challenged him.

"Bella, you've been charged with first degree murder. In three months I am going to be fighting with everything I have to save you from a life sentence or worse. Starting from the beginning will give me everything I need to do just that."

"No one has been able to save me yet, counselor. Don't get your hopes up."

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**Thanks for reading. Please take a minute and let me know what you think. I always love to hear it.**

**I'll be posting new chapters of this story every Wednesday. You can also follow me on twitter for little teasers during the week. Find me using mizzdee_FF**


	2. The Beginning

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.**

**I couldn't post anything without thanking my pre-reader and friend Loulabelle19. Thanks for keeping me on track, babe. Love you.**

**I can't say thanks enough to my new super beta, agoodwitch, for taking on this story when my friend had to take a step back for awhile. You're awesome lady. Thanks for stepping up for me.**

**As always, a big thank you goes out to all my WC girls. Thanks for keeping me writing.**

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**Chapter 2 - ****The Beginning**

**December 14, 2009**

"You have to give me everything Bella; names, dates and places. I need full details of everyone involved whether you think they're significant or not. I need you to be as specific as possible. Are you willing to give me that?" He asked hesitantly.

I grabbed my chair and moved it to the opposite side of the table. I still didn't want him sitting that close to me especially when I dove back into my past. There was only one other person I had ever explained my past to. Look how that turned out.

I leaned my elbows on the table and put my head in my hands. I just had to think.

_How much should I tell him? I can't tell him everything…can I?_

I lifted my head and saw him staring at me. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul and I really hoped that was true. As I looked into his eyes now, I saw kindness, compassion and…something else. Something I'd only seen one other time.

"Can I trust you?" I asked with the greatest apprehension.

"With your life, Bella." His answer was simple.

"I hope you feel that way when this is over counselor." I leaned back in my chair to get comfortable and took myself back to the day we met.

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_**June 4, 2005**_

_Graduation day. We were so excited. It felt like it took forever to come. Out of the five of us only Emily, Sam and I were graduating. Jake and Leah were a year behind us so they still had to wait._

_After graduation was over, the crowd was let out of the arena where they packed into the hallways coming together in little groups of families to celebrate. I didn't have any family that would be hanging around to congratulate me. My parents died just before I started college and I didn't have any brothers or sisters. I was lucky enough to have my best friend Emily around to help me get through it all. I didn't know how I would have made it without her._

_Emily Young and I met in our junior year in high school. She was beyond beautiful. She's Native American, so she had naturally brown skin that was as smooth as silk. Her eyes were the darkest brown I'd ever seen. You would think they were black if you saw them from a distance. She had a gorgeous complexion. I don't think I'd ever seen a pimple on her face since the day we met. Her hair hung to the small of her back, and looked and felt like it was made of charcoal colored satin; it was that soft._

_We were supposed to meet by section A on the main level so that's where I was headed. I had to push my way through the crowd to find them. I saw her coming from the opposite direction._

"_Emily!" I shouted so she could hear me over the commotion made by all the graduates and their families._

_She turned and waved when she heard me. "Bella!" She yelled back as she jumped up and down in her excitement._

_I ran up to her and wrapped her in a big hug. "We did it, girl! Can you believe it?"_

"_Yeah, it's about time too. I was getting so tired of this place." Emily laughed._

"_Hey, what about me?" Sam, Emily's boyfriend, said with a hurt look on his face. I let go of Emily and threw my arms around him next as he lifted me off the ground._

_Sam was a big guy. He was six feet five inches tall with big, broad shoulders and muscles that you wouldn't believe. He's an ex-football player. I say ex because, now that college was over he wasn't going to play anymore. It was never his dream to go pro. He used his skills on the field to get scholarship money. He always wanted to work as a book editor._

"_Hey babe, aren't you glad we're done?" I asked him and planted a kiss on his cheek._

"_Shhh…I thought we were gonna keep us a secret. You can't call me that with this one," he jerked his head in Emily's direction, "standing too close. And you know you shouldn't be kissing me when she's around."_

_I slapped my hand to my forehead, "Damn it! I keep forgetting that part. You better put me down then before she gets suspicious."_

"_Oh God…you two are absolutely ridiculous," Emily said making us all laugh._

"_Where's Leah?" Sam asked after our laughter died down._

_Leah Clearwater was Emily's younger cousin. She was a year behind us in school so she hadn't graduated with the rest of us. She looked a lot like Emily but she was just an inch or two shorter._

"_I sent her to get the car and bring it around front," Emily said._

"_Well then, let's get the hell outta here." I grabbed her hand and started pushing people out of our way as we headed for the door._

_After making our way outside, I looked up and groaned. The sky was a dull gray with some dark gray clouds, almost black, not too far off in the eastern sky. They looked like they were going to bring one hell of a storm. I hated stormy days like this. Something bad always seemed to happen on these kinds of days._

_Leah pulled the car up to the curb and we ran to jump in. With everyone loaded, we headed to the restaurant for lunch. It was a local steakhouse, not a five-star restaurant but nicer than we had ever been to. _

"_Where's Jake?" Sam asked Leah when she asked for a table for four._

"_He couldn't take off work. He's really sorry he's going to miss everything but they've got him headed for a short trip out of town today," Leah said apologetically. "He'll be back tomorrow."_

_Jacob Black drove a truck for one of the area trucking companies. He was Leah's age and they had been dating since their freshman year in college. He was as nice a guy as you'll ever find and he treated Leah like gold. I had never seen a couple that belonged together more than those two._

"_Well, we'll just have to get him a meal to go then. Pick something good, Leah." I was feeling generous. __I loved Jacob and, in a perfect world, he would have been my kid brother. We were as thick as thieves from the minute we met__ so I always tried to be good to him._

_We went through our meal just talking and laughing and hanging out like we always did. It was nice to know that none of us had to leave because we were studying for something or we had a class that we couldn't miss. Freedom was good thing. Personally, I was going to be enjoying it._

_The waitress was bringing our desserts to the table and, as she tried to put my cheesecake in front of me, she dropped it. The cheesecake stayed in one piece and landed on the floor with the plate but the strawberry topping was all over my pants._

"_Fuck!" I screamed when I felt it hit my leg._

"_Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry," the waitress apologized as she handed me one of the rolled up napkins she pulled from another table. "Please, let me help you."_

_In a minute the calmer side of me prevailed. "It's okay. I'll just go and wash this off."_

"_I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened," she continued to apologize._

"_It's okay really. I've waited enough tables to know that things just happen," I said trying to let her know that I was okay._

"_I'm so getting fired over this." Now she was just sounding resigned to the fact that she was going to lose her job. I couldn't have that happening over an accident._

_I put my hand on her shoulder. "Listen, let me go clean up and I'll have a talk with your manager. I don't want you to get fired over a small mistake." I gave her a smile and walked to the bathroom._

_Emily and Leah came into the bathroom a couple of minutes later telling me how they saw the manager really letting the girl have it. I blew out a deep breath and finished rinsing off my pants. I didn't want to walk out of the bathroom with a big wet spot in the front so I stepped into the stall and took them off._

_My girls saved me. Leah stood guard at the door to make sure no one wanted to come in and Emily held my pants under the electric hand dryer attempting to dry the spot quickly. It only took five minutes because my pants weren't very thick; no jeans thank God._

_Once I was dressed, I made sure I looked okay before walking back out to the table. As the three of us left the bathroom, a very, very handsome blond man was walking toward us. The girls walked past him and he came directly at me._

_Fuck me! Did I say this man is handsome? Hell no, he is fucking gorgeous. I thought._

"_Excuse me, Miss."_

_He stopped me. This had to be the manager. He was dressed in a nice black on black suit with a white tie. He looked like he could be one of those rugged outdoor types if he didn't have to keep a nice clean-shaven appearance for work. He had ice-blue eyes that made me weak at the knees. He could probably be a model or something. He was just too damn sexy for his own good. _

_I stumbled over my response, "Umm…y-yes."_

_He smiled at that and he revealed a perfect set of gleaming white teeth. That smile alone made my stomach fill with butterflies. Other parts of my body reacted too, but I couldn't worry about those right now._

"_I am aware of the recent incident and I want to express my deepest apologies."_

_He looked sincere enough._

"_I assure you I will take care of this situation immediately."_

_I had to stop him. "No please, it was a simple mistake. It could have happened to anyone. Please allow this to slide. I wouldn't want this to cause trouble for anyone."_

_He flashed that smile again. "Well at least allow me to take care of your meal then. It's the least I can do."_

_I put one hand up in a motion for him to stop. "No, you don't have to do that. It's not necessary."_

_He grabbed my hand and held it between both of his. "Please, I insist."_

_My mind focused on the feel of his hands on mine. The smile returned to his face. I was sure I was making a fool of myself because I was at a loss for words at the moment._

_He used my hand to pull me a little closer. He stepped to my side and put one hand on my back to guide me forward. He spoke as we walked. "So, what do you say? Will you allow me to do this for you as a sign of how sorry I really am?"_

_I looked over at him and he had an angelic expression on his face. "I guess that would be okay. It's completely unnecessary though." I couldn't refuse that face._

"_Great." His smile widened and I swear there was a gleam in his eyes. "I do hope this experience will not stop you from visiting us again."_

_He led me back to the table and he apologized again to everyone this time. He nodded to me and turned to walk back towards the kitchen. About ten minutes later the waitress brought Jake's meal and the check and handed both to me. I thanked her as I looked at the check._

_Holy shit! This can't be right._

"_Excuse me," I called to get the waitress' attention._

"_Yes ma'am."_

"_I think you made a mistake. It was only supposed to be my meal that was taken off." I was shocked. "This says there's no charge at all."_

_She answered with a smile, "No ma'am that is correct."_

"_But this is almost two hundred dollars worth." I was at a loss. No manager in his right mind would do something like this if he wanted to keep his job._

"_The manager sends his deepest apologies." With that last statement, she walked away leaving me staring after her._

_I turned back to the table and Emily ripped the folder out of my hands. "Are you serious? The whole check?"_

"_Yeah." I grabbed the folder back from her to take the receipt and stick it in my purse. I needed proof that this was for real before someone came to arrest me for walking out without paying._

_As I pulled the check out of the folder I notice the small business card underneath. The restaurant logo was in the upper left corner, the phone number in the lower right corner and in the middle it read 'James Denton, manager'. I pulled it out and noticed the writing on the back. 'See you again' was all it said._

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"You know, I should have known." I paused and he spoke before I could finish.

"What should you have know?" He asked.

"That something bad was going to happen." A small laugh escaped my lips. He just sat in his chair with a curious expression on his face. "The feel of that day with the dark clouds and the storm moving in, something bad always happens on those kinds of days."

"I'm not following you," he said and his face looked even more confused.

"I wish I would have seen it back then." The puzzled look never left his face. "I've had a lot of time to think about this. He set me up that day."

"How so?"

"Come on counselor. I know you're not stupid so think about it. Who would really comp an entire check worth two hundred fucking dollars? His _intention_ was to catch my eye…to get me interested."

Just thinking about him and his games made me want to punch something. I couldn't believe I fell for it. I got out of my chair and walked over to the window again. I thrust one hand into my hair and clenched my fist. The pull relieved the tension that was starting to build up in my head.

"If I'm being completely honest, I think he told that waitress to do it. He needed to see." I let the sentence die on that last word.

"See what exactly?" He asked another stupid question.

"If you're not smart enough to figure that shit out counselor, I don't know if I want you working on this case."

"Don't get pissy with me, little girl. You wouldn't speak to a soul until I showed up and the only words you've spoken to me are ones that I'm sure were meant to piss me off and get me to leave. Now that you're actually talking, you expect me to know all the answers right away." He was out of his chair pacing the room.

I really did like pissing him off. Watching that vein in his forehead swell up and his face get all red was really a funny sight. It's the only fun I allowed myself to have here. This time it wasn't intentional though. He really was asking some stupid questions.

He walked over and stood right in front of me as he spoke. "All you've told me so far is that a guy did something for a beautiful woman so she would notice him. You believe he set you up and he was waiting to see something but you won't tell me what that something is."

I sighed knowing I had to spell this out for him. "He wanted to see my reaction. To see if I would get angry over what happened. When I didn't he knew I was the type of girl he wanted."

His eyes flickered back and forth between mine before he walked back to the table. He sat down and wrote a few notes on his legal pad. He spoke a few seconds later. "We still have little time today. Is there anything else you want to go over with me?"

I shrugged. "I'll tell you about the day I'll regret for the rest of my life."

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_**July 2, 2005**_

"_No, get that dark orange one. It looks better with your skin tone." I pointed to the shirt Leah had in her left hand. She was trying to find the perfect outfit to wear for the Fourth of July party that we were having._

"_Do you really think it looks good? You think Jake will like it?" She knew her style but for some reason she always looked for approval on her clothing choices._

"_Leah, it's perfect. You know Jake doesn't care what you wear. Besides he'll be coming home from four days on the road, right. He'd probably prefer you wear nothing at all." I winked at her._

"_Ugh, Bella…" Her voice trailed off as she turned and stormed back into the dressing room._

"_Come on Le, you know you love it," I called after her. She didn't answer but I heard her little giggle from the other side of the door._

_A minute later she came out of the dressing room with the orange halter and a black mini skirt hanging over her arm. She hooked her arm in mine and we walked to the check out counter._

_We weren't supposed to meet Emily for lunch for another half an hour so we decided to wander the downtown streets for a while before heading to the restaurant. Leah spotted a sports store and wanted to go check out their merchandise._

_Jake's birthday was coming up and she had been looking for something to buy for him. The new football jerseys were hitting the shelves and she wanted to buy one for him since football season was only a couple of months away. She finally picked out the one she wanted and we left the store._

_It was just about time so we made our way back the two blocks to the restaurant. When we got there, Emily already had a table for us. After our greetings, we picked up the menu and made our choices._

_The food was good and we spent most of the time talking about the party in a couple of days. We were making lists and making sure we had everything ready when the waiter came around and asked if we wanted dessert. We ordered and I picked up my pen to finish writing our To Do List._

_Out of nowhere Emily started laughing. Leah and I just looked at each other wondering what we missed. We both look at Emily confused._

"_Feel like sharing," Leah asked with raised eyebrows._

"_Bella, you ordered the cheesecake," she said as she tried to control herself._

"_Yeah…so. Don't I always?" This shouldn't be news to her. Strawberry cheesecake has been my dessert of choice since I'd known her._

"_Oh yeah." Leah joined in now and I was seriously wondering about the mental health of my two best friends._

"_You two have some serious problems. What the hell is wrong with you?" I was a little annoyed because I was obviously the butt of this little inside joke of theirs._

"_Bella, don't you remember?" Emily asked me but I was still lost._

"_Lunch after graduation," Leah finished her thought._

_It took me all of two seconds to remember that day. Once I did I was laughing right along with them. "I actually forgot about that. Well shit, I better pay more attention this time. Strawberry sauce definitely doesn't go with these white shorts."_

_The laughter continued until Leah saw the waiter coming with our desserts. We sobered up quickly and I made sure to keep my hand under the plate as the waiter put it down. He got a little offended but I was not going to wear another cheesecake._

"_Okay now that we're all thinking about it, did you ever see that guy again?" Emily's curiosity got the better of her._

"_Why would I? It's not like we can afford to eat there all the time." I wished we could have gone in there again but the funds just wouldn't cooperate with that plan._

"_Well, we come here all the time," Leah said like her point should be obvious. "Why don't you just walk around the block and go see him?"_

"_Yeah, I never thought about how close we were. You should do it, Bella." Emily pushed._

"_I can't just walk in there. He's working." I totally would have but something like that could get him in trouble. That was definitely not the way to make an impression._

"_He's the manager, Bella. Who's going to say anything?" Leah had a point._

"_No I can't. It's been too long." I tried to come up with a good excuse. "He wouldn't remember me anyway."_

"_Excuses, excuses." Emily got a mischievous grin on her face. "I dare you, Bella."_

"_No, I double dare you," Leah piped in. _

"_Triple dare." They were trading dares back and forth before I could even say anything._

"_Alright, what are we…ten? I'll go if you two shut the hell up about it." I wasn't upset or angry with them even though they pulled out the fifth grade dare cards. As I expected, the juveniles in front of me exchanged high fives with big ass grins on their faces._

_Emily couldn't get the check fast enough. We were out the door and the two of them were pushing and dragging me down the street. I was nervous to see him. I just didn't do shit like this. I may be bold with my friends but we had been together for so long we're more like a family than anything else._

"_I can't do this." I jerked away from them as his restaurant came into view._

"_Bella, just walk in." Emily was behind me, not giving me the option of turning and running away._

"_What would I say to him?" My hands started to shake and my palms started sweating._

"_We have to make this good." Leah got the twinkle in her eye and went into matchmaker mode. "Alright, walk in there and ask for the manager. When they go to get him, you turn towards the window so he can't see your face. Turn around slowly when he's standing behind you to give him just that little bit of anticipation."_

_Damn, how did she get so good at this? I wondered._

"_What if it's not him? What if he's not working today?" That thought made me even more nervous because I didn't want to make a fool of myself._

_Leah stood in front of me with her hands on my shoulders and looking me right in the eye. "That's a risk you're going to have to take."_

_Emily leaned in now and whispered her vote of confidence in my ear, "You got this, Bella. Now get in there," she said as she shoved me hard toward the door._

_My feet felt like they had turned into one hundred pound weights. My throat instantly became dry and I didn't think I could talk. It was honestly only twenty steps to the door but it felt like it took an hour to get there. I reached for the door and noticed how much my hands were shaking. My girls were on the corner waving their hands in a frantic shooing motion making sure I didn't give in to my fear causing me to run as quickly as I could in the opposite direction._

_I took in a deep breath and pulled the door open. Cool air greeted me in a rush as I stepped in. It was a relief to my overly heated skin._

_The hostess gave me a polite greeting, "Good afternoon Miss. How many will be dining with us today?"_

"_Umm…none," I hesitated. I drew in one more deep breath to gain some courage. "Can I please speak with your manager?"_

"_Yes Miss. Please wait here." She smiled as she walked away._

_I turned to the window just like Leah told me to. I was ready to throw up right there, but I tried to reign in my anxiety. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the girls crouched down by the corner of the front window trying to watch. The sight of the two of them hiding there trying to keep from being seen was funny and I let out a small laugh._

"_Excuse me, Miss. My name is James. How may I help you?" I forgot how nice his voice sounded._

_I turned slowly just as Leah instructed. It was a good thing too because I was sure I would have fallen if I turned too fast. I made sure I was smiling as I turned to face him. When he saw me, his eyes and then his smile doubled in size._

"_Well hello. It's nice to see you here again." His brow furrowed slightly. "Are you dining alone today?" _

"_No. I… uh… just ate. I came in here to talk to you." I couldn't be any more nervous if I was standing in front of a firing squad. Actually, I might welcome that firing squad right now._

"_Please sit." He motioned to the couches to the right of the hostess desk._

_I did as he asked and sat on the couch. I kept my head down, looking at my hands while he took a seat next to me. I was at loss for words. I had no idea what I was going to say to him when I walked in here. I didn't do things like this._

_He was bold enough to put a finger under my chin to lift my face to his. "You came in here to talk, right. Please, just talk." He flashed his smile._

"_Well… uh… um… I was having lunch around the corner. My friends asked if I had come in here since…" I trailed off when I remembered that day. "Oh gosh I never thanked you for the last time."_

"_It was nothing." He put his hand up to dismiss the subject. "Please don't mention it. It was the least I could do."_

"_But that was a lot of money. You really shouldn't have done that. I felt really guilty about it. How did they not fire you?"_

"_They're not going to fire me so you shouldn't feel guilty. Besides, I got you to come back and see me didn't I?" He reached out and touched my hand lightly as he smiled. I was about to say something but the hostess interrupted us._

"_Excuse me, Mr. Denton." I saw a tiny flash of annoyance in his eyes as he looked up._

"_Yes Kate," he answered politely._

"_I'm sorry to interrupt, but you're needed in the kitchen." She stood quietly, waiting for his response._

_He pulled his hand away from mine and balled up his fist. The smile was still on his face when he answered, "Please tell them I am on my way."_

_The hostess turned and walked away. I felt guilty again. I knew I shouldn't be bothering him at work. I stood up so I could leave him to his business._

_He was on his feet immediately. "Wait, don't leave." He grabbed for my hand again, but he got my wrist instead. "This will only take a second."_

"_No, I shouldn't have come while you're working. I'll tell you what…" I took a pen and fished his business card out of my purse. I wrote under the words that he wrote me the last time I was here. I handed the card back to him. "We're having a party on the Fourth. You can stop by if you're not working." I felt the extreme blush shoot from my neck up to my forehead as I realized what I had just done._

_Oh my God Bella! You just asked him out! The voice in my head screamed._

_Before my embarrassment completely overtook me, he asked, "What time?"_

_His eager question made me smile. "Seven o'clock."_

_He flipped the card over, saw my address written there and gave me a smile that made my body go into overdrive. His blue eyes came back to mine as he took a step closer to me. He leaned in, kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear, "I'll see you then."_

_He excused himself and walked away. I walked outside and saw the girls waiting to pounce. I sprinted past them and made my way around the corner before I stopped to let them catch up. They found me leaning against the wall practically hyperventilating._

"_Bella, are you okay?" They were both concerned._

"_I asked him to come to the party," I said while staring at the ground._

_They stood in shock for a second before I heard the high-pitched screams and felt their arms around me._

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

"The signs were there, even then. Why the FUCK didn't I see it?" My screaming caught the guard's attention but I could care less. I couldn't control the anger flowing through me. I shot out of my chair and was beating my fists against the wall within seconds. I needed the release.

I felt hands on my back, and out of sheer reflex, I swung at their owner. I watched him stagger back a few steps after my fist made contact with his cheek. In a flash, the door swung open, my hands were behind my back and the guard had his handcuffs around one of my wrists.

"LET GO OF ME!" I fought against him with every ounce of energy I had. He wasn't getting the other wrist without a fight. A second guard appeared with his gun pointed at my chest. I knew I wasn't going to win.

"Gentlemen, please that's not necessary. You can let her go." He had one hand raised to the guards and the other was on his cheek covering the spot where my fist made contact.

"Fuck you, counselor! I don't need your help." I was still fighting the guard who was trying to put the cuff on my other wrist.

"Keep it up, Swan. You're only making this worse," the guard warned.

"Please, it was just a misunderstanding. Let her go." He was a little more forceful with his second request.

I felt the tightening around my wrist just before I heard the final click. "I told you, you couldn't help me!" I yelled as I kicked at the second guard who had just put his gun away. He grabbed my ankle and jerked me hard enough to get me off my feet.

"LET GO OF ME!"

He now had both my legs and the two guards were carrying me out of the room. I fought them the whole way.


	3. The Party

**Disclaimer:** **The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.**

**I couldn't post anything without thanking my pre-reader and friend Loulabelle19. Thanks for keeping me on track, babe. Love you.**

**I can't say thanks enough to my awesome beta, agoodWITCH, for helping me make this story nice and pretty and ready for reading.**

**As always, a big thank you goes out to all my WC girls. You have given me such encouragement with this story. Much love to all of you.**

* * *

**Chapter 3 – The Party**

**December 18, 2009**

I guess, for most of the women here, solitary confinement was a punishment. I had spent the better part of the last four years in my own self-imposed solitary, so it didn't matter to me. When they threw me in here three days ago most of the guards thought it was funny because they finally got a reaction out of me. They had never seen my pain…my anger. They got a good look that day at the breakdown of Bella Swan.

All I could do was cry that first day. It took every ounce of strength I had in me over the years not to think about my old friends anymore. I loved and missed them so much, but they were better off without me in their lives. They knew it and I was sure after the story hit the news that was why they didn't try to come find me now. Self-preservation was one thing but when you have to do what's best to save the ones you love, nothing else in the world mattered…not even the love of a best friend.

I spent the past two days regaining my control. I couldn't lose it again. There was no way I would let any of them see me in pain again. None of them really cared anyway. There was only one person who ever cared about the real me…the good and the bad. But he had to leave me too. What would he say if he could see me now?

_Stop it Bella. Get it together._

Now I had got that goddamn lawyer pretending he cared. He didn't give a shit about me. I was just a paycheck to him. He thought reliving my fucked up life was going to help somehow. He just didn't get it. I had told him repeatedly over the last three months that he couldn't help me…couldn't save me. I knew I would spend the rest of my life alone in this place the minute I saw that fucking cop's face. I knew it was his job to save the ones he could but what he didn't realize was that he didn't do me any big favor by saving me that day. He should have just let me die.

"Swan," the guard's voice interrupted my thoughts, "get your ass out of bed. Your lawyer is here."

"Fuck him." My voice contained no real anger as I said it. There was just no reason to see him. I heard the metal door swing open and felt the guard's hand on my ankle to drag me out of bed.

"I said get your ass out of bed." He yanked me off the mattress and dropped me on the floor.

"Newton, that's enough." The second guard showed up just in time to move me down to the meeting room. "You've already been warned once. Now take off. I got this."

Newton growled as he pushed past the second guard. Just before he passed through the cell door, his eyes found me where I was still sitting on the floor. "Hit him again, Swan. Give him two black eyes so I can throw your ass back in the hole."

"Newton!" The second guard said through gritted teeth. He turned to help me up. He gave me a sympathetic smile that lasted about two seconds before he clicked the cuffs in place. "Move your ass, Swan." He moved behind me and pushed to get me out of the cell.

This man was an enigma. He was a hard ass when he dealt with the other guards and some of the inmates but I heard he also had a softer side that showed up when he saw one of us being mistreated. I had never seen him show an ounce of sympathy but today he did.

"What's your deal, Whitlock? What's up with the fucking mood swings?" No answer of course. He never talked to anyone unless it was to give out orders. We walked in silence to the meeting room. He unlocked and opened the door then pushed me inside.

I felt slightly guilty when I saw the black eye on my lawyer's face. Only slightly because he started this shit. If he wanted me to talk then he was going to have to deal with the aftermath of what those talks brought up.

I was about to take my seat when he spoke, "You can take those cuffs off."

"Are you sure?" Whitlock asked.

"She'll be fine. She's harmless." He smirked as he said the last two words.

"Fuck you counselor. If I'm so harmless, why are you the one with the black eye?" I gave him a smirk of my own.

The pull on my arm knocked me off balance and I fell into the chair. "Cool it Swan or the cuffs stay on." We stared each other down for about a minute before he removed the handcuffs with more force than he needed to. "I will be right outside that door. _You_ keep your cool today," he commanded as he towered over me with a finger pointed at my chest.

I kept my mouth shut as he walked out into the hallway, shutting the door behind him. I couldn't figure him out so I didn't want to push him.

"Bella, I'm sorry you got stuck in solitary. I tried to get you out but you attacked the guard and there was nothing I could do," he apologized.

I shrugged. "Don't sweat it."

"I've been thinking a lot about our last meeting," he said as he pulled his legal pad out of his briefcase. "You kept saying that you should have known what was going to happen and that there were signs. How would you have known what those signs were? You were never in that type of relationship before."

I left my hands in my lap and kept my eyes on the table. "They just seem so obvious." I lost the rough edge in my voice when I continued, "But really, I should have known after that party. It was all there but I was too into him to notice."

"Tell me about it," he urged.

I reached up and grabbed two fistfuls of hair and pulled. Once the tension was relieved, I brought my hands to my face and pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes. I groaned. I didn't want to do this but I knew I had to keep going.

"The night was almost perfect. I was happy and hopeful that I finally found someone." I put my arms on the table and rested my head on my hands. "I wish I knew then how wrong I truly was."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_**July 4, 2005**_

_We had everything ready to go. It was almost seven so Sam started to cook. We were grilling up a feast…hot dogs, burgers, chicken and steak. The sides were your typical potato and pasta salads, baked beans and corn on the cob. For dessert, Emily made her famous red, white and blue cake. We couldn't do Fourth of July without it._

Our friends started to show up just after seven. Everyone was out back drinking, talking and having a good time while Emily, Leah and I were constantly in and out of the house, playing hostess to everyone.

_Sam had the food done and we were all just sitting down to eat when Leah came up behind me and wrapped her arms around me._

"_Hey Bella, are you ready?" she whispered in my ear._

_Confused by her question, I asked one of my own, "Ready for what, Le."_

_She gripped me tighter. "For the blond haired, blue eyed sexy thing that's waiting at the front door for you."_

_I turned to face her with a speed that almost sent me flying into the table. If she didn't catch me that's probably what would have happened._

"_He really came," I tried to whisper but I was too excited._

_Leah nodded her head enthusiastically, "Go get him girl," she encouraged me as she planted a kiss on my cheek._

_I ran into the house but tried to calm my movements before I made it to the living room where he was waiting. I stopped just around the corner and took a few deep breaths. I had to get a hold of myself. When I was sufficiently calm, I stepped into the room._

_I only got one step into the room before I was knocked breathless. He looked amazing. He definitely looked great in a suit but seeing him standing here in his casual clothes was something I was thankful to see. He was standing in front of me wearing a pair of black jeans, a black muscle shirt with a white and black flannel shirt with the buttons left opened._

_The clothes left nothing to the imagination. The shirt he was wearing showed off the muscular chest that was hidden under the suit each time I saw him. The jeans were tight enough and they revealed the perfect ass that wasn't visible through his dress slacks at the restaurant._

_All I could do was stare. There were no words in my vocabulary that fit how good he looked. As if I could handle him looking any better, he flashed me the smile that sent shivers through my entire body. I wanted to make this gorgeous man mine and hopefully, after tonight, he would be._

"_Hi." I smiled as I finally found my voice. "I'm glad you came."_

"_I wouldn't have missed it," he replied._

_I didn't know what else to do. This man was a stranger to me. I didn't think I should just walk up and wrap my arms around him even though that's what I really wanted to do. I didn't know if I should grab his hand and lead him outside. I decided to just motion for him to follow me out back._

"_Well, follow me. Everyone is in the backyard. We were just sitting down to eat." I turned my back and hoped he would follow me._

_I felt his hand circle my wrist as I started to move. "Wait." He turned me to face him and his expression was serious. "I've been thinking, and I've decided that I need to know one thing before I follow you anywhere."_

_**Oh God, please don't tell me I've offended him already.**_

_With a nervous tone to my voice I asked, "W-what would you like to know?" I hoped I could answer him because I didn't want him to leave._

_He used his hold on my wrist to pull me against his chest as his other hand reached up to lay gently on my cheek. "Well," his index finger traced a line from my temple to my jaw before he continued, "I would really like to know your name."_

_I saw the spark in his eye as his smile lit up his face again. The aching in my lungs clued me in to the fact that I wasn't breathing. The relief I felt with my exhaled breath allowed me to smile back at him. I didn't realize that I never told him who I was._

"_My name is Bella."_

"_That definitely fits. You __**are**__ beautiful." He locked my eyes with his as he spoke his next sentence with conviction. "Bella, I will follow you to the ends of the earth."_

_The tone of his voice and the power of his statement turned my insides to mush. I was already hoping that I could be with this man but I was unsure. Now, in one sentence he took away all doubt that he wanted to be mine._

_A little cough interrupted the intense stare we were locked in. "Umm Bella." It was Emily. "Would you mind sharing your __**friend **__with the rest of us or are you going to keep him to yourself all night?"_

_I heard her giggle but, when I looked behind me, she was already gone. I took a step away before turning back to face him. I slid my arm back a little to move my wrist out of his hand and slip my hand in his grasp instead. The smile spread across his face at my not so subtle move._

"_Come on. Let's go eat," I said as I gave him a small tug._

_He didn't say a word. He simply followed me out the back door. I wanted to introduce him to my best friends personally. Emily and Leah's excitement had them rushing toward us when we were barely two steps past the doorway. I rolled my eyes at them and tried to motion discreetly for them to calm down._

"_James, these two slightly energetic women are my two very best friends…Emily and Leah." I motioned to each one as I said her name._

_He extended his hand to them. "It's a pleasure ladies."_

_When they didn't take his hand right away he looked slightly insulted. Both girls giggled like they were ten years old again before Emily spoke up._

"_James, we don't shake hands here." She took a couple of steps forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. "You came here for our Bella and that makes you worthy of a hug." _

_She made sure to position herself so she was facing me. She looked at me and lifted her hand to fan her face while mouthing the words "he's so hot". She stepped away from him and Leah took her turn to throw her arms around him._

_He chuckled as Leah stepped back. "It's nice to meet you," he said, a little less formal than before._

_Just then, Sam walked up to our little group. He leaned over and gave me a small kiss on the cheek. I felt a tiny bit of pressure on my fingers as James squeezed my hand before Sam pulled away and went to stand beside Emily with his arm around her shoulder._

_Sam reached his hand to James. "Hey man, I'm Sam Uley. Sorry if my girl here embarrassed you at all. You know how the females get sometimes," he said with a laugh as he took a shot from Emily to his ribs._

"_James…James Denton." He introduced himself with a laugh of his own. "It's cool. Girls will be girls."_

"_You hungry, James?" Sam asked. "We've got it all…burgers, steaks, chicken and hot dogs. Come on, have a seat."_

_James took the lead and walked with Sam pulling me along with him. When we got to the table he held my chair out for me so I could sit. I had never dated anyone who was such a gentleman before. It was definitely a nice change. I couldn't help but laugh when I heard the "awe" come from my girls who were walking behind us._

_The conversations around the table came easy. James seemed to fit in well with my friends. He joked around with Sam and was really interested in the fact that he walked away from what would have been a promising pro football career. That led Sam to tell James what he really wanted to do and that intrigued him even more._

_I sat with a smile on my face as I watched him. This man came here for me without really knowing who I was. He had won over my friends who were always so critical of the men I dated. He even had my girls winking their approval at me every time he said something that made everyone at the table laugh. He was amazing and I was eager to see how the rest of the night went. _

_About an hour after we all sat down to eat, I saw a figure walk through the patio door. I jumped out of my chair and ran to him. He grabbed me around the waist and swung me around probably just as happy to see me as I was to see him._

"_Jake! I was getting worried that you wouldn't make it in time." I was relieved. "I was afraid you were going to leave me to watch the fireworks alone."_

_Jacob was like me and the fireworks were our favorite part of the day. Leah understood this and always let me steal him away from her because we both turned into big kids when the show started._

"_Don't even try it Bells." He kissed the tip of my nose. "From what I hear, you have someone else to watch them with this year. It's about time too. You've been single too long, sis," he grinned and winked at me._

_I loved it when he called me sis. It always cemented our relationship. "He is cute, isn't he, little brother?" The smile wouldn't leave my face._

"_Well he's not really my…" Jacob was cut off and I fell to the ground._

_I didn't even see him coming. James had knocked me out of Jacob's arms and was going after him like he wanted to kill him. I was still on the ground watching the whole scene play out._

"_What the fuck, dude?" Jacob yelled at him._

"_Who the hell do you think you are? You think you can just put your hands all over her?" James was in his face, yelling right back at him._

_Two guys grabbed James while three others grabbed Jacob trying to pull them apart. Emily and Leah were helping me up when I saw Sam jump into the middle of the two with his hands up in an attempt to keep them away from each other._

"_Both of you, calm down. Jake, get a grip. You know who this is." He turned his head to James. "James, I'm sorry. I know you got the wrong idea here. Jake is a very good friend of Bella's."_

_I couldn't stand still anymore. I had to explain things. I ran over and stood in front of James. Emily and Leah went to their men and three of us tried to calm the situation down._

"_James, I'm sorry. I didn't think. Can we please go talk?" My eyes begged him to come with me. _

_He took his eyes off Jacob and focused on me. I grabbed his hand and told the guys to let him go. They gave me a 'you're crazy' look but I nodded to let them know it was okay. I led James into the house and to the isolation of my bedroom. He walked through the door first and I closed the door behind me._

_I sighed. This wasn't the way I wanted him to see my bedroom for the first time but I didn't have another choice. I wanted privacy and this was the only place I would get it. I turned to see that he was only a couple of steps away from me. I took one step closer and reached out for his hand._

"_James, I'm so sorry. That guy… Jake…" He started to talk over me._

"_He shouldn't have his hands all over you like that!" he yelled at __**me**__ now._

"_You don't know even know who he is? How can you say something like that?" I yelled back._

"_I came here for __**you**__ and the first thing you do is run to another man! What kind of fucked up shit is that?" The anger in his voice shocked me. "I'm not dealing with this bullshit. I'm outta here." He moved passed me and grabbed the doorknob._

"_Wait. Just give me a chance to explain." I didn't want him to leave over nothing. He stopped but didn't turn to look back at me._

"_Explain," he said in a flat voice._

"_Jake is one of my best friends. He and Leah have been dating for the past three years." He turned a little in my direction after I said that. "When she introduced him to us, he and I became really good friends. He's like a brother to me."_

_He turned to face me now and I could still see a hint of anger in his eyes. "I said I'm sorry. Jake has been out of town for a few days and I missed him. It's a normal thing for me to hug him, and Sam too for that matter, but it doesn't mean anything."_

_He reached out for my hand this time and I let him take it. His eyes settled on our hands and didn't move. I wanted him to look at me but I wasn't going to push anything._

"_I'm not that way with anyone other than those two and they are so in love with Emily and Leah that, even if I wanted them, there is no way they would do anything to jeopardize their relationships. They're my friends and we've all been through a lot together. Can you be okay with that?"_

"_That's __**all**__ he is?" He finally spoke._

"_Yes. We were actually talking about you when you…" I let the sentence die right where it was. I didn't want to bring up his near fight with Jacob._

"_What were you saying about me?" He smirked at me._

"_You really want to know." I was embarrassed to admit what I said._

"_Please, tell me." He looked me in the eyes now and the beautiful blue was no longer clouded with anger._

"_Well, I was telling him how cute you were." The blush hit me hard making my entire face feel like it was on fire._

"_Oh really, how cute am I?" he asked in a teasing tone._

"_Like I'm gonna tell you something like that." The blush got deeper._

"_That's okay. I can wait for you to tell me," he laughed and it was good sound. "Well, I guess I have some apologizing to do." He eyed me speculatively. "That is…if you want me to stay."_

"_Of course. Besides, you can't leave before the fireworks. They're my favorite part."_

_With that conversation over and all the explanations out of the way, we walked back outside to find my friends. Sam's head shot up as we approached Jacob and he headed in our direction. I wanted to give them a proper introduction before they said a word to each other._

"_James, this is Jacob Black; my best friend and brother. Jake, this is James Denton…my date." I hoped I wasn't overstepping my bounds when I introduced him that way but James didn't say anything about it._

_James took a step towards Jacob and extended his hand. "I apologize for my inexcusable behavior earlier. I just didn't know who you were and I was caught off guard when you grabbed my girl in your arms like that."_

_**What? Did I hear him right? Did he just call me his girl? Maybe I'll get what I want after all.**_

"_It's no big deal. I can understand being the protective type. My sister deserves the best. Just treat her right and we have no problem." I heard Jacob's tone and picked up on the slight warning._

_For the next half hour, Jacob and Sam took the time to get to know James. He was, again, falling into a comfortable conversation with the two of them and I knew that everything was going to be okay with them._

_The fireworks started at the same time every year and we knew it was getting close. I looked at Jacob and he shook his head at me as he grabbed Leah and wrapped her in his arms. Our house faced the park where the show was going to be, so I took my spot by the fence so I could lean against it and watch._

_James stood next to me with an arm around my waist as the sky was lit up with the first spark of the night. The smile spread across my face and I looked at him to see if he was watching. He was, of course, and the white burst of light caught his eye making the blue shine._

_The show continued with the colors of the rainbow shooting across the sky. I was so into the fireworks that I didn't notice him staring at me. When a particularly beautiful red brightened the sky I turned to look at him. He had a serious look on his face. I was caught in his gaze and didn't look away. His features were illuminated by the next white flash that lit up the night and, before the light could fade from his face, he leaned down and claimed my lips._

_The kiss made me weak at the knees and I probably would have fallen if it weren't for his strong arms that were now around my body. The kiss lasted a few minutes before he pulled away. His blue eyes burned into me as the intensity of his stare grew._

"_You're beautiful. You are easily the most gorgeous woman in the world tonight. Thank you." He gave me a short peck on the lips._

"_What are you thanking me for?" His kisses were making it hard to think._

"_For letting me come here and share your world with you. I hope to have many more days with you like this." Those eyes would have me agreeing to anything he wanted._

"_I hope you do too," I replied._

_He leaned down again as the fireworks continued to play in the background of our kiss._

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

"You know, Jake never really trusted him after that first night," I said as I mentally went through the many conversations I had with Jacob. "I blew off every warning he gave me."

"He saw what you didn't," a soft voice said back to me.

"Sure I realize that now." I had accepted that idea a long time ago. "I'm here because I was stupid. I was a stupid fucking girl with stars in her eyes."

"You can't think that way." He got up and moved to my side of the table where he crouched down next to me. "Men and women fall for each other every day and most of them don't have to deal with men like him."

"Yeah, I got to be the lucky one." I stood up to look out the window again. "I should have listened when Jake warned me. He told me to stay away from him. He told me more times than I can count. I always thought he was just being the overprotective brother. Love can play a lot of tricks on your mind. It can make you blind enough that you accept pure evil into your life with open arms."

Luckily I wasn't the emotional wreck I was three days ago when I felt his hands on my shoulders this time. I wouldn't be throwing any punches today.

"Yes, he was protective and you probably should have listened but, when you're in the moment, the emotions outweigh everything else. We fall victim to our emotions every day and it's not something you can beat yourself up over."

"You know what they say…" I shrugged. "If I knew then what I know now." I dropped my head as my thoughts were filled with my four best friends. "We would all still be together. I miss them so much."

I didn't realize until Whitlock was picking me up off the floor that I had broken down again. I had kept my feelings under tight control for so long and, now that they were coming out, it was like my body and my mind couldn't take the pressure.

As I was being led out the door, he called out to me. "Take care of yourself in here, Bella. I'll be back in a couple of days. I _**will **_make sure you have the chance to be with them again."

I shook my head. "Didn't anyone tell you counselor…murderers don't get second chances."

* * *

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	4. One Wall Down

**Disclaimer:** **The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.**

Many, many thank you's go out to my pre-reader Loulabelle. Thanks for keeping me on track, babe. Love you.

Another huge thank you to my awesome beta, AgoodWITCH, you're the best lady. Thanks for being there for me.

As always, a big thank you goes out to all my WC girls for all the encouragement and votes of confidence on this story. Much love to all of you.

**Also, don't forget about the Share Your Inspiration anonymous one-shot contest. Hosted by AgoodWITCH and Rosalynn. I am one of the judges for this contest and I'm so ready to read all of your awesome entries. Check out the contest page at ****www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2580394 or follow on twitter (at)****SYIanonOSC **

Sorry this is a little late. I was sick and completely out of commission for a while. I'll be back on track next week.

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**Chapter 4 – One Wall Down**

**December 20, 2009**

"_No, you just don't understand. It was a misunderstanding," I pleaded with them to listen._

"_Bella, you know we love you. We all want to see you happy but it's not with him, babe." The concern in Sam's voice couldn't be mistaken as he sat there and held my hand. All my friends were trying to comfort me…except Jacob._

_Jacob was pacing the floor. He was too agitated to sit down. "Damn son of a bitch… get my hands on… kill that motherfucker…" He growled to himself through clenched teeth while pounding his fist into his hand._

"_Jake please, let this go," I begged. "It was an accident."_

_That got him to stop pacing and he focused his attention on me. "An accident! A FUCKING ACCIDENT, BELLA!" His yelling scared the hell out of me. I had never heard him so angry. "You come over here looking like __**that **__and you want me to think…" He couldn't even form the right words; he was so pissed. "No fuck this and fuck him! __**I'm**__ taking care of this shit." He threw opened the door and stormed out._

_"Jake, no…"_

The siren going off woke me up. It was a blessing, I guess. It stopped me from reliving that day. I knew I was going to have to tell him at some point and I didn't know how long I was going to be able to put it off.

I heard the commotion on the block as my cell door slid open to let me out. I always waited in my cell until the guards came to get me so I could be the last person in the line. Being a loner in prison was never a good thing. You either had friends to watch your back or you had to keep your eyes open for the attack that was sure to come. I had seen it happen numerous times over the last few months.

"Breakfast, Swan. Get your ass moving," Guard Crowley's stern voice called to me.

I got up slowly as I spotted her red hair passing my door. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't intimidate me and she knew it. I just stayed out of her way and let her venom filled words roll over me every time she spoke. I drug my feet to the door and Crowley grabbed me by my forearm and yanked me into the walkway.

The food in this place tasted like shit. I knew it wasn't going to be five-star dining but damn, even two stars would have been nice. I had my tray in hand and walked to my normal spot in the corner of the room. I always kept the wall at my back as an extra precaution. I wouldn't let anyone sneak up on me.

I was just about done when her red hair caught my eye again. She was whispering to the woman next to her and pointing at me. They both scanned the room looking for the guards. Once they decided they were safe, they made their way over to me. I stopped eating, put my fork down and leaned back in my chair while I waited for them to start their shit.

"Come on Swan. You gonna cry for us again today? That was some funny shit last night." They just laughed.

I sat there without saying a word.

"No Jake, stop. Please don't go," she said in a high-pitched, mocking tone.

I was done with her ass so I started to get up. She had no idea what I was going through and I was damn sure not going to explain it to her ass.

"Sit back down, bitch," her blonde girlfriend put her hand on my shoulder and pushed me back in my chair.

I didn't want to have anything to do with them. I just looked up as I leaned back in my chair again listening as they went on and on about some of the things that I let escape during my sleep talking. The first word about Emily that left their lips pushed me over the edge.

"Shut the fuck up, Victoria. You have no idea who you're dealing with. Take your blonde bitch and get the fuck outta my face," I raised my voice a little so they knew I was serious but not loud enough to get anyone's attention.

"What's your skinny ass gonna do, Swan," Victoria laughed and her little girlfriend joined in.

"Push me and find out," I warned. "But if you do, just know one thing, bitch, that_ I_ won't be the one they'll carry out on a stretcher."

"You think you're tough shit don't you, Swan?" She was in my face now. "Prove it, bitch."

The very second she backed away from me, my tray was slammed into the back of my head. The force of the impact sent me flying into the table. I pushed off to try to get up but Victoria had me on the ground in a second, punching me in the face and ribs.

She thought she had me pinned but I learned how to get myself out of this type of position. I lifted my body toward her so the angle to hit me was taken away. I wrapped my left arm around the back of her neck and rolled backwards to flip her off of me. I scooted back as fast as I could to capitalize on my advantage.

I slammed my elbow into her neck so she couldn't breathe. I saw her girlfriend coming at me so I swung my leg to sweep her feet out from under her. She dropped to the floor and I kicked her in the face with a force that broke her nose. I didn't have to worry about her anymore.

I focused back on Victoria. She was starting to fight back. I hovered over her with my knee in her neck attempting to crush her windpipe while I gave her shot after shot in the ribs. This bitch wouldn't be able to breathe when I was done.

A guard ripped me off of her and slammed me against the wall. I wanted her ass, so I fought back against the guards again. When the electric shock from the taser hit me, my head snapped back against the wall and I fell to the ground.

Once I was neutralized, the guards helped the other two up and we were all carried to the infirmary. I could feel the blood making its way down my neck from the cut on the back of my head. I had a split lip, a bruised cheek and a black eye. I definitely wasn't going to look pretty for a while.

The nurse kept the three of us there for a few hours. I was fine so I used the time to try to get some sleep. However, Victoria's screaming wasn't going to let that happen. She had an extremely bruised neck and two broken ribs.

"You were warned, bitch. So shut the fuck up already," I yelled in the direction of her bed. I rolled over and waited for the guards to decide what our punishment would be.

I was escorted back to my cell and the other two were taken to solitary. They screamed about the fairness of it but Whitlock watched the whole thing go down so he knew they came after me. All I did was defend myself.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

By mid-afternoon my body was sore, the right side of my face was swollen and my eye was almost swollen shut. I wasn't looking good but I felt good. I got rid of some of the built up anger I had been feeling.

"Swan, you're lawyer is here. Let's go," Whitlock ordered.

The cuffs were back on and he led me down the hall to the meeting room. I tried to thank him for not putting me in solitary again but, just like the last time, he said nothing to me. Whitlock opened the door to the room and I saw him standing by the window. He didn't turn to look at me until he heard the door close.

I put my head down because I didn't want him to see how bad it was. It didn't work and he rushed to my side. "Oh my God, what the hell happened to you?" he asked as he lightly touched my cheek.

I shrugged, "You know how it works in here. Can you please stop asking stupid questions?" He was too smart to be so fucking clueless.

"I want to know what the hell happened to you," he demanded that I give him an answer.

"The girl was talking shit so I took care of it. It's nothing you need to worry about. It's over."

"How can you be so calm about this?" he asked as his hand swept my cheek.

"Because she looks worse," I laughed when I thought of her sitting in solitary unable to breathe. "There is one interesting thing that came out of this."

"What could that possibly be?" My attitude confused him again.

"Now I have a black eye to match yours, counselor."

"Very funny, Bella." His tone was serious. He wasn't in the mood for jokes. "Now tell me _exactly_ what happened."

I rolled my eyes and started going over the events of the morning. I don't know why but I kind of expected him to be proud of me for standing up for myself. For some reason, I wanted his approval. I was confused when he dropped his head and groaned as a whispered "damn it" escaped him. I just stared at him not understanding his reaction.

"You do realize that you may have just hurt your case."

For once, I had no clue what he was talking about. When I didn't answer him, he grabbed my hand in one of his and turned my face to his with the other. He looked me right in the eye. "You just showed six guards that you're very capable of defending yourself, Bella."

I was still confused. "So, would you rather I let them beat me. Look at me now. Can you imagine what I would look like if I didn't fight back?"

"God no, Bella. I don't want anything to happen to you." He went to grab his chair and brought it to my side of the table so he could sit next to me. "Bella, my job is to get the jury to believe that you reacted to the situation and _somehow_ got the upper hand on James. Any prosecutor worth anything is going to use this fight as a way to show that you were well trained and knew exactly what you were doing that night."

The truth of his words hit me and I understood his frustration. I blew out a breath before I answered him. "I have no expectations of ever getting out of this place."

"Then what the hell am I doing here?" I didn't expect the anger rolling off of him. His face was red again and the vein was back.

Of course, his anger flared up my own. I knocked the chair down in my rush to get away from him. I didn't want the temptation to hit him again. "I've been asking you that for months now. Look I told you, I don't need to be saved. So if that's what you're doing here, then you might as well leave."

I turned away from him without a word and rested against the wall by the window again. I don't know what it was about the view of the open land surrounding this place but it always calmed my nerves.

I could hear him taking deep breaths trying to calm down. His voice now held hurt or even desperation in it. "Am I fighting this case alone, Bella? You're not even going to try!"

The weight of that question hung in the air. Neither one of us spoke for a long time. I finally decided to let him in, just a little, so he could understand. He had to know. I had to tell him why I wasn't worth saving.

Without taking my eyes away from the window, I started to explain. "I should have died that night. I wanted to." Tears escaped my eyes and I felt ashamed for what I was telling him. I wrapped my arms around my chest as I admitted my weakness and opened myself up to him. "I wasn't really living anyway. No one knew my name. I lost everyone I cared about. I was alone just like he wanted me to be. I was tired of running… tired of fighting. I just wanted it all to be over."

My vision shifted back to that night. "I saw the blood on the floor and I knew James was dead. I was so close to following after him. I could feel it and I was ready. It was my punishment for all the pain I caused by bringing him into our lives. What he did to Emily… to Jake… to…" The name was on the tip of my tongue but I couldn't bring myself to say it.

My shoulders slumped and my heart felt like five daggers were piercing it all at once; each one belonging to the people I loved who had been hurt by my stupidity and unwillingness to see the truth. Tears continued to pour from my eyes and I could barely breathe but I needed to get this off my chest. "I wanted to die. That's why I fought so hard this time. I knew the more I fought, the harder he would hit me and maybe, just maybe, one of those hits would take me out for good."

My mind flashed forward just a little. "I remember when the cop told me I was going to be okay, that help was coming. I told him no. I didn't want his help. If he would have just left me alone, I would have been happy. I would have finally been free." On that last word my voice cracked with the sob that I couldn't hold back any longer.

I fell to my knees under the pressure in my heart and my head and unconsciously rocked myself back and forth. I didn't hear him walk behind me. The next thing I knew he was sitting on ground, probably ruining his suit, pulling me into his lap and wrapping his arms around me. I cried harder as my fists clutched at his jacket with my face buried in his shoulder.

"W-Why?" I asked the one question I had been asking myself since that night. "Why didn't they just let m-me die?"

"Bella, please don't talk that way. You don't deserve to die." His voice was barely a whisper in the room as he tried to sooth me.

"But I want it. It's the only way." I couldn't speak another word as the pain of my confession became too much to bear.

He didn't speak. He just held me while rubbing circles on my back. My crying stopped and I knew I had to get up. I started to move and he tightened his arms around me. It felt good for someone to hold me like this again but it was wrong. It shouldn't be happening.

I pushed myself away from him as I got up. "I've got to get outta here. I'm sorry."

He stood up and moved to me again. "What are you sorry for?"

There were so many things I was sorry for but I wasn't in the mood to talk about them. I was mostly sorry because he got to see a part of me that I had hidden from the world for years. I had built up so many walls around me and around my heart that no one ever got to see the real me. What he saw every time he was here was the carefully created mask that those walls allowed me to show.

I let one of those walls fall today as I admitted to him how weak I really was. There was no way I was ready to bring them all down so I composed myself and brought the tough girl back to the surface. She was my only protection and I needed her now more than ever.

"I ruined your jacket." I wanted his focus off of me.

"It's just a jacket, Bella," he laughed as I hit the door to get the guard's attention.

Whitlock walked into the room and I held out my hands without a word. He clicked the cuffs into place and started to lead me out the door.

"I'll be back to see you tomorrow, Bella. Watch yourself, please."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**December 21, 2009**

I knew he was coming today but I wasn't sure I wanted to see him after my complete breakdown yesterday. I should have been stronger but I couldn't help myself. He was under the impression that he was going to save me from living the rest of my days in this God forsaken place. He had to know that it wasn't going to work. The cops had everything they needed to keep me here for the rest of my life.

Whitlock came to take me to the room where he was waiting for me. I didn't want to do this today. Reliving this shit was hard enough but doing it when I knew it wasn't going to do a damn bit of good was truly ridiculous. It uncovered the things that should stay hidden forever.

The door opened and there he was staring at me expectantly. I stood just inside the doorway and groaned. Whitlock nudged me in the back to keep me moving. Keeping to the routine, I sat in the chair while my cuffs were taken off. I rubbed my wrists because they always pinched a little too tight.

The door closed and we were alone again. I wasn't sure what I would tell him today. I was trying to keep my mind from delving into the past too much when I wasn't in this room. It was our conversations this past week that got me to tell him what little I had so far.

He already knew the basics because he had access to all the police reports that were filed throughout the years. He was asking me to talk about everything that wasn't in those reports; all the emotional stuff and the exact details that he couldn't get from anyone but me.

I waited for him to speak but he didn't say a word as he walked toward me and rested against the table in front of me. He grabbed my hands and his thumbs swept over the top of my fingers.

"You look better today." He smiled as his eyes caught mine.

It was there in his eyes again, the kindness that I saw the day that we started these trips down memory lane. But this time, there was more. There was a spark in his eye and an emotion that I recognized.

_Oh fuck no! I'm not going through this shit again._

"I'm fine." I pulled my hands away and put the length of the room between us. I was alone and that was the way it had to stay.

"Bella?" The hurt and rejection in his voice was easy to hear. He cleared his throat and I looked just in time to see his dejected expression change to one that was purely business. "Please sit so we can get started."

Maybe I was seeing things because there was nothing in his eyes now. I was confused. I know I didn't just make that shit up. I know what I saw. He started to pull his things out of his briefcase as he sat in his chair. I didn't move any closer to him.

"Please Bella, have a seat. I know there is still a lot we need to go over." He motioned to the chair.

I walked slower than normal still trying to maintain my distance. I pulled the chair out and sat across from him. I watched every move he made, still wondering if I was going crazy. He looked me right in the eye and all I could see was determination.

"What would you like to discuss with me today?" he asked in a tone that was more formal than he normally used.

Something was wrong here. I needed to keep my guard up.

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**Thanks again for reading. Follow me on twitter for weekly teasers: mizzdee_FF**


	5. Better Days Gone By

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

Many, many thank you's go out to my pre-reader Loulabelle. You have absolutely no idea how much your support and comments and insight mean to me. Love you babe.

Of course, a huge thanks to my awesome beta, AgoodWITCH, you are a great friend and I'm so thankful to have you. Thanks for being there for me. Oh and for baking the best cookies EVER!

**As always, a big thank you goes out to all my WC girls for all the encouragement and votes of confidence on this story. Much love to all of you. Also, don't forget about the Share Your Inspiration anonymous one-shot contest. Hosted by AgoodWITCH and Rosalynn. I am one of the judges for this contest and I'm so ready to read all of your awesome entries. Check out the contest page at www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2580394 or follow on twitter (at)SYIanonOSC **

**I would also like to say from my home to yours, I wish you all safe and happy holidays.**

**

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**Chapter 5 – Better Times Gone By **

**December 21, 2009**

"What's with you today?" His behavior was definitely not normal.

"I don't know what you mean."

Even his voice sounded different. Over the last few months, this man had two types of behavior…compassionate or irritated. Distant was not a behavior I was used to. Something was going on with him and I needed to know what it was.

"Bullshit, counselor. The minute I'm in my chair you're holding my hands and now you won't even look me in the eye. This is about yesterday isn't it?" I asked louder than I should have, earning a couple of bangs on the door from the guard.

"Why would you even think that?" The same distance was in his voice.

"Do you think I'm stupid, or what? I tell you that I'm not worth your trouble and all of a sudden you're acting like you agree with me. What kind of shit is that? You have been going on and on for months wanting me to tell you about my past and when I finally tell you what I really wanted that day, you can't handle it." He had to be second-guessing his decision to work on my case after that mess. There was so much anger filling my body at his willingness to give up on me. "You're such a fucking hypocrite. Do you know that?"

I wanted out of this room. I was done with his ass. I got up to knock on the door when his angry voice filled the room.

"What the hell did you call me? You think I'm a hypocrite, Bella. Just because I'm not holding your hand and babying you while you give me the details I asked you for."

"Oh hell no. You think I want you to baby me. Well you can take your ass right out of this room and not come back if that's what you think. I _never_ needed you here."

"Bella, you need someone to fight for you since you're clearly not going to fight for yourself." He crossed the room and grabbed my arm bringing me within inches of his face, his eyes penetrating mine. "I am here for you and I'm_ not_ going anywhere. I will fight for you with every breath I have." He laid his hand on my cheek. "I need you, Bella. I need you to fight with me."

I was speechless. We just stood there staring at each other for god knows how long. Every time I tried to shift my eyes away from his gaze, he moved his head to keep our contact. He wasn't going to let me get away from him this time. He was, without words, asking me to trust him. But in my world, trust was a huge thing. His eyes softened and I saw the compassion and kindness there again.

_Think about this, Bella. What is it going to cost you to trust this man?_

Other than Sam and Jake, I had trusted two men in my life. The first one tore my life apart. The second, without knowing it, ripped my heart completely out of my chest. Could I put everything left in me on the line and reach out to another man who was begging for my trust?

"I'm going to ask you one last time…can I trust you?" I leapt off that proverbial cliff and felt the ripple of pain move through my body as I waited for his answer.

"And I'll give you the same answer as before. You can trust me with your life, Bella. I promise you right here…right now that I will do whatever it takes to save you."

I felt the tears welling up but I was in control and able to fight them back. I didn't want him to see me cry again so I stepped around him and went back to the table and sat down.

"Then let's get started counselor. There's so much you need to know."

I watched as he walked back to his chair with a small grin on his face.

"I have to ask you one thing, Bella." I waited. "Can I ask you to please start using my name?"

I smirked. "You haven't earned that yet, _counselor_." I made sure to emphasize the last word.

His whole demeanor changed as he laughed at me. He was now the same man that had been in this room with me for months and, true to form, he got right down to business.

"Okay Bella, you've told me about the small glimpse you got of his temper. Were there other times after the party that he ever acted like that?"

"No he really didn't. He was so sweet to me for a long time. Don't get me wrong, of course there were times when he would get angry at some guy who was staring at me or even talking to me for a long period of time but that's normal for guys to do. I never thought anything of it."

"I understand how you might see it that way but Bella, if a man is comfortable and sure about the woman he's dating, he doesn't act like that."

"Why do you always feel the need to point out what I already know? I may have been naïve back then, counselor, but things have definitely changed. I'm not the stupid girl I used be. Not that it matters, because there will never be another man in my life, but I know what signs to look for now."

I watched that odd, dejected look cross his face again for a fraction of a second before it disappeared. He tried really hard but his behavior was not quite back to normal. He cleared his throat.

"I need to be able to show the changes in him. Can you tell me about more of the good times?"

"Oh that's easy. It's funny because, as much as I hate to say it, one of the best nights of my entire life happened with James. Funny how some things never last."

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**_September 13, 2005_**

_James was taking me to one of the best restaurants in town. I was more nervous than I had ever been in my life. His restaurant was the nicest I had ever been to and I didn't believe I fit in at the fancier places. My girls were helping me get ready so I could at least look like I belonged there. I was wearing the dress he picked out for me. He said every girl should own a little black dress but I never had a reason to buy one. I never had a reason to wear one…until now of course. _

_He said he wanted tonight to be special. My birthday should be celebrated and he was going to do it right._

"_Okay, hair up or down," I asked Emily._

"_Definitely down," Leah answered instead. "He loves to play with your hair. You might as well give him something to play with."_

"_Absolutely, we'll pull it up from the sides but leave the back hanging down in big curls. He'll love it." Emily had her hands in my hair while she spoke so she could get the visual._

_Emily got to work on my hair while Leah did my makeup and, when they were done, I looked like could have walked a runway._

_Their timing was perfect because I only had to wait fifteen minutes before he showed up. I heard the knock at the door and I actually squealed with excitement. I never did things like that but this man brought out feelings and reactions in me that I never had before._

_Emily made Leah keep me in the bedroom so I could make an entrance. It was kind of silly if you asked me because we had been together for two months now. The time for grand entrances should have been over._

_I heard Emily talking to James, keeping him busy until Leah let me out of my little prison. I was pacing the floor trying to keep myself calm until I got to see him. After three minutes I started inching closer to the door. I didn't care what they said, one more minute and I was outta there._

_As if my thoughts were transparent, Leah asked the question I was waiting for. "Are you ready, B?"_

_I let out a huge sigh and almost screamed, "Yes, yes, yes. Open the door already."_

_Leah laughed at my excitement but turned and opened the door waving her hand for me to walk forward toward the piece of heaven that was waiting in the next room._

_He knew I loved it when he wore a suit but, tonight, he took it a step further. Tonight he looked incredible in his black tuxedo. Just the sight of him sent my hormones into a frenzy. I could have given up on the dinner all together for the opportunity to get him into bed with me. If he hadn't worked so hard and if it wasn't such a big deal to him to celebrate my birthday, my bed was exactly where we would be heading now._

"_Bella, you are a vision. I don't know how you do it but you get more beautiful every time I see you." He bowed to me and kissed the back of my hand, my own personal Prince Charming. He knew I couldn't resist him when he did that._

_Standing back up, he looked at Emily and Leah, who were standing on the other side of the room just watching him. "Ladies, I promise I will take care of her tonight. She will be treated like the queen she deserves to be. You have my word." His sincerity dripped from every word he spoke._

_Their excitement was tangible and I could practically feel their vibrations from my spot by the door. He turned back to me and leaned in for a soft kiss on the cheek. "Let's go beautiful. I can't wait to show you off." He gave me his gorgeous smile and offered me his arm. I took it and felt honored to be the woman he chose to spend his time with._

_If I wasn't impressed by the treatment he showed me in the house then I was absolutely floored when I walked out and saw a black, stretch limousine waiting to take us to the restaurant._

"_Oh wow. You really got a limousine just to take me to dinner?" I was shocked and nearly speechless._

"_Bella, you deserve the best this world has to offer. I want to give you everything your heart desires and then give you everything you never knew you wanted." The love in his voice couldn't be mistaken._

Just as the driver opened the door for us, he lifted my chin to gaze into my eyes. He held my stare for just a few seconds, but the intensity said volumes. "Happy birthday, darling."

**xoxoxoxo**

_The night couldn't have gone better. He told my girls that he would treat me like a queen and he lived up to that statement and more. Dinner was amazing. The atmosphere of the restaurant was the epitome of romance; soft, dull lights hanging over the tables, light classical music playing in the background and white and lavender roses on every table. It was a setting you only see in movies and I was allowed into that world for a couple of hours._

_James suggested that I try the rosemary chicken and it was to die for. The chicken was juicy and perfectly seasoned. I'd never had anything better. As always, he ordered the steak. If there was anything I learned about him in the last couple of months, I learned that this man loved a good steak. He claimed they were better here than anywhere else in town._

_During the course of the night, James escorted me onto the dance floor when any of his favorite songs were played. He had a great love for classical music and listened to it everywhere, in the house, the car and it even played on his iPod when he went running. He loved the way it soothed his mind and helped him clear his head when he had a bad day._

_He was a skilled dancer, like he had taken lessons all his life. He twirled me around the dance floor when there was a faster tempo to the music. He held me close when the romantic songs filled the air whispering in my ear the whole time telling me how beautiful I looked and how he looked forward to holding me like that forever. The best part of it all was the dip that he led me into at the end of every song. I didn't think guys did that in real life._

_The whole night was, for lack of a better word, magical…and it still wasn't over. The limousine left us at the restaurant where he had his car parked. After dinner, we got into his Mercedes and he drove us up to Lookout Mountain. The view overlooked the entire city and it was beautiful with lights dotting the skyline in almost every color as far as the eye could see. _

_He laid a blanket out on the hood of his car so we could sit without getting dirty. Mozart was playing on his radio and he pulled out a bottle of champagne and two crystal glasses. He filled them both halfway and handed me a glass. I went to take a drink and he stopped me so he could speak._

"_Bella, I honestly don't know what I did in this life to deserve someone like you. From the first day I saw your beautiful face, I've wanted nothing more than you. I hoped everyday that you would walk back into my life and I was made the happiest man in the world when you came to see me. I want to be with you, Bella, always. I couldn't deal with it if I lost you now."_

_A slight breeze picked up and blew a piece of my hair into my face and he reached up to tuck it behind my ear. He left his hand on the back of my head and drew me forward to lightly touch his lips to mine. The eyes that looked down on me after our kiss were filled with tenderness. _

_His whisper was so soft it could barely be heard over the breeze. "I love you, Bella."_

_My heart raced in my chest as he spoke those words for the first time. I pulled his face so I was looking into those beautiful blue eyes and I smiled. "I love you too, James, and I'm yours…forever."_

_~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~_

"No one ever thinks when they say things like that. You don't expect the other person would take the words so literal. You would think that after one person walks out then that's the end of it. No, with James, the second those words left my lips I was his property…for life." I exhaled. "I just didn't know it."

"How long did it take you to figure it out?"

"It still took me a long time after that. He reeled me in good." I shook my head to clear some of the thoughts running through it.

"He got you to trust him," he said, putting his pen down.

"Completely. He did things for me that no one had ever done before. When I said that my friends were always critical of the men I dated, I truly meant it. They hated all of them because, let's face it, I never picked from the top of the barrel."

"What types of guys did you date before him?" he questioned.

"Losers mostly. I always went for the good looks instead of the substance. They were shallow, not very smart and definitely not nice. They were lucky if they could hold down a job and some of them had even been in jail a time or two," I chuckled as I thought about my current residence. "Go figure, huh."

"You need to stop being so hard on yourself. You're an amazing woman, Bella. You deserve so much more." He reached out and took my hand. "Men like that are definitely not worthy of you."

I shrugged. "I know. That's what made James so different." I pulled my hand away and stood up to pace the floor. "He wasn't like any of them. He had depth to him. He could actually hold a decent conversion. He had a great job that allowed him to have the money, the cars and the finer things. He would do things for me and with me that none of the others would even consider."

"Like what?" He picked up his pen again to take more notes.

"Well, for starters, look what he did for my birthday. He did things like that a lot. Not everything was that extravagant but all of it was more than I was used to. But the perfect example would be the day he went with me to visit my parents. It didn't involve money or material things. It was the fact that he was there."

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**_October 01, 2005_**

_Today was going to be a hard one. I was glad I had James by my side. I told him about my parents and he offered his support to go see them today. I was used to having Sam and Emily with me but they bowed out so I could spend this day alone with James._

_We pulled up in front of the section of the cemetery where my parent's graves were. I didn't want to get out of the car. I knew it shouldn't still hit me as hard as it does since they had been gone for four years now. But I couldn't help but wish they were still here to guide me and give me advice._

_I started thinking back to my days in high school when they were always bugging me because I wouldn't get my homework done or I was spending too much time on the phone. My dad always criticized every boy I went out with and mom kept trying to set me up with the boys from church. I hated every minute of it then but I would give anything to have them back now._

_I wished I could introduce James to them and they could know that I finally found a nice guy. He had promised to take care of me and I put my life in his hands. I think even my dad would be impressed by him. He was well mannered and respectful to everyone he came into contact with. He was so nice and sweet and he treated me like a queen. I didn't deserve him. He could date anyone he wanted but for some strange reason he wanted me and I felt extremely lucky._

_A touch to my shoulder startled me and I jumped a bit. "Are you okay, Bella? Do you still want to get out?" He spoke in a hushed tone, showing me the sympathy I was sure he felt._

"_Yes, I was just thinking about them and how I think they would love you. I wish you could've met them." A small smile turned up the corner of my mouth._

_He lifted the back of my hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss on each knuckle. "Then take me to go meet them." He smiled at me and it gave me the strength to get out of the car._

_He walked around and grabbed my hand to lead me into the grass. I had my other hand wrapped around his arm and was guiding him in the right direction. We came to a stop in front of a double headstone with my parent's names prominently displayed. There were a few dried leaves gathered on the small, stone ledge where I would always place their flowers._

_I dusted it off and placed a single yellow rose under each of their names. My mom always decorated the house with yellow roses saying they just brought a room to life. I was surprised when James' hand appeared in my view. He had one lavender and one white rose for each of them and he placed them next to mine._

_I turned my shocked face to his and asked, "Where did those come from?" I never saw him with any flowers. _

"_I hid them so it would be a surprise." He grabbed my hand and gently squeezed it. "I wanted to do something nice for you and your parents. What better way than to leave them with two of the most beautiful flowers."_

_That was another thing I noticed about him. He loved to give me flowers and he always gave me white and lavender roses. They were his favorite. Every part of him was a contradiction. He looked like the tough and rugged type who would love to be outdoors but he always said he was happier just spending a quiet night at home with me. He never looked like the romantic type but he always showed up with roses and white wine. This man could give Romeo a run for his money._

_I kissed his cheek and whispered, "Thank you," before I knelt down by the grave. He joined me with no hesitation, still holding my hand._

"_Mom…daddy, this is James." I looked up at him and smiled when the love felt like it would cause my heart to burst. "The man I love."_

_His brilliant smile graced his face and he mouthed the words 'I love you' right back to me. I turned my head back to their headstone and reached out a hand to touch it._

"_Daddy, you always wanted me to find someone you would approve of. I finally found him, after all this time. I wish you could know him and see how much he loves me. You would be proud."_

_Silent tears were running down my cheeks but this time they were different. Normally when I came here, the tears showed my sadness. As odd as it sounded, this time these were happy tears because I was sitting next to a good man and telling my parents that I was really in love._

_~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~_

I stopped talking, getting lost in my thoughts and almost mourning the loss of the man he was. I had hated him for so long that I forgot about who he used to be. Just as I started to feel sorry for what happened, I reminded myself of everything he had done to me…to my friends and my hatred for him was back in the front of my mind. It took the voice of the other person in the room to break me from my thoughts.

"He really was nice wasn't he?" he asked.

"Yeah, he was. I loved the man I met in that restaurant. I always wondered where that man went." I felt the anger start to bubble to the surface. He was writing on his notepad when my hand hit the table. "What, you don't have any stupid comments to make now, counselor? Go ahead tell me I was blind. Tell me I should have known better. Tell me that no man on this earth treats a woman like that; the fancy dinners, the dancing, sipping wine looking over the city while he tells me he loves me."

I got out of my chair and he got up right behind me. He put a hand on my arm to turn me around to look at him and my back instantly fell against the wall. His anger showed in his eyes again.

"Why the hell are you yelling at me? I asked one simple question…"

I pushed hard against his chest making him shuffle backwards. "Because I don't need you to tell me how nice he was. Do you really think I need to hear you tell me how stupid I was?" I yelled.

"I never said anything like that," he defended himself while walking toward me again.

"Get the fuck away from me." I pushed him again. "You didn't need to say it. I can see it in your eyes. You pity the brainless girl who let herself get played. Well, I don't need your pity."

I moved as fast as I could to get away from him but I couldn't get very far in the small room. He was behind me with his arms wrapped around me so I couldn't get away while he talked. His mouth was so close to my ear that I could feel every heavy breath as he exhaled.

He whispered in my ear, "Bella, I don't pity you. You are the strongest woman I've ever met." His arms squeezed tighter. "Just remember,_ I'm_ here for you now and you're not getting rid of me that easy."

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**A quick story rec before we all head out for the holiday weekend: A Christmas Restoration by A Cullen Wannabe**

**A quick summary: Single mom, Bella, gets stranded in a storm after dropping off her kids with their father for Christmas. She is rescued by Park Ranger, Edward Cullen. Sparks and butterflies are flying as Edward begins to restore Bella's faith in herself and in men.**

**This is a wonderful story that you need to read if you haven't started already.**


	6. True Colors

Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.

Thanks again to Loulabelle for all of the input and AgoodWITCH for the awesome beta work that keeps this story sounding good. I love you ladies so much.

Can't forget all my WC girls for all the encouragement. Ladies, you are the best. Love ya tons.

**Also, don't forget the Share Your Inspiration anonymous one-shot contest is still on and waiting for you to show us what inspires you. Entries will be accepted through Jan 14th. Check out the contest page at www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2580394 and follow on twitter (at)SYIanonOSC**

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, then the second half of the memory within this chapter might be something you would wish to skip. If so, you may pick up the end of the flashback, to catch the return to the present and see the counselors reaction. Thank you for reading this story and I hope you appreciate this chapter.**

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**Chapter 6 – True Colors **

**December 22, 2009**

The sun was streaming in through the small window at the top of my cell wall bringing with it another day. I didn't sleep at all last night as his words played over and over in my head. "_I'm_ here for you now" I could hear the words and the way he said them and I knew I wasn't crazy. He could have emphasized any other word in that sentence and it would have taken on a different meaning but stressing that first word meant he was talking about himself personally. There was more emotion behind his words than he was letting on. Every word he spoke was laced with it and I could see it clearly in his eyes every time he looked at me now.

Well too fucking bad, because I really couldn't care less what it was because I wasn't going there again. He could feel whatever the hell he wanted to but it wasn't going to change anything. There was no way I was going to let this man come in, flash his smile at me and expect me to jump right into his arms. I didn't need him. I was better off alone in this life. I let myself get too close to men in the past and I had paid for it…in more ways than one.

Before I could think too much about it, Crowley came to take us down for breakfast again and, as I kept to my routine, I was the last one out of my cell. I may have earned a bit of respect for the beating I gave Victoria and her girlfriend but I wasn't taking any chances. I walked to my normal table in the corner of the room and kept my eye out for trouble as I ate.

My face was looking better. The swelling had gone down both in my face and eye and the bruises were starting to go away. I couldn't help but laugh as Victoria walked past me; the bruises on her throat were still purple. She stopped by my table just to glare at me, obviously still trying to intimidate me.

"Didn't you learn your lesson last time, bitch? I'm not dealing with your ass anymore. Keep moving."

In a quiet, raspy voice, "You think you got away with this, you fucking whore?"

"What?" I laughed and put my hand to my ear. "I can't hear you. You need to speak up a little."

"This isn't over." She spoke the words through gritted teeth.

I laughed and then gave her a devilish grin. "Yeah…it is."

On a normal day, we were led to the yard after breakfast but the storm outside forced them to keep us inside for the day. We had two places we could be, the common area, where most chose to hang out, or in our cells, which is where I always ended up. I preferred to be on my own and away from everyone in this place. I always kept to my cell so I could think.

In bed staring at the ceiling, I thought about what I could tell him when he showed up today. I was running out of the good times to share and my stalling was almost at an end. I was going to have to start moving into the harder memories, the one's I didn't want to think about. I may not have wanted to think about them but my mind had other ideas.

With my mind so preoccupied, I didn't hear her come in. In the second it took my breath to leave my body, I was yanked from my bed and pinned against the wall with Victoria's face an inch from mine.

"I told you this wasn't over you fucking whore." I swear her eyes should have been colored red for the amount of hate filling her at that moment.

I had been in this position before but this time there was no fear in me and I wasn't going to back down. There was nothing weak or soft in me anymore and this bitch was pushing me too far. I felt the punch to my stomach before I saw the top of the blonde girl's head. Victoria was holding me so Jane could get her shots.

"That's for breaking my nose, bitch."

"I just did your face a favor. You should be thanking me." I laughed through the pain as the second and third punches hit their mark. "You hit like a fucking girl. You're gonna have to do better than that if you want me to be afraid of you."

With that statement, Victoria's knee hit me in the gut and I doubled over in pain. Their arms felt like clubs as blow after blow hit my back, the back of my head and anywhere else their fists landed. I didn't even have a chance to defend myself as the two of them were pulled away from me. I looked up and saw Newton holding Jane with her arms behind her back and Whitlock had his arm around Victoria's neck. He looked at me and nodded once before hauling the two bitches from my cell.

I winced in pain as I stood and dusted myself off before going to sit on the bed. My ribs hurt but it wasn't anything that wouldn't heal. I had definitely had worse. I gently lowered myself to lie down when I was interrupted yet again.

"Time to get up, Swan. Your lawyer's here." Whitlock ordered.

I got to my feet and held out my hands for the cuffs again. While he was locking my wrists together, I tried to speak to him again. "Thank you." He cocked his eyebrow at my words. "For getting them off of me."

"It's my job."

He didn't say anything else and I was actually surprised to get that much out of him. His quiet, authoritative demeanor was unnerving sometimes but he was still the most decent guard in this place. He stepped behind me and nudged me to get me moving as he led me out of my cell.

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I was starting to hate this room. It was here with him that I was thinking way too much about the life I wanted to leave behind. I knew he wanted me to talk but I was running out of the good memories to talk about. I was scared to jump into the bad ones but it had to be done sooner or later. Today's fight actually brought one particular memory to the forefront of my mind.

"Our life was pretty normal for the first few months. I would have to say that the beginning of the end started around Halloween."

"Why then?"

"Well, that was the first time his temper was focused on me." I thought back for a minute. "It was a big misunderstanding but I couldn't convince him of that."

"I'm sorry. You lost me again."

"We went to a costume party that night. I mistook someone else for him and got a little too close. It really wasn't my fault because they were dressed the same."

"Was that the first night he hit you?" His pen was down and he was staring at me with concern filled eyes.

I laughed a little. "No, he didn't hit me. But that doesn't mean he didn't hurt me that night."

He reached across the table and grabbed my hand sensing that this might be bad. "You know you can tell me anything. I'm here to help you."

"I know." I took a small bit of comfort from his touch as I told him the story of that night.

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_**October 29, 2005**_

_We were in his bedroom getting ready for the party. James picked out our costumes for the night and I was happy they were simple. I stood in front of the mirror admiring my dress and I looked good. Not that I was into giving myself compliments but James just brought out the best in me and I always looked better when I allowed him to dress me. I was supposed to be dressed like some singer in the 1950's that would work the exclusive high-class clubs. The skin-tight dress was red and had a long slit up my left leg. To complete the outfit, I had three-inch red high heels, a string of pearls around my neck, ruby red lipstick, fake eyelashes and my hair was left down and perfectly straight and covering half of my face. If you asked me, I kind of looked like Jessica Rabbit._

_As I turned to the side, admiring myself again, I noticed James step behind me. My jaw dropped and my hormones went wild. He was drop-dead gorgeous wearing his black pinstriped suit, white shirt and black tie. I seriously doubted mobsters back in the day looked like this. _

_I was frozen in place as I watched him walk up behind me and my body was putty in his hands as he turned me to face the mirror. Never taking his eyes off mine, he touched his lips to my shoulder just above the material of the dress and began working his way up my neck, stopping as he reached my ear._

"_Bella," he whispered while his left hand went around my waist and the right hand slid down my leg. "You look amazing. How I would love to throw you on that bed right now and rip this dress right off your body. Do you want that?"_

_I could only nod as I was unable to form words at the moment. My breaths were heavy as he spoke in that sultry voice I loved. His hand gripped the material of my dress and started pulling it up and, when it was high enough, he slipped his hand underneath._

"_How do I know you really want it, Bella, if you don't speak?"_

_He was rubbing the top of my thigh and his fingers were so close._

"_Do you want it, Bella?" _

_He ran his tongue on the outside of my ear and my eyes closed. _

"_Look at me, Bella."_

_I opened my eyes and they instantly locked with his beautiful blue ones. He lifted his eyebrow, urging me to answer his question._

"_Yes, I want it," I whispered._

"_Good, after the party," his fingers tapped my wet spot, "this is mine."_

_He pulled his hand out and left the room, leaving me trying to catch my breath._

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_I had never been to a masquerade party before so this was fun. I loved the intrigue and mystery that came from not being able to see who anyone was. I thought, when James chose my dress, that I would stand out but I was surprised at the number of women who were dressed like I was and I noticed that the mobster look was also a favorite for this crowd. I was happy to fit in so well._

_James escorted me around the room as he introduced me to some of his friends. I don't know what the point of it was because I wouldn't know one suit from the other and the masks everyone wore weren't distinct enough for me to tell them apart but I let him do it while I kept the smile on my face and said hello. _

_When all the introductions had been made, James found a nice table in the corner for us to sit. I excitedly soaked up the atmosphere and let my eyes travel around the room. I ended my search when my eyes landed on James and my breath caught in my throat. The blue was so striking against the black mask and the intensity staring back at me had my body heating up again as my mind flashed back to the way he teased me in the bedroom before we left._

_The strong beat of the music sounded in my ear breaking me from the trance I was in and I noticed the song was one of my favorites. I was dying to get up and dance but I knew there wouldn't be any dancing for me tonight. The music being played was a great mix of R&B, country and rock but I had to resist my urges because, unlike me, James didn't like this music very much, it wasn't the classical music I knew to be his favorite. I settled for just moving my body to the beat of the music._

"_Hey man, you gonna dance with your lady or what?"_

_The question came from behind me. I turned my head to look at the man who was now standing next to James._

"_No. You know I only dance to real music." He looked back at the man as he said this._

"_She just looks like she wants to dance. Do you mind if I steal her for this song?"_

"_Do you want to dance, Bella?" James looked at me and I could see in his eyes that it wasn't a good idea._

"_No, I'm fine." I smiled at him to show him that it was okay._

"_Yes you do, Bella. I can see it in your face."_

"_I'm fine really," I insisted._

_He looked up to the man behind us and smiled. "Take her, I know she wants to."_

"_Great… shall we," he asked as he reached out a hand to me._

_James had his eyes on me again and he nodded at me telling me that it was okay. I hoped off my chair but I didn't take his offered hand. I walked to the dance floor and let loose to my favorite song. As I should have guessed, however, the heels made it a little difficult and I lost my balance a few times. Luckily the man I was dancing with had fast reflexes and caught me every time, otherwise I would have been on the floor._

_The song ended, I thanked the man for the dance and made my way back to our table but, when I got there, it was empty. I sat down thinking he was just up getting a drink. I sat alone for about fifteen minutes when I spotted him across the room so I walked over to where he was leaning against the wall. I walked right up to his side but he took a slight step away from me. I knew dancing with that man wasn't a good idea and he was not happy so I wanted to apologize. I took a step closer and laid my hand on his stomach as I leaned in to whisper in his ear._

"_I know you're upset with me for dancing with that man but I know just how to make it up to you." I slid my hand up his stomach and placed it on his cheek. "Do you have any idea how sexy you look tonight?"_

_I turned his face to mine and saw the brown eyes behind the mask. I backed away instantly. "I'm so sorry. I thought you were someone else."_

_A second after the words were out of my mouth, I felt a hand grab my arm. I was turned abruptly and I saw James standing behind me. The pressure on my arm increased to the point of pain as he yanked me away._

"_We're leaving… now."_

_He pulled me through crowd to the coat check booth so we could retrieve our coats. He grabbed mine first and threw it at me. I was surprised by his anger because it was an honest mistake. Most of the men were dressed so similarly that I couldn't tell them apart. As soon as I had my jacket on, his hand was gripping my arm again, pulling me out the door. He was walking so fast that it was hard to keep up and the heels weren't helping me one bit._

"_James, slow down before I fall, please." I begged._

"_Shut up and get your ass to the car." _

_He was livid and I knew to keep my mouth shut. The last time I saw him like this was the day he met Jake. His behavior freaked me out back then but I haven't seen any sign of that man since that day. Why now? Why would he be like this over a simple mistake?_

"_James, I'm sorry for whatever I did. I thought he was you."_

_We were two steps from the car and he pulled me around his body slamming my back into the side of the car. The pained noise that came from me was like a scream and a grunt mixed together and he reached over and covered my mouth with his hand._

"_Keep your damn mouth shut and get in the car." There was hate in his eyes as he spoke._

_I did as I was told and slid into the car. My back hurt and the tightness of the dress wasn't helping me as I got in as silently as I could. The car started and he tore out of the parking lot as he sped back to his house. I wanted to say something but it seemed like he got more angry the more I talked, so I sat quietly with my hands in my lap, staring out the window. _

_The drive was a quiet one and I was on the verge of tears, but I instinctually knew that if I let them fall now, it would make things ten times worse. I fought hard to keep the tears inside and was thankful when he pulled into his driveway and parked the car. I stayed in my seat because he never let me open my own door but when I saw him get out and walk to the front door, I knew I had to get out on my own._

_I walked into the house just after he did and went directly to the bedroom so I could change. When my shoes hit the floor, I was spun around again and my back was slammed against the wall. His tight grip on my shoulders hurt, but I didn't want to say anything in case it made his temper worse._

"_What the hell did you think you were doing?"_

"_I…"_

"_Shut up. Did you think I wouldn't care if you let him put his hands all over you?" _

"_I wasn't…"_

"_I said shut your damn mouth. You may act like a whore with your friends but you will not act like one with mine." He was right in my face and his voice was filled with hate. _

_I had never been so scared before. As hard as I tried I couldn't keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks. He smirked at me and it just looked evil. This wasn't man I knew and fell in love with. This was someone different and this man terrified me._

"_Tears don't work with me little girl. You're just making yourself look pathetic."_

_He released me with a jerk that knocked me into the wall again. I just stared at his back as he began to get undressed. My body was frozen with fear and I couldn't move. He turned his head slightly so he could peer at me from over his shoulder._

"_Go wash your face. You look disgusting."_

_His head turned away from me as he continued to get undressed. I peeled myself away from the wall and made my way to the bathroom keeping as far away from him as I could. I closed the bathroom door, slid to the floor against the wall and cried myself to sleep._

"_Bella… babe, come to bed." _

_The soft shake of my arm woke me up. The side of my face was cold from being pressed against the bathroom floor. I wiped my eyes and saw his hand waiting to help me. I slid my hand into his so I could get up. He pulled me to my feet, bent down to pick me up and carried me to bed. After laying me down and crawling in next to me, he lifted his hand to caress my cheek._

"_I'm sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry I lost my temper with you. I know you made a mistake and so did I." He kissed me gently and whispered, "I promise not to hurt you again."_

_~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~_

"I know what's going through your head right now and believe me I've asked myself why I stayed so many times." I was leaning back in my chair just staring at the disbelieving look on his face. The laugh that came out shocked him.

"How can you seriously find this funny?"

"It's not funny." I looked at my hands as I spoke. "I used to watch those ridiculous TV shows where the women would come out, cry and give excuses about why they would stay with the man that abused them. I would even yell at the TV and call them stupid because I would never let a man lay his hands on me." I blew out a breath and finished, "Karma sure is a bitch."

"Bella, you can't blame yourself for this. You were caught up in his lies with no way to get out."

Lifting my head to look at him, I was the one who was shocked. "Who's caught in the lies now, counselor? I had every chance in the world to get out." I was out of my chair pacing again. "Emily tried… Jake tried... he… I mean _they_ all tried to help me get out. They all tried to get me away from him but I used that same excuse that I heard all those women use."

I slid down the wall next to the door and curled my knees into my chest. He came to sit next to me and I tried to shuffle away from him but he grabbed my hand and held it so I couldn't get away. I exhaled and just accepted it and stayed where I was.

"If I had the strength back then to walk away, my friends would be fine, we would all still be together and I wouldn't be here." I heard a mumble next to me but I couldn't make out his words so I continued, "But now I sound like all those women when I say I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave because I loved him... in the beginning. The man I saw that night wasn't _my _James… at least it wasn't the James I knew." I leaned my head onto his shoulder. "I never knew love could hurt so much."

"It doesn't hurt. Not when it's with the right one."

His arm moved around my shoulder and his other hand grabbed mine. The comfort he offered felt good so again I just accepted it. At his mention of 'the right one', only one face came to mind and I felt the tears pool in my eyes. I watched as a tear fell, landing on his jacket

"Oh believe me, counselor, I know that one too."


	7. The Start Of It All

Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contain acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks in Bella's POV as they will tell her story as it happened.**

Thanks again to Loulabelle for all of the input and AgoodWITCH for the awesome beta work that keeps this story sounding good. I love you both so much. I can't forget all my WC girls for all the encouragement. Ladies, you are the best. Love ya tons.

Also, don't forget, there are only two more days to enter the Share Your Inspiration anonymous one-shot contest. I am one of the judges and I can't wait to see what inspires you. Entries will be accepted through Jan 14th. Check out the contest page at www .fanfiction. net/u/2580394 and follow on twitter (at)SYIanonOSC

**A/N: Sorry this chapter is late but things are back on track. I'm making up for it by giving you a little treat. In this chapter and the next, you will be hearing a different side of the story told by the Counselor himself and his very awesome assistant. I hope you enjoy seeing their side of things.**

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**Chapter 7 – The Start Of It All**

**Counselor**

**December 20, 2009**

For so many years now my life and career had been one big blur. Wrong, it was my career that had been the blur. I didn't have a personal life to speak of; no wife, no kids, very few friends that I would only see on holidays…maybe. As sad as it seemed, the only real friend I had was my assistant, Alice Brandon. We were actually perfect for each other because we were both workaholics and threw ourselves completely into every case. She was my right hand and probably my left one too and there was no way I could have made the name for myself that I did without her. It was also because of Alice that I found myself in the middle of this mess.

I spent my entire career going from case to case not stopping long enough to take the time to truly get to know my clients. I always knew the basics, spouse, children and friend's names, where they worked, what crime they were accused of and how to get them off. That was what I was good at and, more often than not, I was able to win their cases and they would get to go home to their families and live their lives again. The day Alice urged me to take this case, that all changed.

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_**September 2009**_

_The day began just like all the others with the news playing in the background while I got ready in the other room. Today was the first day in court for the assault case I was working on and I was reciting my opening statement to ensure a proper delivery. Alice called late last night excited about something and wanted to meet me first thing today, so I was heading into the office for about half an hour before I had to be at the courthouse. This wasn't anything new for her and I usually indulged her because, on most occasions, she had information I would need for the case I happened to be arguing that day. I walked into the front room to grab my briefcase and turn the television off so I could leave. I heard the last few words of the over-exposed news story of the week and shook my head as I pushed the button on the remote to turn off the power._

_The aroma of my favorite coffee hit my nose as I walked into the office and it didn't surprise me one bit that Alice was here before me. I always teased her about living in the office but she laughed it off every time with a roll of her eyes. Half a dozen steps in the door and she materialized at my right side holding a file folder in front of my face. I honestly didn't see her until she was right there, but that was Alice._

"_You have to take this," she ordered._

"_Do you mind if I get to my office first?" I asked, laughing at her exuberance._

_She huffed and followed me through the door and to my desk. She tossed the file in front of me as I took my seat and powered up my computer. I was evidently taking longer than she would have liked because she blew out a frustrated breath and opened the file for me._

"_Read it." Her voice was demanding as she stood next to me with her hands on her hips. I groaned as I recognized the name on the file. "Don't start grumbling until you've read it. You have to take this case!"_

_I skimmed through the first couple of pages she had given me just to placate her since I already knew what my answer would be. I had seen Isabella Swan's story on the news and plastered in every newspaper in town for the past two days, and wanted nothing to do with it. I hadn't paid much attention after I learned the initial facts because open and shut, impossible to win cases like this one seemed to be weren't what I had built my name on, so I never took them. Alice knew my feelings on these types of cases so I didn't understand why she was bothering me with it._

"_Alice, why would you bring me in here for this? You know I don't…" She cut me off._

"_You haven't even looked at it!" I was about to give another objection but she kept talking. "I've already done some preliminary digging and I believe there's a good chance to win." She turned my chair around so I was looking directly at her. "There is something different about this case…about this girl. You can see it if you look at her." _

_I looked at my watch and there was no time to sit here and argue with her about this. I had to be in court in forty minutes and it was a twenty-minute drive there._

"_No, you're not going to ignore me on this one."_

_She took a step back as I got out of my chair and walked to the file cabinet. I pulled out seven file folders and fanned them out on the desk. I waved my hand over them to bring them to her attention._

"_These are my active cases, Alice. I don't have the time to pick up another one right now, especially one I can't win."_

"_Ugh, you can be so infuriating sometimes." She moved to my desk and sifted through the files. "This one…closing is this afternoon." She picked them up one by one. "And this one…the jury is out and should be back any time now." She picked up another. "And this one…two days work at the most." Her hands were back on her hips. "That leaves four open cases and you know as well as I do that you have no problem picking up another case."_

_She had me and she knew it. I didn't have any other excuses so I relented._

"_Fine, Alice. I'll take it with me and look through it later. Will that get you off my back?"_

_Her eyes brightened as she picked the file up off the table and skipped her way over to me. "Don't worry, once you read it, you'll see exactly what I did." She handed it to me and kissed me on the cheek. "We can win this one. I know it."_

_I left my very excited employee standing in my office as I left for the courthouse. Everything went smoothly in court and when we broke for lunch, I had time to look at Isabella Swan's file. Alice had a decent amount of information and it was enough to think a win was possible. I should know by now that she wouldn't ask me to look at something she wasn't sure about, and I was going to have to listen to the 'I told you so' later, but for now, I needed to make my move to take this case. _

_Isabella had been assigned a public defender and, with his reputation, she would have been strapped to a table with a needle in her arm within a week. I wasn't going to let that happen to someone who I now believed didn't deserve it. I only had a couple of police reports to go off of, but with her past, her actions may have been her only chance to survive. Self-defense in these types of cases was hard to prove and even harder to win and I knew without a doubt that her court appointed lawyer wasn't up to the job. As always, Alice knew me better than I knew myself and, knowing I would see things her way in the end, she had included the time of Isabella's arraignment, so I made my way to the courtroom to present a deal to her lawyer._

_As overworked as public defenders always were, I knew he would jump at the chance and I was right. He took my offer to take the case off his hands and shuffled through the stack of what looked like fifteen open cases and handed me hers without a second thought. I took the twenty minutes I still had before her case was called to read through his notes and was amazed, even though I shouldn't have been, that Alice had already put together more information on this case than he had._

_Isabella was easy to pick out of the crowd after I made my way to the front of the courtroom, because she looked nothing like the other women in orange jumpsuits surrounding her. They looked like they had been in this position before and were bored with the proceedings, while she was sitting with her back hunched over and her head down, never lifting her eyes from her lap to acknowledge her surroundings. For a moment, I thought she was on some sort of medication but I watched as her body jumped at every loud noise in the room and she cringed away from the bailiff as he reached for her arm to bring her to the defense table where I now stood waiting for her._

"_Guilty or not guilty," I whispered in her ear as she stood next to me at the table. I already knew how I was going to answer the judge's question when it was asked, but I wanted to hear what she had to say._

"_Does it matter," she whispered back._

_Her response didn't make sense so I asked the question using different words. "Did you do what they're accusing you of or not?"_

"_I wouldn't be here if I didn't, now would I?"_

_She confused me. People in her position would say anything I wanted them to say to get out of whatever mess they landed themselves in. She didn't put up an ounce of a fight and she was acting like she didn't care. I thought about her two sentences but was brought back by the judge's annoyed voice._

"_Counselor, I need an answer."_

_I gave the judge a quick glance before my gaze was pulled back to the girl next to me. "Not guilty, your honor."_

_Her head snapped up and her eyes found mine. No sooner than I registered the look of shock on her face, it changed and an extreme sadness took over as her eyes glistened with unshed tears. The bailiff moved to grab her arm again and the pull caused one of the tears to fall, but she did nothing to wipe it from her face. Before she took her second step away from me, she asked me one simple, yet completely loaded question._

"_Why?"_

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She had asked that question so many times over the past few months and, without the information she was sharing with me now, the lack of an answer had been eating away at me. With her confession to me today, I understood her and her question a lot more now. She wanted to die and that night was her way to make that happen. I listened to her tell me how hard she fought back so he _would_ hurt her and it killed me that she was in so much pain.

That was what made me realize that I had been feeling more for her than I thought. I knew I cared about her, but I thought it was just me reacting to the situation she was in. When I thought about her lying on that floor dead by his hand, I couldn't stop myself from wrapping her in my arms.

Over the past week, she had been letting her guard down more and more but, for the first time in months, she dropped the tough girl act and shared the most shocking secret of all. So much pain flowed with her tears and she needed someone and I was thankful that she let it be me. Her vulnerability in that moment broke my heart and I cried with her. She was so wrapped up in her own memories that she didn't notice and I made sure that my eyes were dry when she pushed herself away from me and tried to leave.

Thinking back now and remembering her face as it made the switch back to the tough girl she displayed to the world I felt a tug at my heart. I was more resolved than ever to keep the promise I made to her and get her out of that place so she could be with her friends again.

I walked away from the window back to my desk and pushed the button on the phone. Alice's voice came through loud and clear.

"Give me two seconds."

Just like Alice, two seconds was all it took for her to make it into my office. I wrote down the first and most important name on one piece of paper and the last three on another. Her smug smile told me that she had been reading my notes again. Before I could tell her what I wanted from her, she proved why she was so invaluable to me.

"I've already got several leads. Just give me a couple of days, I'll find her." She crumpled up the first piece of paper, threw it away and walked out of my office.

~..~..~..~..~..~

**Alice**

I laughed as I closed the office door behind me. We had been together too long now and we knew every move the other would make so it always seemed funny to me when I could surprise him. He knew I would occasionally go through his papers because he would become too focused sometimes and forget to tell me things. I learned that lesson the hard way and we lost an important case because of it. I was never going to let that happen again, especially not now…not with her.

This case had been different from the beginning and it was kind of worrying me. From the first day I started working for him, we always had five or six open files and he worked them all without missing a beat but all that changed the day I brought this case to him. I had watched him settle the few cases that he had been working on when he picked up Isabella's case but he never added any more so now she was the only client we had. It wasn't anything we had to worry about financially because there was plenty of money in the bank for us to keep working. My worry was on a personal level.

It was a couple of months ago, after his last case was over and he threw himself fully into Isabella's defense that I started noticing the subtle changes in him. His mood changed as every day she remained silent passed. He got more and more frustrated and we talked about things he could try to get her to open up to him but every day he would come back to the office angrier than when he left because she was fighting him every step of the way.

He started drinking again, not a lot, but enough to cause him to pass out on his desk a couple of times. He did that when he was working on a particularly stressful case. It was actually the reason I started going through his papers again. I didn't want anything to get missed like the last time. The first night he passed out I didn't wake him right away and took my chance to see what had been going on. I was in his office moving his papers when I saw the one sentence that told me this was more than just a case to him.

It explained his anger and frustration over the past couple of months. Every day was the same, he would go see her and come back ready to throw something through the walls. Last week, however, he came back to the office more excited than I had seen him since we started; and when I asked him about it, he told me that Isabella finally started talking. She was giving him the details of her life with that piece of shit boyfriend of hers and we were finally going to be able to come up with the best way to help her.

It was my job to get as many details as possible about her while he got her story. I had spent the past three months reconstructing the last four years of Isabella's life. I had every police report ever filed against him and I was working on pulling the information about her private life but as I was looking through records at the beginning of 2007, everything about her disappeared. It was as if Isabella Swan didn't exist anymore.

I knew that was when she had gone into hiding, but I was finding nothing. During my search for information, I learned the names of her college friends and I hoped that they could help me but, when I tried to find their information, they seemed to have disappeared at the same time. Five people do not just vanish into thin air, so I had been working around the clock, using every connection I had to find someone who would give her a new identity.

We had worked on domestic violence cases before and a couple of our clients had to go as far as changing their identities, so I knew a couple of people in that "profession" who I could ask for help. Getting information from people in that line of work was hard enough, but having to get what I needed was a daunting task because Isabella had crossed state lines. People who forge documents don't usually send things through the mail so she had to work with more than one person and those people didn't usually share information.

A few weeks ago I found the man who forged her documents here and, by some miracle, he was friends with the man that she went to in Colorado. It just so happened that they used to do business together there but he moved away and continued his work here. He knew Isabella's story and he liked her, thought she was a sweet girl caught in a bad situation and fully justified in doing what she did. His feelings about her were the only reason he agreed to help me. His exact words were, "she's already been through enough and needs peace in her life. It's for that reason alone, I'll help you."

He was going to track down his friend and get him to talk to me because, not only was I on Isabella's side, but I had a reputation for keeping people's questionable activities to myself, which allowed me to be trusted. It was one of the reasons I was so good at my job, and able to get as much information as I did, because not all of my contacts were on the level.

I was sitting at my desk staring at the four files, each one labeled with the names of Isabella's friends. I had gone over the information so many times that I almost didn't need to open them anymore, I knew their contents by heart and none of it helped me. I had reached a dead end.

"Alice?"

The door behind me opened just as my cell phone began to ring. I held up one finger to him as I answered. "Alice Brandon… yes… that's great… can you give me… okay give him my number and tell him to call me anytime." My smile grew as I listened. "No, thank you. You have no idea how much this will help." I exhaled. "I owe you one… yes… we'll do whatever it takes. Thank you."

My phone was back on my desk and I was grinning widely as I turned around to see my confused boss.

"Who was that?"

"Just someone who can help."

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**Counselor**

**December 21, 2009**

I was pacing the room, waiting for the guard to bring her in. My nerves were getting the better of me because I didn't know how I was going to sit in the same room with her and act normal, now that I had identified my feelings for what they were. This wasn't supposed to happen. She was my client; there shouldn't be any personal feelings involved. I had a job to do. I needed to get her out of here and back to her life; that was it. There shouldn't have been anything else; falling for her was never part of the plan.

The sound of the door opening caused me to turn and I watched as the guard led her into the room to sit in the chair so he could take the handcuffs off. It was the routine but it was enough to give me a chance to collect my thoughts. She rubbed her wrists the same as she would every day when he took them off because they were always too tight.

As soon as the guard left, I found myself leaning against the table in front of her, holding her hands while rubbing my thumbs over her fingers. Until yesterday she never let me anywhere near her before and I was happier than I should have been that she was allowing even this small touch between us. The closeness brought a smile to my face.

"You look better today." I told her as she looked up at me. The swelling in her eye from yesterday had gone down enough that I could see both of her beautiful brown eyes today.

_Shit! So much for acting normal._

"I'm fine."

The moment ended as she pulled her hands from mine and practically ran to the other side of the room. I couldn't pretend it didn't hurt because it did.

"Bella?" Even I heard the little crack in my voice.

I cleared my throat as I tried to hide the rejection I felt as she pulled away from me yet again but by the look in her eyes, I don't think I did a very good job. I had to pull myself together fast. Her look was unsettling; it was as if she knew, but how could she when I just figured it out myself.

_Business damn it. Get back to business._

"Please sit so we can get started." It came out sounding robotic…unfeeling.

As hard as it was, I cleared my head of all thoughts of her because I had a job to do and I was going to do it. I had to be the professional here so I took my seat and began taking my legal pad and files out of my briefcase as I motioned to the chair across from me.

"Please Bella, have a seat. I know there is still a lot we need to go over." I kept all emotion out of my voice now as I spoke.

I fought to keep myself in line but it was difficult. Keeping my eyes focused on my legal pad, I made a few notes so I could appear disinterested but, out of the corner of my eye, I watched her move slowly toward her chair. When she was finally sitting, I had enough control to look her in the eye.

"What would you like to discuss with me today?" I sounded far too clinical.

"What's with you today?" She called me on it.

"I don't know what you mean." I played dumb.

"Bullshit, counselor. The minute I'm in my chair you're holding my hands and now you won't even look me in the eye. This is about yesterday isn't it?"

Her yelling caught the guard's attention and he banged on the door to quiet her down. I should have known she wouldn't let it go. She was always so suspicious of everything that went on around her and my change in attitude wasn't going to escape her notice…or her temper.

"Why would you even think that?" I asked, still no emotion in my voice.

"Do you think I'm stupid, or what? I tell you that I'm not worth your trouble and all of a sudden you're acting like you agree with me. What kind of shit is that? You have been going on and on for months wanting me to tell you about my past and when I finally tell you what I really wanted that day, you can't handle it. You're such a fucking hypocrite. Do you know that?"

_What the hell? Is she serious?_

Here I was thinking she could see right through me to the feelings I was now forced to hide, when all she really thought was that I was giving up on her. Sure, my attitude changed and yeah, maybe I was acting different today than normal, but it didn't mean I wanted to give up on her. It was completely ridiculous of her to think I could do something like that.

The only thing she had right in that little rant of hers was the fact that I couldn't handle hearing her say she wanted to die. I hardly knew this girl but she already meant more to me than anyone ever had. Did she not feel that when I held her in my arms yesterday? Then she called me a hypocrite for trying to keep my distance and maintain my professionalism so I could help her. I felt my own temper rise as I fell into another argument with her.

"What the hell did you call me? You think I'm a hypocrite, Bella. Just because I'm not holding your hand and babying you while you give me the details I asked you for."

"Oh hell no. You think I want you to baby me. Well you can take your ass right out of this room and not come back if that's what you think. I _never_ needed you here."

That statement slapped me across the face. I knew she felt like she needed to be here as some sort of punishment for herself. I knew she took the blame for whatever it was that happened to herself and her friends but she was wrong. Even if, God forbid, I couldn't win this case, I would make her see that.

"Bella, you need someone to fight for you since you're clearly not going to fight for yourself."

I moved to where she was standing by the door. She wanted to leave but I wasn't going to let her run from me this time. I was behind her in a second, turning her to face me. As our eyes locked, I was caught off guard with how close she was to me but I quickly regained control because I needed her to hear me.

"I am here for you and I'm_ not_ going anywhere. I will fight for you with every breath I have." I couldn't resist the urge to touch her as I laid my hand on her cheek. "I need you, Bella."

_Fuck! _I began to panic because I just said that shit aloud…to her face. If she didn't know my feelings before, she's going to know now. My mind worked fast to cover my slip and I said the only thing I could to make my words sound intentional.

"I need you to fight with me."

No words left her mouth so I didn't know if she caught my slip. Our eyes were locked and as we stared at each other, I took in the depth of her eyes. She tried to shift her gaze but I wasn't letting her avoid me now. I may have slipped and said too much but I meant what I said when I told her I needed her to fight this with me but, for her to do that, I needed her to trust me enough to share herself with me. With all she had been through, I didn't know if she could.

"I'm going to ask you one last time…can I trust you?"

She finally spoke, but it was a question I had already answered. I told her the first time that she could trust me with her life and, with as much as I meant it then, the recognition of my feelings for her made me more desperate than ever to save her from this place and give her the life she deserved, only now, I hoped to be a part of it.

"And I'll give you the same answer as before. You can trust me with your life, Bella. I promise you right here…right now that I will do whatever it takes to save you."

With no answer, she left me standing alone by the door. I turned to see her sit back in her chair

"Then let's get started, counselor. There's so much you need to know."

Happiness consumed me and the weight that had been resting on my shoulders lifted when the last sentence left her lips. She was finally going to let me in and it sounded like she was going to do it fully without holding anything back. I felt my lips turn up at the corners as I walked back to the table. There was only one thing that could make this day better.

"I have to ask you one thing, Bella." She nodded and waited for my question. "Can I ask you to please start using my name?" I knew it was a long shot, but I had to try.

"You haven't earned that yet, _counselor_."

I couldn't hold back my laugh now as I saw the smug look on her face. She seemed to get too much pleasure out of calling me that because she knew it irritated me. For months, her only goal was to piss me off and make me leave but I was finally able to break through her defenses and I watched as her whole character changed right before my eyes.

The girl in front of me now didn't have a trace of the tough girl I had been facing for months. Her face seemed softer as the lines that were usually present on her forehead disappeared and she didn't have the edge to her voice that she normally had. As I looked at her now, I could almost see who she used to be. That girl may be gone for now but I believed she was still in there somewhere and I was going to do everything in my power to bring her back.

Knowing that I couldn't dwell on it anymore, I had to get back to business. She was finally opening up to me and I wasn't about to lose one second dwelling on things that weren't a possibility…yet.


	8. A Thousand Miles

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.**

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

Thanks as always to Loulabelle for all of the input and great titles and for not hunting me down and killing me for this chapter. I love you, babe.

Huge thanks to AgoodWITCH for the awesome beta work and saving me from the love/hate relationship that I seem to have with commas. You are the best ever, love.

I want to give a special thanks to A Cullen Wannabe for helping me with the Detective. You gave me such great advice. Love you so much, hun.

I can't forget all my WC girls for all the encouragement. Ladies, you are the best. Love ya tons.

**Voting is open until the 26th for the Share Your Inspiration anonymous one-shot contest. Check out the contest page at www .fanfiction. net/u/2580394 to read these awesome stories and vote for your favorite.**

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Chapter 8 – A Thousand Miles

Alice

December 21, 2009

He walked in and slammed the door behind him. Another fight with Isabella was written all over his face. He always came back with the same scowl whenever they fought. I had actually thought it was starting to get better as the days went by, but I guess I was wrong.

"Bad day?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he grumbled as he stomped into his office and slammed the door shut.

I knew when he would get like this that he just needed some time alone to process things before I could get him to talk. I waited about an hour and ordered some take out from his favorite Italian place. I knew what he was doing in there and the pasta would do him good. I paid the delivery guy when the food arrived and, armed with my offering of dinner, I braced myself as I knocked on his door.

He didn't answer so I cracked the door open a bit to see him sitting on the small couch in the far corner of the room. His head rested on the back with one arm covering his eyes and the other lay in his lap holding a half full glass of vodka while the opened bottle stood on the table in front of him.

"I ordered dinner." I spoke tentatively, not really knowing what kind of mood he was in.

"I don't want anything." He didn't even shift his position when he answered.

I walked over to the couch and placed the food on the table so we could talk for a bit. To be comfortable, I kicked off my shoes and climbed on the cushion next to him with both feet tucked under me. I had my elbow on the back of the couch and rested my head on my fist while I waited for him to talk. I knew I wouldn't have to wait long because he hated silence. It only took a couple of minutes before he spoke.

"I really messed up big time, Alice."

"What happened?" I paused for just a second before asking a different question. "Oh God, please tell me you didn't kiss her or something?"

That got him to lift his arm and look at me. If he didn't look like he was ready to jump out the window, I would have laughed.

"What…? You…?" He groaned as he sat up and drained his glass. "Is it that obvious?"

"Only to me because I've known you for so long." I shifted onto my knees and put an arm around his shoulders. "You know you can't hide anything from me. I know you too well."

He set the glass on the table, leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He didn't speak and, after a couple of minutes, he grabbed the bottle and filled the glass one more time. I stepped in before he grabbed it.

"Come on, eat something first before you drink that. Please?" It was shameless begging but I needed to do something to counteract the alcohol. "I got your favorite."

"You know I can't say no to you." He reluctantly agreed and left the full glass on the table.

I gave him his box and we both began to eat. I'd learned over the years not to push him for information, he would talk when he was ready. I slid an open bottle of water in front of him and pulled the vodka bottle back.

"I wanted to." The depression was clear in his voice.

"Wanted to what?" I knew what he meant but he needed to talk this out.

"To kiss her. I had her in my arms and if she didn't have her back to me, I probably would have." He put his food down and took a drink of his water. "What is wrong with me, Alice? This shouldn't have happened."

"You haven't been with anyone in a long time. You can't help who you're attracted to."

"But she's my client; there are boundaries I shouldn't cross."

"Then don't cross them, at least not now. When the case is over and she's been released, then things could be different."

"You have no idea how hard this is. I sat there today listening to her tell me about the loser types she used to date and how he was so much different than they were." He paused for a second before he jumped up and began pacing. "Yeah he was different all right; at least those other guys didn't beat her. Did you know that she still considers a night with him as one of the best nights of her life? Do you know how hard that was to listen to?"

His raised voice showed his agitation as his pacing picked up speed.

"The entire time she was talking all I could think about was everything I could do for her." He turned to face me. "Alice, I could make her safe, I could keep her happy and I could love her if she would just let me in and gave me a chance."

"Well, maybe if you…" I started but he wasn't done.

"No! You don't understand, she flat out told me there would never be another man in her life. There isn't anything I can do."

He dropped himself back onto the couch and I immediately grabbed his hand and made him face me. "Look, you can't think about all of that now. You have to get her through this and then maybe, when all of this is over, she will see you differently and she'll know that a good and decent man is right there waiting to love her."

"I hope you're right."

"I thought you knew…I'm always right." I winked as I teased him.

The tension was broken and I laughed when he reached out and pulled me into a hug. "You are too damn good for me, Alice. What would I do without you?"

"Well, you're lucky I like you so you'll never have to find out."

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**Counselor**

My talk with Alice tonight allowed me to voice some of my feelings so I could keep them under control but it did nothing to quiet my mind as thoughts of Bella continued to haunt me. She was so sweet and strong and beautiful. She should have never had to endure the viciousness that he brought into her world. Just thinking of what he did to her had me facing another sleepless night. I'd had a lot of those lately.

I had spent the last two nights trying to reconcile everything she had told me about her life so far with the crime scene photos and police reports that had piled up over the years. That man fucked up her life and pushed her into a corner that she didn't believe she could get out of. She said she didn't care about her life anymore and was ready to let him kill her so she didn't have to go on any longer.

I just couldn't understand it. I needed to know exactly what he did to her but I didn't know if I could handle it now. The feelings I was having for her were clouding my judgment and after every bad thing she told me, I wanted to console her. This afternoon was a prime example of that.

She told me about how James had treated her in the beginning and just from those memories; I knew why she fell in love with him. It was when she spoke about him thinking of her as his property that I felt the need to give her some sort of comfort. I couldn't help but offer her my hand, but in my eyes, it was the weakest show of comfort imaginable. I wanted it to be more. I wanted to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay.

It was only yesterday that I realized how I felt about her and I could feel it getting harder and harder to keep my hands to myself when she's in any kind of pain. I wanted so much to take away all the pain and for this to be over and for her to walk out of that place.

The vibration of the phone on my nightstand interrupted my thoughts. There was only one person who would call me this late. I flipped the phone open and spoke without even looking at the caller ID.

"What is it, Alice?"

"How much do you love me?" She was excited so I knew she had the answer I needed to hear.

"Tell me."

"I found her. You leave in two days to see her."

Finally, I was going to get more answers.

~..~..~..~..~..~

**December 22, 2009**

Sitting in front of Bella today was a little easier than yesterday. First, I had a pretty tight wrap on my feelings. I wasn't going to let them hit me as hard as they did yesterday. Second, the antagonism was gone. She wasn't fighting me anymore and she was talking to me like we were old friends or something. It was a strange and very different, but I would take it.

"Our life was pretty normal for the first few months. I would have to say that the beginning of the end started around Halloween."

"Why then?" I couldn't help asking.

"Well, that was the first time his temper was focused on me."

I sucked in a breath. I didn't expect that.

"It was a big misunderstanding but I couldn't convince him of that."

"I'm sorry. You lost me again."

"We went to a costume party that night. I mistook someone else for him and got a little too close. It really wasn't my fault because they were dressed the same."

I could see where this was going and I was suddenly afraid for her. Of course, he wasn't around to hurt her anymore and it was just a memory, but sometimes the memories could hurt worse. Just then a different thought caused my body to tense as I processed _all_ of her words. I didn't want to ask but I had to know.

"Was that the first night he hit you?" I asked the question but I didn't really want to hear the truth if it was what I thought it was. _Please say no! Please say no! _My mind was screaming the answer I was dying to hear.

Her small laugh was enough to ease my fears. "No he didn't hit me. But that doesn't mean he didn't hurt me that night."

I steeled myself to hear what that man's temper would cause him to do to her. With all the possible scenarios running through my mind, I think I needed the comfort as much as she did right now. I allowed myself a small touch as I reached across the table and grabbed her hand.

"You know you can tell me anything. I'm here to help you."

"I know," she said softly as she squeezed my hand a little before she told me her story.

She started by telling me how she was dressed for a Halloween party. The feel of her hand in mine as she was describing the tight red dress with the slit running up her leg was killing me. I felt the beads of sweat forming on my neck, as the temperature in the room began to rise. I tried to focus on what she was saying but my mind was stuck on the image of her in that dress and the thought of how soft that exposed leg would be.

Then the image was ruined as she described him touching her and teasing her. My stomach turned and the bile rose in my throat as I thought of him having his hands on her like that. He had the distinct pleasure of being able to touch her and he used it to hurt her. Pictures from an old police report popped into my head as my mind recalled a very different image of her with deep purple bruises running up and down her back and the anger swelled within me, bringing me back to reality.

I continued to listen as she started describing the party and the uncomfortable feeling she got when James told her to go dance with another man. She had talked once before about him setting her up to see the reaction she would have to a given situation and I wondered if the dance was another set up; his way of testing her to see what she would do and how she would behave. If I was right, she failed that test and sparked his anger the minute she got out of her chair, making whatever happened that night inevitable.

As I wrote down my suspicions I felt her grip tighten on the hand she was still holding. She probably didn't realize she did it because when I looked up, her face had that far away look and her eyes stared unfocused at the table as she was completely taken over by the memory. I felt one of her nails dig into my skin as her grip became even tighter than before and I knew this wasn't going to be good. She described the rest of her night and while she spoke, my mind created snapshots to match her words.

James dragging Bella to the car and her fighting to keep up.

James throwing her against the car and the look of pain on her face from the impact.

Bella, submissive to his rage, keeping quiet, hoping not to make it worse.

James slamming Bella against the wall and the look of terror in her eyes as he held her there, calling her a whore.

Bella in tears as she watched the man she loved change into this monster.

Bella glued to the wall in fear as James told her she looked disgusting.

Bella, a broken mess, crying herself to sleep on the cold tile floor of the bathroom.

And the worst image of all, Bella's look of forgiveness as she accepted his apology and his promise to never hurt her again.

I couldn't concentrate on my notes any longer as I fought to control my temper. My grip was about to break the pen in half as the images began to run on a continuous loop in my head. Her voice cut through the anger that was building inside me and grounded me back in reality again.

"I know what's going through your head right now and believe me I've asked myself why I stayed so many times."

That thought was actually the furthest thing from my mind. I was actually wishing it were possible to kill a person twice because I would have loved to get my hands on that man, if you could even call him that. Her sudden laugh shocked me. Normally, I would have given anything to hear it but right now, it just seemed out of place.

"How can you seriously find this funny?" I was beginning to worry about her mental health.

"It's not funny. I used to watch those ridiculous TV shows where the women would come out, cry and give excuses about why they would stay with the man that abused them. I would even yell at the TV and call them stupid because I would never let a man lay his hands on me. Karma sure is a bitch."

_God, how can she keep thinking this was her fault?_

"Bella, you can't blame yourself for this. You were caught up in his lies with no way to get out."

She looked at me like I was crazy when I told her that. True to form, she was up pacing the room. She did that when her nerves wouldn't let her sit still.

"Who's caught in the lies now, counselor? I had every chance in the world to get out. Emily tried… Jake tried... he… I mean _they_…"

"Wait…what?" I quickly replayed her words. _Who in the hell is…he? Who else was involved here? _She tried to cover her slip but I know what I heard.

She continued talking like she didn't hear me, "…all tried to help me get out. They all tried to get me away from him but I used that same excuse that I heard all of those women use."

I wrote down a couple of quick notes that I needed to talk to Alice about later and when I looked back up, she was sitting by the door with her arms wrapped loosely around her raised knees. In that one moment, she looked like a scared little girl and I couldn't fight the urge to go to her.

The second I was sitting next to her, she tried to move away but I wasn't having that. She needed someone right now and I would be damned if I was going to let her go through this alone. I grabbed her hand and held it between us. It was the only thing I could do to let her know I was there for her and to my surprise she didn't fight me.

"If I had the strength back then to walk away, my friends would be fine, we would all still be together and I wouldn't be here."

"And I wouldn't have met you," I whispered as the truth of her words grabbed my heart.

"But now I sound like all those women when I say I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave because I loved him... in the beginning. The man I saw that night wasn't my James… at least it wasn't the James I knew."

She paused as her head rested on my shoulder. That small bit of acceptance made me feel good, like I helped her in some way.

"I never knew love could hurt so much."

"It doesn't hurt. Not when it's with the right one."

I was hoping that one day she could see me as the right one for her. That one forbidden thought had me do something I probably wouldn't have tried any other time. I let go of her hand and wrapped that arm around her shoulders as I used the other hand to hold hers again. She let me hold her and the silence in the room added to the tenderness of the moment.

"Oh believe me, counselor, I know that one too."

Her voice broke the silence and the amount of sadness I heard caught me by surprise. I didn't know what she meant by that but I wasn't going to pursue it right now. This bit of peace felt too good so I remained quiet, enjoying this time with her. We must have been lost in the silence together because we both jumped when three knocks hit the door to signal that our time was almost up.

I drew in a deep breath and exhaled. "Time's up." I didn't want it to end because I knew I wasn't going to see her for a while. "Bella, listen," she lifted her head to look at me. "I have to go away for a few days. I won't be back in town until the day after Christmas, so I won't be back here until Monday."

"That's good. I was getting tired of your ass anyway." She gave me a little shove and the joking tone of her voice made me laugh.

I had seen a myriad of attitudes from her over the past couple of months but playful was never one of them. I could get used to this. I stood up, offering my hand to help her up and she took it. I knew I only had a few minutes left and my anxiety over not seeing her for five days caused me to do something I knew I shouldn't. I pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her for an innocent hug. She stood still as a statue in my arms, making the embrace completely one-sided.

"I know this isn't the place you want to be for it, but Merry Christmas, Bella."

I fully expected her to push me away but I was surprised when her hands touched my waist and didn't move. She put her forehead on my chest and spoke quietly.

"December 25th is just another day, Counselor. Another day to be alone."

The push I was expecting a few seconds ago happened now as the keys rattled in the door. She backed away a few steps, putting space between us so the guard could step in and put the handcuffs back in place. I didn't care what she had to say as I said the words again.

"Merry Christmas, Bella. I'll see you next week." I nodded my head toward the guard. "Merry Christmas to you too, Mr. Whitlock… and thank you."

I laughed as I saw the look of confusion on Bella's face as he led her out the door.

~..~..~..~..~..~

**December 23, 2009**

I was sitting at my desk, preparing myself for what was sure to be a very trying day. Over the past few months, Alice and I had both talked to a few psychiatrists about the behavior of abuse victims and, now that I knew Bella a little better, I had more than a few questions. Studying the police report from that night didn't give me the answers I needed so I had scheduled an appointment with the lead detective to go over some of my questions with the man who investigated the case.

When I had scheduled this appointment last week, I had plenty of time for the interview. Today, however, time was short because I had an even more pressing appointment a thousand miles away. I reached over to push the button on the buzzing phone that interrupted my thoughts.

"Yes, Alice?"

"Sir, your nine o'clock is here."

"Send him in please, Alice."

I quickly finished typing my last sentence as the door opened. Alice took a step in and motioned for the Detective to come in. He said thank you and came over to my desk. I stood up and extended my hand to him.

"Detective McCarty, thank you for coming. Please have a seat."

He took a seat in one of the chairs while I sat back down, shuffling my papers to the side and pulling out my notebook that contained all my questions for him.

"If you don't mind, I would like to record this interview so I do not misquote you at anytime." I showed him the recorder before placing it on the desk.

"That's fine with me," he agreed with a shrug.

I pressed the record button, set it down on top of my desk and began the interview. "Detective, I would like to ask you some questions about the night in question."

"Ask away. Nothing has changed from the police report you have." He was noticeably irritated.

"You were the first detective on the scene, correct?"

"Yes. We caught the call and arrived about ten minutes after the first officers did."

"And what was your first impression of the scene."

"The first thing I saw was the blood. It was all over the floor, on some of the furniture and multiple streaks of it smeared along the wall leading from the kitchen to the front door. As I stepped into the room I saw the excessive amount of blood on the door handle and the light switch next to the door."

"The light switch? Don't you find that odd?" I questioned.

"Not necessarily. She had his blood on her hands as she attempted to leave the scene. If she were to steady herself against the wall before or while trying to open the door, the blood is going be there."

"Okay, speaking of those bloody prints, when they were analyzed was it determined which hand was used to make the prints on both the door and the switch?"

He narrowed his eyes, glaring at me and I saw his frustration. "You have read my report right. Shouldn't you know this?" He was agitated with my questions.

"Yes, I've read your report Detective. I just want to hear it in your words."

He exhaled in frustration. "The door handle had prints from Ms. Swan's right hand and the light switch had prints from both hands present."

I thought about his answers for a minute and then I wrote some notes that I would need to ask Bella about because some of the details needed to be explained.

"Alright Detective, please describe for me the condition of the bodies when they were found."

"Ms. Swan was covered in blood. I didn't move her while we waited for the EMTs who were a couple minutes out. Mr. Denton was lying on his back, also covered in blood with more underneath him from his wounds." He took a breath before continuing. "There was one knife full of blood and lying by one of the overturned armchairs and a second knife was buried in Mr. Denton's neck."

"Your report states that Ms. Swan was conscious when you arrived on the scene, correct?"

"Barely conscious." He corrected me.

"Did she say anything to you?"

"She said 'Let me go. It's finally over'."

"What was over?" After getting part of her story, I knew she was talking about both James' life and her own. But by his report, he didn't know about that.

"You don't read do you?" His voice rose a little and he narrowed his eyes at me. He was intimidating when he was angry. "Everything you're asking is in my report. Why are you wasting my time and asking me for things you already know?"

"Please Detective, indulge me?"

The irritation was coming off of him in waves. "When I was able to question her, she told me that he was finally done hurting people."

"And you…" He cut me off.

"She also told me she was glad he was dead and that it was something she should have done sooner." He gave me a small grin. "Face it, your client is guilty and there's nothing you can do about it."

I looked at my watch and shook my head, letting his comment go. "Did she say anything else to you?"

"No she didn't say another word to anyone again." He shrugged. "Not that I needed her to since she had just confessed."

"How can you be so cold?" My need to protect Bella was extending to this man who thought she deserved this. "After everything that girl has been through, don't you see a small amount of justification in her actions?"

"And you do? You can't be serious." His jaw clenched, he sat up straighter in his chair and his hands grabbed the sides so hard it looked like they would break under the pressure. "A murderer is still a murderer no matter what happened to lead them to do it. You're client killed a man and she doesn't regret it one bit. How do you feel sorry for someone like that?"

I had enough but my phone buzzed before I could tell him off.

"Yes, Alice." I snapped at her out of frustration.

"I'm sorry to interrupt but there is someone here to see you. He says it's urgent."

"Thank you, Alice." I looked at Detective McCarty and he lifted one eyebrow in question. I had to get away from him for a minute to calm down. "Excuse me Detective but I must step out for a minute. I only have a few more questions when I return."

I stood up and walked out to an empty reception area. I looked at Alice and she had a triumphant look on her face.

"It sounded like you could use the break."

"Were you listening on the phone again, Alice?"

She knew I hated when she listened in on my interviews but I couldn't get mad at her this time for saving me in there.

"No," she rolled her eyes, "not like that anyway. I could hear him getting loud in there and I know you weren't going to take it for much longer."

She knew me so well, I could never ask for anyone better than Alice.

"You're right; I don't think I would have either. Thanks. Now I better get back in there so I can get him out of here." She wished me luck and I went back into my office.

As he answered the last of my questions, I looked at my watch for the hundredth time and my eyes were constantly going back and forth between the man in front of me and my jacket hanging in its place by the door. My plane ticket was safely resting in the inside pocket of that jacket just begging to be used. I looked at my watch again to make sure I still had enough time to get to the airport.

"I'm sorry. Am I boring you or something?" He was aggravated. "I would think you would be paying better attention if your goal is to get that girl out of prison. Or have you finally figured out that it's a lost cause. Believe me when I say, that girl is right where she belongs."

I fought to keep control of my temper after his last statement but I had to address him. "No Detective. I'm sorry if I seem distracted. I have plane to catch and I was checking the time to make sure I didn't miss my flight."

"Fine then." He shrugged. "I don't have anything else to say anyway. You have my report and you have all the details I can give you." He stood up and made his way to the door but turned back to me before he walked out. "I don't envy you one bit, you know. Taking on a case you can't win has got to be tough to deal with."

I was fuming when he left. He took a shot at Bella any chance he could. I knew it wouldn't help to hit the man for his rudeness because I would be the one hurt in the end. I just had to remember, he worked on facts…not emotion.

I took the time to type up my notes from the interview before it was time to head to the airport. I was nervous but I needed to make this trip for Bella's sake. I owed it to her to find them and get them to tell me what she couldn't.

~..~..~..~..~..~

Four hours later, I was walking out of the airport with the keys to my rental car in hand and the map that Alice gave me before I left. It would only take forty-five minutes to get to their house from here and I used the time to figure out how I was going to approach her. The trip seemed to take less time than the clock showed. Before long, I was sitting in front of the house that matched the address in my hand. I took a deep breath and got out of the car.

The ten steps to the door felt like a hundred and I took every one slowly. I saw the curtains move and knew I was being watched. I stepped onto the small porch and was about to knock when the door swung open.

"Excuse me. I'm looking for Emily Young." The look on his face turned deadly almost as if he wanted to kill me.

"Who are you? What do you want?"

"I'm sorry, sir. I'm here on behalf of Isabella Swan." I couldn't describe the shock that crossed his face. However, as soon as it came, it was gone and now there was pain in his eyes.

His voice was still hard when he spoke but it sounded like he was trying to choke down his emotion. "I don't know who you're talking about. I don't know anyone named…Isabella."

I heard a crash behind him and as he turned, I saw a woman standing in the far doorway. She had her hands over her face and, even from here I could see the tears in her eyes. Even though it may have endangered my health, I spoke directly to her.

"Ma'am, please, I need to find Emily Young. Isabella's life depends on it."

She looked at the man blocking the door and then back to me. "Sam, please let him in."

"Em?" He looked questioningly at her but her hard look made him drop his shoulders in resignation.

The man, Sam, stepped back and allowed me to enter. I took two steps into the room and she took two hesitant steps in my direction. I gasped when I saw her face and I knew right then and there that if James were still alive, I would have killed him myself.

* * *

**Thanks so much for reading. Let me know what you think, the good and the bad is always appreciated.**

**I also want to take the time to give a couple of quick recs of some great stories I'm reading.**

**The first is a new story: Sexy Silk by jlho**

**Meet arrogant Hollywood playboy, Edward, as he encounters a young, mouthy, celebrity hating Bella on the night he is to attend the Golden Globes. There's teasing, taunting and a whole lot of sexiness going on but what happens after that night? Read this awesome story to find out.**

**The second story has owned me from chapter one: Miror Quaenam Sis Tam Bella by MeraNaamJoker**

**An unusual but very sensual pairing between Bella and the bad boy himself, Paul, as he saves her from jumping off the cliff that fateful day in La Push. The two find themselves falling into unknown territory but will they figure out how to deal with their new relationship before others get hurt. Run…don't walk to read this amazing story to see how their lives unfold. You won't be sorry.**

**And finally, I can't forget my boys: Eye Candy by Whitlock-Masen**

**Candy shop owner, Jasper, keeps his feelings guarded until his new employee, Edward, brings him out of his shell. Will the obvious attraction felt on both sides be enough for Jasper to reach out and take the man right in front of him? This story updates daily and each chapter will have you begging for the next.**


	9. Holidays In Hell

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

Thanks as always to Loulabelle for all of the input and great titles and for not hunting me down and killing me for this chapter. I love you, babe.

Huge thanks to AgoodWITCH for the awesome beta work and giving me great advice in my never ending battle with the evil comma. You are the best ever, love.

I can't forget all my WC girls for all the encouragement. Ladies, you are the best. Love ya tons.

* * *

**Chapter 9 – Holidays In Hell**

**BPOV**

**December 25, 2009**

_My hands covered my mouth to keep my heavy breaths from making a sound. I was in a new hiding place today, hoping he would just give up if it took too long to find me. _

"_Bella!" His yelling was getting louder. "I am not playing this game with you!"_

_I heard a door slam as he checked another room._

"_You're not making this any better, Bella!"_

_Another door slammed down the hall from the room I was in. I pulled my body tighter together and prayed he wouldn't see me. I heard the door fly open and crash into the wall behind it._

_I jumped._

_He heard._

"_Ah babe," his voice was soft and deceptively loving, "haven't you learned…I will always find you."_

_The chair that served as my protection was flipped over and I fell backwards._

My body hitting the concrete floor woke me up. It was still dark out and I was knew was in the early hours of the morning, but I wasn't sure of the exact time. I hadn't gotten a decent night's sleep since that asshole brought up Christmas. It was just another in a long list of days that I fought so hard to forget.

The only memories I had left of Christmas were burned into my mind and I realized it was another thing that James took away from me. Christmas was supposed to be full of love, happiness and family but I had no family and I had no friends. What I did have was the memory of punches and kicks, bruises and broken bones and one trip to the hospital.

"Are you okay?" The deep voice outside my cell door scared me.

I looked and saw Guard Mendez who took over the block when Whitlock left for the day. He was a hard ass like all the guards and a little quick tempered but, in the times he looked in on me at night, he seemed like a decent guy. His voice brought me fully out of the dream and I felt the tears on my face.

"Fucking perfect."

"Yeah sounds like it." He let out a quiet laugh. "Everyone's sleeping; no one can hear you, so why don't you tell me what's really wrong. No one should cry on Christmas."

"What time is it?"

"Just after 2am. What's got you worked up this time?"

He was the only guard who acted like a real person or showed me any sympathy; not like I asked for it, but it was nice to have. In the beginning, he treated me like every other prisoner here, but about a month after my asshole lawyer showed up, he would stop and talk to me on nights that the dreams got really bad. I sat down on the floor, leaning my shoulder on the bars where he was standing and he sat on the floor, facing me.

"I hate Christmas."

"Why?" His low voice held concern.

I looked at him and rolled my eyes. "Paul, you know I'm not supposed to talk about my case."

"I know that you're not supposed to know my real name either, but you haven't heard me say anything." He laughed again.

I pushed on his arm. "That was your fault." I laughed with him. "You gave it to me, remember; I didn't ask."

"I know that but, whether you believe it or not, I don't believe what they've said about you on TV and I can imagine how hard it is for you to trust someone after what you've been through." His face turned serious. "You can trust me, Bella. We are friends, right?"

The bond Paul and I formed over the past couple of months was easy and relaxed. He reminded me of Jacob in a way, making it easy to think of him as a friend. He and I both knew it would cause major problems for him if anyone ever found out, so it was rare that we could have these conversations.

"I had a dream about my last Christmas with James."

He grabbed my hand through the bars and held it. It was nice to have this connection with someone again. I couldn't have Jacob or Sam so it felt good to have someone that could take their place and keep me sane.

"It was that bad?"

I nodded and the tears spilled over again. I dropped my eyes before telling him where I spent that Christmas.

"It was the last time he put me in the hospital. I didn't wake up for two days that time."

"Oh God, Bella."

He had both hands covering mine now and the heat warmed me as my body went cold with the memory. We sat there for a few minutes and the silence was perfect. He didn't push me to talk, he didn't ask endless questions and he didn't force me to relive bad memories. It was one of the reasons I liked Paul so much; all he did was listen. It was exactly what Sam or Jacob would have done. I was so lost without my friends and I prayed that, in this hell I'd been living in, I found another one.

"I can tell you the truth right?"

"Of course, I would never tell, Bella." He reached in and lifted my chin so I was looking at him. "I promise you."

I searched his eyes for any indication of a lie, but I couldn't find anything that would make me distrust him. "When I woke up, I had asked the nurse if any of my friends had come to see me. She said that she had been instructed by 'my husband' to not let anyone in to see me." I was crying harder now. "He cut me off completely from the only people who loved me. I laid alone in that room for hours, and it was in that room that I first thought of…"

I couldn't finish but I didn't have to. Paul finished for me.

"Killing him?"

"God Paul, I'm such an awful person. How could I?"

I couldn't hold it together anymore and the sobs took over, causing me to lean over and hold myself in a tight ball. In the next second, panic filled me and I snapped my head up to meet his eyes.

"Oh God, I shouldn't have told you that." My hand covered my mouth and I was gasping for air. "Y-you c-c-can't keep something like that a s-secret. You're… you're gonna have to t-t-t-tell and I'm gonna…"

There was no more air and my lungs were aching.

"No Bella stop. Stop." His hand squeezed mine as his other hand went to my cheek. "I won't. I promise you I won't."

"I-I… y-you'll get into trouble." I could do this to him. I couldn't let him be hurt because of me too.

"Don't worry about me, Bella. I told you, I don't believe what they say." He looked at me and his eyes begged me to believe him. "You are an amazingly strong woman, Bella. You were forced to defend yourself and your lawyer is going to make everyone believe that. You're not a bad person and you _will _walk out of here when your trial is over."

"Fuck my lawyer. He started this." Just the mention of my lawyer cleared my head and I was able to gain a little control over the tears. "If he would have kept his mouth shut that fucked up day wouldn't have even entered my mind."

"Bella, he's supposed to be helping you and I heard things had been going better. What did he do that upset you so much?"

"He left me. He wished me a merry fucking Christmas and then he left me; left me to deal with this shit all alone."

He laughed again and it only pissed me off more, so I ripped my hand away and pushed his shoulder away from the bars.

"Don't fucking laugh at me."

"I'm sorry. I don't really mean to laugh, but you're mad at him for telling you Merry Christmas." His tone turned the sentence into a question.

"I hate Christmas."

"Does he know that?" I shook my head. "Then give him a break, Bella. It's a normal thing to say and he was sorry he was going to miss it. He's a good man, Bella, and he's fighting hard for you. You need to trust him and give him a chance to help you." He smiled. "Besides, he didn't leave you alone, Bella. You got me."

"You're sure?" I was still worried about letting him in. "You're sure I can trust him."

"Give him a chance, you'll see." He flashed a smile and winked at me.

"Fine." I rolled my eyes. "One chance…that's all he gets. Now you get back to your rounds before I get you into trouble."

"There's my tough girl." A small laugh escaped again. "I'll check on you again later. Try to sleep, Bella. You need it."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

The morning siren blared in my ears, waking me up. My head was foggy and my eyes were swollen from another night full of tears. I must have fallen asleep pretty fast, because I didn't see Paul again. I was sure he checked on me like he said he would, but when he saw me sleeping, he kept right on walking. Even though it wasn't a lot, my time with Paul always made me feel better. I couldn't explain what it was about him that made things so easy, but I was able to open up more and get things off my chest. Maybe it was the fact that I could talk without the worry of being judged or hounded for information. He just let me talk while offering a bit of insight and advice.

His advice last night though was going to take some work. I knew my lawyer was trying to help me, but I still hated him for making me relive everything I left behind. I accepted the fact that I was going to sit in this cell for the rest of my life, but he felt the need to play savior and the only way he could do it was to make me talk.

_I hope Paul is right._

"Keep your mouth shut." The growling voice behind me made me jump.

I must have been completely lost in thought and moved automatically through my morning because I was sitting at my normal table with my breakfast tray in front of me and I don't remember even leaving my cell.

"What?" I was confused.

I spun around to see Whitlock standing behind me and I could see the tension in his neck as his jaw clenched. It took me a minute for his words to register but, as soon as they did, I knew by the look on his face that my thoughts about Paul unintentionally escaped my lips.

"I said, keep your mouth shut." He spoke through his teeth, barely moving his lips like he didn't want anyone to see him talking to me.

I turned to face forward again and did a quick sweep of the room to see if anyone caught the exchange and sure enough, Victoria's little blonde bitch was staring right at me. She tapped Victoria on the arm to get her attention, pointed at me and leaned in to whisper in her ear. Victoria's smile was evil as her glare focused on me. She nodded her head and her lips moved before her girlfriend pulled back from her ear. She just wouldn't let up.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_The slap across my right cheek stung and made my eyes water._

"_Where were you today?" _

_James was on one knee next to me with his other foot planted on the other side of me and he was holding me off the floor by my shirt. My hands were on his chest trying to push away but it was no use._

"_I asked you a fucking question and I better get an answer!"_

_I felt the spit hit my face as he spoke. I couldn't answer him, it would be worse if I did. My back hit the ground a second before my head and the force caused me to lose focus for a second. I didn't feel the next hit through the pain but I tasted the blood as it seeped into my mouth from my split lip._

_The shadow of his body was gone and I rolled over to my side. Tears were falling but I couldn't cry out no matter how much it hurt because that always made it worse. I realized it wasn't my smartest move as soon as his foot landed in my stomach._

"_You think I'm stupid! You think I don't know you went to Jacob's house!"_

_The second kick knocked me onto my back._

"_You think I don't know the two of you waited for his girlfriend to leave so you could be alone!"_

_The third kick hit my side and I heard the familiar crack as my ribs broke._

"_Brother my ass! You're probably fucking him too, aren't you, you cheap fucking whore?"_

"_Stop…please." I begged in a whisper. I had no air to scream._

"Please stop…please." I woke from the dream to a real beating as more than one kick hit me. Tears rolled down my face and I heard them laughing.

"Not so tough now, are you, bitch?"

My mind was instantly brought back to the present as I heard Victoria's voice above me. One foot landed on my chest as a fist hit my face and it felt like my eye exploded. Two more punches and another kick hit my body before they were wrestled away from me. Newton and Crowley had them pinned to the wall as Whitlock hovered over me.

"Get them the fuck out of here now!" He yelled.

Victoria was out the door first but Jane kicked me again on her way out, making contact with one of my legs. I couldn't move without my body hurting, but I tried to get up despite the pain.

"That's the second time today you got caught not paying attention." He helped me up onto the bed.

"What?" My head hadn't completely cleared yet.

"First, you were walking around at breakfast with a dazed look in your eyes, talking about Mendez. You need to watch what you say around here. If anyone, and I _mean_ anyone, hears you talking about him like that, it's over for him."

"No, not Paul. I don't want…" My words came out slowly and he cut me off.

"Jesus, what did I just say? Shut your damn mouth!" He was angry and trying unsuccessfully to keep his voice at a whisper. "And it's not just with him. You need to stop making stupid decisions. How could you leave yourself unguarded when you know she is ready to come after you any chance she gets? Are you waiting for her to kill you or something?"

I couldn't answer. My head hurt and his voice wasn't making it any better.

"You're lucky I saw them coming in here." His fingers touched my cheek and he was whispering again. "How many more blows to the head do you think you can take before you're done?"

I tried to answer but my words were so slurred that even I couldn't understand them. My head was pounding, my eyes wouldn't open all the way, I was dizzy and little white spots were clouding my vision. I saw his eyes grow wider, he snapped his fingers in front of my face a couple times and I saw his lips move but there was no sound anymore and then…darkness.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**December 28, 2009**

After Victoria's latest attack, I ended up with a mild concussion, bruised ribs and a hairline fracture to my cheekbone. I spent the weekend under observation in the infirmary and was released back to my cell Monday morning after breakfast. Because of the medication I was given, I was able to sleep without the dreams; a welcomed change after last week. I was more rested than I had been in months, which was good because he was due back today and I knew he was going to drain every ounce of energy out of me.

I sat on my bed with my back resting against the wall and my book in my hands. Per doctor's orders, I wasn't allowed in the yard or on work detail for two more days, so I was going to spend my time either reading or writing down the important things I needed to share. It was another great piece of advice Paul had given me so I wouldn't be hit so hard with the emotions when it came time to talk about certain things. It made sense and I was definitely going to need it soon.

Four hours later, Whitlock was at the foot of my bed putting the cuffs around my wrists as he prepared me for the walk to the conference room. I wasn't ready for this, not just for the things I was going to have to tell him today but also for the reaction I was going to get when he looked at me. I was still pretty bruised and the swelling in my cheek had lessened a bit, but I still looked awful.

I knew what was going to happen as soon as I walked in that room. He was going to be on me in a second with his sad eyes, soft touches to my cheek and I could almost bet that he wasn't going to let go of my hand all afternoon. The feelings I saw in his eyes now were unmistakable and, unfortunately, completely unhealthy. He seemed like a nice man but people in my world got hurt and for that reason I tried so hard to keep from feeling anything in his presence. But, as much as I hated it and fought against every advance he made, I was getting used to the touches and hand holding that had gone on between us last week.

I stopped about five feet from the door and took one final deep breath, mentally preparing myself for the sympathy he was going to smother me with. One second was all I was allowed as Whitlock pulled on my arm to get me to move.

"He already knows."

"What?" He caught me off guard because he never spoke to me.

"I said he knows."

"Knows what?"

"About your fight. He was told as soon as he got back."

"Who told him?"

No answer. Apparently Whitlock was done talking. He stepped to the door, unlocked it and swung it open. I saw him sitting at the table writing furiously on his notepad, ignoring us completely. I couldn't take my eyes off of him as I walked in and went to my chair. I saw the tension in his hunched shoulders and I saw the hand in his hair clenched with such force that he was lucky not to have pulled out every strand locked in his grasp. This was a far cry from what I expected to see and the tension in the room was enough to suffocate me.

I sat down and Whitlock and I went along with our normal routine, as he released my wrists from the handcuffs. He took a step back and looked from me to the man who seemed oblivious to our presence and shook his head before exiting the room. I sat as still as I could and waited for him to speak.

Without a watch and no clock in this room, I couldn't tell how much time had passed. I was sure I'd only been sitting here ten minutes but it felt more like an hour. He had no reason to be angry and his whole mood was testing my patience. The scratching sound of his pen on the paper grated on my nerves and his silence was fueling my temper. Time dragged and still no words. I didn't know how much longer he expected me to sit here and deal with his bullshit, but I was about done.

"Fuck this. I'm outta here."

He didn't move as I got out of my chair. I was in front of the door, just about to knock, when he finally spoke.

"What the hell were you thinking?" His voice was quiet but I could hear the anger in it.

"Me?" Was he serious? He was trying to turn this around on _me_?

"Yes, you." He slammed his pen down on the notepad and, this time, he was the one to knock the chair over when he stood. "How many times do I have to tell you to be careful before you listen?"

"You're blaming me for this shit?" I was shocked. "Are you out of your fucking mind? What exactly do you think I've been doing around here, huh? You think I'm dangling my ass in front of her, begging for her to attack me every day?"

"You sure as hell aren't doing anything to stop it! You're leaving yourself wide open for anyone to…"

"Fuck you! This…" I motioned to my face, "is your fucking fault."

He cringed like I slapped him but it didn't take away from his anger.

"My fault? How the hell are you going to try to pin this on me? I wasn't even here."

We had each been taking steps toward each other during our argument and he wasn't even a foot away from me now.

"That's right. You weren't fucking here. You left me, remember? You left me to deal with this shit all alone. Now back the fuck off of me!"

I tried to push him away from me but he caught my wrists, holding my arms to his chest.

"What exactly did I leave you to deal with? You were fine when I left."

I tried so hard not to laugh in his face when his last statement left his mouth.

"You think I'm fine? Really?" The yelling didn't stop. "You bring up one of the worst memories of my life and you think I'm fucking fine!"

He released my wrists.

"What are you talking about? I didn't bring up anything when I left."

"Really? You wanna try that lie again, Counselor!" I walked to the table and grabbed his briefcase. "You have all of my files in here, right?"

I pulled out every file he had and fanned them out on the table, looking for the one I wanted. When I found the one with the correct date, I threw it at him.

"Merry fucking Christmas, Bella." I threw his words back at him. "_That_ is what my last Christmas looked like and I've spent the last five fucking days reliving every single detail over and over again. And where the fuck were you? Where were you when I needed you, huh?"

The crack in my voice betrayed me as the hold on my anger started to break and if I didn't get out of the room, I was going to break down again. I hurried past him and pounded on the door before he could stop me.

"Take me back. I'm done here!" I screamed for Whitlock to hear me.

I jumped back a couple of steps when a knock hit the door from the other side and Whitlock's voice came through. "Quiet down in there."

Hell no! That son of a bitch was not going to leave me here. I started hitting the door and screaming Whitlock's name trying to get him to take me back. After the first five hits, my hand was starting to hurt but the real pain was in my chest as I was gasping for breath.

"Bella, stop. Please, just stop." His voice was almost back to normal now as he begged.

I turned to take my anger out on him but I didn't expect him to be that close to me. My raised fist ended up on his back as he had me in his arms again. I fought against him, but he wouldn't let me go. When my bruised ribs wouldn't allow me to breathe anymore, my arms fell to my side and I gave up. It was only then that I heard his voice and realized he had been talking to me.

"…didn't mean it. Breathe, Bella. I'm sorry. Please, calm down and breathe. I'm so sorry."

My arms went around his shoulders and the tears I'd fought to hold in for the past five days started to flow. He changed his grip as his arms moved to hold my waist, which was good because the added pressure to my lungs was too much. I worked to calm my breathing so I could speak.

"I hate you." I whispered.

"I'm sorry." He whispered back. "I had to go."

"This is too hard." I pressed my head into his chest. "I don't want to remember."

"I'm sorry it hurts." His hand moved in circles on my back. "I'm here for you, Bella."

"Until you leave me again."

"No, I won't leave you." He pulled away now that my breathing had gone back to normal. "Come and sit down."

I sat in my chair and he picked up his so he could sit across from me again. He looked me right in the eye and spoke, "I had to go this time because I was meeting with some witnesses, but I was able to meet with everyone I needed to and I won't have to leave again."

He took a breath, probably to calm himself down too.

"I am sorry, Bella, for even bringing up Chr…"

I held up a hand to stop him from even saying the word.

"Just stop talking. Holidays were always my worst days with him, even in the beginning."

"All of them?" He looked surprised.

"Yeah. Some were definitely worse than others but, in the year and a half that we were together, I can honestly think of only one that he didn't lay a hand on me."

I shuddered and got chills down my back just thinking about it.

"I was safe for two reasons that day. One…he hadn't quite pulled me in all the way yet. I was still living in my own house. And two… I had to be presentable that day."

"Presentable? And that means…?" His question trailed off.

"It was the day he took me to meet his parents."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_**November 24, 2005**_

_The size of the house intimidated me. I would swear you could fit my entire three bedroom house into just one of these rooms. I stood in awe with my mouth hanging open as I surveyed the vast space around me. The foyer was pure white with the only color coming from the few flower bouquets that decorated the tables on each side of a grand staircase. The room to my left looked like a small library with dark wooden shelves filled with books lining the walls and to my right was a formal sitting room. It was one of those rooms that was only used for show, because no one ever used it unless they were trying to impress their guests._

_As I continued my visual exploration, my eyes landed on a statuesque blonde woman walking toward us with a bright smile on her face and I instinctually took a step behind him. Her outstretched arms encircled James as his arms wrapped around her. Her eyes closed as she leaned into the embrace._

_"James, I'm so glad you were able to come home."_

_"I am too. I've missed you, mother."_

_Her eyes opened, landing on me and she let him go. "Well, who is this?"_

_She looked me up and down and I could feel her disapproval. I was immediately self-conscious. I shifted back and forth from one foot to the other suddenly unable to stand still. James grabbed my hand and the feel of it calmed me some, but not quite enough to feel comfortable. I didn't belong here. I knew it, and by the look on her face, she knew it too._

_"Mother, this is Bella Swan. Bella, this is my mother, Savanah Denton."_

_I wanted to extend my hand to her but I was unsure of how to behave in her presence. I didn't get the chance to find out though. She simply nodded her head, repeated my name and turned her back on me to speak to her son._

_She led him down the hall, leaving me standing in the foyer alone. I decided to follow, just not too close, to the room in the back that they used as a family room. It wasn't quite as formal as the sitting room, but it was so much nicer than my house. The black leather furniture stood out against the pure white carpet, there were a few pieces of artwork hanging on the walls but not enough to make the space look cluttered, and the electronics in this room were all top of the line; they just screamed 'expensive'._

_I turned to a small voice behind me. "Wine, Miss?" A server stood behind me with a shy smile on her face._

_I smiled back. "Thank you." I raised my eyebrow in question._

_"Angela," she whispered and threw a worried glance at James and his mother hoping she didn't get caught speaking to me._

_"It's okay. I understand," I whispered back as quietly as I could so I didn't get this poor girl into trouble. I winked at her and she gave me another smile before moving further into the room to where James and his mother were standing._

_I walked to the picture window along the back wall and took in the view. It was a beautiful view of their private lake with snow covered trees all around and the snowcapped mountains in the background. I loved the mountains in the winter; there was no other sight in the world like the natural beauty surrounding me now._

_I felt a sense of peace come over me standing their staring out that window and that peace was magnified a hundred times when I felt two strong arms wrap around me. James leaned in and kissed my cheek and lifted his head to rest against mine as we checked out the view together._

_"It's beautiful, isn't it?" His voice was soft, only enhancing the beauty of the moment._

_"It's amazing. I can't imagine growing up out here and being able to see this anytime I wanted." I twisted in his arms and placed a kiss of my own to his cheek. "You have no idea how much I envy you sometimes."_

_He smiled at me but kept quiet and leaned in to kiss my forehead. "Come on, babe. I want you to meet my father."_

_I nodded my head and he led me into the dining room where his father and mother were both waiting. When I walked in, Angela was bringing more wine into the room. I stopped in my tracks as I watched his father, an extremely handsome older version of James, lean in and whisper in Angela's ear while his hand ran down and curved around her butt. I couldn't believe it as my eyes shifted to his wife standing two feet away pretending not to notice. A small pull on my arm got my feet moving again as he led me to where his parents were standing._

_"Father, it's good to see you again. I hope you enjoyed your trip." He shook the man's hand like they were acquaintances instead of father and son._

_"It was a very productive trip. Definitely worth the time away."_

_There was something about this man that just made me cringe. His whole attitude gave me the chills. Just then, he looked past his son to me, his eyes traveled up and down my body and I felt like he wanted to attack me or something. He made me nervous and I just wanted to turn and run. James noticed his stare and moved to introduce us._

_"Father, I would like you to meet Bella Swan. Bella, this is my father, Jonathan."_

_"Bella, such a lovely girl." He reached out grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him. His other hand joined the first and they were caressing my hand and arm. I wanted so much to pull away but I knew with every fiber of my being that offending this man wouldn't be in my best interests._

_We had been here for a couple of hours and I had grown more uncomfortable as the night went on. His mother looked down on me all during dinner. Everything I said was met with an eye roll and her reaction when she found out that I was a teacher was nothing short of disgusted. Her exact words were, "Please, can you even make a living doing that?" Every second spent under her scrutiny had me feeling like a ten year old being told I wasn't good enough._

_As awful as she was to me, it was nothing compared to the way James and his father made me feel. When we sat down for dinner, I was put in between the two men. I didn't think anything of it at first but then, ten minutes into the meal, I felt his father's hand rest on my bare knee. I jumped at his touch and looked in his direction. His fingers made one circular motion and then disappeared._

_In complete shock, I looked over at James and he had a smirk on his face that told me he knew what just happened. I knew then that I was put in this seat on purpose, almost as if I was his offering to his father. I looked at his mother, but again, she was acting like she saw nothing. I was on my own here and the queasiness in my stomach had me on the verge of being sick. I couldn't eat anymore, but on James' insistence, I had to keep putting food into my mouth._

_After dinner, the advances got bolder every time James left the room, which was more often than I cared for. I couldn't stay in the same room with him anymore and I made my exit onto the balcony overlooking the lake. It was freezing, but I didn't care. I just had to get out of that room. I heard the door open and close behind me but I was afraid to look and see who was with me now._

_"Bella, is everything okay?" His innocent voice disgusted me more than anything._

_"James, I'm sorry. I know you're happy to see your parents again but I can't stay. P-please get m-me out of here." My stuttered words came from both my frazzled nerves and the cold._

_"Babe, we haven't been here that long and I haven't seen my parents in a year. It won't hurt for you to be here a little longer." His voice was harder now and I heard the warning._

_"James, please I…"_

_"Shhh Bella, it's okay. We'll leave soon, baby. I promise." He reached his hand out and gently brushed his fingers through my hair until he reached the middle of my back to pull me closer to him. "Baby, I love you so much and I want my parents to know how much I love you." He placed small kisses from my temple down to my ear. His whispered words sent chills down my spine that had nothing to do with the cold. "Will you please stay with me for a little while longer? I swear to you that I will take you home soon and show you just how much I love you."_

_My body was instantly worked up as he kissed my neck and rubbed small circles on my back. He always knew how to make my insides melt and with the feelings coursing through me now, I would do anything he asked. I could handle his parents for a little while longer and I knew how much it meant for him to be here. I would do anything to make him happy._

_"I love you, James. I'll stay for you."_

_His thank you was barely past his lips when I was pulled into a passionate kiss. My head was swimming from the lack of oxygen caused by our connection but I didn't care. I could endure just about anything as long as he kept kissing me like this. He ended our kiss and rested his forehead against mine while we both caught our breath._

_His hands trailed down my arms and they were so cold against his warm hands. "Baby, you're freezing. Let's get you inside and warm you up."_

_His soft lips touched my nose as he wrapped his arm around me and led me back inside to stand by the fire where we stayed side by side for the rest of the night._

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

"James and I didn't see much of each other for two weeks after Thanksgiving. I didn't want to say I was avoiding him, but I was still a little upset about everything that happened that night. I would never bring it up to him because I didn't want to make him angry or have him think I was accusing his father of anything inappropriate. I knew he wasn't responsible for his father's behavior but he didn't seem to care about what was going on or do anything to stop it so, in my mind he was partially at fault."

"You didn't confront him at all?" he questioned.

"No I couldn't. I wouldn't have even have known where to start."

"So you just let him get away with that?" His eyes narrowed and I heard the anger in his voice.

His anger sparked my own and I was yelling again. "I was thrust into a fucked up situation with no way of knowing how to handle it. It's not like I had fifty year old men putting their hands on me on a daily basis."

He mumbled something to himself and that pissed me off. He exhaled and rubbed his hand over his face before putting his head down to write in that damn notebook of his. I hated that thing because he could say anything about me in there and I would never know what it said. Well I wasn't having it this time. I was out of my seat and swinging at that notebook to get it out of his hands. He looked back at me in shock after the damn thing hit the wall.

"What are you…?" I cut him off before he could finish.

"Since you seem to know so much, tell me, counselor, if you were me how would you have told him that his father was a fucking pervert who couldn't keep his hands off me all night long?"

I had walked around to his side of the table and was hovering over him, waiting for a response that didn't come. Out of frustration, I pushed him and he almost fell out of his chair.

"That's what I thought. You can't answer the fucking question now, so what the hell makes you think I could have figured out how to handle things back then."

I turned my back on him for a split second but that was all it took for him to jump from his chair, spin me around and pin my back to the wall. No matter how hard I tried, struggling against him was useless since he had my wrists pinned near my waist and his legs were just inside of mine, making it impossible to even kick at him to get him away from me.

"Bella, stop." His face was inches from mine. "I don't know what your problem is or why you're pissed off this time but you can't keep taking it out on me." His voice was calm as he held me. "I don't want to fight with you anymore."

His eyes bore deep into mine with such intensity that I forgot why I was angry with him in the first place. He leaned in a little closer and I could feel every breath as it blew across my lips.

"Bella," his voice was a whisper now. "I'm sorry, but you have no idea how much hearing about your past affects me."

"Why does it matter to you?" I didn't notice my ragged breathing until I tried to speak.

He let go of my wrists and placed his hands on the wall, not allowing me to move. As impossible as I thought it was, he moved closer.

"Bella, I…"

Three loud knocks on the door stopped him from finishing his sentence. After a few seconds of hesitation, he pushed away from the wall and turned his back on me.

"Time's up."

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**Thanks for reading and I do apologize if some of this was hard to read but Bella had a bad life and I can't tell her story without some days getting tough. **

I also want to take the time to give a couple of quick recs of some great stories I'm reading.

**The first is a new story: Forbidden Attraction by SunshineGal3 **http:/www. Fanfiction. net/s/6534990/1/

At 18, Bella Swan has the world at her fingertips. She has the perfect boyfriend, amazing friends, and a scholarship to her first choice college. Everything she thinks she knows about life will be challenged when an older man comes into her world. This is a good story…check it out.

**The second story: Between Love and Honor by KaitieBatie **http:/www. fanfiction. net/s/6639391/1/

A murder has been committed and it is up to Jasper to find the killer. But, when confronted with the facts, could Jasper choose between love and honor? The chapters in this story are short but so gripping that you wish there was more. You will not be sorry for checking this one out.

**And finally, I can't forget my boys: McFearless by TeamBella23 **http:/www. fanfiction. net/s/6228283/1/

Best friends, Edward and Jasper, spend one crazy and very drunk night together and in the process, unlock a desire that neither one knew they had. Run as fast as you can to read this story. You will never look at socks the same again. Trust me.


	10. The Choices We Make

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

Thanks as always to Loulabelle and AgoodWITCH, my most awesome pre-reader and beta. I love you two so very much. I can't forget all my WC girls for all the encouragement. Ladies, you are the best. Love ya tons.

**A/N:****I just want to say that I am so very sorry for the long delay between chapters. I will do everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen again.**

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Chapter 10 – The Choices We Make

December 28, 2009

I heard the heavy footsteps on the concrete floor, so I did a quick check to make sure it was him. I was happier than I should have been when I saw Paul's reflection getting closer. I leaned over to put the mirror on my bed before sliding my hand through the bars where he would see. This was how I let him know that I needed to talk, without actually speaking. If he could, he would stop but if not, he would make two quick taps on the railing so I knew he was unable to talk.

I pulled my hand back in when I heard the two quick taps and watched him walk past me seconds later. Not knowing how long it would take him to come back or if he was even able, I silently moved back to my bed to wait. I had filled several pages of my journal with the things that had happened in my meeting today and I needed to talk about it. Since Paul was the only friend I had, I needed him right now.

I was trying desperately to stay awake, but losing the battle as the night wore on. I didn't think I was going to be able to hold out much longer, but I was rewarded for my patience when I heard his quiet voice.

"I've missed you the last few nights."

Allowing myself to smile at the sound, I breathed a sigh of relief as I hurried out of bed to sit next to the bars so we could talk.

"Whitlock told me what happened. I'm so sorry, Bella. I wish there was something we could do."

"It's okay. Don't worry about it. Believe me, I was prepared for what my life would be like here. I hoped that if I could keep to myself, things like that wouldn't happen, but I knew there was always the possibility. I just have to be more careful from now on."

He reached through the bars and grabbed my hand, the warmth of his touched felt good. I missed it after the last time he was here.

"I wanted to see you just to make sure you were okay but I knew that would raise too many eyebrows in this place. I couldn't even ask questions to find out what happened after they took you away." His eyes dropped and a guilty expression crossed his face. "I'm not doing so well in the friend department, am I?"

That brought a tear to my eye. It had been more than a year now since I had someone around to care about me so much. I liked having a friend again. Until that first conversation with Paul, I hadn't realized how much I needed the connection with someone after being alone for so long. I guarded myself so thoroughly that no one got through but he was different, and I wanted him in my life.

"No, you're a great friend and I know if you could have, you would have been right there next to me, making sure I was okay. I also know that nothing would really happen to _me_ if someone ever found out about us, but _your_ life would be ruined." I reached out and lifted his chin so he would look at me. "I've wrecked so many lives already, Paul, and I refuse to let you ruin yours because of me." I smiled at him. "I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. Promise me you won't do anything that would put your career and your life in jeopardy because of me."

With a smile, he said, "I know I have to be careful and I'm going to do just that because I don't want to leave you alone here, but you have to promise me something too. You have to be more careful. Whitlock told me how you were zoning out all day, not paying attention to the other women around here. That's a dangerous game you're playing with your life, Bella."

"I know but that day was hard for me, harder than most to keep the memories away. If he wouldn't have…no, I'm not going to blame him anymore. It's not his fault that I lived the life I did or ended up here."

I paused for a second but it was enough for Paul to ask the one question I wanted to talk about.

"Why the sudden change of heart? The last time we could talk, you were ready to rip his head off and give up on him all together. What changed in three days, Bella?"

"Try a single afternoon," I mumbled.

"What?"

"I walked into that room today still hating him, but also expecting his normal concern and…I don't know...caring behavior," my voice rose in question, not sure if I was using the right words. "But that didn't happen. He was pissed, blaming me for the whole thing and you know me." I rolled my eyes.

"How bad was the fight?" he asked, confident that there was one.

"It was pretty bad. I tried not to fight with him. You would have been proud of me because I even tried to get up and leave, but Whitlock wouldn't let me out of the room. Then, when the pressure in my ribs was too much and I couldn't breathe, he hugged me and went all _loving _on me until I was able to calm down and breathe again."

"And that bothers you?"

He looked me in the eye as he asked his question, looking like he wanted to say more. I nodded and he smiled.

"Having someone care about you isn't a bad thing, Bella."

"I know that and I can deal with the hand holding and the hugging that he seems to be so fond of doing lately. It was what happened after that, that's bothering me."

I sat quiet for a second, not sure of how much I wanted to tell him. He poked my knee to get my attention.

"Well, are you gonna tell me or should I start guessing 'cause I'm sure I could get pretty close."

"What does that mean?" His words made me curious.

"No way, Swan. I asked you first." He sounded like a kid and my mind flashed to Jacob. They were so much alike it was scary.

"Very mature, Paul." I rolled my eyes.

"Tell me."

I ignored the horrified expression on his face as I gave him the short, condensed version of what happened with James and his father so he could understand the argument it caused. I told Paul everything down to the way he had me pinned to the wall and how the intensity in his eyes held me captive, not allowing me to move. I told him that, no matter how close he came to me, it wasn't close enough for him. I told him that he claimed my life had some kind of affect on him, but when I asked why my life mattered his answer was cut off.

The vibration of Paul's cell phone cut me off before I had a chance to tell him how much I wanted to kill Whitlock right now for not letting us finish because I really wanted to know the answer to my question.

He pulled the phone out of his pocket and read the message. It was obviously amusing since he was trying to keep from laughing as he flipped it closed and put it away.

"How perfect is that," he mumbled.

"What's the smile for, Mendez? Your girlfriend telling you how much she loves you?" I used my girly voice and batted my eyelashes at him.

"Like I have one," he scoffed. "No, it's just funny that Whitlock interrupted your conversation this afternoon and he's doing it again by interrupting ours."

"Ugh, I could kill him. What is he even doing awake?"

"Nice choice of words, Swan," he teased and I cringed. "I better get moving anyway. No sense pushing our luck."

We both stood, knowing he'd been here long enough. He turned to face me and held his hand out to me again. "Bella, listen to me. In this situation, I can only go by what you tell me because I can't see the two of you together but from what I hear, it sounds to me like he's in love with you."

"Yeah right." I rolled my eyes.

"Seriously Bella, think about it. With as close as he was to you, what do you think would have happened if you had more time?"

I didn't speak as my mind went over the whole scene again, trying to see it from a different angle. He interrupted my thoughts.

"You can see it can't you? That man has fallen for you." I focused on Paul's face. "Who could blame him? You're amazing, Bella, and the sooner you see that, the better. I know I've said this before but I feel like I have to say it again; he's a good man…give him a chance." He squeezed my hand. "Now I have to go. Hopefully we can talk soon."

~..~..~..~..~..~

**December 29, 2009**

Sleep evaded me as Paul's words played over and over again in my mind. The morning passed without incident today. I was hoping Victoria and her little bitch were getting tired of sitting in solitary and would leave me alone, but I knew better. Today was their first day out and the look of vengeance on their faces at breakfast told me I had no such luck. My guard was up, ready for anything.

The storms were over but I still wasn't allowed out in the yard…doctor's orders. It would have been a nice change from the dull gray walls that I was staring at all day. Not only that, I loved to be outside just after the rain stopped, everything was fresh and the air smelled pure and clean again. I could picture myself sitting in the corner under a blue sky, gazing out at yet another wonder of God's creations; the wide-open space, so silent and undisturbed. The barren field never offered anything to look at, but the emptiness was somehow calming to me and I could use that today.

In a few hours I would be stuck in a room with a man who, according to Paul, was in love with me. I knew there were feelings there just by his actions and some of the looks he gave me across the table. But it wasn't until Paul put the idea in my head that he could love me that I really started to think about it.

Paul's question played in my mind. _What would have happened if we had more time? _I jumped out of bed and started pacing my cell. I almost gave myself whiplash from trying to shake that thought out of my head. I shouldn't even be thinking about this shit; there was no point. I was never getting out of here, end of fucking story and for him to be delusional enough to think he loved me was wrong. People around me got hurt; that was just the way life worked and I wasn't going to be responsible for ruining another life.

_What the fuck is your problem, Bella? You can't let that shit happen. Make him see that you're useless and falling for you is pointless. You can't let anyone else get hurt._

"Talk to yourself often?"

I spun around so fast that I lost my balance, causing me to run into the wall, gasping for breath from the shot to my ribs. Whitlock was in my cell trying to hold back his laughter. I wanted nothing more than to punch him in his smug face for the shit he pulled yesterday, but hitting a guard only did one thing…it got me thrown into solitary and I wasn't going back in there.

"What the fuck do you want?" I couldn't hit him, but he was going to know what I felt about him.

"It's time to go."

"Fuck you Whitlock." I stayed against the wall and crossed my arms. "Bring fucking Newton in here, I'm not going anywhere with you, you fucking asshole."

He stepped next to me and I turned my head away from him like a petulant child. I heard his laugh and felt his hand on my wrist and I instinctually tried to pull away. His grip tightened as I fought against him.

"Get the fuck off me!"

"You know you're not going to win, so just stop." His uncaring attitude pissed me off even more.

"Why would I go with you after what you did yesterday? At least Newton would have let me out of that room when I asked. No, you fucking held me there like some fucking prisoner or something."

"Swan, you are a prisoner, remember?" He laughed even harder as he forced my wrists into the handcuffs.

"You're an asshole."

He shrugged and led me out of my cell without another word. Silence followed us all the way to the meeting room, but just as he unlocked the door to let me in, he turned to me.

"Play nice today, Swan, or it's going to be a long two hours."

"You seriously are an asshole."

"You said that already."

He opened the door and walked me into the room, sitting me in the chair so he could take the cuffs off. His uncharacteristic whistling as he walked out of the room was his way of pissing me off even more and I couldn't hold back.

"Fuck you, Whitlock!" I screamed at the closed door.

I turned my head to see the surprised look on my lawyer's face as he looked from the door back to me.

"Bad day?"

"Kiss my ass, Counselor."

"I just wanted to make sure you're okay, that's all."

"I'm fucking perfect. Can't you tell?" Sarcasm dripped from my words.

"Bella, I…"

His sentence started exactly how it did yesterday and my eyes flashed to the door half expecting Whitlock to interrupt again. When I looked back, he was staring expectantly.

"Well?"

"Well, what?" I realized that I had missed what he said.

He smiled and wrote something in that damn notebook again.

"Don't you own a tape recorder or something? Wouldn't that be easier?" My irritation came out with every word.

"Yes and no. I use the tape recorder when I have to know exact words, but I find it easier to capture emotions on paper." He looked up. "Does this bother you, because I do have a recorder in my briefcase?"

Hell yeah it bothered me but I wasn't going to let him know that.

"What the fuck ever. What was your question?"

"I said I wanted to pick up right where we left off yesterday."

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously at him. "You do?"

The sharp intake of air stung a little, but I couldn't hide the question in my voice. I wanted to talk about that too. I was dying to know what he wanted to say yesterday. There was an immediate tension in the air and my hands actually started sweating with the nervous feeling coming over me.

"Yes, I do." He looked down at the notebook for a second before meeting my eyes again. "You said that you and James didn't see each other for the two weeks following the holiday."

I chuckled, while rolling my eyes and shaking my head. The case, of course he wanted to talk about the case. Fucking Paul got me all worked up for nothing. This man was clueless.

"Are you sure you're okay?" His concern broke down my tension and I felt myself relax now that the situation wasn't going to be awkward.

"Just rollin' with the punches." I laughed at my own joke.

"Very cute." He was all business today, obviously not amused. "I'm curious. Why didn't you try to get out of the relationship with James in those two weeks? What made you go back?"

"Why does anyone go back?" I shrugged. "I feel so stupid saying it now, but I loved him. I let him take me out on a date because I felt awful for taking my anger at his father out on him." I leaned over and rested my head on my hands as I spoke. "That date was the final nail in the coffin. He had me and after that night, he wasn't letting go."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**_December 9, 2005_**

_I wasn't in the mood for shopping, but James was taking me to another nice restaurant for dinner and he wanted me to have a new dress to go out in. My hands were shaking a little as I pulled the dress off the rack. I had never bought anything this expensive before but James wanted the best; he even told me what store to go to, to get it. _

"_You don't have to go, Bella." Emily put her hand on mine to steady it. "If you're this nervous about being around him, you should just cancel."_

_Emily had noticed that I pretended to be busy a few times over the past couple of weeks and she finally got me to sit down and talk to her about what happened during Thanksgiving. She backed me up the whole way and even took me out a couple of times to make my lies to James about being busy, true._

"_I don't want to cancel, but I don't know if I'm ready to see him again either." I blew a strand of hair out of my eyes. "The few times I have seen him, he's been so sweet and loving that I keep thinking I'm crazy. I don't know what's real anymore, and I feel like I have to give him the chance to show me. Did I tell you that, when he called me for this date, he almost begged me to accept? He even sounded like he was crying?"_

_Emily turned her attention back to the racks, looking through the selection._

"_I know he cares about you, Bella, but can you really forgive him for what happened?"_

"_I may be crazy, Em, but I want to try. He's been good to me and maybe it was just his father's influence that took over to make him act that way." I rubbed the back of my neck to massage away the tension that had been there for the past few hours. "He's been nothing but nice since then."_

"_So, you've made up your mind." It wasn't a question._

"_I think I have. I have to go even if it's just to get the truth." I started looking through the dresses again. "Besides, I miss him."_

"_Well then, let's find a dress that's going to blow him away." She smiled and winked at me as we continued shopping for the perfect dress._

_By 6:30pm I was standing in front of my mirror, staring at the brown-haired girl that looked nothing like me. In the past few months, Emily and Leah figured out exactly what James wanted me to look like when we went out, and they created that look tonight. I wanted to look my best for him as some sort of apology for all the cancelled dates these last couple of weeks. Lost in my reflection, I didn't realize Emily was in the room until her hands were on my shoulders._

"_God Bella, you're shaking like a leaf." She was in front of me now. "You can't go out like this. Honey, are you sure about this?"_

"_I'll be fine, Em. I'm just a little nervous. Things will get better once he gets here."_

_I gave her a fake smile that she recognized immediately. She pulled me into a hug and just held me for a minute, showing me her support. I took a step back once I felt the tears form in my eyes._

"_Quit making me cry or Leah's gonna kick your ass for messing up my make up."_

"_Emily, you better get your ass out of that room," Leah shouted from the front room. "If I have to fix even one eyelash…"_

_Our laughter drowned out the rest of her sentence, but I was sure there was a threat in there somewhere. I got myself together and we walked out to where Leah was waiting on the couch with a bottle and three shot glasses._

"_Come on, Bella. Sounds like you could use it."_

_I didn't drink the hard stuff very much, but I would have taken anything to calm my nerves before he showed up._

"_Alright, one couldn't hurt."_

_She poured a shot for each of us and we held them up, but before we could drink, Leah had something to say._

"_Bella, you deserve the best, so here's hoping that your man gets his shit together."_

_Our laughter filled the room just before we all took the shot. We talked for a bit while I waited for James to show up. I wasn't shaking nearly as bad as I had been before, so the shot must have worked. When the knock came twenty minutes later, I was ready._

_Dinner was awkward. I couldn't sit still, fidgeting through the whole meal. My eyes searched the room looking at anything to keep my focus off his face. There were fleeting glances, but I never looked at him for long. He asked me to dance several times but I told him I was tired so he would stop asking. This wasn't the way things should have been with us, but something just didn't feel right._

_After dinner, he took me to the park, which I thought was kind of odd since it was December but he said he had something to show me. He walked around to help me out of the car and held my hand as we walked down the path to one of the picnic tables. We got closer and I noticed the lights on the table._

_Candles were placed on the table in a heart shape with his two favorite flowers in the center. A bucket filled with ice and a bottle of champagne sat off to the side with two crystal glasses waiting to be filled. He must have had help to set this up because there was no way you could leave a set up like this without it being disturbed somehow._

_I was in shock, never expecting something like this. I looked up and finally saw his eyes. His smile was there, but it looked like it was forced. He obviously felt the tension of the night and was acting like things were okay. He sat me down at the table and kneeled in front of me. Panic shot through me at the thought of what was coming next._

"_Bella, I know things have been different between us for the past couple of weeks and I know I had a lot to do with that. But, babe, I miss you so much. I never realized how much a part of me you've become until you wouldn't see me anymore."_

_He took a deep breath and held my hands in one of his while pulling a box out of his pocket with the other. Suddenly there wasn't enough air and I felt like I couldn't breathe._

"_Bella, I love you so much and I want to have you with me forever." He let go of my hand to open the box. _

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

"He did what!" His angry voice interrupted my thoughts.

_So much for all business._

"He asked you to marry him! Are you fucking serious? After being such an asshole while his father…and you just…"

He was out of his chair, pacing the room and mumbling to himself. I watched him walk back and forth, not even paying attention to me anymore. He was completely lost in thought as I sat there, replaying the words Paul said to me last night.

"_It sounds to me like he's in love with you."_

Every look and touch over the past couple of weeks told me cared about me but…love. Love wasn't possible. How could you love someone you didn't really know? How could you love someone who had no real future? How could you love someone who could take another person's life without guilt? His hand hitting the table brought my attention back to him.

"Answer me, damn it!" He was fuming.

"I'm sorry. What?"

"God, you are so infuriating."

His hands rose like he wanted to strangle me, he spoke through his teeth and the vein on his forehead was back, as my inattention seemed to piss him off. He turned his back on me and I had that picture in my head again of him counting to ten before he turned back around with his hand on the table again. I wanted to laugh. I hadn't seen him this worked up in weeks and my sick little pleasure returned; I kind of missed pissing him off. The sound of his other hand coming down on the table made me jump as he leaned his body toward me.

"Tell me you told him no! Tell me, in a million years, you would never consider marrying a man like that!"

This time I couldn't stop it. The intensity in his face and voice mixed with the ridiculous idea of ever marrying James had me laughing hysterically.

"God damn it, Bella!"

He pushed himself away from the table so hard that it moved a good six inches in my direction. He was pacing again and I couldn't stop laughing. My arms wrapped around my chest as my aching ribs screamed at me to calm down. I labored through a few deep breaths and was wiping the tears from my eyes when he finally came back to the table.

"You couldn't have said yes. I'm not going to believe you let him off the hook like that. What did he think…one nice dinner and you're going to run straight to the church with him?"

"Jesus fucking Christ will you calm the fuck down already?" There was still amusement in my voice. "No, I didn't say I would marry him."

Embarrassment crossed his face as he uttered a small "oh" before sitting back down again. In a move that surprised even me, I grabbed his hand this time. His eyes moved to our joined hands for a second before they looked up to me, questioning my action.

"Now that you got that out of your system, can I finish?" He nodded. "He didn't ask me to marry him…not that night anyway. The box had a key in it. He wanted me to move in with him."

I squeezed his hand a bit and explained my decision before he blew up at me again.

"Knowing everything I do now, I know it was another majorly stupid fucking decision, but yelling about it now isn't going to change the facts."

"I'm sorry," he said as his other hand covered mine.

"He played his part well and I loved him then. Sure, what happened with his father was bad, but I did miss him and I didn't want to be without him. You honestly can't fault me for that."

"I know and I'm sorry. It's just hard to keep your two lives separate. I mean, yesterday you're throwing pictures of yourself in a hospital bed at me and today you're telling me about him getting down on one knee and…" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before continuing. "It's difficult sometimes to remember that you didn't know what he was like back then."

I huffed. "Tell me about it. I've gone crazy thinking about this stuff, constantly wondering what I missed or how I should have listened to my friends or even to…" I took my own calming breath now. "Never mind."

"What did your friends think when you told them you decided to move in with him?"

"They had mixed feelings about it. Jake, as you can imagine, blew his fucking lid. He screamed at me for hours, warning me about what a fucking mistake it was, asking how I could be so stupid, and telling me that he wasn't going to let me move." I shook my head at the memory. "He knew my attitude better than anyone and probably knew his words were making me more determined to go, but he tried anyway. The girls were sad to see me leave, but they were excited because I finally found someone who loved me so much."

I stopped as that day filled my mind.

"And Sam?" He asked.

"Sam was always the most level-headed out of all of them. He never yelled or got overly excited, no, he always made sure I thought things through completely before making decisions. I remember it being one of our warmer days, so he took me for a walk. He asked if I knew what I was getting myself into; I told him yes. He asked if it was something I truly wanted; I told him yes." I smiled, remembering Sam's words. "He told me 'Babe, you know I love you but'. They were the words that always meant he was going to let me figure it out on my own."

I paused and he studied my face.

"What was that look for?"

"What?" I asked.

"That look? You always make the same face when something didn't go the way you thought it should."

That threw me for a minute. I felt my eyes widen as I stared at him. There was no way he knew me well enough to know the faces I make. I didn't know how to process that information. What do you even say to that?

"Well…um…" I stammered. "I've always wondered what I would have done if Sam ever told me what he really thought of James. Jake told me all the time and I never really listened because he was playing the protective brother role, but Sam was my voice of reason. I listened to him and all of his advice. He never came out and told me whether I should or shouldn't do something; he let me make my mistakes." I sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"I wonder if my decision would have been different if he would have just said that he didn't trust James or that he didn't like him or I needed to stay until I got to know him better. He didn't say any of those things. He just let me go."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**December 12, 2005**

"_I hate to say goodbye, but it's time." Sam's arms were tight around me._

"_It's not goodbye, babe. We'll see each other in two weeks." I squeezed him tighter._

_Emily's voice came from my right side. "Bella, you call us if you ever need us. I don't care what time it is." She pulled me away from Sam to give me a hug of her own. "I love you."_

_Leah was there with the next hug. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you, girl."_

_Saying goodbye, even for a couple of weeks was hard, and I was crying after Leah let me go. I turned to Jake, who was holding his hand out to me. He jerked his head toward the house. "Come on. I'll walk with you."_

_Jake grabbed my hand and walked with me to the door. A few steps away he wrapped me in his arms and held on like he was never going to see me again._

"_I love you, Bells. I don't want to let you go like this, but you've always been hard headed."_

"_God, why are you all acting like you're never going to see me again."_

"_We're just going to miss you so much. It's hard to leave you in someone else's hands, knowing that he's not…"_

"_Jake, stop. I'm going to be okay. He loves me and he'll take care of me." Stepping back, I put a hand to his cheek. "Now go. It's getting late and you all have somewhere you have to be. I love you, little brother."_

_He kissed me on the forehead. "Love you too, sis."_

_I waved to my friends and walked in the house, closing the door behind me. I stood at the front door, looking around the house that I had been in countless times in the past six month. It was still the same house with everything in their proper places, only now my things were incorporated with his. A feeling of warmth flowed through my body as James walked up behind me, wrapping me in his arms._

"_Welcome home, babe."_

_He kissed me on the cheek as he held me against his chest. Happiness swelled within me as I began to think of his home as our home. I turned in his arms, clasped my hands behind his neck, and pulled him down to give him a soft kiss. When we broke apart his huge smile matched my own._

"_James, you've made me so happy. I love you."_

"_It's you and me now, babe. No one else matters anymore. I am yours and you are mine…forever."_

_

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**Thanks for reading. I love how worked up my dear Counselor can get. But I love even more how Bella just laughs and thinks it's funny. The two sometimes keep me up at night…crazy, I know but their arguments constant keep my mind working.**

As always, I want to take the time to give a couple of quick recs of some great stories I'm reading.

**The first is a new story. Chapter 1 has already captured my interest and I have to know what happened to these two to get them where they are. Join me and find out: Caged Ambitions by laurnorder**

Due to horrible childhoods, as well as bad decisions in adulthood, Bella and Edward each end up in trouble, which will change their lives forever. Will they be able to learn and grow from their mistakes with help from each other and some new friends?

http:/www .fanfiction .net/s/6789651/1/Caged_Ambitions

**The second story has quickly become one of my favorites and I'm just a few chapters in. I can't wait to keep going: Always Leads Back To You by Dinx**

Do you believe that 2 people can be made for each other? Bella and Edward tried dating in their teens and again in their 20's, but couldn't get it right. Will fate bring them together again in their 30's? Will they have a chance at a future... together?

http:/www .fanfiction .net/s/5934046/1/Always_Leads_Back_to_You

**And finally, I can't forget my boys. Normally, I'm a huge Edward/Jasper fan, but this short Carlisle/Edward story was amazing: Trouble by Savanah-Vee**

Professor Carlisle Cullen gets all he can handle and more when he meets Edward Cullen, a very persistent student who wants to become his favorite student.

http:/www .fanfiction .net/s/6784847/1/Trouble

**If you haven't checked out the awesome fics in the Carlward contest, go there now. You don't know what you're missing. ****http:/www**** .fanfiction .net/u/2705041/ **


	11. What Leah Sees

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

Thanks as always to Loulabelle and AgoodWITCH, my most awesome pre-reader and beta. I love you two so very much. I can't forget all my WC girls for all the encouragement. Ladies, you are the best. Love ya tons.

**A/N: I want to say that I am so very sorry for the long delay between chapters. I wanted to get this up before I went on vacation, but I wasn't able to make it happen. Thank for sticking with me even though my updates have been so erratic. Well, enough about that, let's just get on with the story.**

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Chapter 11 –What Leah Sees

**December 29, 2009**

Chills ran through me, my head bowed and a sigh escaped me as I told him about the day I handed my life over to James. I was afraid to look him in the eye, afraid to see his anger for not seeing through him, afraid to see his disapproval of my choices and afraid to see sympathy for the consequences. He cleared his throat, I slowly lifted my head but when I looked at him, I didn't see any of those things, what I saw was suspicion.

"Jake didn't know what happened at Thanksgiving, did he?"

The question came out of nowhere and it sounded like he was accusing me of something.

"What brought that up?"

"He would have never let you go if he did."

"Are you kidding? If he would have known, he would have tied me up and threw me in the closet or something."

We both laughed but it didn't last. He put his pen down and leaned on his crossed arms on the table, getting serious again.

"He obviously knew something was going on with the way he tried to tell you at the door not to go. I'm positive that he didn't know what it was yet. He's not one to hide his resentment for James."

"No, he definitely had no trouble at all telling me what he thought of James."

"They all handled things differently." I leaned on the table to match him. "Sam always tried to keep the peace and make me think about my choices, Emily gave me little comments here and there, but never really called me out on things and Leah never said anything. She was always the quiet one and was the only one that encouraged me."

I lowered my head to rest my chin on my hands. He reached out to touch my elbow.

"What is it?"

"I hate what all of this did to Leah. She always felt more responsible than any of them. She told me so many times how obvious it was that James loved me and she always told me to go with my heart, so you can imagine how guilty she felt the first time she saw the bruises."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**_Christmas 2005_**

_We fell into a pattern quickly. I got home from work around four-thirty and immediate started cooking our dinner. About an hour later, James was home, cleaned up and dressed and we met in the dining room at exactly five-thirty to eat. We were just like a married couple, sitting and talking about our days, discussing plans for the weekend and the upcoming holiday._

_Christmas was coming so, several nights during the week, we went downtown to do some shopping and just stroll through the streets, looking at the lights. On the weekend, he took me out to the annual parade. He brought some chairs, picking a spot right on the curb. He bought me hot chocolate and we wrapped up in a blanket to keep warm. It was a great night, as most of our nights were._

_We had only been living together for a week, but in that time our whole world was perfect. I felt like I was living in a fairy tale. I had my Prince Charming and he treated me like his queen, but somewhere in all my happiness something changed._

_I met Emily and Leah a few days before Christmas so we could do some shopping for the guys. Being a teacher, I had the time off for the holidays but the girls took a few days off to prepare for the party we were having on Christmas Eve. I must have had too much fun with them because I didn't realize that it was after five o'clock by the time I got home._

_I rushed to get dinner on the table but when James walked in and sat down to an empty place setting, he wasn't happy._

"_I'm sorry, babe. I was out with the girls and I didn't realize the time. I'll be done in about ten minutes."_

_He sat and waited without a word and ten minutes later, we were eating. He was quiet all through dinner and when we were done, I began to clean up. I was in front of the sink rinsing the dishes before placing them in the dishwasher when the jerk on my arm caused a plate to fall from my hands. He spun me around and his hands landed on my arms, holding me in place._

_He was looking down on me with narrowed eyes, but no other expression on his face. The looked freaked me out a bit because I hadn't seen him look like this before. He gave me a little smirk, but it was more of a twist of his lips than a smile._

"_What time is dinner supposed to be on the table, Bella?"_

_His voice was a whispered growl. His grip on my arms tightened._

"_What are you doing?"_

_I tried to pull away but he wouldn't let go. His eyes narrowed a bit more._

"_What time, Bella?"_

_He hovered over me and I shrunk back from him a little. He gripped my arms even tighter and I could feel every finger press into my skin._

"_Ow James, that hurts."_

"_Do I have to ask again?"_

_He was now speaking through clenched teeth and his face changed with his anger. I'd seen him angry but this wasn't like that. This was a side of him I had never seen before._

"_James please, I said I was sorry for being late."_

_He shook me twice, hitting my back against the sink and making my hair fall into my face so I had to look at him through the pieces. His hands were so tight on my arms now that I was starting to lose feeling._

"_Ow, five-thirty."I felt the tears in my eyes."God, James, I said I'm sorry." _

_One more jerk on my body, causing me to hit the sink again. "Don't make me wait again."_

_He lifted one hand to move my hair, kissed my forehead and let me go. My body was frozen in place as I watched him leave me standing alone in the kitchen, wondering what in the hell just happened. _

_I reached up to smooth out my hair and wipe away the tears that had continued to fall. It wasn't until I grabbed the plate that had fallen that I realized how badly my hands were shaking. I was trying to finish the last few dishes when James called me. This time it was a glass that fell from my hands when I jumped._

"_Bella, can you please bring me a beer?"_

_My head turned in the direction of his voice. I stared at the empty doorway for a few seconds before dropping my eyes to the half full sink in front of me. I couldn't move as I tried to put the events of the past ten minutes together in my head. I didn't understand him. Maybe he just had a bad day or something, because the voice calling me now was the same sweet voice I was used to hearing._

"_Babe," I jumped as his hands touched my shoulders. "Did you hear…?"_

_He stopped speaking mid-sentence and his arms wrapped around me._

"_God, Bella, you're shaking. Are you okay?"_

_He turned me to face him and his arms went around me again. He was running his fingers through my hair, whispering in my ear._

"_Please babe, tell me what's wrong."_

"_I…you…" I couldn't even form a sentence; I was so confused._

"_It's okay, babe. Here sit down for a minute." He guided me to the chair and helped me sit. "You had a long day with the girls, didn't you?" He gave me his winning smile. "You sit, I'll finish these and then we can sit and relax together. What do you say?"_

_He kissed the tip of my nose and went to the sink to finish the dishes. The soreness in my arms was proof that I didn't imagine the whole thing, but he was acting like he would on any normal day. I watched his back as he moved from the sink to the dishwasher and back again, whistling Mozart while he worked._

_When he leaned over to close the dishwasher he caught me staring. The smile he gave me now was the one I fell in love with and I couldn't stop myself from going to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and reaching up to kiss his cheek._

"_What was that for?" He chuckled as his arms wrapped around me. His blue eyes lit up as he looked at me. _

"_Couldn't help myself. You look so cute doing dishes."_

"_And you're beautiful every minute of the day."_

_He dipped his head down and touched his lips to my neck. His soft kiss caused goose bumps to cover my entire body. My knees began to give way as his lips trailed their way up my neck, stopping at the sensitive spot behind my ear. Chills ran down my back as each breath left his mouth, tickling the back of my neck. He pulled my earlobe between his teeth then closed his lips around it. I felt like my body caught fire and I almost collapsed in his arms as his whispered words left his mouth._

"_Mmm I think it's time for bed, babe."_

_I just nodded as his kisses trailed my jaw to my lips. One soft touch was all he gave me before backing away to stare down at me with the look that always made me melt. _

"_I want you now, Bella."_

_With those last words, his lips crashed into mine, my legs were swept out from under me and he carried me to the bedroom._

~..~..~..~..~

_**Christmas Eve**_

"_I have something for you."_

_I turned away from the mirror to see James standing behind me with a gold wrapped present._

"_That's for tomorrow."_

"_Christmas is only a few hours away and there's no rule that says you can't open presents early." He winked at me. "Besides, you could open ten things tonight and still have a mountain of gifts for tomorrow."_

_His sad face had me rolling my eyes, but it was the pouted lip that had me laughing and agreeing to open his gift._

"_Fine…give it to me."_

_I sat down on the bed and he was bouncing right next to me like an excited little kid. His playful attitude had me in tears from laughing so hard. He had always been so refined and proper, so seeing this side of him was a very welcomed change._

_I pulled the satin ribbon that held the box closed, folded it and placed it on the bed beside me. I slid the top of the box up and set it next to the ribbon, then slowly peeled away the tissue paper covering the contents of the box. Tears filled my eyes as I looked at him in complete surprise._

"_Do you like it?" His expression was hopeful._

"_How did you know?"_

"_I'll never tell." He teased with a smirk._

_I pulled the pearl white cashmere sweater out of the box, holding it up to my chest. I had seen this sweater the day I went shopping with the girls and, at the time, I would have given anything to buy it, but I knew it was something I could never afford._

"_Well, put it on." He was bouncing on the bed again, waiting for me to try it on._

_I took off the sweater I had chosen to wear to the party and slipped into the softest fabric I had ever felt against my skin. I scanned my reflection with a smile. The rounded neckline exposed just enough that I was comfortable, the elbow-length sleeves were the perfect length so I wasn't pushing them up all night and the bottom fell just a few inches past the waistline of my pants. He couldn't have chosen anything better for me._

"_It's perfect."_

_I spun around and tackled him on the bed, giving him quick kisses with 'thank yous' between each one. He rolled me over so he was laying half on top of me. His hand slid under the sweater, resting it on my stomach while he stared at me with love in his eyes._

"_I'm glad you like it."_

"_I do…so much."_

_He leaned in for a quick kiss, but pulled away with a small look of regret._

"_Ahh, I wish I could keep you here all night but if we don't leave soon, we're going to be late." He pushed himself off the bed, holding his hand out to me. "Come on, babe. Your friends are waiting."_

_Forty-five minutes later, we were standing outside my old house, waiting for someone to answer the door. James had me securely wrapped in his arms, trying to keep me warm. I looked up to him with a smile and he leaned over to kiss me._

"_I love you," I said as he pulled away._

"_I know." He winked._

"_Think you're funny, huh?"_

"_Absolutely."_

_He was about to kiss me again, but the scream at the front door stopped us. Emily threw the screen door open, launching herself at me. If James hadn't let go of me at that exact minute, he would have probably been pushed aside in her excitement to see me._

"_Em, you act like you haven't seen me in years. We were just together a couple of days ago."_

_She pulled back and I saw the tears in her eyes. "I know. I just miss you, Bella. It's not the same here without you." She pointed her finger at James. "You need to bring her around more often."_

_He held up his hands in surrender, looking surprised. "Okay…okay."_

_Sam was at the door next. "You better get in here, man, and leave these girls to their business or someone's gonna get hurt."_

_James stepped around us and shook Sam's hand as he walked into the house. Leah rushed us then and our group hug just made the guys laugh._

"_Alright break it up." I pulled away immediately at the sound of Jake's voice. "My turn."_

_Jake caught me as I jumped at him, wrapping his arms around my waist and lifted me off the ground. His face was nuzzled into my shoulder and he whispered, "God, I missed you, sis."_

_My arms were around his neck, holding him tight. "I missed you too, Jake. I hate not seeing you every day."_

_He pulled back when he heard my breath hitch a little. When he set me on my feet again, we were in the living room. I was so caught up in seeing him after a long two weeks that I didn't notice him carry me inside. He lifted his hand and wiped his thumb across my cheek._

"_Why the tears, Bella?"_

_I tried to look away but he put his hand under my chin to keep my focus on him._

"_Things are okay?" I nodded. "You are happy, right? I'll move you back home in a minute if…"_

"_No Jake, things are…fine." I took steadying breath._

_He just looked at me with suspicious eyes, not really believing what I was telling him. Before he could question me any further, though, Emily stepped in._

"_Here Bella, give me your coat and I'll put it away."_

_I took my coat off and she saw my sweater._

"_Bella isn't that…" Leah asked._

_I nodded._

"_I thought you weren't going to get it. It was so expensive."_

_I turned to James and smiled, proud that he loved me enough to give me exactly what I wanted without asking._

"_You got this?" Emily asked and James nodded. "But how did you know? We just saw this sweater the other day."_

_All eyes were on James now and he just smirked. "I have my ways."_

_Emily shook her head, mumbling, "Men," as she left the room._

"_Boys, keep James company." Leah grabbed my hand and pulled. "We're going to finish dinner."_

_We walked hand in hand to the kitchen. I was so happy to be here with my girls. It was comfortable and I fell back into my old self again in no time. Leah, Emily and I worked like a team in the kitchen again, laughing and talking about old times and past holidays together. I missed being with them, but this was the way things had to be if I wanted to be with James._

_Sam called Emily into the other room just as she was about to take the food from the oven. She threw me the potholders before she walked out and I stepped to the oven, bent over and reached in to pull the ham out. I took a slight step back to lift it to the stovetop, but almost dropped it when I heard Leah gasp from behind me. Her hand was on my back, lifting my sweater. I jumped and turned around, pressing my back against the refrigerator._

"_What the hell is that, Bella?" Leah looked shocked._

"_What's what?" I asked. I tried to act like there was nothing wrong, but I knew she saw the long bruise across my lower back._

"_Don't play with me, B. What's that on your back?" _

_She grabbed my wrist to turn me around but when I wouldn't budge, she grabbed my bicep with her other hand and pulled. I cringed from the pain, as her hand landed in the same spot James had held me two nights ago._

"_Ow, ow, ow stop." My strangled voice gave me away._

_Leah dropped her hands like she'd been burned. She got control of herself and her hands were on my arm again, but softer this time as she pushed my sleeve up a little to reveal the deep purple bruises underneath._

"_Oh my God." She shook her head as her fingers lightly traced the purple lines left by James' fingers. Tears filled her eyes now as she looked at me._

_I panicked and hurried to explain. "It was an accident, Le. Really, it was nothing."_

"_How can you call this nothing?"_

_Her words were loud and I covered her mouth to keep her quiet. I couldn't let the guys hear her._

"_Keep your voice down."_

_She jerked away from my hand. "No!"_

_I covered her mouth again and begged. "Please Le, I swear it was an accident. Please don't make a big deal out of this. Let it go, please."_

_We both jumped as Jake came walking into the kitchen._

"_Damn, I'm starving. Le, when is…" He stopped in his tracks as he took in our strange position. "What are you doing?"_

_I silently begged this time for her to drop this. Her eyes closed and I discreetly wiped the one tear that fell as I released her mouth. She didn't look at him as she spoke._

"_Just girl talk, honey. Dinner will be done in a few minutes."_

_Her words were strained and I knew Jacob would know something was up because Leah never called him 'honey', but as trusting as he was, he would never question Leah's word. He left and Leah turned her back on me to finish getting everything together for dinner._

_She and I didn't speak another word to each again that night. She stayed close Jacob for a while, never really looking anywhere except the floor in front of her and I could see how much it was hurting her to sit here. When she finally pretended to be sick and left the room to lie down, my heart broke because it was my fault. I did this to her. I begged her not to tell and now she had to lie and keep a secret from everyone she loved._

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

I tried to sit back but he wouldn't let go of my hand. His eyes held mine with a look I didn't recognize.

"I know that was one of the hardest times for her but..."

"She hated me for everything that happened. Who wouldn't?" I ripped my hand from his and moved from the table to the corner of the room. I leaned in, resting my head on the cold wall with my arms wrapped around my chest.

"Bella, she…"

"No really, it's true. Because of me, she had to lie to everyone, her cousin got hurt, her boyfriend got hurt and she lost her chance at having a family." I turned, not surprised to find him right behind me. "Who wouldn't hate me for that?"

I sank further into the corner with my head back, my hands gripping my hair, trying to release the tension in my head. I felt the warmth of his hands as they touched mine.

"Bella, let go…please," he whispered, as he tried to loosen my fingers.

My body slumped when the pain took over. My hands fell to my knees for support as the tears fell from my eyes to the floor. The guilt had eaten away at me for years and now that I allowed myself to remember all of it, I couldn't take it. My eyes shut tight and I shook my head, but it failed to stop the images of everything Leah went through from forcing themselves into my mind.

Leah's pained glances as she saw more bruises and eventually, broken bones.

Leah's tear-stained face as she cried over Emily.

Leah's complete breakdown as they took Jacob away.

He was kneeling in front of me with one hand on my shoulder."Bella, I need you to listen to me, please."

I refused to look at him, but I could hear the concern in his voice.

"Why should I? She hated me for what I did to her family."

"No, Bella, she doesn't hate you. I know you blame yourself, but you didn't do those things. You may have never been able to prove it, but you know he's the one to blame for all of this, not you."

"I know she blamed me. So much so that by the time I left, she couldn't even look me in the eye or even stand to be around me." I remembered Leah always leaving the room whenever I walked in.

"She felt like she let you down."

"I made her lie." My chest hurt as my breathing sped up. "She hated to lie and I _made_ her do it."

"She didn't want to make things worse for you."

"I took away the family she dreamed of."

"Bella, she's happy. She and Jake have made a great life together."

I opened my eyes to him and his look of sympathy stabbed me in the heart. How could he dismiss everything that happened because of my fucked up choices? How could he still look at me like I was the victim, when I left them to clean up my mess? Why couldn't he see me for what I really was? I was a coward who abandoned everyone when things got tough.

"Don't give me that fucking look! I don't deserve it!"

I pushed him. He didn't move.

"I don't need your fucking pity!"

I kicked him. He flinched, but didn't move.

"Get the hell away from me!"

I punched him. He caught my wrist.

"People get hurt around me, don't you get that!"

I punched him again. He caught my other wrist.

"Just leave before it's too late."

I struggled. He wouldn't let go.

"Don't let me ruin your life."

He pulled me to his chest. I broke down.

It could have been a minute; it could have been an hour, I honestly didn't know. When the tears finally stopped and my mind let the world back in, I found myself sitting in his lap and I felt his head resting on top of mine, his hand running through my hair and the movement as he rocked me back and forth. I heard his voice softly whispering 'it's okay' and 'I'm here' over and over again, trying to soothe me.

"Why can't you just hate me like everyone else?" I whispered.

* * *

**Poor Bella just doesn't get it. This man could never hate her. She'll figure things out soon enough. Thanks for reading and don't forget to leave me a little love. It makes my day to hear what you're thinking. Next chapter will reveal a couple of secrets and I promise I'll send out a teaser with my reply so you know what good things are coming next.**

**Also, I don't have any story recs to leave you with this time since I've had no time to read anything. But I promise to be back with more with the next chapter. So, until next time…much love to you all - D**


	12. Making Plans

Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

Thanks as always to Loulabelle and AgoodWITCH, my most awesome pre-reader and beta. I love you two so very much. I can't forget all my WC girls for all the encouragement. Ladies, you are the best. Love ya tons.

* * *

**Chapter 12 –Making Plans **

**Counselor**

**December 29, 2009**

On my way back to the car, I checked my watch; three hours to get back to the office. I had a few errands to run but I would be done and back in plenty of time. I pulled out of the lot and made my way back to the city. As the distance grew, the ache in my chest got harder to ignore. I felt it every time I left her there and went back to my empty house. When this was all over, I wanted her in my life.

I couldn't wait for the day I would watch her walk through those gates as a free woman. This time she would truly be free…free from a life in prison, free from the prison that James turned her life into and, hopefully, free to love again.

I prayed for that day to come. The day she would be able to look at me and, if there was a God, she would have the same feelings for me that I did for her. She could fill the gaping hole in my life that I never cared about until I met her.

My phone ringing ended my musings and I tapped the button on the earpiece to answer.

"Hey boss. How long until you get back?" Alice asked.

"I'll be there around six-thirty."

"Good. They should be here around that time too. I ordered Italian, so stop in and pick it up on your way back."

"Consider it done. Is there anything else?" I asked.

"Nothing that we can't talk about after you get back."

"Thanks, Alice. I'll see you in a few hours." I tapped the earpiece again to hang up the phone.

~..~..~..~..~..~

By 6pm I walked into the restaurant to pick up our dinner. Alice knew how much I loved this place and she also knew that when I found something I liked, I stuck with it. We were regulars here, constantly picking up take out or sitting down to eat after a long day in court or meeting with clients.

The hostess, Jessica, smiled as I approached her. Alice told me once that she had a thing for me but I wasn't the least bit interested in her. I took her for coffee one time and politely explained that my work kept me too busy to even consider dating and I wouldn't want her to wait around for me. Thankfully, she accepted that and our association since had been comfortable.

"Hey you, we don't see you in here much anymore." She stepped from behind her podium and gave me a light hug.

I pulled away and smiled. "Sorry Jessica, I've been working on a big case and it's taking all of my time."

"Right the Swan case. I remember Alice talking about that last week. How's it going?" she asked.

"We're working really hard and with any luck, we'll win and she can go free." I felt my pulse speed up like it always did when I thought of Bella.

"No offense, but she killed someone, prison is exactly where she needs to be."

The attitude she used when she spoke triggered my protective side.

"How can you even say that? You don't know anything about her," I snapped at her.

Her eyes grew wide at my tone. I'd never spoken so harshly to her or anyone else for that matter.

"Murder is murder, right? You take a life, you belong in prison." Her answer was simple, but she spoke with a haughty attitude.

"You have no idea what that girl went through. Sometimes life doesn't give us another choice." I knew my voice was growing in volume and I tried to bring it down to keep from causing a scene. "If you were in her shoes, what would you do?"

I turned away from her, not wanting to continue the conversation.

"Gah, you don't have to get so defensive about it. If that man had killed her, he would be spending the rest of his life in prison or worse. Why should _she_ get off so easily?"

I turned toward her and her cocked eyebrow showed me how uncaring this girl really was. She passed judgment on Bella even though she knew nothing of the horrible past she had to endure. I had to control my temper and get out of there before I gave this girl a piece of my mind.

"Is my food ready yet?" I said, every word dripping with disdain.

Her face fell slightly and I was sure my tone hurt her feelings, but in that moment I didn't care. She turned and grabbed two bags off a table behind her and handed them to me. After signing the credit card slip, I grabbed the bags and stormed out without so much as a thank you.

"Damn narrow minded people," I mumbled to myself as I got in the car. "I'd like to see her go through that and then maybe she would understand."

As soon as the words left my mouth, I was instantly guilty. How could I ever wish that on someone? It was wrong and evil and vindictive and it hurt to think I could ever wish that kind of harm on someone…even if I didn't truly mean it.

I drove back to the office, silently chastising myself for the argument with Jessica. I knew this case was going to be a sore spot with many people and I told myself not to take it personally when they expressed their views, but that was months ago, before Bella would talk to me. Now that I was getting to know more about her and her life, everything about this case was personal.

I pulled the car in front of my office and was pulling the food out of the back when a voice startled me, causing me to hit my head.

"Son of a bitch. Who…" I rubbed my head, stood up and turned to see who was behind me...laughing.

"I'm sorry." He tried to control himself, but wasn't doing a very good job.

"Here." I handed him the food. "I'll get the rest and meet you inside."

I pulled some bags out of the trunk and grabbed the twelve pack of beer before closing it. I walked towards the door and it opened for me before I got there. Alice eyed me when she saw the beer in my hand but she would end up drinking one too so I knew she wouldn't be too mad.

"I'll get those," she said as she took the bags and put them into our supply room.

Alice already had our dinner set up in my office where we could sit comfortably and eat while we talked. The door behind me opened and closed and Alice poked her head out of my office with a smile on her face. She skipped past me and threw herself at her boyfriend.

"Jasper!" She kissed his cheek as soon as he had her in his arms. "You're late."

"Sorry, darlin'. I got off a little late." He nodded at me before scanning the office. "Where's Paul?"

"It's about time." Paul stepped out of my office. "You act like we have all night to wait for you or something."

Jasper set Alice on her feet again and stepped up to shake my hand. We had a lot to go over tonight, so I motioned for them to step into my office.

"Well, since we're all here, let's get started."

~..~..~..~..~..~

We spent the first half hour talking, laughing and hanging out like normal friends. Since Alice and I worked so closely together over the past several years, I had gotten to know Jasper quite well and we'd become friends. It was because of that friendship that I went along with Alice's idea of having him keep an eye on Bella and help to keep her out of trouble.

Paul, however, was a different story. I was all for Jasper keeping an eye on her because a couple of the other inmates had it in for Bella and would attack her any chance they got. In the first month, she had come to several of our meetings with bruises from fights she had gotten into with the two women. I realized that there was a whole block of time after Jasper was off duty that Bella was left on her own.

I talked to Jasper one night when he came to see Alice and asked if there was someone else that he could trust to help watch over Bella at night. He didn't hesitate to bring Paul in to see me. I knew if Jasper trusted him, I didn't have to worry about his character, but I still wanted to get to know him little before I asked him for his help. He stepped up without a problem and, over the past several months, had actually become more of an asset to me than Jasper was.

Jasper worked the day shift with more guards around and had to keep up appearances, so his contact with Bella was limited. He watched her from a distance and stepped in to help her when it was necessary, but he never got personally involved with her. Paul, on the other hand, worked the night shift with considerably less guards on duty, giving him a chance to actually get to know Bella. He had found a way to become her friend and from what I know of her, if she considered someone a friend, they had her full trust and she was an open book with them.

I knew they talked about a number of different things because he knew so much about her that I didn't, but he would never tell me what they talked about. He would never betray her or their friendship that way and it was because of that, that I was able to fully place my trust in him. We were extremely lucky to have two great men on the inside, one to help keep her safe and one to help bring her out of her shell and help me return her to the girl she used to be.

As much as I liked relaxing and having fun with them, I knew we had business to discuss and it was time to get back to it. I cleared my throat and three sets of eyes all focused on me.

"First, let me say thank you for stepping up and taking care of Bella the way you did while I was gone. Jasper, I know you had to reveal your intentions a little, do you think she caught on?"

"Come on," he laughed and took a drink. "You saw her today. Don't you think she would be a little nicer to me if she knew?"

"Good point. So we're safe there." I looked to Paul but he was looking at Jasper.

"Jasper," Paul was laughing now, "do you even know how much Bella hates you right now?"

Jasper almost choked on the drink he just took and we all laughed.

"I have a feeling after today," he said. "I think I'd be sporting a black eye today if she wasn't worried about going to solitary."

"Why was she so pissed off at you today? I've never seen her like that with you before."

Remembering how she was when he brought her to the room today, I was shocked when Bella screamed at him as he was walking out.

"She's pissed 'cause I wouldn't let her out of the room yesterday when you were fighting." He laughed again.

"Well thank you for that." I was embarrassed by my behavior. "I tried so hard not to fight with her, but I just couldn't get a handle on my temper. I've told her so many times to be careful but she just won't listen."

"Yeah, but she forgave you for that," Paul said. "So, don't worry about it."

"What?" His comment surprised me. I never realized that I would be a topic of discussion between them.

"Nothing. Never mind." He tried to turn back to Jasper again, but I needed to know what he meant.

"No, I want to know what she said."

"Look, all you need to know is that she realized some things last night that made her see things a little differently."

His attention went back to Jasper and I knew he wasn't going to say another word about it. It aggravated me beyond belief that he would keep what she said about me to himself, but that was exactly how he gained her trust so I couldn't complain too much. If I was being honest with myself, I was more than a little jealous that he was able to get her to open up in a way that I only dreamed of. But in the end, I didn't care which one of us did it; I was just glad that someone could.

"Speaking of last night, what were you doing awake at 2am anyway?" Paul asked.

"I didn't have a chance to tell you about today," Jasper answered.

Paul took a one drink of his beer and was laughing as he put his empty bottle on the table.

"Let me just say this, if you keep interrupting her conversations, whatever attitude she gave you today is going to be nothing. I can almost guarantee that she's not going to be so concerned about solitary the next time."

When he spoke of interrupted conversations, my mind flashed to yesterday when I had Bella up against that wall. The urge to kiss her was so strong and if Jasper hadn't interrupted when he did, I would have lost the fight and gave in to my desires.

"You better watch out, baby." Alice spoke up. "I don't know if I could handle my boyfriend being beaten up by a girl."

Laughter erupted around the room and Paul almost fell out of his chair from laughing so hard. After a few minutes, everyone was able to calm down enough so I could get back to what I really brought them here for. Things were going to be changing and we all needed to be prepared for it.

"Now that we got all of that out of the way, I need to go over a few things with both of you." I took my last drink and set the bottle down. "So far, Bella has given me just enough to finally decide on a proper defense, but she's been hesitant; afraid to give me too much and, frankly, we don't have time to wait."

Jasper and Alice waited to hear what I had to say, but Paul shifted in his seat and I knew that he knew what I was talking about.

"Over the weekend, I went to Colorado to see two of Bella's old friends but as luck would have it, they're still really close and I was able to sit down with all four of them instead. I hoped they would give me the details I need to help her, but when I got them all in the same room together, I realized that she's been holding back an immense amount of information."

"So what does that have to do with us?" Jasper interrupted.

"I'm going to need your help. This trial is coming fast and as much as I hate to do it, I'm going to have to push her _hard _for information. I'm going to use the details I got from her friends to get the information I need out of her and I can promise you now that there is going to be a lot of fighting going on between us."

Paul opened his mouth to say something, but I held my hand up to stop him. I sat forward in my chair to address each one of them.

"Jasper, I'm sorry but you and I are going to bear the full weight of her anger. She's going to fight me at every turn, but I'm going to need to keep her in that room and she is going to hate you for that. I don't mean to put this on you, but no matter what you hear or how much she begs, you _cannot_ let her leave."

"I can do that." Jasper nodded, agreeing with my plan.

"You're going to force her to do this!" Paul yelled. "She's barely holding on as it is and you want to push her to the edge before she's ready? Do you have _any_ idea what that will do to her?"

"Paul…" Jasper started.

"No Jasper, you can't do this to her. Neither one of you saw how she was the night before she got hurt. She was a wreck and if you do this, she'll lose it completely!"

"I'm sorry, but I have to agree with Paul here," Alice interjected. "The two of you have seen, felt and heard how much anger she's holding inside, and I know it's bothered you both on more than one occasion. Paul is the only one who sees the pain that she allows herself to feel when no one else is around. He's been the one to help her through it and he's been the one encouraging her to talk. Don't you think he knows better than anyone what your plan will do to her? How it will affect her?"

Paul looked me right in the eye and spoke with a quiet, but serious, tone. "You do this to her and you _will_ lose her."

He wasn't just talking about my plan to get her to talk anymore. There was more to his statement than he was willing to say out loud.

"Alice…Jasper, can the two of you excuse us for a minute?"

The two of them left quietly, giving me and Paul a chance to talk freely and I hoped, for once, he would open up to me. When the door clicked closed, I continued with the argument I wanted to make before Alice interrupted.

"Paul, I really am sorry, but I don't have any other choice here. She's still hiding so many secrets and if I don't get to them soon, it may be too late." I took a deep breath. "I know how much you care about her, which is why I need you the most."

"You don't know shit and I couldn't give a fuck what _you_ need." He had calmed down, but his voice still had a hard edge to it. "I'm not in this for you. I care about Bella, and I refuse to let you hurt her more than she's already been hurt."

"But I have to know everything, and right now I don't. This trial is three months away and we haven't even scratched the surface yet. It's going to make this so much harder for me if I don't get all the details from her." I had to make him realize the depth of the problem we're facing.

"Has she ever told you about her friends?" I asked.

"She's mentioned them."

"Has she ever told you what happened to them?"

"No."

"There is a whole world of pain and guilt eating away at her that even you don't know about."

I took the time to explain to him exactly what I found out over the weekend and how it affected Bella's decisions to not only leave Colorado, leaving them behind, but how what happened played a part in what she did. By the time I was done, he looked angry, hurt and sick all at the same time.

"She feels responsible for all of that, and she believes she still needs to protect them. They don't need her protection; they need her. I've promised all of them that I will do whatever it takes to get her out of there and I will."

"But isn't there another way?" he asked. "Can't you give me a chance to talk to her and ease her into it? You're there everyday. There has to be enough time to do this without going to the extreme."

I could feel how much he wanted to protect her from this and his feelings weren't that far off from my own. I had gone over and over this to see if there was a better way of doing it but after six days, I was coming up with nothing.

"Two hours a day is nowhere near enough. This isn't a spur of the moment decision, Paul. I've tried to think of every possible way of doing it slowly, giving her time. Unfortunately, time is something we just don't have."

His head dropped, his hands clasped around the back of his neck and I could see the strain in his arms as he pulled, relieving some of the pressure caused by the guilt I was sure he was feeling for going along with this. I could sympathize with him because I was feeling that very same guilt for having to intentionally hurt Bella. I took advantage of his silence to take a few calming breaths before speaking.

"I know what you're going through; I don't want to hurt her either. At least you have one advantage, she already h-hates me," I couldn't help the slight slip in my words, "but she cares about you and you're going to be the one she turns to for support."

I tried to keep the emotion out of my voice as I realized that after this, she wasn't going to want anything to do with me. In the past couple of weeks, I'd had slivers of hope that she might feel something for me already but this was going to ruin any chance I ever hoped to have.

"She doesn't hate you," he mumbled. "She's afraid to trust you," he picked up his head and anger distorted his features, "and now I see why."

"Paul, I don't have a choice." I couldn't lose his trust now.

He shook his head. "Choosing to hurt someone you love on purpose is wrong. Your intentions don't matter."

"What?" His words didn't escape my notice. "I don't…"

"You can try to lie to yourself all you want to, but you can't lie to me. I know more than you think I do." He got out of his chair, moving towards the door. "I've gotta get out of here."

He stopped with his hand on the doorknob before turning back to me.

"One more thing before I go."

His stress over this was displayed on his face for the world to see, and I couldn't help but hate myself for what I was about to do because it was going to end up hurting all of us in the end.

"She knows or at least I think she knows how you feel about her and if you ask me, she feels it too. She just doesn't realize it yet. I don't expect to change your mind, but think long and hard about what you're planning to do because once it's done, it can't be undone and you could lose her."

He opened the door, telling Alice and Jasper they could come back in now. He took a step to leave.

"Goodnight Mr. Cullen."

The door clicked behind him as he left.

* * *

**Thanks for reading. My poor Paul, he is going to have such a hard time when the Counselor moves forward with this plan. I just hope it doesn't hurt Bella the way he thinks it will. Only time will tell.**

As always, I want to take the time to give a few quick recs of some great stories I'm reading. This week, I'm going to focus all my choices on the one and only…Carlisle Cullen.

**The first story is a great o/s about the love you can find in unexpected places: Bridging the Gap written by my awesome beta, AgoodWITCH. **

Summary: After having her heart broken, Bella meets her sister Esme's best friend, the handsome and caring Dr. Carlisle Cullen. Can they find in the other what they've been searching for?

http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6872768/1/Bridging_the_Gap

**The second story has completely owned me from the beginning. It's an absolutely powerful story of two souls finding each other in a love so right that it transcends all logic: There Once Was A King by Brits23**

Summary: Bella relies on pen and paper to inspire her in a monotonous world, but the written word is nothing without the right melody. She finds that melody in a man who breathes life into an endless sea of grey. He's everything - everything she can't have.

http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6127359/1/There_Once_Was_a_King

**And finally, I can't forget my boys. Another amazing o/s (and hopefully more someday) about how a common love can bring two people together, but that same love can also tear them apart: Shifting Gears by Tkegl**

Summary: Edward shows up in Carlisle's driveway, drawn in by his gorgeous Pontiac GTO. Carlisle thinks they just share a love for classic cars…but soon realizes that what Edward wants is to get under HIS hood.

http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6752389/1/Shifting_Gears


	13. Letting It All Out

Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

Thanks as always to Loulabelle and AgoodWITCH, my most awesome pre-reader and beta. I love you two so very much. I can't forget all my WC girls for all the encouragement. Ladies, you are the best. Love ya tons.

* * *

**Chapter 13 – Letting It All Out**

**Bella**

**January 4, 2010**

I hadn't talked to a soul in five days. The warden apparently stopped all visitations, both personal and professional, until after the New Year. It wouldn't have bothered me too much because the only one who came to see me was my lawyer, and after my embarrassing behavior the last time he was here, I was glad to have a few days away from him. What made me more upset than anything was the fact that I hadn't been able to talk to Paul once the entire time.

In the last two months, I hadn't gone more than three days without being able to steal at least a few minutes with him. He made my nights bearable when he would stop and talk to me because I could always count on him to make me laugh, make me smile, give me advice and even call me out when I was being exceptionally stubborn about something. Like Jacob, I looked at Paul like another brother and I really missed him.

Oh well, today would be a little less lonely since my lawyer was allowed back in to see me. Being completely honest, I kind of missed him too. He had been the only constant presence in my life from the time I got here and I never thought about how much I started to really want him around. His constant touches and hugs and the way we were able to have normal conversations now was actually something I looked forward to everyday, but I would never tell him that.

I was sitting on my bed reading through my journal, steeling myself for what I was going to be sharing with him today. I put this off as long as I could, but it was time to start talking about what James was really like and everything he did to me. Today wasn't going to be a good day, but I would take it one step at a time, and knowing he was going to be there to give me strength and comfort, I knew I could get through it.

"On your feet, Swan," Whitlock commanded, as he walked through my cell door.

I put my journal back under my pillow and jumped off the bed, ready to get this over with. I held out my hands so he could put the cuffs on.

"No fighting today." He cocked his eyebrow at me.

"No fighting." I felt the smallest tinge of color creep into my cheeks. "Sorry about that. I was having a bad day. I shouldn't have taken things out on you."

He shrugged, giving me the exact response I expected. I almost laughed but it didn't seem appropriate so I held it in.

"Let's go." He gave me a small nudge to get me moving.

It took longer than normal to walk to the meeting room and several times along the way; I could have sworn I heard Whitlock exhaling louder than necessary. When we finally made it to the door, I watched him hesitate slightly to put the key in the lock. His behavior was off and it was making me uncomfortable.

After unlocking the door, he led me into the room and sat me down in the chair just like normal so he could remove the handcuffs. He put his hand on my shoulder before he walked away. "I'm sorry," he whispered so softly that I almost missed it.

Before he left though, he actually looked me in the eye with an almost sad expression on his face, making me feel even worse than before. I knew something was up, because he looked…bothered.

_What the hell is going on?_

The door closed and I looked from it to my lawyer, standing by the window with his back to me. It took a few minutes for him to move or even acknowledge my presence and when he finally did turn to face me, he looked like he was forcing himself to smile at me. It didn't have any effect on his face whatsoever and that just made my nervous feeling spike to an unhealthy level.

"What's going on around here? Are you okay?" I asked as he took his seat across from me.

"Everything's fine. How was your hol…sorry, never mind." He gave a short, nervous laugh.

"It's okay. I'm not going to flip out on you or anything." I took a deep breath. "That's actually what I wanted to talk about today. This isn't going to be easy for me and I don't…"

The feeling in the room compounded the nervous feeling I already had in the pit of my stomach and I felt like I was going to be sick.

"Go on, Bella." His hand on mine calmed me a little.

"I've been stalling, trying to put off getting to the harder memories." My heart rate sped up and I could barely breathe. "But there really isn't anything left but the bad things. I don't know if I can make to the end of it, but I'll try."

A look of relief crossed his face and he gave me a genuine smile as both of his hands held mine now. "They're just memories. He can't hurt you anymore. And you've got me, Bella. I'm here for you, no matter what."

I took what comfort I could from his words. "New Year's Eve was really when it all started. I still don't know what caused him to lose it the way he did, but that was the first real beating he gave me."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_**December 31, 2005**_

_I wanted nothing more than to spend a quiet night at home, cuddled on the couch, sipping champagne and watching the ball drop on TV, but James had other ideas. A friend of his was having a party and we were going whether I liked it or not. I tried to talk to him about it, but there was no changing his mind. I was in our walk-in closet searching for my red shoes to go with the dress I was wearing when James came in behind me._

_"You're not wearing that are you?" he asked as he put his hand on the small of my back._

_I turned to him and looked down at my dress, his hand slid to my side as I moved. He pulled me closer and moved in to kiss my neck one time._

_"I thought you were wearing the black one. Red just doesn't look right." He pulled back, placing a hand on my cheek and staring me right in the eye. "One of us is going to have to change."_

_He kissed my forehead and walked out. I turned around and searched my hangers for one of my black dresses. I didn't see the reason for the change, but I wasn't going to question him when it was almost time to leave. I knew how much he hated being late. I changed my hair a little, put different jewelry on that matched the new dress and I was ready to go._

_His back was turned to me as I made it to the stairs, but the clicking of my heels alerted him to my presence. He turned to face me and it was just like a movie scene. His smile was brilliant and his eyes sparkled as he watched me walk down the stairs. He reached out and grabbed me off the bottom step, spinning me around a couple of times before setting me on my feet._

_"Babe, you're beautiful." He brushed his lips against mine. "I love you in black."_

_I loved the compliments he would give me because even the simplest words from him would make me smile. I hugged him one last time before he led me out the door._

_The party was fun. It was definitely different than a New Year's Eve party at my house, but it was one of the only times I had seen James really loosen up. He was talking and laughing with his friends and I stayed close to his side all night. I wasn't included in the conversation too much, but it didn't bother me. I was still enjoying myself._

_I was asked to dance one time and I turned the man down as I noticed James look at me out of the corner of his eye. I knew it would bother him and I definitely didn't want a repeat of the Halloween incident either, so I stayed in my seat, moving my body to the music playing throughout the night._

_Midnight came and as everyone gathered for the countdown, James held me close and whispered the numbers from ten to one in my ear, every one made me shiver with excitement._

_"Happy New Year, babe." He kissed the spot right behind my ear. "You know what this means, right?"_

_His lips burned a line from my ear to my lips. My breaths were short as my hormones went into overdrive again._

_"What." I could barely speak and only managed one word._

_His hands were on either side of my face and his thumbs caressed my cheeks as he looked at me with the look that made my knees weak._

_"You're mine, Bella, for one more year."_

_His lips crashed into mine in a passionate kiss. This wasn't like him at all. He hated public displays like this, and to have him do it here in this crowded room was strange, but I wasn't going to complain. I broke the kiss, completely out of breath and I looked up at him to see his smile._

_"I know you want to stay, but I'm really ready to get out of here." I winked at him, hoping he knew what I meant. His smile grew wider…he knew._

_Goodbyes were said quickly and we were out the door, kissing all the way to the car. He opened my door for me and I got in after one last kiss. He sped back home, his hand moving higher and higher up my leg as he drove. I didn't realize the time had gone so quickly until he slammed on the brakes in front of the house._

_He was at my door in seconds, practically pulling me out of the seat, cradling me in his arms, and kissing me as we made our way into the house. He began undressing me the second the door slammed shut._

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

The chair scraping across the floor pulled me from my memory as he jumped up, pacing and mumbling to himself again. He exhaled heavily as he threw his back against the wall. His eyes were focused on the floor when he spoke.

"Sorry," he apologized. "Please…continue."

The bitterness in his voice surprised me and Paul's words were in my head again. I instantly felt guilty because he didn't need to hear about that stuff.

"No, I didn't think and I'm sorry. I know you don't need to hear about all of that, but I was just going through the night as it happened."

"Its fine, Bella." His voice softened. "I'm not dumb and I know the two of you did…_that,_ but I…"

"I really am sorry." I exhaled. "Will you please come and sit with me?"

He looked shocked, but came back to the table. The look of shock doubled as I grabbed his hand when he sat down. It wasn't my normal behavior, but I knew I was going to need his comfort as I finished.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_We woke up on the couch, me laying on his chest and his arms holding me so I wouldn't fall off. I lifted my head to look at him and he looked distracted._

_"Hey," I touched his cheek, "you still with me?"_

_"Sorry, I was just thinking." His blue eyes found mine and he smiled._

_"Will you tell me?" I asked._

_"I think it's time to rearrange this space." His eyes moved back to the entertainment center on the other side of the room._

_That was so out of left field, so random that I laughed, thinking it was a joke._

_"What? Now?" I turned to look at the clock. "It's three in the morning."_

_He moved me off of him. "Yes, go get some clothes on and come help me."_

_He slid off the couch and found his boxers and pants, sliding them on before he began to move the furniture around. I just stared, not really believing he was serious._

_"Come on, Bella, get moving."_

_I went to the room and put on a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt and went to help him move the furniture. When I got back to the front room, he had most of the tables and things out of his way and he was behind the entertainment center._

_"Great, now help me move this." He seemed a little too excited to be doing this. "You get on that side and push."_

_I moved to the opposite side of the stand and pushed on the count of three. His side moved about two feet while mine stayed right where it was._

_"Come on, Bella, push."_

_"I did. It's too heavy for me, I can't move it."_

_"You're not even trying." He sounded irritated._

_I used the wall for support this time, using all my strength to push with my shoulder…still nothing, not even an inch._

_"Really? It's not even that fucking hard." He was mad now._

_He stomped over to my side, grabbed my arm and yanked me out of the way. The force had me stumbling about five feet and when I caught my balance, I saw him push my side like it was nothing._

_"You can't even do one simple little thing, can you?" He came to me, grabbed my arm and threw me toward the stand again. "Now that I did that much for you, you can push it the rest of the way."_

_"James, it's too heavy. I can't move it." I told him again._

_The spark of anger in his eyes was hard to mistake as he slowly walked to where I was standing. I started to back away, but I wasn't fast enough as the back of his hand hit my cheek. I staggered a few steps, my hand covering my cheek._

_"Why are you so fucking worthless?"_

_"Why would you…" I tried to ask, but his hard grip on my arm stopped me just before his other hand slapped me again._

_"Stop!" I yelled and tried to shield my face but it didn't work as another slap stung my already hurting cheek._

_More hits came fast as they punctuated every word he spoke. "You. Are. Useless."_

_I was on the ground now with James hovering over me. I heard his muffled words, but the ringing in my ear from him hitting me was so loud that I couldn't make out exactly what they were. The hits kept coming, my body couldn't take anymore and I blacked out._

_I woke up in bed with my blankets tangled around my legs. The left side of my face was on fire and I could feel the size of my swollen lips as I ran my tongue over them. My hand slowly moved to my cheek and it hurt to even touch a single finger to it. I groaned from the pain just before I heard the rustling coming from behind me. James must have been sitting on the floor because his hands were on my back as he slowly rolled me over._

_"God Bella, I've been so worried about you." He smoothed the hair away from my face with the lightest of touches. "I'm so sorry, babe. Please forgive me. Please!" I heard him crying as he begged me to say everything was okay._

_My first attempt to open my eyes scared the hell out of me because my left eye wouldn't open and when I tried to talk, my jaw hurt too much to move. I cried, not only from the pain, but also from the fact that he could do such a thing. He tried to wipe my cheeks and I jerked away, not wanting him to touch me._

_"Don't," was the only word I could get out, making me cry harder from the pain of it._

_He jerked his hands away from my face, grabbing my hands instead. Through my good eye, I was able to see the pain in his face as he repeatedly told me how sorry he was. He looked horrible as tears ran from his red, puffy eyes, his hair was a mess and he hadn't shaved. I wanted to feel sorry for his pain, but my own pain made it hard._

_I pulled my hands away from his so I could sit up, then they immediately went to my head as the pounding made me a little dizzy. I felt the bed move and his arm went around my shoulder, trying to pull me to him. I didn't have it in me to fight him off so I allowed him to get closer but when my cheek came in contact with his chest, it was like a slap to the face all over again. I struggled out of his arms and pushed him away from me._

_He jumped off the bed and was back to his position on the floor. His shattered look hurt me as I moved past him to walk into the bathroom. Before I closed the door, I turned to look at him and what I saw broke my heart._

_James was kneeling on the floor where I left him; his face was buried in the blankets, fists hitting the back of his head as his body shook with his tears. As bad as I felt, I was sure it was nothing compared to the devastated man I was looking at now. I closed the door to block him from my sight._

_I did what I needed, purposely keeping myself from looking in the mirror. When I couldn't avoid it any longer, I stood in front of the sink, taking a few deep breaths before I closed my eye and lifted my head. Another deep breath calmed me a little since I was still afraid to look, and I opened my eye slowly._

_"Oh God!" I yelled and backed away from the sink until I hit the wall._

_I slid to the cold, tile floor, wrapped my arms around my knees and cried harder than before. The sight of my face was stuck in my head; the whole left side of my face was swollen to twice its normal size, the welts his fingers left were everywhere, overlapping in some places, making them look worse, and the color was a sickening mix between a deep purple and black. My stomach turned and within seconds, I was heaving over the toilet._

_James was behind me with one hand on my back and the other holding my hair. I didn't even notice him come into the bathroom as every jerk of my body caused the ache in my head and face to become almost unbearable. When it seemed I was finished, he flushed the toilet and gently eased me into his lap. He had the good side of my face pressed to his chest; the only sounds in the room came from our crying as we held onto each other. His hand was stroking my hair and he began apologizing again._

_"Bella, I'm so sorry," he whispered. "You have no idea how much I hate myself right now. If I could take it back I would…in a heartbeat."_

_"Why?" I had to know. "Why would you…"_

_"I don't know, babe. I could make up an excuse, but the truth is, I just don't know what came over me." He kissed the top of my head, my body stiffened at the touch. "Nothing I ever say will ever take away what I did, but I'm begging you, Bella, please forgive me."_

_"It hurts." I was still crying._

_"I know, Bella." He was still crying too. "I'm sorry. I know that's not enough, but I am so, so sorry."_

_"My head hurts." I pushed away from him to get up. "I want to lie down."_

_I left him sitting on the floor and walked back to the bed. Grabbing a tissue from my nightstand, I wiped my face the best I could before I wrapped my blankets around me and closed my eye. The tension in my head and shoulders eased a bit as soon as I closed my eye, but it still hurt so much. I was just starting to relax when his side of the bed shifted and he moved in next to me. We were facing each other and I could feel every breath as it hit my face, but I refused to look at him._

_"Bella," he spoke softly, "I know you probably hate me now and want to leave me, but I will do anything…anything for you to stay." His lips touched my forehead and I felt his tears as they fell just below his lips. "I love you, Bella. You mean everything to me and it would kill me to lose you. Please don't let this one mistake…"_

_"Damn it," My voice was weak when I cut off his sentence, remembering my plans for today. "I was supposed to meet the girls for lunch today."_

_"I know. Emily already called." He grabbed my hand again. "I told her you were sick and you couldn't make it. I'm sorry, Bella, but I didn't know when you were going to wake up or how you would feel when you did. I knew you were going to be hurting, I knew you needed to rest, I didn't want you to worry about them and…"_

_His sentences were all running together and I couldn't take anymore._

_"James," I interrupted him, "please just stop. Thank you for talking to Emily, but please, I'm begging you to just let me sleep."_

_"Okay babe. I'll be here when you wake up." He placed another kiss to my forehead. "I love you…so much."_

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

I lifted my eyes to meet his, but he was leaning on the table with his head resting on his arm. The rise and fall of his shoulders looked like he was breathing heavy and I was going to assume he was trying to calm the anger he always had when I told him some of the awful things James did.

"Hey," I said as I shook the hand I was holding. "Are you okay?"

He shook his head where it was, not even bothering to look at me. I let go of his hand and went to his side of the table. He was taking this a lot harder than I expected him to and I couldn't stop myself from trying to comfort him. I laid my hands on his back and he jumped slightly, but didn't move.

He was shaking and it hurt me to see him like this. My hands moved to his shoulders and I surprised myself by leaning forward to hug him. He shuddered and I heard him sniff; he was crying. I let him go and moved to the side of his chair, crouching down next to him and placing one hand on the back of his head and the other on his leg.

"God, please don't cry," I said. "I need you to be the strong one here. I need you to be the one to keep me going."

"I'm not crying." He tried to hide it, but I knew.

He shifted a little, probably wiping his eyes on his sleeve, and then lifted his head. He still wouldn't look at me and it made me smile a little because I knew why he was hiding from me. I was touched that he would be reduced to tears over what happened. In one short minute, I began to see him in a whole new light.

He stepped out of his chair, moving away from me, still with his back turned. I stood up and followed him to the window. How ironic, I was usually the one to walk away and stare out this window when the pain of the memories became too much, now he was doing the same thing.

"Please tell me what's bothering you." I needed to know.

"Bella, seeing pictures is one thing, but sitting here, listening to you tell me what happened, telling me how you felt and how much it hurt," he sighed, "it's all too much."

I put my hand on his shoulder and was about to answer, but he wasn't done.

"I just can't believe you stayed after that. You felt sorry for him and you forgave him for hurting you. You even let him lie to your friends for you."

He covered my hand with his. He lowered his head and I placed my other hand on his back, hoping that I could make him feel better somehow.

"I didn't know he did that until it was done. I didn't even know what time it was or how long I had been asleep. I hurt and at the time, I didn't care about anything else." I tried to explain why I let him lie to Emily.

"Bella, if you would have told them, they would have moved heaven and earth to get you out of there that day. They had their suspicions, even then. They wanted nothing more than to keep you safe. It's what they still want, but you made them think you didn't trust them enough with the truth."

"I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth," I whispered. "I didn't want them to know what I had gotten myself into."

"Emily knew. She said she always knew, well before you or Leah said anything."

"If she knew, why wouldn't she come to me? She wouldn't have let me go through that if she knew." His theories were a little far-fetched for me to believe.

"She loves you, Bella, and she thinks that if she would have stepped in at the beginning, you would have only stuck up for James…even Leah agrees with her."

"You may think that, but she would never have…"

I stopped when what he said really clicked. Emily said…Leah agrees. He'd seen them and talked to them and now I fucking knew where he was when he left. I pulled my hand out from under his and moved my hand up his back, into his hair. He flinched when my fist clenched in his hair.

"You stupid fucking son of a bitch!" I yelled as I slammed his head into the cement wall.

He was taller than me so I didn't have the leverage to keep him there, but it stunned him enough that I was able to sweep his legs out from under him. He crashed to the ground and I didn't hesitate to kick him.

"You had no fucking right!" I kicked him again, hitting his arm. "How dare you go looking for them?" I kicked again, he grabbed my foot.

I lost my balance and landed on the ground right next to him. I kicked at him so he would let go of my foot and moved fast until I was above him, punching every inch of him that he left open for me.

"They were safe!" A punch to the stomach. "I made sure they were safe!" A punch to the ribs. "You fucked that up!" My fist connected with his cheek.

"Stop, Bella. Please stop." He tried to catch my hands, but I pulled back too fast.

"Why couldn't you just leave them alone?" I shouted. My arms were like clubs now, beating his stomach and chest. "They have nothing to do with this!"

"For you, Bella." His words were strained.

He reached out again and was able to grab one of my hands. I used my free arm to swing again, hitting him just above his eye. I brought my hand back and was ready to swing again when I saw the drop of blood sliding down the side of his face, into his hair. The sight of it stopped me for just a second, but it was just long enough to give him the upper hand. He was quicker than I expected, knocking me onto my back and pinning my wrists to my sides before I registered his movement.

"Will you just listen!" he growled, sounding out of breath.

"Fuck you!"

Because he wasn't smart enough to cover my lower body, I surprised him by lifting my legs and twisting my body enough to knock him away from me. I was up fast, going after him again. I wasn't ready for how fast he was as he caught my shoulders and turned me into the wall.

"Calm the fuck down and listen!" he yelled at me.

"Listen to what…how you fucked shit up?"

He hadn't pinned my hands and I continued to fight against him. I landed a good hit to the side of his head, but it didn't seem to faze him.

"I did it for you, Bella."

He tried to grab my wrists, but I was fighting too much for him to get a good hold on me. He blocked every swing I threw at him.

"For me? You put my friends in danger for me?" I was out of breath and fighting the pain in my ribs.

"Stop and listen!"

He finally caught one wrist.

"They were safe and you fucked that up!"

I swung with a good shot to his stomach, making him grunt, but he didn't let go. As I brought my hand back, he caught my other wrist and pinned both arms above my head using only one hand. His free hand was on my chin, holding my face so I couldn't turn away.

"Get the fuck off me!" I fought against him but his grip was too tight and I couldn't get away.

"Are you done!"

"Don't you see what you did? If you can find them, then anyone can." I fought more but it was useless. "How can I keep them safe if I'm locked up in here?"

"Just shut up for one minute!"

"Like I'm going to listen to anything you…"

"You need them, Bella! I had to find them. I didn't have a choice!" He was still shouting.

I struggled harder to get away; he just pushed my hands harder into the wall and his grip on my chin tightened slightly. He leaned in close and all I could think about was how hard I had to bite him to make him let me go.

"You just don't get it! I need them to be safe!"

"James is fucking dead!" He slammed his hand on the wall next to me, making me jump. "He's the one you were hiding them from and he's fucking dead, Bella! You fucking killed him!"

He let me go with a jerk and turned his back on me. His reaction scared me and I was frozen in place against the wall. His hands were clenched into fists and he looked like he wanted to punch something.

"What the fuck aren't you telling me? Who else is there to be afraid of?" He whipped around to face me again and his murderous look had me stunned.

No words came out as I opened my mouth to speak. I felt my eyes fill with tears as I watched him change into someone 'James-like' right before my eyes. He rushed towards me and I instinctually ducked down, trying to hide as much of myself from him as possible.

"No, Bella, no." He sounded slightly panicked and lightly placed his hand on my back.

"Don't touch me," I choked out as I pulled away from his touch.

"God Bella, I'm sorry."

I felt his fingertips touch my leg and I scrambled away from him, but managed to back myself into the corner, curling myself in a ball. He was on his knees in front of me, apologizing repeatedly.

"I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to lose my temper. I only wanted to help you. All I've ever wanted to do is help you. Please, Bella." His hands were on my head. "Please look at me," he begged.

I just shook my head, not trusting my voice to speak. I felt him rest his head on the back of mine, and there was no more yelling as his words came out so low that I had to struggle to hear.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I never meant to hurt you. I went to find them so I could bring them here to help you. You need _their_ strength and _their_ love to help you get through this." He took a shuddering breath. "I'm trying so hard, but I'm not enough for you, Bella. You need them a hell of a lot more than you need me."

"No." I lifted my head, meeting his tear-filled eyes. "I do need you. Without you, I wouldn't have the strength to talk about this…to get through this. I'm using _your_ strength to keep going. You've made it your mission to save me, remember."

His hands slipped to my cheeks and I covered them with mine. Seconds of silence passed as my eyes held his and I saw the same emotion that I'd caught glimpses of in the past month. The emotion that Paul put a name to…love.

"After all this time, please don't quit on me now."

"I'll never leave you."

His lips were on mine in a movement so quick that I was stunned into stillness. Without much hesitation, my wide eyes closed and my lips responded to his as I gave in to his kiss. His lips were soft, the kiss was slow and sweet and my body moved involuntarily to get closer to him. But the second I did, he released me and backed away.

"Oh God, Bella, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry." The rejection in his voice stung and the speed he used to back away made it worse.

I was left sitting on the floor alone as I watched him hurry to the table and start angrily throwing things into his briefcase, mumbling words like 'stupid' and 'shouldn't have' under his breath. My confusion over what just happened had me frozen, unable to move or speak. I didn't imagine that look of love in his eyes or the kiss that confirmed his feelings, so I didn't understand why he was rushing to leave.

The noise of him slamming the briefcase shut brought me back to my senses and I looked to see him walking toward the metal door. My mouth opened and closed a few times as he got closer to it. I didn't want him to go.

"Stop." My dry throat pushed out the word too quiet for him to hear.

His arm rising to knock on the door was like slow motion and I had to force the word out.

"Stop," I said as loud as I could.

He froze and dropped his arm, but he wouldn't turn to face me. My brain wasn't working, not giving me the right words to make him stay. Right or wrong, I said the first words that came to mind.

"Don't leave me, Carlisle. I need you."

* * *

***screams from behind rock* Please don't hate me. I know you all wanted him to be Edward, but this is really the way it has to be. I needed my counselor to be the compassionate man, which Carlisle is, but he also needed to be able to get into the arguments with Bella, pushing her to the brink and then be able to pull her back again. Carlisle is the only one I can see being able to do this for her. *****peeks out, hoping it's safe* I hope you all stick with me as Bella starts to get into the heart of her story. She's definitely going to need all of her strength and Carlisle's to get through the rest.**

As always, I want to take the time to give a few quick recs of some great stories I'm reading.

**The first story is a set of drabbles that follows Charlie, Sarah & Billy and Sue & Harry as they deal with their kids growing up. This story will definitely draw you in. Check it out:** **Pieces of the Memories written by audreyii_fic. **http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6910700/1/Pieces_of_the_Memories

**The second story has one of the most original plots I've read in a really long time The action starts in the first chapter and just gets better the more you read. Run to this one. You won't be sorry: Order of the Seers written by LittleWing2**

**Summary:** Captured for their gift, enslaved for their power, a group of individuals, known as Seers, struggle to rebuild the lives that were stolen from them and take down the institution that wants them back, at any cost. http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6825800/1/Order_of_the_Seers

**And finally, I can't forget my boys. Edward and Jasper just own me. So it makes me wonder what took me so long to get to this story. Now that I've started, I can't stop. If you love these two as much as I do, you absolutely cannot skip this story: Marked written by Whitlock-Masen**

**Summary:** Edward Masen is a self-sufficient, independently wealthy man with a PhD in Social Anthropology. When he meets a man named Jasper, he is shaken by the disappointment he feels when Jasper is apparently an :/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5465716/1/Marked


	14. No More Secrets

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.**

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

Thanks as always to Loulabelle and AgoodWITCH, my most awesome pre-reader and beta. I love you two so very much. I can't forget all my WC girls for all the encouragement. Ladies, you are the best. Love ya tons.

* * *

**Chapter 14 – No More Secrets**

**January 4, 2010**

"You're right, Carlisle."

My voice was still no more than a whisper, but I knew he heard me. He didn't move, he didn't turn, but he was listening. I knew he was…I hoped he was…I prayed he was.

"I've fought against him so hard and for so long that it's hard to let it all go, but you're right."

I moved to lean my back against the wall, hugging my legs tightly to my chest, my eyes pinned to his back. He still hadn't moved a muscle.

"I never wanted them to be found, but you're right, with James gone," I took a deep breath, "I don't have a reason to protect them anymore. You have to understand, I love them more than anything. I didn't even care about myself anymore when I left; every move I made was to keep him away from them."

His shoulders dropped a little, but it was a move I didn't miss. I knew he was listening.

"I didn't want to tell you about them, not until I had no other choice." My voice cracked and he finally turned. "You've seen them, you have to know how hard it…"

My eyes zeroed in on the trail of blood running from the cut over his eye and the guilt crushed me. My forehead hit my knees hard and I cried at the thought of hurting one more person.

"Never mind. Just go…just leave," I said without looking at him. "Look what I did to them…to James…to you…I deserve to be here."

One hand touched my arms while the other rested on the back of my hair. I didn't even hear him move a single step and definitely not enough to be sitting right next to me.

"Bella, I've told you, you were pushed to the edge; you didn't have a choice. It was either him or you."

I looked up to see his face less than a foot from mine.

"I did." I paused. "I could have kept running."

"No, Bella, you couldn't. He would have found you again. He would have hurt someone else." His eyes narrowed slightly with what looked like pain. "Knowing what happened to Emily and Jake now, I know you would have never let that happen again…to anyone."

His last two words broke me and tore down every wall I had. Tears flooded my eyes now and there was no holding them back.

"That's not true. I failed…so badly."

His arms encircled me, holding me tight and I buried my face in his chest.

"It's why I did it. He kept coming. He found me again. He took away the last thing I had in this world." I pushed away and met his eyes when he looked down at me. "I couldn't take any more after that. I had to end it."

"Bella, you can't hold back anymore." His fingers brushed my cheek. "You know I'm here for you and I would do anything for you, right?"

I nodded.

"Do you trust me?"

I nodded again. He leaned in to kiss my forehead and pulled back to look at me.

"Tell me, Bella. Tell me everything. Don't hold anything back." He grabbed and held my hand. "I'll be with you every step of the way. It doesn't matter what it is or how hard it is, I want to help you get through this."

I stared at our joined hands for a minute before looking up at him.

"You won't judge me."

He shook his head.

"No matter what I tell you, you say you'll be on my side."

"Yes. No matter what."

"Why?" I asked. I couldn't believe he could be that forgiving.

"What do you mean, why?" He turned my question back on me.

I glared at him. He knew what I wanted to know. After meeting my stare for a few seconds, he exhaled.

"I care about you, Bella. You can't tell me that you don't know, that you haven't seen it, that you can't feel it. There's no way I can hide it anymore…not after today."

"Carlisle, I can't say that I accept that, not right now," I admitted the truth.

He dropped his eyes and I had to put some distance between us to explain this right. Pushing away from him and standing up gave me the chance to clear my head a little after everything that had already taken place today.

"Come and sit with me, please."

I moved to the table and waited until he joined me to sit down…on the same side of the table. Facing my chair towards his, I ducked a little to catch his eyes.

"Listen to me when I say this. I _have_ seen it and I know you care about me." I sat up slowly so his eyes would follow me. "But right now, you care about the girl you feel sorry for."

He tried to interrupt, but I put my fingers to his lips to stop him.

"Let me finish." He nodded once. "You care about the girl who used to be innocent, the girl who used to be happy and the girl who could still act like a kid when she saw fireworks." I took a deep breath. "But I'm not that girl anymore."

"You are, Bella. You just have to find yourself again." He thought he could convince me.

"No, I'm not. I'm the girl who's had to stare down the barrel of a gun, the girl who's had to fight for her life more than once and I'm the girl who took another man's life and I'm not sorry for it."

I held his face in my hands, staring directly into his eyes, hoping he listened.

"Before you can say you care about me, you have to know all of me. You have to know how much of my heart he took away and the hateful, vindictive part of me he left behind."

He stayed silent as I slid my hands down to grab his hands.

"Once you've heard it all and know everything I've done and everything I'm capable of doing…if you still care about me, then, and only then, should you make that choice."

He squeezed my hand just before he pulled me to him for another kiss. It was sweet and he didn't linger this time. With his forehead pressed to mine, he spoke.

"I can see the real you, Bella. You're still here." He laid his hand on my cheek. "There's nothing you can tell me that will change how I feel for you. You're only at risk for making it stronger."

"You can't say that. You're the type of person that works on facts and makes conclusions based on those facts. When you know the whole story, things will change. It's not something you can argue because it's inevitable for you to see me as a different person. There isn't anyone who wouldn't." I sat back in my chair. "You may not think you will, but it's impossible not to, even you can't deny that."

"Bella, there isn't much more you can tell me that I don't already know. You've told me about the good girl you used to be, you've shown me the vulnerable girl and you've definitely shown me the tough girl you are now. I haven't yet found a part of you that I don't like." He touched my cheek again. "Everything that's happened to you has made you into the amazing _woman_ in front of me today, and she's the woman I care about."

"You can't like me if I don't like myself." Something had to get through to him.

"Sure I can." His answer was simple. "And I can help with that."

"How?" I asked.

"You've already said it, Bella. I work on facts and based on what you have yet to tell me, I'll make my final conclusions, but I have a feeling they'll lead me to the same conclusions I've already made. From there, it will be my pleasure to show you how wrong you are and how hard you are being on yourself. I won't let you take the responsibility for all of this alone."

He laughed and I was sure it was at the confused look on my face.

"Bella, you had no choice. One of you was going to kill the other before this was over. And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that he knew it too. In his mind, no one was going to take you away from him. You belonged to him and if he couldn't have you, then no one would. Psychotic ideas, I know, but they seemed to be what he lived by."

He sat back in his own chair now, looking more relaxed.

"He believed Emily and Jake were trying to keep you away from him and he knew attacking your friends, whether it was verbal or physical, would scare you enough that you wouldn't dare leave him." He took a breath. "It was all about manipulation, that was his game and he played it well."

I smirked and he raised his eyebrow in question.

"He was good at playing games and every one of them was meant to keep me tied to him."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"He was playing his little games from the beginning, but it wasn't until after New Year's Eve that he discovered one of his favorite games."

_~..~..~..~..~..~__..~..~..~..~..~_

_**January 2006**_

_It took me a little more than a week to heal, not completely but enough that I was able to go back to work. Because I missed six days, I had to use my sick leave and God knows how James was able to produce a doctor's release for me when they asked for one, but it covered my tracks enough that I didn't get in any trouble._

_While I healed, I did everything in my power to hide from the world. I had to cancel a couple of dinners with the girls. I waited until dark to get the mail out of the box. I even went as far as having our groceries delivered. I would leave the money in a box outside the door and the bags would be left on the bench next to it. Unfortunately, that caused a problem all its own._

_One afternoon the delivery was really late which caused dinner to be late. I remembered the last time I put dinner on the table late and I was afraid of what he would do this time. I got off lucky though because he didn't lay a hand on me that time. I got the silent treatment, but with James, it wasn't as simple as him just not talking to me._

_For three days, he treated me like I didn't exist. There was never a glance in my direction or a word spoken to me. I would have dinner on the table every night, but he would either bring food home with him or get something out of the fridge and eat it even though his plate was sitting in front of him. At night when we were watching TV and he was ready for bed, he would turn it off and walk out of the room, flipping the lights off on his way out._

_After a couple of days, I got tired of his treatment. So after another night of being left alone in the dark, I decided to sleep in the guest room. In truth, I didn't get much sleep, tossing and turning all night out of aggravation. I wasn't exactly sure when my eyes closed for good, but it felt like only seconds had passed before I felt the gentle shake of my shoulder._

_"Bella," James whispered, shaking a bit harder. "Bella. Babe, what are you doing in here?"_

_I struggled to pry my eyes open, seeing James next to the bed. It was still dark outside, but it was easy to see that it was closer to sunrise. I was exhausted and done playing his little game._

_"Leave me alone," I groaned and rolled away from him._

_"Come on, Bella." He slipped into the bed behind me, nuzzling my neck. "It's lonely in that big bed without you."_

_His hand started to slide over my waist. I brushed it off and scooted away from him._

_"Don't be that way. Come on, please come back to bed," he begged._

_He touched my shoulder and I jerked away, too tired to deal with his bullshit anymore._

_"You haven't cared if I was in bed with you or not for two days. You can deal with one more." I made a big deal of settling into the pillows just so he knew I wasn't moving. "Now, be quiet and let me sleep."_

_He didn't say another word and he didn't attempt to touch me again in the few minutes that it took me to fall back asleep._

_Hours later, I opened my eyes to a bright, sunlit room. I was hot and my body felt heavy. It had only been a week and I knew I was still feeling the after effects of the beating he gave me, but this was pressure; definitely a different feeling than how I felt waking up every other day. Picking up my head to look around me, I heard a chuckle behind me._

_"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty." James voice was light and playful, confusing the hell out of me._

_It had been days since I heard it, so I definitely didn't expect to hear it like this. He was draped across my back grinning like a kid. My eyes caught his for a second and they were sparkling. He looked happy…happier than I'd seen him since New Year's Eve._

_He lifted himself off of me when I moved my body a little in an attempt to get up. James moved to the middle of the bed, still smiling at me. His behavior was unnerving and I had to get away for a minute. I threw the covers back, swinging my legs over the edge and pushing to lift myself from the bed. Again being in some strange playful mood, James grabbed me around the waist, pulling me back down to him._

_"Where do you think you're going?" he asked._

_When I didn't answer right away, he maneuvered himself so he was straddling my legs with his arms on either side of my body, caging me in._

_"What if I'm not ready for you to be away from me yet?" His voice hinted at seduction, making his intentions clear._

_I hadn't let him touch me like that since I woke up, looking and feeling like I had lost a match with ten of the biggest heavyweights in the boxing world. I cringed when he came near me, but I just couldn't find it in me to let him get that close. Now I was stuck and the look in his eyes told me he had no intention of letting me get away, but I tried anyway._

_"James, get off me," I said, hoping my voice was steady enough to let him know I was serious._

_"No," he teased with a grin just before he leaned in, touching his lips to my neck._

_I shivered at the feel of his kiss, liking it more than I should right now and hating myself at the same time for how my body responded to it. His kissed his way up to my ear._

_"I've missed you, babe." His whisper made my stomach clench while I fought to keep my hands from reaching for him._

_The bed shifted as he put one leg between mine, nudging them open a little. At the same time, his lips brushed along my neck to the other ear._

_"I want you so much, Bella," he whispered again, just before his tongue touched my ear. "I need you."_

_His other leg went between mine, spreading my legs farther. He was whispering in my ear again as he lowered himself on top of me. He knew what he was doing to me and my heart was beating wildly in my chest, my hands gripping the sheets as I fought the urge to touch him._

_"Let me make love to you. Let me make you feel good again."_

_I gasped when his hips began to move against me and my body betrayed me completely. My hands found their way under his shirt and I wrapped one leg around his._

_"That's it, baby." His hot breath caressed my neck a second before his lips were parting mine for a deep kiss._

_I gave in to him and when we were done, we crawled back under the blankets and fell back asleep._

_My eyes opened slowly and the light in the room was dimming a little. I rubbed the heel of my hands into my eyes gently to clear them and I heard a very light snore next to me. James was still sleeping and I took a moment to watch him. He looked so innocent just lying there, nothing sinister about him. Nothing to indicate he was truly the evil person I had been making him out to be for the past week._

_My hand made its way into his hair slowly and just as my fingers made contact, his head tilted and he licked his lips and made a contented humming sound. He lost his temper one time, I could deal with that. This sweet man in bed with me now was my James and I was glad to have him back. I leaned in to touch my lips to his, snuggled into his chest and fell back asleep._

___~..~..~..~..~..~__..~..~..~..~..~_

"That's the way things went for us for the next month or so. James would find something to get mad at me for and give me his version of the silent treatment. He didn't lay a hand on me again. I think he was having too much fun playing his new game with me." I shook my head.

"If I would have realized that that was all it was, I would have never…" My breathing picked up as I began to hate myself all over again.

"Never what, Bella?" His voice sounded a million miles away as the sound of my heartbeat filled my ears.

I curled in on myself, leaning over with my hands holding fists full of hair, pulling as I remembered that month. I couldn't believe I let him manipulate me like that. After a few deep breaths, I leaned back in my chair, hanging my head over the back, eyes closed and hands still pulling.

I felt his hand touch my knee. "Bella, please…no holding back, remember."

"He got me to beg," I whispered.

"What?"

A tear trickled down my right temple, running into my hair. I loosened my grip just a little.

"After the third time, I couldn't take it anymore, so I begged him. I begged him to talk to me, look at me, to touch me. I begged for anything I could get."

"Now I know why he liked it so much," he muttered to himself.

I lifted my head to see him with his head down, leaning on his elbows with his hands clasped in front of him.

"Control." We said the word together.

"It was his ultimate control…making me beg. It was what he lived for. He fed off of it and after the first time, he had me begging for everything, taking my dignity in the process." My eyes found the floor while I continued. "I was ashamed of what I turned into when I was with him, and it was because of that, that he was able to get away with everything he did."

"What does that even mean? What…"

Two hard knocks on the door interrupted his next question.

"That story is going to have to wait for another day."

I got up to move the chair to the other side of the table, but he grabbed my arm to stop me.

"Are you okay? I really am sorry for everything…you know…earlier." He stumbled over his words, completely unlike him.

I laid my hand on top of his and squeezed lightly. "Don't worry about me, Counselor."

His face fell slightly and I wanted to laugh at his expression, but I wanted him to know I was serious. I squeezed his hand a little more.

"I told you, Carlisle, no more stalling, remember? Tomorrow, my life is an open book, but I'm warning you, you're not going to like what's in it."

_~..~..~..~..~..~_

Today had already been so full of surprises, so Whitlock stopping in an empty hallway on the way back to my cell shouldn't have surprised me. But when he did and then turned to talk to me, I was shocked beyond belief.

"I have to know you're okay." His face was serious, eyes pinning me in place.

I opened my mouth but no words came out. This was so far from his normal silent behavior that I didn't know what to say.

"I heard a lot of your argument and I saw the cut over his eye. I need to know that you're okay. He didn't hurt you did he?" His eyes darkened for a split second. "I can go along with a lot of things but if he laid a hand on you, all bets are off."

Before I had a chance to answer, he turned his head to the sound of footsteps coming in our direction. He grabbed my arm, pulling me a few steps down the hall.

"Quit dragging your feet, Swan. Move…now," he ordered.

I was too confused to even bother fighting him at the moment. I just let him drag me down the hall. He was moving slow, not really trying to move me along at all, so when the other guard passed us, he stopped again, leaning me against the wall.

"We don't have a lot of time, Bella. I need to hear the truth. Did he hurt you?" His voice was demanding, his hand was on my shoulder and he was leaning a bit to put himself at eye level with me.

"No. He didn't touch me. He never would. How could you even think…?" I was more confused than I had ever been. "What the hell are you talking about and what do you mean 'all bets are off'?" I fired all my questions at him.

He straightened up again then used his hands to pull me away from the wall.

"That's all I need to know," he said. His whole appearance changed back to the quiet, non-talkative, hard man that he had been since I got here.

He led me back to my cell without hesitation and I tried to ask a question or two, wanting desperately to know what the hell went on back in that hallway. Whitlock refused to talk. He simply left me with a "dinner is in thirty minutes" before I was alone again. Now more than ever, I hoped to God Paul was able to talk tonight because I needed help and I would wait up all night if I had to, to get it.

_~..~..~..~..~..~_

For all of Whitlock's angry words about me being distracted, how could he not think his words and their meaning wouldn't cause me to lose focus?

"_All bets are off."_

What the fuck does that even mean? Could he be more annoying, leaving me hanging like that? Needless to say, I wasn't at my most attentive during dinner. I wasn't completely out of it the way I had been at Christmas, but I was sure I was missing out on some things around me.

Two things actually caught my eye and helped bring my mind back to the room I was in. First, I saw Paul across the room with a tense look on his face. His hand shifted to his gun and his body pivoted slightly in my direction. The action seemed off until I noticed Victoria and her little bitch walking directly toward my table. My guard was up immediately and I steadied myself to deal with her bullshit.

I wasn't going to wait for her to get close, so I spoke up first.

"What the fuck do you want, bitch?" I smirked. "I know you're not looking for another trip the hospital wing."

"Fuck you, whore. I've put your ass there twice and I won't hesitate to send you a third time." Her anger was barely contained.

She made this so easy, I just had to push. I leaned back in my chair, arms crossed over my chest and one foot on the table. "You think you're good enough to go for a third, bring it on, bitch. And don't forget to bring your little girlfriend 'cause you're gonna need her."

Jane came a step closer and I stood so she didn't have the upper hand. Her mouth opened but I cut off whatever she was planning to say.

"But I promise you, I will kill you faster than the asshole whose blood ran like water the minute my knife sliced his throat."

The evil tone I used was one I picked up from James and I learned to use it well. It left no doubt to the seriousness of my threat and for a single second, fear crossed Victoria's face. She fought it back quickly, but not before I caught it.

I grinned, knowing it would piss her off even more. "That's what I thought. You're all fucking talk, Victoria. Now I suggest you _run_," I emphasized the word, "before you find out exactly how far I will go to get rid of you and your blonde bitch."

"Watch your back, Swan." She started to back away. "I told you, this shit ain't over."

"Then I'll be the one to end it," I said to her back as she walked away.

_~..~..~..~..~..~_

I spent the rest of the night thinking about _him_; his words, his eyes, his hands and his lips. The feeling flowing through me was so confusing, yet so familiar. I wasn't ready to deal with anything like this. I didn't know the exact time but Paul should be coming through here soon. I needed to talk this through. I just hoped this wouldn't be like the past several days and he would actually have the time to sit with me for a bit.

The click of his shoes had me jumping out of bed with my mirror in hand to make sure it was really him. I crawled to my spot on the floor and slowly pushed the mirror through the bars. It was him and my hand instantly went through the bars, tapping the floor impatiently. When I didn't hear the quiet tapping noise of his signal, my heart leapt and I threw the mirror on my bed and waited the few seconds it would take him to get to me.

A soft laugh caught my ears, making me smile and it grew wider when I heard his voice.

"Those fingers move any faster and they might fall off." I looked up and saw his smile. "I know…I've missed you too."

"I hate going so long without seeing you," I confessed. "You're my sanity in this place."

He took my hand as soon as he sat down and just his touch settled my nerves. He looked in my eyes and I was sure he saw how frantic my thoughts were because he frowned a little.

"Missing me is one thing, but this is more than that, Bella." He gripped my hand tighter. "Tell me."

"I don't even know where to start," I answered.

"You fought with him today, didn't you?"

My eyes narrowed. I never understood how he knew me so well. Words weren't always necessary with Paul, he seemed to just know what was going on.

"How did you guess?" I asked.

He grinned at me. "It's written all over your face, Bella. Was it bad?"

"God, you don't even want to know." My eyes went to the floor again.

"Hey," he reached in to lift my chin, "it can't be that bad. Tell me."

One look from him and I always had the confidence to say anything. I knew I could tell him anything and he would keep my secrets.

"I hurt him, Paul." My forehead creased with my frown as I remembered the trail of blood dripping from the cut above his eye.

"I'm sure he'll get over it," he said, completely missing my point.

"No, Paul, I mean I really hurt him. It was more than an argument this time and he ended up bleeding." I admitted, ashamed.

"Did he hurt you, Bella?" He looked angry.

He reached in, grabbing my chin and turning my head from side to side to look for marks. When he tried to grab my arm to look there, I stopped him. His reaction surprised me more than Whitlock's did and I couldn't believe they both assumed the same thing.

"Stop. He didn't hurt me. He would never lay a hand on me, not like that anyway." I defended his actions for the second time today.

"You better not be lying to me, Bella. If he hurt you, he's going to have to deal with me. I won't let anyone…" He was getting himself worked up.

"Paul, stop and listen, please." I brought both of his hands together in my lap. "He didn't lay a hand on me." I held his eyes with mine. "I would never lie to you about something like that. I promise."

He studied me for a second and I saw his body relax as he made the decision to believe me. I knew it was safe to continue.

"It had already been a tense day when I walked in there. Whitlock was acting strange and it put me more on edge. Then the look on his face after Whitlock walked out made me more nervous than anything. I knew something was going on, but I couldn't put my finger on it." I paused to take a breath.

I waited for him to say something, but just like always, Paul just listened, letting me get everything out without comment. So I kept talking.

"I went through the memories I knew I had to share with him and when I was done, he was visibly upset."

"What did you tell him?" he asked, quietly.

"I told him about the first time James hit me." I shifted my position and changed the subject. "Anyway, I didn't expect that kind of reaction out of him and I felt…sorry for him. I felt this urge to comfort him. When I was trying to calm him, he was talking about how bothered he was by what I said. He started talking about my friends and how he couldn't believe I didn't tell them."

I took a few deep breaths and he squeezed my hand for support, letting me know he was there for me like he always did.

"I missed it at first. I was so busy trying to explain my actions and make him feel better that I completely missed what he had said. And, while I've been sitting here tonight, I realized it wasn't the first time either. He did it before and I completely missed it." I was repeating myself now.

"Wait, slow down. Missed what exactly?" He pulled on my arm to make me focus on him.

I stared him right in the eye as I spoke. "The way he talked about them. He was referring to them in the present tense. He was talking about them like he knew them and I realized that he had gone to see them." I felt a little of the anger come back but fought against it. "You remember when he left at Christmas?"

He nodded.

"He went there. He found them and he went there to talk to them." I shook my head. "I hid them from everything that could hurt them. I begged them to move. I changed their identities. I thought I took care of everything and he found them so easily."

"Bella, I'm sure your efforts would have been enough to keep other people from finding them, but you don't know his assistant. So I'm going to guess you didn't take the news well and that's how he ended up bleeding." The way he spoke made the sentence into a question.

"Yeah. Something snapped and I attacked him. I shoved his head into the wall and started punching and kicking any part of him that he didn't cover up. I wanted to hurt him for exposing them and putting them in danger like that." Shame coursed through me as I thought about the lengths I was willing to go to actually hurt him.

"Bella, you have to know how irrational that is, right? From everything you've told me, James was the only threat against them. Finding them now won't hurt anyone."

Of course, he saw the big picture right away. I was just a little too emotional at the time to figure it out.

"Yeah he gave me a really strong reminder of that fact," I said sarcastically without offering an explanation. "After things calmed down, we were able to talk it through and I finally made the decision to just tell him everything." I shrugged.

"One little conversation and you're ready to tell your whole life story. I don't buy it, Bella." He looked suspicious. "You might be able to get someone else to believe that, but I know the two of you better than that. You're both stubborn as all hell and neither one of you are going to back down that easily."

"I know how much he wanted you to talk and he was willing to go to any length to make it happen. And I know you, Bella, you would have done the exact opposite to keep it from him."

Remembering how well he knew me, it didn't surprise me how fast he picked up on my words. I hid from his stare and his finger under my chin brought me back again.

"What are you not telling me?" He sounded angry. "Don't lie to me, Bella. I can tell when you're hiding shit from me. What did he do?"

I would swear my entire chest, neck and face was red with the force of the blush that hit me. My reaction surprised me. This is exactly what I wanted to talk to him about, so I didn't know why it was suddenly so embarrassing to say.

Ripping my hands away from his to cover my rising blush, I mumbled the words into my hands so fast that there was no way he understood me.

"Bella." He pulled my hands away, losing patience.

"He kissed me," I whispered.

"He did what?" His eyes were wide, there was no possible way he didn't hear me.

Hoping to find some courage, I squared my shoulders and said it again. "He kissed me. It was after our fight."

He had one eyebrow raised.

"He was yelling at me, louder than he ever did before and when his face changed, it scared me. I did what I normally do and tried to get away and hide. Obviously that plan didn't do me any good." I rushed through this as fast as I could. "When he figured out what was wrong, he apologized over and over again. Then one thing led to another, I begged him not to give up on me and he kissed me."

I was agonizing over my explanation while Paul sat there smiling.

"Well, I guess he figured out one more option, didn't he? So much for his plan." He laughed a little too loud and his hand flew to his mouth.

I shook my head at his reaction, but soon realized that what he said seemed off. "What did you say?"

He quit the laughter as soon as he saw me jump to my feet. The movement was so quick I had to balance myself on the bars and he grabbed my wrists.

"Bella, what's wrong? Are you okay?" He was on his knees, his face worried.

"What plan? What the fuck are you talking about?" I raised my voice as high as I could without drawing attention.

"No Bella, that's not…" Shock crossed his face. "I didn't say… he didn't…fuck!" He didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't want to go along with it."

"With what?" I struggled against his arms, but he wouldn't let me go.

"We were just protecting you, Bella. We wanted to keep you…"

"You what?" I pulled harder with no success. "You're my friend. You're supposed to be on my side."

"I am. I swear I…"

"No! You've been spying on me." My heart was breaking one last time. "So what…you get me to tell you everything and then you go to him and you have a big laugh over it."

I grabbed his wrists now and held on as tight as I could.

"This has all been one big fucking lie. You've never been my friend. You've been using me to get information."

"No, I…"

"He can't get it himself so he had to find someone who could, and I fell for it. I trusted you." Tears were streaming down my face. "I trusted you and you were working for him all this time."

I pulled as hard as I could on his wrists and since he wasn't expecting it, his head slammed into the iron bars. Reflex took over and my arm wrapped around his neck, holding him to the bars while I punched him.

"I fucking hate you!" I screamed. "You're just like the rest of them!"

He pushed me a step away and my grip loosened a bit. He somehow managed to turn himself around but I still had my hold on his neck. My fist clamped on the bar, giving me the strength to keep him in place as I choked him.

He was sputtering, asking me to stop, but I was seeing red. I was betrayed by the one person I trusted and he was going to pay. Then something hit me out of the blue.

"Whitlock is in on it, isn't he?"

"Bel…" More sputtering.

"Isn't he?" I screamed and tried to pull tighter.

I vaguely registered the commotion around me as the other inmates started hollering.

"Bel-la…l-let…go," he choked out.

I could feel the spit on my arm as he tried to talk. He clawed at my arm, but there was no way I was letting go.

The electric shock hit me and my body jerked away from the bars. I was on the ground in a second and I saw Paul on his hands and knees as the cell door opened. Black shoes came toward me just before I felt myself being lifted off the ground and carried away.

* * *

***cringing behind the rock* I'm sorry for all my girls who love Paul. Please believe me when I say that I love him too…so much, but Bella really needed to know the truth. She had a long day and that little piece of information pushed her over the edge. Will Bella ever be able to trust any of them again? How will this affect her decision to start telling Carlisle her story?**

**Thanks for sticking with me. Please let me know what you think, good or bad, I always appreciate it. Until next time...much love to you - D**

Unfortunately, I haven't had the time to read many new stories lately. So, I really only have one rec for you this time around.

**This is for my boys. I don't know if you're fans of Edward/Jasper stories like I am, but this one grabbed my heart from the beginning and didn't let go. This truly is a great love story and it needs to be shared. This story is short and it's complete. Give it a chance. You'll love it: Drenched by MizzHyde**

http:/www. fanfiction .net/s/7062373/1/Drenched


	15. The Whole Truth

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.**

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to my new pre-reader, CherylSab. You're the best, darlin. And another big thank you to AgoodWITCH for your awesome beta work. I love you two so very much. **

**A/N: I want to say how very, very sorry I am for taking so long to update. The story wasn't flowing for me and I had to take a step back. I am back on track now and pushing out the chapters with more ease. I will do my best to keep up and not make you wait months for another update again.**

* * *

_**Chapter 14 Recap**: After their fight and the kiss, Carlisle finally admitted to caring about Bella. She, of course, wasn't willing to accept his affections because she doesn't think she's worthy of it. Once they talked, she did finally agree to open to him completely, which was a big step for her, and the first story she shared was about James' newest form of punishment._

_Also, the ever silent Jasper finally spoke, concerned about Bella after overhearing the fight. She found herself defending Carlisle when Jasper asked if she was hurt. Unfortunately, the short conversation left Bella more confused than anything._

_During dinner, Bella found herself in yet another argument with Victoria. Not wanting to let Victoria get the upper hand, Bella delivered a threat that caused Victoria to stop and take a step back. It didn't deter her completely though and she gave a threat of her own before walking away._

_That night, Bella and Paul were able to talk. His reaction to the fight matched Jasper's confusing Bella again. But after talking some more, Bella told him that she was going to tell Carlisle everything and after some coaxing, she told him about the kiss. Paul was excited that she agreed to open up which meant that Carlisle didn't have to go through with his plan. But his excitement caused him to say a little more than he should have and Bella picked up on it. She figured out what was going on and flipped out, attacking Paul and bringing the rest of the guards down on her._

_Now on with the story…_

**Chapter 15 – The Whole Truth**

**Alice**

**January 5, 2010**

The ringing phone woke me up but Jasper answered it after the second ring, so I rolled back over to go back to sleep. My eyes closed and I nuzzled my face back into my pillow.

"Are you kidding me?"

Jasper's loud, angry voice made me jump and had me fully awake. I rubbed my eyes and glanced at the clock; three-thirty in the morning. _Who the hell was calling this late?_

"What the hell happened?" he growled. He sat quiet for a minute before he yelled, "Fuck!"

I switched on the light and turned to put a hand on his back and shoulder. I could feel the tension in his body. This was bad.

"Jasper?" I whispered but he just waved me off.

"How long?"

He sat still with his elbow sitting on his propped up knee and his hand in his hair.

"Fine... fine… okay!" His voice got louder with each word he spoke. "We'll figure it out tomorrow."

He hung up the phone and swung his arm like he wanted to throw it across the room.

"Jasper." I was panicking now. "Jasper, what happened?"

"What the hell was she thinking?" He was talking to himself.

He tossed his phone on the nightstand and both hands had a grip on his hair.

"Jasper," I said, more forceful than before. He finally looked at me. "What happened? Why are you…?"

"She attacked Paul," Jasper said as he flopped back down on the bed.

"She did what?" I couldn't believe what he was telling me.

"Got herself thrown in solitary for five fucking days." He punched the headboard once.

"Why would she…" It was too early in the morning to think about this.

"She knows, Alice!" he yelled. "Fucking Paul couldn't keep his mouth shut."

"No, Jasper. He cares about her too much. He wouldn't just come out and tell her like that." I shook my head.

There was no way he was going to make me believe that Paul would hurt Bella like that. He was the first one to stand up and fight for her when they came up with that idiotic plan to make Bella talk. He was always protective of her.

"He didn't…not in so many words at least." He finally turned, propped himself up on his elbow and focused on me. "They were actually having a good conversation, talking about why she finally decided to open up. He said he made a comment about Carlisle's plan, without even realizing he said it. Bella picked up on it and just flipped out."

I groaned, thinking of what she could have possibly done to him from her cell. Jasper, knowing where my mind went, like always, answered my unspoken question.

"She caught him off guard and choked him through the bars. He's supposed to go see the warden tomorrow to tell his side. He's freaked because he doesn't know what to say." He sat up again and turned to face me. "We have to tell Carlisle…before the warden does." He frowned.

I sat up next to him and he grabbed my hand.

"I can't tell him, Jasper," I said, shaking my head. "You didn't see him today. He came back to the office on cloud nine. He was talking a mile a minute, telling me everything that happened. He was happier than I've ever seen him." I paused. "I can't tell him this, Jasper, he'll lose it."

"Don't worry, darlin'. I'll take care of it." He wrapped his arm around me and kissed my forehead. "You go back to sleep. I have a couple calls I have to make."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Just before 8am, Jasper and I were walking out of Starbucks with everyone's favorite coffee. After Paul's call last night, Jasper called in to work to take a sick day. With Bella safe in solitary, he felt this was where he needed to be today. He said he would be more of a help to her working with us than he would be at the prison.

We pulled into the parking lot and I was completely surprised that we were the last ones there. I would bet every dime I had to say that Carlisle didn't sleep at all after Jasper's call last night. I would even go so far as to say he'd already been here for hours, going over every single detail to not only get Paul out of this mess, but to find a way to get Bella out of it without severe consequences.

"…gone on long enough. Her actions last night are just what the prosecutor needs to prove his case." Carlisle was saying as we walked through the door. "Whether you want to tell me or not, I need to know exactly what happened and what was said last night. I can't help either of you if…"

The phone rang, cutting off his sentence. I peeked my head in the door so he knew we were here. He waved us in just after he answered.

"Cullen Law," he spoke before listening to the voice on the other end. "Yes, Sir...Yes, Sir."

By the look on his face, there was no question that the warden was on the other end, so we made our way into the room quietly and waited. He was furious, I could see it in his face. He was grinding his teeth, which was more of an uncomfortable habit whenever he got nervous or really upset. I noticed Paul, standing by the window in the corner, hands in his pocket and his head hanging down. I could see how bothered he was by this so, while Carlisle was on the phone, I walked up to him, putting my hand on his back for comfort.

"Hey Alice," he mumbled without looking at me.

"How are you?" I saw the small, bluish-purple marks that Bella left on his neck.

He shook his head and moved away from me. "I fucked this up so bad," he whispered. "I can't believe… She was so hurt, Alice."

"It wasn't your fault, Paul. You can't take this all on yourself." I looked over my shoulder to make sure Carlisle was still on the phone. He was; I was safe. "She was bound to figure it out sooner or later. I just wish he would have told her himself." I whispered the last part, not wanting anyone but Paul to hear me.

"I think I know a way to fix…" He dropped his sentence the second we heard the receiver fall into place.

"Sit down." His voice was cutting. "We have a lot to talk about?"

In five and a half years I had never heard him sound so serious or angry. He'd walked in here so many times ranting after his fights with Bella and each time I picked up on his frustration, but there was never anger. Now he was downright livid.

"Explain _exactly_ what happened last night and tell me how on earth you managed to not only give everything away but also let her get her hands on you. Something like that _shouldn't _happen."

"That's not fair, Carlisle," I interrupted. "You can't blame…"

"No Alice, he's right. I messed up…bad." Paul's hand was on my arm to keep me from speaking. "Like I told Jasper last night, Bella and I were having a relaxed conversation. She was explaining your meeting to me. She told me about your fight," he said, addressing Carlisle. "How you let your anger get the better of you…you really scared her."

Paul and Carlisle locked eyes when he told him how he made Bella feel and I felt bad for both of them in that moment. They were each trying to hold so much emotion back, but in that instant, it was written all over their faces.

"Anyway, I knew there was something she was keeping from me, so I made her tell me what it was. I was actually surprised when she told me you kissed her. I didn't think you would ever make _that_ move, but then I thought about our last conversation, about practically begging you to try a different tactic to get her to talk. I just never thought that by opening yourself up to her, she would do the same for you."

I watched the smallest grin pass over Carlisle's lips before he reigned himself in. I knew he was happy about what happened with Bella and Paul's words brought a little of that happiness back even though the feeling in the room was still a little tense.

"I was talking to myself when I mentioned your plan, but she picked up on it right away and she lost it."

Paul's hands gripped the arms of the chair hard enough that the veins in his arms popped out.

"I'm sorry. Bella and I have gotten so close over the past couple of months that sometimes I think we both say so much more than we really should. I never wanted her to find out this way." Paul shook his head. "Hell, I _never _wanted her to find out…period."

Paul shot out of his chair, moving to stare out the window.

Carlisle began to shuffle some papers on his desk, finally pulling one out that had his handwriting all over it. He studied it for a few minutes before putting it back on the desk and rubbing his eyes. He had done a good job at hiding his exhaustion until now.

"I know it's not your fault, Paul." Even Carlisle's voice sounded tired, once he lost the anger. "I've been working since early this morning, trying to figure a way out of this without jeopardizing your career or hurting Bella's case."

Carlisle slumped into his chair, pinching the bridge of his nose. I'd never seen him look so defeated before. He truly didn't know what to do. With a heavy breath, he spoke again.

"But honestly, I don't know how to help one of you without hurting the other. This was just not something I ever considered and I…"

"It's not really as hard as you think." My head snapped to Jasper as he interrupted. "I want both of you to hear me out before you say anything."

Everyone's attention was on Jasper as he began to explain.

"This is a prison we're talking about here. Our jobs require us to be hard asses most of the time and it's not a secret to anyone, the warden included, that there's a level of taunting that goes on there. So it wouldn't be much of a surprise to him if that's what happened here."

"What are you talking about, Jasper?" I asked, knowing where he was heading with this. "You want Paul to say he was intentionally taunting Bella. Didn't you just hear Carlisle say that he didn't want to do anything that would hurt Paul's career? Don't you think that the mere implication would do just that?"

"No," he said that one word with confidence. "Just listen, Alice. They'll both be just fine."

Paul came back to his seat, staring at Jasper. He lifted his chin in Jasper's direction, telling him to continue.

"Alice _is_ right, of course. Paul, you would have to admit to taunting Bella, pushing her to think she had no choice but to defend herself from you." He turned to Carlisle. "It would fall perfectly in line with your self-defense strategy."

I looked at Paul and his gaze was fixed on Jasper, his body unmoving. There was nothing to indicate that he either understood what Jasper wanted him to do or if he was ready to tell him to go to hell for suggesting such a thing. Carlisle sat in the same rigid pose, but his face conveyed the disbelief he felt at Jasper's words.

"That'll let Bella off the hook…well not completely, but I would seriously doubt an incident report will be done. The last thing the warden will want is public record of how some girl, who couldn't be more than a hundred pounds, was able to take down one of his best guards from _inside_ her locked cell." Jasper smirked.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Paul hang his head.

"And," he continued, addressing Carlisle, "Paul's got an excellent record. He's like the fucking poster boy for perfect prison guards."

I rolled my eyes as Jasper sat up straight, posing with his hands on his hips and a cheesy grin on his face. Leave it to Jasper to try and diffuse some of the tension in the room with a bad joke.

"Go to hell, Jasper," Paul said, fighting off a laugh.

"Look, all I'm saying is that with your record, you'll get off with a warning, could be a written warning but I doubt it. I would expect a verbal warning at most." He raised his hands and shrugged. "So, Bella's self-defense theory is proven and Paul gets a slap on the wrist…problem solved."

"I'll do it. Anything to help Bella and make this go away," Paul agreed with Jasper.

Carlisle was shaking his head. "That's perfect Jasper. Why didn't I think of that?"

"You're too smart for your own good sometimes, Counselor," Jasper said, earning himself an angry glare from Carlisle.

He looked like he was going to say more, so I stopped him. "I think it was a rhetorical question."

"True either way," he responded with a grin.

There were more smiles around the room as we spent the next hour going over exactly where we all needed to go from here. When Paul left for his meeting with the warden, the three of us went about our business of the day; Carlisle transcribed his notes from the last several days, Jasper left to run some errands and I continued to dig deeper into Bella's past here in California.

A few hours later, I ordered lunch and had it set up in Carlisle's office a few minutes before Paul walked back in. It turned out that Jasper was right; Paul was given a verbal warning to watch his actions around Bella because another incident would not be tolerated. He, of course, agreed knowing in his heart that he would never intentionally hurt her again.

We spent the rest of the day planning, trying to regroup and get the whole situation under control and back on track. As we ate, there were several suggestions thrown around – some good and some bad – but the one thing we all agreed on was that each one of them was going to tell Bella the truth about their involvement with her. The secrets were what got us into this mess and it was time for the whole truth to come out.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**Bella**

**January 8, 2010**

I never thought the day would come when I would wish to be back in my cell again. But after four days in solitary, that cell was sounding pretty damn good right now. Four days to myself, thinking and having no outlet to get the thoughts out of my head was torture. It was a mix of one mistake after another all leading up to the final – and worst – mistake I'd ever made…thinking I could find someone to trust here. After four days of thinking, I still couldn't believe I let my guard down enough to let Paul in.

I was in pain after a fight with Victoria and I thought I was quiet enough that no one could hear me cry. I didn't think about the guards hearing me. He asked if I was okay and I lied and told him I was so he would leave, but he didn't go. I stayed silent at first, but after his constant stream of questions, he finally found one that I would answer. That's where it all started.

I wouldn't have minded if he was more like Whitlock, who just happened to be in on this so-called plan of theirs, and stayed in the background, watching and stepping in when he was needed. But he didn't; he treated me like a normal person, talking and getting to know about me like we just met in some grocery store instead of in prison.

I trusted him and cared about him like a brother. I let myself care about him like I cared about Jake or Sam, and that's why his betrayal hurt so much. If he would have just come clean from the beginning and told me about his connection with Carlisle and that he wanted him to watch over me, I could have accepted that. I couldn't say that I would have told him as much as I did, but I would have understood. But no, he lied and it was because Carlisle…

My thoughts were cut off when the slot in the door slid open.

"On your feet, Swan." Guard Clearwater commanded.

I stood sluggishly, not wanting to move. I just stood next to the bed before I saw his eyes appear in the slot.

"You know the drill, Swan. Move your feet," he ordered.

I stood in front of the door, facing the opposite wall with my hands behind my back. He reached in the second slot in the door and placed the cuffs around my wrists and I took five steps away from the door as it opened.

I waited for him to say I could turn around, but he just stepped in without saying a word. It was odd but I didn't really care. Then he finally spoke.

"You have twenty minutes."

"Thanks. I owe you one."

"What the…!" I yelled before Paul's hand clamped over my mouth and he begged me to keep quiet.

"Please, Bella, I need to talk to you," he begged again. "I just need to explain."

He held me tight from behind, my body fully pressed against his so he could keep me still. I tried to kick a leg out from under him but he lifted me off the ground, moving me to the bed and sat me sideways on his lap.

I didn't stop fighting, turning my head back and forth, screaming into his hand as I struggled to get free again. All my flailing around almost caused me to fall out of his lap. He squeezed tighter, his fingertips digging into my cheek.

"Bella, please, stop fighting me and I'll let you go, I promise." He was whispering his request, but I could hear the emotion in his voice.

My eyes narrowed as I looked at him with all the hatred I felt for him. Why should I give him a chance to apologize after what he did?

"Please, we don't have a lot of time."

I forced myself to stop struggling and I fought to reign in my emotions, but it was hard when all I wanted to do was beat that pitiful look off his face. He had no idea what I was thinking, but he must have seen something that made him think he could trust me as the arm around my waist squeezed tighter and he gradually pulled his hand away from my mouth.

His hand was off my mouth and I pulled in a deep breath, but as soon as his arm pulled away from my waist, I shoved my shoulder into him and jumped off his lap. I stumbled into the opposite wall but turned to look at him the second I was stable.

"Don't fucking move," I said through my teeth, as I saw him start to get up.

"Bella," he held his hands up cautiously, "just let me take those cuffs off so you're more comfortable."

"If you know what's good for you, you'll leave them right where they are." I glared at him through the pieces of hair that had fallen in my face.

He froze right where he stood, just staring at me with that stupid fucking look on his face.

"You wanted to talk…so talk." I saw him flinch a little as the last word came out more forcefully than he expected. "If not, get your mother fucking traitor ass outta here and never come back."

"Bella," his voice softened, "I'm sorry. You have to know I never betrayed you, I promise. I would never do that to you. I swear to you, Bella."

"Save your promises for someone who believes them. You and that asshole lawyer of mine can have all the secrets in the world from now on, but I promise _you_…none of them will be mine." I glared at him. "If you think I'm telling either one of you another god damn thing again, then you're fucking crazy."

I started pacing the length of the cell, never taking my eyes off of him, watching through the hair still in my face since I didn't have use of my hands to move it.

"I never told him anything you said to me. Everything you've ever told me has always been between you and me." He sat back on the bed, looking defeated. "I would never hurt you, Bella. You're my friend…like my sister."

"Seriously!" My laugh was disbelieving and sounded kind of evil. "If that's the way you treat family…" I let my sentence drift off.

"Shut the fuck up, Bella!" I froze now at the anger in his voice. "I've never taken your shit before and I'm not going to do it now. You can believe what you want, but I never did _anything_ to betray your trust in me."

"So you're going to lie to me and tell me you_ weren't_ working for him."

"Fuck no; I wasn't 'working' for him. I wasn't his informant or his spy. He wanted your protection, that's it." He was on his feet, staring me down. "And can you blame him, with you and Victoria trying to kill each other every fucking day."

I shook my head to get the hair out of my face before I started pacing again. I would give anything to have my hands free right now so I could show him exactly why I didn't need his protection.

"You're so full of shit." I sneered at him. "What the hell did you think you were protecting me from when you were getting me to tell you my secrets in the middle of the night?"

"That was where I fucked up." His voice had tinge of regret in it. "I was _never_ supposed to get personally involved. But I'm not fucking sorry for having feelings and not being able to listen to you cry every night and yes, Bella, whether you believe it or not…it was every night."

He sat back down on the bed, losing the attitude.

"It didn't matter if you were awake or crying in your sleep. I had to do something. I had a distinct advantage that Whitlock didn't have, the night shift is quieter than the day shift and there's no one around to watch me as I make my rounds. That offered me time to check in on you to see if you were okay and when that turned into actual conversations, I started to see a smile on your face."

"And you think that was because of you. Quite a big fucking ego you have there, isn't it. Don't flatter yourself."

"Will you just shut the hell up and listen for once," he growled at me.

He was off the bed in a second, stalking me… coming closer as I backed myself into the corner.

"You want to accuse me of working for him and telling him everything you said to me, then tell me, Bella, why would I sit there night after night for months and try to get you to talk to him if I was just going to go and tell him everything myself. What would be the point?" His voice was smooth and calm.

He was in front of me now and I was speechless. My mind tried to think of ways to get out of this but the handcuffs left me almost defenseless. I was about to kick him away from me when he touched his fingertips to my cheeks. My eyes explored his face and I saw something… caution maybe.

"Bella," his voice was quiet and soothing, "How many times did you go to him and tell him something that you had told me the night before?"

His hands slid down to my shoulders.

"I don't know," I said, still infuriated, "a lot I guess."

His hands slid to my elbows.

"Did it seem like he knew?" He tilted his head slightly and I mirrored his action. "Didn't you always come back and tell me how most of his reactions shocked you?"

"Yeah," was all I could say as I put his words together with some of Carlisle's reactions.

His arms went around me, which brought his mouth to my ear. His next words were whispered.

"How could he fool you if he knew?"

I heard the click of the handcuffs and he held my wrists and as he pulled my freed hands in front of me, holding them as he kneeled on the floor, looking up at me.

"Bella, he never knew. Every secret you told me is still just between us. I promise you."

My mind was racing, going back and forth between wanting to hurt him and wanting to believe in him.

"I should have told you." He stood up but kept his eyes on my face. "When we started to get close and things started to get more personal, I should have told you. I'll regret my decision not to every day because it hurt you."

He took a deep breath and dropped his head for a couple of seconds, giving me a chance to catch my breath. His worried expression tugged at the anger I was holding onto.

"I should have trusted you the way you trusted me and been up front with you." He squeezed my hands. "I told you once that I believed in you, no matter what happened or what you did, I believed in you because I got to know the woman you truly are."

Slowly, Paul let go of my hands and put his arms around me and brought his mouth to my ear one more time. Part of me wanted to push him away and part of me wanted to hug him back since this was probably the only time I would ever have to do so. The conflicting emotions inside of me were too much to process, causing me to remain still, with my hands at my side.

"I'm asking you to believe in _me_ now, Bella. Believe in our friendship, believe in everything I've ever said to you and believe that I wouldn't do anything to ever hurt you." His arms tightened around me. "Bella, listen…"

The slot in the door opened and Guard Clearwater called for him.

"Mendez, you have to move now." He sounded worried.

He let me go but looked me in the eye one more time. "Just remember one thing, he loves you, Bella. You can't blame him for wanting to keep you safe."

The door swung open and Guard Clearwater grabbed Paul by the arm, pulling him out.

"Come on, they fixed the system faster…"

His voice trailed away as the door slammed shut. Once I was alone, my legs began to work again and I stumbled to the bed. I was still fighting with myself, struggling between believing Paul or not, hating Carlisle or not. This was making my head hurt, I laid back and covered my head with the pillow and screamed just to let my frustrations out.

When I picked up my head again, the sun's rays were shining through the small window at the top of the concrete box I was in. I didn't realize I had fallen asleep, but I was thankful for it. I wasn't in any condition or mood to deal with it last night. Hopefully today I would be able to see things more clearly and focus on his words and not my emotions.

As the hours passed, the things Paul said started to make sense. I remembered the conversation we had Christmas morning when I told him about what James did to put me in the hospital but when I saw Carlisle, he seemed genuinely surprised when I mentioned what happened that day. I'd accused him of being clueless so often that I knew he wasn't faking it. He really didn't know.

He had also told me so many times that I could trust Carlisle. How would he have known that if he didn't know the man personally? I knew Carlisle's words were sincere enough and I had told myself that I could trust him. Why couldn't I trust the one person I considered a friend when he told me the same thing? But why would they all lie to me? That was the question that plagued my mind for the past five days. I was staring at the concrete ceiling when the answer finally hit me and I had to laugh.

"Why would they tell you, Bella, when the first thing you'd do is kick the shit out of them," I said to myself.

When the lights went out on my last day in solitary, I took the time to process every bit of information and it left me with a couple of realizations. One…although I may understand his reasoning, Paul lied to me, breaking the trust I had placed in him and I didn't know if I could get that back, and two…Carlisle wasn't all I thought he was. He was every bit as sincere, kind and caring as I had originally thought, but he was also underhanded, secretive and scheming, and I would be damned if I let another man like that into my life again.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**January 10, 2010**

Newton led me back to my cell at first light and I was actually happy to be back here. Not that I liked it, I was comfortable here, and maybe it was the openness the bars provided, but I felt like I could breathe again.

I was also back with my books again. I could read if I wanted to or I could take the time to write out everything that had gone through my mind in the past five days. It wasn't truly necessary as I had enough time to think while I was in there. I just felt like I had to because I hadn't had the opportunity in so long.

After I returned from my work detail, I sat down with an empty page and my pen ready to go. I knew I was going to see him tomorrow and I had to get everything written down that I needed to talk to him about. I was done with his secrets and his hypocritical attitude and we were going to have it out once and for all. If he cared about me as he said, then the lies had to stop and they had to stop now. Carlisle wanted me to talk…well he was going to be doing a little talking of his own before I ever began to believe in him again.

My pen flew across the pages for the rest of the night, writing every thought that had passed through my head in the last five days. Everything that Paul and Carlisle had ever said came back to me and now that I had it on paper, it was easier to look at and easier for me to process and see logic in the whole situation. Carlisle's intentions made sense but the way he went about it was wrong. They all lied to me at Carlisle's request and so far, only Paul has made up for that. There was no way I was letting the other two off without some answers.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**January 11, 2010**

By the time Whitlock came to get me, I was ready…for all of it. For all the anger I had gone through while I was in solitary, it took me coming back to this cell to remember that Whitlock was just as much a part of this as Paul and Carlisle. I may be more rational and level headed about things today than I was the night I attacked Paul, but Whitlock was definitely not getting out of this without having to answer for his part in it.

"On your feet, Swan." Whitlock's voice made my blood boil.

I didn't move for a couple of minutes, needing to calm myself down. Luckily, he knew where my mind was at and didn't say a word while I readied myself to face him. I was lying on my back, staring at the ceiling with no intention of looking at him; if I did I would have lost it all over again.

"Why…no…_how_ did you get involved in this _plan_?" I asked as steadily as possible.

"Your lawyer asked me for a favor."

I was about to ask another question when he continued.

"And I hate watching you suffer at the hands of those two when I don't believe you belong here."

There was a different tone in his voice than he'd ever used before, making his words sound sincere. Unfortunately, I didn't know if I should believe him or not. I sat up, staring him down while I asked my next question.

"Wait…how do you even know him? How do you even know anything about me? I've heard what the media's said about me, so why would you choose to believe something different?"

"I have…_connections_," he paused a little on that word, "outside of here and I've gotten to know the specifics of your case quite well."

"Gah, you're just as bad as they are. Now that I know what's going on, please give me the fucking courtesy of not lying to me!" I was starting to lose my temper again. "Is a straight answer really too much to ask for?" I shouted.

"Keep your voice down." His voice was stern. "We don't have time for this."

"I don't really give a fuck. I'm done with all the lies. I know I can't do anything about you watching over me if that's what you want to do, but I want a straight fucking answer. How did you get involved in this?" I questioned him again.

"Get on your feet," he ordered. "I'll explain on the way."

I stood slowly and held my hands out to him so he could put the cuffs on. This was definitely going to be a different walk than I was used to. I just hoped I would get the answers from him that I needed.

He led me from my cell and through the block in silence, which was fine with me; I knew he couldn't talk here. Once we were in the empty hallway, he slowed our walk as his quiet voice cut through the silence.

"I've known Carlisle for about five years now. We _are_ friends but our association has nothing to do with this place. I got to know him shortly after my girlfriend started working for him." He took a heavy breath. "It was Alice who basically forced Carlisle to take your case."

"Forced?" I picked up on that one word.

"Basically. She had seen the story about your arrest on the news and got an instant 'feeling' about you." He chuckled a bit, shaking his head.

It was still strange to me, seeing him display normal human behavior. He was always so reserved and uptight that any real emotion seems foreign coming from him.

"She gets that way sometimes, but her 'feelings' are usually right on. She spent the next twenty-four hours finding out everything she could about you. When she left for the office the next day, she had a file more than an inch thick, with every intention of making him take your case. She believed immediately that they could get you out."

I listened intently to everything he said but it still didn't explain a thing.

"Well that explains how he just showed up out of the blue, but it still doesn't tell me how _you_ got involved?"

We were walking a little slower than we were before because we were getting closer to the meeting room.

"Something about Carlisle changed after he started working on your case. I didn't understand it at first, but then Alice came home one night going on and on about him and his possible feelings for you."

I groaned and out of the corner of my eye, I saw him turn a little to look at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing." He tried unsuccessfully to hide a grin.

"Did everyone know about that? What did he do, go post it around town or something?" It was a stupid comment but damn, how did they all know?

"Like I said, I've known him for a long time. He completely changed once he started working with you. Everything about him was different." He took another deep breath before he continued. "Anyway, when you got into all those fights, Alice told me I needed to go into the office 'cause he wanted to talk to me. He told me that he couldn't stand to see you so bruised up all the time and asked me if I would be able to keep an eye on you. He wanted me to try to keep whoever was causing you problems away from you. That's easier said than done."

I rolled my eyes and muttered under my breath, "Tell me about it."

"During the day, we really have to maintain a certain distance from the inmates. That's not to say that every guard always follow the rules, but we're under such scrutiny that it doesn't go without notice if one of us shows any favoritism…and that's what he was asking me to do."

He stopped walking, turning to me with a gloomy look on his face.

"I really am sorry that I never got to you fast enough to stop them when they came after you. I will make it up to you if it's the last thing I do."

"I'm not delusional and I know you can't protect me from them. They're going to make my life hell no matter how many people I have watching me." I turned and started walking this time, a little uncomfortable with the direction the conversation suddenly took.

"I don't need your protection though. I was prepared for all possibilities before I…"

I stopped, remembering that the walls have ears in this place. I knew Carlisle hated the fact that my case was already in jeopardy because of my fighting. He would have a complete meltdown if I ruined everything with my big mouth. Talking to Paul in my cell was one thing, because they don't monitor conversations there, but out in the hallways where anyone could hear would be a major mistake.

"You don't have to tell me. From everything Alice has put together, I know what you were like before all this started, and seeing you now," he paused, "I know you've done a complete one-eighty. It's sad really, no one should have to go through what you did, especially someone as kind-hearted, sweet and genuinely good as you."

"Why do you all keep saying that? That's not me anymore." My frustration took over again. "It hasn't been for a long…"

"It's still there, Bella." He interrupted me. "If it wasn't, neither one of them would care so much."

"What are you talking about? Alice doesn't even know me."

"You're wrong there too. You may not have met, but Alice cares about you too. I wasn't talking about her though."

He stopped me just outside the door to the meeting room, looking around before continuing.

"I know what you must think of all of us right now, but try not to be too hard on _them_ okay. Because of my position, I was able to stay a little more objective, seeing things from a different angle than the two of them. I know you're hurt and I know you feel betrayed, but Paul and Carlisle care about you way more than they should and they truly have your best interests at heart."

He slid the key into the door without another word and led me into the room. Carlisle was pacing back and forth in front of the window, turning to us as we entered the room.

"Where've you been?" He looked at his watch. "You're late."

"Just fucking deal with it, Counselor." All the anger came back the second I saw his face.

Whitlock squeezed my arm just before he sat me down in the chair. He leaned in to whisper in my ear as he took the cuffs off.

"Give him a chance to explain."

Whitlock squeezed my shoulder again on the way out just like he had the last time he left me in this room. Before leaving though, he looked at both of us before focusing on me.

"This has to stop. He needs to know everything, Bella, if he's going to get you out of here." He looked back to Carlisle. "And you need to tell her the whole truth. Listen to each other and quit all the damn fighting. You're not going to get anywhere if you don't."

He closed and locked the door behind him as he walked out. I had no desire to be here right now but Whitlock was right, if we were going to get anywhere, he needed to start talking. I watched him pace for another minute or two before I couldn't take it anymore.

Standing, with my hands pressed into the table, I yelled at him, "Stand fucking still already before I beat your damn ass."

He stopped, glaring at me with his arms extended away from his body, taunting me. "Do it then. You know you want to!" he yelled right back at me.

I was already around the table and the invitation was all I needed to have him against the wall with his jacket clenched in my fists.

"You fucking liar!" I pulled hard and slammed his back against the wall. "You hypocrite! All this time, begging me to bear my soul to you when all you've done is lie to me!"

"I did it for you." He sounded out of breath, but he was still yelling.

"For me…for me…everything is for me! Tell me, Counselor," I slammed his back again, "if you care about me so much, then why does everything you do _for me_ revolve around a lie."

"I didn't lie!"

"Mother fucker!" I yelled, unable to tolerate him any longer.

My knee smashed into him and he fell to the floor, gasping for breath. He seriously thought he could stand in front of me and tell me he didn't lie to me even after he'd already been caught. I'd had it with his bullshit and had his arms pinned to the floor with one knee putting pressure on his chest.

"Tell me the fucking truth!"

He coughed a few times, trying to catch his breath and I wasn't making it any easier for him.

"I didn't lie," he choked out, my knee pressed harder. "I just didn't tell you every…"

"Wrong fucking answer!"

I punched him once in the stomach and he curled in on himself, gasping for more air. I couldn't take this anymore, I had to get away from him. Pushing myself off his chest, I stood up and made my way to the door. I tried banging a few times and screaming at Whitlock to let me out, but all I got was his fist on the door and a 'quiet down in there.'

When I finally gave up, Carlisle was sitting in his chair, elbows on his knees, trying to catch his breath. I didn't even want to look at him, so I moved my chair to the window and sat with my back to him, staring out at the open field that surrounded this place. It was a form of comfort to me, and something I desperately needed right now.

Neither of us spoke to the other for a long time, but without a watch, I didn't know how much time passed. I took the time to calm down and remember the things Paul and Whitlock told me.

Paul said he got personally involved with me when he became my friend, never sharing my secrets with Carlisle and after I took time to think, I really believed him. He was right, if he had then there wouldn't be any surprises when Carlisle and I would talk.

Whitlock told me that Carlisle was more involved with me than he should have been. I knew he was long before he confessed it to me, but I still didn't understand why. I figured Paul out pretty easily because he knew things about me that no one knew and I believed we really were friends. Carlisle was different though. He cared about me without knowing anything about me. How was that even possible?

With that aside, they've all admitted to having some sort of feelings towards me whether it's friendship or something more and that was what prompted them to do what they did. But does that let any of them off the hook? Should I trust that they'll never lie to me again? I'd already found a way to kind of forgive Whitlock and Paul – now that they explained their involvement – and they both told me to give Carlisle his chance to explain, and I guess I owed that to him.

"Why did you do it?" My quiet words broke the silence.

"Do what?" he asked with a soft voice.

"Lie to me…make them lie to me. Why wouldn't you just tell me that you were having them watch me?" I paused, blowing out a deep breath. "I would have understood, you know."

"Bella, you wouldn't even open your mouth in the beginning. Then when you did, you fought me at every turn. When you finally started telling your story, you punched me and attacked the guards the first day, broke down the second and third days and your mood swings were completely erratic every other day. How was I supposed to know what your reaction would be if I told you I had someone watching over you?" A sort of half snort, half laugh escaped him.

"I'm sorry about that. All of it just sort of spilled out; my thoughts were so hard to control." He was right. Erratic was definitely one way you could describe how I acted.

"I actually expected most of it. Yours isn't the first case like this that I've worked on, though it is the most extreme. I've dealt with the mood swings and the anger and shame women in your position deal with. With you it was different though."

"Why?" I asked. "What made this time so different."

"I don't really know for sure. When I walked into the courtroom for your arraignment, I noticed something different about you." That piqued my interest. "Every move you made, made it seem like you were scared, like you were a true victim, but that's not what you were."

"But I…"

"Wait, let me finish," he requested before continuing. "It was the force of your words that intrigued me the most. I had already seen as many of the police reports and pictures that my assistant could dig up and I was expecting a woman that had been broken down and withdrawn, just like most other women in your situation. You were different. You _sounded_ strong-willed but you had no desire to fight, you seemed to believe that you deserved your punishment. Then when I said you weren't guilty, you almost broke into tears and asked me the one question that haunted me from that day on."

"What was that?" I asked, not really remembering the day.

"You asked me why. The vulnerability I saw in your eyes sparked something in me that I couldn't ignore."

His hand unexpectedly touching my back made me jump as he kneeled down next to me, capturing my eyes with his.

"I'll admit that you were right. In the beginning, I cared about you because I felt sorry for you and that's really why I asked Whitlock to watch over you. It really bothered me every time you walked in here bruised and cut up." He touched my cheek just under my eye. "Do you remember that day back in October when you came here with your eye so swollen that it wouldn't even open?"

I nodded.

"It scared me and I felt helpless because I left you unprotected. That was the day I asked Whitlock to find someone on the night shift to help me keep you safe. Mendez stepped up immediately, agreeing to help."

"He volunteered?" I questioned in surprise.

"Kind of…Whitlock told him the situation and before he could ask, Mendez was ready to help. He was only supposed to watch out for you until lights out. I never expected him to get more involved."

He looked at the floor and removed his hand from my cheek.

"When I found out that he had more of a personal relationship with you, I did try to get him to tell me what you would talk about."

I gasped in shock that he actually admitted it. The sound caused him to look up at me again and the anguish was plain on his face.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I was desperate. You wouldn't talk to me and I knew we were running short on time. But you have to believe me, he never told me anything no matter how hard I tried. It killed me that he knew you and I didn't, but he had your trust and he held that sacred."

A knot formed in my stomach as soon as the words left his mouth. For all the times I considered Paul my brother, I should have trusted him and known he would never do something like that to me.

"I don't know how he did it, but he came to see me a couple of days ago. He wanted to explain, to tell me his side of things, to let me know that our friendship was what mattered to him and I treated him so bad." I tried to hold the tears back as the guilt consumed me. "He's the only friend I have and I treated him like he was nothing. Why didn't I just listen to him?"

Carlisle laughed, shaking his head. "Bella, you do realize that you have some major trust issues and they're not going to go away anytime soon. I knew if you ever found out about the two of them watching you that you wouldn't take it well."

"If that isn't the understatement of the year." I rolled my eyes and we both laughed.

He grabbed both of my hands, holding them tight as his face turned serious again.

"I truly am sorry, Bella. I should have told you what was going on and I'm sorry you found out the way you did."

"Carlisle, I've asked you before if I can trust you and what was your answer?" I asked, needing a serious answer.

"I said yes," he replied simply.

"No that's not what you said." His brow furrowed. "You told me I could trust you with my life and even though I hate the lies, by asking them to watch over me, you took my life in your hands and protected me the only way you knew how."

His face brightened up a little as I laid my hand on his cheek, staring into his eyes.

"I do understand why you did it and if it hadn't been for Whitlock watching me _because of you_," I stressed those three words, "it's possible that they would have killed me by now. They came close to it on Christmas, but he was there to stop them."

His gasp was loud and I was on my feet and in his arms in a matter of seconds. His grip was tight, cutting off my ability to breathe.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "If anything would have happened to you…"

"It's not your fault. There's nothing you could have done."

"I can come up with something else. Maybe if…"

"No!" I cut him off quickly as I pushed away from him. "No more plans, no more schemes and no more lies. Just let life happen and things will turn out the way they're supposed to."

I could only glare at him when it looked like he was going to fight me on this, but I wasn't going to back down. I was tired of everything and it had to stop.

"Bella, I…"

"No, Carlisle." I grabbed his jacket in my hand again, wanting my point to be clear. "Both Whitlock and Mendez told me to trust in you and to give you a chance, well this is it. It's the only one I'm giving you. You want me to be open with you, then you need to give me the same thing in return. I don't want you planning things behind my back."

His shoulders slumped slightly, if I hadn't been holding on to him, I wouldn't have noticed.

"Okay, I promise you…no more secrets."

I stepped up to hug him.

"That's all I ask."

Carlisle held on to me for just a minute before I pushed him away again.

"Now get off me, Counselor," I said as I grabbed my chair, taking it back to the table. "And can we please talk about something else? All this mushy stuff is giving me a headache."

* * *

**Now that they're all somewhat forgiven, hopefully Bella can move on and finally tell her whole story. Time is getting short and trial is getting close and they're going to need every second they can get.**

Now for a couple quick rec's:

The first is a new story, combining the collaborative powers of shelikesthesound and DivineInspiration to create an amazing story. Go read **When the Dust Settles by She is Divine** you will not be sorry you did.

Summary: Where do you go and what do you do when war takes away everything that matters to you? Army Sergeant Edward Cullen has to find out and learns new, important lessons about family, friendship, and love along the way.

http:/www .fanfiction. net/s/7386023/1/When_the_Dust_Settles

And you know I have to give my boys some love. **Sixty-Five Hours by owenic** is the perfect story to do just that. The UST between these two will have you clicking that next button, ready for more.

Summary: Jasper and Edward are Advertising Executives and have Sixty Five Hours to pull together the campaign of their careers. Sixty Five Hours to get along. Sixty Five Hours to not kill each other. Sixty Five Hours to fall in love.

http:/www. fanfiction. net/s/7276775/1/


	16. Out Of Hiding

Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH for all of your awesome work. I love you two so very much. **

* * *

**Chapter 16 – Out of Hiding**

**January 11, 2010**

"What would you like to talk about, Bella?" Carlisle asked.

Thinking about that for a minute, I shrugged. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to talk to him about since I had no intention of telling him anything when I walked into this room. Once I was able to get a hold of my anger, however, and we could finally talk, he gave me the answers I needed to move forward. I wouldn't say I trusted him completely just yet, but I was better off than I was a week ago and I could live with that.

"The last time we were here, you were talking about things James was able to get away with," he said as he looked over his notes from our last meeting. "Can you give me specifics?"

I exhaled loudly, not knowing where exactly to start.

"Hey," he nudged my arm, "you promised me an open book, remember?" His shy grin made me smile.

"I remember."

I meant what I said the last time we were in this room…no more secrets. I would be the hypocritical one if I forced him to tell me everything going on while I refused to talk in some stupid attempt to get back at him. Besides, I needed to get this out if for no other reason than to keep myself from going crazy.

I had gone over all of the 'what if's' and it seemed to be easier to justify my choices when I explained them to someone now that I was able to think about things rationally…kind of.

"He changed so much over such a short period of time. They were subtle changes at first. He started coming home later and later most nights and he seemed absentminded." I rolled my eyes. "I didn't think about it too much until he left me waiting when we had a date planned."

"Did he ever miss dates before?" he asked.

"Some, but this one was different."

"Why?"

"It was Valentine's Day. He'd spent days planning our night out. I overheard him on the phone a few times making arrangements and reservations. He put so much work into it, but when he didn't show…"

"He left you sitting there?" He sounded shocked, though at this point I couldn't figure out how James' behavior could be shocking.

"You sound surprised."

"I'm not surprised, not really." His face scrunched up like he was thinking really hard. "It just sounds odd. With everything you've told me about him so far, he seemed to like showing off his…trophy." He motioned his hand toward me.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that," I agreed.

"To go through all the work to plan your date and then not show up…" He trailed off.

"With no call…no excuse." I shrugged. "Well, not until later."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_**February 14, 2006**_

_Our dinner reservations were at 7pm and I was still at the salon getting my nails done. I impatiently checked my watch again, silently begging her to finish so I wasn't late. I had an hour before we were supposed to be at the restaurant, and it was a twenty-minute drive from the house and James hated to be late. Just as I was about to ask how much longer, Janie let my hand go._

_"All set, Bella. Just go sit over there until they're dry and you can go." She smiled and winked at me. "You're going to knock him dead tonight."_

_"Thanks. I really hope he likes it," I said._

_I had gotten my hair done earlier in the day, cutting it a little shorter than normal and adding some subtle red highlights for a little change. It would go well with the red dress I was wearing tonight. I figured it was more appropriate for Valentine's Day than the usual black dress. Now that my nails were done, the red with silver swirled designs were the perfect complement to finish the look._

_I noticed that James' car wasn't there when I pulled into the garage, which was a good thing since I still had to get dressed. I ran to the bedroom, taking off as much as I could on my way there, and by the time I reached my closet, I only had to take my pants off. I made sure to take special care not to mess up my hair as I slipped the dress on, I didn't have time to try to fix it again if I did. With ten minutes to go, I was sitting at the kitchen table, reading a magazine and waiting for James to get home._

_It wasn't like him to be this late when we had dinner reservations. On most occasions, he was the one waiting for me to get ready. I tried to call and got no answer so I waited._

_And waited…_

_And waited…_

_At seven-thirty, I was back in my room again, changing out of my dress to shower and to settle in for the night. James still wasn't answering his phone, but I knew enough to not call around looking for him, having already made that mistake once before._

_By ten o'clock, I decided that I'd waited long enough and I shut off all the lights and went to bed. The silence in the house was overwhelming as I lay awake, staring at the ceiling. With a quick glance at the clock, I exhaled; he'd never stayed out past 1am before._

_I had been angry with him for missing dinner, but that anger was quickly turning into fear that something bad had happened to him. Another hour passed before I finally heard the bedroom door open. He tried to close the door quietly but when I turned the light on, he froze._

_My eyes widened when I saw him standing in front of me with a huge brace on his neck and a bandage that covered part of his forehead._

_"James!" I yelled, jumping out of bed. I had never moved faster before, wanting to make sure he was okay._

_"Bella, I'm sorry." He cringed as he tried to lift his hand to my face._

_"Oh my God! What happened to you?" I touched his cheek, he winced._

_I led him to sit on the bed, kneeling down in front of him._

_"I don't know." He sounded dazed, not quite himself. "There was an accident. The doctor put this on me." He pointed to the brace._

_I touched my fingers to his lips to keep him from talking. "Let's just get you in bed, babe," I said as I began to help him out of his clothes. "We can talk in the morning when you're feeling a little better."_

_I stayed by his side until he was asleep, running my fingers through his hair to help relax him. I kissed him lightly and gathered his clothes to put in the laundry basket, but they smelled strongly of cigarette smoke and alcohol so I decided to take them directly to the wash. James didn't smoke and he didn't drink much so the two scents together seemed off. It would be one of those things that I would try to ask him in the morning._

_By 7am, I was nearly done with breakfast and I was about to go wake James when I saw him coming down the stairs with a huge smile on his face._

_"Smells good, Bella," he said as he fixed the collar of his turtleneck._

_When he reached the bottom step, he leaned down to kiss me once and then he went into the dining room, where his newspaper and coffee waited for him. I stared incredulously at him. There was something really wrong here. He had too much of a bounce in his step for someone who was in an accident the night before and he wasn't wearing the neck brace the doctor gave him. I shook my head – letting it go for the time being – and walked back into the kitchen to serve breakfast._

_We were halfway through when I just couldn't hold my tongue any longer. I had to know what was going on with him._

_"James," I said timidly._

_"Hmm." He didn't even bother looking up from his paper._

_"Where's your neck brace?" I asked. "Shouldn't you still be wearing it? At least until you go back to the doctor." It sounded like a question._

_"I'm fine, Bella," he said with a humorless laugh._

_"But shouldn't the doc…"_

_He cut me off with an angry voice._

_"I don't need it."_

_He pushed his empty plate away from him and I knew that was my cue to take it to the kitchen. I got up slowly, grabbed both plates and walked away. I was loading the dishwasher when he walked in to kiss me goodbye before he left for the restaurant. Unfortunately, I wasn't done with my questions._

_"How are your legs feeling?" I asked. "You weren't walking so well last night and when you came down the stairs just now, you were almost…bouncing."_

_His voice was harsh. "I said I'm fine, now drop it."_

_I ignored him. "And why did your clothes smell like smoke last night? Where were you before you got into the accident?"_

_His hands gripped my waist hard and I cried out from the pain._

_"What makes you think you can question me about where I go?" His grip tightened. "Who do you think you are?"_

_He shoved me back against the counter and turned to walk away._

_I followed him. "James, wait I…"_

_A split second later, I was slammed into the wall with James' right hand wrapped around my throat, slowly squeezing tighter with every second that passed. His eyes bore into mine, holding me prisoner with a warning that didn't need words. Unable to breathe, I tried to beg him to let me go, but no sound came from my open mouth._

_One jerk of his hand and I was on the kitchen floor, holding my neck and gasping for air. He was gone when I looked up and I heard the door slam as I fell to my back on the floor._

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

"How can you be so calm about all of this? I…" I heard Carlisle's frustration as he shook his head. "I just don't understand how you're not…"

"You think I'm calm," I asked in disbelief. "Not even close. I would say…detached is a better word. I've already had plenty of time to deal with this and work my way through it. This is only new information to you."

"I just don't see how you didn't leave after those first few times."

"I already told you this. I was too ashamed to tell anyone what was going on. James was always so perfect that I didn't think anyone would believe me anyway."

"But Leah saw the bruises in December, why wouldn't you think she'd believe you?" he asked.

"It's not that I thought she wouldn't, not then. I spent more of my time trying to keep him talking to me that I didn't think of them in those moments. Then by the time it was over, I just wanted to let the argument go."

His face was blank, not understanding what I was telling him.

"I told you about the silent treatment I would get. He would use it on me at least once a week and I fell for it every time."

Carlisle finally looked like he understood.

"He used it then too. I spent the next three days begging him to talk to me, telling him I was sorry I questioned him and I would never do it again. He finally gave in on the fourth day and just like every other time, acted like nothing had happened."

I shivered as I thought of what came next.

"Unfortunately, he felt it was time to test my words and see how far he could really push me."

"What does that mean?"

I shrugged. "I guess he decided it was time to stop hiding."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_**March 1, 2006**_

_Things between James and I had changed since our fight on Valentine's Day. He seemed more distant…well, distracted was a better description. He wasn't acting like himself anymore. He had been forgetting things and, with as meticulous as he always was about everything, I started to worry._

_He would forget to take things to the restaurant with him, always walking in and out of the house at least three times before finally leaving for work. He used to keep things in the same place every day so they were ready for him the next day, but lately things were left around the house anywhere he happened to put them down._

_He claimed he was just tired from all the extra hours he was putting in at the restaurant and told me that it was my job as his girlfriend to pick up after him and put things in their proper place. Every night after he came home, I tried to make sure I got everything, but if I ever missed even one item, a swift hand across the face made sure that I would be more careful next time._

_If that wasn't bad enough, he stopped showing up for dates we had planned. He always went out of his way to plan our dates and then he would cancel at the last minute claiming that there was a problem at the restaurant that needed to be taken care of. It was odd because, in the eight months we'd been together, the restaurant ran seamlessly and he never had to worry about it. Now he was spending all night there clearing up all the "problems" they were dealing with._

_After a few weeks, I began to get used to it and work around it. If he would forget something, I would drop it off during my lunch hour. I would make sure the dinners I prepared could be reheated later in the evening and still taste the same as they did when they were fresh in case he came home late. I would wait to get ready for our dates until the last minute so I didn't have to change again when he called to cancel._

_I was still worried about him though. He had become such a different man than the one I fell in love with and I didn't know what to do. So, I just went with it…at least until tonight._

_"Emily, he's not home yet and I'm worried," I spoke into the phone. "He's never stayed gone this long before."_

_"Have you called him?" she asked._

_"Of course, but every call goes to voicemail. The last thing he said to me was that he had to stay late at the restaurant again…something about the pipes. But you would think he'd be home by now." I took a breath and wiped the few tears that had fallen as I imagined the worst. "What if he was in another accident, Em? He could be lying in a ditch somewhere and I would never know."_

_"Bella, honey, I'm sure he's fine." Her voice was calm as she tried to keep me from freaking out. "If there was something wrong with the pipes, then it may take a while to fix."_

_"But it's two o'clock in the morning." I wasn't staying calm like she wanted. "What could have gone so wrong? Why wouldn't he at least call? He has to know that I'm sitting here waiting and worrying about him."_

_"Bella, if he's busy, he may not have the chance to call," she said._

_We were both silent for a minute and I think she heard me crying because her tone was even softer than before._

_"Honey, please stop. I'm sure he's fine," she repeated._

_There was some rustling on her end and Sam voice came through the phone._

_"Don't cry, babe. Let me come and get you and we'll go look for him, okay," he suggested._

_"Sam, it's late. I can't let you…" I tried to argue._

_"I'm not asking your permission, Bella." There was more rustling on the phone. "I'll be there in twenty minutes."_

_Emily got back on the phone and tried to stop my crying. I tried to get her to keep Sam home, but she told me he was already out the door. We stayed on the phone for another ten minutes before she forced me to hang up and get dressed._

_A few minutes later, I was downstairs pacing the floor, listening to James' voicemail again and waiting for Sam to show up. When the knock came, I rushed to the door, anxious to get going. I was in Sam's arms the second I ripped it open, but before he put me back down, a set of headlights was shining on us._

_James got out of the car slowly, watching as Sam put me down. The second my feet hit the ground, I ran to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. Kissing where I could, asking him where he'd been and thanking God that he was okay._

_He didn't offer any explanation, standing still as stone, watching Sam. Finally, his arms were around my back, squeezing me tight. In seconds, his grip was too tight and I could barely breathe._

_"James," I choked. "James." I tapped his shoulder. "You're hurting me."_

_His grip loosened as he put his mouth to my ear. "What is he doing here?"_

_My body froze and my heart skipped a beat when I heard the voice that scared the hell out of me. When I tried to back away, he tightened his arms with a jerk. The force cracked the bones in my back and a sharp pain shot up to my neck. His lips were on mine but he wasn't kissing me. It felt more like he was covering my mouth to hide the sound I made._

_When he let me go, he stepped up to shake Sam's hand while I was left gasping for breath behind him._

_"Thanks for taking care of her, Sam. I didn't mean to be so late."_

_His voice was innocent again even with a hint of remorse, claiming he felt bad for being late, but my body shook with fear as I recognized the tone. I knew better._

_"It's nothing. Just make sure to call next time. She was a wreck."_

_"I'll do my best," James promised._

_Sam came and hugged me, kissing my temple before he left. I watched until his car was out of sight before I turned to see James glaring at me._

_"Get in the fucking house."_

_The evil in his eyes made my blood run cold and I ran as fast as I could, slamming the door behind me as I tore up the stairs. But I wasn't fast enough. Four steps from the top, James grabbed my hair, pulling backwards, making me lose my footing. He stepped to the side, letting me fall down the eight stairs I had already climbed._

_White spots clouded my vision the second my head hit the floor. The way my arm was twisted underneath me, I knew my hand was broken and one scream from the pain was all my body could take before I stopped trying to move. Crying made it worse as I tried to catch my breath through the sharp stabs of pain in my chest._

_For me, a lifetime passed in the seconds it took James to attack me again. Agonizing screams ripped through me as he used my hair to lift me from the ground. I was a rag doll to him as he tossed me to the side so I was lying on my back just at the base of the stairs. The impact with the ground intensified my pain, leaving me at the very edge of consciousness. I was helpless as James loomed over me with pure hate in his eyes._

_"You think you can bring another man into my home."_

_The crack echoed through the room when his foot connected with my side. I gasped for breath again, but choked when I couldn't take in any air._

_"Oh Bella." He dropped to his knees next to me. "I'm so sorry. Did I hurt you?"_

_James feigned sympathy as he grabbed my broken hand, yanking it to his chest. His empty hand covered my mouth until my screaming stopped. Letting go of my mouth, he moved to brush the hair out of my face and wiped at the tears falling from my eyes, while he spoke softly._

_"I wonder if Emily knows what kind of slut you really are." His whispered voice made his words more sinister. "You and Sam have the perfect set up. You cry and he comes running. You fuck him in my house then send him back to her and she never knows a thing."_

_"N…" I tried to speak but one hand was on my mouth again as the other gave a slight twist to my hand, sending pain shooting up my arm._

_He didn't even wait for me to stop screaming before he continued. "Did you fuck him in my bed, Bella?" He brought his face within inches of mine and whispered, "I bet you did."_

_I couldn't form words to argue so I resorted to shaking my head._

_"Did he make you scream, Bella?"_

_I shook my head furiously, crying from the pain and hoping he would believe me and end this torture._

_"That's too bad. If you were going to cheat on me, at least you could've enjoyed it." He kissed my forehead and wiped more of my tears away. "It's okay, babe. I had enough fun for the both of us tonight."_

_James squeezed my hand again before dropping it and pushing himself off the floor. I could barely breathe and could hardly think, but I knew what his words meant. My cries now were both from the pain in my broken hand and broken ribs and from the fact that James just admitted to cheating on me. My heart was as broken as my body. I just wanted this night to end and I wanted out of the hell I created for myself._

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

At some point during my story, Carlisle had turned on his recorder and both of his hands grasped mine tightly. The tears in his eyes and the horrified look on his face made me want to cry, but I knew if I couldn't be strong now, I would never make through the harder stories I had to tell.

"Did you know that when he called for the ambulance, he had the nerve to cry and act like he was so worried about me?" I asked, not expecting an answer.

I pulled a hand free and reached across the table to brush his tears away. I couldn't stand to see him cry about something that happened so long ago. It still surprised me that he could feel so much for me without really knowing the person I truly was.

"After he got off the phone, he kneeled down beside me again, acting like he wanted to comfort me but he only did it so he could tell me that if I told a different story, what happened that night would be nothing."

"God, Bella," Carlisle whispered and squeezed my hand tighter, "you wanted out. Why didn't you go to your friends then? Why didn't you leave?"

"It wasn't that easy." I pulled my hand away and sat back in my chair.

"How could it not be?" he asked. "Sam and Jake would have protected you. The four of them would have given their lives for you."

"You're right," I yelled, slamming my hand on the table. "They would have and they almost did. But I believed him when he said it would be worse for me. After that, what choice did I have? I had to stay."

"No you didn't," Carlisle argued. "The two of them would have stood together to keep you safe. You didn't have to go back," he shouted.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You saw what he did to Jake." I was out of my chair, leaning over the table and screaming in his face. "Don't you think he could have gotten Sam alone if he really wanted to?"

I needed to calm myself down, but just as I moved away from the table, two short knocks on the door let us know our time was almost up. The fight instantly drained from my body and I turned back to Carlisle.

"He knew how to get to me and he knew how to break me, Carlisle." I spoke softly, struggling to hold in the anger and the tears at the same time. "I wasn't even gone for a day before he came back to get me. I didn't want to go and Jake wasn't going to let me go, but after his first threat against Emily, I had to. James left me with no other choice."

His eyebrow shot up and I knew he had more questions, but Whitlock opened the door and I went to him immediately so I could end this conversation. Turning my head as I held out my hands for Whitlock to put the cuffs back on, I could tell that Carlisle wanted the exact opposite.

"Tomorrow," I said as I was led out the door. "I'll explain tomorrow."

Whitlock walked me back down the hall toward my cell. A slight chuckle made me turn my head to look at him. He was covering his mouth, pretending to cough. When I asked him what his problem was, he responded with another small laugh.

"I'm glad to see you two back to normal again." He nudged my shoulder.

"Go to hell, Whitlock."

"Nah," he laughed, "too hot."

"You're an asshole," I mumbled as we walked the rest of the way in silence.

* * *

**Bella is really starting to open up and now her stories are going to be getting harder to tell. Carlisle will need to step up because she's really going to need someone to lean on. **

**I wish I had some recs for you this time but, sadly, I don't. So, until next time...much love to you - D**


	17. The Only Reason To Stay

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH for all of your awesome work. I love you two so very much. **

**A/N: I just want to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates this holiday with me. I love all of you so much for sticking with me and taking your time to read this. It truly means a lot to me.**

* * *

**Chapter 17 – The Only Reason To Stay**

**July 12, 2010**

It had been a long night working through all of the emotions that I'd let out today. From the second we were locked in for the night, I had been writing in my journal, getting ready for our meeting tomorrow. Carlisle didn't take the last story well and I was worried about how he was going to handle everything else I had to tell him. Tomorrow was going to be hard, but at least it wasn't the worst story I had to tell.

Before I had a chance to think about it any longer, I heard a voice.

"Can we talk?"

I still had some lingering anger at Paul for lying to me, but I needed to let it go. I wanted my friend back. Without saying a word, I stood up, walked to the bars and reached my hand out to him. He let out a breath as he took it.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't…"

"Don't," I whispered, touching his cheek with my other hand. "I've had some time to think and I've spoken with both Whitlock and Carlisle, but I didn't need either one of them to tell me how much you care about me."

He raised his eyes to meet mine and a small smile played on his lips.

"You're like my brother, Paul. I knew in my heart that you could never hurt me that way." I smiled back at him. "It just took a while for my head to catch up. Do you forgive me?" I asked.

He gave a small laugh. "I should be the one to ask you that question." He pulled my hand from his cheek and held both of them in front of him. "_We_ hurt _you_, Bella, not the other way around. So, please, tell me you forgive _me_."

A tear slipped from the corner of my eye. "You know, for the first time since I got here, I wish I was out so I could hug you right now."

He reached up to wipe the tear away, then brought his hand back to mine and squeezed them both.

"This is going to have to be enough for now. But when he gets you out of here, I may not let you go for a while." He chuckled.

That statement just made me want to hug him even more. I loved Paul and _if_ I got out, he was the first one I would run to to celebrate.

"That sounds fine to me." I smiled, picturing that day.

"Now that we got that out of the way," his smile faded, making me nervous, "can I ask what you told Carlisle today?"

I was about to speak but he stopped me.

"You know I normally wouldn't ask, but he was sitting in his car today when I got here, looking completely torn up. Your meetings with him are over about an hour before I start my shift so he's usually gone when I get here." He took a deep breath. "When I went up to his car, he jumped like he didn't hear me. Then, when I asked if he was alright, all he said was 'I'm fine' before he tore out of the parking lot."

Silence filled the next few seconds as I thought about what was going through Carlisle's mind when I walked out of the room. I knew what I'd told him today was rough, but I didn't expect it to have such an impact. I remembered the look on his face when I finished and it tore at my heart to know that he was hurt enough to not be able to leave right away. It was still so strange to have people care about me the way these three men seemed to.

"I told him about the day I found out that James was cheating on me," I answered.

He looked confused.

"And…" he said with a questioning look on his face. "That can't possibly be all there is to it. There's no way he would look so…haunted by telling him James was cheating on you."

I should have known that I wouldn't be able to get away with a simple answer. Paul always seemed to know when I was lying or leaving things out and he always called me on it. I exhaled loudly and it caused his brow to furrow deeper as his eyes narrowed.

"What are you not telling me, Bella?" He paused. "Come on, after everything we've been through this past week, please don't keep things from me now." His tone was sincere as he asked for the truth.

"That was the day I took my first trip to the hospital."

I couldn't look at him as I told him the same story I told Carlisle. I heard him mumbling curse words and useless death threats as I told him about the broken bones and the threat that James issued to me that night. I didn't know if it was Paul's presence or not, but the story was surprisingly easier to tell the second time around and I was able to go through it faster than I had with Carlisle.

"Well, since you're here," he glanced around at my cell, "I know you didn't leave him. My only question is… why? Look at you; you're tough as nails, Bella. Why would you…? How could you let him do that to you?"

Paul and I had glossed over this subject many times before, never really going into the details. He never pushed for more information than I was willing to share, so the gasp that escaped me with his blunt question wasn't unexpected but I recovered quickly.

"I wasn't always like this." I shrugged. "I was so incredibly naïve back then. So, by the time things had gotten to that point, I was ashamed that, somewhere along the line, I had lost the strong-willed woman I was before I met him."

He looked like he was ready to jump in with a comment, but I put one finger to his lips to keep him quiet.

"It wasn't just the shame that kept me tied to him, though. By the time this happened, we'd been together for seven months and he knew enough about me that he was able to use my weaknesses against me."

"Meaning…?" Paul questioned me with the one word.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"No, because you're stalling," he replied.

"I'm really not. I need to know how much youknow." He whispered his 'okay' and I continued. "You know that Carlisle took a trip to Colorado so he could talk to my friends, don't you." It wasn't a question.

He nodded, but kept quiet.

"Did he tell you?" I asked.

"Tell me what?" he asked me in return.

"Did he tell you about my friends? Did he tell you what James did to them?" I felt my sadness build when I asked.

His face paled slightly and he swallowed hard as he nodded his head again.

"I really did try to leave after that night, but when James showed up on Emily's doorstep publicly begging me to go home with him while silently threatening not only my life but Emily's too, I had to go. He didn't give me any other option."

"That sick bastard!" Paul growled.

"James always knew I would give my own life if it meant keeping them safe and he used that knowledge to his advantage."

I could see Paul's anger growing as I explained what happened the day James came to take me home. It took everything I had left in me to calm him down when I was done.

"There's no point in getting upset about it now. It's over…done. He's dead. He'll never hurt another living soul again," I reminded him.

"Does Carlisle know about this?" Paul asked. "Bella, this can really help him."

I smiled. "He'll know tomorrow."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Our walk to the meeting room was different today. As we made our way through the empty hallway, Whitlock was more talkative than he'd ever been. It threw me off at first but I settled into the conversation quickly. I was even bold enough to ask about his girlfriend, but it surprised me when he actually answered.

"Alice is…interesting."

His hesitation on that last word made me curious.

"Interesting?"

He was smiling ear to ear. "She's a firecracker; outgoing, talkative and always upbeat."

"Everything you're not," I teased.

"Bella, you're hurting my feelings here." He put a hand to his chest. "You're telling me that I'm not upbeat."

"Sorry, I must have missed that ray of sunshine that always shines out of your ass."

He laughed hard at that before covering his mouth and getting himself under control again.

"You see what you want to see, Bella." He halted a step so he could lean down and whisper in my ear. "When you're out, I just might surprise you."

"How can you all be so sure I'm getting out of here," I asked.

During our conversation last night, Paul had used almost the same phrase. I didn't understand their confidence.

"You've got a great team working for you. Alice is working herself to the bone to find every piece of evidence they can use and Carlisle is _very_ good at his job. His sincerity knows no bounds, which helps when he's in front of a jury. He can talk them into anything."

"You sound like you know from experience."

"A couple of years ago, Alice dragged me to the courthouse with her on one of my days off. I've seen the man in action." He looked down at me for a second. "You really are in good hands, Bella. The best," he added.

It made me feel a little better that he believed in Carlisle so much. I barely knew the man so it was harder for me to have that kind of confidence in him. I was about to say something but stopped, remembering what he said about Alice.

"I'm sorry Alice has to work so hard." My eyes fell to the floor. "It doesn't cause…problems between the two of you, does it?"

I didn't want them to have any issues because of me. He just laughed and waved a hand dismissively.

"Not at all. Alice has been this way since the day I met her. She throws herself completely into every case, investigating every detail and leaving nothing to chance."

We made it to the meeting room and I leaned against the wall the way I was always told to do while he pushed the key into the lock.

"She's working really hard for you. She wants you to get out of here." He grinned at me just before he pulled the door open. "She's dying to meet you."

I felt myself smile as he spoke about Alice and her desire to meet me. I couldn't fathom why on earth she would be so determined since she knew nothing about me. She knew what she read, of course, or what Carlisle or Whitlock told her about me, and none of it gave her a clue about the real me. But it still warmed my heart a little that she had just as much faith in me as her boss and her boyfriend did.

Walking into the room with that little smile on my face got Carlisle's attention and a smile spread across his face as well. Sitting in the chair as Whitlock took the cuffs off, I took a chance to really take him in. The stone-faced, well-groomed man in his suit and tie fit the persona he let the world see; a shrewd lawyer out to win his case. It was the kindness in his eyes, however, that gave him away and the smile he wore now as he greeted me showed me a small glimpse of the man inside. Whitlock's words _'his sincerity knows no bounds'_ played in my head as he spoke.

"Hello, Bella. How was your evening?" he asked when we were alone.

"There must be something in the air around here because everyone was pretty quiet last night. For once, there wasn't a single fight or screaming match going on. Just listening to a low hum of voices coming from regular conversation almost made me forget where I was." I smiled at the thought. "Until they called 'lights out' that is."

"I'm glad you had a good night. I wish there were more like that, at least until we can get you home." His voice softened on the last part and that made me think of something.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"I've been here for almost four months now, what happened to my house?" I asked.

Before I came here, I called Palos Verdes home, living in a beautiful house on a cliff top overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It was designed and built specifically for me and I would die if anything happened to it.

"A cleaning crew was sent in to clear up the crime scene after you came here, but no one has been inside since." His brow furrowed. "Unfortunately, since your house was fully paid for, it sits empty right now."

I couldn't stop the pain it caused me to think about his beautiful house. It was the one thing I didn't plan for and now it sat empty, neglected and collecting dust. The pain of that thought must have shown on my face because Carlisle was quick to speak.

"I want you to know that I've taken the liberty of having someone maintain the outside of the house for you. You know, the lawns, structural maintenance and things like that." He exhaled. "I am sorry to say, though, that I can't do the same for the inside. I don't have access, so that has yet to be touched."

"You shouldn't be doing that. It's too expensive. Besides…" He cut me off.

"It's no problem, Bella. I wanted to make sure you had a little something nice when you finally go home. Lord knows there's going to be one hell of a cleanup job inside." He smiled again. "But hey, you'll have the four of us to help you when the time comes."

My emotions threatened to get the better of me again as he talked about caring for my house. His generosity seemed limitless and it struck me again how these four strangers settled themselves into my life, taking care of me and giving me hope when I had given up.

"Thank you," I said as I reached a hand out to grab his. "You have no idea how much that house means to me and for you to go out of your way to take care of it for me…well, that means more to me than you'll ever know."

Brilliant would have been an understatement for the smile that graced his face as I thanked him. He laid his other hand on top of mine, squeezing a little.

"I'll do anything for you, Bella," he assured me. "Please believe that."

The room was silent as our eyes locked for a moment.

"So, moving on from yesterday," I said, disrupting the little moment we allowed ourselves to get caught up in.

I pulled my hand slightly and he let go, moving to his briefcase to pull out that stupid legal pad of his. I made a mental note to burn every one of those things if I ever got out of here. I chuckled at the thought, causing him to roll his eyes at me.

He was the first to speak. "Yesterday you said you tried to leave James but you couldn't. What stopped you?"

Carlisle was all business now.

"James did," I said simply.

"You said it was something he said to Emily. A threat of some kind, right?" he asked.

"Not quite," I said.

"But you specifically said…" he looked at his paper, "…a threat against Emily. Did he threaten her or not?"

"I said a threat against her, not to her." He raised his eyebrow and I could see the impatient look on his face. "He was talking to me when he made the threat," I clarified.

"Okay then, explain." He motioned his hand toward me to begin.

**~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~**

**_March 3, 2006_**

_It only took a day for the doctor to release me to go back to work. I had a couple of broken ribs and my wrist and two fingers on my right hand were also broken, but as long as I stayed away from anything strenuous, I was okay to work. So, by Friday, I was back in my classroom again answering question after question from my students, wanting to know what happened to me._

_I told them the PG version of the story, sparing them from the horrid truth. They asked if they could sign the cast on my arm and, of course, I told them yes, making every one of their little faces light up. It made me happy to be here, and seeing how much my students cared about me made me realize that I needed to take care of myself now. _

_Even after everything that had happened in the past few months between James and I, I still felt a small pang of sadness as I made the decision to walk away. Some crazy part of me still loved him, or better yet, loved the part of him that he was before, but it was nowhere near enough to make me stay with him._

_While my students were out for lunch, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called Emily. She picked up right away. "Hey Bella, what's up?"_

_My hand began to shake the second I heard her voice. "Emily, I - " my voice was as shaky as my hands, "I need your help."_

_The tears started even before I got the words out and there was no way I could hide what I was feeling from her._

"_Oh my god, Bella, what's wrong?" _

_Hearing her frantic tone made me cry harder, hurting my chest and making it more difficult to breathe. I could hear her calling my name and asking me if I was okay, but I couldn't answer. I hung up the phone, cutting her off mid-sentence._

_She didn't hesitate to call back and I let it go to voice mail three times before I could fully catch my breath. Emily was nearly hysterical when I finally answered her fourth call._

"_Jesus Christ, Bella. You scared the hell out of me." She sounded out of breath. "What the hell is going on?"_

"_I'm sorry, Em. I'm sorry. It's going to be okay. I promise." _

_I hoped it would calm her but she fired question after question at me without giving me a chance to speak._

"_Emily, please, just stop," I said with more force than necessary, but it made her stop. "Will you please pick me up after work today?"_

"_Of course, honey, anything you need," she answered immediately. "Bella," her voice softened though she still sounded anxious, "are you sure you're alright?"_

"_I will be." I let out a breath of relief at the thought of going home._

"_Will you tell me what's going on? Why I'm picking you up?" she asked._

"_I'll explain at home okay. I promise." _

"_Home?" she questioned. _

_The bell rang to end the lunch period. "I'll be out front at three-thirty. Please, please don't be late," I begged, wanting to be at home and safe before James got to the house and found me gone._

_The afternoon passed slowly and as the time inched closer to three-fifteen, I instructed my kids to pack up a little early so they were ready to go the second the bell rang. I had my things ready and was sitting at my desk watching the second hand make its revolution around the clock. With one minute left, my kids lined up at the door, ready to go._

_I walked them out as I did everyday but instead of waiting until they were all on their busses, I went to my car and grabbed my suitcase out of the trunk. I had packed a bag before I left the house this morning and I would make arrangements with Jake and Sam to come with me to pick up the rest of my things later. I wished I could've gotten everything out today, but it was impossible._

_Fifteen minutes later, I was pacing the sidewalk, waiting for Emily to show up. I checked my watch again…three-thirty-five. My pacing sped up along with my anxiety._

_Three-forty and I couldn't wait anymore. I grabbed my suitcase and began to walk down the street. I got about a hundred feet before Emily's car pulled up next to me. I yanked the back door open to throw my suitcase inside before I got in the front seat. She sat there, looking back and forth between me and my suitcase._

"_Let's go!" I urged her to move._

_Emily put the car in drive and stepped on the gas. She tried to talk to me but I wasn't ready for it yet. I knew my silence worried her and she was probably freaking out but I didn't want to have to go over this more than once._

_As we got closer to the house, I saw Jake pacing the front yard and Sam trying to calm him down. Emily must have called everyone after she got off the phone with me earlier, and since I hadn't given her any information, she probably made things sound worse than they were. I felt guilty now because they would've had to leave work early to be here before me._

_The car wasn't in the driveway for more than a second before Jake had the door open, yanking me into his arms. My scream shocked him and he let me go immediately._

"_Bella, what…"_

_I could only hold up a finger, asking him to wait while my other arm wrapped around my chest in some vain attempt to take the pain away. Jake finally noticed my cast and he pulled my arm away from my chest._

"_What the fuck happened!" he yelled._

"_Just let me get inside, please?" I begged, looking at him through the tears in my eyes._

_Jake picked me up gently and held me to his chest as he walked me into the house. My arms were around his neck the whole way, not wanting to ever let go of him again. He must have felt the bandage around my ribs because he tried to question me about it, but that only caused me to start crying again._

_He sat on the couch with me in his lap and I held on and cried into his shoulder until I couldn't breathe any more. Sam tried to calm me but it wasn't working and Emily suggested lying me down on the couch to help with my breathing._

_Emily and Leah were kneeling next to me, one holding my hand while the other rubbed circles on my chest. Sam was above me, running his fingers through my hair while Jake was sitting on the couch with my legs on his lap. It was comforting to have all of my friends around me and the feeling of love coming from all of them helped me settle down._

"_Bella, you better tell me…" Jake started angrily._

"_Jake," Emily silenced him._

"_I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you all worry. I just needed to get out of there," I said._

"_Not soon enough." Jake jumped in again. "I'm gonna kill that fucker for hurting you."_

"_No Jake, he didn't." _

"_Don't fucking lie to me, Bella. Are you going to tell me you're wearing a cast for fun?" He was pissed. "Don't try to protect his ass, Bella. I know he did this to you."_

"_Jake, that's enough," Sam growled at him as Emily elbowed Jake in the knee. His voice softened when he turned his attention to me. "Babe, tell us what happened, because when I left the other night, you looked so happy to have James home. What don't we know?"_

_That was such a loaded question. There was so much they didn't know, so much I couldn't tell them but I started with what I could._

"_I __was__ happy when you left; happy to have him home and safe. We went inside and I asked if he wanted anything before we went to bed. He told me that he already had everything he needed for the night." I shook my head. "I didn't think anything of it and we went to bed."_

"_That's all?" Jake asked, sarcastically._

"_No, Jake." I reached out to him and he grabbed my hand. "Not quite."_

_I was getting a little better at telling the story considering this had been the tenth time I had to tell it since that night. I took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly._

"_Since I was ready to head out to look for him, I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. While I was washing my face, James appeared in the doorway, just watching me. I looked into the mirror, seeing him standing there and I smiled at him. He tried to smile back but it was forced. I thought he just felt guilty for leaving me alone all night or for making me worry, but when I hugged him and told him everything was fine, he pulled my arms away and turned his back on me, saying it wasn't fine."_

_I looked at each of my friends and they were all focused on me, looking concerned. Everyone except Leah. Her eyes were focused on my cast and I could tell she wanted to cry. I knew that she knew Jake was right and it was killing her to keep my secret. Her face broke my heart but I couldn't tell._

"_I followed him into the room and kneeled in front of him as he sat on the bed. I asked over and over again for him to tell me what was bothering him and when I told him that I loved him and he could tell me anything, he yelled at me, telling me I shouldn't love him."_

_I felt Jake squeeze my hand and the feeling went straight to my heart. I hated myself for lying to every one of them, but it tore my heart in two to lie to my brother._

"_I was stunned for a second, not really understanding why he would say something like that. I didn't notice him move at first but I heard him saying something behind me, so I stood up to face him. He looked so devastated and his mood put me on edge. I questioned him a bit more and he finally blurted it out."_

_I closed my eyes, unable to look at any of them as I told them the truth…well James' version of the truth._

"_He told me there was someone else. That he had met her a few weeks ago and they've been spending almost every evening together after he leaves the restaurant. "_

"_He didn't." Emily's hand covered her mouth._

"_Of course he did," Jake roared._

_He threw my legs off his lap, causing me to gasp at the pain his sudden movement caused. He began pacing the room._

"_Sorry ass son of a bitch," he said more to himself than anyone else._

_I continued, not paying attention to him. "I didn't want to believe it and I told him to stop lying to me. Well, he felt the need to prove it." I took a steadying breath, looking directly at Emily. "Remember when I called you because he didn't come home on Valentine's Day?"_

"_Oh Bella, tell me he didn't." The look of pity in her eyes hurt me._

_I nodded. "He took her on our date. I knew what he was planning and I went all out to get ready for it, but it was stupid because he planned it for her, not me."_

"_I hope you hit that fucker," Jake yelled, barely able to control his anger._

_I shook my head._

"_Why the fuck not! That asshole basically tells you that you mean nothing to him and you didn't do shit?" The anger in his voice made me cringe._

"_Jake," Sam warned as he moved to stand in front of him, "I told you that is enough. She doesn't need this right now."_

"_Right, what she needs is to get a fucking clue and see the man for what he is." He turned his glare on me. "He's a useless piece of shit, Bella. I've tried to tell you, but you don't fucking listen."_

_Sam was quick to act as he grabbed handfuls of Jake's shirt, shaking him a bit. "Shut your mouth, Jake! I'm not going to tell you again!" he shouted._

_Jake's eyes grew wide. Sam had never raised his hands – or his voice – to anyone before, at least not that we knew of, and it looked like it scared him. _

"_Sorry, Sam," Jake said nervously._

_He shook him again. "I'm not the one you should be apologizing to."_

_Sam let Jake go as soon as he turned to me with regret written all over his face. He came over and kissed my forehead._

"_I'm sorry, Sis. I didn't mean what I said." He kissed my cheek._

"_It's okay, Jake," I said, still shaking a little. "I know how bad it sounds but that's why I'm here. I realized that I couldn't live like that. So when we got home from the hospital…"_

"_Why were you in the hospital, Bella?" Sam asked, still sounding angry._

_I was afraid to answer that question. It was the part I didn't want to tell them._

"_Bella," he called my name again._

"_I…" I looked around at all of them again, hoping they believed me._

"_It's okay, honey." Emily assured me. "It's over. He can't hurt you anymore."_

"_I fell." I couldn't say more yet._

"_Liar," Leah whispered._

"_What?" Jake's eyes shot to her._

"_I said I fell," I spoke before he could question Leah. "When I found out what he did, it crushed me and I just had to get out of there. I ran to leave but he tried to stop me. He grabbed my wrist, trying to keep me with him but somehow," I shuddered, "I yanked myself free. I stumbled and tried to gain my footing but I wasn't steady enough and I fell down the stairs."_

"_Oh God," Emily whispered as she and Leah both started to cry._

"_James called the ambulance right away," I lied. "He stayed right there with me, making sure I was okay." I shivered._

_I would rather pour acid on my tongue than lie to them like this, but I had no choice._

"_He told me he was sorry that he…"_

"_Pushed you down the stairs?" Leah whispered again._

_Damn her. She promised._

"…_ever cheated on me." I continued a little louder, hoping no one else heard her. "He begged me not to leave. He said…"_

"_No fucking way!" Jake yelled again. _

_I closed my eyes tight, bracing myself for the anger that was going to hit me now._

"_He did what!" I felt Jake push away from the couch. "He fucking pushed you? Seriously, Bella, you let that man put his hands on you!"_

"_No!" I yelled. "He didn't touch…" _

_By sheer reflex, I tried to sit up but the sudden movement pulled at my ribs and I lost my breath._

"_Why the fuck didn't you call me?" He was standing over me, his arms flailing while he screamed. "I'm gonna kill him!"_

"_No, Jake…please!" I begged him, the words soft as I still tried to catch my breath. "Please, it wasn't like that."_

"_Then tell me what it was like, Bella. How close to the stairs were you when you 'just happened' to pull away from him?"_

_He made air quotes around the 'just happened' and the look on his face told me he didn't believe my story._

"_Jake, let her talk," Sam ordered._

_Jake listened to Sam and kept quiet but he began pacing the room. I had my breath back and I was able to speak._

"_I promise you, it didn't happen like that. We argued and I ran, just like I said. He just told me that he was cheating on me and I wanted out of there. I didn't expect him to follow me." I was panicking inside, desperate for them to believe me. "I pulled away, lost my balance and I fell. That's it."_

_I hated having to defend James' actions, especially to Jake._

"_He did everything he could for me before the ambulance came," I added._

"_Of course he was nice to you while you're lying on the ground…broken. How else would he get you to believe he didn't do that shit on purpose?"_

"_No, you just don't understand. It was a misunderstanding," I pleaded with them to listen._

"_Bella, you know we love you. We all want to see you happy but it's not with him, babe." The concern in Sam's voice couldn't be mistaken as he sat there and held my hand. All my friends were trying to comfort me…except Jacob._

_Jacob was pacing the floor. He was too agitated to sit down. "Damn son of a bitch… get my hands on… kill that motherfucker…" He growled to himself through clenched teeth while pounding his fist into his hand._

"_Jake please, let this go," I begged. "It was an accident."_

_That got him to stop pacing and he focused his attention on me. "An accident! A FUCKING ACCIDENT, BELLA!" His yelling scared the hell out of me. I had never heard him so angry. "You come over here looking like that and you want me to think…" He couldn't even form the right words; he was so pissed. "No fuck this and fuck him! I'm taking care of this shit." He threw opened the door and stormed out._

"_Jake, no…" I yelled after him but he didn't stop. "Sam, please, stop him before…"_

"_You son of a bitch." Jake's faint voice came through the open door._

_Sam took off first as the girls helped me off the couch. When we got outside, Jake was on top of James and I saw him push Sam away before landing three quick punches to his head and chest._

"_Not so tough now, are you?" Jake taunted him. "What's the matter? Can't hit a fucking man!"_

"_Jake, stop!" I yelled as loud as I could._

_Sam was finally able to pull Jake off of James before he hit him again. I rushed to James' side, checking to see if he was okay. I hated everything he did to me but a part of me still loved him and didn't want to see him hurt._

_As I hit the ground next to him, James was groaning and I turned his head to face me. His nose was bleeding, there was a cut under his right eye and I was already seeing the signs of a bruise to his left cheek._

"_James, honey, are you okay?" I was crying._

_He grabbed my hands and I helped him up to a seated position._

"_What did you do that for?" I yelled at Jake with as much force as I could manage._

"_After what he did, what did you think…?"_

"_I told you he didn't do anything." I lied again. _

_James made it perfectly clear that if I told anyone the truth, I would be sorry for it. I believed he would live up to his word whether I lived under his roof or not._

_I focused my attention back on James and he had wiped the blood from his face onto his shirt and he had a hand to his head which I was sure was pounding from taking so many of Jake's punches. He flinched when I touched the skin underneath the cut by his eye._

"_Bella, I'm so sorry." I didn't expect him to sound so sincere. "Please, babe, please forgive me. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have never ever thought someone else could be better for me than you."_

"_Oh please, give me a fucking break," Jake said. "She's leaving your sorry ass."_

"_Keep your mouth shut, Jake," I warned. "Let me handle this."_

"_When I got home and you were gone, I panicked," James said as if he was never interrupted. "I ran to our room and it didn't look like you had packed anything. But when I saw the picture of your parents was gone, I knew you walked out."_

_James moved to his knees, holding my hands to his chest. I didn't know what to make of his words and actions after everything he had told me in the past two days._

"_You're my world, Bella. I love you. I don't want to live any kind of life without you." A few tears slipped from his eyes as he spoke. "I swear to you, I will never do something that stupid again. Please come home, babe. I need you."_

"_James, I can't live that way," I said, speaking of everything he had done to me. "I can't sit around watching the clock, wondering if you're with another woman every time you're late coming home. I'm not going to be the one to cook and clean for you while you run off with someone else and have your fun. That's not the life I signed up for."_

"_It won't be like that, Bella. I promise." He squeezed my hands before placing one on my cheek._

"_That's such bullshit," Leah yelled this time. "He's just going to hurt you again, Bella."_

"_Babe, I know what they must think of me right now, but you're the only one I care about. Please, I'm begging you to give me another chance." His eyes were pleading with me. "It's supposed to be you and me forever, remember?"_

"_She's not the one who forgot, you asshole."_

"_Leah!" I whipped my head around to glare at her._

_When I turned back to James, his words and the look in his eyes broke my heart because I wanted it so much. I felt my resolve breaking down as I realized that it wasn't just a part of me that loved him. He was my world as much as I was his. Everyone screwed up from time to time and I always believed a person deserved a second chance, but could I give him one. I didn't know if I could trust him not to hurt me again._

"_James," my voice was unsteady, "you hurt me…so much."_

"_I know and I am sorry. I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you." He leaned in quickly to kiss my forehead. _

"_I don't know if I…"_

"_A second chance, Bella. Please, I can't live without you."_

"_James, if I go…"_

"_Don't you even think about it, Bella!" Jake screamed at me again. "I'm not letting you go anywhere with him." _

_He took a couple steps in our direction, but Sam grabbed his arm before he could get any closer. He pointed a finger directly at James as he spoke._

"_If you think, for one second, that I'm just going to stand by while you hurt my sister, you better fucking think again. She may not be able to fight back, but I sure as hell can and I'll kill y…"_

"_Enough!" I hollered, cutting off Jake's threat. "Sam…Emily, please take them inside. I can't think with them out here."_

"_Fuck no! I'm not leaving you alone with him." Jake fought against Sam's grasp._

_Sam was in front of Jake in a heartbeat and I cringed at the sound as his hand made contact with Jake's chest. _

"_Jake, get inside." Sam's voice was menacing and seeing this side of him was scary. "Let Bella figure this out on her own. She needs to do what's right for her, not us."_

_I watched with a sinking heart as they all went back inside the house. Sam had so much faith in me and I didn't want to let him – or any of them – down. I turned back to James, his head hanging low, not looking at me. His shoulders were shaking a little and I could hear his muffled crying._

"_James, I'm sorry. I love you, but I just ca-can't live with you anymore. I heard everything you said but it's…it's too late." I stumbled through my words. "You cheated on me and I don't think I can get past that."_

_His shoulders were shaking more now and as he slowly raised his head, I realized that he was laughing. It was silent but the grin on his face couldn't be mistaken. Chills shot up my back as I saw the humor in his eyes._

"_This is priceless." The laughter died and his eyes were cold. "You really think you're getting away from me that easy." He leaned closer, his eyes and tone deadly. "Not on your life, babe."_

_My eyes went wide as I saw his act for what it was…a show for my friends. He wanted them to believe that he was sorry and things would change so they wouldn't think twice when he took me with him. I tried to yank my hands from his, but it was no use. He held on so tight that I was afraid the pressure would break my left wrist too._

"_I'm going to say this one time…you are not leaving." His glare had me shaking with fear. "You're mine, Bella. Forever." His eyes narrowed as he said the last word._

_He pulled me to him…hard, holding me with one hand behind my head and the other at my waist. To anyone inside, it would look like he was hugging me out of love but there was no love in his embrace. I was starting to think there was no love in him at all._

"_If you ever think of running again…."_

_His voice had that same fake sincerity it had when he threw me down the stairs. He moved his lips right next to my ear and whispered, "I'll kill you."_

_My heart dropped to my knees and my body froze. I couldn't speak and my breaths were so heavy I nearly passed out. He pulled away and very lightly touched his lips to mine before resting his hand on my cheek. He had the sweet look on his face that he always had when he told me he loved me. _

_His fingers lightly tapped my cheek as he began to speak. "Go grab whatever you brought with you, tell them you'll call them later and let's go home."_

_James kissed me again before he stood up and held out a hand for me. I sat there, completely terrified and unable to move. He dropped to one knee, grabbed my good hand and kissed it._

"_Look at me, Bella," he said, sounding like his charming self again. "Please."_

_When I didn't move, he continued, "You're going to get up off this ground and go into that house with a smile on your face. You're going to pick up your bag, tell them how much you love me and tell them you __are__ coming home with me." He paused for a breath. "And if you give them another reason to think I hurt you in any way or that you're less than thrilled to come home with me…well, let's just say that, after I take care of you, you're best friend in there will be joining you in hell…very soon."_

"Emily," I whispered.

_My head snapped toward him automatically and our eyes locked. Those piercing blue eyes cut straight to my heart like a knife and sliced it to shreds. It was no idle threat. His smile held no comfort to it as he stood again and held his hand out to me. This time I took it and walked sluggishly as he led me back to the house._

_James stayed on the porch, waiting for me and, of course, listening to every word I said. I saw the look of disappointment on each of their faces as I reached for my suitcase that was still by the door where Sam put it when we came in earlier._

_I fought to put a smile on my face. "I know what you're all thinking, but please let me do this. I love him and I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't give him another chance."_

_The knife James had plunged into my heart twisted and sliced through my chest as I lied to protect my friend's life. She won't suffer because of me. _

_Jake was there in a second with his arms around me. "No, Bella, please," he whispered. "Don't…"_

_I held him tight. "I love you, little brother," I whispered back, "but I have to go." I backed away enough to see his eyes. "I promise to call you if I need anything."_

_My hand covered his heart. Jake and I were equally stubborn and this was the one gesture he and I used when we wanted the other to really listen._

"_I swear."_

_He kissed me and hugged me one more time before Sam was moving him away. The girls moved in and the three of us were in a group hug with our heads pressed together._

"_Are you sure?" Emily asked. _

_I nodded as the knife twisted deeper._

"_Don't let him hurt you, Bella," Leah whispered._

"_He won't," I assured her._

_It twisted deeper._

_Like always, Sam was last. He wrapped me in his arms and held me without speaking. He didn't have to; I already knew what he was going to say. Just before the silence forced me to tears, he spoke._

"_It's your life, babe, and I'll support you no matter what. Just remember," he kissed my temple and stared me straight in the eyes, "I can always be there in twenty minutes." He kissed my forehead and wrapped me up again. "You just have to call."_

_We said our final goodbyes and I rushed out before the floodgates truly opened and caused them to worry about me even more. James held my hand, leading me to the car. Before he opened the door, he pressed his lips to my neck, moving up to my ear._

"_I love you, Bella. Forever."_

_I shivered at his words and got in the car._

* * *

**Bella and Paul finally made up which is good because she missed him. Whitlock finally started opening up a bit, sharing some things about himself and Alice. And Bella is finally starting to use Carlisle's strength to help her get through the memories that's she's kept hidden for so long. With what's coming, she's definitely going to need all three of them to get her through.**

**Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D **

I've finally had time to start reading again and I have a few quick recs for you. Let's give my non-canon writers some love.

**The first story has owned me since the beginning: Original Sin by BookwormBaby2580**

Summary: What makes a man irredeemable? USC student Bella Swan finds herself asking that question when she gets involved with the sexy, yet tight-lipped Dr. Carlisle Cullen, a man living in a self-imposed purgatory for the undisclosed crimes of his past.

http:/ .net/s/7386483/1/Original_Sin

**The second story grabbed my heart and broke it in half. Who Wants to Live Forever by Lacrimosa Moon**

Summary: When Jasper falls in love with Bella and is given only one moment with her, he is left wondering who would want to live forever when love is lost.

http:/ .net /s/7409709/1/Who_Wants_to_Live_Forever

**And you know I can't leave out my boys. A Tale of Two Cities by TruceOver: **

Summary: Emmett falls hard for a stranger at the airport. Edward refuses to give in. Will they be able to work through their issues and just be happy?

http:/ .net/s/6066757/1/A_Tale_of_Two_Cities


	18. A New Tension Builds

Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH for all of your awesome work. I love you two so very much. **

_Chp 17 Recap – After learning the truth, Bella finally forgave Paul for lying to her and working with Carlisle behind her back. Bella told Paul and Carlisle about the first time she ran away from James. She told them how she lied to her friends so they wouldn't know what she was living with. She also told them about Jake's fight with James and the threat James' made to hurt Emily if she didn't go home with him. Bella is also allowing herself to get a little closer to Jasper. She asked him questions about Alice and he was able to reassure her about her chances to win her case and go home._

_And now…let's get on with the story._

* * *

**Chapter 18 – A New Tension Builds**

**January 12, 2010**

Carlisle didn't waste any time pulling me out of my chair, holding me as I cried.

"It's okay, Bella," he said softly as he rubbed my back. "It's over,"

My cheek pressed into his chest and my arms squeezed tighter as I used his strength to keep me from losing control.

"You didn't see his face," I mumbled. "I knew his threat was real. I knew he would hurt her if I didn't do what he wanted. Why did I have to push him?"

He turned us around and pulled me onto his lap as he sat down in my chair, my head resting on his shoulder. Carlisle grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers together as he spoke softly.

"You had to do what was best for you. You had to do what you could to save your life."

"But I made it worse. James would have left her alone if I just…"

"Stop," he ordered. "Emily told me what happened, Bella, you need to stop blaming yourself."

"But if I didn't try to leave him again, Emily would have been fine. He wouldn't have touched her."

"You'll have a hell of a time trying to get her to believe that."

"What?" I looked up to his face.

"You and Emily are alike in so many ways, and like you, she blames herself for what happened."

I couldn't believe that. Emily barely said a word to anyone after she left the hospital. I tried to see her but she refused, locking herself away, not wanting anyone around but Sam for a long time. He told me over and over that Emily didn't blame me, but that didn't stop me from begging for her forgiveness during every phone call I made. She never accepted it and after the investigation turned up nothing, she let it go, saying she never wanted to talk about it again. But the looks she gave me after everything happened told a different story.

"It's true," he said when he saw the disbelieving look on my face. "She said that had she never gotten in his face and defended you the second time he took you back, he wouldn't have come after her. She's carried her own guilt over this for a long time."

"But she shouldn't. I'm the one who left him. I'm the one he was after," I argued.

"That may be true but you'll never get her to see it that way." He brushed his fingers across my skin before laying his hand on my cheek. "When will you see that no one believes you're to blame?" He lightly kissed my forehead and brought his eyes back to mine. "You were living in hell, Bella. They wanted you out more than anything and none of them will ever let you take the blame for trying to save your own life."

"But how could they…"

Two loud knocks on the door stopped me from finishing my sentence. Our time was up for the day. Carlisle stood us up but turned me to face him with one arm still wrapped around my waist. His other hand brushed the tears from my cheeks then slid into the hair at the back of my neck.

"Bella, I know how hard this is for you, but I would really like for you to tell me your side of Emily's attack." I cringed. "You need to move past it and maybe I can offer you a new perspective of what happened that day."

My breath caught, leaving me standing in front of him unable to speak. Carlisle let me go and took a step back to lean against the table just as I heard the door open behind me. Whitlock grabbed my hands to put the cuffs on.

"Please Bella, it will make a tremendous difference if I know both sides to that story. Emily has already given me her side of it and I need you to make it complete."

I struggled with the thought of telling him. In all these years, I only told one other person what happened to Emily and Jake but that was so he could understand what I had gone through and what we were dealing with.

I knew I had to tell Carlisle eventually but I was still afraid to do it. It would open wounds so deep that I didn't know if I could ever close them again. But, having talked to Emily already, he knew what happened, so maybe the pain wouldn't be so bad…as long as he was there to help me through it.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat. "I'll try."

"That's all I can ask of you, Bella." He smiled. "Thank you and be safe tonight."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

"Can I ask you a question?"

Whitlock looked around to make sure no one was around.

"Ask away," he encouraged me.

"Yesterday you told me that Alice has been working really hard for me. Can you tell me what she's working on? Maybe I can help."

"The last I heard she was tracing your steps after you left Colorado. She's pretty frustrated that she hasn't figured it out yet." He chuckled. "I don't think I've ever seen her have so much trouble before."

"Well, if Paul's praises of her abilities mean anything, at least I know every dollar I paid was worth it," I mumbled.

"All I know is whoever did your papers really did a good job."

"I just wish I knew how James always found me so fast." I looked up at him. "I never stayed more than six months in any given place, at least not until the end."

I had only been in California for a couple of months when running wasn't an option anymore. When James did find me, my first instinct was to get as far away from him as possible. I'd already had everything I needed to establish my new identity but, for the first time in two years, I had a reason to stay where I was.

"Your trail was fresh back then, Bella." Whitlock's comment brought my mind back to our conversation. "And from what I was told, he had so much money at his disposal that it would have been nearly impossible for him _not_ to find you."

"You're right. It seemed like he had contacts everywhere and he definitely used them to his advantage."

It had taken a lot for me to like Whitlock and now that I did, I would do what I could to help him out and if that meant helping Alice so she wouldn't have to work so hard, that's what I was going to do. I slowed our pace down a little so we had a bit more time before talking became impossible.

I took a deep breath. "I want you to tell Alice I went to Nebraska first and my name was Belinda Stevens." I looked at the ground while we continued our walk back to my cell. "I lived in Freemont for about ten weeks, working in a gas station right on Main St." I rolled my eyes. "I guess I should have been smarter when choosing where to work because they found me so fast."

I shivered as I remembered the day James' SUV pulled onto the lot.

"When the SUV pulled in at the pump, James wasn't the one to get out but I had that feeling, you know. Like someone was watching me. With the tinted windows, who could be sure he wasn't in the backseat…waiting."

"How did you know it was him?" Whitlock asked.

I laughed. "Really? James was one to flaunt his money and he loved nice cars. Besides, I was in Freemont, Nebraska. How many Mercedes G-Class SUV's could there be in that town?"

I shrugged, letting the subject go.

"If there was one thing I learned in the shelter, I learned that the second you saw the man looking for you…you leave. You don't think. You don't second-guess. You just leave. So that's what I did," I told him. "I was supposed to work a few more hours that day, but I didn't wait. I told my boss I wasn't feeling well and I needed to go home. They obviously weren't expecting me to act so quickly because they weren't watching."

The feeling of panic washed over me again as I remembered that time.

"I rushed to the room I was renting, threw my clothes in a suitcase, grabbed my cash and left. From there I drove until I reached Burlington, North Dakota. It looked like a nice place so I stayed. I had to live in my car for a couple of weeks until I got my new papers and ID but it was better than James finding me."

"Why haven't you told Carlisle about any of this?" he asked.

"I intend to. We just haven't gotten that far yet," I answered.

"Well if you weren't so damn stubborn and felt the need to fight with him all the time."

His tone sounded more playful than I'd ever heard him use. When I looked up, he had a little smirk on his face.

"Shut up," was my brilliant comeback.

We stopped talking when we reached the block, but I had barely scratched the surface. I knew they needed everything. So, as he was taking my cuffs off, I whispered to him.

"I can give you more information, but it would be faster if I could write it all down." I rubbed my wrists a little after the cuffs were gone. "I'll work on it tonight and, if I can, I'll give it to Pa-" he gave me that 'watch your mouth' look, "I mean Mendez and he can pass it along to either you or Alice."

A look of relief crossed his face. "Thank you," he spoke quietly. "I hope you know how much this will help her."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

After dinner, my pen flew across paper for the rest of the night. I'd never stopped to think about how many places I had gone. I wasn't even halfway through the list and the stories to go along with each one before I heard footsteps.

Setting everything aside, I jumped up to grab my mirror. I always made sure to check just in case he wasn't able to make it in for some reason. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw Paul and sat back down again with my fingers tapping on the floor just past the bars.

My heart fell a little as I heard the two quick taps along the railing. He couldn't talk, so I was either going to have to sit up for another few hours or sleep and wait until tomorrow. Sleep sounded good so I grabbed my journal off the ground, tucked it under my pillow and lay down to get some sleep.

A few seconds passed by before I heard his footsteps slow and something hit the ground. I looked up just in time to see him with one finger pressed to his lips, asking me to be quiet.

After he was gone, I sat up and saw a folded up piece of paper lying on the floor next to the bars. Slowly getting out of bed, I moved to pick up the paper but before I could read it, I heard a second set of footsteps coming from the other direction.

I jumped back into bed and positioned myself so I could pretend to be asleep while peeking to see who else was walking the floor with him. I was confused when I saw Guard Clearwater walk by. He normally monitored the solitary level, so I was left to wonder why he would be up here. Once he passed by, I hurried to the bars to open the piece of paper Paul let for me.

_Give me a few hours. We need to talk._

It was strange that he would do something like that. I was usually the one to seek him out to talk. He'd never once done anything like this before and it had me worried.

Four more guards passed by my cell not too long after Paul and Guard Clearwater passed. It was like they were waiting for something or they could have been looking for something, but didn't know exactly what it was. They had to know they weren't going to find anything just by walking the corridor. The only way to find anything in an inmate's possession was to search their cells and, since they weren't doing that yet – at least not that I knew of – it meant that they didn't know which inmate had whatever it was they were looking for.

The possibilities of what might be going on ran through my head until I heard Paul voice, asking if I was still awake. Without answering, I got up and went to stand with him. He grabbed my hand the second I placed it on the bars between us. I took it as another bad sign.

"What's going on around here?" I asked.

"We're not quite sure. We were all pulled into a meeting when I got here and we were told that security is going to be increased for a while. They were looking for volunteers for extra shifts, saying anyone that could cover would be a big help," Paul explained.

"Okay…but why? Why do they need extra security…especially at night when we should all be sleeping?"

"I don't know about the last part," he said without looking me in the eye, making me more nervous. "We were just told that every shift will have a few more guards on duty making sure nothing goes down."

"That explains why I've seen five extra men walking the floor tonight, but it still doesn't tell me why." I glared at him. "What are you not telling me, Paul?"

He exhaled loudly before meeting my eyes. He couldn't hide his worry.

"There's been talk about some fights brewing with specific inmates being targeted. Some of the guards have overheard talk about weapons being made. The crazy thing is that they're not trying to hide it. It's like they want to be heard, which doesn't make any sense at all." His brow furrowed. "We know who's been making the threats and their cells have been searched but nothing's been found. We're keeping them under tight surveillance so nothing happens but the whole situation just seems wrong to me. I don't know what it is…just a feeling I guess."

"Can I ask you a question?" I asked apprehensively.

"Of course," he answered.

"Does Carlisle know anything about this?"

"I seriously doubt it considering _we_ were just told today." He frowned at me. "Why?"

"The way he left things when our time was up today was… odd," I said. "Now that you're telling me about this I thought maybe he knew."

"What do you mean 'odd'? What happened?"

"Nothing." I shrugged, hoping to not make a big deal about it. "It's just me being paranoid since there's no way he could have known."

"Bella," he caught my eyes, "no secrets."

It was my demand to have no secrets between us and Paul was going to use that against me every time I tried to stay silent.

I huffed. "When I was leaving today, he told me to be safe tonight," I said quietly. "He doesn't normally say that to me, so I thought maybe he knew."

"No. That was just him being protective of you." I blushed when Paul touched his knuckle to the bottom of my chin. "He always wants you to stay safe even if he doesn't say it all the time."

"I know that. But it was the look in his eyes as he said it." I pictured Carlisle's face. "He looked more concerned than normal. It was more like he was worried that something was going to happen."

"It's a natural thing, Bella. Look where you are and look at how many fights you've gotten into since you've been here. Who wouldn't worry?" He shrugged. "Hell, I don't know how many nights I've come in expecting to see another black eye or more bruises only to be relieved to find your beautiful face unharmed."

He winked at me and I rolled my eyes.

"It wasn't even that bad. It's only been a few fights," I reminded him.

"A few a month maybe," he said sarcastically.

"Now you're exaggerating." We both laughed.

"Speaking of Carlisle," Paul said, his expression serious again. "I ran into him in the parking lot again today."

"Again." I was surprised. "But we didn't talk about anything really bad today. I mean I told him about James' threats just like I told you last night, but we were able to talk after and he seemed…I don't know. I don't want to say happy." I thought about the right word to use. "It was more like he was content."

Paul's quiet laughter interrupted my rambling. "It wasn't anything bad, Bella. You have to stop thinking the worst all the time."

He tightened his grip on the hand he had been holding.

"He told me what he asked you to do. And knowing how hard it's going to be on you, he simply asked me to be here for you if you needed to talk. None of us want you to go through this alone."

His empty hand touched my cheek as his thumb brushed away a stray tear that came at the mention of Carlisle's request. I knew I was out of time. I couldn't put off talking about those attacks that finally made me run for good.

"Thank you, Paul," I said, laying my hand on top of his. "I think I'm ready now… or as ready as I'll ever be."

My weak smile didn't reassure him.

"You can tell me about it, you know," he urged. "I already know the some of the story from what Carlisle's told me, but if you want to fill me in on the things he doesn't know, then I'm ready to listen."

"I wish I could," I said. "It's a long story and you can't get caught here with me. Now that they've brought in more guards you can't stay very long."

His disheartened look had me quickly offering another option.

"Listen, try to come back tomorrow because once it's all out, I'm definitely going to need my brother to help me get through the night."

"Watch for me tomorrow, then." His smile was strained as he picked up my hand, kissing the top. "Goodnight, Bella."

Paul let me go and walked away. Before he got too far, I remembered the information I needed to give to Alice.

"Wait, don't go." My voice was a little louder than a whisper and I prayed no one heard me.

When he came back to me, I handed him the pieces of paper I had ripped out of my journal earlier. His brow furrowed for a second as he looked at the folded papers I handed to him, but then his expression changed.

"Passing love notes, Bella," he said in mock disappointment, clicking his tongue at me. "Didn't you learn not to do this in school?"

I rolled my eyes again. "If I _was_ going to be passing love notes, they would definitely not be for you," I teased.

"Right…there's only one person those would be for." He wiggled his eyebrows as he held up the paper and started reading in a girl's voice. "Dear Carlisle, I love you. Please take me away from here and let's make bab-"

"Shut the hell up." I tried to swing at him but he stepped out of my reach. "What the fuck are you…ten years old or something?"

It was really hard to sound angry when all I could do was whisper. And Paul wasn't helping as he stood there covering his mouth trying so hard not to laugh out loud.

"Listen you ass, those are for Alice."

He composed himself enough to join our conversation again.

"I figured." He cleared his throat. "Whitlock told me you would be giving me something for her."

Still glaring at him, I continued. "There'll be more but this is something to help her out for now."

"I'll let her know." He winked at me. "Good night, Bella."

_Asshole. _

With a fake smile, I said, "Good night, Paul."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**January 13, 2010**

The evidence of Paul's words was staring me in the face today. Sitting at breakfast, I counted eleven guards total – nearly double the normal amount – spread throughout the room in groups of two or three. Their stance was tense and as I looked to each small grouping, I noticed their eyes were trained on a certain section of the cafeteria.

Following each group of eyes carefully, I could pick out the three small groups of inmates they were watching. Victoria was being watched, of course. I'd seen some of the others before and they were constantly in trouble, being taken in and out of solitary for one infraction or another.

When I looked towards Whitlock, I followed his eyes to a group of women in the corner. I didn't remember seeing them before, though I'd admit that I never gave much notice of the other inmates around here. These three women were different than the others.

The three of them were huddled together, none of them speaking. Every few seconds, one of them would lift their head, looking over their shoulder like they were waiting for someone to attack. They looked scared and I wondered immediately if these were the ones Paul told me about – the ones being targeted.

Listening to Paul talk last night, it seemed like he was holding something back, not telling me the whole story and my thoughts went wild after he left. I had considered the fact that I was one of the targets and he was keeping it from me. But as soon as my rational mind took over, I realized he would never keep me in the dark about something like that. Now, looking at the three women and seeing their fear, it renewed my faith in Paul but caused a feeling of shame to run through me.

I was secretly glad that it wasn't me because, honestly, I had expected to be on their list. For some reason that still escaped me, Victoria had been after me since I walked through the doors and we'd had more than our fair share of fights, neither of us gaining the upper hand. I had been waiting for her to come after me again but so far, there had been nothing. I just needed to keep my guard up because I knew it was coming.

Once breakfast was done, I headed to the library for my work detail. When I first came here, all I knew about prison work was what I had seen in the movies and I was expecting some kind of manual labor, but I got lucky and was put in the library. Most days I would check books in and out and once a week, I would deliver book orders to the inmates in the hospital ward. I couldn't have asked for anything easier.

After checking in with Guard Crowley in the library, I went to sit behind the desk to serve my few hours before lunch. I had only been there for an hour when the door opened and I saw one of the girls from this morning walk in. Her eyes scanned the room before she walked to the shelves and disappeared.

Seeing her up close, she was beautiful and more suited to be on the cover of magazines, not serving a prison sentence. And she couldn't have been more than nineteen or twenty – too young for a place like this.

Her blonde hair caught my eye a few times as she walked in and out of the rows. When she finally walked into the row that was visible from my desk, I watched her run her fingers down the spines of the books before selecting one. She flipped through a few pages before putting the book back and searching for another.

I went back to the list of books I was checking in for a few minutes before I caught a shock of red out of the corner of my eye. My body tensed but I wouldn't give her any indication that I had noticed her and her girlfriend walk in. The only change my body made was the curling of my hand around the pen I was using, ready to use it if need be.

Neither one of them ever came in here so their presence alone put me on edge but to my surprise, the only sign that either one of them noticed me at all was the whispered 'bitch' as they walked past my desk. My 'fuck you' was just as quiet before they disappeared from view.

Hesitantly, I went back to my work but never fully relaxed my position as I waited for them to start something with me. There was only one guard on duty in here so it was easy for them to make their move if they wanted to. When they had made their way through all of the shelves, they found themselves in the same row as the blonde girl and it quickly became apparent why they had no interest in me.

The blonde did a double take as she noticed who was standing in front of her. The book she was holding hit the floor with a soft thud as it fell from her hand and she backed herself into the corner. She was terrified.

I looked to the guard on the other side of the room but he wasn't able to see anything from his angle. He sat there obliviously reading his own book, unaware of what was about to happen. I looked back just in time to see Victoria throw the first punch, knocking the blonde to the ground.

My chair flew backward as I ran to stop the fight. My hand grabbed a fistful of Jane's hair and threw her back before she could land another kick to the girl's stomach. I watched her lose her balance and fall before I turned back to grab Victoria.

One arm went around her neck and I flipped her around, pinning her to the ground. I got in a few good kidney punches of my own before Guard Crowley pulled me off of her and slammed my back against one of the shelves. He went straight for Victoria and wrestled her back to the ground just as she was attempting to get to her feet.

He must have called for backup because when my head turned left and I saw Jane lying on her stomach with Guard Newton's hand pressing into the middle of her back, keeping her down. Knowing they were taken care of, I scrambled over to the blonde girl.

She was curled in on herself, holding her stomach and crying uncontrollably. I tried to lay my hand on her shoulder but she jerked away from me, sliding as close to the wall as she could.

"It's okay. I won't hurt you. I promise."

I reached out another tentative hand, hoping she wouldn't shy away from my touch. She didn't move this time as I brushed her hair away from her face. Several strands were stuck to her cheek from the blood spread across her face. Her nose could have been broken but she was still hiding too much of herself away from me to tell for sure.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had her wrapped in my arms, rocking her back and forth. I held her to me repeating over and over again that things would be okay. I didn't know how considering where we were, but as I sat there holding this scared girl in my arms, I made a promise to do what I could to help her and make things okay.

He found us huddled in the corner and when my eyes reached his, I saw the sympathy in his eyes.

"She's hurt, Whitlock." I looked down at the girl again. "Please help her."

* * *

**So, we all know who our blonde girl is right? Now the question is, what the hell did she do to not only end up in prison but to piss off Victoria so much that she would attack her for no reason.**

**And I'm sorry but there are no recs for this week. After losing my computer for more than a month, I'm barely getting caught up on all the updates in my box. I will be back with more next time.**

**Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D **


	19. Actions And Consequences

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.**

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH for all of your awesome work. I love you two so very much. **

* * *

**Chapter 19 – Actions And Consequences**

**January 13, 2010**

Dark grey clouds poured buckets of rain on the ground as I watched from my perch at the window. It was fitting for the mood I was in. I wasn't coping well with everything that had happened today and being in this room, knowing what I was supposed to talk about wasn't helping me at all.

The second Whitlock closed the door; I was standing by the window, trying to gather my thoughts. I hadn't spoken a single word to Carlisle and I could feel his tension growing behind me. But I wasn't ready.

Looking at that girl's face brought back so many memories, shaking me to my core. Thankfully, Whitlock was there to help me through the minor panic attack that threatened to overwhelm me after they took her away. His whispered words and gentle touches calmed me and pulled me together.

I hadn't realized how badly I was shaking until Carlisle's hand touched my shoulder, startled me and bringing me back from those disturbing memories.

"Are you okay?"

I could only shake my head, still not ready to speak. He stood quietly behind me, his hand gently squeezing my shoulder, offering me the only comfort he could. His other hand touched my hip just after my shaking hand slid over the hand on my shoulder.

"She was so scared," I whispered, leaning back against his chest. "They had her cornered. There was nothing she could do."

Carlisle stayed silent as I took a few deep breaths. He wasn't pushing me for information like he always did and I was grateful for that.

"I knew what they were going to do and I just sat there watching it happen." I shuddered, my voice lifeless. "Why didn't I get the guard's attention? It didn't have to happen. I could've stopped it. I could've helped her."

I allowed the tears to run free, not bothering to wipe them away.

"What's wrong with me, Carlisle? Why can't I ever help anyone?"

"You did help her, Bella." He flipped his hand over to hold mine before bringing them both to my waist. "Her injuries would have been so much worse if you hadn't been there to get them off of her. You can't blame yourself for other people's actions."

"But I just sat there and watched as they stalked that poor girl." The hand at my hip slid around my waist. "I let it happen."

"There was no way you could have known what they were going to do. They could have just wanted to scare that girl." Both arms wrapped around my waist. "The second they made their move, you were there to stop them, Bella. It doesn't matter what happened before that."

"But…"

"No buts." He turned me to face him. Both hands moved to my face when he saw my tears. "You were the one to save her from them, Bella. You need to focus on that. If it wasn't for you, she could have been seriously hurt." He dropped his arms to my waist again and leaned his forehead against mine. "You're the hero in all of this, Bella. You helped her when no one else could."

I couldn't agree with him but I knew he would never waiver in his opinion either. So I let the situation go for now and changed the subject.

"Come sit with me." I slipped out of his arms, grabbed his hand and led him to the table. "I have a story to tell you."

I pulled his chair to my side of the table and when we were seated, Carlisle reached into his briefcase to pull out his notebook. I put my hand on top of his to stop him.

"Can you please use the tape recorder today?" I asked, nervously.

He eyed me curiously but after a second, he let go of the notebook and reached into a pocket to pull out the tape recorder. I had a feeling that I wouldn't be letting go of his hands too often as I told him about Emily.

"Thanks." My lips curled a little to smile at him.

Our chairs were facing each other and pulled so close together that it was a short reach to grab his hands. I took a deep breath, focusing on our hands.

"When James got me home that night, he didn't waste any time letting me know what a mistake I had made by leaving." I heard his gasp. "Let's just say that I didn't go to sleep that night because I was tired."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_**March 3, 2006**_

_As soon as I was out of the car, I wanted to run through the door to get away from James. But with my ribs in the condition they were, running wasn't an option. His hand gripped my good arm as he dragged me into the house. As soon as the door closed, I was slammed against it with a hand wrapped around my throat._

"_How many times do I have to tell you, Bella," the icy tone in his voice had me shaking, "I'm not letting you go."_

_Arguing would have been a mistake. Luckily the pressure he applied to my neck cut off my ability to speak or I would have made things worse for myself. _

"_I love you, Bella."_

_His kiss he made my stomach turn._

"_You're mine." His eyes bore into mine. "I won't live without you."_

"_No," I croaked._

_Tears were streaming down my face and I could barely breathe as his fingers tightened even more. I didn't mean to say it and as my vision went in and out of focus from the lack of oxygen, I was sorry I opened my mouth._

"_Bella," he laughed and kissed me again, "you and your friends just have to face it, you belong to me. They'll never take you away from me." He sounded like he was speaking in a tunnel._

_My eyes couldn't focus any longer and I was gasping for breath._

"_And if they ever try again, every one of them will be sorry."_

_A tighter grip and darkness closed in around me._

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Needing to rid my head of that memory, I forced myself to look up at Carlisle. I saw the anguish in his eyes but he didn't say anything. He knew, I think, that I just needed his support and not his words right now. When I smiled at him, his face lost a bit of the tension, so I continued.

"For the next month, only one thing really changed," I said. "I believed James lived up to his word to stop seeing that other woman because he was home a lot more than he used to be, which wasn't good for me. He criticized everything I did and with every criticism came a new bruise. He would apologize for every one, of course, and promise to never do it again but I knew better."

"You accepted it." His eyes slid from mine and down to the floor. "You allowed it to continue. That's the one thing I'll never understand."

My eyes found our hands again and moved my fingers in and out of his just to have something to draw the nervous energy away. I went on, choosing to ignore his comment.

"The only thing I could say in his favor was that he had gotten smarter, keeping every punch away from my face. It meant that I didn't have to hide out anymore, but it caused me to make a dramatic change in my wardrobe. I was wearing more turtlenecks and long sleeve shirts than I ever had before just to hide all the bruises. But it was a change I could live with."

Sitting up in my chair, I brought one leg tight into my body and rested my chin on my knee, still playing with his hands in front of me.

"Over the next month, hide and seek became his favorite game." I glanced up quickly, seeing his confusion. I held his gaze and kept going. "I knew the second he walked through the door what kind of mood he was in by the way he would call my name and that would dictate how every night would end."

"Your own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde."

A small laugh escaped. "Something like that."

I went on.

"When he had a good day, it would be a simple 'Bella, I'm home.' He would come find me in the kitchen, wrap his arms around me and kiss my cheek. Those days were nice… peaceful. Those were the days that I could let my guard down and relax. Those were the days he would take care of me and treat me like a princess like he used to."

Even after all these years and everything James put me through, it still hurt a little to remember the loving man he used to be.

"When he had a bad day, it was a really bad day…for me. The roar of his voice when he screamed 'Bella' sent ice through my veins and had me running for my life."

I shuddered, seeing it all in my head again.

"Most times I ran through the back hallway to the stairs before he made it to the kitchen. When I found a place to hide, I did everything I could to stay quiet. If I was under a bed, I would hold a pillow to my face. If I was in a closet, I would hide my face in the some extra blankets that were always on the shelves.

"Unfortunately, no place was safe. James would kick in every door and tear apart the rooms until he found me. Then after he was done with me, he would make me clean up every room he destroyed in his search. To him, it was my fault because he wouldn't have had to do it if it wasn't for me."

Carlisle stilled my hands, holding them tight between us, giving me the strength he knew I needed.

"On top of all of that, I still had to make sure his dinner was on the table at five-thirty sharp. But that didn't always happen. Most nights, while I was hiding from him, the dinner I had been cooking when he came home burned which caused me to have to start again. And because of that, it was always late and that started the cycle all over again, only when it happened, I couldn't hide."

"Can I ask you a question?" he said softly.

I nodded but he didn't speak. When I looked up at him, his eyes were focused on our hands this time.

"Carlisle?" He may not have seen me nod. "You can ask me anything," I said quietly, trying not to disturb the silence too much.

"This is going to sound awful." He shook his head. "I don't ever want you to think that I would want anything bad to happen to you."

I pulled a hand from his, placing it on his cheek. "I could never think something like that about you."

Sliding my foot from the chair, I leaned forward a little as I pulled his chin up, hoping to catch his eyes. Our eyes locked and I felt a tug on my heart as I saw the depth of his agony.

"Carlisle, you are one of the kindest men I've ever known. It's taken me a long time to see it and let you in, but I have and I promise that I won't keep anything from you again." I let my fingers brush his cheek. "I know you would never wish to see me hurt, but with the life I've lived, it's impossible for a simple question to hurt me."

I dropped my hands back to his, lacing our fingers and holding tight.

"Whatever it is, please, just ask."

I smiled, hoping to show him that I was prepared to answer anything he could ask me. He nodded and held my gaze as he spoke.

"Bella, I know this is going to sound awful, but why did you run?"

I didn't know what I expected but it definitely wasn't that.

"I mean, he was…" he paused, his eyes closing, "…he was going to hurt you anyway." He opened his eyes to me. "Didn't it make it worse for you when he finally found you? Did you ever try to stand up to him?"

I smiled. I could definitely understand his question. The answer was easy.

"Carlisle, you see me as I am now…tough, strong and ready to fight at a moment's notice. But you have to remember, that wasn't me back then. I was terrified of what he would do to me so I ran from him. I would hide, hoping he wouldn't find me and not thinking about the consequences when he did." I took a breath. "Sure, it was worse for me when he found me but there were times when I was lucky enough that he didn't. On those days, he would give up and leave the house."

I remembered back to those days when I walked on pins and needles waiting for the beating I would get when he would return.

"I was tense the whole time he was gone, wondering what I would be in for when he came back. But most days, whatever set him off to begin with was gone when he came home and it would be like nothing ever happened." I shrugged. "So I would hide and hope he wouldn't find me. Of course, it only worked for so long."

His eyes narrowed in curiosity, so I answered before he could ask.

"Eventually, he found every possible place I could hide. Nowhere in that house was really safe anymore."

My focus went back to our joined hands and we sat quietly for a few minutes. I was taking deep breaths, trying so hard to open my mouth and tell him the rest. But my courage and my words failed me and I felt my body start to shake.

Carlisle gripped my hand a little tighter than before and it felt nice. It was comforting but I needed a little break before I kept going. So, I pried my hands from his, catching a glimpse of the disheartened look on his face before I was out of my chair.

"Give me a second, please," I asked as I stepped to the window again to pull myself and my thoughts together.

The rain had stopped but the sky was still dark. Ominous clouds stretched as far as the eye could see. I felt the goose bumps make a trail down my back as I shuddered.

_Nothing good happens on days like this._

Standing there for what I could assume was five minutes, was enough for me to steel myself for everything that had to come next.

"How much time do we have?" I asked, glancing over my shoulder.

He looked at his watch. "About an hour and a half."

I exhaled and wrapped my arms around my chest as I stared out the window.

"The next six weeks changed things between us again," I said, continuing with my story. "The abuse never stopped, it only became less frequent. James was spending more nights away from home again and I could only assume he had found someone else to spend his time with. And as backwards as it seemed, I was happy."

"Happy?" he questioned. "Isn't that the whole reason you two argued the night you went to the hospital? You were upset because he was seeing another woman."

"I was but he broke more than my heart that night." Carlisle's arm circled around me and I leaned back against him, keeping my eyes focused on the dark clouds. "He broke me and then two nights later he broke my spirit, shattering any kind of love I had for him.

"He could have spent every night with another woman if it meant he wouldn't come near me. Because of her – whoever she was – my life was mine again. I could visit my friends, they could visit me. It was almost like I was a single woman again. At least I let myself believe that until the night I spent a little too long at the house with Jacob while Emily, Leah and Sam were out of town."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_**June 16, 2006**_

_Smoke assaulted me the second I opened the door. Completely panicked, I dropped my purse and ran into the kitchen._

"_What the hell is going on in here?" I screamed at Jake._

_He was standing in front of the oven, fanning the smoke with a towel towards the wide open patio door. He looked up and grinned._

"_Oh hey, Bell," he said like nothing was happening._

"_Don't 'hey Bell' me," I said as I grabbed the fan from around the corner. "What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to burn the house down?"_

_He laughed and put the towel down as the fan worked faster to clear the kitchen of smoke. With his hands free, Jake crossed the kitchen in two steps, picking me up in a bear hug and kissing me on the forehead._

"_I'm making dinner. Want some?" He was beaming. "The steaks are perfect."_

_Looking over his shoulder, I saw the three extremely overcooked steaks in the broiler pan. I rolled my eyes._

"_Perfect for whom exactly."_

_He set me on my feet again, looking wounded._

"_Come on, a little steak sauce and they're perfect." Jake kissed my forehead again and turned back to the stove._

_I shook my head at him. Typical Jake._

"_Can you please tell me why you chose to set the kitchen on fire instead of using the grill?"_

_The smile fell from his face and he looked like a pouting child. When he didn't answer, I started to laugh because I knew exactly what would cause that look._

"_Sam told you that you couldn't use his grill while he was gone, didn't he?"_

"_It's not like I would have broken it or anything," he said petulantly as he moved the charred steaks to a couple of plates. "How hard could it be to cook a steak? He acted like I was going to start the backyard on fire or something."_

"_So instead of the backyard, you settled for the kitchen," I teased._

_I didn't want to laugh but it was too hard to hold it in. Jake grabbed the towel off the counter and snapped it at me._

"_Well, I'm not letting you eat those," I said, grabbing his hand and pulling him out of the kitchen. "Come on, let's order some pizza."_

_Forty minutes later, we were parked on the couch eating our food and a watching movie. It was relaxing and I was happy to have him all to myself. Jake had been working almost non-stop since he and Leah graduated so we haven't had the chance to spend much time together. I was sort of glad that he didn't go to the family reunion with everyone and we were able to hang out. It had been too long._

_When we were done, I took our plates to the kitchen and headed back to the couch with a couple of sodas in hand. Jake grinned and pulled me down next to him, wrapping an arm around me as I settled into his side. He kissed the top of my head._

"_What was that for?" I asked._

"_I've missed you, Sis. We don't get to hang out anymore."_

"_Hey, it's not my fault you've been working all the time." I elbowed him lightly in the stomach. "Speaking of work, what are you doing here? You've never missed the reunion before. What gives anyway?"_

"_A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do." I felt him shrug._

"_Jake," I said in a questioning tone._

"_Bella." His tone matched mine._

_I elbowed him again, harder this time. "Start talking," I demanded._

"_What? I don't know what you're talking about." He tried to play innocent._

_I turned so I was facing him. "No secrets, Little Brother." _

_He was trying to keep the smile off his face. I poked him in the side._

"_Tell me."_

_His face broke out into a mischievous smirk, but he didn't answer. Whatever he was hiding was going to be good._

"_If you don't tell me, Jacob Black, I'm just going to call Emily and tell her that you really were about to burn down her house," I threatened him._

"_Ha! I knew it! She sent you over here to check on me." He laughed and pushed me away from him._

_She really did, but I wasn't going to admit it. There was something more important to talk about._

"_Don't think you can change the subject," I warned. "You've been working a ton of extra hours. You tell Leah that you can't go to the reunion this year because you're working but instead you're here, burning all the food in the house. What are you hiding, Jake?"_

"_I am working this weekend," he defended himself. "I'm heading out tomorrow on a run to LA. I'll be back in a few days."_

_I shot up and stood over him, pressing his shoulders into the couch. "I know you better than anyone on this planet, Jake, and I know when you're not telling me the truth. Don't make me kick your ass. You know I can do it."_

"_All right, killer. Calm down." He laughed, grabbing my wrists and moving me to sit back on the couch again._

_Once I was sitting, he reached behind him and pulled out his wallet. He took out a folded piece of paper and held it out to me._

"_Only two more long runs and I can finally afford it."_

_All the laughter and playfulness was gone as I looked from the paper to him and back again. _

"_Oh my God, Jake." I lunged at him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "I can't believe it. You're finally going to ask Leah to marry you."_

_His arms went around me. "Yeah, it's taken me a while to get the money but after this LA trip and a run to Texas next week, I'll be able to buy her the ring she's always dreamed of."_

"_I am so excited for you, Jake." I leaned back, holding his face in my hands. "You are going to be an amazing husband and the two of you are going to be so, so happy."_

"_Thanks." He pulled me into a tight hug. "I love you, Sis."_

"_I love you too, Little Brother."_

_Jake and I sat around talking for the next few hours but he needed to get some sleep for his trip in the morning. So I congratulated him one more time before I left. The smile didn't leave my face the entire way home and when I saw James' car parked in the driveway I shut the engine off and ran into the house to tell him the great news._

"_James!" I yelled as I threw the door open. _

_I nearly ran into him as I hurried into the family room._

"_Babe, guess what hap…"_

_The backhand across my mouth cut off my sentence and sent me stumbling back a few steps. I tasted the blood right away, knowing he split my lip open again. For the first time in months, fear didn't completely consume me. I was angry._

_Pulling my blood covered fingers away from my mouth, I yelled, "What the hell…"_

_Another backhand across the cheek silenced me again. His hand was around my neck, twisting me into his body so he was choking me from behind. I fought against the fingers gripping my neck. I managed to get a grip on his little finger, pulling back until he broke his hold. The relief only lasted an instant before his arm replaced his hand, choking me._

"_Where the fuck have you been, Bella?" I couldn't answer. "I came home expecting to find my dinner on the table and what did I find?"_

_James' fist connected with the small of my back and the arm around my neck tightened as my legs gave out. The anger I felt was gone, intense fear taking its place._

"_Come on, Bella," he spoke into my ear. "What did I find? Huh? Don't have anything to say?"_

_He swung me around, slamming me into the wall with his hands pinning my shoulders in place. I was gasping for air, holding my neck with one hand and his arm with the other._

"_Let me tell you then." He pulled me forward and then slammed me against the wall. "I found nothing…no dinner, no girlfriend, no explanation. My house was empty when I came home and where were you, Bella?"_

_I was shaking as his sinister laugh found my ears, causing goose bumps to cover my body._

"_Wait…that's right," he chuckled, "your friends are gone, leaving Jacob all alone. You couldn't wait, could you?"_

"_I just went there to…" I choked out the words._

"_Oh, I know what you went there for." My back hit the wall again. "First Sam and now Jacob, you sure do get around, don't you." _

_I couldn't breathe and I could barely see him through the tears._

"_How many times do I have to tell you, Bella?" His punch landed in my stomach, knocking the air from my body. "You're mine."_

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**Carlisle**

"He just kept hitting me," she choked out, her body doubled over like she was in pain.

"Bella." I shook her. "Bella, sweetheart, it's okay. It's over."

"H-h-he wouldn't s-stop." She was stuttering and gasping for air. "I c-c-couldn't get away."

I turned her to pull her into my arms. Her body shook so badly I thought she was going into convulsions. I could handle the stories but it was this… the aftermath of what happened that scared me the most.

She was crying uncontrollably and the only thing I could do for her was hold her until it was over. She'd broken down before but this may be the worst one yet. If this was her reaction now, I was terrified of what would happen when she told me about Emily.

"It… It hurt so much," she spoke the words into my chest.

"Shh." I tried to soothe her, as ineffective as it was. "It's over, Bella. He can't hurt you anymore," I whispered in her ear.

"Yes he can." Her arms snaked around my waist. "Every memory hurts. I can still feel it." She moved to meet my eyes. "Every word brings it all back and I remember what it felt like. I can feel every punch, every kick like it's happening again."

I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't know what it was like to be in her position.

"I'm so sorry. I hate that I'm the one doing this to you now, making you remember, making you live it all over again."

I couldn't help myself. I leaned in, kissing her once before wrapping my arms around her again. My forehead rested on her shoulder as I spoke.

"I don't want to hurt you. I just don't know another way." I felt my own tears soaking into her shirt.

Guilt was beginning to eat away at me as I saw how much pain this caused her. Every tear she cried because I made her relive her worst nightmare was like a knife slicing into my chest. I loved her and I never wanted to hurt her, but that was exactly what I was doing with every word I forced her to speak.

"Don't." Her arms pulled us closer together. "Don't ever think that. You're not hurting me."

Her voice was steadier and was glad I was getting her back.

"These are the parts that hurt me the most."

Bella let me go and took a step back. My head fell from her shoulder and my eyes glued themselves to the floor. I watched as her hand reached up to my chin and lifted my head and she studied my face for a minute. Her hand moved from under my chin to rest on my cheek.

"I can see it and I don't want you to feel guilty. You give me more strength than I've had in a really long time. You're one of the biggest reasons I'm making it through this as well as I am."

My hand reached up automatically, covering hers and holding it to my face. It felt good for her to touch me like this and her words made me feel so much better. I didn't want to hurt her, but if she believed I was helping her, then I was going to try harder so I wouldn't let her down.

"Thank you, Bella." I turned to kiss her palm. "You have no idea how much it kills me to see you like this, but I promise you, no matter what happens; I will be here for you as long as you let me."

Her face softened and her lips twisted up into a small grin.

"I know. And as long as you _are _here, I have one more story to get through today." She took a deep breath and the stress was immediately visible on her face. "Come with me. I think I need to sit for this one."

I followed her back to our chairs, glancing at my watch as I sat back down.

"How long?" she questioned.

"A little more than an hour."

"It should be enough."

She propped her foot on the chair again, resting her chin on her knee as she grabbed my hand, playing with my fingers again like she did before.

"_I_ can't tell you exactly what happened to Emily, though, I'm sure she told you want you need to know. But I can tell you about James and Emily's argument and I can tell you what happened after James came home the night of her attack."

"That's all I need, Bella."

She hesitated for a minute before she spoke softly.

"After our last fight, I knew I had to leave but this time it had to be for good. So I waited a couple of days for Sam, Emily and Leah to come back from the reunion. It scared the hell out of Leah when she walked into her bedroom and I was sleeping in her bed. I felt bad for that, but I went in there because it was the closest I could get to Jake since he'd already gone to LA."

Her face went blank, her voice slipped back into the monotone she used when retelling her story and her fingers stilled, leaving her to simply hold my hand. These telltale signs in Bella's behavior told me that I wasn't going to like what was coming. So I braced myself for the worst because she needed me to be strong for her. A tear rolled down her cheek and I wanted to wipe it away, but I was afraid to interrupt her as she launched into her story.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**_June 19, 2006_**

_After James left for the day, I packed a small bag to take with me as I finally left this place. There was so much I left behind, but honestly, I didn't want anything from him anymore. James could keep the car, the clothes, the jewelry… anything he wanted. I could always buy more. I was finally getting out and that was all that mattered._

_I left my keys on the table by the door, locked up and walked twenty minutes to the nearest bus stop that would get me to Emily's. They weren't due back until tonight but I still had my key so I could let myself in to wait until they got there._

_An hour and a half and two transfers later, I stepped off the bus and walked the four blocks to the house. Letting myself in, I noticed the house still had the faintest burnt smell, left over from Jake's experiment with the oven. I shook my head and laughed as I closed the door and walked to the closet to pull out the cleaning products. _

_I never did call Emily to tell her the mess I walked in on the night Jake tried to cook. So I figured the only thing I could do was clean up after my clueless brother. He could thank me later._

_A few hours passed and I had cleaned the entire house top to bottom and it was spotless. Unfortunately, that left me with nothing to do for nearly five hours until they got home. I tried to watch a movie but my mind kept wandering to what James would do when he found me gone again. No scenario was pretty but in each one, I saw Sam taking over the role Jake would have played to help me and keep me away from him._

_That made me think more about Jake and I suddenly felt lonelier than I had been. I missed him – well, all of them – so much. I had lost myself without them and I needed them to ground me back in the real world again. I needed them to help me _be me_ again._

_Needing the feeling of safety he always gave me, I wanting something… anything of Jake's to wrap around me, but the only place I was going to find anything like that was in his and Leah's bedroom. _

Why not?_I shrugged, walked into their room and laid down, hugging his pillow to my chest._

_The high-pitched scream jolted me awake and I nearly fell off the bed. The light burned my eyes but I didn't need to see to remember where I was._

"_God damn it, Bella!" Leah yelled. "You scared the hell out of me."_

_My eyes focused and I saw her leaning against the doorframe with her hands on her knees. Sam and Emily were right behind her trying really hard not to laugh._

"_Sorry, Le," I said as I sat up. "I didn't expect to fall asleep." _

_I stretched my arms above my head before bringing the backs of my hands down to rub my eyes. I must have been more tired than I thought._

"_What the fuck!" _

_Sam's growl caught me off guard and I pulled my hands away from my eyes to see him moving Leah out of his way to get to me._

"_Lay down, now!" he commanded._

_My back touched the mattress a split second before his hand lifted my shirt._

"_What the hell, Sam?"_

_I grabbed for the hem to pull it back down, but he slapped my hands away. It wasn't until then that I remembered the bruises. In the past few months, I'd learned to ignore the ache that came with each one and most times I forgot they were there. It was only if I ever made stupid mistakes like this one that anyone had ever seen them._

_Sam's eyes shut tight and I knew by the look on his face the amount of anger he was holding in._

"_Tell me you fell down the stairs again, Bella." His voice was controlled – another sign of his anger._

_I couldn't force a single word out of my mouth. Instead, I reached up to run my fingers over his cheek and then the crease between his brows, hoping to ease his tension._

"_You can't can you?" He was gritting his teeth._

_Sitting up quickly, I threw my arms around his neck._

"_I'm sorry," I whispered._

_His arms went around me but it wasn't the bear hug I was expecting. His hands barely touched me, almost as if he was afraid of hurting me. _

"_They don't hurt, Sam. I'm fine, really." I wanted to assure him so he would tighten his hold on me._

"_Do you think that's what matters?" He pulled out of my grasp. "The fact that they don't hurt anymore. How many times, Bella? How many times has that bastard hit you? And I want the fucking truth this time 'cause, so help me God, if you lie to me again, I'll slap you myself."_

_Tears blurred my vision and I lowered my head. The shame of everything I'd hidden from them engulfed me._

"_I don't know." The words were barely audible._

"_You can tell us, Bella." Emily's hand covered mine. "Let us help you."_

"_I can't tell you." The lump in my throat threatened to choke me._

_Sam's knuckle touched my chin to lift my head. His face lost the anger, leaving sympathy and guilt behind. "I won't let him hurt you ever again, Bella." His eyes shifted between mine and I saw the shimmer that the unshed tears left behind. "Please, tell me."_

"_I can't tell you," he looked hurt, probably expecting me to lie to him again, "because I can't remember. Because I stopped counting."_

_Sam pulled me into his lap and held me while I cried into his shoulder. His rough exterior cracked and his tears finally fell, landing on the back of my neck. His whispered apologies made me feel worse than I already did for keeping this secret from him. _

"_I could have helped you. I could have protected you. I could have kept you safe." His voice was trembling as much as his body. "I should never have let you leave. I should have made you stay. I'm so sorry. This is my fault."_

"_No, Sam." I tried to pull away but he wouldn't let me go. "You can't blame yourself for this. I'm the one who lied. I'm the one who walked away. I'm the one who chose to stay even after I knew what he would do." I gripped his shirt, holding him to me as tightly as I could. "But I'm here now and we can all start over again."_

_He leaned back to look at me, his eyes shifting between mine. After a minute, he shook his head._

"_No. We can't."_

_My stomach dropped and I gasped. He was turning me away. He was telling me I couldn't come home. The only other man I'd ever trusted was telling me that I couldn't count on him. I jumped_ _from his lap and ran from the room, needing to get as far away as possible but as I grabbed my bag, I realized I had nowhere to go._

"_Where do you think you're going?" Sam grabbed my arm and turned me around._

"_I don't… I can't stay… You said we can't…" I couldn't finish a sentence. I didn't have the words to tell him how much he just broke my heart._

_He jerked my arm, slamming me against his chest. He held me so tight it felt like he could have crushed me._

"_You can't leave. I won't fail you again, Bella."_

"_But you said…"_

"_You ran before I could finish." Sam lifted me up and carried me to the couch, sitting me in his lap with his arms around me. "We can't start over, babe."_

_With that one word, I could breathe again. It was our term of endearment for each other and if he was using it now, I knew the worst was over._

"_Not until you tell us the truth." I looked and saw Emily and Leah in tears, sitting together on the coffee table across from us. "No more lies, no more secrets. I want to know everything he's done to you."_

"_I can't." Sam would hunt James down if he knew and that would make this so much worse. "If I tell you, you'll snap like Jake did and you'll hurt him. I can't let that happen."_

"_After everything he did to you, why do you care?"_

_Truth was… I didn't. I didn't care if Sam broke every bone in James' body. He could torture him for all I cared. But the fact remained that anything short of killing him would give James the motive to follow through on his threat. He'd already threatened Emily's life once and with me gone, if Sam dared to lay a finger on him, I knew James would really do it._

"_Please don't tell me that you still love him after all of this," Sam said, sounding shocked._

_It was the perfect excuse. "You can't just turn those feelings off, Sam. I doesn't work that way," I lied._

"_You're unbelievable." He shook his head at me again. "How could you love a man like him?" He closed his eyes and I saw his defeat. "Forget it, babe. I don't want to know the answer. I promise I won't go after him. I won't lay a finger on him if that's what you really want. I just want you to be honest with me."_

_Sam's hand touched my cheek, drawing my head forward to place a kiss on my forehead. As I sat back, his eyes begged me to tell him the truth. I realized I couldn't keep it from him – any of them – anymore._

"_Okay, Sam." I reached a hand back and both girls grabbed me, anchoring me and giving me the strength I needed. "The whole truth," I held his eyes with mine, "but you remember your promise."_

_Sam nodded. I took a few deep breaths. "I guess you can say that it all started on Halloween."_

_I spent the better part of the next two hours telling the three of them what my life with James was really like. Sam kept his arms around me, holding me to his chest. Leah and Emily moved from the table to the floor while both of them kept a hand on me, whether it was my back, my leg, or my hand, it didn't matter. The contact felt good and I felt so much love coming from all of them that I was able to make it through and tell them everything._

_We talked for a while longer and their questions were exactly what I expected them to be, so I was ready with answers. I still had to tell a few lies but they were for their own good. They could never know the real reason I stayed with James. That answer would surely send Sam into a rage that would put him in prison for the rest of his life. No, as much as I loved them, the real truth was mine. I couldn't burden them with that. _

_Our conversation was winding down when a sudden burst of panic hit me. I sat up, grabbing Leah's hand._

"_You can't tell Jake." Fear gripped me as I thought of his reaction. "Please, Leah, I'm begging you, you can't tell him."_

_She shook her head. "Bella, I've kept this secret for you since Christmas. I will not lie to him anymore."_

"_Please, Leah."_

"_Bella, that's not fair," Emily spoke up. "He loves you and it's going to break his heart that you've kept it from him this long. You can't make that worse by telling us and leaving him in the dark." She picked up my hand. "Honey, put yourself in his place. Think about how you would feel if everyone around you was lying to you. Jake loves you and he looks up to you, but if you keep this from him…"_

_A knock on the door interrupted her sentence. My body instantly froze. I knew he was here. _

"_Take Bella to the other room, now," Sam said with his jaw clenched._

_His eyes turned cold and the anger returned. It was a look I'd never seen on his face before._

"_Sam, you promised," I reminded him. _

_He looked at me and I hope he could see my fear. I couldn't let him hurt James. His jaw relaxed though the anger never really left his eyes._

"_Unfortunately, I know."_

_The girls hurried me into the kitchen where we listened as Sam opened the door._

"_Sam, thank God. Is Bella here? Have you heard from her?" He sounded frantic. He always was good at putting on a show. "When I got home from work, she wasn't home, but her car was still there and I've been worried sick. I've been trying to call her, but she won't answer."_

_I pulled my phone out of my pocket, looked at the display and rolled my eyes. Fucking liar never once tried to call me. I put my phone away, listening again._

"_Sorry, I haven't seen her." Sam's voice was cold._

"_Could you try to call her? Maybe Emily's heard from her. Please I don't know what else to do."_

_I heard the screen door creak a little and then, a few seconds later, Sam spoke again. "Sorry, no answer."_

_I never felt my phone vibrate. Sam was playing his game._

"_Can I come in and wait. She would show up here eventually right?" James really sounded panicked._

_I was starting to wonder if his reaction was real but then I remembered how convincingly he played his role the last time he came here for me._

"_She's never been gone like this and I'm afraid something bad has happened to her."_

"_Why don't you go wait at home." Sam's words bordered on rude as he fought his anger. "If she shows up anywhere, don't you think it would be there? Unless she has a reason _not_ to go home."_

What the hell is he doing? James is going to know I told them.

"_No. I promised the last time that things would change and I meant it. Things have been so good lately and I can't stand the thought of something happening to her."_

"_You fucking liar!"_

_Emily's voice caught me by surprise but the slap I heard shocked me. I didn't know when she moved or how she got by Sam fast enough to hit James but I knew without a doubt that things weren't going to end well._

"_Let go of me, Sam!" she yelled. "How dare you show up at my house…"_

"_Emily," Sam said, trying to stop her but she ignored him._

"…_pretending to be some loving, caring boyfriend."_

"_Emily." _

_Her next words were muffled as I was sure Sam covered her mouth. Sam cursed loudly and I knew Emily probably bit him or something to make him let go because I heard her slap him again._

"_You've done nothing but hurt her, you lying piece of shit. And you want…"_

_I heard his laugh and I clung to Leah._

"_Ahh so she is here," he said, cutting Emily off._

"_No she's not here," Emily said quickly._

"_And it sounds like you've had an interesting visit."_

"_She's…"_

_James didn't let her finish. "Bella," he called. "Bella, honey, come out here, please."_

_I could feel my body shake as I heard the change in his tone._

"_James, you need to leave," Sam said._

"_Bella," he called again, "don't keep me waiting, sweetheart."_

_His voice had that same sweet tone he always used while he was hitting me. I was terrified but Leah held me tighter, whispering in my ear that Sam wouldn't let him hurt me._

"_Go home, James," Sam ordered. "I'm sure Bella will call you if she wants to talk."_

"_Is this _really_what you want, Bella? Do you _really_ want to leave me?" he called out his question._

"_Just get the fuck out!" Emily yelled again. "She's leaving your sorry ass and she's never going back."_

"_Em, that's enough." Sam tried to shut her up. _

"_Bella," James said with a little more anger in his voice, "you have three seconds to get out here."_

"_James, we're done with you. Leave now before I make you leave," Sam said, his anger barely contained. I prayed he didn't do anything to make this worse._

"_Fine. I'll leave," he said to Sam. His voice came out a little louder as he called to me again. "Bella, remember I gave you a choice, sweetheart, and _you_chose to leave. I hope you can live with it."_

_His veiled threat stopped my heart. My legs gave out the second the door closed. Leah cried out and Sam and Emily came running._

"_It's over, Bella. He's gone," Sam said as he picked me up._

_I couldn't answer. I had no voice. I made a choice and there, standing at the door, James made one of his own. This was far from over._

"_Come on, let's get you to bed," Sam said quietly._

_It was the middle of the night and the house was dark and silent when the alert from my phone told me I had a text message. I wasn't sleeping anyway and I knew it was from James, so I opened the message to see what he had to say._

_**You're my girl. Don't ever forget that. I love you with all my heart, Bella. Goodbye.**_

_I shut my phone and my eyes drifted closed. There was no way he was giving me up that easily. And just as that thought passed through my mind, another message came through._

_**Tell your friends I'm sorry. And tell Emily goodbye for me. I'm going to miss her the most.**_

_That was the last straw. I knew what I had to do and it was going to break their hearts. But they could go on living without me. It would kill them if they lost Emily. Sam would be lost, Leah would be torn apart and Jake would drown in their grief. I couldn't let that happen to them. I loved them too much for that._

_After I gave the taxi company the address down the street, I wrote a note and apologized for being too weak to stay away from him. I thanked them for standing up for me and begged them to trust my decision to go back. I finished with 'I love you's' and a promise to call if I needed them. I sealed my fate along with the envelope and got ready to leave._

_I dressed quickly, grabbed my bag and snuck out the door. I only had to wait a few minutes for the taxi and twenty-five minutes later, I was knocking on James' front door. He opened it with a smile._

"_You win," was all I could say as I walked past him into the house._

_Waking up the next morning with James' body wrapped around mine, I resigned myself to a life with him and decided that I would make it the best life I could. Rolling over to face him, I tucked myself into his chest. He stirred a little, pulling me closer and touching his lips to my hair._

"_Love you," he mumbled and we both drifted to sleep._

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_For the next couple weeks, James treated me like a queen. He was so sweet, attentive and loving that it took me back to the way we used to be. I was still slightly afraid of which man would walk through the door every day but I was happy that the evil James I had come to know never made an appearance._

_There were more kisses, hugs and tender moments than I was used to and every night we found ourselves snuggling together on the couch to end our day. I never forgot the things he'd done to me but seeing him this way and remembering all the good times we'd had, I found myself falling again._

_I received several calls every day from all of my friends and after we got past all the anger and hurt feelings over my leaving, I assured them over and over again that things were better than they had ever been. I knew they were just checking up on me, making sure I was okay, but it bothered me a little that they didn't trust me. I understood their concern considering what happened the last time I saw them, so I continued to give my assurances and let them know that we were happy again because it was the truth._

_Once they finally accepted my words, we were able to get back to normal and talk about the upcoming party. Fourth of July was always a big deal in our house and with everything that had happened I honestly didn't expect to be invited. But as soon as Emily asked us to come, I was excited for it and the preparations began._

_It was the first of July and I spent the morning shopping, buying groceries for the party. I wanted to be prepared early so I could spend Monday cooking and moving the food from my house to theirs. I finished putting the food away and pulled some steaks out of the refrigerator to put them in the marinade for tonight's dinner when my phone rang._

"_Hi babe," I said when I saw James' name on my screen._

"_Hey, sweetheart, how's your day?"_

"_I just got back from the store and I pulled some steaks out for dinner. Sound good?"_

"_No," he said in a rush. "If you haven't started yet, put the steaks away. I'm going to take my girl to dinner tonight." The tone of his voice told me he was smiling._

"_Okay," I said slowly. "What's the occasion?"_

"_We haven't been out in a long time. Can't I just take you out and spoil you?" he asked. "Besides, you're so beautiful, Bella, and I miss seeing you all dressed up when we go out."_

_My cheeks heated with his compliment. It really had been a long time since we'd been out. Things were so tense with us so often that it was such a nice change to have him acting like this. I was quick to agree._

"_Do you have reservations somewhere? What time do I have to be ready?"_

"_Of course I do; the Broker at seven. Be ready to go by six-thirty and I'll be there to pick you up."_

"_Would you like me to lay a suit out for you?" I offered._

"_Yes, please, one of my grey suits with a matching tie and a white shirt." I let him know it would be ready. "What would I do without you, babe? I'll see you at six-thirty. I love you."_

"_I love you too."_

_I looked at the time when we hung up and I had two and a half hours to get ready. After putting away everything I had taken out for dinner, I ran upstairs to get James' suit ready and jump in the shower._

_Two hours later, I was sitting in front of the mirror, putting the finishing touches on my make up when my phone rang again. I couldn't help but worry when I saw the display._

"_Hey babe," I answered apprehensively. "Is everything okay?"_

_There had been so many nights when we would make plans and he would call at the last minute to cancel. There were some nights when he wouldn't call at all so at least this was better._

"_Everything's fine. I'm just calling to let you know that I'm leaving the restaurant now and I'll be there in about fifteen minutes."_

_I breathed a sigh of relief, happy not to be stood up again._

"_Okay, everything is ready for you. All you'll have to do is change."_

"_Thank you, sweetheart, for going through so much trouble for me."_

"_It's no trouble. Hurry home."_

"_See you soon," James said as he hung up._

_Clasping my necklace put the finishing touch on my look and I went downstairs to wait. True to his word, the door opened nearly fifteen minutes later. Hearing his footsteps bring him closer to me, I smiled at the kiss he placed on the top of my head._

"_Hey, babe, I'm going to change."_

_Looking up from my book, my smile instantly fell when I saw the spots of blood on his shirt._

"_James," I shrieked as I jumped off the couch, "you're bleeding! What happened? Are you hurt? Did you…?"_

"_No, baby, no." He tried to soothe me, grabbing my hands in one of his while he placed a finger over my lips. "I'm fine, sweetheart."_

_My eyes dropped to his right hand and the dried blood there._

"_But you're…"_

"_Shh….it's okay. My nose was bleeding on the way home, that's all." He shrugged. "Dry Colorado air, you know how it is."_

_Having to suffer through several nose bleeds myself during the summer, I understood all too well. It didn't stop me from worrying though._

"_I really am fine." James leaned in to kiss the tip of my nose. "Now let me go change before we're late. I can't wait to take you out tonight."_

"_Take this off," I commanded, tugging at his shirt. "Let me get this in the wash while you change. I don't want it to stain."_

_James took his shirt off and handed it to me before heading upstairs. Knowing I didn't have much time, I hurried to the laundry room, set the machine and treated the blood spots with stain remover before placing it in the water. I grabbed a few more of his shirts to throw in with it to make a small load before shutting off the light and heading back to the family room to wait._

_I didn't even get to read a full page of my book before James came bounding down the stairs. I got up to meet him, stopping in my tracks when I saw him standing at the foot of the stairs. My eyes traveled down his body and slowly back up again._

"_Damn, you look good."_

_My eyes finished their journey up to his face and locked with his beautiful blue ones. His smile brightened his face. _

"_Nowhere near as good as you do."_

_Four quick steps and he had me in his arms, kissing me deeply. We lost ourselves for a moment before he pulled away. _

"_Baby, I would love to take you upstairs right now and make love to you all night, but I promised you a night out and I have an amazing night planned for my beautiful girl."_

_He always knew how to make me blush. Kissing me one more time, he took my hands and led me out the door._

_The restaurant was amazing. With as many places he had taken me in the beginning, he had never brought me here before. It was beautiful. The soft lighting, the dark wood lining the walls and the deep crimson private booths made everything so much more romantic. _

_If that wasn't enough, James went back to his romantic ways and called the restaurant ahead of time and had his favorite centerpiece placed on the table. He must have paid a pretty penny but the two roses – one white and one lavender – completed the setting perfectly._

_I rose up on my tiptoes and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. "Thank you," I whispered. "This is beautiful."_

_James held my hand as I slid into my seat, kissing the top before letting go._

"_I will give you the world, Bella. This is only the beginning."_

_Dinner was wonderful. The food was delicious and we were having fun just being together. It was a far cry from everything we'd been through in the past few months but this was the way it should have been._

Things could be good again. Maybe we just needed some time.

_The night went along perfectly but while we were waiting for our dessert, my cell phone rang. I didn't want to interrupt our night so I reached down to hit the ignore button without looking to_ _see who called. When I brought my hand back to the table, James reached forward to take it in his._

"_Bella, I know we've had some problems in the past but I want us to start over." His hand squeezed mine. "Three days from now is the anniversary of our first date. If you had never invited me to that party, I wouldn't be as happy as I am right now. I love you so much."_

_I smiled with tears in my eyes. "I want that too. I hate the way we've been. That's not us." _

_My phone rang again… and again I ignored it. This was important._

"_We're not those people, James. These past couple of weeks have shown me that we could be happy. I want that for us."_

"_Thank you, Bella. You don't know what that means…"_

_The ringing cut off his sentence. He grinned and squeezed my hand._

"_I don't think that's going to stop. You should answer it."_

_I looked between him and the phone, unsure if I really should answer it or not. _

"_Answer it, Bella. It could be important."_

_I nodded and reached into my open purse to grab my phone. It stopped ringing before I pulled it out but rang again right away. I finally looked and saw that it was Jake. I hit the button and put the phone to my ear but he spoke before I could get a chance._

"Bella, thank God."

_He was crying. That wasn't right. Jake never cried._

"_Jake," I started but he cut me off._

"Bella, you have to get here now. Em's hurt. She's hurt bad."

_My breaths came too fast, I felt like I couldn't breathe._

"_No! What happened?" I gasped, trying to speak through the tightening in my chest._

"I don't know for sure. The cops said…"

"_Cops!" I shouted into the phone, panic taking over my entire body. "What cops? Jake, what happened?"_

"They came to the house,"_he answered between his own gasps for air._"Something about her being mugged."

"_What? When? Who did it?"_

"I don't know. They took her straight to surgery. She's hurt so bad."

"Is she coming?" _Leah's voice sounded in the background._

"Yes, baby, she's coming." _I heard him reassure her._ "Just get here now!"

"_Where are you?"_

"Central. Hurry, please."

"_I'm on my way."_

_I threw my phone back in my purse and hurried to get up. Sometime during my call, James paid our bill and he was helping me out of my seat. He rushed me out the door and the valet already had our car out front. He ran to his side after helping me in and he tore away from the curb._

"_Tell me where to go, Bella," he said._

"_Saint Anthony Central," I answered._

_He turned a corner faster than he should have and the tires screeched._

"_Baby, please tell me what happened. You said something about the cops and now we're going to a hospital."_

_I couldn't answer. I was panicking and my entire body shook with nerves. He made another sharp turn and my shoulder bumped against the door._

"_Bella, talk to me!" he shouted, startling me._

_I yelled back, "I don't know! Just hurry up!" _

_The lights flew by the window, but it was like we weren't getting any closer. _

"_Hurry!" I yelled. He wasn't driving fast enough. "We should be there already."_

_His hand reached over to rest on my knee. "I'm going as fast as I can, baby. We'll get there, don't worry."_

_I pushed his hand away from me. "No! You're not going fast enough! Hurry the fuck up!"_

"_She'll be okay, sweetheart. We'll get there."_

"_Hurry, baby, please." My voice was softer as I cried. "I have to see her. I have to know she's okay."_

_Twelve excruciatingly long minutes later, we pulled into the parking lot just outside the emergency entrance. I jumped out as soon as the car stopped and ran for the doors. James' footsteps sounded behind me but I couldn't stop. The doors flew open as I approached and I ran straight for the nurse's desk. _

"_Emily Young, please."_

_The nurse typed into her computer and read the screen_

"_I'm sorry but… are you family?"_

_James was behind me with his hands on my shoulders, giving me strength._

"_Yes. She's my sister," I lied._

_She eyed me for a second, wasting precious time, but she finally conceded and gave me directions to the waiting room. James grabbed my hand and we nearly ran down the hall. When we made it to the doorway, I saw Jake pacing the room. Sam was sitting in the corner with his arms wrapped around himself, rocking back and forth. Leah had an arm around Sam, trying to keep him calm._

_As much as I wanted to hold him, I bypassed Jake all together and ran to Sam, throwing my arms around his neck._

"_I'm sorry, babe. I'm so sorry." _

_The bone-crushing grip he had me in couldn't be tight enough as we cried together for Emily. Some time passed before he let me go and I noticed Jake and Leah were sitting to my left and James was on my right with a hand stroking my hair._

"_What happened, Sam?" I asked, desperate for information._

"_The cops came to the door. They told me she was attacked. Her purse was stolen and she was left in an alley." His voice cracked a few times._

"_When?" I asked. "Who found her? Did they catch who did it?"_

_He shook his head. "I don't know who found her or when. All I know is that the cops showed up at the house about seven thirty, told me what happened and then the three of us rushed here."_

"_We waited for someone to tell us something," Jake said angrily, "but they just stuck us in this room and told us we had to wait." He started pacing again. "The cops questioned _us_, asking us where _we_ were and who _we_ were with like we were suspects or something. Stupid fucking sons of bitches… like we could ever do anything to hurt her."_

_Leah was up with her arms around Jake. "Honey, it's okay. They had to ask. You want them to find whoever did this, don't you?" She whispered something in his ear and he sank into her._

_Sam's lifeless voice took my attention away from them. "The nurse who told us to wait, said Em was in surgery and they would come to see us when they were finished," he said. "I can't lose her, Bella. She has to be okay."_

_Sam was always the strong one and it hurt to see him look so lost. With my arms around his neck again, I held him while he cried._

"_She'll be fine," I chanted into his ear._

_I was barely aware of the hand on the back of my neck. "Bella?"_

_Turning my head, James' sad eyes looked back at me. I instantly felt horrible because I completely forgot he was there. Sam was my priority and keeping him calm was the most important thing to me._

"_I'm going to step out for a minute but I'll be back soon, sweetheart."_

_Letting go of Sam, my fingers brushed James' cheek. "Please don't leave."_

"_I won't leave you." A kiss brushed my forehead. "I'm going to get some coffee. You could all use some, I think."_

_I looked back to Sam and he just shrugged. After kissing him on the cheek, I stood up and grabbed James' hand._

"_I'll go with you."_

_He nodded and kissed my hand. "Okay."_

_His arm went around my shoulders as he guided me out of the waiting room. We walked in silence and when we stepped into the empty elevator, James pulled me into his arms, holding me tight._

"_Baby, are you okay?" he asked as he ran his fingers through my hair._

"_I just don't understand," I mumbled into his chest. "Why Emily? She's never hurt anyone. How could someone do that to her? How could they leave her like that? How could they…?"_

"_Shh, baby, stop," he said as he turned my face to up to his. "I know you love her but you can't worry yourself like this. The police will do whatever they can to find the person who did this."_

"_And what if they don't? What if they…?"_

"_Baby, stop." He smoothed my hair back, held my face in his hands and stared into my eyes. "Emily has to be our focus now…and Sam, of course. They need us right now. We can't be worried about things that are out of our control."_

"_How can you be so calm about this? Emily's been in surgery for," I looked at my watch, "more than three hours. What could be taking so long? Why haven't they told us anything?"_

_He crushed me against his chest again. "You need to trust the doctors now, Bella. The cuts aren't that bad and once they stitch them up, they'll send her to recovery and you'll be able to see her."_

_James lifted my face to his, his eyes begging me to believe him._

"_Emily will be fine, Bella. You'll see." His lips turned up into a smile before he softly touched them to mine. _

"_Promise?" I asked when he pulled away. "Can you promise me she'll be okay?"_

"_Yes. I can promise you… she'll be okay."_

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

"Are you serious?" I yelled, ripping my hand out of hers as I stood. "That sadistic son of a bitch!"

I paced the length of the room twice before my anger went through the roof and I kicked my chair over.

"Just when I think that asshole couldn't sink any lower, you tell me something else that makes me wish he was still alive so I could kill him!"

I thought about it for a minute and in my mind I could see myself strangling the man. I could literally see my hands around James' neck, squeezing the life out of him as he had tried to do to Bella so many times.

I heard Bella's quiet voice but I was too pissed off to even register her words.

"After seeing Emily's face and the scars she's forced to live with for the rest of her life, I knew how hard that must have been for you to live with. But I can't fucking believe that you helped him cover it up."

"What!"

I heard her scream this time but I was too agitated to care.

"A fucking bloody nose! Washing away the evidence! That fucking asshole knew exactly what you would do."

I stopped pacing and punched the wall in front of me, picturing James in front of me.

"That fucker knew you would rush to his side!"

The blood on my knuckles could have been his.

"He knew you'd clean up his fucking mess!"

My hand throbbed the instant I felt the bones break.

"And then that fucking act at the hospital, pretending he was concerned."

Before my other hand could make contact with the wall, Bella's hand grabbed my wrist and she threw me hard into the corner. Her body pushed against mine as she pinned my arms behind me.

Her lips were moving but I couldn't hear the words. I was focused on the tears pouring from her eyes as they flickered back and forth between mine. The fear I saw there brought me back from wherever my mind had taken me and I finally heard her speak.

"…do this without you. I need you."

Her lips were on mine before I could respond. The kiss was filled with desperation as she poured every bit of her fears into me.

Bella pulled back just enough to speak. "Stay strong for me, please." Her lips were back on mine the second the words were out.

Her hands left mine to wrap themselves around my neck, pulling me closer. All the tension ran from my body and I gave in to her kiss. My arms moved from behind me and one hand went into her hair as the other wrapped around her waist, holding her tight.

As my grip on her waist tightened, the pain in my broken hand caused me to break the kiss. My forehead fell to hers but I refused to let her go when she attempted to step back.

"I'm sorry," I whispered through heavy breaths.

"You scared me," she whispered back.

Her words broke my heart. I pulled her to me, holding her as tight as I could while keeping my broken hand from touching her.

"God, Bella, I'm so sorry."

"I tried to stop you. I tried to explain. I tried… But you wouldn't…" Her trembling voice faded.

My arms squeezed tighter. "Please don't cry. I just…"

I didn't know how to explain myself or my actions. After everything she'd been through, I could only imagine what I must have looked like to her. Releasing my hold on her, I reached up to hold her face in my hands. My eyes caught and held hers.

"All the guilt you've felt over what happened…" I paused. "You shouldn't have had to carry that burden, Bella."

I wiped away the tears sliding down her cheeks.

"He planned it. He planned all of it, knowing you'd play your part in his little game perfectly."

Her eyes dropped from mine but I quickly ducked down to catch her gaze again.

"He used you – someone he claimed to love – in the worst possible way. There was no way you could have known what he'd done. You did what you thought was right at the time. You can't feel guilty for doing what anyone would have done in your position."

I leaned in, brushing my lips against hers before bringing her into my arms again.

"You, my beautiful girl, are the strongest, most loving person in this world and I refuse to let you continue to carry the weight of what happened any longer."

Two hard knocks on the door made us both jump. Our time was almost up for the day. I pulled away from her, placing one hand on her cheek and holding her eyes with mine.

"Try for me, please. Let this guilt go. It's not yours to carry, Bella." I kissed her once more. "It never has been."

* * *

**Now you know what happened to Emily and why Bella feels so guilty about it. James tricked her into covering his tracks and then made her his alibi. Could the man sink any lower? You know, sometimes I wish James was still alive just to watch Carlisle get his hands on him. That would be a very satisfying experience. LOL**

**Okay, really quick, before I go, I want to tell you about a few awesome stories I've been reading the past few weeks. **

**Transcendence by Savage7289 http:/ /www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7570951/1/**

**String Theory by theladyingrey42 ****http:/ /www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7589412/1/**

**Come Closer by Chloe Masen ****http:/ /www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7281366/1/**

**Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	20. The Road To Answers

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.**

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH for all of your awesome work. I love you two so very much. **

**A/N: Sorry this has taken me so long to update. This chapter wasn't cooperating with me but I finally pushed through it. Also, we're going to jump a little bit into the future here and Alice is going to try and lighten things up for us a bit.**

* * *

**Chapter 20 – The Road To Answers**

**January 13, 2010**

I spent my evening the same as the last, writing more information about my time on the run. For Whitlock's sake, I hoped that Alice was able to use this information so she wouldn't have to be away from home as often trying to search for something she may never find. And for Carlisle's sake, I hoped it gave him what he would need to defend me without having to ask too many questions about that time.

I really wanted to gloss over all of that, never wanting to talk about who was helping me or why because, in the grand scheme of things, it was all unimportant – I ran…James found me. Simple as that. The only thing Carlisle needed to know was that James kept me on the run for nearly two years before I finally gave up and settled down to live my life.

Looking back now, my decision to do so had been the biggest mistake of my life, but it was an amazing life while it lasted. It was more than I had ever expected and more than I had ever dreamed of. He was the best thing that happened to me in my fucked up life. If only I hadn't made that one mistake. If only I hadn't fallen asleep. If I had never…

"Um…Is…Isabella?"

The quiet voice saved me from the memory, bringing me back to the cold, hard reality of the life I lived now.

"Can I help you?" I asked the tall blonde standing at the opening to my cell.

I wanted to cringe in disgust as I saw the swollen eye and bruises dotting her face but that was a sign of weakness. And weakness was something I'd never shown here.

"I just… Can I…?" She tried twice, not really sure of what she wanted to say.

"Can you…?" I impatiently repeated a version of her words back to her, waiting for her to fill in the rest.

When she didn't speak, I asked again. "Can you what?"

"Thank you," she said quickly.

Surprised as hell, those weren't the words I was expecting. No one ever said that around here. Of course, no one ever had reason to.

"You're welcome," I said, dismissing her to return to my writing.

I wrote a few more sentences before the awkward girl now standing _in_ my cell became impossible to ignore.

"What do you want?" I snapped at her, making her flinch.

After what she'd already been through earlier in the day, I should have felt bad about that, but I didn't. Aside from Victoria and her bitch, no one ever bothered me and I liked it that way. But for some reason, this girl felt the need to go against my desire to be left alone.

"M-my name's Rosalie… Rosalie Hale," she stammered. "I was told you could help me."

Rolling my eyes, I continued to write as I answered. "You were told wrong."

I helped myself in this place. Distractions like the tall blonde were ones that I couldn't afford.

"Please," she begged. "That girl…the redhead. She won't leave me alone and I hoped you could – I don't know – keep her away from me."

"Why would I do that?" I asked, still not giving her my full attention.

"You already helped me. They could have killed me before but you stopped them."

"I stopped them once. Don't think I make it a habit to protect everyone in this place from that bitch." I turned to her. "You need to learn to protect yourself, Rosalie, because in this place, no one's going to do it for you."

Turning back to my journal, I dismissed her a second time. I heard a sniffle and a very small 'please' but I ignored them both and continued my writing.

I felt bad for her, I really did, but there was no way I could get involved in her issues with Victoria. She'd already painted a big enough target on my back and I would be damned if that target expanded to include this kid simply because she was standing near me. I had to be harsh. It was the only way to keep her away from me.

A few more sniffles and quickly retreating footsteps were all I'd heard from Rosalie Hale that night. As the hours passed, her quiet plea continued to run through my mind, distracting me from my task as I was up constantly, pacing my small space after lights out.

She couldn't ask for my help. It wasn't safe for her. If Victoria was already after her, adding her hatred of me to the mix was the worst idea possible. If she ever tried again, I had to keep pushing her away. It was the best thing for her.

"Penny for your thoughts."

My body spun to face the bars at the sound of Paul's voice. I didn't realize it had gotten so late and was surprised to see him standing there. Usually, I heard him coming but I was so lost in my own thoughts that I'd missed it.

"Paul," I said breathlessly as I took two quick steps to be near him.

"Hey beautiful." He took my offered hands, quickly touching them to his lips. "What's got you so worked up?"

"I can't help her, Paul. There's nothing I can do for her. She wants me to, but I can't. They'll make it worse if I try." The words tumbled out of my mouth.

"Slow down, Bella. What are you talking about?"

"The new girl. The blonde." He still looked confused. "Did you hear what happened to her today?"

"Yeah," he lowered his eyes briefly before bringing them back to mine. "I also heard you were there to help her. I'm proud of you, you know that?"

"I don't deserve that."

"Yes you do, Bella. Given your own problems with those two, you didn't hesitate to throw yourself into a situation that didn't concern you and you know how dangerous that is around here."

"But what if all I did was make things worse for her?" I asked. "I've caused so many problems in so many lives; I don't think I could take ruining another one." I pulled my hands from his, taking a step back. "She's just a kid, Paul. What is she… eighteen… nineteen, maybe?"

"She's seventeen," he replied, cutting off my thoughts.

"Oh great, even better," I said sarcastically. "She asked for my help, but I can't give it to her. I already have enough problems with Victoria and you and I both know what she'd do if she thought that girl meant anything to me."

Falling against the wall, my hands flew into my hair, gripping hard enough to pull it out.

"God, it's like James all over again. What do I have to do to get away from people like that?"

Gaining a little control over my temper, I stepped back to the bars, gripping them until my knuckles turned white.

"Victoria already knows that she can't get to me and as nice as this cease fire between us has been, I'm not stupid enough to think she's given up. She's planning something, Paul. I can feel it and if I let the kid anywhere near me, all she'll end up being is a pawn in whatever plot Victoria comes up with to draw me into another fight." I paused, connecting my gaze to his. "I know she wants me dead and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest to take her with me, but I will not – under any circumstances – have that girl caught in the middle of this.

"I don't know what happened to get her thrown in here, but she doesn't deserve this and she sure as hell doesn't deserve to get beat up or hurt or, God forbid, worse for a fight that was never hers to begin with."

His expression softened and understanding filled his eyes as he pried my fingers away from the bars.

"Believe me; I know what a tough position this puts you in. You're not the type to turn your back on someone in trouble. And I know your decision to walk away from this girl, leaving her to fend for herself, has got to be eating away at you. But Bella, you're not turning her away because you're heartless or because you don't care." He took in a deep breath. "I know enough about who you really are to know that you're doing this for her own good…to keep her safe. You don't have it in you to make this choice simply because you're looking out for yourself. The fact that it's bothering you this much shows me otherwise. Just as you always have, you're putting her safety above all else."

Paul touched his knuckle under my chin, holding my eyes with his.

"You're the most selfless person I know, Bella. When it comes to this girl, trust your judgment. Do what you think is best for her _and_ for yourself. Who knows," he shrugged, "the decision you make that helps her could be the same one that saves you."

I thought about his last sentence, but I didn't see how it was possible to help her and get Victoria off my back at the same time. She was going to keep coming after me until one of us killed the other. I was ready for that fight.

"Now that we got that settled," his face settled into a mask of concern, "you want to tell me how things went with Carlisle today?"

"God," I groaned, leaning my head against the bars, "I really fucked that up."

"What the hell are you talking about? You told him about Emily, right? Don't tell me that he doesn't think it'll help."

I looked up and saw his confusion. _Oh why did I have to open my big mouth?_

"Tell me what you told him. If I knew maybe I could help him find…"

"No, Paul, it's okay. I told him everything and I'm sure he'll figure out a way to use it."

"Then what?" he questioned me.

Exhaling, I resigned myself to tell him. He was just going to drag it out of me anyway. Dropping my eyes to stare at his chest, I spoke.

"I told him a lot of things that happened before Emily got hurt and he took everything in stride like he normally does. When I finally got to Emily's story, though, he changed."

"Changed? Changed how, Bella?" he asked. "Tell me what you told him."

"I can't." My voice cracked.

"I'm sorry." He picked my chin up again. "I didn't mean to demand you tell me. I just want to understand."

I loved his sincerity but he had to know that I wasn't keeping it from him on purpose.

"It's not that. It's a long story and even if we had the time, I don't think I could go through it all again." I thought about it for a second and added, "I had him record our meeting this time. I'll tell him to let you hear it or give you a copy or something."

"Okay," he agreed before his face turned serious again. "So what changed, Bella? He was acting normal and then…"

His sentence died in the air, waiting for me to fill in the blanks. I always hated talking about this with him.

"I went through my whole story with him and he seriously flipped out. He was yelling; sometimes at me and sometimes at no one in particular. He kicked at the chairs, sending one flying a couple of feet backward. Then," I paused, a little afraid to tell Paul about this.

_Just get it over with, Bella. He's going to hear it on the tape anyway._

"Then he started throwing punches." Paul's lip twitched and his eyes narrowed. I rushed to reassure him. "Not at me, I swear. He started punching the wall, mumbling things that made no sense. He just completely lost it and it scared the hell out of me. I didn't know what to do. Talking didn't work and yelling at him had no effect, so I did the only think I could think of."

I hesitated. I didn't want to tell him.

"And that was?" he asked.

"Ikissedhim." I rushed the words out.

"You what?"

I could feel my face turn bright red as I watched Paul try to hold in his laugh.

"You heard me." I didn't want to say it again.

"No really." He smirked. "You did what?"

The veins in his neck tensed with the effort he was using to keep from laughing. Glaring at him, I crossed my arms over my chest. The strain was evidently too much to take and his hands shot to his mouth as he burst into hysterics.

I swung at him through the bars. "God, I hate you."

These were the times when I really hated that I had to whisper just to talk to him.

"What did I do?" He chuckled as he danced away from my hand. "You're the one kissing people."

"Fuck off!" I said, turning my back on him.

"Aww Bella, don't be so serious all the time." His laughter quieted a little. "So what if you kissed him. You like him. There's nothing wrong with that."

"There's everything wrong with it. He's my lawyer. We shouldn't be doing things like that. There are lines that just shouldn't be crossed." I exhaled. "And I don't like him…not like that."

The last three words faded into a whisper.

"Okay, you're right. Maybe you shouldn't be doing things like that now but honestly, waiting until you get out of here might just be too hard." Paul hesitated for just a second before continuing. "You always thought I was kidding before but that man is so in love with you, Bella. And I'm sure it's taken a lot of restraint on his part to keep himself from acting on those feelings. Now that he's had just the slightest taste of…"

I glared at him.

"I don't mean it like that." He laughed. "I meant that after having the chance to kiss you even once, it's got to be killing him not to do it all the time.

"Think about it. If you love someone and you see them in trouble, upset or hurting in any way, isn't your first instinct to comfort them? A simple hug or a kiss to make them feel a little better." I was about to answer but he kept talking. "If you can say yes, then think of how he must feel not only to see you here but to listen to everything that you've been through in your life. His only option at the moment is to hold you and give you that reassuring kiss to let you know that he understands and that he's right there with you."

"Yeah but…"

"No buts, Bella. It was the same for you too. You can fight it all you want to but I know you care about him too. Can I say its love?" He shrugged. "No. But there are strong feelings there. I can hear it in the way you talk about him. Today, you saw him hurting and upset by what you told him and you didn't think. That kiss was your first reaction. That kiss is what's real…what's in your heart."

"I can't, Paul. I can't feel that way about him," I argued.

"Why not? What's so wrong with letting yourself love someone?"

All the air left my lungs and an agonizing pain gripped my heart as a pair of green eyes flashed through my mind. He had asked me the same question once back when the question was easier to answer.

My eyes filled with tears as I remembered him. I held onto the bars like a lifeline to keep me from falling to the ground under the weight of the memories.

With pained eyes, I looked back to Paul. "I can't let myself hurt like that again." I choked on the words.

"Please don't cry." One hand found mine while the other touched my cheek. "What happened, Bella," he spoke softly.

The pain made it hard to breathe. I wasn't ready. I couldn't tell him.

Reaching up to pull his hand from my cheek, I placed a single kiss on his palm. "You have to go."

"I'm not leaving you like this." He pulled his hand away and wiped my cheek.

The lump in my throat nearly choked me. "You can't stay."

"Tell me what you meant, Bella," he said, concerned.

"They can't catch you here."

"They won't. Just talk to me."

"I c-can't," I stammered. "Please, Paul, just go," I plead with him.

"Bella."

"Just go."

Looking defeated, he finally agreed. "I'm sorry. I'll go, okay."

"I'm just not ready, Paul." Tears streamed down my face.

He grabbed my hands, kissing the top of one. "I'm here when you are."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**Alice**

**February 8, 2010**

"I miss you, Ali. Any idea when you're coming home?" Jasper asked sounding thoroughly depressed.

When Bella finally broke down and began giving us a list of all the places she'd been, Carlisle and I decided that the best way to get the information we needed was for me to go and interview as many people as I could firsthand.

The only problem was, with so many of the places being small towns, flying and driving in and out of the major airports was too expensive and too much of a hassle to deal with. My best and quickest option was to drive from one city to the next just like Bella did while she was on her own.

I felt horrible for having to be away for so long, but it was crucial to her defense. She could say James chased her all over the damn country but it would make our case that much stronger if we had other witnesses to testify to the fact that they saw him not only present but also harassing her.

So, that's what I was doing. I was scouring city after city in what looked like a big loop from Nebraska, then west and down the coast to California, talking to anyone who would give me anything about the time Bella lived in those cities. I was picking up some good information and found a few who were willing to testify on her behalf.

"I wish I knew, baby. It's been nearly four weeks and I'm only halfway through her list." I sighed. "I just can't believe she went through all of this just to get away."

"I can," he said. "From everything Carlisle's uncovered in the past few weeks; I'm surprised she didn't find the cash to just leave the country."

"He would have found her anyway, Jazz."

"I know." He exhaled heavily. Then his tone turned playful. "You know she's still mad at you, by the way." He chuckled.

I giggled through my own response. "I figured she would be."

"She was definitely not happy when I told her you took off to retrace her steps. She thought giving you all the information would give you a chance to be home with me more often." He stifled a laugh. "_I_ knew what you would do with the info she gave you. I just didn't have the heart to tell her that you'd be gone the minute those pages hit your hands."

"Does that ever bother you?" I asked.

"Does what bother me?" he asked in return, sounding puzzled.

"That I would pick up and go like that in a moment's notice?"

Jasper knew what it took to do my job and he'd always just accepted it. In all our years together, I'd never asked him what he thought about it. Now that I'd been on the road for a month and possibly looking at another month on top of it, it made me wonder if it upset him that I put my job and our clients in front of him.

"I've always loved your dedication. It's one of the reasons you and Carlisle are so good together. Both of you treat every case like it's the most important thing in the world. And to me or someone else on the outside looking in, that may not always be the case." He was silent for a minute. "But then I look at it from the family's perspective. To them, it _is_ the most important thing because what you do determines whether or not their family member spends their days at home or in a jail cell somewhere. What you do, Alice, can decide whether a family stays together or gets torn apart."

"So you don't get angry when I just leave home?" I asked again.

"You fight hard for your clients, Ali. And you do what it takes to keep families together. How could I possibly get angry with you for that? I knew what I was getting into when we started dating."

I remembered those early days when we would have a hard time going out on dates because I was always working late on one case or another. But he stuck around, always making time when it was convenient for me so I couldn't 'slip through his fingers' as he used to say. He understood me and never asked for more than I could give him. It was what I loved about him the most.

"Do I wish you were home more?" he continued.

I knew this question was rhetorical, so I waited for his answer.

"Of course, but only because I miss you when you're gone. I don't resent you at all for leaving because I know what you do makes a difference in people's lives. I would never stand in the way of that." He was quiet again but then added, "Especially now, with Bella's future at stake."

He had said he always admired my involvement with our clients but this was the first time he'd ever gotten personally involved. Once all the secrets were out and he started to get to know Bella on a personal level, he'd come to care about her too. He was all in and would take the good and the bad with this case if it gave us the best chance to win.

"You know, Jazz, even though I'm not home with you, I'm glad she thought to do that for us."

"She's got a big heart, Ali. Even now, sitting in that cell, she still thinks of everyone else before herself."

"I can't wait to meet her," I said. "I'll finally get to meet the person you have all been talking about because, let me tell you, she is a far different person than the one I'm getting to know out here."

Thinking about all the information I'd gathered from the people who knew her, I had a clear picture of a terrified and paranoid woman. The Bella I was getting to know was a woman who would flinch at even the softest sounds. She was a loner, never making any friends or speaking to people around her. She lived like a ghost and if people became too familiar with her, she ran.

"She's like two different people, Jasper," I mused.

"She almost had to be to survive as long as she did," he concluded.

He was right. If she weren't afraid of her own shadow in the past, James would have easily found her and dragged her home with him.

"So, where are you heading to now, darlin?" Jasper asked, changing the subject.

"I just crossed into Washington," I answered, a yawn following my sentence.

"Ali," he voice had a warning tone, "honey, how long have you been on the road?"

"I left Montana this morning, Jazz. It's only been about eight hours," I said, exasperated.

"Alice, you need to…"

I jumped in to stop him from worrying. "I'm fine, Jazz. You don't have to worry about me."

"When you're away from me, I do have to worry. What if you fall asleep while you're driving?" he asked, worried. "You know your reflexes aren't as fast when you're tired."

"Oh Jazz, you worry too much." I loved him for all his concerns but they were wholly unnecessary. "I work longer days than this when I'm home and I've never had a problem with my driving."

"Yeah but on those days you're not spending all day in the car either. Did you know that…?"

I loved Jasper so much but there were times when he just needed to stop talking and trust me. I had to cut him off again.

"Jazz…baby, stop please. I'm pulling into a hotel right now," I told him, hoping to put his mind at ease. "I'm going to check in, call for room service and relax for the rest of the night."

"Promise?" He sounded skeptical.

"Oh Jazz, I love you." I couldn't help telling him. "And I promise. I'm keeping myself safe and stopping when I need to. I'll make it back to you, I swear."

"I'm sorry, Ali. I miss you so much and I just want you safe," he confessed.

"I know, baby." My heart clenched with how much I missed him. "I'll be home soon."

Parking in the closest space to the door, I shut the car off and grabbed my bag from the back seat.

"Hold on, Jazz," I told him as I made my way to the registration desk. "Reservation for Brandon, please."

Knowing where I was going to stop for the night, I had called for a reservation before I hit the road this morning. The clerk behind the desk typed the name into her computer just as Jasper voice sounded in my ear.

"You know you can only use that name for so long, right?" he asked, playfully.

The biggest smile crossed my face at his words. For being a lawyer who had to hold to the rules of confidentiality, my boss didn't keep secrets very well. We'd spoken to each other several times since I left and in one of our conversations, he had let it slip that Jasper planned on proposing when I got back. I was ecstatic and just hearing him hint to it made me giddy. He didn't know I knew, of course, so I decided to tease him.

"Promises, promises, Mr. Whitlock. Should I hold my breath now or should I wait a few more years?"

"Not funny, Ali," he grumbled.

"Ya know I'm just kiddin', darlin'," I said, giggling as I over exaggerated the slight Texas accent he still had.

My attention turned back to the clerk for a second while she gave me my key and directed me to my room. I thanked her and walked away before he spoke again.

"Very cute," he said sarcastically.

Luckily, my room was just around the corner and a few doors down so I reached it quickly. Once inside, I fell onto the bed and, with nothing but love, told him exactly how I felt.

"Jasper Whitlock," I said his full name to make sure he listened, "you should know by now that I'm going to be with you forever. I love you and, ring or no ring, nothing is ever going to change that."

"I love you too, Ali. More than anything."

Another smile crossed my lips at his declaration, but he wasn't finished.

"And when you get back, I'm going to show you just how much."

* * *

**Aww isn't Jasper so cute. I just love him. And Alice is on the move, trying to find the answers about Bella's past. She's going to find out some interesting facts and some great people who helped Bella along the way. She really does have more friends than she thinks she does.**

**Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	21. A Look At The Past

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.**

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH for all of your awesome work. I love you two so very much.**

* * *

**Chapter 21 – A Look At The Past**

**Alice**

**February 10, 2010**

"Why on earth would she live here," I groaned as I bundled myself up in a coat, two scarves and a thick pair of gloves.

I still had thirty minutes before my meeting, but with the snow on the ground, I needed to be a little more cautious than normal. When I was finally buttoned up, I grabbed my bag, my keys and headed to my car.

If my license plates didn't give me away, my lack of speed told every driver passing me on the road that I wasn't from Forks – or from anywhere it snowed, for that matter. But I made it to the small school building safe and sound with ten minutes to spare. Jasper would have been so proud of me. That thought made me chuckle as I got out of the car and rushed into the warm building.

The small hallway served as a place to store coats and wet shoes before the kids made it into the open play area of the day care. As I was about to walk through to the main room, a voice called from a small office to my left, catching my attention.

I turned just as a tall, raven-haired beauty walked through the doorway. With a soft smile on her face, she held her hand out to me.

"Hello," she shook my hand, "you must be Alice. My name is Carmen. I run this daycare center."

Carmen took a step back, eyeing me from head to toe. She laughed and met my eyes again.

"From the looks of you, you're definitely not from around here. So tell me, Alice, what have you come to see me about?"

"Can we speak privately?" I asked.

Her smile faltered a little before she fixed it back in place.

"Absolutely. Come into my office."

She led me inside and motioned to the chair in front of her desk just before she took her own.

After setting my bag on the floor by the chair, I removed my coat, the gloves and one scarf, placing them on the coat rack behind the door before taking my own chair. Reaching into my bag, I pulled out my leather bound notebook and opened it to pull the picture from the pocket.

As I looked across the desk, Carmen already looked tense and I had a feeling that showing her this picture would make it worse. In her notes, Bella had told us that Carmen was one of the few people that fought to protect her and I didn't expect it to be easy to get the information I needed.

"Carmen," I said her name softly to ease her fears, "I work at the Cullen Law office in California and I'm here on the behalf of Isabella Swan."

I slid the picture to the middle of her desk. Her back stiffened slightly and her smile became strained.

"I'm sorry. I don't know anyone by that name." Her voice was cold. "I can't help you."

"Please, I'm sure you've seen her story the news. So you would know what happened to her." I waved a hand toward the picture. "We're doing everything we can to help her and I need information from the people who actually knew her."

"I don't recognize her. I'm sorry." She tried to brush me off again.

"In my research, I have learned that she worked here for a few months in 2007. You would have known her as Celina Jacobs," I informed her. "If you could, please help me with a little information from that time. It would be a tremendous help to her defense."

"I'm sorry, Ms. Brandon," her tone was cutting, "I can't help you."

Frustrated, I tried to think of a different tactic but she spoke first.

"I'm sorry, but if this is all you came to see me for, I believe we have nothing left to speak about." She was formally dismissing me.

Suddenly, I remembered what Bella wrote in her notes about Carmen. I almost laughed when it hit me because I believed she knew this would happen.

"Carmen," I spoke sweetly, "we can get nowhere in life without trust and faith."

I recited the words just as Bella had written them. As soon as they were out, Carmen laughed quietly to herself and relaxed her shoulders.

"That was the first thing I said to her to get her to open up to me."

Her eyes were distant as she smiled, obviously remembering her past with Bella.

"I used to ask…"

She started into her story immediately, but I stopped her.

"Sorry, Carmen, but do you mind if I record this?" Her face turned cautious. "It allows me the ease of having a normal conversation with you," I told her but it looked like she needed more assurance. "I swear to you, this recording will stay with me. Not even my boss will hear it. I promise you complete discretion."

She hesitated and I knew she was considering whether she could trust me or not. I stayed quiet, not wanting to say anything that would make her too uncomfortable. With a heavy sigh, she nodded. Reaching into my bag, I pulled out my digital recorder and set it on her desk between us.

"Thank you," I said as I pushed the button to start the recording. "Please, continue with what you were saying."

"Well, as I said, I used to ask her what was wrong because it was clear that the girl had problems." She grimaced. "It wasn't until the day a strong wind came through, catching the front door and slamming it shut, that I realized that whatever it was went well beyond normal irritations."

"What do you mean?" I asked though I knew the answer. "Why would that make a difference?"

"The kids were outside with one of the other teachers and Cel or…um…what did you say…Isabella?" she asked, unsure.

I nodded. "Just Bella."

Carmen nodded back. "Bella was cleaning up the mess the kids made with their lunch while I was picking up and sorting some of the toys and books on the other side of the room. When that door slammed, I didn't think anything of it and finished putting the books away. But when I turned around, she was gone.

"Again, not thinking anything of it, I headed towards my office to finish up some paperwork before the end of the day. That was when I saw her curled up under one of the tables, rocking herself back and forth. It wasn't normal and when I went to check on her, I heard the whispering… 'He's not here. He's not here.'"

My heart clenched at the thought of Bella so terrified. Carmen looked to me with sad eyes.

"Her eyes were shut tight and she was chanting it over and over and over again. It scared me. I hadn't made any noise as I kneeled down next to her, but it was almost like she sensed me there, and she stopped breathing all together. I touched her arm, hoping to bring her out of it or at least get her to open her eyes, but the instant I touched her, she shot to the other end of the table as far from me as she could get.

"You can imagine how much worse I felt when I took in her reaction. I knew then that she needed some serious help. I refused to let her leave, so she spent the rest of the afternoon in my office while I took over for her out here.

"I checked on her often and on one of my trips, I left her with that one sentence. It was something my mother used to tell me when I was having problems as a teenager. It always made me feel better and want to open up to her. I just hoped that she would think about it until I came back and we could talk."

"And did she?" I asked and then added, "Did she talk…that day?"

"Oh yes, she talked. In the two months that she worked here, I don't think I'd heard her talk so much, not even to the kids. We were sitting in my office until well after midnight before she finally talked herself out, I think."

Carmen began rubbing her temples as if to rid herself of some tension. I didn't even have Bella's whole story and I wanted to do the same thing often.

"She told me everything; the boyfriend, the beatings and the trips to the hospital. She told me about her friends and then she panicked as if the same thing as going to happen to me simply because she told me the truth. It was all so heartbreaking and I didn't know what I could do to help her.

"In the end, all I could really do was be a friend to her. Give her that shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to when she needed it and just be with her when she needed to have someone close by." She finished with a shrug.

"She must have really trusted you to let you in like that. I don't think she does it very often," I told her. "For us – well my boss, really – it was like pulling teeth to get her to open up. They fought and argued for months before she finally started talking."

"She is a stubborn little thing, isn't she?" Carmen laughed. "We became really good friends through all of this but within a couple of months, I noticed her starting to distance herself again."

"Did she ever tell you why? Or did she just run without saying a word?" I questioned her.

"She would simply say it was nothing and leave it at that. If I tried to question her more about it, she would refuse to talk to anyone for the rest of the day. It was so odd and I didn't understand it until..." A small grin turned up the corner of her lips.

"Until what?" I asked when it didn't seem like she would finish.

"Until I saw her at the diner one evening after work," was all she said.

My forehead creased with the confusion I suddenly felt. She laughed loudly when she looked up to see my face.

"She was with a man."

"Bella? Really?" I asked, shocked.

She nodded quickly. "Yes. I think I was just as surprised as you are now. She never even entertained the thought of being _near_ a man. But there she was, standing at the counter with Ben Cheney looking at her all starry-eyed and practically drooling over her."

_Cheney… Cheney. Sounds familiar._

"I know that name," I said, perplexed. "Why…?"

An even bigger grin crossed Carmen's face. "Ben Cheney," she said with a shrug. "He's the mayor's son. And boy, did he have it bad for that girl."

Suddenly, I was extremely interested in this conversation. From what I could gather, Bella never let herself near another man after she left James. Whoever Ben Cheney was, he must have really meant something to her.

"Now, Cel…I mean Bella, always claimed there was nothing going on between them, but he was always popping up around town just to see her. She got her food at the diner most days and he was always there." She chuckled. "From what I hear, he started paying for all her meals."

My eyes widened at that news. She read my shocked expression immediately and clarified.

"Really," she said quickly. "Mrs. Cope, the lady who runs the diner, she told me that Ben walked in there one day, laid down a hundred dollar bill and said that she was no longer allowed to take Cel's money."

"What did she do when she found out?" I asked.

I knew what the woman sitting in the prison cell would have done but I was still getting a feel for the old Bella. Her actions were so unpredictable back then. I couldn't figure her out.

"You mentioned earlier that she used to fight with your boss." She made it sound like a question so I nodded. "That's a far cry from the girl who lived here."

Carmen stood up. "Would you like some water or something?"

"Water would be great," I answered and she walked out of the office.

I knew she was stalling and decided to give her the time she needed. I couldn't imagine that there would be anything she could tell me that would be worse than Bella killing someone, but maybe, to her, there was.

She walked back into the room with two bottles of water, handing one to me before sitting back down. Taking a long drink and a deep breath after, she was finally ready to continue.

"She scared me back then."

That wasn't what I expected at all.

"You know how small towns are, so it took less than a week for the news of what Ben had done to make it back to Bella." Carmen's eyes were focus on the desk – on Bella's picture. "She stopped coming to work. She wouldn't answer her phone. She simply disappeared.

"I waited a few days before I went to check on her, but there were no sounds coming from her apartment when I knocked on the door; no television, no radio, no…nothing. I thought she might have left town. With everything she'd told me of her past, it seemed to be her first reaction."

She stayed quiet after that and the silence was making me nervous. I wanted to say something to bring her back to the conversation. I had a feeling, though, that if I did, I wouldn't get the whole truth. I didn't dare move to even look at my watch to know how long we sat in silence. I gave her the time to collect herself enough to keep going.

"She'd described her ex to me once," she finally said. "She told me that if I ever saw him, I needed to find her, make sure she got away and then she handed me a key. I had never needed it and almost forgotten I had it until that day."

Carmen leaned forward on her desk and rested her chin on her clasped hands.

"I knew she rented a furnished apartment so I'd expected to see all the furniture still there, even if she wasn't. But the place was spotless, almost like no one ever lived there at all. I had walked through the small hallway, glancing into the bathroom to see it in the same condition as the living room and kitchen. The bedroom was the same; bed made, nothing out of place. I'd figured she'd gone and I felt bad…upset. I'd really liked her and I had hoped she felt safe enough here that she would have stayed."

She pulled in a ragged breath, blowing hard as she let it out. I did the same, realizing I'd been holding my breath while she described walking through the apartment.

"I was about to leave, already a couple of steps into the hallway when I heard it; just a small whimpering sound. I froze, didn't make another sound as I listened, but I didn't hear anything else.

"I don't know what made me turn around, but I found myself back in the bedroom. I just stood there, listening. The silence was uncomfortable and I started to get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I turned to leave again but this time my eyes caught the closet door.

"My hands were shaking when I reached for the doorknob, I didn't expect anything to be in there considering the look of the rest of the apartment, but that didn't stop me from being a little afraid."

My heart was pounding in my chest as I pictured everything she was describing. Bella hadn't explained any of this in her notes to me. She simply told me that Carmen helped her and kept her sanity in check while she lived there. I found myself feeling a little afraid, even though I knew Bella was fine and she got out of this place unharmed.

"If I didn't hear the whimpering again, I would've missed her under all the blankets. Getting on my knees, I pulled two of them out of the way before I saw her. She was asleep and the part of her face that I could see through her hair was scrunched up like she was in pain. Without thinking, I reached in to move her hair out of the way. She screamed something that sounded like 'don't touch me' and threw herself into the back of the closet."

I gasped. Knowing how Bella used to hide from James when they lived together made it so easy to picture her hiding under a pile of blankets in a closet when Carmen found her.

"It took me several minutes to calm her down, but when I asked her to come out and sit with me, she refused."

"What did you do?" I asked. "Did you finally get her to come out?"

She shook her head. "No. She felt safe there and I just couldn't force her to leave any place that made her feel that way. So, I did the only thing I could do." Carmen took another sip of her water. "I sat in the closet with her."

She shrugged and sat back in her chair again with a small smile on her face. She looked satisfied with her solution and I understood why. She would never push Bella for more than she was ready for.

"I sat against the wall with my legs stretching out the door. She got back under the blankets and laid her head in my lap. We sat in that closet and talked for hours. At least until I started to get hungry."

Grabbing her water bottle, she drained the last few drops before tilting it in my direction.

"Are you going to drink that while it's still cold?"

"What?" I shook my head. "Oh…yeah."

I twisted the top off and took a drink, watching the water quake in time with my trembling hand. I knew Bella left Forks without incident, but hearing what she went through while she was there affected me more than I thought it would. I could finally understand why Carlisle would come back to the office some days after a meeting with Bella looking haunted. The stories she had shared with him were a million times worse than the one I was listening to.

"She told you about Ben, though, right?" I prompted. "And why she hid herself away like that, especially from you. I mean, she trusted you enough to tell you about her life, but when she obviously needed help, she didn't go to you."

"She believed, since she was now the talk of the town that she had to distance herself from everyone. I told her that wasn't true. We all cared about her here and it was obvious that Ben cared about her…or at least he wanted to." We both laughed at that. "I didn't want her to be alone and after a lot of coaxing, she finally came back to work. She may have changed her routine a little but she went back to her life."

"So what about Ben? Did she try to talk to him? Did he back off?" I asked, curious how she handled herself with him.

"She didn't want to, but Ben's not one to take no for an answer."

Carmen chuckled but I couldn't stop the worried look from taking over my face. James wasn't that type of man either and I would hate to have someone else hurt her. She noticed the look on my face and hurried to put my fears to rest.

"I know what you're thinking and it was nothing like that." She gave me a slight smile. "I talked to him after that night with her and told him he needed to back off and give her some space. He agreed but the next thing I knew, he was standing at our front door with flowers in hand, ready to ask her out on a date."

"Did she accept?"

She shook her head still with a smile on her face. "Not at first, but after shamelessly begging her to talk to him, they walked out of my office smiling with a planned date for the end of that week. I'm sure I don't have to tell _you_ how shocked I was, but when I asked her about it, she seemed happy. So I let it go."

"Did the date go well?" I couldn't help but ask.

"It must have because I believe they dated for about a month before she finally left town."

"You believe?" She sounded unsure. "You mean you don't know for sure."

"Neither one of them came right out and said they were dating, but rumors are easy to start around here. People would say they saw him coming and going from her apartment. There were 'accidental' meetings at the diner. Little things like that make people talk."

Carmen paused a second and her brow furrowed and a frown appeared.

"Even though neither one of them admitted to it, Ben was heartbroken after she left. He moped around town and he never dated. Now that I think about it, I don't think I had even seen him talk to another woman for a while after that. He had asked me several times if I'd heard from her but I never spoke to her again."

"So you don't know what made her leave?" I asked.

"Of course I do," she said quickly.

I cocked an eyebrow, waiting for her to finish.

"One of those _accidental _meetings landed their picture in the paper." She shrugged. "Bella was gone two days later."

"She picked up and left that fast?" I asked, still unable to believe that she could move on so quickly. "Doesn't that seem _odd_?"

"Knowing how she had lived her life, I've always assumed that she had a new identity stashed away, ready to use at a moment's notice." She shrugged again. "Who knows…maybe she even had more than one."

"It wouldn't surprise me at all if she did," I said and then refocused our conversation back on the picture. "Do you think having her picture in the paper is how James found her again?"

"Can you think of another way? Then again, how would he have even seen it? Forks is nowhere on anyone's map. What would drive him to look through newspapers around here?"

"From all the places I've been, he had to know she was hiding out in small towns. How hard would it be to subscribe to their papers or look them up online if they were available?"

"I guess you're right. You know," she chuckled again, "seeing herself in the paper was the reason she left. I wonder what she would say if she knew how much her picture was in the paper after she was arrested."

"What? She hadn't lived here for a long time. Why would she be in your papers then?" I asked, shocked by this piece of information.

"Oh, it was a huge deal to people around here. The mayor's son and his involvement with a murderer. Can you imagine the scandal that caused around here? The rumors were flying. I heard it all." She rolled her eyes. "They were still secretly seeing each other? That she killed her ex so she and Ben could be together. There was even talk about him funding her escape. It was all ridiculous?"

Carmen may not have thought anything of the rumors, but that brought up the one question that I'd wanted an answer to for a long time.

"Carmen, you knew Bella was a teacher before she left Colorado, right?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Well, creating a false identity takes money and, being a teacher, she didn't make a lot of money. How do you think she afforded to change her identity so many times without help?"

She looked wary, so I had to be careful with my next question. I didn't offend her in any way.

"Do you think it's at all possible that Ben did help her?"

She sat quietly for a moment with her eyes on Bella's picture again. She reached a hand out to touch it and smiled.

"To help her, that would mean he had to talk to her. He was always so convincing when he would ask if I'd spoken to her." She looked back up at me. "I saw his face…the hurt in his eyes. I've known Ben a long time and I have a hard time believing he was lying to me."

"Even if it was his only way to protect her?" I asked. "After all, you lied to me, quite convincingly I might add, when I first got here. If Bella hadn't given me all of the information herself, I might have believed you."

"Very true." The corner of her lips turned up into a crooked grin.

Opening a drawer to her left, she pulled out a piece of paper and grabbed a pen. She scribbled something quickly and handed me the paper.

"If you want answers, Alice, I think Ben would be the one you need to talk to. I don't think he'll be any more willing to talk to you than I was, so give me a few hours to call him before you do. I'll make sure he knows that you're only here to help."

"Thank you, Carmen. You have no idea what that means to me and what it will mean to her."

I only had one question left for her and I believed I knew what her answer would be but I had to ask just to be sure.

"Can I ask you for one more thing?"

"Absolutely."

"I'm putting together a list of character witnesses for Bella. Given your relationship with her, would you be willing to tell your story in court? It would be such a great help if we…"

She held her hand up to stop me. "If it'll help her, I'll be there."

I thanked her for all her help and she walked me to the door. She laughed again as I bundled myself back up.

"Yeah, she stood out then just as much as you do now." She stepped outside with me. "Alice?"

Her voice caught my attention as I walked the few feet to my car. With my hand ready to open my car door, I turned to her.

"When you get back, will you tell her that I miss her and that I wish I could have helped her more?"

Carmen's eyes teared up and I could see how much she still cared about Bella. I couldn't deny her request.

"Of course. I'll make sure she knows."

With a nod from each of us, I was back in my car on my way to the diner to pick up some lunch before heading back to my room.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

I was sitting in my room with the television on low as I transcribed my meeting with Carmen earlier in the day. My phone rang and I glanced at the clock, frowning as I realized how late it was. I had already said goodnight to Jasper so I knew it could only be Carlisle. Given the time, I knew this was going to be a long call.

"Hey boss, can't sleep?" I asked.

Carlisle always had trouble sleeping when his meeting with Bella was a bad one. Jasper had told me that he heard a bunch of yelling today during their meeting but neither Carlisle nor Bella were in the mood for talking when it was over. With him calling me now, at least I would get some answers.

"_Sorry I'm calling so late, Alice. How did your meeting go today?"_

"Great actually. Carmen gave me some great information and agreed to appear as a character witness for Bella."

I didn't know if I should tell him about Ben until I knew I could get anything out of him, but I figured it couldn't hurt to mention the meeting I had scheduled with him.

"I'm going to stay here an extra day, though. Carmen mentioned someone here who may have helped Bella out while she was here _and _after she left."

"_That's great."_

He definitely didn't sound like himself. Something must really be wrong.

"Carlisle," I said softly, "are you alright?"

"_This is just so hard, Alice." _I heard his heavy sigh. _"For the last week, I've listened to her talk about the fights she would get into with him."_

"She actually fought back _before_ she left?" I asked, surprised by this news.

"_She said it was after she found out about Emily."_ He paused for a second before continuing. _"About a month after Emily got out of the hospital, she was still scared and keeping herself locked away from the world. So Bella went over a few times a week to check on her and make sure the others had everything they needed._

_"When Bella got home one night, she got into an argument with James. He was upset because she was over there all the time taking care of them when she should have been taking care of him and their home. Bella argued that Emily was still so self-conscious about her scars that she hated to let anyone see her, so she locked herself in her room and didn't take care of anything around the house anymore. James' reply to that was to say that the scars wouldn't be so bad if she wouldn't have fought back._

_"She said she doesn't remember much after that because he had caught her, ripped the phone from her hand and beat her with it before she could finish dialing 911 to tell them what he did."_

My empty hand flew to my mouth to cover my gasp. He must not have heard me because he kept talking.

_"Bella thinks, because he was angry, he slipped when he talked about what he did to Emily, but if you ask me, he did it on purpose. He wanted her to know that he could get to her friends any time he wanted."_

"I'll bet you're right," I agreed with him. It sounded like something James would do.

"_He threatened all of their lives if she ever told anyone," he continued. "And true to form, Bella kept her mouth shut. Only now she had a real reason to hate him and when he started beating on her again, she would fight back, making things so much worse for herself."_

"At least she stood up for herself finally," I said with as much sympathy as I could. "That has to be good for something. At least it proves that she tried to defend herself against him for years before that night. It lays the groundwork for…"

"_I don't care about the groundwork anymore, Alice." _His voice cracked. _"I know I started this but I don't think I can listen to her tell me again how he beat her unconscious or choked her until she blacked out."_

I knew this was really getting to him and I wasn't there for him to talk to at night. I felt so sorry for him. No one should have to listen to the person they love most in the world describe how they were brutally beaten with no way out. I couldn't imagine what I would do if I was in his shoes.

"_And I swear to you, Alice, if I have to hear her tell me again how the police did nothing to help her, this is going to be my last case. I'm done with all of it."_

"You can't say that."

"_I've lived my life putting my faith in the justice system and to hear how it failed her time and time again makes me wonder why I bother. Just because someone has the money to buy his way out of trouble doesn't mean they all have to look the other way."_

He was yelling and I knew what I had to say wasn't going to make things any better.

"No one likes it but, unfortunately, that's what happens. As long as there are people out there to take the money, the rich are going to be buying their way out of trouble." I blew out a deep breath. "Besides, when this case is over and she gets out, do you really think she'll allow you to quit doing something you love so much simply because of what happened to her?" I laughed. "I haven't even met her yet and even I know her better than that."

"_You're probably right," _he only partially agreed with me.

"I know I'm right, so don't argue with me," I told him.

My attempt to lighten the mood a little must have worked because I heard a stifled laugh come through the phone.

"Now what else did you talk about?" I asked, reluctantly bringing the conversation back to their meetings.

"_She's told me about most of her trips to the hospital," _he grumbled.

"Most?" I interrupted him.

"_Christmas '06. She's still won't talk about that one. I know she's told Paul about it but she still won't tell me. Why can't she trust me enough to…?"_

"I know she trusts you, Carlisle," I said, cutting him off. "She wouldn't have told you this much if she didn't."

"_Not like she trusts him though." _He sounded angry.

"Of course not. She has a completely different relationship with him than she does with you."

"_Well that's obvious." _Yes, Bella's friendship with Paul was definitely making him angry.

"Stop it, Carlisle," I said harshly. "Paul's just a friend, a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to and sort out her feelings with."

"_She could do that with me."_

"No, Carlisle, she can't, because you're the one they talk about. She cares about you…a lot from what I hear." I heard him try to jump in but I kept going. "Have you ever stopped to put yourself in her shoes? Have you ever once thought about what it must be like for her to talk about the worst time in her life with the one person who could possibly be part of her future? She is laying herself bare in front of you, opening herself up and showing you every painful detail that she's fought to hide for years. That's trust, Carlisle. Never mistake it for anything else."

"_Again, Alice, you're right. I'm sorry."_

"You don't have to apologize. I know how hard this must be for you. You love her and you want to be the only one she needs, the only one she turns to."

"_Is that so wrong to ask for?"_

The emotion in his voice was about to make me cry. I didn't know how he'd held this in for so long. But I couldn't let him wallow in this. He needed to be the strong one here.

"Frankly…yes. Because she can't give you that, not right now. She needs Paul and she needs Jasper to help her sort through her thoughts and her feelings before she comes to you. It's not because she trusts either one of them more than you. I think it's because she doesn't want to hurt you.

"I want you to remember that when you think she's keeping something from you, maybe she's just trying to figure out the best way to tell you. Or maybe she's holding something back because it's still too hard for her to talk about."

Remembering the pictures of her from that Christmas caused me to pause. The bruises on her body were more black than purple. Her face was so swollen she was unrecognizable. If they didn't have fingerprints to work from, you'd have never known it was her. Carlisle's words shattered the image in my mind, bringing me back to the conversation.

"_I know that. I just wish she would confide in me."_

I smiled. It was too cute to hear him so in love.

"Well, look at it this way, Bella may share some things with Paul that she's kept from you, but you're the one that gets to hold her when she needs someone close. You're the one who gets to kiss her when that tough girl exterior breaks down for a while. And if Jasper and Paul are right, you're the one she's considered giving her heart to when she's finally able to give it. She's been withdrawn for so long, Carlisle. Give her time and you just might get the future with her that you hope for."

He took a deep breath and let it go. _"Thanks, Alice. It's always so much easier talking to you."_ He chuckled. _"When are you coming home anyway?"_

"Miss me already, Boss?" I teased.

"_Not at all. I just want to know when I'm going to get those notes you're holding on to."_

"Uh huh. I'm sure that's the reason." I laughed, rolling my eyes. "Anyway, according to Bella's timeline, I've got seven more cities to hit before I make it back to California. I'm still doing a bit of digging, though, because there's a big chunk of time that isn't accounted for in her notes from the time she left Modesto to the day she showed up in that house in Palos Verdes."

"_Maybe she didn't finish before you left? Would you like me to ask her about it?" _he asked.

"No, don't. She told Paul that this was all there was." I reread the paper that held the last of her notes. "This was left off intentionally. I still think there's something she doesn't want us to find."

I put the paper back in my file and cleared off the bed. I was done working for the night.

"Don't worry though. Whatever it is, I'll find it," I assured him.

"_I have no doubt."_ He laughed. _"So, what time is your meeting tomorrow?"_

"Not until mid-afternoon," I told him. "I'll finish up with that, catch some sleep and then head out the next morning."

"_Okay. Drive safe, be careful and call me if you need anything."_

"Don't worry about me, Boss. I'll be just fine."

We said our goodbyes and I put the phone back on the table. With everything cleaned up, I climbed under the covers and thought about what Ben Cheney would have to tell me tomorrow.

* * *

**Carmen really was a great friend to Bella. I, for one, am glad she's going to step up and testify in court. She's seen and heard enough to help. Speaking of helping, I'm pretty curious to hear what Ben has to say too.**

**Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	22. The Truth About Ben

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.**

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH for all of your awesome work. I love you two so very much.**

**A/N: Sorry to keep you all waiting so long for this chapter. Between the writer's block and my seriously crazy hectic schedule at work for the past month, I haven't been able to write much. I am already working on the next chapter, so hopefully I can get it done quickly for you. Thanks for sticking with me. It really means a lot.**

* * *

**Chapter 22 – The Truth About Ben**

**Alice**

**February 11, 2010**

I hadn't gotten as much work done last night as I'd hoped. Carlisle's call interrupted before I could finish. Luckily, I still had four hours before I was scheduled to meet with Ben Cheney. So I pulled out my laptop, my voice recorder and got to work transcribing the meeting notes from yesterday.

By eleven-thirty, my stomach was growling and I really didn't want to go out in the cold until I absolutely had to, so I tore open a bag of Doritos and got back to work. My fingers flew over the keys as I typed, just a second or two behind Carmen's words.

After I finished typing up the information about Ben and Bella's date, a couple of questions came to my mind. I paused the recorder for a few minutes so I could type my comments in the margins for Carlisle to see later. Two words into my next sentence and a knock on the door stopped me.

Confused, I eased off the bed and tiptoed to the edge of the curtain. My quick peek didn't help. All I saw was a man with short dark hair in a full-length black coat standing with his back to me. I knew it was silly but I pulled on my own coat just to answer the door.

"Can I help you?" I asked through a crack in the door.

He turned toward me, removed his sunglasses and smiled.

"I come bearing gifts," he replied, extending a hand that held coffee and a small paper bag.

My eyebrow shot up in question. "And you are?"

"Oh I'm sorry." He lost the smile and lowered his hand. "I'm Ben. Ben Cheney."

"Hold on," I said, closing the door to remove the security chain.

Before I opened it again, I checked my watch. I still had a little more than two hours before I was scheduled to meet him. I wondered what he was doing here. Or maybe the better question – how did he know where 'here' was? I certainly never told him where I was staying, let alone told him what my room number was.

A little cautious, I opened the door slowly. "I'm sorry Mr. Cheney but…"

"Call me Ben," he interrupted.

"Okay…Ben, I was supposed to meet you in your office at three o'clock."

"I'm sorry, Ms. Brandon." He looked to his right, then his left before focusing back on me. "I would prefer to keep this conversation as private as possible."

I understood that. He could stand to lose a lot, depending on how deep his involvement with Bella went. I stepped aside and asked him to come in.

"Now, Forks may be a small town, but the gods took pity on us and brought us a Starbucks." He smiled. "I believe a cinnamon latte with a double shot of espresso and a turkey and swiss on wheat bread _with_ green peppers and extra mustard is exactly what you need right now," he said with a wink.

"You…" I shook my head, speechless. "How…?"

I couldn't form a single sentence as he placed my favorite flavor of coffee and a sandwich made just the way I like it in my hands.

With a chuckle, he removed his coat and gloves, placing them neatly over the back of a chair.

"I have my ways." He motioned to the chair. "May I?"

Still stunned, I nodded and slowly walked to the edge of the bed to sit down.

"So Ms. Brandon, I've been told you're here to help," he stated, getting right to the point. "What would you like to know about me and Bella?"

His words snapped me out of my daze. There was no wavering in his voice when he said her name as there was with Carmen. She had continually slipped and called Bella by the wrong name – they only name she'd known. Ben, on the other hand, didn't seem to have that problem. To him, she wasn't Celina…she was Bella.

"Wait a minute," I said, setting the coffee and sandwich on the bedside table.

As important as it was to know how he knew Bella, I needed other answers first.

"First, how did you know where to find me?" The smile returned to his face. "And how could you possibly know about this?" I waved my hand to the food.

There were two people that could have told him about the coffee, but only one person on this earth that could have possibly told him about the sandwich. I'd known Jasper for a long time and never once did he mention knowing anyone by the name of Cheney. If he ever…

Another chuckle broke into my thoughts. "Ms. Brandon, Forks is a very small town. I could have asked anyone on the street and they could have told me where to find you."

That, of course, made sense. "True, but what about…"

"The food?" He finished my sentence and then answered, "It wasn't hard at all, actually. The instant we ended our conversation yesterday I looked online and found where you worked. With that information, I made a call to someone I know who's close to the area and asked them to ask around.

"You might be surprised to know how well known you are, Ms. Brandon. You'd be even more surprised to find out how many people have absolutely no problem sharing what they know about you."

His eyes hardened ever so slightly as he stared at me. Holding up a finger, he continued.

"For instance, I know, almost down to the minute, what time you pick up your coffee. I know yours and Mr. Cullen's favorites, but I also know that two days a week you order a simple black coffee for him."

Speechless again, my eyes widened in shock.

"And that's just your morning routine," he added. "I know how late you work at night. I know that Mr. Whitlock picks up dinner for the three of you two nights a week and I know that you and Mr. Cullen usually order in from three different restaurants the rest of the week."

A sudden anger filled me and I found my voice. "Why? Why are you investigating us? What right do you have to even delve into our private lives? Who do you think…?"

"I apologize for invading your privacy that way, but one of your questions to Carmen yesterday was how James found Bella while she lived here. I just showed you how easy it is to find someone when you're really looking." Ben leaned forward in his chair and clasped his hands. "Now, I did that in a matter of hours after making a single phone call. What do you think he could have accomplished with nothing but time on his hands and a bottomless pocketbook to make people talk?"

"You couldn't have just explained that to me? Did you have to look into my background like that?" I asked, still upset that he would do such a thing.

"Well, let me ask you a question." He paused. I waited. "What was honestly going through your head when I handed you the food?"

"I didn't know what to think," I answered.

He raised an eyebrow as if to question me.

"I thought that maybe…"

My sentence trailed off as I suddenly felt guilty for ever thinking Carlisle or Jasper would give out even the smallest amount of information about me without telling me.

"You thought Mr. Cullen or Mr. Whitlock told me." I nodded. "You were caught off guard and upset, right? Questioning those who know you best? Wondering who could have betrayed your confidence?"

"Yes." That one word answered all his questions.

"From everything I've learned about you in the past twelve hours, you're a very friendly, open and honest person, Ms. Brandon. You've never had a reason to hide the movements you make. Frankly, it's not something you've ever had to think about, I'm sure."

He leaned back in his chair again.

"I really do apologize for upsetting you, but what I did today was nothing. It was information anyone could find if they asked for it. Now, I want you to put yourself in Bella's shoes." He paused for a minute. "How unsettling would it be if you'd done everything you could to hide, you'd gone to great lengths to cover your tracks, hoping no one could find you, only to realize that every effort you had ever made meant nothing in the end."

"I never really thought about it like that before," I said mostly to myself.

"Ms. Brandon, with all due respect, you were exposed to this feeling for five minutes. Can you imagine how Bella felt after dealing with this for eighteen months?"

Ben Cheney had been in my room for less than thirty minutes and he'd given me a whole new perspective on Bella's life, one I'd never considered before.

"I've followed the steps that brought Bella here," I began. "I have this picture in my head of her being scared, maybe a little paranoid but I always believed it was because she knew she had to stay hidden, hoping with everything she had in her that she'd finally gotten away. That had to be hard enough to live through."

I rubbed my temples, trying to get rid of the headache I could feel coming.

"I never thought about how unnerving it would be to know that no matter how hard she tried, nothing was ever going to work. That it was never a question of if he would find her but when. I can only imagine how hard it was for her to keep running after she realized it was useless."

"Bella was already at that point when we met. She told me once that if she ran, he would find her and if she stayed, he would kill her. She was desperate, but running was all she knew." Ben took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a brief second before adding, "I offered to change that."

"So Carmen was right about you and Bella?" I blurted out.

His laugh echoed off the walls. Realizing quickly what his laugh meant, I blushed and took a drink of my coffee just to have something to hide behind.

"You really shouldn't be listening to rumors, Ms. Brandon," he said as he gained some control.

I apologized. "It's just that you know more about her than anyone I've met so far…even Carmen. She was her friend, but it's obvious Bella didn't let her into her life as much as she did with you." I stared at him intently. "Can you really fault me for thinking that you and Bella were closer than friends?"

"I suppose not." Ben smiled but it looked a little forced. "It wasn't for lack of trying, though."

"You really did care about her?"

He sighed and his eyes lost a little of the happiness they'd held when he first sat down.

"I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't, Ms. Brandon."

"Please, call me Alice," I said. "Would you like some water while we talk?"

"Yes, please."

I walked across the room and pulled a bottle out of the small refrigerator before returning to the bed. He thanked me, took a small drink and was just about to speak again when I remembered the recorder. I spoke before he had a chance.

"I'm sorry, Ben. I understand your reasoning for coming here instead of meeting in your office and I respect your need for privacy, but would you object to me recording our conversation?"

Just like Carmen, he shifted uncomfortably in his chair. I jumped in before he could tell me no.

"I give you my word, no one will hear this but me."

He raised an eyebrow. "Now you know you can't guarantee something like that. You know, as well as I do, that anything you write _or record_ will need to be turned over to the prosecution."

He'd already stunned me with the fact that he could investigate me so easily and now he'd done it again with his knowledge of what I could and couldn't do in the eyes of the law.

"You know, Ben," I eyed him suspiciously, "you don't really sound like scientist."

"I don't?" He pretended to be shocked.

"Not at all."

"Please, enlighten me, Alice." He waved a hand at me. "Who do you think I really am?"

Still keeping a close eye on him, I took a minute to process everything he'd said and done since walking through my door.

"Why not go with the obvious. You sound more like a PI or a law student maybe, since I know you're not a lawyer."

Ben laughed again.

"I'm glad you find me so entertaining," I teased, pretending to be upset.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I don't mean to offend you in any way." He cleared his throat, attempting to control his laughter. "You of all people should know not everything is black and white."

"Well then, I think it's time _you_ enlighten _me_, Mr. Cheney."

I waved the recorder in front of him and he smiled, nodding his permission to turn it on. I pressed record and set the machine on the table.

"Please, tell me how the small town biologist, with his vast knowledge of investigative techniques and the rules of law, managed to get a girl who wants nothing to do with men, to not only trust him, but fall for him."

"There you go with those assumptions again. You know," he winked at me, "perpetuating rumors is completely beneath you."

With a smile and another drink of my coffee, I challenged him. "Why don't you give me the truth then? Tell me how you and Bella met."

His smile faded and he took a couple of deep breaths before he spoke.

"Within a week of her pulling into town, 'the pretty new teacher' was all anyone could talk about. She was mysterious and that had the rumor mill working overtime, everyone wondering who she was and what she was doing here." He grinned. "I'd been stuck in the lab working on a project and had yet to see the woman who had caught everyone's eye.

"One night, about two and a half weeks after she showed up, I was in the lab, completely frustrated with some unexpected test results. Rather than run my test again for the fifth time that week, I'd decided to take the rest of the night off and get some real sleep." He laughed. "The plan was to hit the diner for a quick bite to eat and then go straight home. But when I got there, fate obviously had other plans."

"Fate?" I asked, skeptically. "I thought scientists didn't believe in crazy things like fate."

"Normally, I would be the first to say there's no such thing as fate but, honestly, it's the only way I can explain it." He shrugged. "It's never happened before or since."

"What happened?" He had me curious.

"I felt fine when I walked into the diner and took my usual seat at the counter. Mrs. Cope tapped the counter in front of me, asking if I wanted my usual. When I nodded, she hurried to put the order in." His eyes fixed on the floor. "Ten minutes was all it ever took to get my food and, as I did every time I ate there, I pulled out my notebook so I could double check some the formulas I was using earlier in the day. I didn't even make it through the first calculation before my eyes closed.

"The next thing I knew, I was staring into the eyes of the prettiest girl I'd ever seen. She had an arm around my shoulders, asking if I was okay." His brow furrowed. "I asked what happened and she told me that I started falling backwards just as she was walking by. She said she had to catch me before I fell to the floor and she had to give a couple light taps to my cheek to rouse me."

"You fell asleep sitting at the counter?"

"That's what they tell me."

"You must have been more tired than you thought," I commented.

"I don't think I was." My eyes narrowed in curiosity. "In fact, I didn't sleep at all that night."

"Thinking about Bella?" I guessed.

He grinned again, a tiny laugh escaping. "As pretty as she was, you would think so but, sadly, no. She wasn't what kept me up that night.

"When she finally believed I was really okay, Mrs. Cope packed up my dinner and sent me straight home. Well," he hesitated, "she told me to go home, but I took the food, headed back to my lab and lost myself in my work for another couple of days.

"On the third night I had finally made some headway in my research and my results were finally reflecting what I believed they should. It had been a long three days, so I decided to leave the analysis for the next day. I took off early again and stopped in at the diner for dinner."

"Do you eat there a lot?" I asked as I took a bite of my sandwich.

It didn't matter if he did, but he seemed to spend a lot of time there. I wondered if their food was really that good or if a certain pretty brunette was the lure he needed to go there twice in one week.

"More than I should." He chuckled. "But I _am_ a bachelor and it's as close to home cooking as I can get."

I was about to ask a question when he spoke again.

"Of course, the hope of seeing the pretty teacher again may have influenced my decision a bit."

"Uh huh. I'm sure she did."

"Well, you know…I had to thank her for helping me." He smirked.

"Sure…right. I totally believe you." I couldn't help teasing him.

Ben rolled his eyes, ignoring my comment. "When I got there, I couldn't help but smile because there she was, sitting in _my_ usual seat."

As he began talking about Bella, the smile that formed changed his whole face. I could see what Carmen was talking about. Even after all this time, it was obvious how much he still cared about Bella.

"I walked up to her and tried to ask if the seat next to her was taken, but the second I cleared my throat to speak, she jumped. I never meant to scare her, so I apologized. She accepted and turned her back on me, as if she was hiding." His forehead creased. "I tapped her on the shoulder because I really did want to thank her for helping me before, but she barely glanced over her shoulder and mumbled her response. I must say I was hurt by her obvious rejection.

"Now, I've never been the type to score big with the ladies. Scientists aren't usually the ones getting all the action," he confessed with a small laugh.

Looking at him, I really couldn't understand what he was talking about. Ben was a handsome man and, scientist or not, I would have never expected him to have any trouble finding a girl.

"I'm usually seen as the best friend type, you know, and it only takes a few minutes for someone to warm up to me. But with her, I felt like I wasn't even good enough to talk to."

"That's so sad." The words slipped before I had a chance to think.

"It was nothing, really. I stopped letting things like that bother me a long time ago. I think it just hurt a bit because it was her."

"I can understand that. You already liked her, didn't you?" I guessed.

"I'm that obvious, huh?" He laughed. I nodded. "Like I said…prettiest girl I'd ever seen."

I smiled at his conviction. It made his feelings for her even more apparent.

"So, how do you go from Bella not giving you the time of day to being in a relationship?"

He huffed. "Rumors, Ms. Brandon."

"I'm sorry. It's just so easy to see how you feel about her, even now after all this time." He cast his eyes away, a little embarrassed. "And, knowing how Bella is, I'm going to say she cared a lot about you, too."

His eyes cut back to mine. "You couldn't be more wrong, Alice," Ben argued, shaking his head. "Bella didn't care about me that way."

I held up a hand to stop him. "I think you might be wrong about that. Let me explain."

When he waved a hand for me to continue, I turned and picked up Bella's notes that were sitting on the bed behind me.

"As I'm sure you know, Bella has this incessant need to protect the people that mean the most to her. She did it with her friends back home, going as far as changing their identities to hide them from James. It took _a lot_ of digging, but I finally found them. She was so upset about it that she gave my boss a mild concussion the day she found out he had spoken to them." I handed him the papers in my hand. "Which actually makes these make more sense to me now."

I had always wondered what motivated Bella to write out such a detailed account of her time on the run for me. She had told Jasper that it was to help me with my research because I was continually hitting a wall trying to trace her whereabouts during those missing three years.

It didn't make sense why she wouldn't just tell Carlisle and give him the information he needed. It wasn't until I'd met with Carmen that I realized she did it to keep Ben hidden from us as well. It made even more sense as to why she was so angry when I left to follow her tracks.

She knew I would find him.

"What is this?" he asked as he scanned the papers.

"I believe that was Bella's way of protecting you," I answered.

Ben looked up at me, confusion written all over his face.

"Bella knew I was trying to put together the missing pieces of her life after she went on the run," I explained. "I was stuck and frustrated as every lead I had went cold. At night, Jasper would be on the receiving end of my ranting and without thinking about it, he mentioned my frustrations to Bella one day as they were talking about me.

"He had already told me she'd asked about me and when he told me what they talked about, it didn't seem to matter at the time. She'd never been very forthcoming with information so I would have never guessed in a million years that she would just offer up details like this.

"She told him the first place she ran to and the name she used while she was there. Then she told him that she would write down all the information she could so I wouldn't have to work so hard. So I could be home with Jasper more often."

He chuckled. "She must really like you because I don't see her offering up that kind of information so easily."

"Would you believe me if I told you that I've never met Bella before?"

He raised an eyebrow. "You're kidding me, right?"

"Nope." I shook my head. "The most she knows of me is what she's heard from Jasper. I don't even think Carlisle talks to her about me."

"Then why would she do this?" he asked, absently as he read through the final page.

"Because of you," I replied and his head snapped up. "Ben, she may not have said it, but I know you meant a lot to Bella. Probably more than you know."

"I really did think she hated me for a while," he said with a smirk.

"Why?"

"As I'd said before, she was a mystery to everyone in town. You know by now how much I detest rumors, but they seemed to be the only way to get information about her. It wasn't good enough for me. I wanted to get to know her. And I tried.

"For the next few months, when I wasn't stuck in the lab, I was actively trying to talk to her. Never in my life had I pursued a woman the way I did Bella. I didn't see her often around town, but the times I was lucky enough to run into her, she would see me and do her best to make a quick escape. It was a little disheartening."

I felt awful for everything he'd gone through, but I understood how his behavior would have looked to Bella. She didn't trust anyone and to have someone going out of his way to find her must have seriously scared her.

"I finally decided it was time to give up." He sighed. "I told myself that I should have known a girl like her would never want anything to do with someone like me."

"Why would you ever say something like that?" I interrupted. "You've only been here for an hour and I can already tell what a great guy you are."

He rolled his eyes. "Alice, please, there's no need to defend me. I am an amazingly self-assured man, but that's only because I have no delusions about myself. I know exactly who and what I am.

"I knew what Bella saw when she looked at me, if she ever really looked. It wasn't until I started to get to know her that I realized she never did. All she saw was a man who had the potential to hurt her. We just had to get past that initial fear before she would ever begin to get to know me."

"You make it sound so simple," I told him. "I can't imagine how it could have been."

"It wasn't. I think she felt sorry for me."

"Why would she?" I asked.

"After I'd made the decision to give up, I had done my best to avoid her. I'd thrown myself into my work, spending countless hours in the lab. When I went out, I'd made sure to scan the parking lots everywhere I went, and if I saw her car, I would either wait until she left or I would just go back later to conduct my business. There was one day, however, when I wasn't so careful."

He took one final drink of his water and threw the empty bottle in the trash. Relaxing into the chair, the fingertips on his right hand started drumming a rhythm into the table. He took a deep breath and the left corner of his lips curled up a little as he began to speak.

"I'd had a long night in the lab that had turned into a long day, with only another failed experiment to show for it." His smile grew as a small sound of amusement forced its way out. "Looking back now, I would have to say the day mirrored the first day Bella and I met. The only difference this time was the rain.

"After I'd cleaned up my lab and prepared everything for the morning, I'd left and went straight to the diner. At first glance, I didn't notice her car so I pulled in and parked at the end of the lot. After a quick search of my car, I'd realized that I didn't have my umbrella with me. So I hitched up the collar on my overcoat, ducked my head and made my way quickly to the entrance.

"Our hands landed on the door handle at the same time. I apologized, not seeing who it was at first, but when I heard her quietly tell me it was okay, I froze. I didn't want to make her more uncomfortable than I'd already had in the past several months, so I'd apologized again, bid her a good night and started back toward my car.

"I hadn't taken three steps before she called after me, telling me I didn't have to go. I'd debated for about half a second before realizing I would never get another chance like that again. So I turned and laid it all on the line."

Ben sat forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped in front of him.

"I knew what I had to say would sound like I was, but I had to start by telling her I wasn't crazy and I was sorry for practically stalking her the way I did. I told her I thought she was beautiful and I really wanted to get to know her."

"Let me guess, you scared the poor girl, didn't you," I commented while trying to hide the amusement in my voice.

He sat back with a laugh. "She was downright terrified."

"A deer in headlights," I added jokingly.

"Yeah that's about right," he agreed. "I stuttered like a fool trying to explain myself, telling her I didn't mean anything by it and I would love to just be friends. She looked wary for a moment before…"

He trailed off, took another deep breath and let it go with the biggest grin on his face. I loved seeing the effect even a simple memory had on him and I was suddenly glad Bella had someone like Ben in her life.

"She gave me the most beautiful smile and asked if I would like to sit with her while we waited for our food. Then she laughed and asked if I would like to get out of the rain." He rolled his eyes. "Honestly, from the first word she spoke, I'd completely forgotten it was raining. I know it may sound ridiculous considering the amount of rain pouring over me, but I was so captivated by her that nothing around me mattered.

"We made our way inside, sat at the counter, me in my usual seat, of course, and placed our orders. After Mrs. Cope walked away, Bella and I talked…well I did most of the talking. She answered a question here and there but she spent most of the time asking questions about me. And they weren't the easy yes and no or one-word answer kinds of questions. She asked things that would keep me talking.

"We sat there for half an hour before Bella realized we hadn't gotten our food yet. Mrs. Cope was obviously trying to play matchmaker that day." He smirked.

"That must have been the day Carmen told me about," I said more to myself than to him.

"What day?" he asked.

"She told me she saw you and Bella at the diner together," I told him. "At the time, she knew about Bella's past, so it shocked her to see her with you."

"If I would have known that, I would've had a few questions for my friend Carmen," he said bitterly.

"What do you mean?"

"Bella and I were having a good conversation but out of nowhere, her behavior just…changed." My eyes narrowed. "She was suddenly fidgety and seemed nervous to be there with me. That was when she asked Mrs. Cope about her food."

"What happened?" I asked.

"I was so happy to finally be talking to her and getting to know her a little and I didn't want it to end. Again, I decided to just go for it and ask her if I could see her again." He inhaled deeply and let the air out slowly before continuing. "I told her that I didn't want to seem forward but I would've loved it if she'd have dinner with me, that was, of course, if she didn't have someone waiting for her back home. I didn't want to have to fight off a boyfriend."

"Oh, tell me you didn't." I felt my stomach drop. I knew what the mention of home and James would do to her.

"It's not like I knew," he said defensively. "If I had, things would have been very different."

"So, what happened next?"

Ben rubbed his forehead in frustration. "Her whole body stiffened, her eyes went wide and she began looking around like she was looking for someone before her eyes settled on the empty counter in front of us. The second she realized our food hadn't come, she quickly turned to Mrs. Cope and told her to forget her order. She said a quick goodbye to me and darted out the door.

"It took me a minute to process her quick departure before I ran after her. She was walking fast but paused when I called her name. I'd asked if I had done something wrong. She told me no right before telling me she couldn't see me again. Then she turned and rushed to her car.

"I wanted to say something…anything to make her stop but she just apologized and said that she'd made a mistake. That she should have known better and shouldn't have gotten me involved. I was more than a little stunned by how much her words hurt me, but before I could say anything else, she was gone." His voice caught on the last word.

His mouth opened to say something else but closed again quickly. His eyes closed and he swallowed hard. His pain was visible and when he opened his eyes again, I nearly lost it myself when I saw the tears he was fighting hard to hold back.

"I'm sorry. Do you mind if I use your restroom?" he choked out.

I waved a hand. "Feel free."

He nearly jumped out of the chair, closing the door behind him faster than I could blink.

I took a few deep breaths myself. It shocked me how much seeing him break down affected me. I'd seen it so often with Carlisle since he'd taken Bella's case, but never did I feel like my heart was breaking right along with his the way it did with Ben.

Maybe it was because I knew Bella couldn't run anywhere. Maybe it was because I knew that she had feelings for Carlisle. She may not love him the way he loved her but, as inappropriate as it was, he had the advantage of spending every day with her, developing some sort of relationship with her while she worked through the toughest parts of her life. And, with James dead, there was no need for her to run anymore. Once the trial was over, they would both be free to have a life together.

Ben didn't have that luxury. He fell for her… hard. He loved her and it was obvious that he still loved her even now, more than two years after she ran off and left him. He was forced to accept it and move on, but here I was bringing it all back to life again. Hurting him all over again.

Why did I have to come here? Why couldn't I just let Bella's notes be good enough? Why did I have to dig up ghosts from the past and hurt such a good man? It was no wonder Bella wanted to keep him a secret…to protect him. She must have known what her leaving had done to him and she wanted to spare him from any more pain, but I couldn't leave well enough alone.

That was me, though. I had to have answers. I had to know the whole story. It was what made me so good at my job and such a valuable part of Carlisle's team. If I didn't do my job, he couldn't help anyone. But it wasn't until now that I thought of the price it might cost someone else as I pursued answers.

What if there were others just like Ben that I had hurt along the way? Were they able to return to their lives like nothing had happened? Or would they be left to suffer as more of their heart was torn away by old wounds I had opened?

I was beginning to think Jasper gave me too much credit when he said that what I did helped people. Maybe, in the pursuit of helping one, I'd hurt so many others.

I felt my temples start to throb again. It was too much to think about and I knew I wasn't going to get any answers to my questions. I had to shut myself off to all of that worry and doubt because I had a job to do. As much as I hated myself for hurting Ben, I was doing it to save Bella's life. She deserved a life and that had to be my focus.

Needing to get a handle on my growing headache, I crossed the small room to grab the aspirin bottle out of my purse. I shook a couple into my hand and grabbed two bottles of water from the refrigerator. Ben opened the door to the bathroom just as I popped the pills into my mouth and I swallowed a quick drink to wash them down.

I turned to him. "Water?" I offered, not wanting to dwell on the reason for his escape.

"Thank you." He grabbed the bottle, taking a quick drink. "Listen, I'm sorry for that. It's still a little hard…"

"Don't." I cut him off. "You don't have to apologize. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you."

"Yes, but this isn't about me. If it helps Bella, I'll relive it a million times over because she's worth it," he said reverently. He took another drink and reclaimed his chair. "Now, where were we?"

Walking back to the bed, I picked up the recorder I'd paused when he needed his break but before I turned it on, I asked if he was really okay to continue. He assured me he was so I turned the recorder back on.

"Okay, before our break you told me that Bella left you standing in front of the diner. What did you do then?"

"I made things worse," he huffed.

"You what?" I asked, not expecting his answer.

"You mean you haven't heard this story yet?" His tone was sarcastic. "The whole town was talking about it."

I put two and two together quickly. "The money," I said plainly.

He gave me a pointed look that told me I was right.

"Contrary to popular opinion, I didn't go in and throw money at Mrs. Cope."

He sounded angry and suddenly it hit me why he would hate rumors so much. He had grown up in this small town where rumors were so commonplace. He'd heard them all his life, possibly even found himself perpetuating a few. But this time was different, because the rumors hurt Bella.

"When I went back into the diner, Mrs. Cope had both mine and Bella's food boxed up. She must have believed I could get her to go back inside." He took another drink. "She'd asked if everything was okay and I honestly couldn't answer because I had no idea what would have caused her to run off like that. I felt responsible so I apologized and paid for Bella's food so Mrs. Cope wouldn't lose any money.

"Opening my wallet, I realized I didn't have enough small bills to pay for both meals. So I gave her the hundred dollar bill I'd been holding onto, which I was going to use to buy an extra piece of lab equipment. She tried to give me my change but I told her to keep it to pay for the next few meals Bella ordered as an apology to her for whatever I had said to make her run away."

My stomach dropped as I remembered what Carmen shared with me. Ben obviously had no idea that his beloved Mrs. Cope was the one who'd exaggerated the truth when it came to the money.

"I know that look, Alice," he said, completely misreading the reason for my shock, "and I know I handled the entire situation wrong. I should've known better, but I don't have all the experience in the world when it comes to women. Bella sparked something in me that I'd never felt before and I honestly didn't know how to handle it. But damn it," he slammed the bottle on the table, "I just tried to do something nice, an offering that might mean something to her and some nosy son of a bitch had to make up a story that almost sent Bella over the edge."

I wanted to tell him what I knew – or what I'd been told – but he was so tense already and there was no way I would shatter his image of Mrs. Cope. With him being this upset about it, telling him would cause more trouble than he needed to deal with.

I rushed to change the subject. "Carmen told me she talked to you before you asked Bella on your date. What did she say to you?"

"Carmen burst into my lab one night, telling me I needed to stay away from her." He shrugged. "I had already thought Bella was beautiful and, after talking to her in the diner, I really liked her. I didn't want to let go without ever having a chance with her, so I told Carmen no. She told me I had no idea the kind of life Bella lived before she came here and she just couldn't handle dealing with men. I didn't want to give in and we argued for a while."

Ben paused for a minute, thinking over his next words.

"Call it frustration but I think she slipped when she said something about 'Cel's boyfriend finding her' because as soon as the words were out there, she tried to backtrack quickly. That's when I started putting things together.

"Needing time to think, I told Carmen what she wanted to hear, saying I would stay away and give Bella her space. Before she left, she thanked me, telling me it was the best thing for everyone involved. I just didn't agree."

"And it took you three days to figure it out?" I asked.

"No."

His laugh made me feel a little better considering how tense he'd been not even ten minutes before.

"Honestly, it only took me about fifteen minutes to put all the pieces together and less than an hour to figure out how I could help her. But it took me a couple of days to gather the nerve to actually go to her with it.

"I was terrified she would reject me before I ever had the chance to talk to her. I knew if I had tried to talk to her at the diner or anywhere else around town she would run the other way. I couldn't go to her apartment. That would have scared her more than anything. I had one option left."

"The day care." I gave the answer before he could.

He nodded.

"I left my lab early that day, picked up some flowers and went home to change. I wanted to look nice but not like I was trying too hard." He chuckled. "I swear I felt a girl getting ready for a big date or something. I had clothes everywhere, trying to decide what looked best. I think I spent more time in front of the mirror that day than I ever had in my whole life."

"Wait, wait, wait..." I held a hand up to stop him and giggled. "Sorry but I have to get that visual."

"Very cute, Ms. Brandon."

His eyes narrowed but the grin gave him away. He wanted to laugh.

"I decided on pair of black jeans, a plain white t-shirt and a black suit jacket. I figured it was the perfect mix, not too casual but not dressed up enough to make her too nervous. When I was sure I looked good enough, I grabbed the flowers and drove to the school."

He had a huge grin on his face as he relayed the memory of that day to me. It was sweet and I almost found myself wishing things could have worked out for them.

Almost.

"I was nervous and it took me fifteen or twenty minutes to get the courage to get out of the car. But I finally did it and walked inside to talk to her.

"I froze when I saw her sitting with the kids, helping them put some puzzles together, and I started rethinking my plan. Before I could run back out the door, she looked up and saw me standing there.

"She looked panicked and I almost backed out again but I knew I could help her. If she just gave me the chance, she'd never have to be afraid again."

He caught me by surprise. "What does that mean?"

"I'm not ashamed to say I begged her to speak with me," he continued, ignoring my question. "I knew it was a long shot, but it was all I could think of to do. Carmen was shooting death glares at me the entire time but, the second Bella agreed, I didn't care. She asked if we could use the office and I'm sure Carmen only agreed because Bella was the one to ask.

"When we were finally alone, she put the length of the room between us. I didn't blame her, but I can't say that it didn't hurt a little."

His face dropped a little as he said that and I could see how much even that small rejection bothered him.

"I apologized to her for showing up the way I did and, in the quietest whisper, she said it was okay. I apologized again for acting like a crazy stalker and assured her that she had no reason be afraid of me." He grinned. "She actually laughed when I told her that. Then she pointed at the flowers I'd completely forgotten about and asked if they were for her.

"Without thinking, I took a couple of quick steps toward her, holding out the flowers. When she flinched back, I realized my mistake and apologized again." He blew out a breath. "I'm not very good at small talk so I jumped right in with both feet.

"I told her not to freak out and asked her to listen to everything I had to say before she said anything. When she didn't answer, I started talking.

"I told her that I knew she was running from someone. She, of course, freaked out and tried to lie but I told her I knew the truth. After a little convincing, she gave up her fight and sunk to the floor, hugging her knees to her chest.

"It killed me to see her like that – so defeated – and I couldn't have stopped myself from going to her if I wanted to. I had to comfort her, or try to. Sitting in front of her, I touched her arm just to get her attention and when her eyes met mine, I told her I wanted to help her.

"Her eyes had no life left in them when she said, 'no one could help her.' I told her she could trust me and I would make sure no one could ever hurt her again."

"You didn't know what that man was like, Ben. How were you able to offer her something like that?" I asked.

"She asked almost the same question and I understood her fears. But I refused to allow her to live in fear of that man forever. I wanted to protect her, but more than that…I wanted her to be able to protect herself. I told her, if she could trust me, I could teach her how to defend herself against him."

"_You're_ the one who taught her how to fight?"

"I'm the one who got her started."

"You have got to be kidding me."

He raised his eyebrows, looking insulted.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that," I backpedaled quickly. "I just meant that it wasn't what I expected you to say, not because you couldn't. I mean… I just thought…"

"It's fine, Alice." He laughed and I felt my face heat up. "I'm sure a lab rat from Forks wasn't where you expected Bella's fighting ability to come from."

"Honestly, no, but that's not what surprised me." He looked curious. "I thought you were going to say that she could stay here, that you'd get some protection for her or that you'd protect her yourself. I guess I was still holding out a little hope that you and Bella were actually dating," I admitted.

"Really?" He was shocked. "You wanted me dating Bella? Why?"

"Bella had been through so much by then and you're such a great guy, I just thought you could have made her happy, at least until she ran again." I shook my head. "But I guess that would have caused even more problems." I caught his eyes. "You would have gotten hurt and I think she would have too, but you would have had each other for a while. Who knows," I shrugged, "maybe she would have stayed here with you."

"You have no idea how many times I wished for the same thing," he said sadly, "but she never saw me that way. I fell in love with her but it wasn't meant to be."

Seeing him looking so sad broke my heart for him all over again. Maybe, if Bella would have been able to return his feelings, she wouldn't be in the trouble she was in today. She could have stayed here and lived a peaceful life with Ben.

But then again, if she would have stayed, Carlisle wouldn't have found the only woman he'd ever loved. He would still be working a hundred hours a week, lost in his cases, instead of dreaming of a life away from the office.

Ben's voice pulled me from my thoughts as he continued.

"When we walked out of Carmen's office that day, Bella was happy and I think it was the first day I truly saw her smile and let me tell you, if I wasn't hooked before, I would have been after that."

His own smile grew as he thought about that day.

"She was still a little apprehensive about the whole thing, but she wanted to get started right away. So, for the next month, I spent almost every evening at her apartment." He laughed. "Her first floor apartment, thank God.

"At first, I showed her a few defensive moves and made sure she'd mastered those before we moved on. She was so determined to get every move right and she worked so hard that by the end of the third week, she could stop any attack I came at her with." He blushed then shook his head as he continued. "I was ready to…"

"Whoa! Wait a minute!" I cut him off abruptly. "What's that blush for? What are you not telling me?"

"Nothing."

His blush deepened. He wasn't getting out of this one.

"No, no, no. Don't think I can't see that." I pointed at his cheek and he lowered his eyes from mine. "Okay, now you have to tell me."

"Fine." He rolled his eyes and exhaled loudly. "One night while we were practicing, Bella got a little overzealous with one of her moves. She flipped me and our momentum carried us a bit too far and I rolled on top of her.

"We were both laughing until my mind and body realized that I was lying on top of her. I sobered up real quick and just lost myself in her eyes for a moment."

His lips twitched into a half smile before his face turned serious again and he shook his head.

"I felt her whole body tense when I kissed her, but after a second she allowed herself to kiss me back. God," he sighed, "it was the best feeling in the world and I let myself believe, for just a moment, that she could feel something for me too. But she pulled away."

There were tears in his eyes again as his emotions got the better him once more.

"She locked herself in the bathroom while I stood on the other side of the door apologizing and begging for her forgiveness. Telling her how stupid I was and I should have known better. When I had finally run out of words, I gave up, apologized one last time and told her that she wouldn't have to see me again until she was ready."

Leaning forward, his head fell into his hands as his elbows rested on his knees.

"I can't believe I did it. It was so stupid." His hands balled into fists, hitting his temples lightly a couple of times. "I knew. I knew she didn't feel anything for me, but I couldn't help myself. She was just so beautiful and the moment was so perfect. But I screwed up and almost ruined everything."

Hanging his head, Ben clasped his hands in front of him. He looked so defeated and before I knew it, I was on the floor, kneeling in front of him and holding his hands in mine. It wasn't much in the way of comfort but it was the best I could do.

"Tell me, Ben," I said, hesitantly. "What do you mean 'almost'?"

"My phone didn't ring once in three days and that wasn't like us. She and I had gotten close…closer than I'd ever expected. We talked every day and I was at her apartment most nights. On the weekends we practiced for a couple of hours and afterward we would just hang out and watch movies or play card games." He looked up at me. "We were friends."

Ben leaned back in his chair and I moved back to the bed, waiting for him to finish.

"When I didn't hear from her, I thought it was all over. It hurt to think I'd lost even her friendship because I'd made a stupid mistake. I'd messed up and I was going to have to live with it." He paused, taking a deep breath. "I had never expected her to come looking for me."

"She did." I smiled. He nodded.

"Four days after that stupid kiss, I was waiting for my food at the diner, a little depressed and not really paying attention to anything going on around me." He finally smiled. "I nearly jumped off the stool when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Bella was looking at me with a tiny smile on her face, motioning to the seat next to me and asking if it was taken. There was no way I could refuse her, so I grabbed my bag off the stool and threw my notebook inside so she could sit down.

"Neither of us spoke for a few minutes. It was awkward which, again, wasn't like us. But I knew, since it was my fault we weren't speaking, I needed to be the first to break the silence. Before I could, though, Bella turned to face me, reached out a hand to grab mine and _she_ apologized.

"She told me she was never upset by the kiss. It just scared her because she hadn't let herself get that close to another person in a long time. When I tried to apologize, she ordered me not to say it again.

"She knew how I felt about her and said that if things were different, maybe we could have had something together, but they weren't. She'd been through so much already and she refused to allow herself to bring someone else into her crazy life.

"I told her I wanted to be there for her…with her, but she said no. Too many people had gotten hurt already and she couldn't be responsible for another life." He shook his head. "You have no idea how much the guilt weighed on her. I saw it every day and it played a big part in the intensity she'd had as she learned to fight. I knew I couldn't add to her guilt, so I gave in and accepted the only role I'd ever play in her life."

"Friends," I mumbled quietly.

He nodded. "Friends."

I guessed what the rest of the story entailed, so I turned the conversation to a different topic.

"Tell me what happened the day Bella left."

He rolled his eyes. "That was a fun day."

"What does that mean?"

"Bella and I had already felt enough of the strain that ridiculous news article caused us." His brow furrowed. "You know about that, right?"

"Yes. Carmen told me about it," I confirmed.

"It was like the universe was acting against me that day, nothing went right. I got a speeding ticket on the way to the lab, spilled coffee on one of my notebooks, one of my pieces of equipment had some kind of meltdown, ruining one of my tests and my boss got on me for not having the test results ready as the deadline on our contract approached.

"It was just a bad day all around and, as I left the lab, I wanted nothing more than to pick up our dinner and meet up with Bella. I even had half a mind to ask her if we could just relax that night because I wasn't in the right frame of mind to practice anything."

He drummed his fingers on the table next to him.

"Since I was bringing dinner, she was supposed to be home waiting for me but when I knocked, I got no answer. I had parked next to her car when I got there, so I figured she just didn't hear me knock. After knocking a few more times, though, I got worried.

"I remember questioning her the day she gave me a key to her apartment. I told her it wasn't necessary because I was there so often anyway, but she said it would make her feel better to know I could get to her quickly if anything happened to her. I agreed, thinking there would never be a need for it, but as I stood there knocking without an answer and my anxiety running on an all-time high, I was finally glad she did."

His eyes glazed over as his memory took over.

"I let myself in and called for her, still with no answer. I rushed to check every room and I prayed that I didn't find her hurt somewhere. Thankfully that wasn't the case. I didn't find her and I grew more restless when I realized I didn't find anything."

He stopped drumming his fingers and his elbows were back on his knees again as he clasped his hands in front of him again.

"I walked back into the living room as I dialed but, one right after the other, every call I made went to voice mail. I picked up the food from where I'd dropped it when I ran in, taking it to the table and finally saw the note sitting there. As soon as I saw it, I swear I could feel my heart break. I didn't have to read it to know she was gone, but I read it anyway.

"It said that James found her again and she couldn't stay. I didn't believe it at first until I remembered the guy sitting in the corner of the diner when I picked up our food. I'd never seen him before and he never took his eyes off of me while I waited. I didn't give him a second thought at the time but as soon as I saw the letter, I knew who he was.

"I crumpled the paper in my hand and ran out the door. It took me ten minutes to get back to the diner. I wanted to tear him apart for all the pain he'd caused her and I would have if he was still there. I scared the hell out of Mrs. Cope when I ripped the door open screaming 'where is he.' She jumped about ten feet and dropped the plates she was carrying. On a normal day, I would've felt bad about it but I didn't care about anything else at that point. I needed to find James.

"I screamed at her, asking how long it had been since he left. I nearly fell to my knees when she told me he left right after I did, because I knew that could only mean one thing."

"Oh my God, he didn't." Both hands covered my mouth.

"Now, I don't know when she left or how much of a head start she had on him, but I thank God every day that she was gone. If she wasn't, I have no idea what could have happened to her.

"I called the police the second I got back to her apartment and found the door wide open and the place torn apart. Unfortunately, there was no sign of James. I couldn't even give them anything to go on."

"Why the hell not?" I asked a little more forcefully than I should have. "You saw him. You knew he was there."

"I didn't pay enough attention to him," he said defensively. "I couldn't describe his face if I wanted to. I didn't see the car he was driving. I didn't know anything. That bastard got away and there was nothing I could do about it."

"You did everything you could for her."

"She's in prison, Alice. I obviously didn't do enough."

"I know how hard this had to be for you, Ben. I appreciate you talking to me and giving me your side. It really is a big help."

"I'll do anything for her. I always will."

With those last words, I reached over and turned off the recorder. I had the information I needed to help with Bella's case, but I wasn't done yet, and I wanted the rest of our conversation to be off the record.

"Before you go, I have a couple more questions for you."

His eyebrow shot up and I knew what he was about to ask.

"_Off_ the record."

"Secrets, Ms. Brandon?" He stared at me for a second, curiosity written all over his face. "What could you possibly have to ask me that couldn't go on that tape?"

I started with the easiest question first.

"You said you would do anything for Bella, right?" He nodded. "The trial begins in a little more than a month and she's going to need all the character witnesses she can get. Would you be willing to testify on her behalf?"

"And here I thought you were going to ask me a tough question," he teased. "I already planned to be there. There's no way I could let her go through this alone. I'll just go a few days early and you and I can speak before the circus begins."

His fixed his gaze on me and I instantly felt nervous. He knew there was more but I didn't want to ask him. I needed the answer, though, not for the case, but for myself. I wanted to know how much he'd truly done for her.

"Ben, there's something that's been bothering me for quite some time and I think…" I hesitated, dropping my eyes. "Well, I don't really know how to ask."

"A direct question is usually best."

Not knowing how to start, I asked him another easy question.

"Did you keep in touch with Bella after she left here?"

"Yes." His answer was simple.

"A lot?"

"Yes," he tilted his head, eyeing me suspiciously, "but something tells me you knew that already."

"Well…" I blushed.

Beating around the bush wasn't my style, but bringing up the issue of money wasn't the easiest topic to approach with a stranger. Granted, Ben and I had great rapport but this was very personal and I didn't believe he'd appreciate me asking about his finances.

His laugh brought me out of my reverie.

"You wouldn't be the first one to ask me, you know," he said cryptically.

"Ask what?" I replied, acting as if I had no idea what he was talking about.

"You must remember, Ms. Brandon, I _do_ live here. I've heard every rumor there is and I'm more than certain that my dear friend Carmen didn't hold this one back."

He stared pointedly at me and my blush deepened.

"I thought so." He laughed again. "You want to know about the money," he said matter-of-factly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know how to…"

He held a hand up to cut me off. "Don't worry about it. I understand your hesitation.

"It was the biggest scandal around here in decades," he shrugged, "from what I hear. When Bella's picture hit the national news, the whole town was in an uproar. Since she didn't really associate with anyone, no one really knew her. They'd seen her around, of course, but she never spoke to anyone other than to say a quick hello or goodbye to them. Because they didn't truly know the woman she was, naturally, they all believed she was this vicious murderer.

"Once the assumption was made, my name went to the forefront of every conversation. Some thought I secretly helped her do it. Others thought I was in on it so we could be together once James was dead." He narrowed his eyes. "_Off the record, _I would have done it whether I got to be with Bella in the end or not."

His voice was threatening and I believed him. I was sure he would have done it to ensure Bella's safety. When he said he'd do anything for her, he meant it…literally.

Regaining his composure, he said, "The funny thing was, with all the rumors floating around, the one story they ever got right was the one no one really believed. Sure, they _talked_ about me giving Bella the money to escape, but no one believed straight laced, goodie two shoes Ben Cheney would ever do something like that." He rolled his eyes. "If they only knew."

"I know enough about Bella to say that she didn't just come right out and ask you for money," I stated. "What would have even brought up the topic?"

He scrunched up his face as he thought over his answer.

"I think it was about a week and a half after we started hanging out together. Bella was having a lot of trouble with one of the maneuvers we were working on and she just broke down, crying and asking why she bothered. She'd said he was just going to find her anyway and probably kill her when he did, so what was the point.

"She was so upset and, in my opinion, didn't realize everything she was saying. She'd let it slip that she was running out of money and was going to get stuck in some 'piss ant little town'," he held his hands up when I glared at him. "Her words, not mine. Anyway, she was afraid she's was going to run out of money and get stuck in a small town where the police wouldn't give a damn if she died or not. She would be an outsider, they wouldn't care."

"I'm still curious how she got the money to survive as long as she did. There's no way Bella could have saved the kind of money she would've needed to stay on the run all those years."

"You're curious?" He raised an eyebrow. "Come on, Alice, you're a smart girl. Do you really mean to tell me you haven't figured that part out yet?" He shook his head when I didn't answer. "Don't worry, you'll work it out."

He winked at me and I was the one to roll my eyes this time.

"So you just gave her money?" I asked when he stopped laughing.

"No." The grin stayed on his face. "I knew she would never accept money outright, so I did the next best thing." He paused. "I offered to pay for the documents she would need to set up a new life whenever she needed it. It was the only way I could think of for her to save the remaining money she'd had."

Knowing Bella, I asked the next obvious question. "How long did you argue?"

"A couple of days." The left corner of his lips pushed up slightly. "She knew my family had money and she believed that if she took any of it from me, it would be like taking advantage of me and our friendship. She was so dead set against it that it took a while to just get her to sit down and listen to my point of view. When I finally got her to listen, it still took a lot of convincing but in the end, I had decided to just put my heart out there, telling her that the cost was nothing compared to what her safety and her life meant to me and she finally gave in.

"We'd spent the rest of the week talking about what it would take to get her next set of documents. She'd already had one set on hand for the next time she needed to leave town, but she liked to be prepared in case she didn't have too much of a head start on James and she had to move again immediately after getting settled. It had happened to her once and she vowed to never let it happen again.

"After our last discussion about it, she'd made all the arrangements and I simply needed to give her the money." He shifted in his seat. "I had gained full access to my trust fund when I had turned twenty-five and no one could question the amount of money I withdrew or why like they could when I was younger. So, getting the money was no problem and I felt a little better knowing I could give her this one thing, even after she left me."

"She was lucky to have you," I said sincerely.

"I failed her, Alice."

"How can you say that?"

"The 'what ifs' are constantly in my mind. If I would have done more for her or if I would have tried harder…"

"You can't think like that." I cut him off. "Ben, you gave her a friend when she needed one. You gave her the money to keep living. It may not have seemed like a lot at the time but if it weren't for you, she wouldn't have survived as long as she did once she left here. And on top of all that, you taught her to kick some serious ass." I winked. "If it wasn't for you, she'd probably be dead today instead of him."

"I didn't do that," he commented.

"Yes you did. She needed you and you gave her every part of yourself that you could."

"No." He shook his head. "That's not what I meant."

I just stared at him, confused. He shook his head again.

"I didn't teach Bella how to fight," he said.

"But you said…"

"I said I got her started. I showed her defensive moves so he couldn't get to her so easily. She learned to fight when she was in California."

Now I was even more confused. I thought I had the story down and he had to throw this one at me. I didn't know what to say.

"I was going to ask you about this earlier, but I got distracted," he said as he picked up Bella's notes from the table where he'd set them down earlier. "You do know this isn't complete, right."

I nodded, unable to answer.

"She moved to Bakersfield after she left Modesto, but she didn't include that here."

He shuffled the pages to show me the last one. I'd already memorized that piece of it as I'd wracked my brain, trying figure out how I was going to trace her steps to account for the missing piece. It seemed that Ben could give me the answers I'd been hoping for.

"You know where she was?" I asked, finding my voice.

"Of course I do," he shrugged. "I'm the one who sent her there."

"Wait," I said, shaking my head to clear it, "you what?"

"2008 was coming to a close and I'd called her to wish her a happy new year," he said, launching into another story. "She didn't sound right, though. She didn't have that happiness in her voice that she always had when we talked. When I asked her what was wrong, she just said she was tired. She was tired of everything and she just wanted to give up. If James found her… he found her, she didn't care anymore.

"Well, you know me. I wasn't going to sit around and listen to her say things like that. I'd refused to let her give up. I'd told her she needed to finish what she'd started before she left here. It was the only way she could stand her ground and not have to run anymore.

"I had an old friend from college who owned a gym in Bakersfield. It was the best thing I could think of for her. He was ex-military and made a living training fighters in the art of war. In fact, 'Art of War' was the name of his gym."

"It was a three hour drive from Modesto and I told her that if she didn't go, then I was going to fly down there and kick her ass all the way there."

I laughed. I could actually picture him making that threat.

"You may think I was kidding but I would have done it. Thankfully, she agreed…and with very little argument, I might add." He chuckled. "I gave her his information and told her where to go once she got into town. When she got there, she just needed to ask for Edward Masen. He would take care of her and when he was done with her, she would know how to take care of herself."

"And you trusted him?" I asked.

"I trusted Edward with my life. Bella was in very good hands."

In the course of four hours, Ben had given me every piece of information I could ever need and more than I knew to ask for. I was damn lucky Carmen told me about him and then persuaded him to talk to me. He was going to help Bella's case more than any witness we'd contacted so far.

"Thank you, Ben, so much. You have no idea how much your information is going to help Bella's case. Carlisle's going to be ecstatic when he gets all of this."

"It means a lot to me that I'm able to help." He stood, grabbed his coat and held out a hand to me. "It's been a pleasure, Ms. Brandon."

I took his hand. "Yes, it has. You're an amazing man, Ben. Don't ever forget that."

"I tell myself that every day, Alice."

He winked at me before turning to the door. He looked at his watch quickly and turned back to me.

"Listen, it's nearly four-thirty and I haven't stirred up any good gossip in a while. What do you say we head to the diner and grab some dinner?" His face broke out in a breathtaking smile. "My treat," he offered.

I considered his offer for all of two seconds. "Okay, just let me freshen up a bit," I answered, grabbing my bag and heading to the bathroom.

The second the door closed, I turned on my phone – which I'd discreetly picked up off the night stand – and pushed the number two on my speed dial.

"_Hey Alice,"_ Carlisle answered after a few rings. _"How did your meeting go today?"_

"Great actually," I whispered, hoping Ben couldn't hear me. "Listen Carlisle, I don't have much time. Do you remember me telling you there was a missing piece of time in Bella's notes?" I spoke quickly.

"_Yes, you were going to look into it,"_ he answered.

"Well, I don't have to anymore. I know where she was during that time and I'm going to head straight there tomorrow. I have a good feeling about this, Boss. I think we're going to get everything we need when I get there."

"_I really hope so, Alice. Bella could use some good news right about now."_

I didn't have the time to think about what that statement really meant, so I let it go.

"It'll take me a couple of days to get there," I told him. "But I'll call you from the road and let you know how things are going."

"_You're the best, Alice. What would I do without you?"_

"Lucky for you, you never have to find out."

We said our goodbyes and, in fifteen minutes, I was ready to leave. I walked out of the bathroom and picked up my purse.

"Okay, I'm ready, but you're driving," I said playfully. "I don't want to kill myself before you buy me dinner."

His laughter filled the room. "Come on, California Girl, let's go eat."

I bundled up and followed Ben to his car, thinking the whole way about Bakersfield and what information I could get from Edward Masen.

* * *

**While he may have freaked Alice out in the beginning, she was able to see how great a man Ben really is. He truly is a sweetheart and he really did love Bella a lot. He will do everything in his power to help her because that's just the way he is.**

**Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	23. The Worst Day

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.**

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH. I know this one was hard but you both gave me the words of encouragement I needed to get through it. I love you both so much.**

**A/N: I really didn't mean for this chapter to take as long as it did, but it was, by far, one of the hardest chapters in this story to write. **

**And, please…please take note of the warning above; this one isn't going to be pretty.**

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_Chapter 22 Recap: In the last chapter, Ben filled Alice in on Bella's life in Forks. He told her all about how they became friends and the role he played in Bella's final escape from James. He also revealed his part in Bella becoming the badass she is today. Not only did he teach her some moves of his own, he was instrumental in sending Bella to the one person who could teach her everything she needed to learn to finally stand on her own again. The chapter left off with Alice planning her return to California to find Edward Masen to learn exactly what it was that Bella tried to hide._

_Caught up? Good…now, on with the story._

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**Chapter 23 – The Worst Day**

**Carlisle**

**February 22, 2010**

The front door slammed shut behind me as I trudged through the living room to the kitchen. Dropping my briefcase on the table, I went straight to the cabinet and pulled out the vodka bottle. With the way I was feeling, I almost didn't bother with a glass, but I felt the need to uphold the smallest semblance of civility so I pulled one off the shelf.

I drained the first two glasses quickly as I let the day play through my mind. Our meeting started out well enough. Bella had told me about spending Thanksgiving in 2006 with James' parents. I knew from the time she shared the first story that she hated being there and it upset her when she had to go back. She got aggravated just talking about it today and I should have taken that as my cue to leave well enough alone, but I didn't.

No. I just had to push, making the mistake of asking her about Christmas that year and she had broken down again. When the tears finally stopped, the yelling started. Having spoken to him already, I knew it involved what had happened to Jake and that was such a hard memory for her to go back to. But we were already running so short on time before the trial and it was such a huge part of her defense that I had to know.

The argument had gotten so bad, she had banged on the door relentlessly until Jasper finally gave in and took her away. I just hoped tomorrow would be a better day for us.

Shutting the day's meeting out of my mind, I took a deep breath and poured myself a third glass of vodka, throwing in a couple ice cubes and putting the bottle away. Grabbing my briefcase, I headed into my office to get to work. With Alice still in Bakersfield, I was stuck transcribing my own notes and recordings and I had put it off long enough.

Hours later, I was seriously contemplating giving Alice a raise. I didn't know how she did this every single day without going blind. My eyes were burning from staring at the computer screen for so long. During one of the silent stretches in the recording, I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes, trying to relieve some of the strain that had settled in.

Bella's voice filled the air again before I pulled my hands away and I was surprised by the sadness I heard seeping into her voice. Her tone had been the same as it was every day when this was recorded was made a few days ago and I hadn't noticed anything different as I typed her words at the beginning of the recording, but now her tone was so different. Crossing my arms and resting on the desk, I closed my eyes and listened.

She was telling me about Jake's birthday that year. About the party Leah and Emily were putting together for him after he returned from a trip on the road. She sounded angry at first because they hadn't once asked for her help, accusing them of keeping her out of it on purpose. Then her voice changed and all I heard was sorrow as she talked about how her friends seemed like they were living their lives without her. She didn't feel like a part of their little family anymore.

I absolutely hated myself for even thinking it, but I couldn't really blame them. James had very negative effect on all of their lives, not just Bella's. I knew it was hard for the five of them to be together the way they used to because Bella would bring James and he would undoubtedly cause a scene. And if he didn't do it publicly, whatever sparked his anger would build and he would take it out on her when they got home. And of course, Jake's party was no different.

James had caught Jake with his arms around Bella longer and more often than he deemed appropriate. He had pulled Bella into the house when no one was looking and hit her hard enough to knock the air from her lungs. He had told Bella – leaving no room for argument – that they needed to leave.

_'It's not like I could argue. He would have just dragged me out of there anyway. By doing what he asked, I was at least allowed to say goodbye to my friends.'_

Listening to her voice – so tired and broken – tore at my heart. Her friends meant everything in the world to her. He knew that and he stole that from her. Not wanting to hear anymore, I turned off the recorder and went back to the kitchen to get another drink.

The first shot went down quickly and was I just pouring a second when my phone vibrated in my pocket. Pulling it out, I saw Alice's name on the display. With a small groan, I answered it.

"Hello, Alice." I could hear how lifeless my voice sounded.

It had been a little more than a week since I'd heard from her and I should have been anxious to hear what she'd learned in Bakersfield, but I just couldn't bring myself to care at the moment.

"_Boy, don't you sound happy."_

"Sorry, bad night." Even my apology sounded flat.

"_Things haven't gotten any better?"_ Her concern came through the phone.

I ran a hand roughly over my face. "No. She still won't talk about it and our fights are getting worse. I'm afraid, Alice." I took a deep breath, exhaling loudly. "I'm afraid that she's going to completely shut down again before I get the answers I need."

"_It's that bad?"_

My laugh had no humor in it. "It's like we've regressed all the way back to the beginning. I can't say anything to her anymore without her biting my head off.

"I don't know what's going on, Alice. She hasn't had a problem telling me about all the other times. I just don't understand why that one incident is so hard for her to talk about." I swirled the liquid around in my glass before taking a quick drink.

"_Carlisle Cullen, you better not be drinking again,"_ she yelled at me.

I grinned in spite of myself. She knew me too well.

"I'm not."

"_Don't lie to me,"_ she warned. _"Look, I know how hard this is on you but, as I've been saying for months now, you have to remember how much worse it is for her. If you push her, she's going to shut down. It has to come in her own time."_

"And I agree with you, Alice, I really do. But we're out of time and she knows it. She just doesn't care."

"_You know that's not true,"_ she said angrily. _"I've heard the tapes, remember. Jake told you himself what his accident did to Bella. Do you think she's just going to get over that?"_ Alice sighed and her voice came out softer. _"Carlisle, I know you need it and she knows you need it, but you might have to accept the fact that she may never be ready to talk about it."_

I knew she was right, but it wasn't something I could bring myself to accept. Bella's frame of mind was directly related to Jake and Emily's injuries and if I couldn't properly portray the mental anguish she had been in, there was no way I could get a jury to believe the desperation she felt while she spent years running from him.

"I want to, Alice, but…"

"_But nothing."_ She cut me off. _"You'll have Jake's testimony and if the jury takes one single look at Bella while he's on the stand, there will be no question what she's feeling."_

I exhaled deeply. "You're right, Alice. This is just so-"

"_I know, Carlisle. You just can't beat yourself up over this. You have to think of ways to get around it."_

Feeling a headache coming on, I needed to change the subject.

"So, how's the trip going? Have you gotten everything we need? Are you on your way home?"

Alice's heavy sigh told a story all its own. I didn't even need the words.

"_No, I didn't,"_ she grumbled, _"and I'll be coming home tomorrow."_

"But you found him, right?"

"_Oh, I found him but I'm telling you right now, you're not going to like it_," she warned. _"I told you that we were going to get what we needed here. It's just not what I expected. I _can _tell you, though, that I truly believe James would be alive today if it wasn't for Edward Masen."_

**~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~**

**Bella**

**February 23, 2010**

I didn't get any sleep last night after Paul walked away from me. From the beginning, he had never been one to sugar coat things, always calling me out when I acted like a bitch and last night was more of the same. He didn't stand on my side blindly as I had hoped he would. He stood his ground and forced me to see that, even though it would hurt like hell, Carlisle needed the whole truth about my last days with James. And whether I liked it or not, that included the incident at Christmas.

My hand moved instinctually to my right temple where I still felt the residual effects of that day. The doctor told me there was enough damage that it would never fully heal and I had to learn ways to deal with the small memory lapses that would occur because of it. I had wished on more than one occasion that the damage done would erase the memories of my past, but I just wasn't that lucky. Every one of those was cemented in my mind; it was everything from that day forward I had trouble with.

Thankfully, it wasn't so extreme that I would lose whole chunks of time. I would just lose little pieces here and there if I wasn't smart enough to write them down. But I had learned to deal with it and moved on with my life. It was the physical pain that became the constant reminder of what James did to me that day.

It was a small thing, really, a tiny stab of pain that shot through my right temple as if someone had pierce the side of my head with a searing hot ice pick. I had realized quickly that, if I were to just put a little pressure on that spot for about thirty seconds, it went away. The pains used to come a lot in the beginning but they didn't come quite as often anymore. It was nice to go weeks at a time without one but the instant the pain did hit me; I felt the sting of each kick all over again.

I shook my head. That wasn't something I could think about at the moment. I had to steel myself for what I was about to face and I wasn't thinking of the memory I would share with him today, though, that was going to be awful enough. No, I was thinking about Carlisle.

I was ridiculously out of line yesterday when he asked me to talk about that horrible day. He'd had the patience of a saint from the moment we met. Yes, he would get angry but he had never once pushed me to talk about something I wasn't ready for. He would ask about the stories I was reluctant to tell him but in the end, he'd give me time and space, and the caring and understanding I had needed to get through every day. But what did I do? I threw it right back in his face as if it meant nothing, calling him 'a selfish asshole who was using me and my case to further his career.'

When I had told Paul what I'd said, I would have bet everything I had that he would have kicked my ass if he could get to me. That one comment, more than any other I'd ever said, set him off and I saw anger in his face for the first time. He proceeded to make me feel like shit as he told me about everything Carlisle had given up to defend me.

Paul was so upset with me that he didn't even want to talk to me after that. But he didn't just walk away. He had one thing left to say to me.

'_You lived a horrific life, Bella. Believe me, I get it. But if you take your eyes off of yourself for one second, you'll see that you have so many people that care about you and they're working their asses off to help you. And none of them more than Carlisle, so give him a _fucking _break for once and stop fighting against him because I'm sure, if you _want _to stay in this place, he has better things to do with his time that waste it here.'_

His words had haunted me for the last twelve hours, running through my head and causing the guilt to eat away at me. He was right, though. I had never given a second thought to how this case affected him or Alice or Whitlock or even my friends back home now that they knew what had happened to me.

Paul's words forced me to put their feelings to the forefront for the first time and now, after dwelling on them for the past twelve hours, I felt sick. I'd been so selfish and I was going to fix that today. I couldn't do anything about the others but with Carlisle, I could and I was going to make it up to him today.

Not even ten minutes after I'd had that thought, Whitlock stepped up to my cell door.

"On your feet, Swan."

"Whitlock?"

No answer, of course, we were still on the block. So I whispered my apology.

"I'm sorry."

I felt him pause for a second while putting my cuffs on so I knew he heard me. With the last click, he ordered me out of my cell. There were quite a few guards walking the halls today so, unfortunately, we walked in silence all the way to the conference room. He looked around him as he unlocked the door, there was one guard coming down the hall but he was too far away to hear the only word Whitlock spoke.

"Later." I nodded as he pushed open the door.

One step into the room and I could feel how different the atmosphere was from yesterday. Tension weighed heavily in the air, making my guilt spike. Paul's words flowed through my head again and it was obvious how much my harsh words affected Carlisle and I hoped with all my heart that he would accept my apology.

Within a couple of steps, though, I realized it wasn't going to be easy. He wouldn't even look at me when Whitlock led me through the room to the chair across from him. He sat with his head resting on one hand while his other lazily made notes on his notepad. It wasn't like him at all and I hated myself even more for our fight yesterday.

The second Whitlock had the cuffs off, I was out of my chair and around the table. I heard the door close behind me just as my hand touched his back.

"Carlisle, I'm so sorry for yesterday." His pen stopped. "I shouldn't have said what I did. I know why you asked, but that day was one of the worst of my life and just the thought of reliving it kills me."

His pen fell to the paper and he turned to me. I gasped when I saw his face. He looked awful. There was no smile to greet me today. His bloodshot eyes had dark circles underneath and his face had no life to it. I felt guiltier than I did when I walked in here because this was my fault. I was the one making this harder than it needed to be and he was paying the price for it.

"I…I never used you, Bella."

"I know that," I said softly, touching his cheek.

"I don't want to hurt you." He took my hands. "So if it's too hard, if you don't think you can talk about it, I won't force you."

I pulled one hand from his, brushing my fingertips lightly across his cheek and I smiled when he leaned into my hand.

"You don't have to." His brow furrowed. "I had a long talk with Paul last night…well, as long as we're able to have here," I corrected. "He told me that I can't keep this inside me anymore. I'll never get over it if I don't talk about it."

It wasn't a total lie. Paul did tell me those things. It wasn't until after I told him about the fight that he truly lost his temper with me.

"Carlisle, I have to do this," I said when he began to protest. "Not just for you or my case. I have to do this for me. I've lived with this for too long and I have to let it go."

I kneeled down next to his chair, holding his hands as I held his sad eyes with mine and hoped he would know how much I meant the words I was about to say.

"But I can't… I won't be able to get through this without you. As much as I ever tried to push you away, you've become my rock, Carlisle. You keep me going when I don't think I can. You hold me up when I'm ready to fall and you refuse to let me give up when my past crushes me to the point that I would just rather die here. I'm so sorry for trying to hurt you yesterday. I can't forgive myself for that, but please," I squeezed his hands, "please tell me I didn't ruin everything. Please tell me you're still here with me, that I didn't hurt you so much that you would leave me."

Carlisle had me in his arms before I took another breath, his embrace so tight I almost couldn't breathe. He buried his head in my neck as he spoke.

"I know you didn't mean it." His hand stroked my hair. "Don't worry, Sweetheart, I'll never leave you."

Sighing in relief, I tightened my arms around his waist. "I didn't. I promise you I didn't. It was stupid. I shouldn't have said…"

"Shh Bella, stop." He pulled back, placing a hand on my cheek and looking deep into my eyes. "It's over. It's what we do, remember?" A small smile pulled at the corner of his lips. "You yell and then I yell. You say something stupid, then I say something stupid right back and then we get over it." He quickly kissed my forehead before settling his eyes on me again with a full smile on his face. "You walked away yesterday before we could finish, which wasn't fair by the way. I had a really good comeback too." He smirked.

"Oh shut up, Counselor."

His eyes narrowed and I laughed, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him close. My heartbeat picked up its pace as Carlisle laughed with me. When his laughter died down, he spoke quietly.

"Just don't run out on me again, okay?" He backed away again, holding me in his gaze. "We're in this together, remember? Promise me, no matter what it is, we will talk it out, okay."

"I'll try, Carlisle. I promise you, I'll try." It wasn't the answer he was looking for, but it was the best I could give him.

He placed another kiss on my forehead. "Close enough."

The smile he gave me after he said that wasn't quite as bright as the last one, but as long as he was smiling again, I'd take it.

Now that the hard part was over, I stood up and leaned against the table in front of him. I smiled at the fact that he didn't let go of my hand because it gave me a little encouragement to ask my next question.

"Carlisle," I focused on our fingers, "can I ask you something?"

"Ask me anything, Bella."

"I was wondering..." I paused. "Would you mind… could we… um…?"

I paused again, wondering why I was so nervous. I wasn't asking for anything bad. It was just that I had never asked for something like this before, so I didn't know how he would react. I took a deep breath, looked up at him and just went for it.

"I don't think the chairs are going to cut it today." His brow crinkled. "Can't get close enough," I clarified. "And today I think I'm going to need that. I hate to ruin your suit but do you mind if we sit over there today?" I pointed to the corner. "No chairs…just us."

Without a word, he stood, grabbed his recorder and led me to the corner of the room. He sat down first, settling himself before holding out a hand to me. I moved to sit next to him with my back against the wall but he had other plans.

"Not close enough," he said quietly as he pulled me closer to him.

Once I was settled with my back against his chest, he circled one arm around my waist, resting his hand on my stomach. Linking our fingers together, I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself. Carlisle's fingers combing through my hair definitely helped, but I was still too nervous to begin.

"You don't have to, Bella," he whispered after several minutes.

His words forced a response. "Yes, I do."

One more deep breath and I tightened my fingers around his.

"You already know how jealous James was. No other man could touch me without his anger taking over. It wasn't too bad when it was someone like my principal or the other teachers in the school and I was able to talk him down most times and walk away without a mark. Even with Sam, I could get away most of the time with just an argument. But with Jake, he would literally flip out.

"I never understood how he could be so insanely jealous of Jake. It didn't matter that I had told him a million times that Jake was more like family to me. It didn't matter that he and Leah were so in love with each other that he couldn't even look at another girl. It didn't even matter that Jake had proposed to Leah and they were planning a wedding. James still lost it every time we were even close to each other. Some of the worst beatings he ever gave me were because Jake and I would always find ourselves closer to each other than James approved of. It was never intentional. We were close. It was just the way we were." I paused. "That's what happened in 2006."

My whole body tensed and Carlisle felt it. His arm tightened around my waist and I felt his kiss against my hair, giving me strength to go on.

"Jake and Leah were planning an April wedding and Emily and I were doing everything we could to help her get ready so she wouldn't stress herself out." I chuckled. "She had a tendency to overanalyze everything, so stress was always her biggest enemy.

"Anyway, I was off work for Christmas break and Emily called and asked if I would pick up some fabric samples from some shop before they closed for the holidays. It wasn't really a big deal so I called James to let him know I'd be out for a while and I ran out to the shop.

"Emily had asked if I would drop them off at the house so Leah would see them when she got home. Everyone was supposed to be at work, so I was just going to run in and out again. I was shocked as hell when I put my key in the door and it flew open."

"Jake was home sick that day," Carlisle cut in. "He told me about that."

"Yeah, he got caught in a storm on his last trip and ended up with a horrible cold. He was wrapped in a blanket when he answered the door and when he hugged me, he wrapped me in the blanket with him. I pushed him inside to get him out of the cold and he closed the door behind us."

I shivered as I remembered the day.

"I didn't know until later that James had been watching and in his eyes, the scene was far from innocent."

**~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~**

_**December 23, 2006**_

_I always lost track of time when I spent it with Jake. It didn't matter if we were talking, playing games or just hanging out on the couch watching a movie, time always seemed to move faster when we were together._

_It had been a while since I'd seen him. Work kept him on the road quite a bit lately while he tried to save money for the wedding. Needless to say, I was more than thrilled when he surprised me at the door and we fell right back into our old ways – hanging out, catching up and watching one of the classics on TV. _

_We were happy to be back together again. At least we were until his bitter voice cut through our serenity._

"_You better go, Sis," Jake urged. "Dinner's in like three hours. Can't be late."_

_I had to quickly count to ten before I went off on him for both his tone and his comment._

"_Stop it, Jake. I don't want to fight with you."_

"_Who's fighting? I'm just telling you it's time for you to go."_

"_Can we not do this today, please?"_

_This was the way things had been with us lately. When we were with Sam, Emily or Leah, things would seem normal. But when we were alone, Jake always found it hard to play nice. I knew he just wanted to protect me, but he had no idea how much his little comments hurt. He had no clue that the only reason I stayed with James was to protect the four of them. After what he had done to Emily, I wasn't taking any more chances._

"_Do what, Bella? Talk some sense into you? Someone has to." I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Well if I can't do that, what can I do, Bella? What can I do to make sure you stay safe?"_

"_I'm fine, Jake. Why can't you support me and be there for me when I need you just like a brother should be?"_

"_Like I deserve that title anymore," he scoffed, shifting his body away from me. "A real brother would have dragged you out of that house and away from him a long time ago."_

_I sighed again, wishing he knew how hard this was for me. Emily had barely begun to live a semi-normal life again after what James had done to her. I couldn't let him hurt anyone else because of me._

"_Jake, I love him," I lied. "He's not the monster everyone is making him out to be. He may lose his temper sometimes, but we're working on it. And he loves me, Jake. I know he does," I added quickly before he could protest._

"_What…the bigger the bruise, the more he cares? Is that how it works, Bella?" His eyes narrowed. "Hmm…by your standards, I shouldn't even be marrying Leah 'cause I obviously don't love her enough."_

_His words punched a hole straight through my heart. I couldn't believe he said such a thing. Out of the four of them, Jake's words always meant the most to me and in all the years I'd known him, that single sentence was the worst thing he had ever said to me. Just the words alone were enough to knock all the air out of my lungs, but it was the look in his eyes that told me he meant every one._

"_You're an asshole," I snapped as I rushed to the door._

_Tears were pouring down my face before I even made it to the door. I didn't even bother with my coat, I just grabbed my purse, threw the door open and tried to run. Only Jake's arm around my waist stopped me as he pulled me back into the house and slammed the door._

"_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He repeated over and over again as he spun me around and enveloped me in his arms._

_His entire body folded around mine as he held me as close to him as possible, squeezing me so hard I couldn't breathe. I sucked in as much air as I could before he realized it was too tight and he loosened his grip, but only slightly. His head was buried in my neck and I couldn't tell if they were his tears or mine sliding down my skin._

"_I just… I can't…" His voice shook as he cried. _

_Jake didn't cry often and it broke my heart every time I'd heard it. But this was worse because this time he was crying for me, for a situation I couldn't change. My arms slipped around his waist, holding him as tight as he held me._

"_Don't go back to him, Bella, please," he begged._

_My tears fell harder. "I have to, Jake," I choked out._

_He pulled back and cupped my face in his hands, thumbs brushing away my tears while his poured down his cheeks. Seeing him that way was almost enough for me to give in, but the constant image of Emily's scarred face and body in my head kept my resolve strong._

"_You don't, Bell." His eyes were pleading with me to listen. "Stay with me. Let me take care of you. Let me protect you."_

"_You c-"_

"_I promise," he said, cutting me off. "I promise God and I promise you that I will never ever let him near you again. I won't let him hurt you anymore."_

"_Jake, you-"_

"_I'll kill him first, Bella. I swear to God I'll kill him if he even thinks about coming near you again." _

_His eyes burned into mine and I knew he was serious. And it scared me. _

_My hand shot up to cover his mouth. "Never say that again, do you hear me? Do you honestly think I could ever allow you to risk your life that way?"_

_He pulled my hand away. "You're my sister. I'd do it for you."_

"_No! You can't say things like that. You can't even think something like that. You have to think about Leah, Jake, and your life with her. She needs to be your priority."_

_He was about to argue but my glare and pointed finger stopped him. _

"_Don't you dare, Jacob Black." He flinched as I used his full name. "You promise me right now that you won't do anything stupid."_

"_But Bell-"_

"_No buts, Jacob." I cut him off forcefully and he nodded in defeat. I softened my voice as I continued. "You have your whole life ahead of you. You're marrying the most amazing woman in the world and you two are going to have the family you've always talked about. You cannot throw all of that away. I won't let you. Not for me."_

_I tried to blink back the tears that filled my eyes again, but it was useless. Jake reached up and brushed his fingers across my cheeks to wipe them away._

"_I love you, Little Brother, and I know you only want to protect me but I'm fine." I took his hands and held them in mine. "James loves me just as much as I love him. Yes, we fight sometimes and we both say and do things that hurt each other, but we're working on it…together."_

_Again, his mouth opened so he could argue, but I squeezed his hands and continued before he could speak a single word._

"_I know you don't like it and I know you think I'm crazy, but you have to trust that I know what I'm doing. I know our relationship is far from perfect but we both want this to work." _

_I paused a second to take a breath before forcing out the words I knew would break his heart._

"_I'm going to marry him someday, Jake."_

_The tears he'd been holding back since he'd made his threat finally fell, making new trails over the already dried lines on his cheeks. He shook his head in denial._

"_No, Bella, please don't."_

_I reached up to wipe away his tears and held his cheeks while I looked him in the eye and told him the biggest lie of my life. _

"_He's it for me, Jake. I love him with all my heart and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him." I threw my arms around his neck and buried my face in his chest. "Please Jake, trust me and stand by me. I need to know you're with me."_

_His arms slid around my waist and he held on tight. "I hate this. I can't believe you're doing this but I'll always be with you, Bella. Someone has to stand up for you and that's always going to be me."_

_We held each other for a few more minutes before Jake spoke again._

"_You better go, Bella." He squeezed me once and let me go. "I know what he'll do if you're late and I won't give him any excuse to hurt you."_

_My face fell. I wanted to argue with him but I knew he wouldn't listen. Besides that, he was right. James would be angry if I was late but he would be furious if I was late because I was with Jake._

_I stood on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. "Do you need anything before I go?"_

_He shook his head. "No. Just get home. I'll be fine."_

_I smiled and kissed him again before putting on my coat and opening the door._

"_Bella," Jake stopped me a few feet from the door. "Stay safe, Sis. I love you."_

_Smiling again and fighting back tears, I said, "Love you, too, Little Brother."_

_I turned to leave, resisting the urge to run back to my car. Tears dribbled down my cheeks as I drove, trying to keep everything inside. It wasn't until I closed my front door behind me that I collapsed and broke down._

_When the tears finally stopped, I pulled myself from the ground and went upstairs to clean up before I started dinner. I didn't even get my shirt over my head before I heard the front door slam and James screamed my name._

_My body reacted before I could think and I was in our newly furnished office, hiding behind the high-backed chair that had been pushed into the corner. The fury in his voice was worse than I'd ever heard before and I knew I was in serious trouble._

_I was shaking uncontrollably as I heard him make his way upstairs and a door crashed into a wall. My hands covered my mouth to keep my heavy breaths from making a sound. I was in a new hiding place today, hoping he would just give up if it took too long to find me._

"_Bella!" His yelling was getting louder. "I am not playing this game with you!"_

_I heard a door slam as he checked another room._

"_You're not making this any better, Bella!"_

_Another door slammed down the hall from the room I was in. I pulled my body tighter together and prayed he wouldn't see me. I heard my door fly open and crash into the wall behind it._

_I jumped._

_He heard._

"_Ah babe," his voice was soft and deceptively loving, "haven't you learned…I will always find you."_

_The chair that served as my protection was flipped over and I fell backwards. The slap across my right cheek stung and made my eyes water._

"_Where were you today?" _

_James was on one knee next to me with his other foot planted on the other side of me and he was holding me off the floor by my shirt. My hands were on his chest trying to push him away but it was no use._

"_I asked you a fucking question and I better get an answer!"_

_I felt the spit hit my face as he spoke. I couldn't answer him, it would be worse if I did. My back hit the ground a second before my head and the force caused me to lose focus for a second. I didn't feel the next hit through the pain but I tasted the blood as it seeped into my mouth from my split lip._

_The shadow of his body was gone and I rolled over to my side. Tears were falling but I couldn't cry out no matter how much it hurt because that always made it worse. I realized it wasn't my smartest move as soon as his foot landed in my stomach._

"_You think I'm stupid! You think I don't know you went to Jacob's house!"_

_The second kick knocked me onto my back._

"_You think I don't know the two of you waited for his girlfriend to leave so you could be alone!"_

_The third kick hit my side and I heard the familiar crack as my ribs broke._

"_Brother my ass! You're probably fucking him too, aren't you, you cheap fucking whore!"_

"_Stop…please." I begged in a whisper. I had no air to scream._

_His next kick grazed my temple, sending a shooting pain through my head and neck. The next dislocated my shoulder, a punch to my chest knocked all the air out of me and his hand around my throat stole my last few breaths._

"_You just can't stay away from him can you, Bella?" Pure hate looked down on me as I gasped and clawed at his wrist. "Did you at least make it to the bedroom before you fucked him?" _

_His hand left my throat and my vision went out of focus as the back of his hand crashed into my cheek._

"_Maybe he just threw the blanket down and fucked you right there by the door."_

"_You were spying on me?" I forced the words from my sore throat._

_I saw red and my fist flew, catching his cheek. The hit stunned him for a second and I struggled to get away from him. The pain as I rolled to my side had me seeing stars. James' laugh just made me more determined as I braced myself with my one good arm, trying to get to my feet._

"_Having trouble?" He chuckled._

"_Fuck…you," I panted as I took a few steps toward the door._

"_Aww, babe, you can't leave yet." His hand caught the waist of my jeans. "We're having too much fun." He yanked me back and I flew into the desk._

_My vision blurred and all the air left my body on impact. Helpless and blinded by the pain, I waited for another punch or kick, but none came. He was playing with me. He gave me the chance to recover from the blow and when I could finally catch a breath, I pushed myself up from the desk and turned to see him pacing in front of me like a caged animal._

_He stopped as I faced him and anger coursed through me when his eyes met mine. I reached back and threw the first thing my hand landed on at him. He stumbled back a step as a picture frame sliced his cheek. His eyes hardened and his lip twitched as his hand wiped the blood away._

"_You bitch!" _

_He lunged at me but I ducked away from his punch. I almost made it out of the room when he tripped me. My head hit the door as I fell and the pain clouded my vision again when I landed on my already hurt shoulder. I screamed, curling in on myself and holding my arm still._

"_Where do you think you're going?" He kicked my shoulder, causing another painful scream. "Back to Jake? Sorry, babe," he kicked my stomach, "not happening."_

_I felt like my head was going to explode when his shoe hit my jaw._

"_Why do you go back, Bella?" Another kick to my stomach. "Do you like being his little slut?" My mouth filled with blood as he kicked my jaw again. "Does he fuck you better than I do?"_

_I spit the blood on his shoes. "Yes!"_

_That one word stopped him._

"_Better," I spit out more blood and smiled at him, "than you ever could!"_

_Fury twisted his face and more blood flew from my mouth as three quick kicks hit my stomach, chest and arm. I caught his leg after the third one, knocking him off balance. I kicked him the second he hit the floor, hitting his cheek and shoulder. He grabbed my legs to stop my assault but I couldn't stop fighting. My teeth clamped onto his leg and I heard him roar in pain._

_Just the sound of his pain made me bite harder. He let go of my legs and a split second later, his fist crashed into my temple. He pulled his leg away when I cried out and then I screamed louder when his teeth sunk into my leg. Another kick hit my head as I tried to fight him off._

_I saw the blood on his lips when he finally let go, stunned for a moment as I realized he'd broken through my jeans to actually draw blood. My hesitation gave him the upper hand and another punch hit me. There was no stopping him then as punch after punch pummeled my face and body wherever he could reach._

_As I lay crying, he found his way to his feet, kicking me over and over again. I lifted my good arm to try and block the kicks to my head but it was useless. He slapped my arm away and stomped on the side of my head. He landed a couple more punches and one more kick to my temple before everything stopped and I heard him shouting._

_My body was broken and I was on the edge of consciousness, but I had to find him. To be ready when he came at me again. But when I tried to turn my head to see him, a stabbing pain shot through my head and neck and I blacked out._

_**December 25, 2006**_

_My head was pounding as I woke and the incessant beeping next to me making it worse. My body ached and my throat was dry and I needed some aspirin and water to fix it. I felt as if I'd been in bed forever and it was time to get up. My eyes fluttered but wouldn't open. I tried again…nothing. I panicked and my heart sped up, causing the steady beeping to go wildly out of control. An ear-splitting scream echoed off the walls as I rushed to sit up._

"_Shh, it's okay, Bella." Two hands on my shoulders guided me back down gently._

"_I can't see!" My hands snapped up to touch my face, but were stopped as fingers curled around my wrists. "Why can't I see?"_

"_It's all right, Bella."_

"_Oh God, I'm blind!"_

"_Please, you have to stay calm."_

"_I'm blind!" I shrieked._

_Another scream ripped through me when an agonizing pain hit me right in the chest as I fought against the woman holding me down. And then I remembered the fight, the pain in my head and neck, my dislocated shoulder and my broken ribs. Sweat covered my forehead and I gasped for air as my body fell limp against the bed._

"_It's okay, Bella. You're not blind," she told me in a soft voice._

"_Why…can't I…see?" I tried to catch my breath._

"_Bella," a man's voice startled me and I grunted as my body jerked, "I'm Doctor Morgan. You've suffered some damage to your right eye and we've bandaged them both to keep them closed while you heal."_

"_When can you take it off?" I asked._

"_Well, it hasn't quite been forty-eight hours yet. Why don't we…?"_

"_F-f-forty-eight hours?" I stammered. "Two days? I lost two days."_

_The heart monitor, which had just begun to slow, picked up speed again as I began to hyperventilate._

"_Please, Bella," the woman said, "we need you to stay calm." She grabbed my hand and placed it against something hard. "Breathe with me."_

_Her chest rose and fell underneath my hand once before she placed her own hand in the middle of my chest._

"_Just breathe," she repeated and I took as deep a breath as I could to follow her movement. "That's it…breathe."_

_Her tone was soothing and after several minutes, my breathing steadied and the pounding in my head lessened a bit._

"_Doctor," was all she said._

"_I'm sorry, Bella. This must come as quite a shock to you." He hesitated. "You were brought in two days ago and have been unconscious until now. We've had a chance to reset your broken ribs, readjusted your shoulder and hip."_

"_My hip?" There was nothing wrong with my hip._

"_Yes, both your left shoulder and right hip were dislocated. We've also stitched up the lacerations in your right temple and left cheek, and we've bandaged the bite mark on your right calf." He paused again before he exhaled loudly. "Now, Bella, I know all of this must be a lot to take in but I must apologize to you."_

_That didn't sound good. "For?"_

"_Well, after everything you've already been through, I hate to say this but I'm going to have to leave the bandages on your eyes for a while longer. I would hate to take them off too soon and cause any more damage. There will be a nurse coming in every couple of hours to apply ice to your eye to keep the swelling down."_

_I could feel the bandages as they soaked up my tears and I was thankful that they couldn't see me cry. _

_A big hand covered mine. "Get some more sleep, Bella. It can only help."_

"_Thank you, Dr. Morgan." I tried to keep my voice steady._

_I heard the click of his shoes as he walked toward the door. _

"_Bella," the nurse called quietly, "if the pain gets to be too much, push this button," she guided my hand to a button that seemed to be taped to the handrail of the bed, "twice and it'll be enough to relieve the pain."_

"_Thank you." I copied her tone and it helped keep my emotions from leaking into my words._

_She ran her hand over my hair. "Get some sleep, Bella. I'll be back in to check on you in a couple hours." _

"_Nurse?" I called before she could leave._

"_Yes, Bella."_

"_Can you tell me if I've had any visitors?"_

"_Yes," she snapped, catching me by surprise. "Your husband was here a few hours ago."_

"_My what?"_

"_Your husband." She said it with such anger in her voice, nothing like the way she'd spoken to me so far._

_I could understand the anger. She obviously knew, or at least suspected, what had happened to me. I ignored her answer and, still keeping my voice quiet so I could breathe, asked another, more important, question._

"_Can you tell me if Jacob Black has been here?"_

"_I'm sorry, Bella, but your husband left specific instructions that no one is allowed in here."_

"_He what?" I yelled and then gasped as I tried to catch my breath again. "He can't…he can't do that."_

"_Unfortunately, as your husband, he can."_

"_But he's…not…my husband."_

"_I'm sorry, Bella, but our records show that he is." Her voice was sympathetic. "If you'd like me to verify the information with him again…"_

"_No!" _

_I knew what would happen the second she questioned him about it and it wouldn't be good for me. He couldn't do anything while I was here, of course, but I would pay for it once he got me home. I had no choice but to let it go._

"_It's okay, really. Thank you."_

"_Sleep now, Bella. I'll be back soon."_

_With the soft click of the door, I was alone. I wanted to cry but I had no right. I had willingly handed my life over to James and everything that had happened I'd done to myself. I chose this life. James owned me and there was no going back._

_Not wanting to dwell on what I couldn't change, I decided to follow the doctor's orders and began counting the steady beats of the heart monitor so I could relax and try to sleep. _

_One hundred and nineteen beats later, I lost count as I felt myself drifting. _

"_One…two…three," I started again, "four…five…six…se..."_

_My word cut off by my shriek and a stabbing pain in my head. My eyes squeezed tightly shut and my arms wrapped around me head, trying to smother the pain. My teeth clamped down on my right arm as my left hand fumbled for the button the nurse showed me. Four quick pushes and my arm was back around my head._

_It felt like my head was splitting in two and I held on, teeth clamped until the pain meds took effect and I was knocked out._

_I woke sometime later to an ice-cold object being held against the outside corner of my eye. I tried to open my eyes but couldn't, the bandages obviously still in place. Slowly, I reached up and touched the hand I could feel against my cheek._

_I groaned. "Too cold."_

_The bed shifted slightly. "Good morning, Isabella."_

_The voice was different and she called me by a different name. It wasn't the same nurse as before. And she said morning. How long had I been asleep?_

"_Please," I tried to push her hand and the cold object away, "it's too cold."_

"_I'm sorry but we have to keep the swelling down." She gently moved my hand and held it while keeping the object in place._

"_Yes?" I heard another voice._

"_Can you please page Dr. Morgan and tell him that Isabella Swan is awake?"_

_She must have pressed the call button once I woke up._

"_Yes, of course," the other voice said._

"_Thank you," she said as she slid the cold object to a spot beneath my eye. "Just a few more minutes and I'll let you rest, Isabella."_

_I didn't answer and just waited for her to finish. I closed my mind off to the cold and before long she pulled the thing away from my face._

"_That should do it for now." The bed moved again as I pictured her standing up. "It's not good for you to stay on your back for so long. Would you like some help moving to your side before I go?"_

"_Yes, please." I was getting a bit uncomfortable laying the way I was._

_My entire body protested as she helped me onto my left side. Once I was settled, she gave me a quick pat on the hand and told me she'd be back in to treat my eye again before the doctor showed up. I thanked her and she left._

_The new position did feel better, giving some relief to the sore muscles along my back. I rested for a while in the quiet room, drifting in and out of sleep a couple of times before that awful pain hit me again._

_I bit the pillow, muffling my scream as my hand pressed against my head. I pushed hard, hoping I could force the pain away and, thankfully, relief came in minutes. The episode left me panting as my teeth released their death grip on the pillow. Exhausted, I fell back into sleep._

_The cold woke me again and I hissed as I felt the same object being held under my eye._

"_Almost done, Isabella."_

"_Can I have some water?"_

"_There's some broth here for you. Give me a minute and I'll help you."_

_I nodded and held still while she finished. Once she'd put the object away, she helped me onto my back again and raised the bed a little higher than normal so I could take the broth without spilling. We made it through several sips before I heard him._

"_Oh thank God you're awake." James sounded relieved._

_I heard the faintest groan from the nurse before the spoon touched my lip again, signaling me to open my mouth. I sipped more of the broth just as James lifted my hand to kiss it._

"_I should be the one taking care of you, sweetheart. Let me help you with that."_

"_We're almost done here," the nurse said in a hard voice._

"_Then I'll be the one to finish." _

_I heard the annoyance in his voice and I knew how fast that could change. Not wanting any problems here, I took the next sip that touched my lips then spoke, keeping my voice to a whisper._

"_It's okay. He can finish. I'm sure you have other patients to look after." I took a breath. "We'll be fine here."_

"_Of course." The spoon dropped onto the tray. "I'll be back with the doctor soon."_

_The last word sounded like a warning and I hoped James hadn't recognized it for what it was._

"_You'll have a new nurse in an hour, Bella." He issued his own warning before the door even closed._

"_No, James. She's nice and I like her."_

_He exhaled. "Fine but if she conducts herself in that manner again, she's gone."_

"_Okay," I agreed reluctantly, knowing it was pointless to argue._

_He touched the spoon to my lip just as the nurse had and I opened to take a sip. He apologized over and over again while he fed me and I accepted every one as I always did, knowing they were empty words. This wasn't the first time and it wasn't going to be the last. I had already accepted my fate and fighting with him about it now wasn't going to change it._

"_The doctor might remove the bandages today." I said, changing the subject._

"_Oh babe, that's so great. I can't wait to see those beautiful brown eyes again."_

_He touched the spoon to my lip again and I took it in but it dripped back out again as the pain hit me. I bit into my lip to keep from screaming in front of him and pressed my hand into the side of my head just as I had earlier._

"_Bella! Bella, what's wrong?" I bit down harder. "Bella, you're bleeding." I felt his panic as he tried to pull my lip from between my teeth. "Babe, stop!"_

_The pain faded again and I released the hold on my lip. James held my hands in one of his as he ran his finger over my chin._

"_What was that, Bella? Please tell me you're okay."_

_Okay? I wanted to laugh. Nothing about this was okay. Nothing about me would ever be okay again. I was his punching bag and with ever swing he took, I became less and less okay._

"_I'm fine," was all I said._

_He bothered and kept asking but I would never give him anything more. I didn't want him to have another potential weak point to focus in on the next time he hit me. The fewer targets he had the better off I was._

"_James," I said his name forcefully and drew in a breath to continue, "I said I'm fine. I have a really bad headache and you're not making it any better."_

"_I'm sorry, babe." He held my hands and the bed dipped as his lips touched mine. "I truly hate to see you in pain."_

_I barely held in the laugh that wanted to escape. He had nerve saying something as ridiculous as that while I was the one sitting in a hospital bed with every inch of my body hurting, barely able to breathe and unable to see because of something he had done._

_Thankfully, I was saved from having to respond as the door opened and Dr. Morgan walked in._

"_Hello, Bella," he said cheerfully. "How are you feeling today?"_

"_I'm okay, Doctor. I want to…"_

"_She _is not_ okay," James grumbled. "Do you see this?" I winced as he jerked my chin with a little too much force. "She bit into her lip so hard she drew blood. Do you really think that's okay?"_

_A cold finger touched my bottom lip. "Bella, what happened to make you do this?"_

_Fucking James couldn't keep his mouth shut, but I wasn't going to admit to anything._

"_I have a headache and I'm trying to get through without pain meds," I explained._

"_What the hell are you thinking, Bella?" James growled. "Why would you...?"_

"_Mr. Denton," Dr. Morgan cut him off with a harsh voice, "would you please wait outside while I examine Ms. Swan."_

_I didn't know him but even I heard the tension in Dr. Morgan's voice. And if I heard it, I knew James heard it. With the bandages in place, no one saw my eyes squeezed tight as I waited for the explosion._

"_Like hell I will," he yelled. "You think I'm going to leave her alone with you?"_

"_You have no say in the matter."_

"_I will have you…"_

"_One phone call," Dr. Morgan's voice was severe, "is all it will take to have you removed…_permanently_."_

_The force of his last word startled me and I sucked in a breath as a pain hit my ribs. I felt a hand touch my arm and then James' lips touched mine softly._

"_It's okay, babe. I'll be back in twenty minutes."_

"_You'll be back when I tell you that you can come back," Dr. Morgan challenged him again._

_James' voice was farther away now and I pictured him at the door. "Twenty minutes, Bella."_

_The room was quiet for a few minutes before I heard the nurse's voice. "Yes, Doctor."_

"_I'm sorry, Bella," Dr. Morgan apologized. "I would like to remove your bandages and I didn't need him getting in the way."_

"_It's okay, Doctor." I held back the grin that wanted to come out. "I completely understand."_

_A soft chuckle escaped before he spoke. "Are you ready for this, Bella?"_

_Drawing in a deep breath and releasing it loudly, I answered, "Yes. Please."_

_The nurse moved my bed to a fully upright position and leaned me forward just a bit. I felt hands on the back of my head and then the slight release in pressure as the bandage was slowly removed._

_Once the bandage that wrapped around my head was gone, the doctor spoke, "Now Bella, when I remove these," his fingers traced the outside of the patches over my eyes, "your eyes are going to be very sensitive to light for a while. While it'll be frustrating, it's completely normal."_

"_What happened to my eyes?" I asked. "Will I be able to see when you take these off?"_

"_Let's get the patches off first, okay?" He avoided my questions._

_Avoidance always meant bad news and I began to panic._

_The tape was carefully removed from the patch covering my left eye._

"_Keep your eye closed, Bella," he said before pulling the patch away._

_The sudden change from darkness to light had me squinting a bit but I relaxed quickly. Terrified, I followed his order and kept my eye closed while he worked to remove the other patch. As he took the second patch away, his cold fingers probed around the area lightly._

"_Nurse," he said to her and paused before he spoke to me. "Just another minute, Bella." Another pause. "Now this is going to be cold, okay?"_

_I nodded, knowing exactly what he was going to do. I flinched slightly and squeezed my eyes tight when the cold metal touched the corner of my right eye._

"_I'm sorry, Bella." He pulled the object away and stroked the skin at the corner of both my eyes. "You have to relax for one minute, okay."_

_With a deep breath and a wince, I nodded. "Sorry."_

_As I relaxed, he put the object back to my eye again. He held it in place for thirty seconds, counting down with me right before he moved it to the skin just under my eye. After another thirty seconds, he pulled it away. His fingers were even colder now as he probed the skin around my eye._

"_Nurse."_

_With that one word, the light changed, plunging me into darkness once again. His hands held both sides of my head while his thumbs rested at the corners of my eyes._

"_Okay, Bella, I want you to slowly open your left eye first." Both eyes fluttered and his hand instantly covered my right eye. "Just the left one, Bella," he reminded me._

_With another flutter, I slowly slid my eye open. The room was dark without a single light on and the thick curtains closed, giving me time to adjust to having my eye open for the first time in days._

_With the pad of his thumb slowly rubbing the corner of my eye, Dr. Morgan spoke, "Are you okay, Bella?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Okay, we're going to let some light into the room. Remember, there wasn't any damage done to your left eye so you shouldn't have a problem with the light, but I want you to tell me if it's too much, okay."_

_After a nervous breath, I answered, "I will."_

_The first sliver of light made me jump but as the nurse opened the curtain further, I was happy that it didn't hurt my eye the way I feared it would. And I let out a sigh of relief that I really could see again._

_With everything in focus, I was able to see my doctor for the first time. He was handsome and older than I expected, salt and pepper hair with a little extra gray at his temples and lines set into the corners of his eyes, but what I focused on was his smile. He was wearing one of the biggest smiles I'd ever seen and it made him seem younger than the mid-fifties I guessed he was._

"_Well, hello there." His smile grew impossibly wider. "I'm going to venture a guess and say your eye is fine."_

"_I think so." I smiled back at him._

"_Are you ready to try the other?"_

"_Yes," I said hesitantly._

_He glanced over his shoulder at the nurse and nodded his head once. She let the curtains fall back into place, plunging the room back into darkness. Dr. Morgan took his hand away from my right eye but left his thumb touching the corner._

"_Okay, this one is going to be tough but I want you to tell me when the light becomes too much."_

"_What's wrong with my eye?" My voice broke as my panic returned, dreading the answer he would give me._

"_Let's get through this and then we'll talk."_

_He avoided my question again, making me uneasy. His thumb brushed back and forth under my eye a couple of times before resting it back at the corner._

"_Okay, Bella, I want you to open your eye slowly, blink a couple of times and close it again."_

_I did as he instructed and hissed. It felt like my eyelid was coated with sandpaper, scratching my eye with every move. When my eye finally closed, I was breathing heavy and he asked if I was okay. I told him about the scratching but he said it was what he'd expected and then asked me to try it again. After a few more tries, I could feel the moisture finally filling my eye, giving me some relief. I felt his thumb wipe up the wetness at the corner._

"_Perfect. Now I want you to open both of your eyes and leave them open. We're going to let the light back in."_

"_Okay." I nodded, nervous again._

_I jerked, shrieked and shielded my eye the second the nurse slid the curtain open. It wasn't much but even that small amount of light burned. Darkness filled the room again when the curtain closed._

"_What happened, Bella?" Dr. Morgan asked concerned. _

"_It burns," I whimpered, unable to hold my tears back. "You said…it would be…uncomfortable." I was panting, trying to control my breathing again after my quick move pulled at my ribs. "Not burning."_

"_I'm sorry, Bella. I wish I could have warned you but I didn't expect that," he defended himself. "It's not normal with your type of injury."_

"_What is wrong with…my eye, Dr. Morgan?" I was trying for demanding but it came out as a breathy whine._

_He exhaled. "I hate to explain this while you're unable to see what I'm talking about."_

"_Please, you're scaring me more by not telling me." _

_Thankfully, my breathing had slowed enough to speak normally again, allowing my words to come out steadier than I thought they would._

"_That's not my intention. I just didn't want to worry you unnecessarily because it will sound worse than it should."_

"_Dr. Morgan, I've been through enough in the last year. I'm not as fragile as people think."_

_I didn't explain any further because, if he'd read my history, he would know exactly what I meant._

"_I know that, Bella. I just didn't want to cause you any undue stress."_

_I assured him I was fine, even telling him that I'd held my eye open this entire time without discomfort, hoping that little victory would loosen him up enough to talk to me._

_With another heavy exhale, he said, "Remember, this will sound worse than it is but with the trauma you've suffered, you had a slight buildup of blood in your eye." I gasped and his hand found my shoulder. "I know it sounds horrible but…"_

"_Get the fuck out of my way!" James shouted outside my door._

"_Excuse me for one second, Bella." He sounded pissed._

_The bed shifted as he stood up but dipped on the other side and a smaller hand found my shoulder._

"_Cover your eyes," the nurse said quickly._

_My hands shot up just in time to hear Dr. Morgan growl. "Mr. Denton."_

_His voice was muffled when the door closed behind him._

"_What was that?"_

"_Dr. Morgan didn't want any interruptions while he removed your bandages, so he called for security to be posted at your door."_

"_Please say you're kidding?" I asked, shocked that he would do something like that._

"_No I'm not," she said seriously. "You were brought in here with some pretty serious injuries, Isabella, and we're not taking any chances."_

_I could have told her it wasn't necessary, that James would never lay a finger on me here. It would be a different story when we got back home, but I was safe here. If I was being truly honest, I knew I wouldn't have anything to worry about for at least a few weeks._

_When James and I would fight, we would yell at each other, I would end up hurt and then he would be the sweetest man on earth for a while. He would treat me like I was the most precious person in the world and those were some of the saddest times in my life. All it did was remind me of what we used to have and who we used to be together._

_But I would never tell her any of that. The argument it would cause didn't seem worth it. So, I gave her what she probably wanted._

"_Thank you." I left it at that._

_We talked for a few more minutes before a light knock stopped us. I covered my eyes before she could ask me to do so and then told her she could let Dr. Morgan back in. I heard the door open and close again before he situated himself back on my bed._

"_Sorry about that."_

"_It's okay," I accepted his apology. Not wanting to talk about what just happened, I changed the subject. "I'm ready to try again."_

"_Are you sure?"_

_I'd had my eyes open since we had tried the first time and I was more comfortable than I had been before. I also knew what to expect this time so, burn or not, I was ready for it and I would get past this._

"_Yes." I left no doubt._

_He made sure the nurse was ready while I took a breath and prepared myself for the burn I knew I was coming. With a squeeze to my shoulder, he asked the nurse to open the curtain._

_My eye closed automatically as the light came in but I opened it slowly. The burn didn't shock me this time, it was more uncomfortable than anything else and I was able to open my eye fully. I blinked a lot as the curtain was opened wider and I squinted a bit when it was finally opened all the way._

_Everything was a little out of focus, but I could still see out of my left eye so I was okay. After a few more minutes, Dr. Morgan – still with a huge smile – spoke._

"_You still okay?" I whispered a yes. "Do you want to close the curtains again? Maybe try the overhead light this time?"_

_With a small smile of my own, I shook my head. "No. I'm okay."_

"_Great. Just make sure to tell me if it gets to be too much for you and we'll close them right away."_

_I nodded again. "Will you show me now?" I asked, reopening the subject we left hanging when James interrupted. "Show me what happened to my eye?"_

_His face fell a little but he covered it with another quick smile. "Sure," he said as he grabbed a folder off the table by my bed. _

_My eye was beginning to itch and I was still blinking furiously as he pulled out some photos. Without thinking, I reached up to rub my eye. It was the nurse who grabbed my wrist to stop me._

"_Stop!" My head whipped in her direction. "You need to be careful, Isabella. No rubbing your eyes."_

"_But it itches." I was squinting more as the itch was becoming unbearable._

"_We have some drops for you that will take care of that," Dr. Morgan said as the nurse pulled a small bottle out of her pocket. "Remember you have them because it is absolutely crucial that you don't irritate your eye in any way."_

_I agreed and she handed me the bottle, showing me exactly where to apply the drops when I needed them. Three drops stung my eye a little but the relief came soon after and I sighed, blinking a few times to spread the liquid. I lifted my head back up and smiled._

"_Better?" Dr. Morgan's bright smile was back._

"_Definitely."_

"_Are you still okay?" He motioned toward the window._

_My eye still burned, but I was ready to continue. "Yes. What do you have to show me?" I asked, getting right to the point._

_With a quick exhale, he got right down to business. "We call it Hyphema, a buildup of blood in the anterior, or front, chamber of the eye. Sometimes it can give the eye a reddish tint and others, like in your case, it presents itself as a small pool of blood at the bottom of the iris like this." He turned one of the pictures to show me. _

_My stomach rolled and its contents were on the floor as I hung over the rail. Tears poured down my cheeks as I broke down. The physical and emotional pain was too much to take and my teeth sunk into my hand, trying to muffle my scream as I gripped the rail._

_I knew something was seriously wrong when they left the bandages on for three days but I had never expected that. That grotesque picture stuck in my head as I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the world. But it didn't work, all I saw were the red splotches – broken blood vessels, I knew those well – in the white part of the eye and the sickening deep red pool of blood that covered the brown from the bottom almost to the pupil. It was awful, just thinking about it had me shaking uncontrollably._

_A pair of arms tightened around me and Dr. Morgan whispered soothing words to me. I clung to him, needing his strength to help calm me down. I didn't know how long he held me but when I opened my eyes again, the room had gotten a bit darker as the sun began to set._

"_I'm sorry, Bella," he said when I finally pulled away. "I know you weren't expecting that but…"_

"_That's my picture isn't it?" I whispered, my eyes focused on his chest._

_My voice was so soft he shouldn't have heard me, but he did and the question hung ominously around us like a black veil. I prayed that it wasn't true but every second of silence between us solidified my fear. Lifting my eyes to meet his, my heart sank. I had my answer._

"_I know what you must be thinking but I do have a bit of good news."_

_How could there possibly be any good news?_

_He touched a handkerchief to my cheeks. "These types of injuries have four classifications which we use when determining the severity of the damage. I am happy to say that yours was determined to be a grade one injury, meaning it was the least severe and was easily operable. The blood's been drained and I have no reason to believe you will have any lasting effects from this." The corner of his mouth tipped up in a small smile. "As bad as it looked, if you follow our instructions and take the proper care at home, you'll be just fine."_

"_I want to see."_

_He lost the smile. "Bella, I don't think that's…"_

"_I want to see!" I cut him off. _

"_You really should…"_

"_Do you think I can't feel it? Do you really think I don't know what I look like? How swollen and bruised I am?" I lifted my arms, pointing to the near black bruises covering my skin. "I've seen it all before. You're not protecting me from anything." A few more tears slid down my cheeks. "I want to see. I have to know."_

_Looking resigned, he dropped his head, blew out a frustrated breath and stood. He smoothed his slacks and turned, holding out a hand to me. _

"_Care to take a walk with me?"_

"_A walk?" Was he serious?_

"_If it's what you want, I'll show you." He looked sad. "Besides, it's time you got out of that bed." He tried for a smile but failed._

"_Thank you," I whispered as I took his hand._

_I hadn't been out of bed in three days and my legs were shaky as I stood. Luckily, Dr. Morgan was there to steady me as I regained my bearings. Gaining a little confidence with my first couple steps, he was able to loosen his grip, holding my right hand in his and guiding me forward with his left hand on my back. Fifteen tiny steps later, we stepped through the doorway into the bathroom._

"_Bella," his somber voice was ominous in the dark room, "I'm not speaking to you now as your doctor, but as someone who is very concerned about you." His hand squeezed mine. "I've studied your medical history and I know just how many times you've been through this. But I have to warn you," he cleared his throat, "this time it was worse, so much worse than before."_

_For him to show this much concern had me worrying about what I would see. For a second, I wished I were still in bed, not standing in here waiting to see what condition James had left me in this time._

"_The bruising is severe, covering your face, torso and legs," he said. "You've already seen you're arms so you may be better prepared for what you're about to see. But, Bella, I really do not believe you're fully ready for this. Give it a few days. Let yourself heal a little more before you…"_

"_Dr. Morgan, please." I stopped him. "I have to do this for my own peace of mind." He started to say something but I spoke over him. "I know that doesn't make sense to you but the reality of what I look like has to be better than what my imagination has conjured up." The pressure in my chest had me breathing a little heavier. "I'm scared to death, Doctor. I would be an idiot not to be, but knowing the truth will help me more than anything."  
_

"_The fact that you can be so logical about this means that this happens way more often than it should, Bella." He released another deep breath. "But if you're certain," he flipped the light switch, "who am I to stop you."_

_My eyes clenched shut with the intrusion of light and a part of me was thankful because as sure as I was about looking in the mirror, I was still terrified to do so._

Open your eyes._ My mind ordered._

_They didn't move. _

You've seen this before._ I tried reason._

_They stayed closed._

You're stronger than this._ My inner voice asserted._

_Nothing._

Don't let him win, Bella.

_The first sliver of light burned but I fought through the pain, slowly lifting my eyelids until I could see everything around me. I found Dr. Morgan first, wanting his reassurance. Unfortunately, the grim look on his face didn't give me what I needed. I tried to smile, hoping to show him my strength but it was no use. I couldn't force my lips to move. Completely defeated, I dropped my eyes and turned toward the mirror._

_I felt another squeeze on my hand when I lifted my eyes and gasped. Both hands flew to my mouth, stifling my scream and tears fell instantly as I turned my face into Dr. Morgan's chest._

_For the first time since all this began, the horror I imagined was so much better than the face in the mirror. I expected the cuts and bruises, and I expected some swelling. What I didn't expect was a complete disfiguration of my face._

_The right side was three times its normal size, the left wasn't quite as bad, only swollen from the middle of my cheek to my hairline, and the swelling in my lips made my face look lopsided. The few minor cuts that had been left uncovered were still an angry red against the black bruises covering my entire face._

_My heart was racing and my breathing ragged, I lost all composure. I knew I had to be stronger than this. I knew I still had to face that mirror to see what I'd wanted to when I first walked in here. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't tear myself away from Dr. Morgan's embrace. He was the comfort I needed when I lost all strength._

_I let him hold me while I cried, drawing strength from every soothing word, every stroke of my hair, every squeeze of his arm. When I finally had enough to stand up straight again, I whispered my thanks and turned back to the mirror._

_Ignoring everything I'd seen the first time, I leaned forward, focusing solely on my eyes. One red splotch in my left eye from a broken blood vessel and some redness but it wasn't too bad. The right was completely red, far worse than the picture showed, but at least that sickening pool of blood was gone just as he told me it was._

"_It'll heal, right?" I asked, pulling the skin a little to expose more of my eye._

"_Yes," was all he said._

"_That's all I can hope for." With a deep breath, I pulled myself together and turned back to him. "Will you help me back to bed?"_

"_Of course."_

_Offering the same support as before, he led me back to bed. Once I was settled, I complained a little about the angle of my bed but he reminded me that the forty-five degree angle was a necessary part of my care for the next couple of weeks to keep the blood from collecting in my eye again. Grudgingly, I agreed and snuggled under the blankets._

"_Bella, are you…?"_

"_Can I ask you something?" I interrupted him._

_His mouth closed on and a corner of his lips turned up. "Sure."_

"_Why have you been here all day?"_

"_What?" He looked confused. "You're my patient, Bella. It's my job to…"_

"_That's not what I meant. You've been here for the past," I looked around for a clock but didn't find one, "well, I don't know how long exactly, but I'm guessing it's been hours. You have other patients. So, how can you spend so much time with me? Don't you have rounds or something? Charts you have to look at?"_

_He chuckled. "There _are_ other doctors that work here." I glared at him and he laughed again. "Today was my day off but when Nurse Stevens called and told me you were awake, I jumped in the car and came right away."_

"_Why?"_

_His face fell slightly. "I was here the night they brought you in. We had already been informed that there would be a couple of accident victims coming in and when they wheeled you through the doors, I assumed you were one of them. That was until the EMT told me what really happened. I couldn't, in good conscience, pass you off to someone else."_

_That confused me. "Why me? Why would you do something like that?"_

_His expression changed and if I didn't know any better, I would say he was the one ready to cry._

"_That's very…"  
_

"_Personal." I finished his sentence. "Oh god, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."_

"_No. It's okay, really."_

"_No, it's not and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry. Whatever your reasons, I'm glad you're the one to help me."_

_He smiled. "It's the least I could do." He patted my hand. "You've had a long day. You should get some rest."_

_He was right. Everything I'd learned today had taken its toll and I'd felt the relief the instant I laid down._

"_Thank you for everything today."_

"_Are you feeling better after everything you've…seen?" he asked apprehensively._

_I smiled a little. "As crazy as this sounds, I think I am."_

"_Then that's all the thanks I need." He wrote a few quick notes in my chart before hanging it back on the end of my bed. "Get some rest, now. I'll be back to check on you before I head home."_

"_Thank you, Dr. Morgan," I said as he turned to leave. "Oh wait, can you do me a favor?"_

_He turned to face me. "What would you like?"_

"_I noticed the floor had been cleaned while we were…" I motioned to the bathroom door. "Can you find out who did it and apologize for me? Tell them thank you and that they won't have to do that again? Not for me anyway," I added._

"_That's a custodian's job, Bella."_

"_I know that but I don't have to make things worse for them."_

_He shook his head. "Do you always worry so much about other people?" _

_I shrugged, wincing at the pull to my ribs._

"_I'm not saying it's a bad thing, and forgive me if I'm overstepping my bounds, but maybe, you should start putting yourself first. You're a wonderful young woman, Bella, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but once you walk out those doors, I _don't_ want to see you again."_

"_I'm that bad, huh," I teased him._

"_Worst patient I've ever had," he teased right back and then grinned. "Get some sleep. I'll be back before you know it."_

_My eyes closed as soon as he was gone and my entire body relaxed. I was on the edge of consciousness when I felt a hand grab mine. Ignoring it, I let myself fall asleep._

_~oOo~_

"_Stop!" The breathless scream came as I jerked upright, gasping for air._

_The dream was awful, taking me back to the night James hurt me. Thankfully, I'd woken up before I could relive the entire night._

"_Shh, it's okay, Sweetheart. You're okay."_

"_James." _

_I jumped as the light over my head turned on._

"_I'm here, babe."_

"_What are you doing here?"_

"_I couldn't stand to be away from you any longer. I've missed you all day. So, I came in shortly after the doctor left."_

"_You shouldn't be here."_

"_Where else would I be? I wouldn't leave you to go through this alone, Sweetheart."_

_That statement had me fully awake. "Are you serious?"_

"_Of course, Darling. I know how much you hate hospitals. I would never leave you alone here."_

_There was no way he just said that to me. _

"_You know how much I hate hospitals." I repeated his words._

_I couldn't believe his nerve. His concern had nothing to do with my dislike for hospitals. I knew why he was here. Why he was hanging around. Why he didn't want me alone with the doctor. He was going to make sure I didn't talk. As if I ever would._

"_You did not just say that to me." I pulled my hand away from him._

"_Babe, what's wrong?" _

_The clueless look on his face pissed me off and I thought about Dr. Morgan's last words. I needed to start putting myself first. I might not have been able leave him, but I was done rolling over for him.  
_

"_Don't 'babe' me. I wouldn't be in this hospital if it wasn't for you." He back went rigid as he sat up. _

"_Bella…"_

"_Shut up." I cut him off. "Do you know or even care that I could have lost my sight."_

"_You're eyes are fine, Bella." His tone was dismissive._

"_And my face? Are you going to tell me that's fine too?"_

"_You're beautiful, Bella. You always will be."_

"_You think that's the point?" I yelled. "You're not the one who looks like a monster. You're not the one who has to hide from the world. You get to go on like nothing ever happened. I'm the one who has to deal with this._

"_I don't even know why I'm surprised. You don't care. Nothing ever happens to you." He tried to interrupt, but I wasn't done. "Tell me, James, how long did you spend in jail this time? An hour? Two? Tell me, how much did you have to pay to be sitting here right now?"_

_His eyes narrowed to slits. "You better watch what you say, Bella."_

"_Or what? What are you gonna do, James?" I challenged him. "You gonna hit me again? Do it." I dared him. "You can't make this worse."_

"_That's enough, Bella." He spoke in an angry, hushed whisper._

"_Oh right, I forgot. No one can know the truth, right. Don't worry, James. I haven't forgotten the rules. They just don't mean much to me right now."_

_I'd had enough of him and I just wanted him gone._

"_And I don't care what you do to me later but right now, I want you gone. Get away from me. Get away from my bed. Get out of my room. And if I _feel like_ seeing you again, you can come back."_

_He laughed. "I think I like it when you act tough."_

"_Get out, James." I put as much force into my words as I could._

_Fire sparked in his eyes and I fought the urge to shrink away from him as he moved from the chair to the edge of my bed. He grabbed my hand in one of his while his other lifted to caress my cheek. I jerked away from his touch, hissing again at the pull on my ribs. The move didn't faze him and his hand found my cheek again._

"_Bella," his voice was so sweet and it scared the hell out of me, "Sweetheart, you know I hate to repeat myself but you've been through a lot so I'll make this one exception."_

_He leaned in to lightly kiss my forehead. When he pulled back, his eyes locked onto mine and I saw the anger he was trying to hide. So slowly, my empty hand searched for the call button. _

_I knew no one would answer if I pushed it, but I didn't need them to. Earlier, when Dr. Morgan had left to deal with an irate James, Nurse Stevens had offered me a small assurance, telling me that all I needed to do was push the button and someone would come running._

"_You're mine, Bella, and I'll be here with you every day. Nothing you ever say or do will change that." His lips touched mine gently, pulling away just enough to speak. "I love you, Bella," he whispered, "and I won't leave you. Ever."_

_A shiver ran through me and my thumb hit the button._

"_Not today, Sweetheart," I growled at him. "Now get out!" I yelled and pushed against his chest._

_He grabbed my wrist and I struggled against him, screaming over and over again for him to get away from me._

_That pain shot through my head again and I lost my fight against him just as the door burst open. A security guard rushed in with Nurse Stevens on his heels. James was off my bed the second they ran in, arguing with guard. _

_My eyes closed against the pain, one arm cradling my head as I reached for the button taped to the rail. Three quick pushes and I buried my face in the pillow to drown out the scene at the foot of my bed. I heard James threaten to come back, but as the darkness closed in, I heard Nurse Stevens' voice._

"_Over my dead body."_

_~oOo~_

_I was home, miraculously healed, when James cornered me. He was going to make me pay for my behavior in the hospital. And pay I did. His punishment for kicking him out of my room was brutal. I was on the floor, helpless and only able to watch as his blood-covered fist came down for one more blow. _

_My eyes opened to darkness and my body jerked upright as I waved frantically in front of my face to stop James before he hit me again. It only took a minute to remember where I was and that he wasn't really there. My hands dropped to my chest as I panted heavily, trying to catch my breath from both the pain in my ribs and a far too vivid dream._

_Laying back and breathing deeply, I listened as the beeping on the heart monitor slowed. My eyes closed again and, oddly enough, the sound calmed me further and I was able to relax. Just on the edge of sleep, I was startled awake as someone called my name._

"_Isabella?"_

_I turned my head quickly to see the silhouette of a woman standing in the doorway. It was the middle of the night and I didn't know her. She took a step into my room and I shrunk back into the mattress, trying to get as far from this stranger as possible._

"_Please," she held up a hand, "I'm just here to talk."_

"_Who are you?" My voice was hoarse._

_She took another few steps but with the darkness of the room, I still couldn't see her face. My heart monitor betrayed me, speeding up again and showing my fear before she spoke again._

"_Please don't be afraid. My name is Charlotte. I'm from the women's shelter." She grabbed the chair a few feet from my bed. "I'm here to help you."_

"_Women's shelter?"_

_She reached up and pulled the cord on the small light above my head, my eyes squeezed shut against the brightness. When I was able to open them again, they met with her sad smile._

"_I know it may be somewhat unprofessional but a very good friend of mine called me and told me about you. She-"_

"_Unprofessional?" I cut her off, angrily. "Try illegal, lady. Now get the hell out-"_

_My throat burned and I lost my breath. Shifting my position, I sucked in a breath as my ribs protested the movement._

_Her hand covered mine. "Lie still, please, Isabella."_

_I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "You need to go," I whispered, hoping not to aggravate the burning in my throat. "If he finds you here…" My sentence trailed off._

"_Isabella," her voice was soft as she squeezed my hand, "I'm sorry if you think I'm intruding, but you can't stay with him. Things will just get worse if you stay."_

"_You don't know anything," I paused to breathe, "about my life."_

_She pulled her hand away. "I know you've seen the inside of this hospital more than anyone ever should."_

"_That's my problem, not yours," I rasped._

"_Maybe not, but, Isabella, you have to think about yourself." Her voice was soft and caring but she didn't know what she was asking. "If you don't leave, he'll kill you."_

Better me than anyone else.

_She'd ask too many questions if I said that out loud, so I gave her the simplest answer I could. "I know."_

"_And yet you stay." She looked at me sadly. I shrugged. "Isabella, think about your family. Do you think they'd agree with your choice?"_

"_I know they don't."_

"_Their opinions don't matter." She phrased it like a question._

"_Not about this."_

_I shifted again and grabbed my head when that shooting pain hit me again. I'd been suffering from the pains since I'd woken up yesterday afternoon but I had dealt with them. It wasn't until I was hit with the pain a couple of hours ago while a nurse was in my room that they alerted the doctor on call. He ordered some tests and was waiting for the results to come in._

_Charlotte's hand was on mine again, holding my head. I felt the bed dip as she sat down._

"_Isabella, please reconsider," she spoke softly. _

"_I'm not leaving him."_

_Leaving James wasn't an option. He'd already done enough damage to my family when he attacked Emily. I hadn't even been gone a day that time. I couldn't begin to imagine what he'd do to any of them if I left again._

"_I can help you. I can help you get away from him and he'd never find you."_

"_He always finds me," I mumbled._

"_He won't, Isabella." Her hand left mine and a finger touched under my chin as she lifted my head to look me in the eye. "I can send you far away from here."_

"_How? And what about my family?" I asked, worried about what James would do to them if I left. "What if he went after them to get back at me?"_

_I asked the question as a 'what if' because I couldn't tell her that he'd already done that. I knew I really would be dead if that little secret ever came out._

"_Is that a possibility?" I didn't answer and a tiny frown settled on her lips. She knew. "We have ways of taking care of them too."_

_There was no way she was saying what I thought she was saying. If she was and Jake, Leah, Emily and Sam could all come with me if I left, I would be gone the second I was released from the hospital._

"_They could come with me?" I had to ask._

_By the way her eyes suddenly fell, I knew I'd misunderstood._

"_Never mind, forget I asked." _

"_I'm not saying it's impossible, Isabella. It's just harder to place an entire family than it is one person."_

"_But it could be done?" I couldn't keep the hope out of my voice._

_She gave me another sad smile. "It's possible."_

_Taking a few more breaths, I realized that was the only answer I was going to get from her. Unless she could give me something more definite, it wasn't an option I was willing to consider._

_Knowing there was nothing left to talk about, I struggled to roll to my side and away from her. That simple act alone had me sucking in air through gritted teeth but I knew she wouldn't leave if she believed I was still willing to talk._

"_You can go now." I dismissed her as I held my ribs and panted for air._

"_So, will you let me help you?" I didn't answer. "Isabella, please, this is your life…"_

"_I told you," I cut her off, "you don't know anything about my life. Now go before he finds out you were here."_

_The beeping of the heart monitor was the only sound in the room as the light above my head went off and Charlotte left._

* * *

**Bella went through hell in this chapter but she survived it. Thankfully, Charlotte is there to save her, not only from James but also from herself and the dangerous decisions she's making in her life. **

**Let me apologize for the lack of updates. I don't always get them out as fast as I want to, but I am working hard to make sure I don't leave you hanging for too long. I love all of you that have stuck with me so far; it means more to me than you will ever know. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	24. The Last Straw

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH because, without them, I'd be a neurotic mess. I love you both so much.**

* * *

**Previously…**

"_So, will you let me help you?" I didn't answer. "Isabella, please, this is your life…"_

"_I told you," I cut her off, "you don't know anything about my life. Now go before he finds out you were here."_

_The beeping of the heart monitor was the only sound in the room as the light above my head went off and Charlotte left._

* * *

**Chapter 24 – The Last Straw**

**February 23, 2010**

"Charlotte was the one who helped you get away, wasn't she?"

I nodded from my perch inside Carlisle's protective embrace. I didn't know at what point in my story he had pulled me into his lap, but it didn't matter. I rested against his chest, feeling safer than I had since _he_ left me.

"You're going to have to introduce me to her someday."

I shifted so I could see his face, not shocked at all seeing his glistening eyes. "Why?"

"She saved your life." His arms tightened. "If it wasn't for her, we wouldn't be here right now. I have to thank her for that."

He had to be crazy. "You do realize we're sitting on a dingy floor in the middle of a prison conference room. 'Thank you' might not be the right sentiment," I teased him.

He laughed and I reached up to wipe the few tears that slid down his cheeks.

"I guess I'll have to wait until you're home." He trailed one finger from my cheek to my chin. "Home and finally safe."

"I've been running for so long, I don't think I'd even know what to do with myself."

"I have a few ideas." He smirked.

"Counselor," I feigned shock, "are you saying that we should…?"

He wiggled his eyebrows. "I think you know what I'm saying."

I hit his arm and slid off his lap. "You're ridiculous."

Neither of us could control our laughter. I'd never seen him playful like this before. He was always so serious and it was nice to see another side of him.

I felt myself letting go a little too far and had to reign my emotions back in. I still wasn't done yet. There was still more he needed to know. Taking a few calming breaths, I grabbed his hand and brought our conversation back to where it needed to be before I lost my nerve.

"Charlotte didn't just save me when she helped me get away. She did what even she doubted could be done and she saved all five of us."

"How did that even happen?" I hesitated. "Bella?"

"I'll only tell you if you swear to me to keep her out of this."

"Bella, I…"

"No!" I stopped him when he looked ready to argue. "I didn't want Jake and Emily to be a part of this, but you pulled them in anyway. I won't let you do that to Charlotte. She means too much to so many women and you'll put each one of them in danger if you…"

A finger gently touched my lips. "I swear, Bella." He pulled his hand away. "I know I went behind your back to find your friends and I'm so sorry for that. I won't make that mistake again, I promise."

"I want to trust you."

"Then do." He linked our fingers together. "We're in this together, remember?" I nodded. "So, tell me, how did she get back in when you told her that you didn't want her help?"

"Well, it didn't take me long to figure out that Charlotte wasn't the type to take no for an answer." His brow furrowed so I explained. "When she left my room that first night, I really had no intention of talking to her or even considering her offer, but that didn't stop her from showing up again the next night and the next." I rolled my eyes, remembering Charlotte's persistence. "Every night at exactly eleven forty-five there was a knock at my door and she would come right in.

"The first couple of nights, I didn't want to talk to her. I mean, what could I really say to her that wouldn't get me into trouble with James? So, I just sat and listened. She told me about her life and the troubles she went through with her husband. She had great people who helped her find the courage to leave him and when she realized there were so many other women out there like her, she wanted to help.

"She went back to school, worked as a social worker for a while but there were so many rules and laws tying her hands that she felt helpless. She watched more women get hurt because the system didn't do enough to help them. When she had to watch a friend die and later watch her husband get off on a technicality, it was too much for her.

"She found a couple of the women that had helped her in the beginning and the three of them started the shelter."

"Isn't it hard to start up a shelter?" Carlisle asked. "It's not like you can advertise a place like that."

"Because of her work in the domestic violence advocate's office, Charlotte had a ton of contacts that were just as fed up with the system as she was. They jumped at the chance to refer their clients to them. Not all of them took their help, of course, but they never turned anyone away.

"Between the three of them, they had two different homes set up that could accommodate fifteen women at a time. That number obviously went down if they had a family that needed help, but they always made it work."

"So how did they help these women leave their husbands or boyfriends and get back on their feet again?" Carlisle asked. "I'm assuming they had jobs and lives they couldn't walk away from."

"That kind of abusive relationship tears you down and you don't believe in yourself any more. They make you believe you're worthless, you're nothing and you couldn't live your life without them. Most of the women there just needed to find their self-confidence again and the courage it would take to be alone. They learned to live on their own and when they could stand on their feet again, they moved on, though always with a promise to reach out if they ever needed it.

"In cases like mine…" I trailed off, taking a deep breath.

"Hey," Carlisle squeezed my hand and smiled, "it's okay if you don't want to talk about it."

"I'm fine." I shook my head and smiled back. "Really," I added when he didn't look convinced. "Besides, I promised you everything, remember?"

"As long as you're okay talking about it, Bella."

Looking at him now, I saw the same kindness that I'd seen every day since he walked into my life. It was that look that always gave me the strength I needed to get through anything. I was definitely going to need that as I told him about Jake.

"In extreme cases like mine, Charlotte created a whole new life for us. She planned everything, a new identity, a place to live, even a small bank account to get us back on our feet again." I laughed. "The secrecy of it all reminded me of the witness protection program. But it was worth it."

I stopped for a minute, centering myself to tell Carlisle the last story of my life with James before I walked away for good.

"Charlotte and I kept in contact after I left the hospital. She was actually keeping me sane."

"And that means…?"

I blew out a deep breath. "Spending a week in the hospital with nothing to do but think wasn't a good thing for me. Every argument and fight we'd ever had, every cut and bruise I'd ever suffered at his hand went through my mind. Every time I slept, Emily was in my dreams, accusing me of ruining her life. I couldn't take it and started thinking of ways to…"

"To what, Bella?" he asked when I didn't finish.

My eyes focused on our hands. "I… I wanted to…"

No. I couldn't tell him.

"Look at me, Bella."

I heard the concern but shook my head. What would he think of me? Carlisle had this vision of me in his head and I didn't want to shatter that. A finger touched under my chin, lifting my head.

"You can tell me anything, Bella. You know that, right."

I closed my eyes. "I wanted to kill him."

The frantic beat of my heart increased with every second of silence that passed. He didn't say anything and I couldn't look at him, too ashamed of the truth. My eyes squeezed tight to hold back the tears that wanted to fall.

"Bella."

His voice was soft, with an understanding I didn't deserve. I pulled my hands from his, covering my face.

"I'm sorry, Carlisle. I'm so sorry. I just… He was just…"

I couldn't finish a single sentence, not knowing how to apologize for what I'd said.

"Look at me, Bella. You have nothing to be sorry for."

I shook my head childishly.

He tugged at my arms, pulling my hands away. "Look at me, please."

I shook my head again.

"Bella, please."

Tears fell the second my eyes opened, falling into my lap. Carlisle's hands were on my cheeks, lifting my head to meet his eyes.

"Bella, you can't be sorry for having those thoughts. As horrible as it sounds, it's only natural to think that way when someone is hurting you the way James hurt you."

"But that's just it," I spoke past the lump in my throat, "every time he beat me, I never once thought of hurting him."

He dropped his hands to hold mine. "When did…?"

"Things were good between us when he brought me home," I blurted out, cutting him off. "They always were…after. It started happening when we would go to bed. James would roll over and drape his arm over me and I'd flinch. I always did whenever he would touch me.

"When I would finally relax enough to sleep, I would wake up remembering the dreams of me stabbing him to death while he slept." I took a breath. "Visions would come to me while I was cooking dinner and he'd come home and kiss the back of my neck. I saw myself grab the pan I was using and beat him with it until he was dead.

"I was on the phone with Charlotte constantly, trying to get my head straight. She had to remind me over and over again that I couldn't touch him 'cause I would go to prison for sure." I let out a humorless laugh as tears ran down my face. "Sounds funny, right? She was so worried back then about me going to prison for killing James and look where I ended up."

I pushed Carlisle's hands away and dropped my eyes again.

"You know, I probably could have lived with it, dealt with the dreams and the urge to just… just… hurt him. I would have given him what he wanted and stayed with him forever if…"

My breathing picked up and it took Carlisle's hand grabbing mine again, holding it tightly to calm me back down.

"If?" he urged.

With one squeeze to his hand, I answered, "If Jake didn't get hurt. That was the last straw for me. That pushed me over the edge." I looked into Carlisle's eyes. "You saw him. That happened because of me and you have to know what that did to me."

"Tell me." His eyes pleaded with me. "I'm here for you, Bella. You don't have to carry this alone anymore."

"I would be lying if I said I wasn't happy and even felt a little vindicated, when I saw the black eye, bruises and band aids that covered James' face when he came to pick me up from the hospital. He had never told me who it was that beat him up so badly, but he didn't have to. I already knew.

"It took a couple weeks before Jake finally told me the truth and when he did, I wanted to hug him, kiss him, thank him for standing up for me, but I didn't. He had no idea what that fight would cost him. It nearly cost him his life but instead, it cost him everything he'd ever dreamed of, and the family he had always hoped for."

**~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~**

_**January 13, 2007**_

"_Are you sure you're okay, Bella?" Charlotte asked. _

"_Yeah." I blew out a deep breath. "I'm just getting ready for my day with the girls tomorrow. Why?"_

"_You don't sound like yourself tonight. James hasn't started with you already has he?"_

"_No. Believe it or not, things with James are good, better than it's ever been." Her groan carried through the phone, making me smile. "Don't worry, Charlotte. I have no delusions that this is a permanent thing. The way I figure it, with as bad as my injuries were this time, I have at least a few more weeks before he starts up again."_

"_God, Bella. Counting the days before your boyfriend beats you again is no way to live." She was frustrated. "Let me help you. Let me get you out of there, put you somewhere safe where he can't hurt you anymore."_

_It was my turn to groan. "How many more times are we going to go over this?"_

"_But Bella…"_

"_But nothing, Charlotte." I cut her off. "I already told you, I'm not leaving. I won't give him any more reason to hurt them than he already has. It's already bad enough that I haven't been allowed to see Jake since I've been home. If I leave, he'll be the first one James goes after."_

"_You don't know that, Bella."_

"_Now look who's having delusions?" I said sarcastically. "You know James isn't going to let the beating Jake gave him slide. He's biding his time, Charlotte. I'm sure of it. He's waiting for me to slip up, to not follow his rules and then he'll get back at me. But he'll go through Jake to do it." I shuddered at the thought._

_Emily had told me that Jake had gone completely crazy when he found out I was in the hospital again. First he blamed himself for not forcing me to stay with him that day and then he swore to make James pay for what he'd done._

_And he did, which was what scared me._

_James was a vindictive son of a bitch and when I had left the hospital, he flat out ordered me to never see Jake again. I had no choice but to give in because I knew exactly what he'd do if I broke his rules. He hated Jake so I knew he wouldn't just hurt him. He wouldn't stop until Jake was dead._

"_It's all or nothing, Charlotte. I won't leave without them."_

"_Please, Bella, can't you just let me…"_

"_Oh shit! James is home, I gotta go."_

"_Be safe, Bella."_

_I ended the call without saying goodbye and rushed to hide the phone before James caught me with it. Hurrying back to the desk, I picked up my pen just before James appeared, leaning against the doorframe._

_"Hey gorgeous."_

_The smile that greeted me was so genuine, so beautiful, so much like it used to be that I almost felt guilty for hating him so much. I would be lying if I said I didn't want our old life back. Back when we were happy and it really felt like he loved me. _

_But he ruined that._

_He took our love and turned it into something awful and something twisted that no longer resembled the fairy tale it started out to be. My life had turned into a nightmare and it was his fucking fault._

_I plastered a smile on my face. "Hey. How was your day?"_

"_With two new servers, things are a little hectic, but I don't want to talk about that." He pushed away from the door, gliding in to sit on the corner of the desk. "Go out with me tonight?"_

_His voice rose slightly at the end of his question as if he wasn't sure he should ask._

"_I have to get these done." It was the only way to say no without actually saying the word._

_His eyes flickered to the stack of papers in front of me and back again. His smile made another appearance._

"_Come on, babe. It's Friday," he said as if that was the only argument he'd need. "You can grade these anytime." He took the pen from my hand. "I want to take my beautiful girl out for a night on the town."_

_Of course he did. The bruises were almost gone and he didn't have to hide out with me any longer._

"_James, you know I'm spending most of my weekend with the girls shopping for the wedding," I reminded him. "I have to finish these papers tonight or I won't have them done by Monday."_

_A hint of anger sparked in his eyes but he hid it behind a strained smile._

"_Okay," he rolled his eyes, "just dinner then. Let me take you out, treat you to something nice before you come back here and lock yourself in this office for the rest of the night." Before I could protest, he added, "Ninety minutes tops, Bella. I miss my girl and just want to spend some time together. Just the two of us."_

_Now that he had practically forbidden me to hang out with my friends, when wasn't it just the two of us? This weekend was my first time out of the house – other than work – since I had left the hospital and I was looking forward to it more than I would ever admit to him. But if I knew James, I wouldn't be allowed tomorrow if I said no to him tonight. He'd find a way to keep me home. _

_With a sigh, I organized the papers in a neat little pile in the middle of the desk. "Okay. Give me thirty minutes to get ready."_

"_Babe, you don't have to."_

_Standing, I touched my lips to his. "Let me go make myself beautiful for you."_

"_Oh baby," his eyes sparkled, "you're always beautiful to me."_

_I bit my tongue, kissed his cheek and left the room before I said something that put me back in the hospital._

_~oOo~_

"_You really do look good, B," Leah said as we walked into the bridal shop._

_Both she and Emily had been giving me sideways glances since we met up for breakfast a couple of hours ago. They were both tiptoeing around the subject and I was surprised it was shy, reserved Leah that brought it up first._

_I gave her a tiny smile. "Thanks. Just a little extra makeup and it's all good."_

_She mumbled something under her breath that I didn't catch and I was glad I didn't. I hadn't seen the girls in a while and I didn't want to spend my whole weekend talking about James. Just the mention of his name put a strain on our relationship that I didn't want to deal with right now._

_Emily grabbed our hands, diffusing the tension. "Come on, let's look at some dresses."_

_The smile on Leah's face as Emily dragged us to the back couldn't be matched, which made me happy. I was so glad that she and Jake were finally taking this step. If anyone deserved this much happiness, it was them._

"_Hello, how may I help you?" The sales consultant smiled as she stood from her desk._

"_We have an appointment with Maggie," Emily told her._

"_Well, that's me." She was way too perky for eleven o'clock in the morning. "So, who is my bride?"_

_We both turned to Leah and smiled as she quietly introduced herself. Maggie looked her up and down and her grin widened._

"_Oh sweetheart, I have the perfect dresses for you." She grabbed Leah's hand and tucked it into the crook of her arm. "Let's go take a look, shall we?"_

_Maggie dragged Leah away as Emily and I looked at each other and laughed. Emily hooked her arm with mine as we followed after them. We listened as Maggie asked Leah question after question about her style and preference, whether she wanted strapless or a halter, beads or sequins. I watched Leah get more and more nervous. This was not her thing; it was what she had us for._

_Emily and I both stepped in to save her, answering the questions Leah didn't. With each new answer, Maggie selected a new dress and placed it on the portable rack that she rolled behind her. Thirty minutes and twelve dresses later, she was ready to take Leah to the fitting rooms._

_A second sales associate offered us a glass of wine the instant we sat down on one of the two large, plush couches that filled the room. Still a little early for us, we declined and asked for water instead. The attendant left us to get two glasses of water and we talked while we waited for Leah to emerge from the fitting room in her first dress._

"_I'm so glad you were able to make it today," Emily said quietly._

"_I wouldn't have missed it."_

_She cocked an eyebrow at me._

"_What?" I snapped, instantly on the defensive. "Did you think I _wouldn't _be here for Leah?"_

"_I didn't say that."_

"_You didn't have to."_

"_It's just that…" She hesitated, staring at the floor._

"_Spit it out, Em."_

"_It's just… well… you haven't been around since you've been home. It's like we don't matter that much to you anymore."_

_The comment sliced right through my heart. My eyes scanned her face and neck, tracing the path of the scars as they dipped into the neckline of her shirt. I wished she knew. I wished I could tell her that every day I stayed away was another day they were safe._

"_Emily…"_

"_Jake's gone out of his mind worrying about you. Sam is ready to storm through your front door and yank you out of there and all you can give them is a phone call. You don't come to see us anymore and, because all you do is call, we never know whether you're telling us the whole truth or not."_

_Her words were like a slap in the face. "How can you say that?"_

"_Really, Bella? You're not you anymore. You've been lying to us since you moved into that house. How can we trust…?"_

_Leah's appearance stopped her from finishing her sentence. It wasn't necessary though, I knew exactly what she was going to say. None of them trusted me anymore. To them, every word out of my mouth was a lie and that realization hurt me worse than anything James had ever done to me._

_Turning my attention to Leah, I watched through tear-filled eyes as one of my best friends in the whole world glowed with happiness while my world crumbled around me. Luckily, I'd gotten good at hiding it and blinked away the tears quickly._

"_You're so beautiful, Le."_

"_You think so." She scrunched up her face while looking at herself in the mirror._

_Leah did a couple of turns then stopped and looked over her shoulder to examine the back of the dress. First one side and then the other before focusing back on us._

"_You don't like it." Emily said the words before Leah could. _

_She shook her head. "The beading is a little too much, don't you think?" She twisted again to look at the back of the dress. "And it makes my butt look big."_

_Emily and I looked at each other and erupted into laughter with Leah joining us a few seconds later. I was clutching my side when Emily calmed down enough to ask for the next dress. Thankfully the interruption dissolved the tension between us and Emily and I were able to fall back into a comfortable conversation again. _

_For the next two hours, Leah walked in and out of the fitting room displaying dress after dress but nothing seemed right. Maggie had already gone back to the racks several times to pull six more that she believed would be perfect, but she was wrong._

_By the end of the third hour, my patience had worn thin and I went to the racks myself to hunt for something that screamed 'Leah.' I searched rack after rack, dress after dress but still found nothing. I pushed through the racks with more force than before and finally, on the fourth row of dresses, found the one. She would love it._

_After getting Emily's approval, I rushed back to the fitting rooms and knocked on the door. Maggie peeked out and smiled._

"_I found it." _

_Her smile faltered a little as she eyed the dress. It was nothing like any of the dresses she'd chosen. _

"_Le," I shouted past Maggie, "I've got it. This is the one. Take off whatever you have on now."_

"_I know that voice, Maggie." Maggie turned her head to Leah's echoing voice. "She won't stop until I try it on."_

_Turning back to me with another smile, she held out her hand for the dress. "Thank you, Bella."_

_She closed herself in and I returned to the couch where Emily waited._

"_It's the one, I know it," I assured her._

"_I think so, too," Emily agreed. "It'll be perfect."_

_Twenty minutes later, Leah peered around the corner with tears in her eyes and before I knew what hit me, she had her arms wrapped around my neck._

"_Thank you, Bella," she whispered. "This is so perfect."_

_Her hug caught me off guard and I had to take a few seconds to catch my breath. My ribs weren't completely healed and any sudden movement or hard hit hurt enough to make me gasp for air._

"_Oh God, I'm sorry." She pulled away quickly. "I forgot, Bella. I'm sorry."_

_With a deep breath, I answered, "It's okay, Le. I'm glad you like it."_

"_No, no, no, there are no words. It's so me and Jake will love it."_

"_Well," Emily interrupted, "let's see it."_

_Leah stood on the platform in front us, a mile-wide smile stretching across her face. The dress was a simple, floor length gown, no beading or extra embellishments, just a small braided rope circling the material just under her bustline. Knowing how self-conscious she was about her body, the square cut neckline was modest enough to not show too much skin. The sleeves were a sheer material that opened up at the elbow and hung almost the full length of the dress. The dress was fitting of a fairy princess instead of the Indian goddess wearing it now._

_Emily grabbed my hand while her other covered her mouth. "It's so beautiful," she mumbled with her own tears in her eyes._

"_Oh honey, you're gorgeous. Jake's heart is going to stop the second he sees you."_

"_This really is it." Leah turned to look in the mirror, her eyes misting over again. "I'm getting married."_

_We had her wrapped in our arms before her first tear could fall. I placed a kiss on one cheek and Emily kissed the other as the three of us faced the mirror._

"_You're getting married, my sweet cousin," Emily said tenderly, "to one of the best men on the face of this earth and all your dreams are going to come true."_

"_I love you both." Leah stepped out of our embrace and turned to hug us each in turn. "Thank you for being here with me."_

"_We wouldn't be anywhere else," I assured her for both of us._

_Emily and I sat and went over more wedding details while we waited for Leah to change. She came around the corner whispering I love you's into the phone and I knew she was talking to Jake. A pain hit me right in the chest as I thought of my little brother. If I wasn't so afraid of James' reaction to him, I would have never made the deal I did because a phone conversation wasn't enough. I missed my little brother and I just wanted to see him once._

"_Come on." Leah pulled me from the couch. "Let's go eat."_

_I followed them the five blocks to the restaurant, parking a few spaces from them once we entered the parking lot. I locked up the car and made my way to their car when I stopped dead in my tracks._

_My eyes opened and closed a few times and I even pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming but no, he was there. And before I could make my feet move, my little brother closed the distance between us and scooped me up in his arms. My ribs protested his grip but I didn't care how much it hurt. My brother was here with me after almost a month long separation. He could hold me as tight as he wanted._

"_God, Bells, I missed you so much." He spoke the muffled words into my neck._

_I held on as tight as I could. "Oh Jake," was all I could say as tears poured down my cheeks. "How…?"_

"_Leah told me. I've been waiting across the street." He squeezed harder. "I had to see you."_

_We stayed locked in each other's arms for a few more minutes before he finally put me back down. His hands slid up to hold my face, his thumbs brushing the tears away as his eyes studied me before capturing mine._

"_I should have killed him when I had the chance."_

_I shook my head. "No, Jake."_

"_Don't tell me no," he growled. "Look what he did to you. That fucker deserves to die!"_

_Out of nowhere, Leah stepped between us. "Baby, stop. Don't do this today."_

_His eyes released mine and focused on his fiancé. The anger left his face, leaving behind a broken man as he grabbed her and pulled her to him. I felt guilty for causing him to be in so much pain. He shouldn't have to be put through this. None of them should have to deal with it._

"_I'm sorry, baby," he whispered then kissed her. When they pulled apart, he let her go and pulled me into another tight hug. "I'm sorry, Sis."_

"_I know, Jake. I know." Another minute passed before I let him go. "Come on, Little Brother, let's go eat."_

_His brilliant smile lit up his face as he grabbed my hand and we ran into the building like kids with Emily and Leah laughing behind us._

_Two hours flew by like nothing as we sat and talked, catching up on all the things going on at work and home. My aching ribs reminded me that I hadn't laughed so hard in such a long time. I missed hanging out with them and I was actually thinking of fighting James to break the deal we had made when I left the hospital. I needed my friends and hated him even more for making me promise to stay away._

_As if he knew his name crossed my mind, my phone rang. I gave Jake a pointed stare. "Not a word," I warned._

_He held up his hands defensively as I answered. "Hello."_

"Hey beautiful. I'm so sorry but I'm not going to make it for dinner tonight."

"_What happened?" _

_I looked at my watch. His timing couldn't have been more perfect as it was already almost five-thirty. I didn't realize how much of the day had gotten away from me._

"Malcolm called in. He took his daughter to the hospital."

"_Oh my God, why? Is she okay?" Jake's brow furrowed at my outburst._

"She got hurt while they were at the park, but I haven't heard back from him yet to know if she's okay or not."_ He sighed. _"Needless to say, I have to call in another manager for tonight and I can't get in touch with either one of my guys yet. So, I'll be here until I can get someone else in and if I can't, I'll be closing the place up. I'm sorry, babe. I really wanted to spend some quiet time together tonight."

"_I know, but you have to take care of business. I'll see you when you get home."_

"I love you, Bella."

"_Love you, too." _

"_Oh God," Jake groaned before I could hang up and I prayed James didn't hear him._

_I put the phone back in my purse, turned and smacked him. "What the hell is your problem?"_

"_Ow, Bells. What the hell?" He rubbed his arm._

"_I told you to keep your damn mouth shut. Are you trying to make this worse?" I shouted, causing people to stare._

"_No! Shit. I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to say anything. It's just that…"_

_The sadness in his face broke my heart and I let out a heavy breath, holding up my hand to stop his apology. "I know, Jake. I'm sorry. I shouldn't… It's not your fault." Both hands shot to my temple, rubbing circles, trying to ease the throbbing in my head. "Our lives shouldn't be like this."_

"_We can make all of this right, Bella, if you just come home," he said, so full of hope._

_Shaking my head, I hated to break his heart. "I have a home, Jake." I met each pair of sad eyes around the table. "A home that I better get back to."_

"_Wait," Emily interrupted, "you don't have to leave."_

"_Yeah, he said he's not coming home right away, right?" Leah stepped in. "Stay with us. Let's go have some fun, just the five of us, like we used to. Emily can call Sam and we'll go…"_

"_Leah, I can't." Her face fell as her words died. "Sure, he's going to be late but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be there when he gets home. And, since I don't know when that's going to be exactly, I should just go. No sense in rocking the boat when I don't have to." Causing that defeated look on her face made me want to cut my own tongue out, so I added, "Besides, we still have tomorrow together, right?"_

"_Yeah…right." She crossed her arms over her chest, but stood after a few seconds. "I'll meet you outside."_

_She walked toward the bathroom as fast as her legs would carry her. Jake was out of his chair right after her._

"_I'm sorry, Em."_

_Knowing how upset Leah was, we both knew it would take Jake a while to calm her down enough to join us._

"_We need to talk." She glared at me. "Outside…now." _

_Our bill had already been paid, so we gathered our things and left the restaurant. The door hadn't even closed before she began speaking._

"_You have to see how hard this is for us, Bella."_

_Thankfully, I had to put my sunglasses on before walking outside so she couldn't see the tears welling up in my eyes._

"_I know, Em, but…"_

"_You don't know shit!" she yelled. "Do you know that Sam drives past your house now every night on his way home from work? And then again after dinner just to make sure you're okay." I was about to answer, but she wasn't done. "Do you even care that Jake stopped taking out of town runs because he wants to be here in case something happens to you again? Or that Leah's about to have a goddamn nervous breakdown while she waits for the call that tells us you're _dead_!"_

_I flinched as she spit out the last word._

"_You have no clue what it's like to sit at home and watch everyone jump every time the phone rings. Or watch as every head turns when they hear a siren and wonder if they're on the way to your house._

"_You're putting yourself through hell, Bella, but do you even realize that you've dragged us right along with you?"_

_Every word sliced my heart wide open. They were always happy when I would see them, always joking around when we'd talk on the phone. I really had no idea it had gotten so bad for them. They didn't deserve any of it._

_Leaving Emily standing there, I walked back to my car. I didn't want to hear any more, but Emily wouldn't let me off that easily._

"_No, Bella," she chased after me, "you don't get to walk away from this anymore. This is tearing apart our family. And for what? _For love?_ That's bullshit and you know it." She grabbed my arm and spun me around to face her. "You and I both know that you could do a hell of a lot better than _him_. _

"_So what is it, Bella? It can't be the sex 'cause that shit would have to be phenomenal to put up with everything he's done to you." She got a hateful look in her eye that I'd never seen before. "Maybe it's the money? Now that you know what it's like to be rich, you can't live without it, right?"_

_That was like a slap in the face. _

"_How dare you?" I yelled back. "Do you really think…?"_

"_What else am I supposed to think? There's got to be a damn good reason for you to stay and I know it has _nothing_ to do with love."_

_Regardless of everything I'd ever told them, they all saw right through me. They knew I didn't love James and Emily had obviously drawn her own conclusions for why I stayed. But after all the years I'd known her, for her to believe I was so shallow that I would stay for money, it was the worst comment she could have ever said to me. _

_I knew she was hurt but I wouldn't let her get to me. One wrong word and our entire lives could explode. If she believed things were bad now, it would be nothing compared to the outcome if Sam or Jake ever found out why I really stayed. The truth was mine to keep, so I did the one thing I'd spent the last year doing, I lied my ass off._

"_Is that what you think of me? That it's all for the money! To hell with you, Emily," I shouted. "So we fight…big fucking deal. Those days are nothing compared to the ones we spend together when he treats me like I'm the most precious thing in the world. When the man I love shows me just how much he loves me in return. For you the cheapen that, to say I don't love him and call me a gold digging…"_

"_Whoa, hey…what the hell's going on out here?" Jake stepped between us, his head swiveling from her to me and back again._

"_Ask her." I pointed at Emily, taking all eyes off me before my lies fell apart._

"_Me?" she said incredulously. "You're the one who's been lying to everyone who cares about you. You're the one who suddenly thinks money means more than your family. You couldn't…"_

"_Enough!" Jake silenced her. "You think she's in this for the money! She's your best friend, Em, how dare you accuse her of such a thing?"_

"_Are you telling me that you believe she really loves him? That he could beat her within an inch of her life and she can still fall blindly in his arms like nothing ever happened."_

"_Is it really so hard for you to believe?" he defended me. "You know Bella. You know when she says she loves someone that it's because she's given her whole heart to that person. She's never once said 'I love you if…' to any man. She's never given them conditions. The love she gives them is genuine, Emily, and you know it._

"_Do I like this situation or the way he treats her? Hell, no! It's fucked up beyond all reason, but I've made my promise to stand by her no matter what and I'm not going to let her down. I'm going to support her and be there for her any way I can. As her best friend, I would expect you to do the same."_

_My heart shattered into a million pieces as I listened to him defend me so passionately when every word I'd ever said to him had been a lie. I didn't deserve someone as good as Jake and I wish I could repay him with the absolute truth, but I couldn't. I lied to protect him, to protect all of them and no matter what it cost me; I could never let them know the truth._

"_But she…"_

"_Stop talking about me like I'm not here!" I interrupted then turned to Jake, throwing my arms around his neck. "I love you so much, Jake."_

_I fought against the tears as I turned and grabbed Emily and drew her to me. Her arms wrapped around my waist the second I had her in my arms._

"_I love you." "I'm sorry." We both said at the same time._

"_I never should have…" she began, but I cut her off._

"_I know you love me, Em, but please trust me." Taking a step back, I held her hands between us. "I know you don't believe me, but I really do love him and we're trying to work things out."_

"_I can't lose you, Bella."_

"_And you're not going to," I assured her._

_We were in each other's arms again, pulling a crying Leah into the hug with us. Jake stepped in behind her and wrapped his big arms around the three of us. It was a moment that I wished could last forever, but I knew better. I was the first to pull away and step away from the group._

"_As much as I love being here, I really do need to get back." I sniffed. "We still have tomorrow, though. So let's not waste the time we do have together being upset."_

_From the loving cage of Jake's arms, Leah was the first to agree. "Okay, B. We'll see you tomorrow."_

"_Yeah, tomorrow," Emily echoed._

"_I don't have a run tomorrow. Can I meet you for lunch again?" Jake looked hopeful._

_I smiled. "I'll kick your ass if you don't."_

_He laughed. "I wanna watch you try."_

_And there we were again, right back to the way we used to be. A family._

_With a kiss to her temple, Jake let go of Leah and hugged Emily. "I'm gonna take off. I'll see you two at home." He turned to hug me. "I'll see you tomorrow, Sis."_

_I squeezed him tight. "See you tomorrow."_

_He kissed each of us and jogged between the cars in the lot, making his way toward the street. The girls and I embraced one last time and said goodbye for the night. I took a step toward my car and my eyes immediately found Jake. I couldn't help the smile that settled on my face as he jogged across the street._

_But that all changed when I saw the truck. _

_The truck that was barreling down the street._

_The truck that made no attempt to stop._

_The truck that hit my brother and sent his body flying into on-coming traffic._

_Time stopped. _

_The air was sucked out of my lungs._

_Brakes squealing and breaking glass filled my ears as I stood frozen, watching in horror. His body hit the ground and rolled away from the car as it skidded to a stop._

_His body was completely still. No movement. Nothing._

_An ear-splitting scream broke my trance and I took off running. My ribs screamed and my lungs burned as I fell to the ground next to his broken, twisted body._

Don't be dead. Don't be dead._ My mind screamed the words I couldn't say._

"_Jake!" Nothing. "Jake!"_

_My hands ghosted over him. I wanted to shake him, hit him, anything to wake him up, anything to make him talk to me but I couldn't touch him. I knew if I did, I would undoubtedly turn him over and that would hurt him worse than he already was._

"_Jake!" I leaned next to his ear. "Wake up, honey, please. Please, Jake please."_

_He didn't move, didn't speak, didn't wake up and I held my breath until I watched him take one of his own. His breaths were shallow but they were there. My brother was still alive._

"_Hang on, honey. Please hang on," I begged him. "Stay with me, little brother, I need you. You can't leave me."_

_His breaths remained slow and shallow but as long as he was breathing, I would take it. My fingers stroked his cheek lightly as I continued talking to him, trying to keep him with me._

"_You should have seen her today. She looked so beautiful. Your wedding will be perfect. And then you can start working on those babies. I can't be Auntie Bella if you don't. They're gonna be so beautiful, just like their mom and you're gonna be an amazing dad. You and Leah will be so…"_

"_Le." My breath caught as the hoarse groan fell from his lips._

"_Jake! Oh God, Jake! Talk to me, honey. Please talk to me."_

"_Le." He repeated her name and I could finally breathe again._

_Once that small relief settled over me, the background noises flooded in; loud, nervous talking and screams._

_Screams._

_My head snapped up and I realized Emily and Leah weren't with me. I was so caught up in him that I didn't look for them._

"_Leah!" I screamed, my head whipping around frantically._

_I couldn't see anything past the crowd of people gathered around us._

"_Emily! Leah!" _

_I wanted to go find them but I couldn't leave him. I wouldn't leave him alone. Not now. I was about to scream again when the crowd parted and I saw them through the sea of legs._

_Emily was on the ground with Leah in her lap. She was trying to hold her still while Leah screamed and cried for Jake. The instant she saw me hovering over him, Leah screamed, her eyes widened and she elbowed Emily in the eye, forcing her to let go._

_Leah stumbled and tripped her way toward us and pushed me out of the way when she was close enough. She took my place at his side, crying and repeating his name over and over again._

"_Le," Jake groaned again._

"_Jake!" she yelled in his ear. "Oh God, Jake!"_

_I was finally aware enough to hear the sirens. They sounded close. I moved in next to Leah._

"_They're coming, Jake."_

"_They're gonna help you." Emily had finally joined us._

_We all talked to him, keeping him conscious while in the back of my mind, I listened for the sirens. They got closer and closer until I heard the squeal of tires on the street and the sound of someone forcing their way through the crowd._

_Emily and I kept our arms around Leah as we watched the EMTs work on Jake. After the neck brace was secured, they shot something into his arm. Agonizing minutes passed as they worked to stabilize him and I cringed when they carefully straightened out his broken legs._

_I knew from experience that moving broken limbs that way hurt like hell, so I didn't miss the look of worry that had passed between them when Jake didn't make a single sound as they moved him. I hoped it was the sedative keeping him still and quiet but I knew all too well that sedatives didn't work that fast._

_My stomach dropped as my suspicions rose and I focused my attention on Leah so I didn't have to watch anymore. She was on the edge of a breakdown and needed more of my attention anyway. _

_More gut-wrenchingly slow minutes passed before the EMTs finally loaded an unconscious Jake into the back of the ambulance. Leah screamed and hollered and begged to go with them but they refused, telling us what hospital they were taking him to so we could follow._

_Emily sat in my back seat with Leah's head in her lap as we sped through the streets to the hospital. We rushed into the building only to be led to a small waiting room. I held Leah this time while Emily left the room to call Sam._

_Less than an hour passed when Emily bolted out of her chair and wrapped herself around Sam. His eyes squeezed shut as he held her and he was, no doubt, remembering what it was like to be in this very same position five months ago when it was Emily on the operating table. His haunted eyes found mine as he let Emily go and kneeled in front of Leah, placing a kiss on her forehead._

"_He's going to be fine, Le."_

_Her vacant stare showed no signs of recognition. Leah was so lost in her own head and I was afraid that only Jake could bring her out of it. Sam saw the same look in her eyes and didn't hesitate to sit, pull her into his lap and rock her back and forth. The two of them sat that way for hours, nothing breaking the little bubble they'd surrounded themselves in. Emily and I paced the floor, taking turns getting coffee or anything else to get us through the night._

_The clock just rolled past 1am when a flash of green in the corner of my eye had me jumping to attention. The doctor stood just inside the doorway with one hand curled around the back of his neck, looking exhausted._

"_How is he, Doctor?" I blurted as my family gathered around me. "How's my brother?"_

_The doctor dropped his hand and blew out a heavy breath. "Mr. Black has been moved into recovery but the prognosis doesn't look good."_

_Leah let out a gut-wrenching sob and would have collapsed to the floor if Sam hadn't been there to hold her up. Emily gripped my hand so tight I was surprised it didn't break while I broke apart inside, praying to God we didn't lose him._

"_What do you mean not good?" Sam asked._

_The doctor motioned to the chairs. "Please, have a seat."_

_The weight of the moment pressed harder and harder upon me as I crossed the four foot space and sank into the chair. Sam held Leah in his lap next to me as Emily took the seat on his other side. The doctor pulled a chair from another row of seats and sat directly in front of us._

_With another heavy breath, he began. "I'm sorry to say that Mr. Black suffered some very serious injuries. Both legs, an arm and several ribs were broken in the accident. There's a hairline fracture in his skull from here," his fingers traced a line on his own head from his right temple, "to here." His fingers stopped at the base of his neck on the left side of his head._

_Leah's cries grew louder with the news. Emily muffled her sobs behind the hands that covered her face. Tears spilled from my eyes when I looked to Sam to see the tears also falling from his._

"_There was some internal bleeding which we were able to get under control," he continued. "However…"_

_My stomach dropped as he spoke. As bad as the news was, that one word scared me because I knew we hadn't heard the worst yet._

"…_he suffered serious damage to his spinal column," I reached out to grasp Sam's arm, "and I'm afraid, when he wakes up, he will have lost the use of his lower body."_

"_P-paralyzed?" I stammered._

_Emily curled in on herself and Leah's sobs were muffled as Sam pulled her tighter to his chest. He pressed his cheek to the side of her head with his eyes shut tight._

"_I'm sorry, but yes."_

"_No!" I shouted, unwilling to believe that was it. "No! You have to fix it! You can't give up. You have to get back in there and fix it!"_

"_I'm sorry, Miss…"_

"_You're sorry!" I jumped from the chair. "You don't get to be sorry! You have to get back in there and help him." I shoved him. "You can't let this happen. Go help him!" I shoved him again but he wouldn't move._

"_Bella, stop." Sam voice sounded behind me._

"_No! You're the doctor! This is what you spent all that time in school for, isn't it?" I pushed him again. "Get up and help him."_

_Big arms circled my chest from behind. "Bell, please stop," Sam whispered in my ear. "Please. Think of Leah right now. She needs us. All of us."_

_Seeing Leah, who had been passed off to Emily, crying uncontrollably erased all my anger and I was instantly on my knees in front of her._

"_I'm so sorry, Le."_

_Emily leaned forward a little and I put my arms around her while the two of us held Leah together. I vaguely registered Sam's voice in the background but didn't care to hear his words as I stayed locked with Emily and Leah._

_When my knees couldn't take kneeling on the floor any longer, I pulled away from the girls only to see Sam sitting next to us with his head in his hands. His shoulders shook as he cried silently. It broke my heart to see my big, tough Sam so broken. Without a second thought, I shuffled over and crawled into his lap, holding him with all the strength I had._

_My still tender ribs protested as his grip tightened around me, but I would endure the pain for him. He was always the strong one. The one _we_ always went to for comfort. But now he needed it and I wouldn't deny him that._

_With his face buried in my neck, I heard him mumble. "How much more can we take?"_

_The tears that had already been falling poured down my cheeks as I heard the defeat in his voice. I hugged him tighter._

"_Emily, Jake…you. I swear if something every happened to Leah…"_

"_Don't, Sam. We're okay." I pulled out of his embrace, held his face in my hands and held his eyes with mine. "I'm fine, Sam. Emily's fine and her confidence grows every single day. And you know Jake, with every breath he takes, he'll find a way to make the best of his life."_

_I was never very good at lying and I hoped he couldn't hear the tremble in my voice as I spoke the words I didn't believe. In truth, my thoughts mirrored his. How much more could our family really take? And like him, if anything were to happen to Leah or Sam I don't know what we would do. Just the thought of it was too much._

_Sam pulled me into his arms again. "I love you, Bell."_

"_Love you too, babe."_

_Our little family sat huddled together in the waiting room for another half hour until a nurse came in to tell us that we could sit with Jake for a couple of minutes before we had to leave for the night. Minutes weren't enough but we would take whatever we could get._

_Sam took Leah in first, knowing she would need his strength to get through the short visit. And he was right. Sam was practically carrying Leah when they left his room. Emily and I walked in together and both nearly collapsed when we saw him._

_With his pale skin and nearly full body cast, Jake _looked_ like he was dead. If it weren't for the slow beeping of the heart monitor, I would have believed he was. His chest and unbroken arm were the only parts of his body untouched by plaster, only to be covered with tubes and wires. The bruises covering the skin we could see looked so much like mine that I shivered. The movement brought Emily and I out of our shocked state and we moved slowly to his bedside. _

_Linking our fingers together, I ran my hand through his hair. "We're here, little brother. Leah, Emily, Sam and me…we're all here for you."_

"_Yeah, Jake, we're all here and we're not leaving," Emily whispered as she lightly touched his bare shoulder. "Please get better, honey. We love you so, so much. We can't go on without you."_

_Emily leaned in and pressed her lips to his forehead._

"_Leah needs you, honey, so you need to fight, okay. Fight and come back to her." My hand left his hair to wipe the tears pouring down my cheeks. "We're still planning that wedding for you, Jake, so you have to come back 'cause there can't be a wedding without you."_

_My eyes caught Emily's as we both heard the small knock on the door._

"_Excuse me," a nurse stepped into the room, "I'm sorry but he needs his rest now."_

_We each placed a kiss on his forehead and whispered our goodbyes. I could have sworn I felt him squeeze my fingers but, as nothing else seemed to move, I chalked it up to my imagination. I, on the other hand, did squeeze his fingers and leaned in to whisper in his ear._

"_I need my brother to stand up for me and you said you'd always be with me, remember? Please, Jake, don't leave me."_

_With the heaviest of hearts, we went our separate ways with a promise to return first thing in the morning. We would be there for Jake, standing a constant vigil at his side until he either woke up or the hospital personnel kicked us out._

_The streets were quiet as I drove home, lost in my own little world. A world that shattered with the sound of my phone ringing from the seat beside me. I hadn't given a second thought to my phone all night, too concerned for Jake to even care if I had it with me or not. Not having to guess who was calling, I simply let the phone ring. I was nearly ten hours late getting home; James could wait ten more minutes._

_My blood turned to ice as I came to a stop in front of our house and the front door flew open. I braced myself for the impact of his anger as he ran toward me. My lungs expelled every ounce of air as he crushed my body to his in a painfully tight embrace. And my mind whirled as James buried his face in my neck, his tears immediately soaking my shirt as they slid over my shoulder._

"_Oh God, baby, I've been so worried." His voice nearly breathless as he spoke._

_With no air left to speak, I tried to push myself out of his grasp. He released his hold only to move his hands to my face, his eyes searching my face and body for a fraction of a second before capturing my eyes._

"_I've been calling, baby. Where have you been? What happened? Why didn't you answer your phone?" He shot question after question at me, begging for answers but his concern left me speechless._

_Studying his face, I couldn't see a shred of the anger I would normally see if I was even a minute late. The James Denton I knew wouldn't tolerate it and my body would pay the price. He wouldn't be standing in front of me crying his eyes out, searching for injuries and asking if I was okay._

_James was a master at putting on a show for witnesses and knowing that, my eyes slid from his to the house behind his back. No lights. No indication whatsoever that anyone was awake or even watching. My head turned slowly to focus on the house behind me and still saw nothing. Turning back to him, my nerves were set on edge as he wiped at his tears and pulled my hand._

"_Come on, baby. Let's get you inside."_

_Terrified of what waited for me once that door closed, I wanted to pull away, to fight against his grip, jump in my car and drive as fast as I could back to Sam, but I couldn't do it. My feet moved against my will as he pulled me along like a lamb being led to slaughter._

_My body shook uncontrollably as I crossed the threshold, the soft click of the door sounding behind me. James turned quickly and wrapped me in his arms again._

"_It's okay, baby. You're home now." He kissed my hair. "You're safe. I won't let anything hurt you."_

_I kept my arms tucked into my chest as he held me, leaving them in a position to protect myself if this strange concern of his came to an end. Every kind word or gentle stroke of his hand left me confused, unable to let my guard down._

_Without a word, James stepped back, leading me up the stairs and into the bedroom. He helped me out of my clothes and tucked me into bed before crawling in next to me. With his arms around me, his sweet kisses, gentle touches and words of comfort and concern left me in tears and for the first time in more than a year, I held onto him as tightly as he held me while I cried for my brother._

"_Please, baby, please you're scaring me. Tell me what happened."_

_The accident played again and again in my mind. Jake being hit by that truck. Jake's broken body lying in the middle of the street. Jake in that hospital bed and the news that he would never walk again. It was too much and my sobs got louder as I clung harder to James._

_His arms tightened. "Tell me, please."_

_"Jake," I cried and his grip tightened again. "He was… he was running… and the truck hit him… and he… and he…"_

_I felt his body stiffen and realized what I'd said. I panicked and pulled away quickly, Sitting up, my wide eyes met his and I grabbed his hands hoping to keep him from hitting me._

"_I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. I know I promised you," I rushed the words out, "but he showed up at the restaurant and it had been so long and I couldn't…"_

"_Shh, baby, it's okay." His hand cupped my face as he kissed me._

"_Really?" I sniffed and wiped my cheeks. "You're not upset with me?"_

"_I'm not upset." His lips touched mine again in a feather-light kiss. "I know you miss him, baby. He's your brother and it was wrong of me to keep you from him. Please say you'll forgive me."_

"_You… What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing._

_From the day I met him, James had never backed down so easily, especially where Jake was concerned. He hated Jake with a passion but here he was apologizing for making me promise to stay away from him. It didn't make sense and, immediately, my guard went back up._

"_Forgive me, baby, for ever trying to cut Jake out of your life. It wasn't fair to you," he paused and then added, "or to him. I know I was wrong and I'm sorry."_

_No, this was wrong. Every word out of his mouth was just wrong. He was up to something. He had to be. James would never say something like that about Jake. Ever._

_He was setting me up. Nothing else made sense because there was no way James would accept my relationship with Jake without a fight._

"_I know how much you must hate me right now," he pulled me in, crushing me to his chest, "for taking him away from you the way I did. And now with a funeral coming up, it kills me that you'll never see him again."_

"_Funeral?" I pushed away from him again._

"_It's okay, sweetheart. I'll be with you every second. You don't have to go through this alone."_

_I scrambled away from him and out of bed. "That's what this is about," I shouted before pulling a nightshirt and shorts from the drawer._

"_Bella? What are you…?"_

"_I see it now." I lost my balance putting my shorts on, hitting my hip on the dresser. "This isn't real. None of it is real!"_

_I pulled my shirt on and went for the door._

"_Where are you going?"_

"_I can't be around you right now." Wrenching the door open, I turned back to James. "And for your information, there will be no funeral 'cause Jake is _not_ dead."_

_I slammed the door behind me and went to sleep in the guest room for the night._

* * *

**And now Bella's time with James is over. Though it should have happened sooner, at least she's finally free of him.**

**I love all of you that have stuck with me so far; it means more to me than you will ever know. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	25. Buying Time

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH because, without them, I'd be a neurotic mess. I love you both so much.**

* * *

Previously…

"_Where are you going?"_

"_I can't be around you right now." Wrenching the door open, I turned back to James. "And for your information, there will be no funeral 'cause Jake is _not_ dead."_

_I slammed the door behind me and went to sleep in the guest room for the night._

* * *

**Chapter 25 – Buying Time**

**February 23, 2010**

"I never shared a room with him again after that." The lump in my throat made it hard to speak.

"He believed he killed him, didn't he?" Carlisle said softly as he wiped my tears.

I nodded. "He thought Jake was finally out of the way." I swallowed hard. "I can't believe I bought it…even for a second."

"You'd already been through so much that day, Bella, not to mention being exhausted at two or three in the morning, it makes sense that you wouldn't fully figure out his motives."

"But he was always so transparent." I paused for a second and shrugged. "Well, he was with me anyway."

"What does that mean?" Carlisle asked, pushing me up to face him.

Stalling, I stood and stretched. "Sitting there is getting pretty uncomfortable, don't you think?"

I walked back and sat on the edge of the table.

"Don't do that, Bella." He stood and followed me. "Quit stalling."

"I'm not st…"

"I know you, remember, and I know exactly what you're doing." He stood in front of me with his arms crossed. "Now tell me."

Rolling my eyes, I let out a breath. "James was always good at getting people to believe his side of things. It's what kept him out of jail every time he was taken in."

"That and his money," Carlisle mumbled and leaned against the table next to me.

"Oh right…how could I forget the money." I nudged him in the side and continued. "He wasn't like that with me. With me, it was almost as if he _couldn't _keep his mouth shut. Honestly, I don't think he tried very hard to hide the truth from me. Granted, I had to pay a hell of a price to learn the truth, but I believe he wanted to tell me. He wanted something to hold over my head. Something to keep me tied to him or terrified enough to never leave him. Whatever his motive was, it backfired on him."

"How so?"

"I had already made the choice to stay with him. I would have never left. If he would have just believed in that, none of this would have happened." Scooting closer, I leaned my head on Carlisle's shoulder. "I was already dealing with what he had done to Emily but the night I found out what he'd done to Jake that was it. I couldn't take anymore. I had to do whatever I could to get all of us away from him."

"What did he do, Bella?"

"Does it matter?"

Lifting my head, I was met with his stern, no nonsense look. He wasn't going to back down. Agitated, I began to pace in front of him.

"It took me a while to figure out, but I came to realize that James Denton was two very different people, living in two different worlds. In the world I was allowed to live in, he was a rich man who moved in elite circles. He was respected and looked up to by everyone who knew him, which was why he would pay any price to keep his real life with me a secret.

"Outside of that circle of friends, though, James led a different life. The people he associated himself with could best be described as…shady; criminals, drug dealers and users, the absolute dregs of society. If the price was right, he could get any one of them to do anything he wanted. And that's exactly what he did.

"James used to keep a small fortune stashed in the house so he had cash available to him when he needed it. He usually used the money to buy his way out of trouble because, as you know, cash doesn't leave a trail and his father or anyone else for that matter would never learn his secrets. But that time, though, he used his money to get the one thing he always wanted…Jake out of the way."

Just saying the words caused me to shiver, thinking of how close we came to losing Jake because I let a monster into our lives.

"He was furious when he found out that Jake didn't die in the accident and a few days later, I came home from the hospital earlier than normal to hear him on the phone in the office, yelling at someone for screwing up the job. When I confronted him about it, he tried to deny it but then he lost his temper and we started fighting. It was always during the fights that the truth came out."

His eyes narrowed. "I know how you think, Bella. You started a fight with him on purpose, didn't you?" I nodded. "What were you thinking? How could you put yourself in danger like that?"

"It wasn't about me. I would have done anything to find out what happened. I needed to know if he was involved." I shrugged. "But it wasn't too bad. It only took me a few days to recover from that fight. Once I did, though, I ran straight to Charlotte. She had to know and I hoped, if she knew the truth, she would see how desperate I was for her help."

"Well she obviously helped, since you left shortly after Jake's accident."

"She did, though not right away." He looked confused so I explained. "Charlotte had the means to falsify documents to give someone a new identity. She had friends everywhere that would help her hide someone until they were able to find a more stable place to live. But that was just it, she could hide one, but an entire family was nearly impossible.

"She tried but when she finally came to me and explained that she didn't have the resources or connections to hide five adults, I took the next couple of days to think before I came up with a solution of my own."

From the day we met, Carlisle had always been good at reading me. Now, after months of talking and getting to know me and my past, he didn't need much of an explanation to know where my thoughts were headed. With my last statement, his eyes grew wide and I knew he understood.

"Tell me you didn't!" He was in front of me, his hands gripping my arms.

"I had to make sure they were safe." I held his waist. "I couldn't leave if they weren't protected."

"But stealing from him, Bella! Are you crazy? Why would you do such thing? You gave him the perfect reason to come after you. Don't you get that?"

"The money had nothing to do with it. He would have come for me anyway," I told him.

"You don't know that." He pushed away and began pacing, the vein on his forehead telling me exactly how angry he was. "He could have let you go. Once he realized you were gone and Jake, Emily, Leah and Sam were nowhere to be found, he may have given up."

"Calm down, Counselor." I rolled my eyes. "I'm telling you that vein is going to pop one of these days."

"You think this is funny," he yelled. "How much money was it, Bella? How much did you give up your freedom for?"

The cruelty of his words knocked me back a step. I knew he was angry but I didn't expect him to lash out at me the way he did and I was surprised by how much it actually hurt me. Hoping to hide the pain in my eyes, I walked to the table, taking his notebook and a pen out of his briefcase.

He had to know that no matter what I did or what I took from him, James would have come after me. Scribbling the words on the paper quickly, I put the pen down and held the paper out to him.

"He used to recite this for me, usually as we laid in bed at night after our fights. He was always so tender and sweet after we'd fight that I thought he was just being romantic, reciting poetry for me. Until I really listened and understood what it meant."

Carlisle took the paper from me and began to read. I'd heard that poem so often that the words were engrained in my memory. I never wanted to read or hear those words again, but it was so important that he understood exactly what I was running from.

"Romance was the furthest thing from his mind. It was a warning. A reminder that I was his. Forever."

The paper crumpled in his hand as he looked up at me, his blue eyes shimmering with fresh tears. He closed the distance between us in two steps, wrapping me in the protection of his arms. My arms circled his waist as I buried my face in his chest.

"Do you see? It was never about the money? He was never going to let me go."

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry for yelling at you. I shouldn't have done that."

"It's okay, Carlisle. You yell…I yell, remember?"

We held each other for a few more minutes before he led me to a chair and sat me in his lap. He left his arms around me as he spoke.

"Okay, so what happened when you told Charlotte your plan?" he asked.

"She was actually happy. She had already been working on papers for the five of us so that was never a concern. Her worry was finding a place among her friends for them to live until they could find a place of their own. But with the money I had at my disposal, we were able to find a house that the four of them could move in to. I planned to pay the rent for a year so they wouldn't have to worry about that at least.

"Our biggest problem was what to do with Jake. He'd woken up a few days after the accident but he was in such bad shape that we couldn't just move him. Charlotte worked her magic, of course, and got her friend in the hospital to help us. She was able to work out a transfer to move him to the hospital that was about fifteen minutes away from their new house."

"But wouldn't that leave a paper trail?" he asked. "If he was looking, James wouldn't have to work very hard to find him."

"We'd already had their new identities so the transfer was going to be made under his new name and the hospital would list his condition as some kind of heart problem. Only his doctors would know the truth. Jacob Black would essentially disappear."

"How did you even get them to agree to this?"

"That was one of the hardest conversations I'd ever had."

My body stiffened a little as I remembered that day. Carlisle tightened his hold on me and urged me to go on.

"The three of us set up a schedule and took turns sitting with Jake. We didn't want him to be alone and even more so for me once I'd found out what James had done. Well, after Charlotte and I had everything in place, I had asked Emily if she would switch with me because I had some things I needed to take care of. Luckily, she agreed without question and I would have Jake and Sam all to myself to tell them I had to leave and to say goodbye.

"I knew they were going to be the hardest to convince. Neither one of them wanted me out there all on my own with no protection, but I swore to them I would never ever let my guard down. I would be safe and take precautions to keep myself that way.

"They were still hesitant to let me go, of course, but I showed them my new papers, both the identity I would assume when I walked out the hospital doors and the extra set I could use in the future should the need arise. It still wasn't good enough, though, so I assured them that I wouldn't be completely alone and that Charlotte's friends would be watching over me while I was gone. They had been told about the trouble I was in and would do what it took to keep me safe."

Shifting a bit, I draped an arm over Carlisle's shoulders, hugging him as I turned to face him.

"You know, with as calm and understanding as Sam always was, I would have expected Jake to put up the biggest fight over me leaving, but I was so wrong. Sam held on as tight as he could, absolutely refusing to let me go. He wouldn't listen to me. Surprisingly, Jake was the one to actually convince him, telling him that I needed to get as far away from James as fast as I could."

"When I talked to them," Carlisle interrupted, "Sam told me that with the way Emily had changed after the mugging and then with Jake's accident, he was terrified to let you walk out the door. He couldn't stand the thought of losing you too.

"I remember his exact words because I've read them so many times since our meeting. He said, _'It was my job to protect them and I couldn't fail Bella the way I had with Emily and Jake.'_"

"He said that?"

"You weren't the only one who felt the responsibility to protect everyone, Bella. He wanted to keep you all safe and felt like a complete failure for a long time because he believed he let each one of you down."

"But he didn't, he…"

"I know and he knows it now, too. Believe it or not, the longer you were gone the more he realized how strong you really were. To have dealt with everything there and still made a life for yourself that James couldn't touch, he was so proud of you."

"Oh yeah," I muttered sarcastically, "I did a _great_ job living my life. I'm sure prison was number one on his top ten list of places for me to live."

"Don't do that! Don't put yourself down that way," he growled at me and pinched my side.

My body jerked as he hit a ticklish spot I'd long since forgotten about. The mischievous smirk and raised eyebrow told me I was in trouble.

"Don't even…"

My words were cut off as his fingers found that spot again before I could jump from his lap and I curled in on myself, laughing hysterically. I slapped and pushed and kicked to get away but found myself stuck in the cage his arms created around me. It wasn't until Whitlock pounded on the door that Carlisle froze, all playfulness gone.

He stood quickly, bracing me so I wouldn't fall. With a worried look, he grabbed my hands and held them tight between us.

"Before you go, I need to ask you for something."

"What is it?"

The seriousness in his face worried me. He dropped his eyes for a second before bringing them back to mine. The seriousness had given way to concern.

"Bella, I hate to ask you this but tomorrow there's something we really need to discuss."

"You're stalling, Counselor." I grinned nervously, trying to lighten his mood. "What is it? What else do you need to know?"

His eyes flickered between mine and he took a couple breaths before he said the words that ripped my heart out of my chest.

"I need you to tell me about Edward Masen."

My blood ran cold and Carlisle caught me before my knees hit the floor. My head shook furiously. "No, no, no, no, no. How did you…? You can't… No!"

My back hit the wall as I rushed away from him. Before he could take a single step toward me, Whitlock opened the door and I ran out.

I got down the hall and around the corner before Whitlock caught me, yanking my arms and pushing me face first up against the wall.

"What is your fucking problem?" he growled in my ear as he held me still to put the cuffs on me. "Too many blows to the fucking head, Bella. You know you can't run through these halls. Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

Tears poured down my face. "I'm sorry I just couldn't... He asked me… but I'm not ready. Not yet."

"I don't want to hear your excuses, Swan." His voice rose as he jerked me away from the wall. "Now move your ass."

Facing the hallway again, I saw Guard Newton and Guard Crowley about five steps away from us. Knowing how much pleasure they took in my weakness, I put my head down, refusing to let them see me cry. I saw their shoes pass us and we made it around another corner before Whitlock pulled me to a stop.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to be so rough with you. I saw them coming and I had to cover." He shook his head. "Are you okay? You're lucky I caught you. If it had been one of them, they would have brought out the taser and sent you to solitary for sure." After a quick once over, he turned and led me down the hall again. "Now, what happened? What did Carlisle say to you to make you run off like that?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I said quickly.

"You can talk to me, Bella," he urged.

I shook my head again. I couldn't talk to Whitlock about it because it was his goddamn girlfriend's fault that Carlisle found out about Edward. If she hadn't gone off and played detective, he would have never known Edward even existed.

And then it hit me.

The only way she would have ever found Edward was if she had talked to Ben. Shit! Why the fuck did I write anything about my time in Forks. Why did I tell her about Carmen? Why did I tell her any of it?

Because you're stupid, Bella. Whitlock told you what she was like. You should have known her nosy ass would have gone and checked out your story. Now Ben could be exposed and Edward…

"That bitch!"

"Bella, what is it?" Whitlock scanned the hallway to make sure we were alone. "Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing," I snapped. "Not a fucking thing."

He gave in quickly and we walked back to my cell in silence while I was fuming at Alice for getting into my business when I'd given her more than enough information to do her job.

Whitlock took the cuffs off but didn't make a move to leave right away as he normally did. I rubbed at my wrists and turned to see him standing in front of me looking a little nervous.

"Bella," he whispered, looking over his shoulder and back again, "I know you and I don't have the same relationship that you have with Mendez or even Carlisle, but I'm still here to help you and whenever I'm able, I'll always listen if you need to talk."

Great. Now I felt guilty for treating him the way I did. It wasn't his fault that his girlfriend was a nosy bitch, though I could never tell him that. And it wasn't his fault that Carlisle dropped a bomb on me today, one I was nowhere near ready for. Whitlock was nicer than I ever gave him credit for and I treated him like his presence in my life was somehow less than Carlisle's or Paul's.

"I'm sorry," I whispered as he glanced over his shoulder again. "It has nothing to do with you or Paul or Carlisle. He asked me for something I'm not ready to give, that's all. I panicked and ran. It won't happen again."

He stepped toward the cell door, looked both directions and turned back to me. "Maybe if you think about it and write it in that journal of yours, you can be ready tomorrow." With a wink, he hurried away from my cell.

"Tomorrow," I whispered the word to myself.

Just the word had me pacing my cell, too agitated to sit down. Dealing with the pain of telling him about Jake had almost been too much. There was no way I could manage telling him about Edward. Not without having a complete breakdown in the process.

The shaking started in my hands first as I thought about him. Those green eyes that held so much love and passion whenever he looked at me, his beautiful smile that began and ended every one of my days, those arms that took me in and kept me safe and his amazing heart that beat only for me.

My entire body shook as the knife that had lodged itself in my heart twisted and knocked me to my knees. Doubled over in pain, my arms wrapped themselves around my chest, trying desperately to hold my heart in place. My breaths came shallow and fast as tears poured onto the cement floor. Sobs echoed off the walls as I cried for the true love of my life.

It was my fault things ended the way they did and I would give anything to have him with me again. Maybe if I was home – in the house he'd built for me – I could feel close to him again. I missed him so much and that house held so many memories. It was all I had left.

"Aww, poor baby's crying again."

I barely heard Victoria's mocking voice over my sobs. My head turned in her direction but the tears didn't stop. She took a step into my cell.

"Shh little baby," she taunted me, taking two more steps, "it's okay."

With another step, she was close enough to bend and wrap her fist in the collar of my shirt, hauling me up from the floor. As she pressed me into the wall, her hand slid to my throat.

"I can make it all go away." Her fingers closed around my neck.

"Do it." I didn't fight against her but she held still. So I yelled as loud as her clenched hand would let me. "Just do it, you fucking bitch!"

Her eyes narrowed and evil smirk settled on her face. ""Not yet. It's too much fun watching you cry." She let me go and backed up to the cell door. Pure hatred slipped back into her voice as she spoke. "Besides, I wanna watch you _bleed_ first." Then she was gone.

With nothing to hold me up, I slid back down to the floor and wrapped my arms around my bent legs. My pants soaked up the tears as I rested my forehead on my knees. A beautiful, smiling image of Edward down on one knee fixed itself behind my closed lids and I cried harder.

I couldn't do it. Edward and the memories of our life together were mine. Sharing them with anyone felt wrong, but Carlisle would never understand that. Just as he did with Jake, he would push and push, saying it could only help my defense.

But why did he need me?

When Alice found him, Ben could have given her more than enough information about Edward and me. We were together because of him and even though he lived in Forks, it was as if he was right there with us through every step of our relationship. If Edward didn't call him, then I did. He knew everything…our entire history. He knew our beginning and our end.

What could I possibly tell Carlisle that Alice hadn't already learned? Was winning this case worth shattering my heart once and for all?

The dinner alarm sounded, interrupting my thoughts. I stood up slowly and stepped to the small sink, catching my red, puffy-eyed reflection in the mirror. No amount of cold water was going to help, so I cleaned up the best I could and made my way out of my cell.

I sat alone at my table in the corner of the room poking at my food, my stomach too upset to eat. After playing with it for twenty minutes, I pushed my tray away and sat back in my chair. There were still twenty-five minutes before we were led back to the block, leaving me with nothing to do but wait and think.

Staring at the table in front of me, my last day in Modesto came to mind and how a simple three-hour drive changed the course of my life forever.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_**January 17, 2009**_

_"Oh Shay, I wish you didn't have to leave." Mrs. Sanchez hugged me one last time._

_After our phone call on New Year's Eve, I had given Ben's threat some thought and decided that another move couldn't hurt. James had been close ever since I left Forks, but I had lost him somewhere between Redding and Santa Rosa so I was safe for a while._

_I had only been in Modesto for a month and a half and I knew it wouldn't take him long to find me again so a quick move didn't seem all that bad. After I hung up with Ben, I called Jenks for a new set of papers and prepared myself to leave._

_I felt a mild twinge of guilt when I called Ben back to tell him how much the new set would cost, but it was his idea for me to move this time so I let it go. He, of course, shrugged it off, saying it would be well worth it to have me near someone he trusted instead of being out here on my own._

_The next morning, I'd gone into the department store where I'd been working and gave Mrs. Sanchez my two-week notice. Without James breathing down my neck, it seemed the right thing to do. She had been good to me and I didn't want to leave her without a word. Now that my two weeks was up, it was time to move on._

_"It's not going to be the same without you here."_

_Her sincerity made me a little misty-eyed. I didn't realize she cared so much. I tightened my hold on her._

_"I'm sorry. I wish I didn't have to leave but my sister needs me. I really have to go." No one knew my life so the lie was easy to come up with._

_"I know. I know. Family comes first." She pulled back, holding me at arm's length. "You take care of yourself, you hear me. And if you ever make it back this way, just come see me. You'll always be welcome here."_

_"Thank you. If I ever make it back, you'll be the first to know."_

_We hugged once more before I left the store and jumped in my car. I took a deep breath before starting the engine and picked up my phone to call Ben._

_After four rings, he finally picked up. _"You better be in your car, Bell."

_"Yes, Dad, I'm going." I rolled my eyes as he laughed._

"Hey…I'm just making sure you don't chicken out on me."

_"Whatever, Ben." I laughed. "I'm in my car as we speak. I just wanted to call you before I hit the road."_

"Be careful driving, Bell, and you better call me when you get there," _he ordered._

_"Yes, Dad," I teased again. "Anything else?"_

"You have the directions I gave you, right?"

_"Seriously, Ben," I chuckled, "I don't remember the role of 'father' being up for grabs."_

"I just want don't want you to get lost." _By his tone, I could picture him with his hands raised in surrender._

_"I'll be fine. You don't have to worry about me."_

"I'll always worry, Bella," _he said seriously._

_"I know."_

"Now you better get on the road, he's already expecting you."

_"I'll call you in a few hours," I told him._

"You better. Talk to you soon, Bella."

_"Bye, Ben." I dropped the phone on the seat next to me, started the car and made my way to Bakersfield._

_The drive was quiet once I hit the highway and before I knew it, I pulled into the parking lot of his gym. The building was nothing special – small and gray with six foot, lightly tinted windows lining the front. I could see a class going on inside, both men and women together, kicking and punching different sized pads held by their partners and a tall man walking through the groups, repositioning the attacker for the right strike._

_Gathering my courage, I took a deep breath and headed for the door. A bell sounded as the door opened and again when it closed, catching the attention of the man helping the class. His bright smile flashed at me as he closed the distance between us._

_"Hello," he actually bowed to me, "can I help you?"_

_A little stunned by his greeting, I stammered, "Um…h-hello. I'm Jessica Shores and I'm looking for Edward Masen."_

_His smile grew as he turned his head to the left. "Hey Ed, you have a visitor."_

_My eyes followed his and I noticed an octagon shaped ring in the back and two men throwing punches at each other. One man put his hands in the air as the other stopped and backed away._

_"Who is it?" one of the men yelled._

_"Jessica…" He trailed off, as if he didn't remember my last name and then realization fell upon his face as he turned back to me. "Hey, you're Ben's friend, right?"_

_"Yes. He said Mr. Masen was expecting me."_

_He laughed, mumbling the words 'Mr. Masen' and then spoke in a stronger voice. "You can leave your shoes here, Ms. Shores, and I'll take you back."_

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Trays crashing to the ground brought me back to the present and I saw several of the guards run to the corner of the cafeteria. The guards near me had spread around the room, hands on their guns to ensure no other fights broke out.

My eyes automatically search for Paul, finding him easily. He was on edge. I could see it in the way his hand gripped his gun. His eyes darted from the women being restrained in one corner, to Victoria and Jane whispering, pointing and smiling conspiratorially in another, and then to me and back again as if he was expecting more to happen.

When the situation calmed down, everyone returned to their tables to wait out the last ten minutes before we were taken back to the block. Leaning back in my chair again, I kept my eyes on Paul and thought about our last conversation. His words still sounded in my head and I knew he was right.

Carlisle was working hard and so was Alice…_obviously_. The two of them were trying to get the whole truth whether the story came from me or from those I allowed to get close to me. I should have expected Alice to find Ben the second I had heard she'd gone in search of her own answers. And I should have guessed that he'd tell her about Edward. He was always so good to me and he would do anything to help me, even if it meant sending Alice after the hardest truth I ever wanted to face.

My memories of Edward were sacred to me and it really did feel wrong to share them with anyone, even Carlisle. Paul had always encouraged me to trust him and the rational side of my brain said I had no reason not to but the emotional side told me I'd be betraying Edward somehow if I did. I'd already failed to be what he needed when we were together, I couldn't let him down now that we were apart.

I jumped as the whistles blew, signaling for us to fall in line. Shoving my chair back, I stood but hung back a little to wait while everyone else lined up. I watched as Victoria harassed the two women in front of her, pushing, shoving and even slapping one of them, hoping to start another fight.

"Move your feet, Swan." Paul's voice came from behind me.

I turned automatically, asking as quickly and quietly as possible, "Can we talk?"

His eyes were cold, his face hard and his shoulders tense. "Now," was his only response.

I tried to keep the hurt from my face as I turned back around, but not sure I succeeded. I wanted to apologize to him more than anything for the argument we'd gotten into but he wouldn't give me the chance. And I had to apologize because I needed him so badly right now. With Carlisle coming back tomorrow expecting to talk about Edward, I needed to get things straight in my head and Paul was the only one who could help me do that.

Back in my cell, I tried to sit and write things out in my journal as Whitlock suggested but I couldn't remain still long enough to write more than a sentence or two. I alternated between pacing and sitting as the anxiety I was feeling wouldn't allow me to relax.

Lights out came and went and I was still pacing, too agitated to sleep. I couldn't keep thoughts of Edward out of my head. It was too much too fast, each memory flooding my head at once and I was having trouble keeping things straight.

Finally, hours after the lights dimmed, I heard footsteps coming down the line. Grabbing my mirror, I rushed to the corner of my cell to make sure it was Paul. He had to talk to me, to calm me down enough that I could get through tomorrow without suffering another breakdown.

On my knees at the corner of my cell, I caught his reflection in the mirror and stuck a shaking hand through the bars to tap on the floor. The silence was maddening as I prayed for him to hurry so we could talk. Just when I couldn't take the wait any longer, I heard the three short taps on the railing that told me he couldn't talk and my heart sank.

Did those taps mean he really couldn't talk or was he still too angry with me to want to help?

His footsteps brought him closer and I was on my feet just as he came into view. I had to wait for him to walk a few more steps before I could speak.

"Paul, please, I need you."

"Not now, Bella." I could hear the anger in his whispered words.

"I'm sorry, okay." I moved along the length of my cell as he walked by. "Paul, please, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean what I said. Please talk to me, Carlisle needs…"

He faced me with a spark of anger in his eyes. "Carlisle needs answers, Bella. He needs the truth and you need to give it to him. If you can't do that, then I can't help you."

He was gone before I could utter another word. Tears poured as I backed away from the bars.

Hours passed, my tears had dried and my anxiety was higher than ever. Paul had come and gone on his second pass of the night, still refusing to talk to me. I knew his third would come just before dawn, it was my final chance.

_Please, God, make him talk to me. Make him listen._

His footsteps caught my ear but before I could get my hopes up, three short taps hit the railing. He wasn't even going to give me a chance to get his attention. He knew I was still awake and he was refusing me before I could beg, because that was what I had been forced to do…beg.

Pacing stopped, my body became completely still as I watched him walk by, head turned the opposite direction as he ignored me completely. Once he was out of sight, I dropped to my knees in the center of my cell and cried.

Everything hit me all at once, Carlisle's pressure, Paul's rejection, Edward's memories. I couldn't take it…any of it. I needed time. Just a few days to get my head straight. A few days to come to terms again with what happened between Edward and me. A few days to figure out how to tell Carlisle without losing my grip on the little bit of sanity I had left.

The idea came fast. I knew what I had to do.

Carlisle was going to be angry, but I would just have to apologize and make it up to him later. I had to do it to buy me some time.

A few days, that was all.

Just a few days.

~oOo~

**February 24, 2010**

My eyes stayed focused on the floor while I listened to the heavy sounds of footsteps as the guards led everyone to breakfast. I waited, of course, to take my place at the end of the line. It was always an area of contention and a very tense standoff when guard Newton worked this level of the block. When Guard Crowley took over, however, I didn't have to fight as hard because he was more afraid of dealing with Whitlock's anger than mine.

It wasn't until that moment that I realized Whitlock had been looking out for me all along. From the moment I stepped foot in my cell, he had proven over and over again that he could be a hard ass guard just like all the others but in the past few months, I was lucky enough to see a glimpse of the real man behind the façade he had to put up behind these walls.

That thought shot another pang of guilt through me while I waited. Not only was I going to let Carlisle and Paul down today, I was going to let Whitlock down too.

"Let's go, Swan," Guard Crowley's voice cut through my worried thoughts.

_Perfect timing__, _I thought to myself as I pushed away from the wall.

There was no room for worry or doubt today. I had to keep my mind clear and focused…no distractions. Distractions got you hurt. Edward taught me that.

Edward's face was at the forefront of my mind as I walked through the double doors of the cafeteria and joined the line. I wasn't even halfway through when Victoria's red hair flashed in my peripheral vision.

Without my permission, my head turned in her direction. As if I needed more motivation for what I was about to do, seeing Victoria pushing Rosalie from behind pissed me off. It was time that bitch paid.

Turning away from the line with my tray in hand, I headed right for Rosalie's table.

It was twenty feet away. Twenty feet that seemed like a hundred and with every step, my anger grew. Victoria pushed her again and again and I could see Rosalie cowering below her while Jane laughed and goaded her to continue. Scanning the walls, none of the guards seemed to care what was happening but I bet that would change the second I reached the table.

Finally close enough to hear her annoyingly childish voice. I watched her push Rosalie again. "Come on, Blondie. You don't want to get hurt _again_ do you?"

Again? What the hell else had Victoria done to her that I didn't know about? I was tired of the bitch.

"Leave her the fuck alone, bitch!" I snarled at her.

Three things happened at once; Rosalie jumped from her chair, Victoria turned and, with two hands, I swung the empty tray I'd left the line with, hitting her directly under the chin.

Victoria's body crashed to the ground and I twisted, using my downward momentum to strike Jane across the right side of her head, sending her flying into the table behind her. In two steps, I was on Victoria, kicking her and making damn sure that whore didn't get back up.

"Bella!" I heard Rosalie scream just before Jane was on my back.

She was no match and I grabbed her arm and flung her over my shoulder, slamming her to the ground next to Victoria.

"Bella, watch out!"

Ignoring Rosalie's scream, I took a step toward Victoria and her little fucking girlfriend but before I could touch them again, someone slammed into my side and drove my body to the ground. Punches and kicks came from every direction and I did my best to protect myself as Victoria's fucking gang of bitches took their shots.

Using my legs, I swept two of them to the floor but it didn't matter, two more jumped in the second they fell. I tried to swing but as soon as my arm moved, a kick hit my side as a foot crushed my chest. Another kick caught the side of my head and my vision blurred.

"I'm gonna kill you, bitch!" Victoria's voice rang in my ears as her face hovered above mine.

My entire body hurt and I could feel the blood pouring from my nose as the taste of copper filled my mouth. Victoria looked possessed as her fist crashed into my face over and over. Her bloody knuckles slammed into my cheek one more time before the shouting started and Victoria's body collapsed on top of mine.

"Back the fuck up!"

"Get her off!"

"Hold 'em the fuck back!"

"Get 'em outta here!"

"Take her ass downstairs!"

My eyes closed as the black spots took over my vision. Another voice…a frantic voice, closer than the rest, sounded in my ear.

"Bella! Bella! Open your eyes. Bella!"

The voice was still loud but further away as he shouted.

"Clear the fucking room, _now_!"

I knew that voice.

"Bella." He was back at my ear.

I strained to think.

"Bella! Bella, it's Jasper."

_Jasper? Who's Jasper?_

"Bella, open your eyes. Come on, I need you to open your eyes."

I heard it then. "Whitlock." I forced his name out.

"Yes. Stay with me, Bella, help's coming. Please, stay with me."

My body felt heavy, my head pounded and all the sounds around me jumbled together until nothing made sense anymore. My mind swirled and I felt myself drifting.

Then he was there…standing right in front of me. So beautiful. So perfect.

"Edward," I whispered, reaching for him before the blackness took me.

* * *

**Bella just needed time to think. Five days in solitary for fighting…that was the plan. It just didn't work out the way she'd hoped.**

**I love all of you that have stuck with me so far; it means more to me than you will ever know. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	26. The Aftermath

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH because, without them, I'd be a neurotic mess. I love you both so much.**

* * *

**Chapter 26 – The Aftermath**

**Alice**

**February 24, 2010**

"Now there's a sight for sore eyes."

A very familiar voice caught my attention as I walked the through the doors of the courthouse. A smile crossed my face as I put my purse on the conveyor belt.

"Hey Peter, long time no see."

"You're telling me. I haven't seen you or Carlisle around here in months. What's going on with you?"

"We're working on the Swan case." I walked through the metal detector, meeting him on the other side. "And let me just say that _complicated_ would be a vast understatement when describing the shit storm we walked into."

"How hard could it be? The girl basically confessed to killing that guy, didn't she?" He shrugged. "I mean, I know you want to win, but what was Carlisle thinking when he took that case?"

My eyes narrowed. "This isn't a normal domestic violence case, Peter. It's so much more difficult than that. We've been working on this case day and night for six months and there are still things we don't know." I sighed. "We're getting closer, though, and we'll be ready by the time the trial starts."

"How much longer?" Peter asked.

"Just over two weeks," I answered. "Opening statements are March fifteenth."

"Well, good luck, Alice." He smirked and winked at me. "It'll be nice seeing you walk through my doors every day."

"I can't wait to be back too, Peter." With a smile and a wave, I left Peter behind and made my way toward Judge Banner's office.

My phone rang as I made it to the end of the hallway. I pushed the button for the elevator as I pulled my phone from my purse. Looking at the screen, my brow furrowed. Jasper never called me so early. I pushed the button to answer just as the elevator doors slid open.

"Hey Jazz, I'm just getting on the elevator so I might…"

The reception in this building wasn't the best and the call cut out as soon as the doors closed. Putting the phone back in my purse, I pushed the button for the third floor. A few seconds later, the doors opened and I walked a few doors down to the judge's office.

My phone rang again as I stepped through the door so I silenced it quickly. I'd have to talk to Jasper later.

"Alice!" The brunette behind the desk jumped up and came to give me a hug. "Where have you been? I've missed you around here."

"Hey Bree," I said, pulling out of her embrace. "Peter just said the same thing. Have I really been gone that long?"

"It seems like forever since I've seen you," she answered. "So what brings you to my little corner of the world?"

"Carlisle sent me to pick up some paperwork from the Judge," I told her. "Is he in?"

"He's running a bit late, but he should be here in about five minutes." She motioned to the chair for me to sit as she took her seat behind the desk. "So tell me what's been going on with you. Why haven't we seen you around?"

I blew out a frustrated breath. "This case has been running me ragged. In fact, I've been on the road for a while doing some research. I picked up some good information so it was worth it, but I'm just thankful to be back."

"Back with Jasper," she teased.

I couldn't hide my grin when she brought up Jasper. Bree was one of Jasper's old friends from college. They didn't see each other much anymore but they kept in touch as often as they could. We met about five months after Jasper and I started dating and became good friends. Over the years, she'd been my biggest cheerleader, always telling me how much he cared about me and wanted to marry me. That fact alone made me want to tell her that he was finally going to pop the question, but I couldn't risk Jasper finding out that I knew. So I kept my mouth shut.

"Of course. You have no idea how hard it was…"

My ringing phone cut off my sentence.

"Speak of the devil." Bree giggled.

"Shut up." I waved a hand at her and pulled my phone from my purse. "Hey Jazz, Bree and I were just…" I trailed off as Judge Banner walked through the door.

"Alice, you…"

"Sorry Jazz, I'm going to have to call you back."

"No Ali, wait."

A pang of guilt hit me as I heard his final words before ending the call. I wanted to talk to him but, at the moment, meeting with the judge was more important.

"Ms. Brandon," he said gruffly, "to what do I owe the pleasure."

Quickly, I jumped up from the chair. "Mr. Cullen sent me to pick up…"

"Oh right. Follow me." He led me to his office and opened the door for me to enter. "How is Carlisle doing these days?" he asked as he closed the door and removed his suit jacket.

"Working hard, as always," I answered.

"Odd that I haven't seen him in my courtroom for a while."

He was moving through his office while he spoke, checking mail, opening and closing drawers, pulling papers out as he went. When he finally sat behind his desk, he put on a pair of glasses and grabbed a pen.

"Now, as I've explained to Carlisle, this order is in effect for ten days." He finished signing, pulled his glasses off and glared at me. "There are no exceptions."

Judge Banner folded the papers and handed them to me. "Thank you, Sir. This will help immensely."

"Now, if you don't mind," he looked at his watch, "I must prepare for court."

Putting the papers in my purse, I thanked him again and hurried out of his office. Judge Banner was a surly man, always short with people no matter who they were. But he was a fair man and Carlisle was his friend so he was able to go to him in times of need. And this was definitely one of those times.

I said goodbye to Bree on the way out, promising to call her soon and left the office. I had to get the order filed and a copy sent to the prison before it was too late. After riding the elevator back down to the first floor, I went to the administration office. Luckily, at nine in the morning, there wasn't much of a wait. After ten minutes, I stepped up to the desk and handed the clerk the signed document and waited while she typed the information into the system.

The clerk had just finished and I was leaving the building when my phone rang again. Seeing Jasper's face on the screen made me smile and I hit the button quickly to answer.

"Hey Jazz, what…?"

"Alice," he yelled, cutting me off.

In all the years I'd known him, Jasper had never raised his voice to me. Something was wrong. I froze in the middle of the sidewalk, halfway to my car.

"Jazz?"

"Alice," he yelled again, "where is Carlisle?"

"I…I…" I couldn't get the words out, a little shaken with the way he was shouting at me.

"Where!"

"I don't know!" I screamed back.

"Aren't you with him?"

He wasn't yelling anymore but his voice was still a loud growl.

"No, I came straight to the courthouse today."

"Find him, Alice," he ordered. "You have to find him."

"Jazz, what's wrong? You're scaring me."

Tears were rolling down my cheeks as a million scenarios played out in my head. I had always worried about him when he left in the morning. Working in a prison, anything could happen and I always feared the worst.

Jasper had always tried to make me feel better by saying that his job wasn't dangerous because he worked in a women's prison and, statistically, there were considerably less inmate-to-guard injuries and it was extremely rare for an inmate to kill a guard.

Leave it to Jasper to quote statistics when it came to alleviating my worries, but that was who was – a walking encyclopedia of facts the rest of the world could care less about. Only this time, there was no statistic in the world that could make me stop worrying when he sounded so panicked, because Jasper never panicked. He was always the calm one.

Until now.

"It's Bella." My heart dropped. "She's hurt really bad. They rushed her to the hospital an hour ago and I can't get Carlisle on the phone. I've called his cell, the house and the office and I can't get him anywhere. Paul's not answering and I've been trying to call you all morning. You have to find him, Alice." He barely stopped to take a breath. "Find him and get him to the hospital."

"Where is she?" I cried and ran to my car.

"I don't know. I don't know which hospital they took her to. Check the two closest to here and you'll find her. They'll have guards stationed at her door and Carlisle will be the only one to get in." If I didn't know better, I would swear Jasper was crying. "You have to hurry, Ali. Please, you have to hurry."

I'd heard Jasper cry once in our seven years together and I had to know what caused it now.

"What happened, Jazz?"

"It was my fault. I wasn't watching when she came in. Couldn't get to her fast enough." His voice sounded so sad and broken. "Eight girls. There was blood everywhere, Ali. I couldn't help her. I told her I would be there for her, but I couldn't help her."

The sound of him breaking down made me cry. "It's not your fault, Jazz. You always do what you can. Bella won't blame you."

"But I didn't help her."

"Jasper Whitlock!" I yelled into the phone, unwilling to let him take the blame for what happened. "You are not to blame for this."

"Ali…"

"No!" I forcefully cut off his words. "I know you, Jasper. It's not like you stood there and watched. I know you tried to get to her. I know you tried to stop it. You can't blame yourself for being too late. Things happen, especially in there, and there's nothing you can do about it." I heard his breathing slow to a semi-normal pace.

"She was in so much pain she couldn't even open her eyes at the end, Ali," he choked out. "But she knew me, though. She recognized my voice. That should be a good thing, right?"

"Yes, Jazz, it's a very good thing," I assured him. "She'll remember you were there for her in the end."

"Please, Ali," he pleaded, "find Carlisle. He has to get to her. He has to make sure she's alright."

"I'll find him, Jazz," I promised. "She _will_ be okay. She has to be."

Promising to call him when I had news, I told him I loved him and ended the call. I pulled out of my parking space a little recklessly and sped out of the parking lot to find Carlisle.

The house was closer and ten minutes later, I was pounding on his front door. When he didn't answer, I used my key and rushed into the house screaming his name. Every room on every floor was empty so I ran back to my car and headed toward the office.

We both had errands to run this morning so he shouldn't have been here but when I saw his car in the small lot, I breathed a sigh of relief. I pulled in sideways, not bothering with a parking space, killed the engine and jumped out of the car. I nearly broke my shoulder when I ran into the locked office door.

"Damn it," I growled as I pulled out my key.

He was here. There was no reason for the door to be locked. The lock clicked and I threw open the door and hurried to his office. What I saw made me want to kill him.

"You son of a bitch!" I screamed and ran, pushing his sleeping body, jolting him awake.

"Alice?"

"You're fucking drinking! Again!"

"No, I…"

"She could be dead and you'd never know 'cause you can't stop drinking this shit!" I threw the half empty vodka bottle, shattering it against the wall. "That's it! I've had enough. I can't do this with you anymore!" I turned and ran from his office.

Carlisle was on me before I could pull the door open, fingers around my arm, jerking me to a stop.

"Alice, what wrong? Who's-"

My slap silenced him. "You said you care about her. You're supposed to be there for her! How can you let her down like this?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Bella!" I yanked my arm away from him. "She's lying in some hospital somewhere all alone because you can't stop drinking long enough to pick up the fucking phone!"

"She's what!" he yelled and grabbed both of my arms roughly. "How could you not fucking tell me, Alice? Where the fuck is she?" His grip tightened as he shook me.

"Get the fuck off me!" I struggled against him.

"Where is she?" he yelled again as he released his hold.

"Don't ever touch me like that again!" I slapped him harder than before. "Jasper will kill you when he finds out."

His face changed, looking horrified. "God, Alice I'm sorry."

Before I could take a breath, Carlisle drew me to his chest, pinning my arms to my side.

"Forgive me, Alice, please. You know I would never…"

He trailed off and I heard the regret in his voice, but I was pissed. He promised me he wasn't drinking anymore, not like he used to. Yet, here he was passed out on his desk when Bella needed him the most.

Releasing me and taking a step back, he grabbed my hand gently. "Tell me what happened, Alice. Please, tell me where she is. If she's okay?"

I yanked my hand away. "I'll be waiting in the car."

~oOo~

The closest hospital to the prison was still an hour drive from our office. The last information Jasper could give me was that Bella was in surgery and he was only able to get that information by eavesdropping on a conversation between the warden and the prison doctor.

Carlisle spent the first thirty-five minutes of the drive talking to and texting Bree, hoping to get Judge Banner to sign an emergency waiver so he would be allowed access to Bella for the duration of her stay in the hospital.

"Finally." The phone had barely started ringing before he answered it. "Is it done?" He let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Bree. You have no idea… I know… I know… And I'm sorry for that, but this was an emergency. I'll call him later and talk to him. You won't…"

Bree was obviously upset. I couldn't make out the words, but I could hear her yelling at him from where I was sitting. I glanced over to see Carlisle with a death grip on a handful of hair.

"I'll make it up to you, I promise." He listened for a minute. "I don't know. Think of something, anything and it'll be done. Thank you, Bree."

He hung up the phone and leaned forward with his head in his hands. The tension in the car was thick but I didn't dare speak. He was barely holding himself together as it was. I refused to take my anger out on him too. So, I drove, letting the silence fill the car.

Five minutes later, his quiet voice startled me.

"I wasn't drunk." Carlisle sat back, staring out the window. "I won't do that again. Not now. Not with Bella's life on the line."

Not ready to talk yet, I kept my focus on the road.

"I know what you saw and what you're thinking, but I didn't do it. I only had a half a glass last night when I got back to the office, just to calm my nerves a bit." He exhaled loudly. "You didn't see her face when I asked her about Masen. I could have physically pulled her heart from her chest and I don't think it would have hurt her as much as it did when I said his name. The entire drive back to the office, all I saw was the hurt and pain in her eyes."

He sat quietly for few minutes before continuing. "I didn't want to go home so I spent the night transcribing the recording of our meeting. I figured it would save you a bit of work. You just got back and I didn't want to dump it on you."

"That's my job, Carlisle," I said without thinking.

"Is it?" I glanced away from the road to see him turn toward me. "After what I just did to you, Alice, how could you want to be anywhere near me, let alone work for me?"

I'd been asking myself the same question since we left the office. I had played the whole confrontation over and over in my head and I'd contemplated quitting, severing all ties with him and finding another job. I knew plenty of firms that would hire me. But then I remembered the man he really was.

Carlisle was one of the best men I'd ever met in my life. He wasn't a violent man. Sure he got angry sometimes – what man didn't – but he would never hurt a woman. Now that he was working on this case and saw firsthand what that kind of abuse did to Bella, I knew he would rather cut his hands off before he touched a woman in anger. It wasn't in his nature.

He did what he did because he was worried and maybe a little scared. He had never come out and said the words but I could see it in his eyes, he loved Bella. To think she was hurt in any way was bad enough, but to be told she was in the hospital, possibly dead, he panicked. His only thought was to get to her and I had the answers he needed to find her.

His worry didn't excuse the way he grabbed me but I started to think about what Jasper would do if the situation were reversed. Even being the gentleman he was, I could imagine him reacting exactly as Carlisle did if someone were to tell him I'd been hurt. And it was that comparison that made up my mind.

"I won't say that I'm not hurt or disappointed in you right now, because I am." I felt the sting of tears in my eyes but blinked fast to hold them back. We couldn't afford an accident now. "I know how you feel about her, Carlisle, and I know your one and only thought at the time was to get to her, but that doesn't justify what you did."

"I'm so sorry, Alice. I never…"

I held up my hand to stop him. "I know you never meant to hurt me and I know you'll never ever let it happen again. You're too good for that." Keeping my eyes trained on the road rushing past us, I released a hand from the wheel and reached over and grabbed his hand. "You're not just my boss, Carlisle. You're one of the best friends I have and I know if anything ever happened to me, you would be just as passionate about getting to me and helping me as you are with Bella. It's for that reason alone that I can forgive you."

He actually kissed the back of my hand. "I know what I did was so horribly wrong and nothing I could do will ever make up for hurting you. The fact that you could ever consider forgiving me means the world to me, so thank you. From the bottom of my heart, Alice…thank you."

"Besides," I said, hoping to lighten the mood, "you wouldn't survive one day without me and you know it."

"You _are_ my right hand," he admitted. I huffed. "And my left," he conceded grudgingly.

"And don't you forget it."

We laughed together for a few minutes, breaking the tension that had never existed between us before. When the silence returned to the car, Carlisle spoke.

"She has to be okay, Alice." He sounded so dejected. "I can't lose her. Not now. Not before we…"

His voice cracked, cutting him off mid-sentence. My heart ached for him. I was just about to respond when he continued.

"I know it's a long shot. Something so far out of the realm of possibility that I shouldn't even be considering it, but I can't stop myself from hoping that one day, when this is all over, she could see me as someone worthy of her affections." He was staring out the window again.

"You're more than worthy, Carlisle," I assured him. "She's protecting herself right now. She has to in order to survive in there. But once this is over, once she's finally free, she'd be a fool not to see how amazing you are and fall head over heels in love with you."

"She's already in love," he mumbled.

"You know that's over."

"You didn't see her face. She still loves him…deeply. I can't compete with that." Before I could respond, he unbuckled his seatbelt. "Let me out here," he said urgently as I pulled into the hospital's parking lot near the emergency entrance.

I slammed on the brakes, jerking the car to a stop. He turned to say something else to me but I waved a hand at him. "I'll find you. Just go."

"Thanks," was his final word as he slammed the car door shut and disappeared into the hospital.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**Carlisle**

"Isabella Swan, _please_."

The nurse behind the desk raised an eyebrow and I knew she could hear the desperation in my voice. I had to keep it together, keep things professional. No one here could ever know what Bella really meant to me.

Unable to get a handle on my nerves, I shifted from foot to foot, causing her to look warily at me before turning to her computer.

"Swan. Swan," she mumbled while she typed.

Her fingers stopped suddenly and her brow furrowed. She quickly looked from me to the computer.

"Umm…I'm sorry, Sir. It seems that Ms. Swan is a high security patient and no one is allowed to see her." Her eyes were sympathetic as they slid back to me.

I was ready for her answer. "I understand, but she's my client and the paperwork giving me permission to see her was sent here about thirty minutes ago."

"And your name?"

"Carlisle Cullen."

She started typing again and frowned. "I'm sorry, Mr. Cullen. There is no record in the system of…"

Both our heads snapped to my right as a paper was slammed to the counter in front of me.

"Bree called." She smiled. "She sent it to the front desk by mistake and they hadn't logged it in yet," Alice said, breathing a heavily. She must have run the entire way here.

The nurse took the paper and started typing the information into the system. I turned and hugged Alice tight.

"Told you so." She winked at me as she pulled back.

"Ms. Swan is still in surgery," the nurse said. "There is a waiting room around the corner. I'll inform the head nurse that you're here."

"Thank you." I grabbed Alice's hand and walked around the corner.

Forty minutes and three cups of bad coffee later, the doctor shuffled into the waiting room, pulling the cover from his head. Since Alice and I were the only two in the room, he knew who I was and addressed me directly.

"Mr. Cullen," I took his outstretched hand, "I'm Doctor Reyes. Please have a seat so we can talk."

The solemn look on his face worried me and I did as he requested. Alice took the chair next to me and grabbed my hand in support. She was the only one of us who hadn't met Bella yet but she cared about her and this was just as hard for her as it was for me and even Jasper.

After finding my phone dead, I had to use Alice's phone to check my messages, not only on my cell but at home and the office. There were fourteen messages from Jasper, each one more frantic than the one before it. He was worried for her and upset that he couldn't help her and when he couldn't get in touch with us, it got worse.

I felt horrible for not answering any of his calls but I hadn't gotten a decent night's sleep in weeks and the exhaustion completely overwhelmed me. I didn't hear the phone ring once. It was then that the guilt took over. It wasn't just Bella; I was letting every one of them down.

"We were able to stop the bleeding." The doctor's voice interrupted my thoughts.

"I'm sorry…what?" I asked, shaking my head.

Alice squeezed my hand as the doctor began his explanation again.

"Ms. Swan was brought in with a broken nose and wrist, several lacerations on her face, neck and chest, two broken ribs and a ruptured spleen."

I cringed as he listed her injuries. With James gone, I never expected her to suffer another beating like this. This incident alone proved how badly I had failed her. I didn't know what I was thinking. I couldn't protect her.

"As serious as the rupture could have been, it wasn't as bad as we had originally thought, just a slight tear, and we were able to stop the bleeding and repair it. She's going to be sore for a while but it will heal and she'll be fine." He took a heavy breath. "I am concerned, though."

I heard a whimper from Alice as my fingers clenched around hers. Regretting it instantly, I let go of her hand.

"I was studying Ms. Swan's x-rays and it appears she's had a number of broken bones over the years. Some, I could tell, were properly set but there were others that were left to set on their own."

I saw his skeptical look and jumped in to offer an explanation. "Ms. Swan lived in an abusive relationship for quite some time. During that time there were several instances when she wasn't taken to a hospital to receive treatment."

"I understand." He simply nodded and went on. "It actually explains some of my other concerns."

"Concerns?" I turned his final word into a question.

"There is evidence of several concussions and I'm worried." His eyes moved between me and Alice. "With all the head injuries she's suffered, I can't say with absolute certainty that she will fully recover from her current injuries."

The air felt like it had been sucked from the room and I suddenly couldn't breathe. My hand moved to my chest, rubbing at the tightness starting to build. My eyes fell to the floor and the doctor's words were lost as I thought about what this could mean for her.

Unable to sit still, I was out of my chair, pacing the room. I thought I heard Alice's voice but I was so lost in my own head that the sound meant nothing.

How was this any kind of justice? How could she have lived through and survived all she did with James only to lose her fight now? It's not fair. It's not fair.

"I know, honey. I know."

I didn't realize I had spoken until Alice's arms wrapped around me, comforting me. My arms automatically wound around her, my head lying on top of hers as I clenched my eyes shut, fighting against the tears.

"Mr. Cullen." The doctor cleared his throat.

Alice squeezed me once and let go, taking a stand just behind my right arm while she held my hand as I turned to face the doctor.

"I'm sorry. It's quite obvious how difficult this is for the two of you but with just the brief history you've given me and the severity of her injuries, I need to know that precautions will be taken once she returns to the correctional facility."

It bothered me to watch him cringe as he said the last two words. It was a stigma, as if only the worst of society ended up there. He had no idea who she was and what she lived through to end up there.

"To be blunt, Mr. Cullen," he continued, breaking me from my thoughts, "with the injuries she has sustained, a single blow to the head could be life threatening." His hands played with his hat nervously. "And another attack like today will most certainly kill her."

The tightness gripped my chest harder than before. I fell into the chair behind me, unable to hold myself up anymore. Bella couldn't die. I wouldn't let her…

Doctor Reyes continued talking; his words were a dull noise in my ears, barely keeping me from falling off the deep end. Pictures of Bella's lifeless body assaulted my mind. My head fell into my hands but before I completely fell over the edge, a loud voice pulled me back.

"Just tell me where the fuck she is!"

"Oh no," Alice said and ran from the room.

I followed her, turning into the hallway to see Paul shoving a security guard just as Alice ran up and forced herself between the two.

"I'm sorry Mr. Cullen," Dr. Reyes grabbed my arm to stop me, "but I have to get back."

His words took my attention away from the fight brewing down the hall. I knew Paul well enough to know he'd never endanger Alice, so I trusted her to handle the situation for a few minutes. The doctor released my arm and I turned to give him my full attention.

"When can I see her?" I asked, my voice strained.

"She'll be moved to recovery soon and then moved again to a permanent room in about an hour." He placed a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry. I can see how much you care about her and I wish I had better news for you." He offered me his other hand and I took it. "The next twenty-four hours are critical and we'll know more in the morning. Try to keep your spirits up until then."

As if it was that easy. The woman who meant more to me than anyone in the world was lying in some hospital bed so badly beaten that her life was on the line. How could I keep my spirits up? The next twenty-four hours were going to kill me.

"Carlisle!" Paul's angry voice cut through my thoughts.

My head snapped in his direction and I saw a wild look in his eyes. It was disconcerting and I gave Alice a quick nod, silently asking her to take Paul into the waiting room.

Dr. Reyes turned to walk away but I stopped him. "Doctor. May I ask a favor?"

"Of course."

"I'm sorry for the trouble he's caused but Mr. Mendez," I waved a hand toward the door Alice and Paul just walked through, "is one of Ms. Swan's closest friends." I paused for a breath before continuing. "I know it probably goes against hospital protocol to allow anyone in the recovery room, but he's extremely worried and this will be the _only_ time he'll be able to visit her. Can you please find it in your heart to let him in for just a moment so he could see her and tell her he's here with her?"

His brow furrowed and I saw the answer in his eyes. Before he could say no, I jumped in again.

"I know there's a guard waiting to cover her room once she's been moved and, believe me, I understand why he must be stationed there. But Mr. Mendez also a guard; he just wasn't assigned to this detail."

"Mr. Cullen, I don't…"

"Believe me I understand the severity of my request. And what I'm asking could get a lot of people in trouble. To be perfectly honest with you, Dr. Reyes, he really shouldn't be here, but he and Ms. Swan formed a very unlikely friendship and he could lose his job if it the truth of their relationship ever became known."

He didn't look like he was going to give in so I tried again, appealing to his heart as a doctor.

"I know it's helpful for patients to hear the voices of their family and friends while they're unconscious and I know it would help her tremendously to hear _his_ voice. Just once." Staring at him intently, I held out hope that he would give in.

Under normal circumstances I would have never asked for such a thing. I lived my life by the law and asking someone to break even the smallest of rules went against everything I stood for. But, from the moment she'd opened up to me, I vowed to do anything to keep Bella safe and protected and happy, including breaking a few rules myself. I didn't like it but this time, however, it seemed necessary.

I hadn't known him long, but I had learned quickly that Paul always fought with passion for anything he believed worthy of the fight. And I had seen that passion magnified a hundred times over from the moment he and Bella became so close. He was fiercely protective of her and would take on anyone or anything that threatened her.

It was the intensity he always had when it came to her that had me worried now, because now it was gone. Fear, worry and panic had taken its place. It was in his eyes and it unnerved me. He needed to see Bella and I knew this was the only opportunity I could give him without jeopardizing everything he lived for.

"I can't believe I'm doing this," Doctor Reyes mumbled to himself as he scrubbed his hands over his face. With a heavy sigh, he said, "I'll give him two minutes. I cannot offer more than that."

With relief, I answered, "It's more than generous. Thank you, Doctor."

"Give me a few minutes to check on her and then I'll send the nurse for him."

He shook his head as he turned and rushed down the hall. I stormed into the waiting room. Paul was pacing the room, looking like a wild animal.

"What is wrong with you, Paul?" I growled as quietly as I could. "You shouldn't be here."

He didn't stop moving, didn't even look at me. "I was sleeping. Jasper left messages. Said she was hurt. Could be dead."

His voice shook as he spoke in clipped sentences. This was nothing close to the normal fire that usually filled his voice when he spoke about Bella. I looked to Alice who just shrugged and stayed out of his way.

"Paul?"

It was like he didn't hear me at all.

"She wanted to talk. I should have talked to her. This is my fault."

"Paul." Stepping in front of him, I grabbed his shoulders to stop him, shaking him a bit to get his attention. "None of this is your fault."

Staring at him, I'd never seen him look so desperate.

"She begged. All fucking night, she begged me but I was still pissed. She was crying so hard and I ignored her. She needed me and I wasn't there."

"Be there for her now, Paul." His eyes asked the question his mouth couldn't put words to. "A nurse will be here soon to take you to see her. You'll only have a few minutes, but you can talk to her. Apologize to her. Reassure her and let her know you're here for her now and nothing like this will ever happen again."

"She' won't even know I'm there."

"The two of you have a connection, Paul. She _will_ hear you…just talk to her."

"Excuse me, Mr. Cullen." A quiet voice tore my attention from Paul. "I can take him in now."

"Thank you." Turning back to him, I said, "Go. Tell her what's in your heart, Paul. She'll hear you. I promise."

* * *

**If you ask me, I think Bella took the selfish way out without thinking of how her actions would affect the people that care about her. Now they're all paying the price.**

**Now, I have to say thank you to whoever rec'd this story. I've gotten more favs and alerts in the past few weeks than I have since I started writing this one. I know it's a tough subject matter so please know it makes me immensely happy that you like it enough to join me on this journey.**

**And, for those of you who have been with me from the beginning, I love all each and every one of you too; you mean more to me than you will ever know. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	27. Crushed By Guilt

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH because, without them, I'd be a neurotic mess. I love you both so much.**

**A/N: Just a quick note for you… I don't like to do this very often but since you're getting to hear the story from a whole different pov, I had to back up a bit. This chapter will start very early in the day before Bella got into her fight. Now, this is probably the only time he'll have his own pov but, after the last chapter, he felt it was time to clear up a few things. So, I'll quit talking so you can hear what he has to say.**

* * *

**Chapter 27 – Crushed By Guilt**

**Paul**

**February 24, 2010**

I had never been so glad to see 5am in my life. This had been one of the worst nights I'd had in a long time and the shit with Bella didn't help matters at all. The fight we'd gotten into the night before was still weighing on me and I wasn't ready to talk to her yet.

Bella was an amazing woman, so tough and strong yet so insanely fragile the contradiction confused the hell out of me. I had to know what made her who she was and the night I heard her crying, I took my chance. Our friendship came fast and she found a way into my heart soon after. I loved her, there was no denying it. She was like the little sister I never had.

And just like a little sister, she infuriated the hell out of me.

I had already made my promise to both Carlisle and Jasper that I would help watch over her and keep her safe. But the moment I began to care about her, I made another promise to her to protect her in every way possible, whether it be from others or from herself. And that was exactly what I was doing last night.

I'd been telling her from the beginning that keeping things from Carlisle wasn't getting her anywhere. She needed to realize that, as much as I wanted to help her and be there for her, I wasn't the only one she should be talking to. I could give her a shoulder to cry on or offer her advice when she needed it, but I couldn't do for her what he could. She needed to trust Carlisle and tell him the things she would tell me at night, but she wouldn't. It was like she was trying to sabotage her own defense and I wouldn't allow her to do that.

Bella had already frustrated me when she told me for the tenth time that she wasn't willing to give Carlisle one of the most important pieces of information he had asked for, but when she told me they had argued and she'd accused him of using her to further his career, I was livid.

Before they'd asked for my help, I knew Carlisle by reputation alone. He'd won his fair share of tough cases and people knew if someone were in serious trouble, he was the one to call. He'd already made a name for himself; he didn't need her case to do it. When I heard what she had said to him, all of Jasper's words came rushing back to me.

He had told me Alice was worried because Carlisle had completely given up everything for this case. He'd shut himself off from other clients, he'd given up all of his free time and he'd let go of anything that didn't have to do with Bella's defense. It had completely consumed him and he was working himself ragged, leaving no stone unturned to ensure the win and get her home. And, to make matters worse, somewhere along the line, he had fallen for her, which had to make things infinitely more difficult for him.

So, to hear her selfishly disregard everything Carlisle had done and was still doing for her pissed me off and I lost it. I would be the first to admit that I shouldn't have said some of the things I did, but I didn't regret telling her what she needed to hear before walking away.

Bella's defense depended on Carlisle's ability to get the jury to believe she had no other choice than to do what she did, but he couldn't do that without knowing everything James had done. As much as I hated to do it, I walked away from her, telling her that I was done helping her until she helped herself.

It was tough love at its finest but until Carlisle told me she'd talked to him about everything, I couldn't be her crutch any longer. Seeing her broken and crying last night nearly killed me, but I had to walk away. I couldn't give her what she wanted because our relationship was standing in the way of her defense and I would not be the reason she was locked up here forever. I cared about her too much for that.

The cold metal of the locker felt good as I rested my forehead against it, letting my worries go for another night. Bella would be safe in Jasper's hands for the next twelve hours and hopefully by the time I saw her again, Carlisle would have called and said she'd finally given in and I could have my sister back.

"You look like shit." Jasper laughed, clapping a hand on my shoulder as he passed me to get to his locker.

"I'm sure," I mumbled under my breath as I lifted my head to look at him. "I feel like shit," I answered. "These twelve hour days are really getting to me."

"I know the feeling. Alice just got home and I couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to have a decent conversation with her."

He sounded frustrated and I knew what was causing it.

"You haven't asked her yet?"

"I wanted to do it last night." He hung his jacket up and pulled his gun belt out of the locker. "I had it all planned, low lights, soft music, nice dinner…"

"You're such a fucking girl, you know that?" I laughed at him.

I loved to give Jasper shit whenever he'd tell me the things he'd do for Alice. I couldn't blame him, though, because I'd probably do the same thing if I'd found a woman worth my time.

"Fuck you. You're just jealous."

Though I would never admit it to him, I kind of was. Jasper and Alice had a great relationship. In another one of his 'girl' moments, he had described it as a once in a lifetime kind of love. I really did envy what they had but I didn't think I was ready for it myself. I was having fun living the bachelor life but when the time came, I wanted to find someone that would be to me what Alice was to him.

"Jealous…right," I said sarcastically.

Ignoring me, he continued. "It was her first night back and I was ready but when I went in the room to change, I passed out. All I remember was her waking me up to tell me she was home."

"There's always tonight, though."

"Yeah but I wanted her to come home to something special, you know."

"Jasper, Alice isn't going to care how you do it. You could ask her over a tray full of McDonald's french fries and she'd be happy." I shrugged. "She just wants you to ask."

"She does love french fries." He tapped his chin as he thought about it. "Ow fucker," he growled after I punched him.

"Dude, seriously, I was just kidding. I think Carlisle would even kick your ass if he found out you pulled some shit like that."

"Do you really think I'm an idiot?" He rubbed his arm where my fist landed. "Alice would have my head if I ever gave a single thought to an idea that stupid. She may act like she doesn't care but my girl loves romance and I'm gonna give her that."

"Such a fucking girl," I teased him as I hung my gun belt and grabbed my jacket. "I better head out before I drop. Keep our girl safe today."

Turning to leave, I waved as Jasper responded, "You know it."

~oOo~

My body jerked upright, my eyes blurry with sleep as I was jolted awake. My mind couldn't catch up fast enough to know what it was that woke me up and I sat in the dark, silent room listening for anything that seemed out of place. A few minutes passed with nothing and I fell back into the pillows, the heels of my hands rubbing my eyes.

Tired as I was, I couldn't afford to have anything interrupting my sleep. Facing another twelve-hour day would be hell without at least six hours. Smoothing out the blankets, I settled in and closed my eyes.

Just as my body began to relax, the phone in the front room started to ring. Groaning, I grabbed the pillow next to me and covered my head to silence the noise. It worked sufficiently enough and I was able fall back to sleep. Comfort didn't last long, though, as my phone started ringing again.

"Fuck."

Untangling myself from the blankets, I threw my legs over the edge of the bed and forced myself to get up and stumble to the living room. Of course, the damn thing stopped ringing before I reached it, so I made my way to the bathroom instead.

On my way back to bed, I saw my cell phone blinking on the nightstand. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I picked up my phone and squinted at the bright light as it lit up the darkened room.

"What the hell?" I muttered as I saw thirteen missed calls and six messages from Jasper.

A sick feeling settled in my stomach. There would only be one reason Jasper called me like this…Bella. With shaking hands, I pressed the button and held the phone to my ear.

"_Paul, it's Jasper. Call me back."_

Jasper sounded panicked which was unnerving because Jasper never panicked. He was the calmest, most level-headed man I'd ever met and an intense fear took over as I pushed the button to hear the second message.

"_Fuck! Answer your fucking phone!"_

And the third.

"_Damn it, Paul, it's Bella. She's hurt…bad. She needs you."_

The fourth knocked all the air from my lungs.

"_She's gone, Paul. They took her to the hospital and I don't know where she is. I don't know if she's okay. She could be dead for all I know and no one will answer their fucking phone."_

In seconds, I was in the kitchen searching the phonebook for the closest hospital. Another second, the phone was ringing. A woman answered but I cut her off before she finished her greeting.

"Isabella Swan," I roared. "Please."

"Excuse me?"

I took a breath to calm down. "I'm looking for Isabella Swan. Is she there? I mean, has she been admitted?"

"One moment please."

I paced the kitchen while she checked.

"Come on." She was taking too long. "Come on."

I froze when I heard her voice. "I'm sorry, Sir, there has been no one by that name admitted in the last twenty-four hours. Do you…"

Ending the call, I ran my finger down the page in the phone book, looking for the next closest hospital. As I found the number, I punched it in and began pacing again as I waited for someone to answer. When a woman picked up, I quickly asked for Bella and waited, again, while the operator searched for her.

"Yes, Sir, Ms. Swan was brought in this morning but I'm sorry, that's all the information I'm allowed to share."

I was in my room before she finished her sentence, pulling clothes from their hangers.

"Thank you. That's all I need."

Ending the call, I threw the phone on the bed and rushed to get dressed. Grabbing my jacket off the chair and pulling my keys out of the pocket, I ran through the door and into the garage, pushing the button to raise the door as I passed.

Jasper's first call was more than three hours ago, anything could have happened to her by now. I had to hurry. I needed speed, so I passed my car and jumped on my bike, firing it up and pulling out of the garage. Seeing no cars on the street, my tires squealed as I tore out of the driveway.

The speed limit meant nothing to me as I flew through the streets and I thanked God I didn't live too far away. Of the four of us, I lived the closest to the prison, so once I hit the highway, it was only a fifteen-minute drive to the hospital and I prayed I didn't run into any cops along the way. My stomach was already twisted up enough; I didn't need anything to make me later than I already was.

After what seemed like hours, I pulled into the parking lot, finding a space quickly. The instant the engine died, I was running for the emergency room doors. Skidding to a halt at the nurse's station, I gripped the counter as I asked the nurse where Bella was.

"I'm sorry, Sir," she answered, not looking sorry at all. "Ms. Swan is not allowed any visitors."

"But I have to see her," I pleaded with her. "She's my…"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry. Your relationship aside, rules are rules and, in this case, the rules state that she is not allowed visitors."

"Fuck!"

Pushing away from the counter, I turned my back on the nurse who was still yapping behind me. She wasn't going to help me so I couldn't care less what she had to say. I had to think…figure out what to do. Then it hit me and I pulled my phone out of my pocket.

I dialed Alice first. With Jasper being so frantic earlier, there's no way he didn't call Alice and tell her what happened. Three rings later and her phone went to voicemail.

Carlisle. She was his client. He had to know she was here. Just as it was with Alice, his phone rang a few times and went to voicemail.

Jasper was my last hope. Maybe he would know more about Bella or where I could find Carlisle or Alice to get answers.

"Son of a fucking bitch," I growled when his phone also went to voicemail.

"Sir," the nurse called out angrily, "this is a hospital. If you can't calm down, I will have you escorted out."

Ignoring her completely, I continued to pace, dialing each phone one after another with no answer. How could all three of them be so busy that they couldn't answer a single fucking phone call?

My anxiety level was so high, I could snap at any minute. With no answers, my mind was left to wonder, always coming back to the worst scenario possible as Jasper's message played in my head.

'_She could be dead for all I know.'_

No! I refused to believe that. Bella was a fighter and she wouldn't let whatever happened take her down now, especially not after all she'd lived through. Whatever this was she was going to get through it. She had to. She just had to.

I couldn't take the waiting and pacing was just making me more nervous. After making another round of calls, I shoved the phone back in my pocket and moved to sit in one of the chairs. Before I could take my seat, a door just passed the nurse's desk opened. I could see down the empty hallway and instinct told me, if I had any hope of seeing Bella, I just had to start opening doors.

Chancing a quick glance at the now distracted nurse, I moved slowly to the other side of the room but as I approached the door, she spotted me. I heard her call security as I took off running.

I expected the guard to come at me from behind, so when I glanced back and didn't see anyone, I thought I was in the clear. Turning my head back a bit too late, I ran right into a different guard. His arms wrapped around me but I fought easily out of his grasp.

"I need to see Isabella Swan," I yelled at him.

"I can't help you. Now, you need to go."

"Just tell me where the fuck she is!"

He moved to grab me again but I knocked his hands away. He was about to come at me again when a small body slammed into mine. With pleading eyes and a hand on my chest, Alice turned and spoke to the guard.

"Please, he's with us. He doesn't want to cause any trouble." She turned back to me and spoke with a fake sweetness. "Do you, Paul?"

The fuck I didn't. These people were keeping me from Bella and I didn't care who I had to go through to see her.

"No." I forced the word through gritted teeth. "I just want to see Bella."

Alice turned fully to the guard. "I'm sorry and I promise, my boss and I will take full responsibility for him and keep him out of trouble."

"Ma'am, I'm sorry but…"

"Please," she begged, "he's just worried about his sister. He doesn't mean any harm."

Oh I meant to do a hell of a lot of harm if they didn't let me see Bella soon.

Alice held a hand out to the man. "Please."

He grabbed her hand and bowed his head a little. "Yes, ma'am." Then his eyes focused on me, a finger pointed in my direction. "Any more trouble…"

"There won't be any more trouble," Alice assured him and he walked away, eyeing me the whole way.

When he was out of sight, my arms circled Alice's shoulders. "How is she, Alice? Is Bella alright?"

She backed out of my arms and panic hit me like a ton of bricks when I saw her face fall.

"No, she's not." She grabbed one of my hands. "Come with me and I'll explain everything."

She led me toward the waiting room but I wanted answers now.

"Carlisle!"

I tried to get his attention but he just glanced at me before nodding to Alice as she led me in the room. That one glance was enough to twist my insides into knots because I could see the pain he was in. That one glance told me whatever happened to Bella was far worse than I ever feared.

My stomach turned as Alice told me what she could about Bella's fight. She told me how Bella attacked Victoria and then eight other girls jumped her, beating her unconscious. Alice said that Jasper thought she was protecting some blonde girl. She couldn't even remember her name, but I knew exactly who he was talking about.

Rosalie Hale was good kid who'd gotten mixed up with some bad people, landing herself in prison and Bella always felt sorry for her. She hated herself for not jumping to her defense and protecting her when Victoria and Jane would start shit with her, but Bella knew it would give them more reason to attack her, ultimately causing more harm than good.

None of it made sense. Bella spent months ignoring the girl. Why would she jump in now and help her, especially when she wasn't thinking…

I had to choke back the bile that had risen in my throat as a wave of guilt crashed over me.

Bella _w__asn't_ thinking. Her mind wasn't right last night. She needed to talk. She needed to sort through the things in her head and I wasn't there for her. I had refused to help her, to calm her down like I always did. I knew how badly she would stress over things and just needed someone to bring her back down and help her think straight. Until last night, that was always me.

After our first fight, I promised her she could trust me. I promised to never let her down like that again and that was exactly what I did last night. And then this morning I made it worse. I should have been here. I should have been waiting the second she was brought in, but I wasn't.

"I was sleeping." I tried to rationalize but it felt like an excuse. "Jasper left messages. Said she was hurt. Could be dead."

If I had just heard the phone I would have been here with her where I belonged. No! Fuck that! If I didn't turn my back on her last night, she wouldn't be here at all.

"She wanted to talk. I should have talked to her. This is my fault."

I looked up when I felt a pair hands on my shoulders, shaking me. I was on the other side of the room, without realizing I'd even gotten out of my chair.

"None of this is your fault." Carlisle's sympathetic eyes nearly broke me.

How could he feel sympathy for me? The woman he loved was lying in a hospital bed because I was too stupid, too stubborn to realize she needed help.

"She begged. All fucking night, she begged me but I was still pissed. She was crying so hard and I ignored her. She needed me and I wasn't there," I told him, proving I wasn't worthy of his sympathy.

"Be there for her now, Paul."

My mouth opened and then closed again without a word. How could he not hate me for giving up on her?

"A nurse will be here soon to take you to see her. You'll only have a few minutes, but you can talk to her. Apologize to her. Reassure her and let her know you're here for her now and nothing like this will ever happen again."

Was he serious? He was going to send me in there to see her, knowing what I'd done. He was giving me the chance to apologize and try to make this up to her. I felt a small amount of hope before the reality of the situation smothered it.

"She' won't even know I'm there."

Alice had told me the doctor was keeping Bella sedated to help her heal. I could sit with her and apologize all I wanted to but it wouldn't make a difference. Bella was unconscious. She wouldn't hear any of it.

"The two of you have a connection, Paul," Carlisle told me. "She _w__ill_ hear you…just talk to her."

"Excuse me, Mr. Cullen." I turned to see a nurse in the doorway. "I can take him in now."

I turned back to him when he thanked her.

"Go. Tell her what's in your heart, Paul. She'll hear you. I promise."

His hands were still on my shoulders, so I reached up to grab one of his wrists. "Thank you."

He simply nodded his head.

Taking a deep breath, I turned back to the nurse. "I'm ready," I said and followed her from the room.

She walked a short way down the hall, quickly explaining the things I needed to know when I went in to see her. She reiterated what Alice had said, reminding me that Bella had been sedated, so she'd be sleeping when I saw her.

"That doesn't mean you can't talk to her," she assured me as she stopped in front of a door. "It'll really help her to hear your voice, to know you're here and that you care for her." With a small smile, she added, "That's something every patient needs."

"Thank you for letting me see her," I told her as I fought to keep my emotions in check.

I had to take a few deep breaths before I could walk in the room but it didn't matter. The second I saw Bella lying there completely pale with tubes and wires attached to her, I lost every ounce of air in my lungs as a strangled cry escaped me.

I was by her bed in a flash, holding her hand gently, my forehead touching her shoulder. "Oh God, Bella, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Tears fell and I could barely breathe but, with only two minutes, I had to keep it together long enough to talk to her. Still holding her hand, I leaned back a little to see her.

"I was angry and stupid and stubborn and probably a whole list of other things you might hate me for, and I wouldn't blame you one bit if you did. I'm the most horrible person in the world, Bella. I promised you I'd be there for you, but the first time you really needed me, I turned my back on you. What kind of person does that make me?

"I should have seen how much you needed me, but I didn't. I ignored it, ignored you because I thought I was helping you." I wiped my eyes. "God, that sounds ridiculous, doesn't it. I just didn't want you relying on me more than you should.

"I'm your friend, Bella. Your brother, if you'll still have me. But I can't get you out of there. That's Carlisle's job." I squeezed her hand. "He's fighting so hard for you, but he can't do it without your help. You have to tell him everything…even the hard stuff.

"I know there are things you don't want to talk about. Things that are so bad that they'll send you over the edge, but we're all here for you. Jasper, Alice, me and Carlisle, we're all here. We'll all stand by you and support you through every detail, every memory you have to face. I promise you that. You can always…"

A throat cleared behind me, stopping me from saying more.

"I'm sorry, Sir. It's time," the nurse said quietly.

Wiping my eyes again, I turned to face the nurse. "Just a few more seconds."

I could see in her eyes she wanted to say no, but I spoke first.

"Please."

Her face softened and let a tiny smile slip. "One more minute."

Nodding, she slipped back out the door and I turned back to Bella, leaning in to kiss her cheek.

"I hate myself for not being there for you last night but I swear to you on my life, Bella, I will never ever let you down again." I draped an arm over her chest gently, hoping not to hurt her and finally hugged her. "I wish you didn't have to go back there but please promise me, when you do that you'll be careful and take care of yourself." I kissed her cheek again and laid my cheek next to hers to whisper. "I almost lost you today and I don't think I can take that kind of pain again."

My eyes closed when I heard the door open again, so I kissed her cheek one more time before pulling back.

"I have to go now." I snuck another kiss to her forehead. "We all love you, Bella. Please fight hard and come back to us."

Letting go of her hand, I got up to leave, thanked the nurse for the extra time she allowed me to have and walked out of the room. Feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, my steps were sluggish as I entered the waiting room.

I hadn't even taken two steps into the room before Alice's tiny body slammed into me and she wrapped her arms around my waist. My arms slipped around her back and held her close while she cried. Staring down at Alice, movement in my peripheral vision turned my head to see Carlisle standing a few feet away looking hopeful.

"Thank you for letting me see her," was all I could say.

I wanted to smile, to say something that would reassure him in some way, but I couldn't. There wasn't anything good about this. Bella was alive and going to recover but she wasn't free, she wasn't going home after this. No, she had to go back to prison where anything could happen to her.

"How is she?" He looked and sounded like he was ready to lose it any minute.

I let Alice go and fell into the nearest chair, not wanting to be standing for any part of this conversation. Alice and Carlisle sat across from me, holding hands and waiting for the news. Unable to meet their eyes, I focused on their joined hands while I spoke.

"Not good," I told them, reaching up to rub the back of my neck. "Tubes and wires everywhere, bruises covering her face and arms and she looks so pale..." I stopped for a breath before lifting my eyes to Carlisle. "How did you do it?"

His eyes widened a little. "Do what?"

"She told me what he did to her and the pictures in my head were bad enough. How did you handle it? Seeing the actual pictures after everything she told you?" I felt sick just thinking about it.

"I didn't handle it well," he said and Alice snorted.

"Let's just say I found more empty vodka bottles than I cared for," Alice said and Carlisle hung his head.

"I said I was sorry," he mumbled.

"Did they tell you how long they're keeping her sedated?" Alice changed the subject quickly.

"We didn't talk a lot but the nurse told me they're removing the breathing tube before they transfer her to her room and when they have to switch her IV bag, they'll stop the medication."

Carlisle's sigh brought my eyes back to him. He had a hand in his hair, holding it in a tight fist. Since becoming friends, I'd learned that he did that when he felt any kind of stress, though, I had never seen him pull so hard it turned his knuckles white.

"She said it was possible for Bella to wake up tonight." I spoke fast, hoping to relax him a little. "It isn't definite, but she was hopeful."

"I'm glad you got to see her." I heard the slight bitterness in his voice, but I let it go. It couldn't have been easy to allow me to see her when that was what he wanted so badly. "Did you talk to her?"

"I did. Thank you for giving me that," I told him. "I know how much you wanted to be there with her."

He nodded. "I wish it was me in there, but you needed it more than I did. I'll still be able to see her later when you can't."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Paul, you have to go. You know you can't be here."

"The hell I can't," I growled, sitting straight up in my chair. "I just sat with her and told her I wouldn't let her down again. I'll be damned if I break that promise now."

He held his hands up in defense. "I'm not asking you to break your promise to her."

"Then don't ask me to leave. Bella needs me." I stopped, rethinking my words. "No, she needs all of us to get her through this."

"And I agree with you, Paul, but you can't be here."

"Where the fuck else am I supposed to be? Home twiddling my goddamn thumbs while I wait around for you to take pity on me and give me information? I don't think so." I was out of my chair, towering over Carlisle. "I'm not going anywhere."

Carlisle stood up slowly. "Paul, I know you want to be there for her and I really wish you could be, but you have to see the big picture here." He took a small step back. "Bella's room is going to have a guard stationed outside around the clock. Even I had to get special permission to be allowed in to see her. If you want to see her, I'll have to contact the court again to get you access and that paperwork is going to have to be filed with the prison and the hospital. What do you think will happen when the warden finds out you're here?"

As much as I hated it, I could see where he was going with this. Seeing my shoulders slump in resignation, Carlisle sat back down and I followed.

"If you don't get fired, you'll find yourself reassigned to another block and you can be damn sure he would never let you see Bella again." He sighed. "I don't want to keep you away from her, Paul. I know what you mean to her and what she means to you, but you can't keep your promises to her if you're gone."

Shit! Carlisle was right, though I wouldn't get reassigned. After the choking incident, I had been warned to stay away from her. If the warden ever found out about this, he would fire my ass in a heartbeat.

My hands were on the back of my neck again, pulling hard. "I know you're right, but you didn't see her, Carlisle. She looked so small, so broken, so vulnerable. I can't leave her like that."

"I know she needs you too," he conceded. "But she'll need you more when she's sent back. If you're reassigned or, God forbid, fired, who will be there for her when Jasper leaves for the night? Who will be there when she needs someone to talk to?" Sympathy settled on his face. "I hate that I have to ask you to do this, Paul, but she needs you there more than she needs you here."

I was about to answer when he spoke again.

"I promise I'll take care of her for you."

"I know you will."

I couldn't think of anyone who would take better care of her than Carlisle. He'd spent months denying his true feelings for Bella, slipping here and there and kissing her when he knew he shouldn't. Now, though, the possibility of losing her had to hit him hard.

I stood to leave. "She won't be moved for a while. I should go. There really isn't a reason to stick around longer."

I knew leaving was for the best, but I couldn't help feeling like I was giving up on her. Like I was walking out on her when she needed me the most. I had to fight those feelings, though. I had to be there for her when she returned to prison. I would go, but I did have one more thing to do before I left.

Alice was hugging me again and saying goodbye. When she backed away, Carlisle stepped up to shake my hand. I grabbed his and held on for a second.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

I tilted my head towards the door knowing he would understand that I wanted this to be private.

"Of course."

Carlisle followed me out of the room. About five feet from the door, I turned to him.

"I've seen how much you care about her and I know this has to be hard for you. But you should really think about taking your own advice." He looked puzzled. "Stop fighting so hard and just tell her how you really feel."

"I can't do that. I'm her…"

"I know what you are and I know it will be considered unprofessional, but what happened today only proves one thing…life is fragile. It can be taken away from us at any minute. You could have lost her and she would have never known how you really felt." I put a hand on his shoulder. "Tell her you love her. Tell her everything that's in your heart before it's too late."

With a squeeze of his shoulder, I let him go and took a step back.

"Take care of her. I'll see you soon."

He mumbled a goodbye as I turned and left the hospital.

* * *

**Awww… who knew Paul cared so much. I just love him to death and I feel so sorry for him that he has to leave. But Carlisle's right, Bella will need him when she goes back.**

**Now for a bit of excitement. I received a PM yesterday that said my little story was recommended for TLS Fic of the Week. Again, I don't know who did it – or when…or how – but I was literally jumping up and down, and dancing when I found out. I never expected this story to get that kind of attention and I'm just completely humbled that so many people like it enough to recommend it. **

**There are still a couple of days left, so visit tehlemonadestand dot net to vote.**

**I have to say, I love each and every one of you – old readers and new – you have no idea what your support means to me. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	28. The Rock Crumbles

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH because, without them, I'd be a neurotic mess. I love you both so much.**

* * *

**Chapter 28 – The Rock Crumbles**

**Carlisle**

**February 24, 2010**

My mind was racing as I watched Paul walk away.

It almost killed me when Alice told me Bella had been hurt. I nearly lost it when the doctor told me how serious her injuries were. And I'd already been thinking how close I'd come to losing her.

But should I really tell her? Would she really want to hear it? From me?

Alice gave me the tapes to listen to when she returned from her trip and I heard the information she'd learned about Edward Masen. Hearing about their relationship was hard enough, but seeing Bella's reaction to his name hurt like hell.

It was in her eyes. So clear. So obvious. She still loved him so much. How could I compete with that? Why should I even try?

"Mr. Cullen?" Doctor Reyes' voice startled me and I turned.

He looked tired and a little strained and suddenly I worried that something had gone wrong.

"What is it, Doctor? Is Bel-" I caught myself, "I mean, is Ms. Swan alright?"

"Honestly," the corner of his mouth lifted slightly, "Ms. Swan is recovering quite a bit better than expected."

"Oh thank God." The tiny voice echoed in the empty hallway.

We both moved to see Alice standing a foot behind the doctor, her hands covering her mouth. I held out a hand to her and she grabbed it, moving into my side. Pulling her close, I drew whatever strength I could from her before motioning to the doctor.

"Please continue."

He cleared his throat. "As I was saying, Ms. Swan's scans have come back and, while there are a few abnormalities we'll need to pay close attention to, her results are very promising."

I breathed a sigh of relief as I felt Alice's hand clutch the back of my shirt.

"So what does that mean exactly?"

The way he mixed the word 'abnormalities' in with positive test results threw me a little off balance and I had to fight to keep control as my emotions went back and forth between relief, elation and worry.

"First," Doctor Reyes continued, "we'll be able to move her from recovery sooner than we thought and once we're able to stop her medication, I would assume she'll wake sometime this evening."

His news brought a small smile to my face but I hid it immediately.

"Once she's awake, will I be allowed to see her?"

He smiled this time. "Ms. Swan's medication is running through her IV and it'll be a couple of hours before it runs its course and maybe another few hours before she begins to regain consciousness."

I dropped my eyes and my hope plummeted. I didn't want to wait that long to see her.

"But," my eyes snapped back up, "you can see her as soon as she's moved. I believe it will do her some good if you're able to sit and talk with her."

Alice patted my back, sending me her silent encouragement.

"Thank you, Doctor," I said and held my hand out for his.

He took my hand. "I'll send the nurse for you once Ms. Swan is settled."

He said his goodbyes and walked back down the hall. Alice's arm slid from my back and her hand found mine.

"Come on." she tugged on my hand. "Let's go grab some coffee and a quick bite to eat before the nurse comes back for you."

I shook my head. "No, Alice. I'm going to be here when they move her."

"I'm not taking you for a seven course meal, Carlisle." She rolled her eyes. "But a quick run to Starbucks will do you some good." She pulled again. "There's one a couple blocks from here."

"No, Alice, I…"

"I know you, Carlisle." Her voice hardened. "You'd starve yourself just so you could be here with her, but I'm not going to let you do that. You need to take care of yourself too. You're no good to her if you don't."

I wanted to fight her on this but she was right. She always was.

"Fine," I reluctantly agreed. "Let's go so we can hurry up and get back."

She rolled her eyes again but smiled as she led me out of the hospital.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Twenty-five minutes later, I was sitting in the corner of the waiting room trying not to eavesdrop on Alice's conversation with Jasper. It was the first time she'd had a chance to talk to him since we got here, so she was filling him in on everything we'd learned.

I felt bad for him every time I heard Alice reassure him that this wasn't his fault. He and Paul held so much guilt over what had happened, but there wasn't anything either of them could have done to prevent this.

I saw Bella's eyes – so full of pain and desperation as she backed away from me – and I knew her well enough by now to know things weren't going to end well. Though, I never expected this. I never dreamed I'd be sitting in a hospital waiting room while Bella lay battered and broken and alone. Those days should have been behind her.

Honestly, I believed I would be the one nursing bruises and black eyes after our next meeting. Now, I would give anything to be with her in that prison conference room, dodging her punches as we fought over things she refused to tell me.

Unable to sit still, I jumped out of my chair and began pacing again. I wished they would hurry and move her already. I needed to see her. Now.

"Jasper said they locked up six of the girls that hurt her."

I jumped at the sound of Alice's voice, not realizing she had ended her call.

"Only six," I said angrily. "What… are they waiting for the other two to attack someone else before they do anything?"

She let out a heavy breath. "According to him, they won't do anything to the other two because it was technically self-defense."

"Self-defense!" I growled. "Are you telling me they're going to get away with…?"

"Excuse me, Mr. Cullen."

"What?" I snapped.

Turning to the door, I saw the same nurse that had taken Paul in to see Bella. Shame filled me when I saw her cringe away from me.

"Oh God, I'm sorry," I apologized.

"It's okay." She gave me a tentative smile and took a step closer. "Ms. Swan has been moved to her new room and I'm here to take you up."

My back straightened, my muscles locked up and I was suddenly too afraid to move. I'd been waiting for this but now that it was here, I didn't know if I could go in there. Paul's words replayed in my head again and I was terrified to see her.

Sensing my distress, Alice stepped up to grab my hand. "Come on, Carlisle," she urged. "She needs you."

Three simple little words. Simple for everyone else, I supposed, but for me, they were the only words that could move me forward as the nurse led me to Bella's room.

We moved swiftly through a few hallways but as we stepped off the elevator onto the sixth floor, everything changed.

Every step felt as if I was trudging through waist deep mud. Part of me wanted to get to her, to see that she really was okay. The other part of me, the self-preservationist in me, wanted to run in the other direction. That part of me wasn't ready to see Bella covered in bruises, looking vulnerable, as Paul had described her.

As I thought of the bruises, my legs stopped working and I couldn't take another step. All the pictures I had seen of her after her trips to the hospital came flooding back to me. I didn't want to see her that way. I couldn't. The still images were bad enough. There was no way I could handle seeing it firsthand.

_No. I can't do this. I can't go in. I'll come back later… tomorrow… and…_

Just as I was about to run in the other direction, I felt the tug on my hand. Looking down, I saw Alice's worried eyes staring up at me.

"You okay?"

Okay? No, I wasn't okay. How could I be? The woman I loved was lying unconscious somewhere in this building and I couldn't find the strength anywhere in me to see her.

Bella had told me so many times now that I was her strength...her rock. That she needed _me_ to be the strong one, but I wasn't. I was nothing like her. The fact that I couldn't take a single step right now to get to her proved it.

She needed someone better than me. Someone stronger than me. Someone who could go to her with no fear.

She needed Paul.

There was no fear or anxiety when they took him to see her. He jumped at the chance to be with her. He was the strong one. He was the one Bella needed right now, not me.

Alice's hands on my face drew my focus back to her. She was speaking but I couldn't hear a word over the pounding beat of my heart. My palm rubbed circles over my aching chest as I shook my head and stared at her.

My eyes snapped shut and I could barely breathe. I had to leave. I had to call Paul and tell him to come back. Tell him Bella needed him. Tell him…

The sharp sting in my cheek brought me back to my senses and all the sounds around me rushed in. I opened my eyes to see Alice with her hand pulled back, ready to hit me again.

"Are you done now?" she growled at me.

My cheek was throbbing. I never knew she could hit so hard.

"Alice, what…?"

She cut me off, her finger poking me in the chest. "After everything she's been through, Bella needs you with her, not out here having a fucking panic attack. Remember what's important here and get your ass moving. Now!"

Alice gasped when my arms wrapped around her, holding her with all the strength I had.

"Thank you," I kissed the top of her head, "for always standing by me and knowing exactly what I need."

"Ow, Boss, you're hurting me," she grunted.

I jumped back like I'd been burned. "I'm sorry."

"I know." She smirked and then her face turned serious again. "I know this is hard for you but I'll bet anything that being out here feels a hundred times worse than being in there with her." Her fingers touched my cheek. "You need her as much as she needs you. Don't keep her waiting."

With a kiss to Alice's cheek, I turned toward the nurse. This one was different than the nurse who had escorted us here. She was a little taller, pretty with light brown, shoulder-length hair and, in a way, reminded me a little of Bella. Shaking my head, I wondered how I could have been so out of it that I didn't notice the switch.

"Please accept my apology," I addressed the new nurse.

"No need, Mr. Cullen. These situations can be difficult." She smiled. "Are you ready to go in now?"

"Yes," I answered. "I'm ready."

"Ms. Swan's room is just around the corner." She turned to Alice. "I'm sorry, Miss, there isn't a waiting room on this floor but if you give me a minute…"

"No, no, please, don't worry about me." Alice grabbed my hand. "I'm gonna go get some things done around the office. I'll be back later with dinner."

I hugged her again. "Thanks, Alice."

"Call me if you need me," she whispered in my ear before letting me go and walking back to the elevator.

Once the doors closed behind her, the nurse touched my arm. "Right this way, Mr. Cullen."

I saw the two guards as soon as we rounded the corner. One was sitting in a chair drinking a cup of coffee while the other was leaning against the wall typing into his phone. When they noticed us, both men straightened up to stand by the door.

I knew many of the guards from my years visiting the prison. Unfortunately, I didn't recognize either of these two and I hoped they wouldn't give me a hard time.

"Gentlemen," I greeted them. "My name is Carlisle Cullen, Ms. Swan's attorney. I've been given permission to meet with her while she's here."

"Mr. Cullen." "Sir." Both guards spoke at the same time.

The guard with the phone spoke first. "We have been given notice, Sir. All I need is your ID and you can go right in."

"Thank you," I said, pulling out my wallet and handing him my driver's license.

He turned to grab a small folder from the bag I hadn't noticed on the floor. Sliding my ID in one of the pockets, he pulled out a special tag almost like the ones I would get when I entered the prison. I clipped it onto my shirt pocket, thanked them all and walked into the room.

Though I should have expected it, I was thankful Bella had been given a private room. The curtains were almost fully closed so there wasn't much light in the room. I decided to leave them as they were and turn on the light by her bed.

My stomach turned at the sight in front of me and my legs gave out. Stumbling back a step, I fell into the chair beside her bed, stifling a cry behind my hand. I knew how badly she'd been injured but I never expected this. My eyes traveled over her bruised arms up to her swollen face, covered in deep purple blotches, and settled on the bandage covering her broken nose.

With a deep breath, I pushed myself from the chair and stood to grab her hand. I wanted to hold her, comfort her, do something…anything, but I was afraid to touch her. Afraid to hurt her more than she already had been.

Tears fell on my hand as I held hers to my lips, kissing it the way I wished I could kiss her and take the pain away. I sent a silent thank you to Doctor Reyes for keeping her sedated because, with the way she looked now, she would be in an unimaginable amount of pain when she woke up.

Well…unimaginable to me, but not to her because she'd been here before. She'd felt this kind of pain more often than any one person ever should. And that realization broke my heart.

"Oh Bella, why?" I asked the question that had plagued me all day. "Sweetheart, why did you do it?

"I know you care about her and want to protect her, but how could you put your own life on the line? How could you jeopardize yourself that way? Don't you realize? Don't you understand? What you did could have taken you away from me forever? I don't…" The lump in my throat blocked my words.

I wiped a hand over my tear-drenched cheeks as I tried to take a breath, though the tightness in my chest made it difficult. I kissed her hand again and held it to my chest, needing some part of her close to me. Close to my heart.

"I can't… I don't…" I swallowed hard past the lump again. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Bella. Just the thought of losing you nearly broke me," I confessed. "You're everything in this world to me and I'd be lost without you.

"I don't know how you did it, but somehow through all the anger and the fighting, you've completely taken over my entire world. You make me feel things I never thought I could and you've brought out a part of me that only exists when I'm with you.

"I know your heart already belongs to someone else and I know you may not feel the same for me now… or maybe ever, but I don't care. You're everything I'll ever want, ever need. You're the one for me and you own me, body, heart and soul. Everything I have and everything I am is yours and always will be. I love you." I took a breath and leaned in, gently kissing her forehead. "With my whole heart, Bella, I love you."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

As it always was in hospitals, there had been plenty of interruptions during the day as nurses came in to check on her, but they worked around me without a word as I sat quietly by her bed, holding her hand. They all left as silently as they'd come, giving us our time alone together.

I had been so focused on Bella – talking to her, telling her things about me and my past and throwing in pieces of our possible future – that I didn't realize how late it had gotten. It startled me when a hand landed on my shoulder and my whole body jerked, earning an almost inaudible groan from Bella as I pulled on her arm. My eyes widened at the sound.

"That's a good sign," the nurse behind me said quietly.

My head snapped in her direction. "I'm sorry?"

She smiled. "Ms. Swan's vitals have been improving throughout the afternoon, and the fact that she just felt that," she pointed to Bella's arm, "means she could be ready to wake up soon. It's hard to tell with head traumas, but any response is a good one at this point."

I couldn't agree more. I would take any sign at this point. Anything to tell me she would be okay, that she would pull through this.

"How much longer do you think she'll sleep?" I asked anxiously.

"I can't be certain," she answered. "We took her off the medication about an hour ago but it's still working through her system. It could be hours before she'll show signs of consciousness."

Just like that, any hope I had been harboring was gone. I looked at my watch – six-fifteen. If her prediction was correct, visiting hours would be over before Bella woke up and I wouldn't be able to see her tonight.

"Thank you. I appreciate any news you can give me."

I turned back to Bella, grabbed her hand again and leaned over to lay my head next to our joined hands. The nurse cleared her throat behind me and spoke.

"Mr. Cullen, I hate to take you away but I came in here to tell you that your assistant is outside." She laid her hand on my shoulder again. "And she brought you dinner."

"Of course she did," I mumbled more to myself than to her. "Will you please tell her I'll be with her in a few minutes?"

"Of course," she replied and left the room.

I kissed the top of Bella's hand. "Alice is here, Sweetheart. I have to go talk to her for a few minutes, but I'll be back soon. I promise."

I stood, brushed my lips gently over hers and walked out to meet Alice.

She, of course, was chatting and laughing with the guards outside the door. In true Alice fashion, she'd thought of them before coming back here because they were each holding a coffee cup just like the one she held.

When she saw me, Alice picked up the bag off the chair and held it and the coffee out to me. "Dinner is served, Mr. Cullen."

I rolled my eyes as she grinned. She only called me Mr. Cullen in public. I didn't always like it as it made our relationship seem much more formal that it really was. But she was my employee and always tried to keep up appearances in front of the guards.

"Thanks, Alice, but I'm really not hungry."

She ignored me completely and turned to the guards. "Have a good night, guys."

Without another word, Alice waved goodbye to the guards and walked toward the elevators with my food in hand. She was obviously in no mood to argue with me. So, after telling the guards I would return soon, I rushed after her.

She was holding the elevator and tapping her foot when I caught up to her. "What is it, Alice?" I asked when the doors closed.

"I'm _not_ having this argument with you again, Carlisle."

"But…"

She held up a hand to cut me off. "Save it. We're going to the cafeteria to eat and that's final."

Scrubbing a hand over my face, I leaned against the wall and stuffed my hands into my pockets, feeling like a scolded child.

"You sound like my mother," I grumbled under my breath.

"You're lucky you followed me," she warned, "or I would have pulled you out by your ear like your mother too."

My eyes narrowed. "I knew I shouldn't have told you that story."

She burst into a fit of laughter and I followed right after her.

"Come on, Boss," she said when the doors opened. "Give me twenty minutes and then you'll have the rest of the night with her."

The door to the elevator opened. "Well, since we're already down here," I teased.

"Exactly." She winked.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Dinner was good, not the Italian place we were used to, but good. The coffee was excellent and I finished the last drink before responding to everything she'd just filled me in on.

"You're telling me you finalized everything in one afternoon?"

"Yes," she said like it was nothing. "All the flights and hotel rooms are booked. I've got cars scheduled to pick everyone up from the airport and all the prep meetings have been programmed into your calendar. It's going to be a busy two weeks but by the thirteenth, everything should be done. All you need to do is write your opening statement and we're ready."

"You are simply amazing, Alice. How…?"

"You haven't even heard the best part yet." She smiled mischievously.

"I'm almost afraid to ask," I groaned.

She tossed a key ring on the table between us.

"What's this?" I asked, examining the two golden keys.

"I know you don't want to be that far away from Bella while she's here. And _I_ don't want you to kill yourself driving an hour to and from this hospital every day."

My eyes snapped to hers. "What did you do, Alice?"

"My original plan was to book you into the closest hotel, but then Jasper gave me another idea." She pointed to the key ring. "Those are the keys to Paul's house."

"Paul's?"

"I called him while he was getting ready for work and told him my plans. He volunteered his extra bedroom before I could even ask."

"But why would he do that?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"Because he loves her too." She shrugged. "Since he couldn't be _here_, he wanted to do something to help her." She took a breath. "You'll be here all day while he's sleeping and he'll be at work at night when you get back to the house. It's perfect for everyone."

I was speechless, surprised that he would do something like that for me. I began thinking of ways to repay his generosity when another thought hit me.

"How am I getting there?" I asked. "You drove me here, remember."

The mischievous smile was back.

"I stopped at your house on the way back and packed a bag for you. Since I didn't know exactly how long she'd be here, I packed enough clothes to last a week." She winked at me. "I drove _your_ car back and Jasper met me here so he could take me home for the night."

Alice squealed when I pulled her from her chair, wrapping her in my arms and standing to my full height to leave her feet dangling off the ground.

"Anything you want, Alice… it's yours."

She giggled as her arms squeezed my neck. Setting her back on the floor, my hands rested on her shoulders.

"I mean it," I assured her. "I will never be able to say it enough, but I wouldn't be where I am today without you."

"I just showed you her file, you did the rest."

"I'm not just talking about Bella. Though, for me, knowing her and being with her is the best part of all this," I told her. "I mean everything else. I know how much I rely on you and I know how much you do behind the scenes to keep me and my practice going and I haven't given you enough credit. I take the things you do for me for granted and I don't want to do that anymore."

"You don't, though," she protested.

"Yes I do. What you did today is a perfect example." I sat her back in the chair before taking my own. "I haven't once thought of all the witnesses that needed to be flown in and catered to while they're here. I've been so focused on Bella that the details slipped through the cracks.

"It's because of you that I'm able to get so lost in any case I work on and never have to worry that the little things don't get overlooked. You're more than my right hand, Alice. You're my partner in every aspect of my business and my life."

She reached for my hand.

"Carlisle, you don't have to thank me for what I do." Her fingers tightened. "You made it very clear what my responsibilities would be when you hired me and I always make sure they're done. If I go above and beyond what you expected, it's because I care about the practice just as much as you do and I will do whatever I have to, to make sure you're not stressing over the details.

"But it's not just the practice. I care about you. You're one of my best friends and I'm going to watch over you and care for you just as I would Jasper because you mean that much to me."

Without warning, she stood up and held her hand out to me. I let her pull me from my chair and she hugged me. She was smiling when she stepped back.

"And because you do, I know exactly what you need and right now, you need to get back to Bella. You have a little more than an hour left with her tonight." She pulled me down and kissed me on the cheek. "Make the best of it."

I hugged her again. "Thanks, Alice."

I would have complimented her again but her abrupt change in subject meant she was done with our discussion. Besides, she was telling me to get back to Bella and I wasn't going to argue with her.

With another kiss on the cheek and a quick goodbye, Alice and I parted ways at the elevator. On my way back to the sixth floor, I sent a quick text to Jasper to thank him for coming to pick Alice up. He was a good man and absolutely perfect for Alice. I was glad she had him.

Showing my ID tag to the guards, I walked back into Bella's room. Sadly, she was still sleeping. I knew the rest would only help her but I had an hour left with her tonight and I just wanted to see her and talk to her and know she was okay before I left for the night.

Slowly, I sat on the edge of the bed and leaned in to kiss her forehead.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to leave you for so long. Alice was telling me what we've got scheduled for the next two weeks. We're going to be busy but it's worth it because it's all for you. Everything I do is for you, Sweetheart."

I hadn't noticed it when I left to meet Alice earlier but kissing her now, I realized how dry and cracked her lips were.

"You need some water," I said gently. "I'll be right back."

I grabbed the cup sitting on the table next to her bed and took it into the bathroom to fill it. Grabbing the handkerchief out of my pocket, I dipped it in the water and touched it to her lips. Once they were moistened, I took the lip balm from my pocket and applied a light coat.

"There you go. I'll bet that feels better."

I settled myself into the chair, holding her hand while I rested on the mattress again. Not even a second passed when my head popped up.

"Oh I forgot to tell you, we've got a surprise for you. Unfortunately, it'll have to wait until we meet in the prison again, but I think this will be just what you need and I'm so happy we were able to work this out for you.

"You're going to love it, Bella. I know you will and I can't wait to see your smile when you see what we have planned." I chuckled. "And don't think of asking me what it is either 'cause I'm not going to tell you."

Picturing the glare she would be giving me if she were awake caused me to smile. I never thought I'd miss that glare so much.

I spent the remainder of my time with her talking about anything and everything that came to mind. I did make a point of telling her about Paul's offer to let me stay with him. She had to know what an amazing friend she had.

When my time was up, one of the guards knocked on the door a second before opening it.

"Visiting hours are over, Mr. Cullen. I'll give you a few more seconds to say goodnight."

"Thank you," I said over my shoulder. With a heavy sigh, I turned back to Bella. "You know I would give anything to stay with you all night, but that's just not possible. I'll be back in the morning, though, ready to see those beautiful eyes again.

"Goodnight, Sweetheart. Sleep well." With a kiss to her hand, her forehead and then her lips, I added, "I love you."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

**February 25, 2010**

The coffee finished brewing and the eggs were almost done when I heard the front door close.

"Damn that coffee smells good," Paul said loudly as he walked into the kitchen.

"Want a cup?" I asked.

"Nah, if I drink that I'll never get to sleep." He pulled his jacket off and hung it just outside the doorway. "Speaking of sleep, what the hell are you doing up anyway? Visiting hours don't start for another couple of hours. I figured you'd still be in bed."

I shrugged as I pulled two plates from his cabinet.

"I made enough for two," I said, ignoring his question. "Are you able to eat before you go to sleep?"

He eyed the plate and smiled. "Beats the toast I was going to have."

Paul stepped in to pick up the plates and carried them to the table while I served myself a cup of coffee. We crossed paths again as he went back to grab a bottle of water while I sat down to eat. When he finally joined me, he took one bite before the questioning began.

"So, why _are_ you awake this early?" He gave me a knowing look and took a few more bites. "Was the bed okay?"

"The bed is fine. Thanks for letting me stay here. I appreciate it."

I took my own bite so I wouldn't have to talk anymore but he wasn't letting me off so easily.

"You're not a very good liar, you know." He smirked and lifted his chin in my direction. "Do you think I can't see the circles under your eyes? You haven't slept at all, have you?"

I hid behind my coffee cup and Paul put his fork down, blowing out a deep breath.

"Carlisle, you can't do this to yourself."

Exhaling, I pushed my food away. "Alice already gave me this lecture. I don't…"

"You don't what?" He pushed his empty plate away and leaned back in his chair. "Need to eat? Don't think I didn't notice you only took two bites of your food. How about sleep? You're delusional if you think you're going to survive on coffee for the next few days.

"I walked out of that hospital yesterday with your word that you were going to take care of her. Do you think you're going to be any good to Bella this way? Half dead from exhaustion and starved because you refuse to eat?

"She needs you to be there for her, fully awake and functioning, ready to help her. Not stuck in the hospital bed next to her because you've made yourself sick. How the hell do you think that would make her feel? You know she's going to lose it and blame herself if anything happens to you."

"I hadn't thought about it that way," I mumbled to myself.

"Of course you haven't." My brow furrowed and he smirked again. "Right now, the woman you love is hurt. You want to do everything you can to make sure she's physically okay, giving no concern to yourself. But you're forgetting one thing."

"And that is?"

"Bella cares about you too." He rolled his eyes at my smile. "Don't act like you don't know. That girl is crazy about you whether she lets herself believe it or not. And because of that, she's wants you safe just as much as you want her to be.

"If you don't take care of yourself because of this, she's going to beat herself up over it and that's not going to help with her recovery. She needs to have her head in the right place to get through this whole mess, not just now but when she goes back too, and you're the only one who can help her with that."

"I know you're right. It's just so hard when she gets herself into fights like this. I want to protect her but I feel like I'm failing her at every turn," I admitted.

"You can't keep thinking that way. You've already got me and Jasper watching out for her and, though I wish we could, we can't always get to her fast enough before she gets hurt." He dropped his head for a second before focusing back on me again. "It's a prison and sometimes it happens. I know that sounds callous but it's a fact of life in there."

"I tried to tell you that yesterday," I reminded him. "It's nice to see you've had a change of heart."

He huffed. "Jasper's very good at being that annoying voice of reason."

"So is his wife," I mumbled then my eyes widened as I realized what I said.

_Damn it. What the hell is wrong with me!_

I had already screwed up and told Alice about Jasper's plans. I couldn't believe I just opened my big mouth again. I backpedaled quickly, hoping he was too tired to notice.

"No, I… I mean h-his girlfr…"

Paul laughed heartily. "Relax. I've already seen the ring," he told me. "It's about time too. That boy needed to get off his ass and ask her already. I'm surprised she let him wait this long."

That made me laugh. Everyone knew how demanding Alice was. If she wanted something, she wasn't the type to sit back and wait for it to come to her. She'd go after it, never stopping or backing down until it was hers.

But with Jasper, she was different. She was calm and patient, almost subdued. She said she'd always known they were perfect for each other so she never pushed him, not once in all the years I'd known them. I believed she knew if she pushed she would have pushed him away.

"I don't know what changed for him, but I'm glad he's finally taking this step," I said.

"Yeah, they deserve this," Paul agreed. He straightened up, leaning his arms on the table. "Anyway, as I was saying, Jasper and I talked and he helped me realize that there is only so much we can do. I mean, as much as we'd like to, we can't give her special treatment. That would give us away in a heartbeat. So we stay as close to her as we can without being too obvious.

"Yesterday he should have been watching a little closer. The fact that he wasn't _was_ my fault. I should have warned him that something was off with her. She doesn't normally breakdown like that, but I ignored it hoping she'd talk to you about what was bothering her."

"I'm the reason she was upset in the first place." He glared at me. "Has she ever mentioned an Edward Masen to you?"

He shook his head. "No. Who is he?"

"Would you believe me if I told you he was Bella's fiancé?"

"Shut the fuck up," he said loudly. "Bella? You're joking, right?"

"Given my feelings for her, I wish I was," I told him sadly.

"But how?" His head shook with disbelief. "She doesn't let anyone get close enough to her. How did he…?"

"I don't know," I interrupted, not wanting to hear him try and put the past together. "We don't have the whole story yet. Alice got part of it from a neighbor, but she could only tell us so much. The rest has to come from Bella and believe me when I say this story isn't going to come easy.

"I saw the pain in her eyes… in her face when I asked her about him. This one might actually break her."

"Then don't do it," he said angrily. "Let this one go, Carlisle! You've already got more than enough evidence to get her off."

"I have enough to build the case," I argued. "If everything I've heard is true, this will ensure her acquittal."

"At what price! How much more are you going to put her through before this is over?" He stood from his chair. "How far is too far, Carlisle?" Without another word, Paul stormed to his room, slamming the door behind him.

Silently, I stood and grabbed our plates, taking them to the kitchen and cleaning up. Once the dishes were done and put away, I made my way into the spare room and picked out my clothes for the day.

His words pressed on my mind but I did everything I could to keep myself busy so I didn't have to think about them. I knew he was right. I didn't want to hurt her, but Masen was the key. I knew he was, even without knowing their story.

As Alice said, _'James would be alive today if it wasn't for Edward Masen.'_ Now I had to get the truth to that statement.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Stepping off the elevator, I was greeted by the nurse that had taken care of me the morning before.

"Good morning, Mr. Cullen."

"Good morning, Nurse…" I trailed off, realizing I hadn't taken the time yesterday to learn her name.

She smiled, noticing my hesitation. "Just call me Chelsea."

"Good morning, Chelsea." I returned her smile. "How is Ms. Swan this morning?"

"Medically speaking, she's doing rather well. She's been in and out of consciousness all night, which is normal, and her vitals and scans all look good."

She typed something into the computer and then frowned at the information.

"And non-medically speaking?" I prompted hesitantly, afraid of what I might hear.

Chelsea's eyes met mine. "She's extremely withdrawn. When she does sleep it's fitful but when she's awake and asked if she's all right, she doesn't say a word. The only times it seems she talks to anyone is when she's asked a direct question about her condition."

I understood her frustration. I'd dealt with the silence and mood swings more times than I cared to count.

She sighed. "I checked on her a couple of hours ago after I came in and she just laid there, staring at the wall. When she thought I wasn't looking, though, I watched her wipe a tear from her eye. I tried to ask if she was okay or in any pain, but she refused to answer.

"There's a notation in here saying she's exhibiting signs of depression and her despondency worries me. I keep thinking we're missing something, therefore not treating her properly."

"Trust your tests, Chelsea," I said, hoping to ease her mind. "Ms. Swan has a tendency to withdraw into herself sometimes. Believe me, I've experienced some of the same things you've been dealing with and while it can be a little disconcerting for the rest of us, for her, it's perfectly normal."

"So I shouldn't worry then?" Her concern was touching.

"No. I've become very good at breaking through her walls. I'll speak with her and work things out."

She graced me with a bright smile. "Thank you. There's also a recommendation for a psych evaluation and I'd been hoping we didn't have to go that route yet. She woke up alone in a hospital after suffering a major trauma; it stands to reason that she'd show _some _signs of depression. But if you're confident this is just temporary, I'll make my own notations that the request for the psych eval is premature. The decision will ultimately reside with Doctor Reyes but with my recommendation and you're assurance that we'll see an improvement, I'm confident he won't subject her to it."

"I'm sure she'll thank you for that."

Smiling, I checked my watch. My smile fell a little as I realized visiting hours didn't start for another twenty minutes. I had been too anxious to get here that I left a little earlier than I needed to.

Chelsea cleared her throat. "You can go in now."

My eyes snapped to hers. "Are you sure?"

"It's only twenty minutes." She waved a hand at me. "It's fine."

"Thank you." I tried to keep the relief I felt out of my voice.

I heard her giggle as I walked around the corner. Maybe I didn't conceal it as well as I thought I did.

By the time I reached the guards, my ID was in my hand. I signed for my ID tag and knocked on Bella's door. Hearing no response, I cracked the door a little. The open curtains let in plenty of light and my eyes found her easily. Just the sight of her released a tension in me I hadn't noticed until it was gone and my entire body felt lighter as I stepped quietly into the room.

The chair I used the day before had been pushed into the corner, so I picked it up and gently set it next to the bed. Before reclaiming my seat, I grabbed Bella's hand and took a second to take in her face as she slept peacefully.

Leaning in to kiss her forehead, I whispered, "Good morning, Sweetheart." My lips softly brushed hers. "I missed you."

Sitting down with her hand still in mine, I rested my head on the bed beside her. Her body shifted slightly toward me and her fingers tightened around mine. She settled into sleep again and I smiled, closing my eyes to join her.

* * *

**Carlisle lost it there for a minute but he's better now. And he's finally admitted his feelings for Bella. The million dollar question now is…does Bella love him too. We'll have to wait until she wakes up to find out.**

**I want to say thanks to anyone who voted for this story for TLS Fic of the Week. It didn't win, of course, but I was more than honored to have been nominated in the first place. That was just awesome.**

**I love each and every one of you – old readers and new – you have no idea what your support means to me. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	29. Back To Reality

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH because, without them, I'd be a neurotic mess. I love you both so much.**

**A/N: Here's another long one for you. I thought about breaking it into two chapters, but it just didn't feel right. Also, I'm going to rid this story of the warning for a while because the flashbacks won't be so bad. In fact, I think you might like these ones. **

**Anyway…on with the story.**

* * *

**Chapter 29 – Back To Reality**

**Bella**

The fog was so heavy, so dense it smothered me until I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't move. My head swung back and forth trying to see something else, anything else but the dull gray was everywhere – surrounding me, weighing on me until I collapsed.

I tried to scream for help but my mouth wouldn't work. I willed myself to stand, to move, but nothing happened. I was stuck. Stuck in this space with nothing around me and no way out. Tears poured from my eyes as a feeling of helplessness settled in.

Helpless. _He_ made me feel that way.

_No!_ My mind screamed the word my mouth couldn't. My head moved frantically in every direction as I prayed to God he wasn't here somewhere, lurking in the fog, waiting to hurt me again.

I had to get out. To get away. I struggled. I fought. I did everything in my power to move but, again, nothing. I was trapped in the nothingness, in the fog that crushed me, held me in place, with no one to help me. Drowning in the silence with no hope of escape.

Then I heard it. The murmur... faint, but there... real.

Like a lifeline, I held on, listening, trying to recognize the sound. It grew... louder and louder until it echoed in the space.

A voice, deep and rich and familiar, mumbling broken sentences, filling the space.

_'I'm your friend'_

The words penetrated the fog.

_'Can't get you out'_

_Help me, please. Don't leave me here._

The soundless scream never left my lips while that familiar voice went on.

_'Stand by you… Promise… __Be careful… Come back t…' _

The words floated away in a mumble as the fog swallowed the voice and I was left alone. Left alone to fight the fog, the silence, the nothingness.

Days, hours, minutes passed in the suffocating fog until…

'_Stay with me for a little while longer?'_

The faint voice barely reached my ears before the silence slowly gave way to music…Mozart. I would know it anywhere.

My body shook. Tears poured from my eyes as I struggled and writhed and prayed for help to come. For someone to save me before he came for me, before he hurt me.

Every scream caught in my throat, no one could hear me calling, begging as the music grew louder and a voice… _his _voice broke through the fog and overpowered the music.

'_I am yours and you are mine…forever.'_

_No! You're not here! You can't be here! _

'_Beloved.'_

_No!_

The sound of music shattered like glass as the banging started. Louder and louder, hurting my ears.

'_Jess! Jess! Let me in!'_

Tears ran faster when I heard him. He was here.

'_I know you're here. Please let me in."_

Edward would save me. He would always save me.

_Edward!_

The soundless scream didn't reach him and the banging continued. He begged to come in but my answering cry for help went unheard.

The sound finally died and I was alone again, crying. The fight drained from every part of me and I gave myself over to the emptiness.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

'_Oh Bella, why?'_

A new voice floated to my ears. A voice I didn't recognize. Stronger than the others, rousing me from the darkness. It was a man… a stranger.

'_How could you jeopardize yourself?'_

_Please help me. _I begged him but, still, my voice made no sound.

'_I don't know what I'd do without you.'_

He knew me. Who was he?

I screamed for him to hear me, to help me…still nothing.

'_Through all the anger and the fighting, you've completely taken over my entire world.'_

The words made no sense. I was his world. How? Why? When? And where was Edward?

I screamed for Edward. He didn't answer. I turned my head but saw nothing, still surrounded by the fog.

The other voice invaded the emptiness again. His words were loud and I listened closer, harder.

'_You're everything I'll ever want, ever need.'_

He's no stranger. I knew that voice. My eyes squeezed shut as I tried to think, tried to remember.

An image filled my mind as he spoke again.

'_Everything I am is yours.'_

Oh God, I knew his face – his blond hair… his blue eyes… So handsome.

_Carlisle!_

'_With my whole heart, Bella, I love you.'_

No, no, no that was wrong. He didn't love me. He couldn't. He was too good, too kind, too pure. He shouldn't love me.

I screamed and shouted and begged for him to stop, but he kept talking. Hours passed, maybe days, but it didn't stop. His was the one voice that didn't disappear, didn't fade away. It was constant. A constant I tried with everything I had to block out.

When nothing worked, I gave up… gave up and listened.

He spoke about law school, a law firm and starting his practice. He talked about meeting someone named Alice and then someone named Brady, but his voice cracked when he said his name.

Who were they? Did I know them? Why would he speak of them as if I did?

I thought hard, searching every memory I had. I remembered them all. All my old friends and my new ones – Paul and Whitlock.

_Whitlock? No, not Whitlock. Jasper. He said Jasper._

_Jasper Whitlock._

The name triggered a memory.

_Whitlock._

_Alice… Whitlock's girlfriend._

He talked about her. I remembered her – Whitlock's girlfriend… Carlisle's assistant.

But who was Brady? Why did he upset Carlisle? How could he…?

A tug on my arm startled me, halting my thoughts. I hadn't felt anything since opening my eyes to the oppressive gray void surrounding me, but I felt it.

I screamed for Carlisle to help me, but my soundless cry rang no one's ears but my own.

Suddenly, the voice that had pulled me from the emptiness was gone. He left me to sink back into the emptiness he'd found me in. My heart raced and I began to panic. He had to come back. He couldn't leave me to be swallowed whole by the fog.

_Carlisle!_ _Carlisle, please don't go!_

Nothing. He was gone and he wasn't coming back.

'_Alice is here, Sweetheart.'_

He was back and I breathed a sigh of relief.

'_I have to go talk to her for a few minutes, but I'll be back soon. I promise.'_

I wanted to grab him, hold on, keep him from leaving, but I couldn't move, my arms still lifeless at my sides. I took a deep breath, willing my heart to slow. He was coming back. He promised.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Ages passed before Carlisle's voice came back to me, grounding me back in reality, only this time it was different. His voice was closer, louder than before and more excited and playful than I ever remembered. I'd only seen him that way a handful of times and I could picture it now, his bright, sparkling eyes, and his little grin just before it turned into a mischievous smirk…so much like a kid.

That thought made me wonder how old Carlisle really was. The tiny wrinkles at the corners of his eyes told me he was older than me but they didn't tell me how much. I suddenly found myself wanting to know.

More and more questions built up in my head as I lost myself in the sound of his voice. I wished I could hear him this animated, this free, more often. I liked him this way and even though I admired his serious side and even took my enjoyment from pushing his buttons and releasing his temper, this was the man I wanted to see more of.

But then I heard a groan and his voice changed.

'_You know I would give anything to stay with you all night, but that's just not possible.'_

_What? No, you can't leave._

I struggled against the dense fog still holding me prisoner, wanting to get back to him. He needed to know I was here, that I could hear him and would give anything to see him right now.

'_I'll be back in the morning, though.'_

_No, don't leave me alone._

'_Ready to see those beautiful eyes again.'_

_Carlisle wait. _

'_Goodnight, Sweetheart. Sleep well. I love you.'_

_Don't go, please._

There was no answer.

_Carlisle please!_

Nothing.

_Carlisle!_

Tears sprang to my eyes. He was gone.

I didn't want to be here anymore. I had to get back. Needed to get back. Back to the real world.

_Wake up, Bella! Wake up!_

I screamed the words over and over again but my body gave no response. There was no movement, no change in the lifelessness I felt. I tried and tried but nothing worked. The fog was suffocating, pressing on me, crushing me until I was too tired to go on. I laid in the gray emptiness, closed my eyes again and cried.

'_Bella.'_

My eyes flew open when I heard his voice. He found me again.

'_Bella, sweetheart, wake up.'_

_Edward?_

'_It's time to wake up, sweetheart.'_

_Edward. _I looked around and saw nothing. _Edward, where are you?_

'_Bella.'_

His beautiful laugh filled the air around me and my hand pressed into my chest. Shocked, I sat straight up and gasped at the first movement I was able to make in so long.

'_Sweetheart.' _His voice was soft and comforting just as it always was.

My body twisted and turned, looking everywhere for him, still finding nothing.

'_I have a surprise for you. Just open your eyes.'_

His voice rang in my head again and I rolled over, pushing to my feet. Steadying myself, I held still, listening for him again, desperately hoping to find him. When I heard my name again, I turned to my left and started running.

The space was endless but I kept running. Running toward the sound of his voice. He was here. Edward was here and I had to find him.

'_There you are.' _His laugh was music to my ears._ 'There's my beautiful girl.'_

I gasped, inhaling a lungful of air as the fog broke and my eyes fluttered open.

"Edward." My voice made almost no sound as I clutched my throat and coughed.

Through watery eyes, I looked around the empty room. Then it hit me, harder than it ever had before. Edward wasn't here. And he never would be again. Pain crushed my chest as I remembered the day he left me.

"Ms. Swan." My eyes landed on the nurse hovering over me. "Ms. Swan, breathe. I need you to breathe."

Pain seared my chest and I couldn't catch a breath as she grabbed my wrist and looked at her watch. Not wanting her to touch me, I ripped my arm away from her and struggled to get out of bed.

"Help!" She reached out, grabbing my elbows. "I need help in here!"

Huge hands clamped around my left shoulder and elbow, holding my arm against the bed while another heavy weight pushed my legs into the mattress.

"Ms. Swan." Her voice was strained as she struggled with my right wrist. "Calm down, honey."

Dropping the guardrail, she leaned over me with a hand on my chest.

"Calm down and breathe with me."

She took several deep breaths, counting them out as she went, and I tried to follow her lead. Between the pain and the panic, it was difficult but I tried.

"That's it." Her grip on my wrist loosened and her hand came up to brush my hair away from my face. "Just breathe."

She looked up and nodded and, for the first time, I saw the two guards who were holding me down. At her silent command, the one holding my arm let me go but stayed close just in case. When the pressure let up on my legs, I looked down and recognized the guard at my feet.

"Get out of my room," I said through clenched teeth.

Guard Newton had given me hell from the day I stepped on the block and right now, I didn't care about the consequences I would face for speaking to him so disrespectfully.

When he didn't move, I yelled, "Get the fuck out!"

Hissing in pain as the last word left my mouth, the nurse's hands were on my shoulders, gently pressing me into the mattress.

"Gentlemen, thank you for your help. Could you please leave me alone with my patient?"

"You…heard her. Get…the fuck…out!" I panted, reaching back and grabbed a cup sitting on the table next to me, throwing threw it at Newton. "Now!"

The move sent pain shooting through my body and my eyes clenched shut as my left arm wrapped around my chest. I felt the ice cold steel a fraction of a second before I heard the click of the handcuffs. My head snapped to the right in time to see the guard closing the other end around the guardrail.

"No." I pulled against the restraint though I knew it was useless.

"Is that really necessary?" the nurse asked.

"It's procedure, Ma'am," he answered her. "All violent inmates must be restrained when…"

"At present, _Sir_," she sneered the word, "Ms. Swan is _not_ an inmate in your prison. She is _my_ patient and inside _these_ walls, _I_ will determine what is best for her."

Without an ounce of fear, she met his hard stare for a few tense seconds before speaking again.

"Ms. Swan is recovering from a very serious trauma and does not need the unnecessary stress your misplaced show of dominance will cause." She gave what I could tell was a fake smile before addressing the guard again. "Now, please remove those handcuffs."

I glared at Newton, watching his arrogant smirk turn to shocked disbelief as I felt the tug caused by the other guard removing the cuffs.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asked.

Quickly glancing at the other guard, he had yet to break eye contact with the nurse who slid her hand into mine.

"Ms. Swan poses no threat at the moment," he said.

She gave my hand a tiny squeeze as the words left his mouth and I turned my own smirk back to Newton. His angry eyes flashed to me and I quirked an eyebrow, begging him to argue.

I had to hold back a laugh when I saw the same vein throbbing on his forehead that I usually saw when I pissed Carlisle off. I couldn't hold my tongue though and mouthed the words I'd wanted to say to him for months.

"Fuck you."

I made sure to say each silent word separately so there was no mistake. His cheeks burned red as pure hatred filled his eyes.

"You better watch yourself, Swan," he growled with a finger pointed at me.

That got the other guard's attention. "Stand down, Newton," he ordered.

My smirk turned into a wide smile when I realized the other guard held authority over him.

"Stand down, Newton," I taunted him.

"Swan," the other guard admonished.

Newton looked ready to explode when the other guard took a step closer and placed a hand on his chest.

"Outside." He shoved Newton toward the door.

"When you get back, Swan…" His threat trailed off as the other guard pushed him again.

"Now," he commanded.

All the fight rushed out of me the instant the door closed and I sagged into the mattress, squeezing my eyes shut to hold back the tears.

"Are you okay?"

I jumped away from the nurse as she tried to rest a hand on my shoulder. Hissing at the pain again, I glared at her.

"I'm sorry." She pulled her hand back. "And I'm sorry for calling them in here in the first place. I don't care what they say you did, no one deserves to be treated that way…especially after what you've just been through."

"Thank you," I mumbled and rolled gently over, turning my back on her.

She rambled on as she worked but every word was drowned out by the sound of Edward's voice playing in my head. The authoritative cadence he used while he worked, the passionately angry shout he used as we would argue, the sheer desperation and fear that laced every word as he searched for me after I ran away from him and the gentle tone he used the first time he told me he loved me...they were all there as each memory tumbled through my head.

My eyes shut tight against the tears that wanted to escape as our entire life together, as short as it was, was laid out before me in vivid detail. And the last six months I'd spent fighting to let him go, to forget the last time I saw his face, meant nothing. He was here with me – in my head…my heart – and I couldn't fight it anymore. I missed him so much.

Teeth sank into the flesh of my good hand as I forced back the sob building in my chest. The devastation I felt every time I thought of him was unbearable and I wanted to cry or scream or break something, anything to let go of the pain losing him left me with.

How could I have been so careless?

For years, I had been so cautious, so meticulous in covering my tracks and keeping myself hidden. I couldn't afford one mistake. And that was with nothing on the line. The second I had everything to lose, I slipped. I abandoned everything for the man I loved more than life itself and it cost me my heart. That one slip cost me my entire world.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

I had always hated the long nights in hospitals. The hours felt like days and the only thing to break the monotony was the few interruptions from the nurse asking unnecessary questions. The doctor on call had already been in to see me and I told him what he needed to know. She didn't need me to repeat myself so I ignored her.

My night was spent in torment, wiping away the tears that fell between every failed attempt at sleep. I was exhausted but couldn't close my eyes for more than a few minutes at a time. Memories of Edward haunted me every time I tried and as much as I wanted to see him again, I couldn't stand to look at him. I wanted to forget. I needed to forget because every dream was a reminder of what I'd lost and it killed me to remember.

I woke from my latest dream screaming and a new nurse rushed into the room to check on me. Again, I rolled away from her, not wanting to talk. When I didn't answer, she let out a heavy sigh and went about her work, checking my vitals and charting her results.

Seconds after I heard her put the chart back in place, a light across the room switched on and I heard water running. Turning my head a little, I used the pillow to help wipe the tears I didn't want her to see. They would inevitably spark a new round of questions I'd already answered during the night. Questions I was in no mood to answer again.

Lying still, I waited for her to leave like the other nurse did but I felt a hand on my shoulder instead.

"I know you're not sleeping well. If the pain is too much, I can give you something to help. All you have to do is ask." I shrugged her hand away and she sighed again. "I know it's hard being here all alone but it's only for a couple more hours."

I shifted uncomfortably, not knowing what she was talking about. At least I didn't have to wait long for the answer.

"Based on his behavior yesterday, I'm sure Mr. Cullen will be here the second visiting hours begin."

I rolled to my back when I heard the door click behind me and groaned.

Carlisle was coming back.

No, he couldn't. I wasn't ready. I didn't know what to tell him. Everything about my life with Edward was too personal. Too private.

Why? Why couldn't he just give me a day? Was it really so important that he had to do this while I was lying in a hospital bed? Would a few days really matter?

Because of the brace on my left wrist, I had to use my knuckles to rub my eyes and then hissed in pain when it hit the bridge of my nose. Tears filled my eyes and the dull throbbing in my head pounded out of control. I rubbed my temples as I took deep breaths, trying to will the pain away.

My eyes opened to the pre-dawn light sliding across the walls of my room. I didn't remember falling asleep but it was the first peaceful bit of sleep I'd had all night. There wasn't a single dream of Edward and, though I wanted it, I didn't know how I felt about that.

It felt like I was betraying him.

Before I could think any more about it, the nurse walked back into the room.

"Good morning, Ms. Swan," she said cheerily.

I didn't even bother to respond.

She checked me over, quietly made her notes and left me alone again.

Rolling over, I watched as the sun brightened the off-white walls of the room. A few clouds rolling by created contrasting shadows on the walls and I felt my eyelids grow heavier and heavier as I followed the game of chase darkness played with the light. Then I smiled as light won every time.

A small part of my brain made the connection just before my eyes closed again.

Darkness chased the light just as James chased me.

Problem was…I didn't know if I could win this time.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

My body stirred and I felt a sudden pain in my neck. Opening my eyes, I could see why. At some point while I slept, I had moved down, away from the pillows, and curled myself around the man fast asleep on the edge of my bed.

Carlisle slept with my right hand in his and tucked under his chin while my left hand rested at the back of his neck. We were so close together I could see all those little imperfections I had only seen from a few feet away.

Sleeping peacefully, he looked so much younger than I had originally thought. While he was awake, the lines at the corners of his eyes were deeper, making him look like he was in his late thirties or early forties. But like this, so relaxed and untroubled, the lines had softened and he looked as if he could pass for a man still in his twenties.

It was definitely a question I would have to ask when this was all over. Not that it mattered to me, but I had a burning desire to know.

Still studying his face, I frowned when my eyes landed on the circles under his eyes. He wasn't sleeping again and it made my heart break just a little 'cause I knew it was because of me.

Over the past couple of months, I'd seen the changes in him from one day to the next as we went through some of the worst parts of my life. I would see him one day and he'd be perfectly fine, handsome as ever, but after our meeting, I'd walk away seeing his poorly disguised look of pain. The next day he'd come back to me with dark circles under his bloodshot eyes.

I hated that he would take things so personal. That he would let things in my life, my past, affect him so much. Though I didn't understand them, I knew his feelings for me, but he had to see I wasn't worth it. I was damaged and nowhere near worthy of someone as good as him.

Slowly, I moved my hand from his neck and gently touched the darkened skin under his eyes, remembering the words he spoke while I slept.

"Why do you love me?" I whispered. "You deserve so much better than me."

My heart broke as I repeated the same words I'd spoken to Edward just last year.

"God…only a year," I mumbled as I realized how little time had passed since I first laid eyes on him.

So much had happened in those twelve months – friendship, love, loss, death, prison. It was as if I'd lived an entire life in those months. Only now things were so different. Edward wasn't here, Carlisle was.

Slowly, I ran my fingers gently through Carlisle's hair, careful not to wake him.

He shouldn't be here, not like this. I couldn't love him…shouldn't love him, not the way he wanted. It was wrong. It was too soon.

"You have to find someone," I said quietly. "Someone who can love you the way you deserve, but that can't be me."

My hand stilled as Carlisle stirred. His eyes fluttered then shut tight when he tried to lift his head. His grip on my hand tightened as the other wrapped around the back of his neck. It made me smile. Neither one of us had slept in the most comfortable of positions and both our necks paid the price.

I couldn't stifle the giggle that slipped out. Carlisle's eyes shot open.

"Bella." His head snapped up. "Bel-"

His eyes clenched tight as he hissed in pain. My hand reached his neck before his and I massaged the pain away. When he lifted his head, his bright eyes finally found mine.

"Morning, Counselor." I smiled at his disheveled, just-woken-up look.

"Bella." Before I could even blink, his arms were around me, his lips pressed to mine.

"Ow." I jerked away, breaking the kiss.

"Oh God, I'm sorry." He looked panicked and let me go. "I'm sorry, Bella. Did I hurt you? I didn't mean to. I was just… Are you…?"

I covered his mouth and chuckled.

"Shh, Carlisle, I'm fine." I moved my hand to his cheek. "I promise, I'm fine."

He reached out for me but pulled back like he was afraid to touch me.

"But Bella, you…"

"I'm just a little sore, that's all." I slid my hand to his chest. "And you kinda bumped my nose. It is broken, you know," I teased.

He stared at me like I had two heads. I had to laugh as I nudged his chest.

"Come on, Counselor, don't be so serious all the time."

"How can you…?" He didn't finish. "This isn't funny, Bella."

"No it's not," I agreed and winced as I pushed myself up to lie on the pillows. "But you have to admit, I've been through worse."

"They could have killed you. Doesn't that matter to you?"

He sounded angry but it was only a brave front. I could see his pain and concern deep in his eyes. He was worried, then again, I never knew a time when he wasn't. This time, though, I couldn't blame him. I dropped the teasing, grabbed his hand and pulled so he was sitting on the edge of my bed.

"I'm sorry. It does matter but I just couldn't…" My sentence died.

"Couldn't what?" He sounded desperate. "Please tell me why you would do something so dangerous."

Before I could answer, he wrapped me in his arms again. I gasped, reminding him about my broken ribs. His apology flew out of his mouth as he loosened his hold on me.

"You scared the hell out of me, you know that?" His voice broke under the weight of his emotions.

I swallowed hard, blinking furiously to keep the tears from my eyes. My arms circled his chest and I held on as tight as I could.

"I can't lose you," he whispered.

"Car…"

"You're everything to me," he admitted then pulled back, his eyes boring into mine. "Nothing in my life feels right anymore without you, Bella."

Our conversation took a turn I wasn't ready for yet.

"Carlisle, d-" I started but he continued.

"I know I shouldn't. I know it's not the right time or place," his eyes moved between mine as his fingertips softly touched my cheek, "but all this made me realize just how much you mean to me. How much I could lose if anything happened to you."

Trapped in his gaze, I was unable to move or speak to stop him. Part of me wanted to kick and scream and beg for him not to say what I knew was coming. The other part of me wanted to hear it, wanted him to put words to the emotions I could see in his eyes.

"I love you, Bella."

I gasped as the words finally fell from his lips. They weren't the dull echo of a dream. His declaration was firmly seated in reality, hovering in the small space between us, freeing me and suffocating me at the same time.

"I never thought I could feel so much for anyone, but you always seem to prove me wrong. I love you more than I ever thought myself capable of and I can't see my life without you." His hand slid down to my neck. "Everything I have is yours, Bella. I'm yours...forever."

In the space of a heartbeat, his kiss had me breathless as I gave in. My hand gripped his shirt, pulling him toward me as I relished in the feeling of him kissing me, holding me, surrounding me with love.

This kiss was different than the first. There was no urgency, no rush. It was soft and sweet and careful. He was always careful not to hurt me. Just like…

My body stiffened and my hand moved to his shoulders, pushing him back.

"Stop," I mumbled against his lips.

I pushed harder.

"Stop. Stop."

"What's wrong? Are you okay?"

I pushed again and he nearly fell off the bed.

"Bella, what…?"

What was I doing? It was too soon. This was all too soon.

"Get away from me." A sob tore through my chest. "I can't do this. You have to go."

"Bel-"

"Just go, please."

"Not until you tell me what's wrong," he argued, reaching for my hand.

Jerking it away, I cried, "Nothing. Just go."

He didn't move and just his presence made me cry harder.

"Leave, Carlisle. You can't be here."

I needed him gone, as far away from me as possible.

"Bella, you're upset and I'm not leaving you like this." He reached for me again. "Please just talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."

He grabbed my hand when I tried to push him away again, and then easily grabbed my left arm above the brace. Sitting on the bed again, he held me in place. I cried and fought against him, begging him to let me go but he held on while pleading with me to talk to him.

Tears poured down my cheeks as I cried. I wanted to tell him everything. He needed to know, not for the case but for himself. He needed to know why I couldn't. Why I never could.

"I loved him," I choked, "but he… he… didn't…"

I finally broke, wholly and completely, curling in on myself and crying as the last wall around my heart – the one that kept Edward inside – shattered and took me with it.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

The room was dark when my eyes finally opened. Everything was quiet except a soft humming coming from behind me. I flinched and hissed from the pain as I tried to turn to find the noise, but it suddenly stopped.

"Shh, sleep, Sweetheart," Carlisle whispered as his fingers ran through my hair.

When I tried to move again, I couldn't. The arm I didn't realize I was laying on bent and his hand cupped my shoulder as he hugged me.

"I got you. You can sleep."

His voice was so soft that, had I been tired, I could have used his gentle tone to help me sleep, but I wasn't. Instead I asked, "Is it nighttime already?"

"No," he whispered. "Soon, but not quite yet." He placed a soft kiss on my head. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head slightly. "What happened?"

"You wouldn't stop crying." His hand squeezed my shoulder. "Your heart monitor went out of control and the nurse came in to check on you."

I heard him sniff like he'd been crying and I felt guilty. This was the reason. This was exactly why he shouldn't love me. He shouldn't want anything to do with me. I would hurt him. Time and time again all I would ever do was hurt him.

"When you wouldn't calm down, she gave you a mild sedative," he continued. "It wasn't very peaceful but you've been asleep for the last several hours."

"You stayed with me?"

"I wouldn't leave you."

"You should."

"I can't."

Nothing else was said as we laid together in the darkness provided by the closed curtains. He continued to hold me and stroke my hair and I had a hand resting on his arm, keeping him close. I knew he would get the wrong idea, that I had accepted him and the love he offered, and I would feel guilty about it later, but I needed him now.

The memories wouldn't stop and my emotions were in chaos. In five month, he'd become someone I could count on, someone who gave me strength. He was my rock and even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn't force him away if I wanted to.

"Six months ago," I spoke quietly, "I was engaged. Our wedding was scheduled for next month."

A sob caught in my throat and Carlisle's arm tightened around me.

"Bella, stop. Don't do this. I have enough...more than enough to help you. I know how hard this has to be. You don't have to tell me anything. I promise we'll be fine. We'll win this case and I'll get you out." He kissed my hair again. "No matter what, I'll get you out."

I didn't know if it was the comforting silence or the cover of darkness but I was thankful for whatever made my decision easier. Ignoring his plea, I squeezed his arm, drew from his strength and began.

"Before I met Edward I expected him to be like any other man, nothing special. And just like all the rest, I knew I needed to keep my distance." I shrugged. "Well, as much as I could considering he was going to be training me. I never expected for us to spend so much time together."

"What changed," he asked quietly.

"Ben."

"Ben?" He repeated the name like a question.

"Yes. Ben Cheney, my best friend, decided he was going to set me up."

"What do you mean he set you up?" His voice had a bite of anger to it.

I tapped his arm in comfort. "Calm down, Counselor. Ben's always had my best interests at heart and he knew exactly what he was doing when he sent me to Edward." I paused and smiled. "It just took us a little while to figure it out."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_**January 17, 2009**_

_The tall, dark-haired man led me around the edges of the mat, which took up the majority of the room, and into the space between the front of the gym and the back._

"_So, I hear you're pretty good in the art of defense," he said as we came to a stop._

"_I don't think I'd go that far," I answered._

"_That's not what I heard," he said._

"_Yeah, I heard you were throwing ole Ben around like a rag doll."_

_The new voice close behind me startled me and reflex kicked in as I stepped back and threw an elbow in his gut, then reached behind me, got a good grip and tossed the man over my shoulder. He hit the ground hard and I followed with a knee in his throat._

_The first man was joined by a second, who looked so similar they could be brothers, and the two were laughing and pointing at the third man on the floor._

"_Told you I let you win all the time," the second man said._

"_Think you met your match, Ed." The first laughed harder._

_A split second later, I was lying flat on my back. His legs were tangled with mine holding them down and both my hands were in one of his. With the other circling my throat, he smiled._

"_Nice try, little girl," his eyes narrowed slightly, "but I'm not Ben."_

_With that, he rolled away and sprung to his feet, holding out a hand to help me up. I scrambled to my feet without his help and stood a safe distance away, just in case._

_The man I assumed to be Edward Masen stood there bare-chested and a little flushed as he joked around with the two russet-skinned men that were teasing him just a minute earlier. Within seconds, one was dropped on his ass while the other was forced into a headlock._

_I began to think Ben was right. I didn't know what training he had, but with as quick and fierce as he seemed to be, he was definitely the right man to teach me what I needed to know._

_With the man still in a headlock, he turned to me. "It's nice to meet you, Ms. Shores. I'm Edward Masen."_

_I was a little surprised to hear him speak so easily while keeping the other man completely under his control and was only able to mutter a shy hello._

"_This," he kicked his foot at the guy trying to pick himself up off the floor, "is Quil Atera. And this," he tilted the other man's head up a fraction, "is Jared Cameron."_

_He released Jared's head and backed away a step, settling himself in a defensive position in case they tried to retaliate._

"_They help out teaching defense classes. Though, I may have to rethink that if they can be taken down so easily." He chuckled._

"_Screw you, Ed," Quil mumbled, holding his jaw as he stood._

_Edward laughed again._

"_They also jump in for sparring if I need it and they help me train our fighters."_

"_It's nice to meet you," I muttered._

"_You two get back to work while I show Ms. Shores around," Edward ordered._

_They mumbled their goodbyes and went back to the class in the front of the gym._

"_I'm glad you're here, Ms. Shores. You couldn't have come at a better time." _

_Edward brushed my shoulder as he walked past me, talking fast. I followed him to the back of the gym and into a small office. There were stacks of papers covering the desk, a file cabinet with the bottom drawer partially open with a binder sticking out of it._

_I had to stifle a laugh as he rummaged around the desk, pushing stacks of papers out of his way and mumbling about finding something._

"_There they are."_

_He picked up a key ring and tossed it to me._

"_I may be a good trainer, Ms. Shores, but I suck at paperwork. When Ben told me you were coming, I jumped at the chance to finally get this mess in order."_

"_I'm sorry?" I shook my head, unable to follow his one-sided conversation. "What are you talking about?"_

"_I've served two tours in the war, trained squadrons to kill a man with their bare hands, and trained a hundred men to incapacitate an opponent in seconds," he flashed a lopsided grin and his deep green eyes sparkled, "but put me in a roomful of paperwork and I'm ready to run away screaming."_

_I couldn't help but laugh at this man – this soldier – in front of me afraid of a few stacks of paper._

"_Anyway," he pulled me from my thoughts, "the gold keys are for the building, the big one opens the front door and the smaller opens this office. The gym opens at 9am and I expect you here no later than eight. There's a lot to do to get ready for the first class and we…"_

"_Wait. What?" I stopped him. "You expect me to work here?"_

_His face lost all semblance of humor._

"_When Ben called, he told me you would be coming here to train."_

"_Yeah, train…not work," I corrected him._

"_But he also said you would need a job and a place to stay when you got to town." He shrugged. "You've heard the saying 'killing two birds with one stone?' Well, I can kill three."_

"_Well aren't you an overachiever." I shot the words at him._

"_Damn right." He grinned again. "You can work here during the day and when the gym closes, we can work on your training." I stood speechless as he motioned to the key ring. "The silver key there is for your new apartment."_

"_Apartment?" I couldn't believe what he was telling me. "How…?"_

"_Not an apartment, really. I own a small duplex a few blocks from here. My last tenant moved out a little over a month ago and I hadn't found another one yet. After talking to Ben, I stopped looking and got it ready for you." His face fell and a bit of his confidence left him. "I hope that's alright."_

"_Um… I… No… I mean yeah, it's fine. I just didn't expect…"_

_Edward held up a hand to stop me. "Ben's been my best friend for more than twenty years and in all that time, I've never heard him talk about someone the way he did about you. I'd do anything for him and because you seem to mean so much to him and because he asked, I'll do anything I can to help you too."_

_I looked from him, to the set of keys in my hand, and then back to him again, completely taken aback by his offer. The words were quiet when I finally found my voice._

"_Thank you, Mr. Masen."_

_The corner of his mouth lifted. "Edward…please."_

"_Edward," I said his name and smiled. "I don't know what to say."_

"_Yes usually works."_

_I thought about it for a few minutes before answering. "Okay then, yes."_

_His smile lit up the room and then fell again as he checked his watch._

"_I'm sorry but I have to get back out there. Jared and Quil should be about done." He pulled a piece of paper from the top desk drawer. "Here's the address and directions to the apartment. We'll talk about rent and everything else tomorrow. For now, you go settle in and I'll see you here first thing in the morning."_

"_Thank you, Mr. Ma-" He gave me a pointed look. "Sorry. Edward. This means a lot."_

"_Glad I can help." He moved passed me to the door. "See you tomorrow, Ms. Shores."_

"_Edward," I called and he turned. "Call me Jessica."_

_His brow furrowed and his face scrunched a little. "Hmm… you don't look like a Jessica." _

_Beads of sweat popped up on the back of my neck as he studied me. No one had ever questioned my name before and it made me nervous. He tilted his head. _

"_It doesn't fit." He smiled again. "Can I call you Jess?"_

_I let out a silent sigh of relief and returned his smile._

"_I'd like that."_

_~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~_

"He sounds nice," Carlisle said, breaking me from the memory.

"He was the best," I answered.

"You miss him."

It wasn't a question but I answered anyway.

"Every day." I blew out a heavy breath. "I'm getting better though. I can go days at a time now without thinking about him at all."

"Bella, you can't just forget."

"What choice do I have?" I squeezed his arm again. "It's not like he's coming back."

The door opened and the light came on before Carlisle could respond.

"Ms. Swan," the doctor said as he strode into the room, "I'm glad to see you're finally awake,"

Carlisle let me go and grunted as he moved to get off the bed. I braced myself for the pain but it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. Once I had the bed to myself, I rolled onto my back and found the button to incline the bed.

"Not so fast," the doctor said, placing a hand over mine. "Let's lie you down flat so I can examine you." He shifted his attention. "Mr. Cullen, would you mind stepping out for a minute."

"Not at all. I have a few phone calls to make anyway," he answered before squeezing my hand. "I'll be back soon."

I nodded and watched him leave then turned my attention back to the doctor.

"Who are you?" I asked. "I mean, I've only seen one doctor since I woke up and it wasn't you." I felt my anger flare and didn't feel like dealing with this man. "I've been in more hospitals than I care to count and I was constantly harassed by doctors and nurses coming and going to do their checkups. So why is this the first time I'm seeing you. Do you just not care about your patients? Are we cutting into your golfing time?" I said irritably.

He chuckled and put down the chart he'd picked up from the end of my bed. "I'm Doctor Reyes. I performed your surgery yesterday and I've actually been in a few times today. Unfortunately, you've been asleep every other time I've come in here. Since I didn't necessarily need you to be awake to check your incisions and you haven't complained to the nurses about feeling any discomfort, I chose to let you sleep."

"That's bullshit," I argued. "Aren't you required to wake me up to ask me asinine questions that you really don't need the answers to? Isn't that how it works, Doctor?"

He simply shrugged. "While that rule _is_ number one in the doctor's handbook, I've never been one to follow convention." He nodded to the nurse then looked back at me. "Now, lift the gown, Ms. Swan, and let me check your incisions one more time. Oh and now that you're awake, I have a few asinine questions of my own for you."

He didn't even try to hide his grin. I huffed and rolled my eyes.

I liked him. He didn't get offended by my attitude or try to prove his authority like some doctors would. He flowed with me, took my angry words and turned them right back on me without being an asshole. He reminded me of Carlisle and that made me smile…internally, of course.

Doing as instructed, I placed my hands over my head and, in a practiced move, he and the nurse moved as one to lift my sheet and gown at the same time so no part of me was exposed.

Doctor Reyes did his examination, pressing the skin around the four tiny incisions to make sure there were no problems. And true to his word, he did ask me those idiotic questions that I'd already given answers to more than once throughout the night. But, because I liked him, I answered each one without argument.

When his examination was done, he dismissed the nurse and sat down to have an actual conversation with me.

"Ms. Swan, I have to tell you I'm rather concerned about your health," he began.

"Kinda goes with your job description, doesn't it?" I answered.

"I guess it does." He laughed. "To be frank, Ms. Swan…"

"Call me Bella," I offered.

He smiled. "Bella, I'm worried about what will happen to you once you're released from here. It's going to take a few weeks before the staples can be removed. Any trauma to that area until then could cause serious complications." He took a breath. "I've been told what happened to bring you here. Can you promise me there will be no fighting while you're body is trying to heal?"

I wished I could. I wished I could tell him he wouldn't see me ever again but it wasn't possible. I was going back injured, which put a huge target on my back, and the odds of Victoria and Jane jumping me the second I was released back on the block weren't in my favor.

"It's prison, Doctor. And there are people there who would give anything to see me dead. I can always say I won't go looking for trouble, but that doesn't mean it won't find me."

A knock on the door halted our conversation.

"May I come in?" Carlisle asked sheepishly.

"Would you mind giving us…?" Doctor Reyes started but I cut him off.

"Please, Doctor, I would feel better if Mr. Cullen was here."

"Alright." He motioned for Carlisle to come in. "Mr. Cullen." The doctor nodded his greeting.

When Carlisle sat down, Doctor Reyes continued. "I was just telling Bella that I need her to refrain from fighting when she's released back to the prison. Any altercation would be detrimental to her recovery."

"I agree completely," Carlisle answered. "I've already got an order from the judge and all they would need is a request from you stating she be placed in the infirmary for the duration of her recovery."

"They'll do that?" I asked.

"Of course they'll do it…per doctor's orders, of course. And it's a heavily guarded area so you'll be safe."

"That would be perfect. I'm sure one of the nurses can find the correct paperwork. I'll sign it and fax it immediately." He wrote a few notes into my chart before turning back to me. "The other thing that has me worried, Bella, is the head injuries you've suffered.

"You already have significant damage to this area of your brain." He drew a half circle from my right temple to the base of my ear.

"I know. Years ago, my doctor told me that area would never fully heal. It was something I was going to have to live with," I admitted, sending a worried look at Carlisle.

This was something he didn't know, or at least I didn't think he did, and I was afraid of how he'd take the news. As I thought, he looked sick and worried and angry all at once, and I knew I was going to hear about this lack of information as soon as Doctor Reyes left.

"And," the doctor continued, "there is evidence of multiple concussions, though, I can't say for sure how many."

"Six," I offered before he could ask. "At least I think there were six. Four were treated in the hospital and I believe there were two others, but I was never taken in for those."

Carlisle shifted in his chair. This had to be hard on him. He may have had all the medical reports but there were still some things I hadn't told him. I just didn't think it was necessary.

"With this latest head trauma, I'm sure you can understand my concern."

"Of course I do," I snapped. "I'll be the first to admit that my head is screwed up, but there's nothing I can do about it. The damage is already done and I'm stuck living with the consequences forever."

Carlisle's hand touched my hip under the blanket and it brought me back down again. I took a deep breath to regain my control.

"Look, I know I have to be careful. Believe me, that's been explained to me on numerous occasions, and I was…for a long time. But my past caught up with me and now I'm stuck in a place where I have no control over anything." Discreetly, I moved my hand to cover Carlisle's where it rested on my hip. "I can try to be careful, but if someone wants to hurt me they'll find a way to do it."

"Unfortunately," the doctor nodded, "I know you're right. The only thing I can do is order a monthly test to be done here in our facility so we can monitor your condition." He wrote a few more notes on my chart. "I'll take care of that when I fax over the rest of your paperwork.

"Well, I think I'll let you get some rest now." He stood and offered a hand to Carlisle. "It was nice to see you again, Mr. Cullen."

"Likewise." Carlisle shook his hand and nodded.

"Ms. Swan…Bella, I'll be leaving for the day and the doctor on staff will be in to see you in a few hours."

"Wonderful." The word was laced with heavy sarcasm.

He smirked. "I'll ask him to keep the 'asinine questions' to a minimum." He air quoted my words and I smiled.

"You do that."

He walked to the door but turned back with his hand on the handle.

"Oh and I agree with Nurse Walker, the psych eval isn't necessary."

"The what!" I growled. "You think I'm crazy? That I need to see a shrink?"

Carlisle's hand touched my shoulder. "I'll take care of this one, Doctor," he said. "Have a good evening."

Doctor Reyes was more than happy to rush from the room as I turned my anger toward Carlisle.

"You have five seconds to explain!"

"Sweetheart…"

"Don't 'sweetheart' me, Carlisle. What the hell is he talking about? I'm not fucking crazy and I don't' need some shrink to come in here…"

His hand covered my mouth, careful not to touch my nose.

"Bella, no one thinks you're crazy." He moved his hand as he explained. "The nurse became concerned when you did nothing but stare at the walls all night, completely unresponsive. She took it as a sign of depression and put a recommendation for a psychological evaluation in your chart."

He sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed my hand.

"I spoke with a different nurse this morning and told her that it was unnecessary. I told her there was nothing for her to be worried about. That it just took you some time to warm up to new people."

His smirk irritated me and I tossed his hand into his lap.

"All you really needed to do was open up to the doctor. Now that you have, he was obviously able to see that you're perfectly fine."

"Whatever."

I crossed my arms over my chest and sucked in a breath as the motion sent a jolt of pain through my body. Carlisle's hands were on me immediately.

"Are you okay?"

I took a few deep breaths and nodded.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it. The day's been a little crazy, you know."

Now that I was thinking a little more clearly, I knew it was something he normally wouldn't have kept from me.

"I know."

"Oh," his eyes sparkled as he perked up again, "while I was out, I stopped by the cafeteria to pick up some food for you. I was sure your dinner would be cold by now, so I grabbed a bowl of soup for you. Don't worry," he said when I was about to protest, "Chelsea said it would be fine as long as you just drank the broth."

"Who's Chelsea," I snapped at him.

"Your nurse. You know…the one who was in here with the doctor earlier." He smirked. "As I was saying, since you're not allowed solid food until tomorrow, drinking the broth will be fine." He bowed and handed me a styrofoam container. "Dinner is served, Ma'am."

I rolled my eyes. "There really is something wrong with you, isn't there?" I teased.

"I just want to take care of you, that's all." He smiled and the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes caught my attention.

"Can I ask you a question?" I said after taking a few sips of my soup.

"Of course. You can ask me anything."

Stalling, I placed the soup on the table next to me before turning back to him.

"How old are you, Carlisle?"

"Old enough to know I shouldn't answer that question."

"You do realize only middle aged women feel the need to hide their age. Oh wait." I smirked. "I get it." I drew out the words to tease him. "I wouldn't tell either if I was over fifty. Don't worry," I put my hand over my mouth and exaggerated a whisper, "I'll never tell."

In a flash, my arms were pinned to the bed and he was hovering over me.

"You're mocking me, Ms. Swan." His words sounded like a question.

"Who me?" My voice was pure innocence. "I would never."

He leaned in closer and I froze, thinking he was going to kiss me again. Instead, I shivered when his breath covered my ear.

"You shouldn't tease me, little girl."

Goose bumps covered my skin as his teeth nipped my ear. Pulling back, his eyes captured mine as he spoke.

"Things could get interesting when there are no cameras watching our every move."

"Maybe," I cocked an eyebrow, challenging him, "but the guards might have something to say about it."

Slowly, he leaned in, his face an inch above mine.

"They won't hear a thing." His voice was seductive.

"You're pretty sure of yourself." I was breathless.

"Damn right I am."

He jumped back just before his lips touched mine and I saw the nurse rush into the room. She checked my heart monitor as soon as she reached my bed and I was shocked I didn't hear it beeping like crazy.

"Are you alright, Ms. Swan? Do you need anything?"

"Everything's fine."

I tried to hide the irritation in my voice but I didn't think I succeeded. She had bothered me last night and her sudden interruption wasn't bringing her any closer to my good side tonight either.

Her eyes moved between Carlisle and I. I raised an eyebrow. He looked guilty. She grinned.

"Let me just check your vitals and I'll be out of your way."

She reached for my wrist but I pulled away before she could touch me.

"Doctor Reyes was just here. You don't need to do it again."

Her eyes narrowed as she glared at me. "Fine. I'll be back later."

Taking her eyes off me, she focused on Carlisle.

"Thirty minutes, Mr. Cullen."

Her voice was sugary sweet as she spoke to him and I wanted to punch her. Without another word, she left the room.

"Bitch." The word had almost no volume but, of course, he heard it.

"That wasn't very nice," he scolded me. "They're here to help you."

"It would be more helpful if they just left me alone."

He grabbed my hand and sat on the bed.

"Bella, please don't fight them," he spoke softly, gently touching my cheek. "I want you healthy. I need you strong and that can only happen if you let them do their jobs."

"I'm fine, Carlisle," I argued. "I don't need them hovering over me all the time."

"I know that, but they have no idea how tough you are. You're only going to be here for a couple more days so please…for me, play nice until then."

"And if I don't?"

"Well then," his grin returned, "I'll just find a way to leave you in a very," he inched closer, "very," closer, "good mood."

"I don't know. It would have to be something really," my fingers caressed his cheek as my other hand rested lightly on his shoulder, near his neck, "really good."

"So good."

The deep timber of his voice set a million butterflies loose in my stomach. My breathing picked up as I felt his short, heated breaths cross my lips. My fingertips found the corner of his mouth and then covered his lips.

I pulled my head away with a giggle. "Sorry, Counselor, kissing fifty year old men is not my style."

He moved his head away from my hand. "You think you're cute, don't you?"

"Yes, very," I teased.

"You're asking for it," he threatened.

"Nope. Told you fifty year olds don't do it for me. Sorry."

I waved a hand dismissively and he caught it. My hand hit the bed a split second after his lips crashed into mine. I grunted in pain. He apologized then tilted his head a little before claiming my lips one more time.

This kiss was gentle and sweet, full of all the caring and love he felt for me. When his tongue touched mine I knew I should have pushed him away. Stopped this before it went any further, but my hands betrayed me and pulled him closer.

Desperate to breathe, I turned my head away from his and he continued kissing along my jaw to my ear. A tiny moan escaped me as he took my earlobe between his teeth and then his lips.

When he let go, he whispered, "I don't want to leave you."

"Then don't." I wasn't ready for him to go yet.

"I don't have a choice."

Carlisle sat back, took my hand and kissed my knuckles.

"Visiting hours are over, but I'll be back tomorrow." He leaned in to kiss my forehead. "First thing in the morning."

Reaching up, I held his face in my hands. "Promise me something."

"Anything."

"Sleep." My lips touched his in the briefest kiss. "For me…please. I hate seeing you look so tired and I know it's because of me. So please, if just for one night, sleep."

His hand covered mine as he gave me a small smile and turned his head to kiss my right palm. He brought our joined hands to rest in his lap.

"Anything for you."

With one last kiss, Carlisle got up and walked to the door. Before he left, he turned and smiled.

"Just so you know, you were a little off." My brow furrowed, not knowing what he was talking about. "I'm thirty-seven."

Nine years wasn't a big difference, but I couldn't resist teasing him. Rolling my eyes, I mumbled, "Old man."

He laughed. "Sweet dreams, Bella."

"Sleep well, Carlisle."

He slipped from my room, leaving me alone for the night.

* * *

**So, who loves playful, loving Carlisle as much as I do? Hmmm…Bella **_**seems**_** to, but is that really the case. She's struggling and still isn't quite sure what she's feeling. I guess we still have to wait and see.**

**I love each and every one of you – old readers and new – you have no idea what your support means to me. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	30. Memory Lane

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH because, without them, I'd be a neurotic mess. I love you both so much.**

**Sorry everyone, I meant to post this a couple of days ago but I got distracted. Let's get you back to the story, shall we?**

* * *

**Chapter 30 – Memory Lane**

_**January 18, 2009**_

_I was buried up to my neck in paperwork. Edward wasn't kidding when he said he hated to do it and what he showed me in the office was nothing compared to the boxes that had been waiting for me in the storage room. By midday, I thought I was going to go blind but, instead, I was offered a much needed break from all the piles._

_"Hey Jess, we're heading out to lunch, wanna come?"_

_"We?" I lifted my head to see Edward standing in the doorway._

_He threw a thumb over his shoulder. "Me, Jared and Quil. I used to try and have weekly meetings with them but found it so much easier to do when food is involved."_

_"That usually makes a difference," I said, remembering how there were times I couldn't even talk to Jake without promising to bake something first._

_With a sigh, I pushed all thoughts of Jake aside and shook my head. I needed to keep a low profile and to do that, I needed to stay hidden as much as possible._

"_Thanks for the offer but I brought my lunch with me." He frowned and, before he could protest, I continued. "Besides, I've finally started making some headway in here and I don't want to lose momentum."_

_I offered him a smile so he'd believe I was okay with my decision._

_"Are you sure? We'll only be a couple of hours and we could..."_

_"I'm sure." I cut him off and shrugged. "And who knows, maybe by the time you get back, I might be able to see the top of my desk. Wouldn't that be something?" _

_The tiny jab at his administrative skills made him laugh and his mouth turned up on one side into a sort of half smile._

_"Pretty ambitious. Good luck with that." He tapped the doorframe. "I'll go ahead and lock up so you don't have to worry about anyone wandering in."_

_He said goodbye and I listened to their banter as they walked out together. It made me smile a bit when I heard one of the guys whine when he heard I wasn't coming, but I shut the emotion down quickly. I couldn't afford to get close to any of them. It wouldn't be good for any of us when James found me again and I had to leave._

_Letting people in was a liability and I'd left too many people behind already. I couldn't keep it up and expect my sanity to stay intact. So, I silently reaffirmed the pact I'd made with myself. No attachments...ever._

You're so full of shit, Bella. Remember how you ended up here.

"_Right," I mumbled to myself as the thought ran through my head. "How could I forget?"_

_Right on cue, as if he knew I was thinking about him, my cell phone rang. The sound reminded me why he was calling in the middle of the day, which was one thing he never did. Snatching the phone off the desk, I angrily pushed the button to answer._

"_You have a lot of nerve," I growled as the anger and frustration I'd held in all night spilled out._

"Well hello to you too, Sunshine_," Ben responded sternly. "_What the hell is _your _problem? I should be the angry one here since _I _was the one sitting up all night wondering if something happened to you. You didn't bother calling. You didn't answer any of my calls or texts. If Edward hadn't called _me _last night, I would have assumed the worst."

"_What's _my_ problem? Are you serious?" I shouted. "I want to know, Ben, exactly how big of a charity case did you make me out to be?"_

"What are you talking about?"

"_Oh I don't know. How about the fact that your _friend _thinks I can't find my own job? Or how about the nice little apartment he seemed to think I was in dire need of?" I was out of my chair and pacing the two feet of available space in the little office. "The man feels like he needs to take care of me and he doesn't even know me!"_

"That's what's got you in this mood? The fact that someone is being nice to you? Or is it the fact that I gave you a little help when you didn't ask for it?"

"_I'm not some leech who lives off other people, Ben. I can make my own way."_

"I never said you were. I know damn well you can manage on your own. I also know that this time you don't have to," he yelled. "As far as you being some kind of leech, let me ask you… that apartment Edward offered you… are you living in it rent free?"

"_No."_

"And your training? Is that free?"

"_No."_

"And are you working in that gym like a real employee, Bella? Will you be getting a paycheck for all your hard work?"

"_What's your point?" I grumbled, knowing I'd lost the fight._

"My point? Do I need one?"_ he huffed. _"Edward is a great guy with a kind heart who, I might add, didn't hesitate for one second when I said you could use his help. He offered you a place to live and a place to work so you wouldn't be left with nothing. You didn't have to accept either one, but the options were there if you wanted them. None of this was done out of charity. It was a kindness on his part and I would think, somewhere deep down, you would know the difference.

"Now, when you're done being a drama queen and get over yourself, you can call me back. Maybe you could even say thank you…if it's not too difficult for you."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

"Ms. Swan."

I was pulled from my dream with a shake of my arm and my body jerked upright. A hiss escaped my lips as the pain in my ribs took my breath away.

"I'm sorry. I hated to wake you," the nurse said quietly as she eased me back down. "You were thrashing around and groaning in your sleep and I was afraid you'd hurt yourself."

"It's okay," I assured her.

"Is everything alright? Are you in any pain? I can…"

I shook my head. "No, no, I'm fine. I don't need anything. Just a bit of my past catching up with me, that's all." I gave her the simplest explanation possible.

This nurse may have annoyed me last night, but I had promised Carlisle that I would try to be a little nicer and not let my temper and attitude take over.

She flashed a sympathetic smile. "Was it bad?" she asked curiously.

My brow furrowed as I stared at her.

"I'm sorry, it's none of my business," she backpedaled. "I didn't mean to ask."

I blew out a breath, feeling horrible for making her so uncomfortable.

"It's fine, really." I sighed and gave in. "I was just remembering an argument with an old friend." With a chuckle, I added, "If you haven't figured out by now, I can be pretty stubborn and hard-headed, and he called me on it."

"Sounds like he's a good friend?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Only your good friends can get away with that," she told me. "Telling you exactly what you need to hear, knowing it'll piss you off. They have no fear because they know, in the end, you'll thank them for it."

A grin spread across my face as I thought of Ben and all he had done for me.

"That's Ben alright," I muttered more to myself than her.

"Do you get to see him at all," she hesitated slightly, "where you are?"

"Sadly, no. He lives in Washington and even if he could, I'm sure he wouldn't want to see me."

"Why not?"

"Too many mistakes," was all I could say.

"Well, if he really is a good friend then he'll forgive you."

"I hope you're right," I replied.

Just the thought of losing Ben's friendship was too much to bear and I needed to change the subject.

"Um…I'm sorry to bother you, but can you get me a glass of water?"

Her concerned expression softened. "Sure."

She grabbed the pitcher off the bedside table and left the room for a minute. When she returned, I could hear the water and ice cubes sloshing against the plastic. She had a fresh cup in her hand and poured, handing me the glass once it was full.

"Thank you, nurse."

The water hadn't had a time to chill yet but just the liquid felt good as I drank the first cup in one shot.

"Mary," she said as she took the cup and poured another.

"I'm sorry," I questioned.

"My name." She smiled. "You can call me Mary. Sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last night, but you didn't seem up for any kind of conversation."

Guilt spread through me. "Sorry about that. Those old memories got the better of me last night."

"I understand." She checked her watch. "I better let you get some rest. Your lawyer will be here first thing in the morning, I'm sure."

I felt the blush burn my cheeks as I remembered what she had walked in on before Carlisle left.

"Listen, about that little scene earlier. We weren't…"

She held a hand up. "That's none of my business. I'll just remember to listen for the call button next time before I come rushing in." She winked at me. "Get some sleep now, Ms. Swan."

"Mary," I called.

She half turned, looking over her shoulder. "Yes."

"You can call me Bella."

She smiled. "Goodnight, Bella."

When the door closed, I rolled over, found a comfortable position and closed my eyes, hoping I could find peace enough to sleep.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_**January 18, 2009**_

"_I have to know why you're here, Jess," Edward asked seriously._

_We were standing together in middle of the ring in the back of the gym while Quil and Jared were cleaning up and wiping down equipment._

"_What do you mean?" I asked, confused. "I thought Ben told you that I…"_

"_I know what Ben told me, but I need to hear it from you. What are you trying to accomplish by being here?"_

_My eyes found the floor. How would I answer that question if I couldn't tell him the truth? How could you tell someone you just met that you need to learn to fight to stay alive? That the monster chasing you would surely kill you if he ever found you again._

"_Ben said you need to learn how to protect yourself," he said, drawing my attention. "Is that all there is to it?"_

_My head snapped up to see him staring at me. That was the second time his words caught me by surprise, as if he knew more than he was letting on._

"_What else could there be?" I rushed the words out. "Everyone should know self-defense, right?"_

_The words fell nervously from my mouth as I linked my fingers behind my neck, hoping to discreetly wipe away the beads of sweat that formed at his question. Fidgeting, I watched Edward's narrowed eyes studying me for just a second before his expression shifted and his shoulders dropped infinitesimally._

"_You know what, I don't need to know." His hand waved dismissively. "By the time I'm done with you, _no one_ will be able to hurt you."_

_The two words sounded like a threat and the tone of his voice sent a shiver down my spine. Ben never told me exactly what made Edward qualified to teach me but whatever it was, whatever he knew, made him dangerous. I could see it. Deep in his eyes. The ones piercing through me, holding me in place._

"_Jared…Quil," he yelled, turning away and releasing me from his gaze._

Holy shit, he knows.

_I turned my back, hands on my chest, gasping for air. His stare unnerved me, leaving me out of breath and light headed. Using the pretense of pulling my hair up, I took a second to get myself together again._

"_You good with that?"_

"_Cool. Give us ten minutes."_

_The voices behind me suddenly filled my ears as I took one last deep breath and refocused. I turned around just as Edward did and saw Quil and Jared jog back to the front._

"_What was that about?"_

_He looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I should have tried to pay better attention. Shaking his head, he walked toward me._

"_If we're going to do this, I need to know you're fully committed. I won't waste my time if…"_

"_I am," I told him. "I'm ready."_

"_There are a few things you need to learn if you're going to do this and do it right." Leaving less than a foot of space between us, he looked down on me. "Rule number one, you _must _be aware of everything around you. Everything you can see, feel, hear, touch, and even smell will alert you to a dangerous situation."_

_His words instantly put me on alert. Ben had used the exact same words when he started teaching me and now I knew where they came from._

_Edward smirked just as I felt the mat dip behind me. Quickly, I dropped down and swung my leg behind me, knocking Jared off his feet. Finishing the movement, I dug my foot into the mat and launched myself on top of him, pinning his arms and digging my knee into his neck._

_Edward laughed as Jared tapped on my knee. Getting up, I stayed in a defensive position until I was sure Jared wasn't going to make a move against me. Still laughing, Edward stepped in to help him up, over exaggerating his movements to dust him off._

"_Taken out by a girl," Edward teased. "Damn, that's gotta suck."_

"_Screw you, Ed." Jared threw a punch into Edward's shoulder. "Least she didn't get me first."_

"_Don't mind them."_

_Already on edge, the voice scared me and I swung my arm to my right. Quil's agonized groan hit my ears as I saw him go down. Taking a knee next to him, I laid a hand on his back._

"_Quil. Quil. I'm sorry." _

_Lying on his stomach, Quil's forehead and knees pressed into the mat and the position of his arms told me where I hit him._

"_Quil, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," I apologized again._

"_Damn that girl can hit," Jared whispered. _

_I heard the chuckle behind me and whipped around, instantly on my feet._

"_You think it's funny. I'll show you fucking funny."_

_I lunged at Jared but Edward caught me around the waist before I could reach him. Half a second later, I was on my back, arms and legs pinned again._

_Edward's face hovered a few inches above mine. "Rule number two, Killer. Lose the emotions. They'll only get you hurt."_

_~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~_

A cold hand on my arm startled me awake. I rubbed my eyes to clear them then looked up to see a nurse standing over me changing my IV bag.

"I know you," I croaked, my voice still thick with sleep. "Why do I know you?"

"Good morning, Ms. Swan."

Reaching over, I pulled the string to turn the overhead light on. Squinting against the brightness, I blinked a few times to adjust. When I could see again, I looked back up at her.

"Christy. Crystal." I shook my head. That wasn't right.

"Close." A smile spread across her face. "I'm Chelsea, your day nurse. Anything you need just push the button."

"Day nurse? What time is it?" I asked, looking at the drawn curtains.

"About six-thirty." I looked back at Chelsea and she nodded toward the window. "The sun's coming up. You want me to open the curtains?"

"Yes, please."

Light filled the room as she pulled open one side and then the other. Smiling, I decided to make another request.

"Chelsea, can I get up and walk around for a while?"

She frowned and looked at her watch. "Doctor Reyes doesn't get in for another hour. I could give him a quick call…"

"No, don't," I interrupted, not wanting to cause any trouble. "It's okay. I can wait."

"Are you sure? It will only take a minute."

"It's fine, really. It's only another hour, right?"

She nodded, did a few more checks and entered some notes in my chart. Before she left, she picked up a small duffle bag and put it on the bed beside me.

"Mr. Cullen brought this in for you. Everything you need to freshen up is in there along with a journal, a pen, and a book for you to read."

_The man thinks of everything._

I smiled "This is perfect. Now I can't wait for the doctor to get here so I can clean up."

"Soon," she assured me and then walked out the door.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

An hour and twenty minutes later, my legs were hanging over the side of the bed with Chelsea and Doctor Reyes steadying me on either side. They eased me off and held my elbows until I got my legs under me.

I'd been in this position before – going days at a time without walking because of an injury – and I knew it wouldn't take long to find my legs again. With their arms steadying me, I took a few seconds before taking my first step. The second and third came quickly after and by the fifth, both sets of hands released me.

Once he realized I was fine on my own, Doctor Reyes left with a promise to return for another checkup later. Chelsea stayed long enough to help me braid my hair before she also left me alone.

More excited than I should be, I grabbed the duffle bag from the bed and went into the bathroom. I really wanted a shower but had been advised against it at the moment. So using the cloth from the shower, I washed up, rubbed in the body lotion and sprayed some of the matching body spray. The jasmine and lily scent was subtle but nice. Flipping the bottle over in my hand, I giggled as I read the name. _Romance. _

"Cute, Counselor," I mumbled before putting everything back in the bag.

Feeling better than I had in months, I grabbed the bag and opened the door. Carlisle's smile froze me in place. He looked good – brighter and more awake than yesterday – and handsome as ever.

"Hey." My answering smile greeted him.

"Good morning," he said, standing from his chair and stalking toward me.

Towering over me, his eyes never left mine as he leaned down and pulled the bag from my hand. Lips brushed my cheek as he straightened up and the fingertips of his free hand grazed the skin along my neck before resting underneath my hair.

"You're beautiful."

My eyes closed and I breathed deep, taking him in. I smiled again and met his warm blue eyes.

"Will you take a walk with me?"

Concern filled his face. "Are you sure?"

"It's already approved. One quick trip around the floor." My face scrunched up. "One of the guards will have to follow us, of course, but at least I'm out of that bed."

Crossing the room in a few steps, he dropped the bag on the bed and came back to me. With a tiny bow, he offered me his arm.

"Shall we walk, my lady?"

My eyebrow rose. "You know you can't touch me out there."

He smirked, straightened up and clasped his hands behind his back. "I promise to behave myself."

I rolled my eyes, slapped his shoulder and laughed. "Let's go."

Ever the gentleman, Carlisle opened the door for me and led me through the door with a hand on my back. He nodded to the guards and we turned into the hallway.

"How was your night," Carlisle asked quietly.

I looked over my shoulder. Thankfully, the guard stayed about six feet back, allowing us to have a normal conversation.

Facing forward, I answered, "Restless actually."

"Pain?"

"Dreams."

He exhaled. "Edward?"

"It's so hard." I nodded and wiped the tear that fell. "Everything I've tried to forget is coming back."

"You don't have to forget him, Bella."

"What good does it serve for me to remember?"

"You loved him."

"Love," I corrected. "I still love him, Carlisle."

"I know."

Sadness deepened his voice and my stomach twisted. I didn't want to hurt him but my feelings for Edward hadn't changed and I wasn't sure they ever would. He had to know that.

"I'm sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear but I have to be honest with you."

"It's alright, Bella. You don't have to explain." He shoved his hands into his pockets. "When Alice returned from her trip, she told me everything and when I listened to all the recordings she'd made and I heard what your neighbor had to say."

"Esme," I whispered fondly.

"Yes, and after hearing her tell your story. There was no mistaking how much you loved him. I don't expect all that to go away. Not in six months. That would make you heartless."

"Carlisle…"

"No, please listen." He glanced at me and I told him to go on. "I didn't tell you I loved you expecting to hear it back. This whole thing scared me, Bella, and I was afraid if I didn't tell you now, something could happen and I'd never get my chance."

"You should know I'm tougher than that," I teased, avoiding the topic.

"I'll have to remember that next time." He chuckled but there wasn't a hint of the light-hearted sound reflected in his words.

We walked in silence for a while and as we got closer to my room I glanced back at the guard following us. He had drifted back another couple of feet and his eyes were on everything but us.

"I do care about you, Carlisle," I confessed. "But I can't let myself love like that again. The first one ripped my heart out and that's a pain I wouldn't survive again."

His steps faltered slightly but he didn't answer and our walk ended in silence. Again, he opened the door for me, escorting me back into the room. The second the door closed, he spun me around and slipped his arms around my waist, dropping his head to my shoulder. My arms wrapped around his shoulders, bringing him closer to me.

"I'm sorry for yesterday," he whispered.

"What are you sorry for?" I asked, running my fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck.

"Everything, hugging you and kissing you, it was all so wrong." He sniffed then lifted his head to look at me. "I can only imagine the pain you suffered with Edward. You don't need me making that worse."

Carlisle's hands cradled my face and his glistening eyes bore into mine. Seeing the tears filling his eyes caused mine to spill down my cheeks. Ever so gently, his thumbs wiped them away.

"You know how I feel about you, so I'll be here whenever you're ready."

"Don't say that." My hands came down to cover his. "You can't put your whole life on hold for me, Carlisle. I won't let you do that."

Linking our fingers together, he pulled our hands between us. Before I could speak, he leaned in and kissed me, soft and sweet and over way too fast. A sad smile returned to his face.

"Before you, my work was all that mattered to me. No matter what does or doesn't happen between us, I'll always have that."

He stole another quick kiss before taking a step back. His whole demeanor changing and bringing a sparkle back into his eyes.

"Now, why don't you climb back into bed and you can tell me all about the lovely Esme." He walked me back to the bed and helped me under the covers before taking his seat next to the bed. "She sounds like someone you really cared about."

"Oh she was." I shook my head. "No, she _is_. I really miss her. She was like a second mom to me."

"See," he said abruptly, "here's one thing I don't quite understand."

He was all business now as he reached automatically into his briefcase to pull out his recorder, setting it on the table.

"You were on the run for years, isolating yourself from everyone, then out of nowhere you suddenly decided to start making friends. It doesn't make sense to me.

"Before she got to Forks, Alice found three people who knew enough about you to be credible character witnesses, though none of them knew you personally. Then it was like everything changed. Like you dropped your guard or something."

"I didn't drop my guard. I needed help." His head tilted in confusion. "As crazy as it seems to me now, Ben scared me. He was getting too close, becoming too interested in me and I didn't know what to do about it. I begged for Carmen's help but she'd known Ben her whole life and believed him to be harmless. I couldn't get her help without telling her a little about my past. I didn't tell her much but it was enough to get her to talk to Ben and have him back off.

"My problem was that Ben was more persistent than I'd planned a lot smarter than I realized. From the little Carmen told him, he figured things out and confronted me. He told me he knew what was going on and could help me. He offered me the one thing I desperately needed." I paused and met Carlisle's eyes. "He offered me a life without fear."

He reached up and brushed at my cheeks again when my tears spilled over. Finished, he went to pull away but I grabbed his hand, holding it for comfort and strength.

"I was tired of running," I admitted. "I would have given anything if I could just… just make a life somewhere. He was offering me that so I took it.

"We had fun together and became such good friends. He always wanted more but I never saw him that way. In such a short time, Ben became the closest thing I had to family and when I had to leave, I couldn't force myself to give him up. I'd already given up one family; I couldn't do it again.

"We talked constantly and he helped me a lot, both emotionally and financially, after I left." I chuckled. "Ben kept me from going crazy and when I was ready to give up, he talked me down, set me straight and then he sent me to Edward."

I shifted in the bed and hissed when I moved too fast. Carlisle was attentive, ready to call for Chelsea if I needed her. I waved him off and told him I was fine. Blowing out a deep breath, I finished.

"Moving to Bakersfield changed my whole life. Edward, Jared, Quil and Esme…we became a family. For the first time in years, I felt completely safe and protected and I finally felt like I found a home."

Carlisle squeezed my hand. "You…"

His sentence was cut off as a young woman with dark hair came walking into the room carrying a silver tray. Chelsea followed her in with a smile.

"I trust you enjoyed your walk this morning, Ms. Swan."

I returned her smile. "It was nice. Thank you."

She nodded and motioned toward the tray. "Eggs and potatoes just as promised." She winked. "Remember, you promised to let us know if your stomach is unable to handle it. We'll have to restart your IV if you can't keep it down."

I nodded. "Yes, Chelsea, I remember."

"Good, I'll leave you to it." She turned to Carlisle. "Mr. Cullen," she said quickly then left the room.

Carlisle had already situated the tray in front of me while Chelsea had my attention. I was famished and grabbed the fork, stabbing a potato and a bit of the eggs before shoving them into my mouth. He had the nerve to laugh at the face I made as I chewed the tasteless food.

After choking it down, I took a drink of the juice that came with my meal. "Ugh…that's awful."

"Don't you just love hospital food?" Carlisle smirked, failing miserably to hide his laughter.

"Shut up."

I shoved his arm before dutifully choking down a second bite. We talked casually while I ate and when I was done, I drowned the taste in the last of the juice and dropped my fork.

"I wonder…" I let the sentence hang.

"Wonder what?" he asked.

"If I sent a sample of that food to Esme and had her taste it, if she would say I had enough evidence to sue the hospital for trying to poison me?"

"She's a good cook I take it?" He chuckled.

"Oh, you don't even know." I thought back to the first breakfast Esme ever cooked for me. "That woman could take a piece of styrofoam and make it taste like it came from a five-star restaurant."

"You're so full of shit." He laughed at me.

Loving his playful side, I decided to play along. Covering my heart and I gave him my best shocked face.

"Mr. Cullen, how dare you talk to me that way," I teased.

He rolled his eyes. "She was really that good, huh?" I nodded. "Then you're going to have to sweet talk her into making us dinner when this case is over."

Just the thought sobered me up. All the teasing gone.

"I don't think so. I can't face her."

"Please don't tell me you think she blames you for what happened."

"She would never come out and say it, but it's in her eyes." I swallowed hard. "And I don't blame her. It was my fault."

"I've heard the tapes, Bella. I've heard how much she cares and worries about you."

"She did."

"Does," he corrected me. "Present tense, Bella."

"I don't see how she could."

"Tell me about her." He grabbed my hand. "Maybe it'll help you remember the woman she really is and not who you've made her out to be."

Exhaling loudly, I settled back into the pillows.

"She should have hated me from the second we met."

"Why would you say something like that?"

"I didn't really make the best first impression." Smiling warmly, I remembered our first meeting.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_**January 18, 2009**_

_My arms were tired and shaky as I turned the key to unlock the door. Dropping my purse, I practically crawled up the stairs to find my bed. After spending the better part of our two-hour training session on the mat, I'd never been more sore or exhausted in my life._

_I thought I had learned enough about self-defense that I could handle myself but against Edward, it was like I didn't know a damn thing. All night, after he'd picked me up from the mat, he showed me what I'd done wrong and how to execute each move properly._

_At the end of the second hour and Edward was, once again, on one knee next to me, trying to help me up for the hundredth time, I found myself cursing Ben for not teaching me enough._

_The thought brought Ben to the forefront of my mind and I felt the anger welling up within me again. All night long, Edward had made enough comments to convince me that he knew more than he should have about me and the only person who could have told him was probably sleeping peacefully a thousand miles away._

"_Peacefully my ass," I mumbled as I dug my phone out of my jacket pocket and hit number two on my speed dial._

_The first call went to voicemail and the second rang four times before his grumbling voice filled my ear._

"Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"_You better explain and explain now!"_

_He exhaled. _"Explain what, Bella."

"_Don't play dumb with me, Benjamin Cheney! I know you fucking told him!"_

_I was sitting on the edge of my bed, yelling into the phone, unable to believe I'd been betrayed by my best friend._

"Told who what?"_ he asked through a yawn._

"_Edward!" I screamed. "I know you told him!"_

"Bella, calm down."

"_I won't calm down you son of a bitch. I trusted you. You're supposed to have my back and you fucking betrayed me!"_

"Wait. What are you talking about? What does Edward know?"

"_Everything! How could you do that to me?"_

"I don't know what you're talking about, Bella."_ He rushed through the words. _"I never told Edward anything. I would never do that to you."

"_Then how does he know the name I gave him isn't real? How does he know someone's after me and I'm fighting for my life?"_

"He said that to you,"_ he said incredulously. _"Bella, I swear, I never…"

"_He didn't say those exact words." My fingers gripped my hair as fought for control against my anger. "It was the way he looked at me. The way he said certain things. He knows, Ben. I know he does."_

"Bella, listen to me."_ His voice was calmer. _"I'm sure Edward doesn't know anything…_right now_."

_The way he said the last two words made me nervous. "What do you mean 'right now'?"_

_He cursed under his breath. _"I'm so sorry, Bella. I should have told you about this but I honestly didn't think about it when I told you to go."

"_Told me what, Ben?" _

"Bella…"_ He hesitated and then released a deep breath. _"Bella, Edward's always had this way about him, very observant and inquisitive. He asks the questions he knows will evoke certain responses in people and he analyzes everything he learns. He's a master at reading people and situations and seeing things no one else would."

"_So you're telling me he's going to figure everything out," I paused, "no matter what I do?"_

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't think. I should have known better before I…"

"_I have to go," I mumbled. "Back to Modesto or somewhere else. I don't care as long as it's away from here."_

"No!"_ Ben shouted. _"You can't go. Not now."

"_What am I supposed to do, Ben?" Tears stung my eyes. "He's already said that, based on whatever you told him, he will do anything he can to help me. What if his _help_ gets him hurt when James shows up? I've already got enough blood on my hands, Ben."_

"Bella, stop,"_ he ordered. _"How long did you train with him today?"

"_A couple of hours," I answered but shook my head. "What does that have to do with anything?"_

"Are you telling me that after those few hours, you don't think Edward could take care of himself? He's a soldier, Bella, trained to kill anyone that gets in his way. You shouldn't doubt him or his ability to help you."

"_It's not him I'm worried about, Ben." I fell back against the bed, a gust of air leaving my lungs. "Edward is…unreal. He's lethal but against someone as crazy as James, I'm afraid all his training wouldn't mean a thing."_

"Bella, don't underestimate him."

"_And you can't underestimate James," I argued. "He believes he's completely untouchable and he has enough money to go anywhere, to do and get anything he wants. And he wants me. _

"_His endgame is to get me back and he'll do whatever it takes to make that happen. He'll hurt anyone who gets in his way. I can't have Edward getting involved. He put enough on the line just taking me in but if he felt this crazy need to protect me…" I shook my head and wiped my wet eyes. "It can't happen, Ben."_

"Bell…honey, listen to me. Edward will be fine. You said it yourself, he _is _lethal but you're not."_ His voice softened. _"Stay where you are and let him train you. Then, if James shows up, you'll be able to handle him yourself. No one else will have to get involved."

"_You think it's that easy?"_

"Yes, I do. James isn't afraid of you. He won't think twice to come after you and when he does..."

"_You better be right, Ben," I cut him off, knowing what the end of his sentence would be._

"I am. Now trust me. Edward can take care of you better than anyone. Stay with him. Learn from him and if James shows his face, you _will _be ready."_ Ben took a breath. _"I care about you so much, Bella, and I want you safe. Edward will make sure that happens."

_Resigned, I exhaled loudly. "I'll stay. But if he gets too close to the truth…"_

"Then we'll find somewhere else for you to go."_ He gave in with a sigh._

"_I love you, Ben."_

"Sadly, in a completely fraternal kind of way." _He laughed and I joined in. _"Want me to stay with you until you fall asleep?"

"_Would you?"_

"Anything for you."

_Not bothering to change, I just curled up on the pillows and settled in. Ben and I talked about nothing and everything until sleep finally took me._

_The alarm startled me awake and I slapped at the clock to shut it off. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes before picking up the phone and typing a quick message to Ben._

Thanks for last night. Love you – B

_Grabbing my things, I headed for the shower. Thirty minutes later, I was dressed and ready to go when my phone buzzed with an incoming text. I smiled at Ben's name flashing on the screen._

What are friends for? I'm in the lab…call you later.

_Putting my phone in my pocket, I rushed downstairs and ate a quick breakfast before running out the door. I still had twenty minutes to get to the gym but I hated being late. That and I didn't need to raise Edward's curiosity any higher than it already was._

"_Slow down, honey. Where's the fire?"_

_The unexpected voice nearly knocked me off my feet and I put a hand out to catch myself if I fell. Thankfully, I righted myself before my face met the concrete. The defensive stance was automatic as I whirled around, hands up and ready._

_An older woman with graying brown hair sat on the small porch swing I had noticed when I moved in two nights ago. Her legs were curled up underneath her and she cradled a steaming cup of black coffee in her hands._

"_I see my boys taught you well." She quirked an eyebrow up at me as she lifted the cup to her lips._

"_What boys?" I asked sharply._

_Not intending the words to come out so harshly, I was about to apologize when she chuckled._

"_Edward did say you were a feisty one." She waved a hand at me. "Come sit and talk with me for a bit."_

_I relaxed a little at the mention of Edward's name but I had a feeling both he and Ben would kill me if I let my guard down simply because this sweet looking older lady claimed to know him._

Of course, he did say he owned the duplex. So he has to know her, right?

_My mind tried to rationalize the situation but the more sensible side of me fought against it._

No! Use your head, Bella. You've been here one whole day and you haven't seen your neighbor. It could be a trick. James could have put her here to set you up.

_My mind debated back and forth for a few more seconds before my legs made the decision for me and backed away from her._

"_Sorry, I have to go."_

"_Smart girl," she muttered under her breath. The grin that spread on her face was inviting. "It's okay, Jess. My name is Esme Evanson, I'm Edward's godmother." She motioned to the unit next to mine. "I live next door."_

_Still not quite ready to trust this stranger, I refused again. "That's fine, but I do have to go."_

"_I called Edward this morning and told him I wanted to speak with you for a few minutes before you head in today." She held up her phone, waving it at me. "You can call him if you like. He's already at the gym."_

_She seemed to be telling the truth so I decided to confirm it with Edward before I made another move. With my back to the car door and a few glances over my shoulders, I dialed the number._

"_Art of War," he answered with the generic greeting for the gym._

"_Ed-Edward," I stuttered his name. "It's Jessica."_

"_Morning, Jess." I heard the smile in his voice. "You survived the ambush, I take it."_

"_Um…" I didn't know what to say._

"_Or maybe not," he groaned. "I'm really sorry about her. Esme called this morning saying she wanted to meet you."_

"_But why?" I asked._

"_Not sure exactly but I swear, she's harmless." His laugh floated through the phone. "Stay and talk for a bit but make sure you're here before nine."_

"_Okay. I'll be in as soon as I can."_

_We exchanged goodbyes and I put my phone back in my pocket. Looking up at Esme, I saw her sitting in the swing with an extra cup of coffee in her hands. She flashed her smile again as I began to walk toward her._

"_You have until nine, right?" she asked._

_My brow furrowed. "How did you…?"_

"_I know that boy better than he knows himself." She motioned for me to sit but I felt too exposed out in the open._

"_Let's go inside," I said, motioning towards my unit._

_Just like Edward, Esme's eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly as she stared at me, causing my eyebrow to lift in challenge. Half a second was all it took for her to smile in return._

"_Lead the way."_

_Her voice sounded sweet but I could detect a certain hardness to it. A slight edge that I might have missed if I wasn't paying attention._

_Evidently I had one thing to thank James for. He taught me how to listen._

_Esme stepped to the side of the door, giving me room to unlock it. When I pushed it open, I allowed her to go inside first. She shot me a knowing grin as she passed but didn't speak and headed straight for the couch._

_Again, my eyebrow rose at her boldness as she set both cups on the table then graciously curled a leg under her to sit at the end of _my _couch. Keeping my distance, I took my place in the armchair next to it._

"_I love this couch," she said as her eyes followed her hand as she rubbed it along the back. "When Ben called Edward and told him you were coming, he rushed around like a madman trying to find everything you would need for this place. He picked out everything else but I told him you had to have _this _couch. When he agreed, I called the store and had it delivered the next day."_

"_It's very nice."_

_I didn't know where she was going with this or what she wanted to talk to me about, so after answering, I waited. After a few seconds of silence, her head turned and her eyes locked on mine, holding me prisoner._

"_Did you know our units are mirror images of each other?" Her smirk intimidated me._

"_I don't know much about duplexes." I fought hard to keep the nerves out of my voice._

"_Then you wouldn't have known that my bedroom is on the other side of the wall from yours."_

_My stomach dropped._

"_And you might not have known that when one tenant is _screaming _in the middle of the night, the other can hear it…perfectly."_

_My entire body froze. _Fuck! She knows!

_I'd been so worried about Edward last night that I didn't stop to think about anyone else. Honestly, why would I? He had no reason to mention it so there was no way to know I was living next door to someone so close to him._

Shit! How the hell am I gonna get out of this?

"_I'm so sorry I woke you." I tried to play it off, looking contrite. "I promise you, no more late night phone calls. I didn't realize…"_

_Her laughter held no humor. "Jess, you don't raise a boy like Edward and not learn a few things along the way." Her smiled disappeared. "Like when someone is _lying _to you."_

_My eyes widened. "I… I'm not…" I began but closed my mouth and swallowed hard against the lump in my throat._

_I wanted to run but there wasn't a single working muscle in my body._

_Her eyes bore into mine. "Now, I try not to get into other people's business but when that business threatens to hurt my boys, I will do _whatever_ it takes to keep them safe. Do you understand me?"_

_I couldn't move. Her words were threatening, laced with a hatred I hadn't heard in anyone but James and it scared me. Scared me to the point of tears. I blinked fast to keep them at bay but a few slipped and rolled down my cheeks. _

"_So listen up, _Jess_," she spat the fake name at me, "I don't know who you are or what your story is but you better start talking. If you don't, you better pack your things now because I won't let you anywhere near Edward or Ben ever again. Do I make myself clear?"_

_My hands were shaking, my chest was aching and my breaths were coming so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I nodded my answer._

"_Good. Then start with your _real _name," she ordered._

"_B-Bella," I choked. "M-my name is Isabella S-swan."_

"_Okay Bella." The hard tone of her voice softened as she used my real name. "Now why don't you tell me what's going on? Who are you running from and what secrets are you and Ben keeping from Edward?"_

_I wanted to lie, to give in and take her second option to pack my things and go, but Ben was right. I needed Edward. So I had no choice but to tell Esme the truth._

"_My old boyfriend used to hurt me," tears poured from my eyes as I confessed, "and he threatened to h-hurt m-my friends if I left him."_

"_Oh honey," her anger turned to motherly concern, "I'm so sorry. Men like that are all talk. I'm sure he wouldn't have…"_

"_No, not him." I cried harder, shaking my head. "I tried to leave. Now my best friend is sc- scarred for life and my br… my brother…" A sob choked me. _

_Esme's arm was around my shoulders as she urged me to breathe. She held me against her chest, trying to soothe me while I cried. When I could finally catch my breath, I looked up to see her watery eyes._

"_My brother will never walk again." Her hands moved to hold mine. "I couldn't risk anyone else. I had to leave and I've been running ever since. I'm sorry I lied, but I can't let him find me again. If he does, I swear I'll leave."_

_I panicked and my fingers tightened around hers._

"_Please Esme, please promise me you won't tell Edward. I know you don't owe me anything but Ben told me what he's like and I'm afraid he'll do something or get in the way and he'll get hurt. I couldn't live with it if he got hurt too."_

_I broke into sobs and she drew me to her chest again, rocking me like my mom used to when I was a kid._

"_It's okay, honey. It's okay," she repeated as she stroked my hair._

"_It's not. I'll never get away. He'll find me." I took a stuttering breath. "He always finds me."_

"_I'm sorry, Bella." She pulled back, cupping my face with one hand. "I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but you don't have to do it alone."_

_I tried to argue but she put a finger to my lips to stop me._

"_We're a family, Edward, Ben, Jared, and Quil, and families stick together. They help each other and keep each other safe." She brought both hands to my cheeks. "Ben did the right thing sending you here. We'll help you and we will keep you safe."_

"_No." I shook my head then moved away from her. "There is no we. Ben risking himself is bad enough. No one else can know about this. Not Jared, not Quil and especially not Edward. He can _never_ know."_

"_Oh sweetheart, you know nothing about Edward, do you?" An inquisitive look crossed her face. "Can I ask you a question?"_

_I nodded. _

"_How did Ben get involved in this?"_

_I explained how Ben pursued me in the beginning and then, after speaking with Carmen, figured out what I was hiding. Esme sat in the chair I vacated and exhaled, that same motherly look settling on her features again. _

"_You have to know this is a secret you'll never keep," she said and I nodded._

_She stood quickly and drew me into a tight hug. In her arms, I lost my composure again. She soothed me and stroked my hair as I cried. When my crying finally stopped, Esme drew back with a hand on my cheek._

"_I know you don't want this but, Sweetheart, if Ben figured this out so easily, there's no way Edward won't. That's what he does. There are no secrets around him."_

_Shaking my head, I stepped out of her arms and walked past her. "I need to leave."_

"_And go where, Bella. You can't run forever."_

"_I can try."_

_~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~_

"But you didn't leave," Carlisle pointed out.

"No."

"Why not? You were so adamant that Edward didn't find out and she basically guaranteed he would. Why would you stay?"

"I guess Esme's conviction was stronger than mine." I took a deep breath. "Something I'm sure she'll regret forever."

* * *

**So, we got to see a little more of Edward which, of course, led us to Esme. I'll bet she wasn't quite what you were expecting was she. She's tough and I love her to death, hopefully I'm not alone.**

**I love each and every one of you – old readers and new – you have no idea what your support means to me. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	31. Our True Beginning

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH because, without them, I'd be a neurotic mess. I love you both so much.**

**A/N: So sorry for the delay but I hope this long chapter makes up for it. **

**Now…on with the story.**

* * *

_Previously:_

"_But you didn't leave," Carlisle pointed out._

"_No."_

"_Why not? You were so adamant that Edward didn't find out and she basically guaranteed he would. Why would you stay?"_

"_I guess Esme's conviction was stronger than mine." I took a deep breath. "Something I'm sure she'll regret forever."_

* * *

**Chapter 31 – Our True Beginning**

**February 26, 2010**

"When is this going to end, Bella?" Carlisle sounded angry. "When are you going to get it? No one blames you. In fact, some of Esme's last words on that recording were that she just wanted you to come home.

"Home, Bella." His finger touched under my chin to lift my head. "Are those the words of someone who hates you or resents you in any way? I don't think so."

His hand dropped to mine and he squeezed. His face held all the kindness I'd ever seen in him and it felt like I could breathe a little easier.

"She loves you. It's apparent in everything she says about you so please, don't doubt that now."

I knew his words were meant to be comforting but it was still so hard to believe. How could I? The five of them brought me into their family, accepted me completely as one of their own and how did I repay them? By ripping their family apart, that was how.

They could say it wasn't my fault. That they didn't blame me, but I had eyes. I could see the way they looked at me and it was never with love. That was taken from me. Taken from all of us.

I didn't want to talk about this anymore. "Carlisle, what's my trial going to be like?" I asked, changing the subject.

He expelled a heavy sigh and shook his head, knowing that the conversation was officially over. Instead, he answered my new question.

"With the death penalty off the table," he was all business again, "it is as we'd expected. The prosecution is still asking for a life sentence."

"And you're still going to argue that I was crazy at the time?" Annoyance slipped into my tone.

He rolled his eyes. "I've told you a hundred times, we're not pleading insanity, Bella."

"You might as well," she mumbled. "How else do you explain why I would invite the man I hated, the man I'd spent years running from, to come to my house for dinner?"

"Resigned indifference," he said plainly.

"That's not a legal defense."

"No, it's not but it does explain why, when you believed you had nothing left to live for, you would be willing to accept the one thing you could never escape."

"You make it sound so logical."

"That's why I make the big bucks." He laughed.

"Funny." I pushed against his chest. "What I really meant was what is it going to be _like_? How bad are they going to make me look?"

His face hardened slightly as his smile melted away. "They're going to make you out to be a cold, calculating killer who took James' life with absolutely no remorse. The prosecution will have learned of Jared, Quil and Edward's backgrounds and said you went there specifically to gain the skills necessary to do just that. And I guarantee you they'll make it look like you planned the whole thing to get your revenge."

"You've seen the photos and all the evidence," my voice rose in anger, "how could they possibly say that?"

"How tall are you, Bella?"

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"And how much do you weigh?"

"Seriously?" My anger exploded. "You're asking me how much I weigh? What the…?"

"You don't think they will?" He cut me off harshly. "You don't think they're going to ask how a five foot tall, one hundred pound girl was able to get the upper hand on man of his size without a plan?"

He let go of my hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. His eyes clenched tight and he took a deep breath before speaking.

"Bella," his voice was back to normal and he opened his eyes, "you were trained by one of the army's best men in hand to hand combat and a brilliant strategist. Any worthwhile prosecutor could argue that not only did Edward train you to kill, he could have helped you plan a way to end James' life and make it look like an accident."

"Edward had nothing to do with this!" I fumed. "He wasn't around to help me _plan_ anything."

"So you planned it all on your own?"

"Are you fucking insane? You think… How could you think…?"

My words died and I couldn't breathe. Carlisle shot out of his chair, his hand on my cheek.

"Shh, shh, shh, Bella, breathe…please. I'm sorry." Eyes closed, he rested his forehead against mine. "Please, Bella, I'm sorry."

"How…could you…?" I couldn't finish, taking in a deep breath.

"I don't, Bella," he answered my unfinished question. "You couldn't. I know you couldn't."

"Why?" I choked out.

My eyes clenched tight as I took more deep breaths, trying to get myself under control.

"I'm sorry." I felt his head move back and forth before disappearing all together. "It's a question the prosecution will ask and I played that role for just a minute and I'm sorry. I should have known better. I shouldn't have done that with your injuries being what they are right now. It wasn't the right time and…"

The vibration of his phone caught my ears and I opened my eyes to see him pulling it from his pocket. His brows knit together and the tiniest hint of that vein in his forehead popped out.

"Carlisle?"

He ignored me and typed furiously into his phone. His eyes never left his phone as he waited for a response. His arm flinched when I touched it and the lines on his forehead deepened as the response came back.

"Something's wrong," I said quietly.

"Alice needs me to call her right away."

"Tell me."

He looked up and gave me a fake smile. "Get some rest, Bella."

My hand clamped around his wrist. "No! You're not going to brush me aside." My words came slowly as I still battled for air. "Tell me what's wrong, Carlisle. You owe me that much."

Carlisle rubbed a hand over his face and groaned. He looked me in the eye and exhaled.

"One of our witnesses isn't exactly cooperating right now. Alice is having a tough time keeping things civil and needs my help. If I can't diffuse the situation over the phone then I'm going to have to go back to the office for a while and I really don't want to leave you for that long.

"Give me a few minutes to call the office. Hopefully, I can placate our witness and I can come back to finish what we started."

"Is it that bad?" I asked.

He gave me another smile and the worry I saw in it scared me a little.

"It's nothing I can't handle."

Concern twisted in the pit of my stomach as I thought about what this problem might mean to him. To me. But I held back any outward reaction to his words. I had to trust him. He would take care of whatever this problem was.

"As long as you're sure." Releasing his wrist, I gave him a little push. "Go make your call and hurry back."

"I'll do my best."

Another worried grin was all he left me with as he slipped into the hallway.

While he was gone, I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up a little. Telling Carlisle about Esme had made me cry so I took a minute to splash some water on my face to clear the dried tear tracks on my cheeks.

Leaving the bathroom, I walked to the window, staring out at the street below. Cars passed in a steady stream and people came and went as they move along with their daily lives. Watching the scene play below me was just another reminder of everything James took from me.

Edward and I had so many plans. The wedding being the start of everything. How ironic was it that the day after I was supposed to become Mrs. Edward Masen I was going to be on trial for murder. Fighting for my life in a whole different way than I'd ever imagined. Another tear rolled down my cheek again as I rested my head against the glass.

"Oh Edward, why couldn't I be strong enough? Why couldn't I just leave? You would have been so much better off without me. But no, I stayed. I stayed and I ruined your life.

"I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't give you up. And I know I promised but I couldn't walk away. Somehow you grabbed hold of my heart and you wouldn't let go. No matter what I did or how hard I tried to push you away, you wouldn't let me. Why Edward? Why did you hold on so tight? What good did it do either of us in the end?"

"Don't say that." I jumped at the sound of Carlisle's voice.

The door closed behind him and he crossed the room to pull me into his arms.

"He loved you, Bella, and you loved him with everything in your heart. Love like that is an amazing thing and it's something every person in this world hopes to find someday. You had that and no matter how long or short a time you had him, a love like that is something to be cherished."

"But if it wasn't for me…?"

"Stop."

Carlisle dropped his arms and grabbed my hand, guiding me around the bed and settling me into the chair. Kneeling in front of me, he tipped my chin so I was looking at him.

"What happened wasn't your fault. Once Edward learned the truth-"

"Don't you see?" I begged him to finally hear me. "That right there is the reason that every bit of this is my fault. I told Ben I'd leave if Edward ever got too close to the truth. I promised Esme I would run before anything could happen."

He stopped me before I could say more.

"Do you really think he would have let you?" Carlisle's eyes burned into mine.

"It wasn't his choice," I murmured quietly, fighting off tears.

"Not in the beginning…no. But the second he fell in love with you, he had every right to make that choice."

"He shouldn't have fallen in love with me, he didn't even know me."

"But he did, and when he learned the truth about who you were, he loved you even more. Edward was going to stand by you no matter what you did or how much you argued or tried to push him away. He made his choice and his choice was to be with you for better or worse." I cringed at his reference to the wedding vows Edward and I should have taken and Carlisle's fingers squeezed mine. "You can't blame yourself for the choices Edward made because he made them knowing the whole truth."

"That doesn't make it hurt any less."

"It's not going to, Bella, but I'm hoping that it will help you get over this guilt you're feeling because it's sorely misplaced. You didn't force anyone to do anything. You merely accepted what was right in front of you and held onto your love with both hands." His fingers grazed my cheek. "And, Sweetheart, that's never wrong."

My arms wrapped tightly around Carlisle's neck and I cried into his shoulder. I couldn't accept his words because, in my eyes, the fault was mine…completely and totally mine.

Edward may have made the choice to be with me though he shouldn't have even had the option. But I was too weak. Too weak to stay away and that weakness ruined everything.

When my tears finally stopped, I pushed away from Carlisle's comforting arms and wiped my cheeks.

"Are you okay?" he asked, offering me a weak smile.

I nodded. "So, what happened at the office," I asked, desperately needing to change the subject. "Is Alice alright?"

"Damn it. I completely forgot." Frustration painted his face as the vein popped out on his forehead again. "I'm sorry, Bella, I have to go and take care of this before world war three breaks out in my office."

My stomach dropped. The fact that this involved a potential witness made me uneasy. What if it messed up the case? What if losing this witness meant that I would live out the remainder of my life behind bars?

Five months ago, I had accepted this as my fate, my punishment for ruining so many lives, but now I wasn't so sure anymore.

"Then go." I pushed against his chest while trying to fight off the panic bubbling inside me. "Go help Alice and take care of business. It's so much more important than babysitting me all day."

I tried for a snicker but I was far too tense to pull it off. Carlisle looked at his watch and then back to me.

"It's ten forty-five. If I go now, I can be back here by four at the latest."

He said the words as if asking my permission. So I gave it to him.

"The faster you leave, the faster you can come back." I tried to smile but the churning in my stomach twisted it and his concern showed as he noticed.

"And you'll be okay here?" His words were hesitant. "Alone?"

"Hey, I've got my own personal guard right outside those doors. I'll be fine."

The words were meant to be a joke but my anxiety was getting the better of me and they fell flat.

"You're sure, Bella. I could call…"

"Get out of my room, Counselor, before I call Alice myself."

"I'm sure you would," he smirked, "_if_ you were allowed to use the phone." He chuckled and grabbed my wrists before I could take a swing at him.

Pushing himself to his feet, he took a few steps back before releasing my hands and moving quickly away from me. My arm shot out at him automatically and I gasped, clenching my eyes shut against the pain in my ribs. Carlisle was back in a second, touching my side.

"That's what you get for trying to hit me again," he joked, barely holding in his laughter.

"Oh shut up," I scolded him though I felt more light-hearted than I had a few minutes before.

"What?" He feigned innocence. "I'm just saying that maybe you should stop trying to hit me all the time."

"Oh I'll stop," I answered as he ushered me back into bed. "But then, when you least expect it, I'm gonna take you out."

He laughed earnestly. The heavy moment we'd been engulfed in was gone.

One I was settled under the blankets, he asked me one last time, "Are you sure you'll be okay?"

"I'll be fine," I spoke softly. "Just hurry back."

With a huge grin, Carlisle walked out the door.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

I spent the first hour tossing and turning, unable to sleep.

The second hour I tried to read the book Carlisle brought for me but couldn't get through more than a page before I gave up and threw the book back in the bag.

After the third hour, I was desperate and asked Chelsea for anything she could give me to help me sleep. She refused, unfortunately, but settled in next to the bed to talk.

For the next forty minutes, she listened to me pour out all my anxieties over the trial and what losing could mean for me.

I knew where I would end up the second I had opened my eyes and saw that cop standing over me and I was okay with that. I'd been prepared for it. But now, with the trial so close and Carlisle's assurances that he could win, I found myself foolishly hoping.

Now it could be ruined all because this witness was making trouble.

"It's only one witness, Bella," Chelsea reasoned. "I'm sure Mr. Cullen wouldn't let that hurt your case."

"It starts with one but then it turns to two and then three. What if we get to the trial and there's no one left? What if I'm stuck in that place forever?" Panicked, I thought of all I would lose if that happened. "I'll never see Paul or Jasper. I'll never meet Alice. I'll lose my friends and Carlisle… Oh God, Carlisle won't…"

"Shh, Bella, it's okay." She was on her feet with a hand on my shoulder, trying to calm me down. "None of that is going to happen."

"How can you know you that? This is the way my life works."

"Not this time," she assured me.

"You've heard of Murphy's Law, haven't you? Well, take that and multiply it by a thousand and you have my life."

"I'm sure Mr. Cullen is good at what he does," she told me. "And he cares about you. I have a feeling he'd move heaven and earth to help you. Have a little faith in him because I don't think he'd let you down."

"But you don't even know him."

"I don't, but I've caught the looks between the two of you and his concern is so much more than an attorney should have for his client." She touched my hand. "Anyone who cares that much will fight with everything in their power to win."

She looked at me pointedly before speaking again.

"He's going to fight hard for you and he won't let one witness hurt his case. Trust in that."

I took a deep breath, trying to absorb a fraction of her confidence as I took in all her words. For the first time since the cop found me, I was scared. But like she said, I had to have faith that Carlisle wouldn't let me down.

"Thanks, Chelsea."

"Anytime." She smiled. "Are you okay now?"

"I think so."

She patted my hand. "Okay, get some rest, Bella. Dr. Reyes will be in to see you soon."

"Thanks."

She walked out, leaving me with my raging thoughts. God, what I would give to have Paul here right now. He could talk me down and calm me better than anyone. I missed him. It had only been two days but I missed him terribly. Hopefully he wasn't still angry with me and we could talk when they sent me back.

I thought about him tapping on that rail and smirking at me as I rushed to the bars to see him. He'd stand there holding my hand and rubbing my arm, comforting me while I forced my worries onto his shoulders. And he'd take it. He'd take on all my worries and fears like a big brother would just so I wouldn't have to carry them anymore. Then before he'd walk away, he'd tell me to think. To think and to sort out my thoughts and get them out of my head.

I looked down at the bag sitting at my feet and smiled. Plunging my hand in, I pulled out the journal and pen. Settling in, I let my thoughts flow through my fingers and onto the page. I lost all track of time as the words appeared, my mind blindly emptying itself of all thoughts and emotions.

A quick rap on the door sent my pen skidding off the page as Dr. Reyes walked in.

"Hello Ms. Swan." His wide smile brought one of my own. "How's my favorite patient doing today?"

"Save the flattery, Doctor. I'm sure I'm far from your favorite."

A low chuckle slipped from his lips. "It was worth a try." He blew out a breath just as Chelsea walked back in. "Let's check those incisions, shall we?"

The two worked together to check me over and make sure everything was healing properly. After their examination was done, Chelsea checked all my vitals while Dr. Reyes sat at the bottom of my bed and began speaking.

"Things are looking good, Ms. Swan. I want to run one more round of tests and if everything stays on track, we'll be releasing you tomorrow." Morose didn't even begin to describe his voice as he told me they were letting me go.

"You don't have to sound so happy about it," I teased trying to lighten the mood.

"I'm not," he said. "Not at all."

My brow furrowed as I studied him. "What are you…?"

"It dangerous and I don't feel comfortable releasing you but, medically speaking, I have no grounds to hold you any longer."

"But I'll be released to the infirmary. Nothing will happen there."

"It's after you're released from there that I have the problem."

"At that point, it's out of your hands. I'll do my best to stay out of trouble," I promised.

"That's all I can hope for." He stood. "Well, I'll go order those tests. Get some rest and someone will be in soon to take you down."

"Thanks Doctor."

Once he left, I opened my journal to continue writing and the last word on the page surprised me. I didn't even remember writing about Edward. He'd been at the forefront of my mind all night but I hadn't been thinking about him when I started writing. Reading over the words, they brought back one of my favorite days with him.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

_**February 12, 2009**_

_I heard the guys in the back as the front door to the gym closed and I relocked it. As a show of respect, I bowed to the mat and removed my shoes just as they'd taught me. I still didn't understand it but it was important to them so I made sure to do it anytime I came and went._

_Quickly, I checked my watch – eight twenty-five – and breathed a sigh of relief. Esme had talked my ear off this morning but called Edward on my behalf and bought me thirty extra minutes to get to work. I'd cut it close, getting to the gym with five minutes to spare. So, knowing how late I was, I rushed to the back to drop off my things and help them get ready for the day._

"_Morning, Jess," Edward greeted me as I unlocked my office door._

_I turned at the sound of his voice and saw him carrying two buckets of water toward the ring area. Though I knew he was able to carry them with no problem, the strain in his muscles had me rushing to put my things down so I could help. I jogged to his side and immediately saw the sweat covering his bare chest and arms._

"_Here, let me take one of those," I offered._

_His green eyes sparkled as he chuckled. "They're heavy."_

"_What, you don't think I can handle it?" I asked, pretending to be offended._

"_I'm sure you could." The corner of his mouth lifted in a smirk. "It's just not necessary. Why don't you open the water jugs so I can pour these in?"_

_I rolled my eyes but did as he asked. He peeked at me over the edge as he tipped the water into the jug. I could hear the ice sloshing around as he poured and felt a little guilty. Filling the ice was my job but since I was so late, one of them had already taken care of it._

"_How was breakfast?" he asked as the last drops of water fell from the bucket._

_Since we'd met, I had spent every morning with Esme, at her insistence of course. She had claimed to want the company for breakfast but, personally, I believed she'd done it so she could pry into my past and learn more than I was willing to share with her that first day._

_I had lasted a week before giving in and telling her more about my life. She was just so easy to talk to, almost like my own mom before I'd lost her. It was actually freeing, in a way, to tell her about James and my friends back home because she didn't judge me, not once. She took in everything I'd told her with empathy and concern and gave me comfort in the end. She was the stable voice of reason that I'd needed in my life for so long._

"_It was great," I answered him. "Esme is an amazing cook."_

"_She is," he said with a grunt as he lifted up the bucket to fill the second jug._

"_I'm just glad she's doing it at all," I said sheepishly. "I don't take the time to cook anymore. There's really no point, you know."_

"_Are you kidding? Esme would cook for you morning, noon and night if you'd let her."_

"_I'd never let her do that."_

"_I know," he said lightly. "So, what…"_

"_Hey, Ed," Jared called from the back, halting his words, "the delivery truck is here."_

"_Delivery truck?" I questioned._

_Edward nodded. "We have to restock at least once a month."_

"_I guess you would have to," I said lamely, feeling the heat creep onto my cheeks. "Well, I'll let you get to that and I'll get started on my paperwork."_

"_No way, little girl." He grabbed my hand just as I turned to walk away. "It may not be much, but everyone helps when the truck comes."_

_I huffed as he led me to the back door where Jared and Quil were unloading the truck._

_~oOo~_

"_This is 'not much?'" I questioned as I stood, mouth hanging open, staring at twenty-six boxes._

"_Jess," Jared began as he draped an arm over my shoulders, "the real number one rule around this place is that Edward is full of shit."_

_He ducked as a roll of tape flew at his head and quickly jumped behind me, using me as a shield. Edward stood with another roll in his hand, arm cocked back ready to throw._

"_Is this what the Army taught you, Boy," Edward bellowed through his laughter, "to hide behind a woman?"_

"_Hell no!" Jared's muffled voice came from behind me. "But it taught _you_ not to hit one, so I'm safe."_

_Edward caught my eyes as a mischievous smirk played on his face. I raised a brow and he nodded once. I knew what he wanted and with a grin of my own, I spun quickly, dipping down as I turned and sweeping Jared's legs out from under him. His back hit the mat-covered floor with a muted thud. On one knee, I kept my hands up to block the counter attack I knew was coming._

_I was on my feet and ready just as Jared flipped himself to his. Before he could move, though, my vision was blocked as Edward put himself between us._

"_You're not going to touch her." His voice had a hard edge to it._

"_Like she needs your protection," Jared challenged._

_The muscles in Edward's back relaxed and I saw my opening. Taking a small step to my right, I knocked out the back of Edward's knees and used his momentum and my upper body to get him onto his back. Using a few of the moves he'd taught me over the past few weeks, I had my legs tangled with his, pinning him to the floor._

_Our faces mere inches apart. "_She_ can take care of herself," I warned in a low voice before pushing myself up. "Now that we're done with the show of testosterone, we've got work to do."_

_Rolling myself off of him, I sprung up to my feet and joined a laughing Quil near the boxes, leaving Jared and Edward grumbling behind me. _

_Once all the supplies were unpacked I realized that Edward was right when he said twenty-six boxes really wasn't a lot. Most were filled with new fighting gear – gloves, headgear and basic protective gear – that Edward issued to each new fighter as they came in. The rest were filled with athletic supplies like tape, hand wraps, mouth guards and even one new grappling dummy._

_Together, we put everything in its place before the first class of the day started. It was a kickboxing class that Edward started me in two weeks ago, saying it would complement the training we were doing at the end of every day. So I spent my first hour of the day with Quil as he walked us through proper kicking techniques._

_The end of the hour left me with sore muscles as I made my way to the storage room to pick up a few more of the archived boxes so I could transfer the records to the computer. Once I had everything settled, I opened the first box and got to work._

_I hadn't even been at my desk for twenty minutes before Edward came in to interrupt me._

"_Hey Jess, can you do me a huge favor? Please?" _

_I eyed the file he held in his hands. Looking back up, he looked desperate. Chuckling, I decided to put him out of his misery._

"_Sure, what is it?"_

_He blew out a gust of air. "I need to get these fighters registered for the tournament coming up. Can you do them for me, please?"_

_Snatching the file out of his hands, I rolled my eyes. "How on earth did you manage this place before I came along?"_

_His mouth turned up into that lopsided grin again and his eyes sparkled. "Let's just say that Esme wasn't enjoying her retirement as much as she should have been."_

"_Edward," I gasped. "You put that poor woman to work!"_

"_Hey," he raised his hands in defense, "she offered."_

"_I'm sure she did." I raised my hand and tapped his cheek. "And I'm sure your little pouty face had nothing to do with it. I know your game, Masen."_

_At least he had the decency to look a little ashamed, even if it only lasted a second before the smile returned to his face coupled with a hint of mischief playing in his eyes._

"_What can I say," he shrugged, "I'm irresistible."_

"_Whatever helps you sleep at night," I teased and put the file on my desk._

_When I turned back to him, his broad smile lit up the little room. With a quirked eyebrow, he said, "See what I mean."_

_My eyes rolled again as I pushed against his chest. "Get out of my office, Edward."_

"_Thanks, Jess." His laugh followed him through the door as he rushed off. "You're the best."_

_~oOo~_

"_Jess."_

_Edward's voice and loud tap on the doorframe made me jump and I accidentally hit the enter key, adding an unfinished entry form to the system before it was ready. My fingers curled into fists over the keyboard._

"_Damn it." I pounded on the keys, bringing up the incomplete form to edit. "Do you always have to sneak up on people like that?" I snapped._

_He laughed. "What's got you so jumpy?"_

_I breathed in, held the air for a second before exhaling slowly._

"_Nothing," I said calmly as I turned to see Edward leaning casually against the doorframe. "Is it lunchtime already?"_

_I was going for nonchalance but I'm not sure how well I succeeded when his eyes narrowed again. I'd learned quickly over the past few weeks that he did it when he was trying to figure out what wasn't being said. It was his tell and I learned to be cautious around him when he looked at me that way._

_He nodded. "You're coming with us today, right?"_

_I moaned. "I really wish I could but I've got to get this paperwork done or you won't have any fighters registered for the tournament." It was a valid excuse, not all together truthful, but it sounded good. "Besides, Esme made this amazing pork roast the other night and I brought the leftovers today."_

_"You can do that when we get back," Edward urged._

_"The deadline is in a few hours. I don't have time for the break."_

_"Come on, Jess," Jared said, crowding Edward at the door. "You've blown us off for weeks now. Too much work can kill you, ya know."_

Getting caught could kill me faster.

_I shook my head, dismissing the thought. "Sorry, I just can't. Maybe next time."_

"_Look," Edward jumped back in, "we all know how amazing Esme's cooking is but you can't tell me you'd rather have day old food over a nice, fresh, juicy burger."_

_He licked his lips and his eyes gleamed as he said it. I stood, grabbed a tissue and stepped to him to wipe his chin._

"_Drooling Edward? Really?"_

_He stepped back with a laugh. "It's just that good."_

"_Maybe next time," I repeated. "Now go on, I have work to do."_

"_You don't know what you're missing." Jared's singsong voice reinforced Edward's point._

"_Alright, alright, let the lady breathe." Quil's hand reached in and pulled Jared from the room. _

"_Thank you, Quil." I nodded my head at him. "Now please, get these hooligans out of my office."_

"_Hooligans?" Edward's eyebrow shot up. "You've been hanging out with Esme way too much."_

_Quil, always the peacekeeper of the group, began to usher Edward out of the room._

"_Next week, Jess," Edward called over his shoulder. "You're coming with us."_

"_Bye guys," I called back with a teasing hint to my tone._

'Not likely, Edward_,' I said to myself as I sat back down at my desk._

_Turning back to the computer, I finished the entry form I was working on, then two others and that task was done. I leaned back into my chair and rolled my neck. _

_The tension was starting to get to me and I didn't know how much longer I would be able to put them off before everything blew up in my face. The four of us had shared a genuinely easy relationship since I showed up here. They took me in like I was one of them the second I walked through the doors and it was getting increasingly harder to keep secrets from them._

_Exhaling heavily, I snatched my phone off the desk and started typing._

_**Hey honey, you busy?**_

_Ben's answering text came fifteen minutes later._

_**A little but I always have time for you. What's up?**_

_**Can I call you?**_

_**Give me ten.**_

_I dropped the phone back on the desk and dove back into the box of files, getting a few more records entered into the system before it was time to call Ben._

_Every minute that passed, my fingers itched to pick up the phone but if he was busy, I didn't want to bother him. Then, like he always did, Ben mirrored my thoughts and my phone rang before the ten minutes was up._

"Hey, beautiful, what's up?"

_Another heavy sigh was the only answer I could give._

"Now that doesn't sound good at all,"_he commented. _"Is everything alright? Edward hasn't figured anything out has he?"

"_Not for lack of trying," I answered, leaning on the desk with my head resting on my palm. "This is just so hard, Ben. They're all so nice and welcoming and I feel like shit for lying to them every day._

"_I hate when they ask me to go somewhere or do something with them and I have to come up with some excuse to back out. I can't even go to lunch with them for God's sake 'cause I'm afraid of someone seeing me." I wiped an errant tear from my cheek. "Two years, Ben, and other than you and Carmen, no one has ever cared enough to get involved with me personally. I went to work and went home everyday without having to answer a single question about my personal life and now I have people that want to know and want to be a part of it somehow and I just…can't._

"_I want it sometimes, you know. They're all amazing and I want to tell them. I want to let them in but I can't. Too much can go wrong if I do." _

_A sob broke through as I shared my weakness with the one person I knew would understand._

"Don't cry, Bell. I know how hard this has to be for you because Iknow what great people they are. They're my family, remember." _He paused. _"But know this, I would have never sent you there if I wasn't sure it was the right place for you.

"You don't have to hide out, Bell. Live your life, be happy and try to have some fun while you're at it. If anything happens just remember that you're in very capable hands. You're surrounded by three highly trained fighters that would just as soon step in front of a bullet for you before they let anything happen to you."

"_That's what I'm afraid of," I admitted quietly._

"Don't be."_ His voice was sincere. _"It's the whole reason I sent you there. So you can live a life without fear. So you can stand on your own again, knowing that if you ever fall, Edward's right behind you to help you back up again."

"_I can't let him do that, Ben." I shook my head. "It's not right."_

"No, you closing yourself off to the world is what's not right and you know it."_ He hesitated for second before continuing. _"Now I have to get back to work but just remember this, whether you want them to or not, Edward, Jared, Quil and even Esme all care about you. They'll look after you and they'll keep you safe. And letting them in and allowing them to be part of your life is not the huge tragedy you're making it out to be.

"Think of them as an extension of me. You let me in, you let me love you and become a part of your life and look at us now, we're still together and we're still standing. Nothing can take that from us, Bella, but we can add to it. My family is yours if you would just open up a little to take them in."

_I took in a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "How is it you know exactly what to say to talk me down from the ledge?"_

"That's what best friends are for."_ I could hear the smile in his voice._

"_You know, you're going to make someone an amazing husband one of these days," I said wistfully._

"Will you hurry up and marry me then so I get started on that?"_ he teased._

"_Oh Ben, I'd kill you before the honeymoon was even over," I joked._

"But what a way to go."_ He laughed heartily, bringing me right along with him. Once our laughter died down, he spoke up again. _"I really do have to go now. Oh and Bella, the next time they invite you to lunch, no more lame excuses about paperwork okay. Just get off your ass and go."

"_What?" I asked before realizing what happened. "That big mouth called you didn't he? Ugh…I could strangle him."_

"Bye, honey. Love you."

_Ben's laugh was the last thing I heard before the phone went dead._

_~oOo~_

_The rest of the day passed quietly, though I did give Edward a bit of a hard time when they returned from lunch. It was his fault, really, for whining to Ben because I wouldn't go to lunch with him. And I wasn't ashamed to admit that I'd sunk to his five year old level and stuck my tongue out at him as I left for the night._

_He just winked and laughed at me._

Asshole.

_The drive home was fast and my shower was even faster after I'd gotten through the door and let myself relax. A couple hours passed and I was lying in bed reading a book while waiting for the time when I'd head back to the gym for my training session when my phone rang. With a groan, I rolled over and grabbed it off the nightstand._

_Seeing Esme's name on the display, I answered quickly. "Hello, Esme."_

"_Good evening, Sweetheart. I hope I didn't wake you."_

_That made me smile. She already knew my routine so well. Work…sleep…training…more sleep, it was never ending._

"_No, it's fine. I'm actually reading a book for once," I said, a twinge of sadness in my voice._

_I missed reading. Books were only one of the things I had learned to live without over the years. They were too easily left behind when I had to run, so I stopped buying them. The one in my hands now happened to be one of Esme's. She'd lent it to me last week, saying it was her favorite and that she knew I would love it._

"_Oh…well, I do hate to interrupt but I just finished cooking dinner and didn't realize how much I had cooked until it was done. Would you like to join me?"_

_She didn't fool me, of course. Esme always knew exactly what she was doing in her kitchen. She never made 'too much.' This was another ruse to get me out of the house, but I wouldn't argue. I actually loved spending time with her._

"_All right," I said in a tone that let her knew I was onto her. "Just give me a few minutes."_

"_Of course. The door's open for you."_

_Goodbyes were said and I made my way to the closet to put on my workout clothes, knowing she would keep me talking until it was time to head back to the gym. I threw my hair in a quick ponytail, grabbed my phone and walked out the door._

_The intoxicating smell of beef stroganoff hit me the second I walked through her door and my mouth began to water. I was hit with a memory of my mom again because it was one of my favorites as a kid and she used to make it for me all the time. I missed her so much and it was nice to have someone around who was so much like her. It made the memories a little easier to take._

"_God, it smells so good in here," I said as I walked into the kitchen._

_Esme was at the table tossing a salad and turned her head slightly to kiss me on the cheek as I slipped an arm around her shoulders for a hug._

"_Perfect timing, Sweetheart, everything's ready to be served."_

_Looking to the counter, I spotted the steaming dish of food and crossed the kitchen to grab it. I set it on the table just as Esme began to set out the place settings. My eyebrow quirked up as she set a third plate down but before I could ask the front door slammed shut._

"_Hey Ma, I got the wine you asked f-"_

_Edward stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me standing at the table. I looked from him to Esme and her eyes were on the place setting in front of her, though a tiny smile was lifting the corner of her lips._

_I looked back to Edward. "What are you doing here?"_

_Not that I had the right to question him considering I was standing in _his_ godmother's kitchen, in a duplex _he_ owned, but I was shocked to see him standing there._

"_It's my night to…"_

"_Oh Edward," Esme's words covered his as she went to him to give him a hug and kiss on the cheek, "it's so good to see you."_

"_Esme." His voice hardened. That one word was all the accusation he needed._

_She shrugged. "I made plenty of food and thought…" she hesitated and my eyes widened in panic._

_Esme had called me Bella from the day we met and every hair on the back of my neck stood on end as I waited to hear what was about to come out of her mouth._

"_You thought…?" Edward urged her to finish._

_A soft smile spread across her face. "I just thought Jessica would like a good home cooked dinner before you worked her to death tonight. Honestly Edward, the poor girl is exhausted. You really should…"_

_She continued to ramble on as I let out a quiet sigh of relief. I turned back to the counter, hiding myself from them as I thought about how quickly my entire world could have crumbled with one word. After another calming breath, I stepped back to the table with three wine glasses in hand._

"_Oh, I forgot one thing," Esme mumbled and rushed from the room._

_I moved past Edward to set the glasses on the table._

"_Hey, I'm…" He touched my shoulder and I jumped. His voice changed and I heard his concern. "Are you okay?"_

_I didn't expect him to touch me and the jump was involuntary and I would bet a million dollars that if I had the nerve to turn and look at him, his narrowed eyes would be studying me. But I didn't have the nerve. I didn't turn. I simply grabbed the wine bottle, removed the cork and began to pour._

"_Jess," he began softly but Esme walked back into the room, cutting him off._

"_Here we are," she said cheerfully._

_The wine bottle slipped from my hand, spilling the champagne colored liquid across the table as she set the full bouquet of lavender roses at the end of the table._

"_Jess!" _

_Edward's voice was more urgent now as he pulled me back a step, my back bumping his chest. I jumped away from him as if his touch burned me._

"_Oh God, I'm sorry." _

_I rushed to the table to clean up the mess I'd made. My hands were shaking as I grabbed one of the linen napkins and started soaking up the wine._

"_I'm sorry. I'm sorry," I repeated over and over again._

_My entire body seized when I felt a hand on mine and I jumped again as an arm circled my waist._

"_It's okay, Sweetheart." Esme's soft voice sounded in my ear as her hand squeezed my hip. "It's just wine." She laughed nervously as her hand gripped tighter._

_My hand clenched around the napkin as I took a steadying breath remembering where I was. Suddenly I remembered who was standing behind me. My heart sped and I turned slightly to look at Esme._

"_Excuse me for a minute," I whispered and left the room._

_I made it to her bathroom seconds before my legs gave out and I crumpled to the floor, hands in front of me to break my fall. My breathing was too fast and I worked hard to calm myself down. _

The flowers. I never told her about the flowers.

_I'd never met anyone before or since who liked lavender roses. Granted, I had kept myself hidden from the world so there's no way I would have known if they were as common to everyone else as they seemed to be in my life. Why couldn't I just get away? Why did everything in my life have to lead back to him?_

_It took a while but when I could finally feel my legs again, I stood and moved to the sink, splashing some water on my face._

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

_Staring at myself in the mirror, my whispered voice was harsh. "Well if he wasn't suspicious before, Bella, he's going to be now."_

_Linking my fingers around the back of my neck, I pulled, trying to relieve some of the tension I felt as I growled and took more deep breaths. I didn't know why I bothered, nothing was going to fix this. Gathering all the courage I could, I opened the bathroom door and, with my first step, ran right into Edward._

"_Oh shit," I shrieked, slapping his chest before grabbing my own. "You scared the hell out of me."_

_He let out a nervous laugh. "I'm sorry. I just came to see if you were okay."_

_I faked a smile and forced myself to tell a truth and a lie to explain my actions. My eyes fell to the ground, unable to look at him while I spoke._

"_I haven't seen a lavender rose in years. My mom loved them but when she died…" My voice cracked and Edward pulled me into his arms. _

"_It's okay, Jess. You don't have to explain."_

"_I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make such a mess."_

"_Don't worry about it. Esme's got it all cleaned up." Letting me go, he stepped back and flashed a smile at me. "Let's go eat."_

_~oOo~_

_Dinner was amazing and the conversation was even better. My freak out was forgotten as I laughed hysterically while Esme told story after story of Edward as a kid. His curious side had gotten him into to trouble more often than not and he always dragged Ben along for the ride._

_I knew Ben's playful side well and I would have given everything I owned to see the scrawny boy with glasses charging headfirst into trouble right behind Edward, following his every move because _he_ was 'the cool kid.' The two were similar in so many ways yet so very different from each other it was like night and day._

"_And Edward cried for days," Esme said through her laughter._

"_I did not cry," Edward argued. "I just…"_

"_Don't let him fool you, Sweetheart," she turned her eyes back to me, "he cried like a baby the second the cops showed up and he didn't stop."_

"_But I didn't do anything wrong. My dad didn't have to call the cops," he pouted._

_I couldn't hold back anymore. "You were breaking and entering, Edward."_

"_It was my house." Edward slapped his hand against the table._

_His reaction would have been a bit frightening if his cheeks weren't completely red._

"_You still broke in." I laughed. "Besides, you got off lucky. My dad _was_ a cop and he would have made sure I learned my lesson. He wouldn't have cared that I was only ten. He wouldn't have let up until I spent a night in jail."_

"_Well then, I'm glad I wasn't you," he teased._

"_Shut up." I kicked him under the table._

"_Ow! What was that for?"_

_His reaction as he reached down to rub his shin sent me and Esme into another round of hysterics. Edward's pouty grin only made it worse. I clutched at my side, the laughing making it ache. Edward held back as long as he could but broke down and laughed with the rest of us._

_Finally sobering, Esme spoke first. "Alright you two, I have to make a quick call. I'll be right back."_

"_Ma," Edward admonished, "at this hour."_

"_It's only eight-thirty, Edward," she said and then turned to me. "You'd think he was the old woman here." She squeezed my hand. "Just give me a minute, Dear."_

_With that, Esme stood and walked past Edward, kissing the top of his head on the way out of the kitchen. I stood shortly after, gathering the dishes and taking them to the sink. I turned on the hot water to begin rinsing them when Edward came to stand next to me._

"_You know, I wasn't the bad kid she made me out to be."_

_I glanced at him sideways. "Oh, I believe you were much, much worse."_

"_Hey."_

"_You seem to forget that Ben and I have been friends for a long time. He's told me some stories about you."_

"_All lies, I'm sure."_

"_Not a chance, Masen." I giggled. "Esme just confirmed it all for me."_

_It hadn't dawned on me that we were working together to finish the task until he grabbed the last dish from my hand and placed it in the dishwasher._

"_Will you grab the soap?" He pointed toward the cabinet under the sink._

_He took the box from my outstretched hand, filled the dispenser, then closed and started the dishwasher. While he was doing that, I wiped down the countertops and made sure Esme's kitchen was spotless once again._

_Looking at my watch, I felt a twinge of disappointment. I was actually having fun and didn't want the night to end so quickly. But we had work to do._

"_Well, we better get back to the gym," I told him. "Jared and Quil will be waiting for us."_

"_No," Edward said. "Esme was right. You have been working really hard and I think we could both use a night off."_

"_I can't," I blurted, thinking about all I still needed to learn. His eyes narrowed again so I added, "Look, if this is about earlier, it was nothing. Just a small freak out. No big deal."_

"_It's not that," he said quickly. "I just… It's just…" He exhaled. "I mean, you joke around with us all the time at the gym but I've never heard you like this. So open…so lighthearted and I…um…" For once, Edward looked completely unsure of himself._

_Without finishing his thought, he pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed. _

"_J, will you lock up for me?" I heard the tenor of Jared's voice, but not his words. "I gave her the night off… We'll pick up again tomorrow… Whatever, J… Yeah, see you tomorrow… Bye."_

"_How did you meet him?" I mumbled._

"_Jared?" he questioned. I nodded._

_Leaning into the corner of the counter where the two sides met, I crossed arms and legs casually as my eyes studied him for a change. The skin at the corners of his eyes pinched a little as he smiled. It wasn't the bright, joyful smile he wore as we talked during dinner. This was one of those thoughtful smiles a person wore as they thought fondly on an old memory._

"_We were in boot camp together." He began. "Jared was an arrogant kid who thought he was hot shit 'cause he held a blackbelt in karate when he signed up." He chuckled. "He'd fought a couple of the men after lights out and quickly earned himself a reputation as someone you didn't want to mess with. I'd seen him fight and I had to admit he was good."_

"_You fought him, didn't you? Put him in his place," I interrupted curiously._

_I'd seen the two spar with each other more than once in the past three weeks and just when Jared thought he'd had the upper hand, Edward took it all away with one move. They were both amazing fighters but Edward was still better._

_Surprisingly, Edward shook his head. "I didn't want to." He sounded sorry for whatever happened._

"_Then why did you?" My voice was soft, matching Edward's tone._

"_Our unit was sent out on a training exercise and Jared and a couple of his 'followers'," he air quoted the word, "thought they were going to save the day. They wanted to be the heroes and ignored our squad leader's orders. Their arrogance got them caught and our entire unit received failing marks. By lights out, our squad leader was stripped of his command and he was pissed. He went after Jared and I stepped in to hold him back. _

"_Jared's mouth was getting him in deeper but he lashed out with an insult that even I took offense to. Unfortunately, rather than play the peace keeper like I knew I should, I turned and hit him."_

"_Oh my God, what did he say?"_

_Not that I knew him very well, but I couldn't imagine anything that would piss Edward off enough to hit someone in anger. That wasn't his way at all. He was constantly drilling it into my head to take the emotion out of it and respect the fight. The second you gave into anger or any other strong emotion you'd lose your composure and make mistakes. And it made sense. I'd slipped so many times during our sessions and ended up flat on my back._

"_Nothing I would ever repeat…especially not to a woman," he answered. "Anyway, I'd never had a cross word with anyone so Jared didn't expect it and when he got up, he was ready to fight."_

_Edward crossed his arms and a distressed look settled on his face as he continued._

"_They let us fight," he said, "and I had tried really hard to stay on the defensive but he wouldn't stop running his mouth. Jared always boasted about his training but what he didn't know, what no one knew, was that while he threw his blackbelt in everyone's faces, I had four disciplines behind me._

"_When my dad saw how I excelled in karate, he signed me up for more." His eyes fell to the floor as he drifted off on his tangent. "If there was a class, I was in it and by the time I enlisted, I'd reached the highest level in every discipline but one. I don't brag about myself or what I can do, but I was good." _

_Edward looked at me then and his eyes held regret and my heart went out to him._

"_I didn't mean to do what I did, but he just wouldn't stop."_

_Without realizing I'd moved, my hand was on Edward's arm._

"_What did you do?"_

"_I busted him up pretty good. Didn't break anything, thank God, but I hurt him. I was lost in the fight and it took the guys pulling me off of him to get me to stop."_

_I pulled my hand back. "But you two are such good friends now. How…?"_

"_I had been beating myself up pretty bad about the fight and he knew he was out of line. He actually came and apologized to me and told me we were good." His smile returned with a tiny laugh. "He even asked me to teach him what I knew."_

"_That's funny to you."_

"_If you'd known Jared back then you'd think so. He went from thinking he was better than everyone to nipping at my heels to teach him more." He laughed harder this time. "That's where it all started actually. While I was teaching him, some of the other men joined in. And it continued after we were shipped out. The guys on the base came to me for training during our downtime and when our C.O. got wind of it, I was given squads to train._

"_Jared took that and ran with it. He built on my idea of owning a gym and turned it into what you see now. I'll never be more thankful for what he did because I've never been happier."_

"_And Quil?" I asked because he hadn't mentioned him at all._

_His smile widened. "Quil's a little younger than us and was sent to our unit about eighteen months later, but he fell in line with us like he'd always belonged. From then on, it was the three of us. We were closer than brothers and when he was all in with us and our idea for the gym, all our focus went into making it happen._

"_Jared and I laid the ground work when we got out and when Quil joined us, we were ready to open. We've been working together ever since."_

"_It's nice to have friends like that," I said sadly as I pushed away from the counter and sat back in my chair._

_Edward joined me. "Sure, when they're not trying my patience."_

"_It's all done in fun," I told him. "I can see how much they respect you and how close the three of you are."_

"_They're my family." He shrugged. "We may not be related by blood, but we're all we've got."_

"_Why California?" I asked, changing the subject slightly. "Why wouldn't you just stay in Washington?"_

"_As much as I love it, Forks isn't the place to start a business, especially one like mine." Edward shifted in his chair. "While I was still in the service, I'd sent Esme and Ben everything, every detail of our plan and the two of them did a ton of research for us._

"_Since Ben's the genius of the family, I let him look into the demographics and things like that and do a statistical analysis of everything so we had a basic idea of where we wanted to set up once we were ready."_

_The idea of that made me laugh._

"_What's so funny?" he asked._

"_I can totally see Ben hunched over his keyboard with all his data, running the numbers and coming up with charts and graphs that showed how one area was better than the next."_

_I laughed even harder as the whole picture cemented itself in my head; Ben pushing his glasses up his nose as he clutched a pencil between his teeth and typed away._

"_Wait, wait, wait…let me guess," I waved a hand in front of him, not letting him speak, "he had a whole presentation ready for you when you came home, complete with power point slides and everything, didn't he?"_

"_You know him well." Edward laughed._

"_He's one of my best friends."_

_Edward quirked an eyebrow. "One of?"_

_I hesitated for an instant, realizing what I had said. Quickly, I made the decision to tell him the truth. Lying to him now would only rouse his suspicions._

"_I don't see my friends often." I drummed my fingers on the table nervously. "Ben's all I got."_

"_He's the best man I know," he told me._

"_I'm lucky to have him," I added._

"_So what about your family," Edward asked. "You mentioned your mother earlier but what about your dad."_

_My heart dropped. I never talked about them. I never had to. Emily, Leah, Jake and Sam all knew what happened and it was just one of those things no one ever mentioned. But Edward didn't know that._

_Again, choosing not to lie, I answered, "They died in a fire when I was seventeen. Somehow the smoke detector malfunctioned and by the time the firemen pulled them out, it was too late."_

_Edward's hand covered mine. "I'm sorry, Jess. That had to be so hard on you."_

"_You don't have to be sorry. From everything I've gathered, you lost your parents much younger than I did. You were only thirteen. It had to be horrible for you."_

"_How do you know that?" he asked in a whisper._

"_I wasn't prying into your life or anything, I swear," I defended myself. "From some of the stories Ben's told me and some of the things Esme's shared about you, I put it all together. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"_

"_It's fine." His hand squeezed mine. "Really. I just don't talk about them much anymore. I mean, I still love them and miss them every day, but it hurts to think about them, you know."_

_I smiled weakly. "It's our one thing in common."_

"_No," he returned my smile, "I'm sure there's more."_

* * *

**Sneaky Esme…very sneaky, bringing Edward and Bella together like that. And running out to make a phone call? Nice touch. Kinda makes you wonder though…since Esme knew and was wary about Bella's past, what did Edward say to her to make her believe bringing them together like this was a good idea. Well, my loves, your guess is as good as mine cuz he won't tell me.**

**And, as always, I truly love each and every one of you. This isn't the easiest story to read but your support continues to mean the world to me. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	32. Farewell To Freedom

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.**

**A huge thank you to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH for keeping me going through some tough times throughout the summer. I love you both so much.**

**A/N: You have no idea how sorry I am for the lack of updates for this story. Summer is a ridiculously difficult time for me at work and some personal issues crept up on me that I didn't expect. Everything has slowed down now and life is back on track again so updates won't take as long. At least, I hope not.**

* * *

_Chapter 34 Recap:_

_While still in the hospital, Carlisle and Bella talk a little about what the trial is going to be like. After getting a little over eager with his questioning, Bella gets angry and then breaks down a bit, thinking Carlisle is accusing her of planning James' murder. She convinces him that she didn't just before Carlisle gets an urgent call from Alice about a problem at the office. When he leaves Bella alone to handle the problem, her insecurities rise and she starts to lose the little hope she's found for ever leaving prison._

_Also, while he's gone, Bella tries to occupy her time by reading and writing in her journal. After a short visit with her doctor, she tries to go back to writing but the words on the page remind her of her first dinner with Edward…oh and Esme, of course. It was good night and they both shared a lot more of themselves than they planned, bringing them a little closer by the end._

_All caught up now? Good. Now…on with the story._

* * *

**Chapter 32 – Farewell to Freedom**

**February 26, 2010**

"_I'll be right back." I smiled, leaving Edward with a quick kiss to the cheek._

_Looking over my shoulder, I stopped and watched him make his way back to the table where our family sat together with huge smiles on their faces. My smile spread wide and a single tear slipped from my eye before I turned and walked down the short hallway to the ladies room._

_As I stepped to the sink to wash my hands, I glanced in the mirror and lost myself in the bright eyes of the woman I hadn't seen in years, the one who was deliriously happy and the one who knew without a doubt that she was loved and cared for. I never thought I would feel that again, but Edward changed all that._

_No, that was wrong. It wasn't just Edward. Ben, Esme, Jared and Quil…each one of them had a part in changing my life. They took me in and loved me as if I was their family and, in a way, I was. I was a sister to Ben, Jared, and Quil, a daughter to Esme and now, with the diamond ring circling my finger, a wife to Edward._

"_Fiancé," I whispered to myself. "You're not his wife. Not yet."_

_A pang of regret shot through me as I brought my hand to my chest, keeping the ring close to my heart. While the five people waiting for me back in the restaurant were wonderful, I felt a sense of guilt and the pain of loss as I thought of my other family, the family I had to give up to find this happiness. It wasn't fair that they weren't here to share this with me. I hated that they would never know Edward or the life he was building for us here._

_But I gave up that life. I gave up my family to ensure their safety and I couldn't go back on that. I loved them too much._

"_Excuse me, Miss." I jumped as a voice echoed through the room. Through the mirror, I could see one of the servers standing just inside the door. "I didn't mean to startle you," she said as I turned to her, "but the gentleman in the hallway asked me to bring this to you."_

_She held out a slip of paper and I took it, feeling the heat creep into my cheeks. I didn't think I'd been in here so long that Edward had to send someone to find me. Smiling, I thanked her and watched as she walked out, leaving me alone again to read the delivered message. _

_Opening the note, my breath caught, my heart stopped beating and my blood turned to ice as I read the first four words._

Escape me?

Never -

Beloved!

"_Blue's not really your color, Babe."_

_James' voice shook me to the core and the note slipped from my trembling fingers. My knees buckled as an arm circled my waist._

"_No." _

"Bella."

"No."

"Bella, wake up."

"No!" I slapped at his arms.

"Bella. Bella, wake up." Two arms wrapped around me. "You're safe, Sweetheart. I'm here. You're safe."

Recognition came as the scent of his cologne filled my senses and I felt his arms tighten.

"Carlisle," I cried and clung tightly to him. "He found me, Carlisle."

"It was a dream, Sweetheart." He kissed my forehead. "Just a dream."

"No." I buried my head in his neck, breathing him in. "He was there."

"It's a dream, Bella." Carlisle stroked my hair, kissing my temple this time. "He's gone. He can't hurt you anymore."

"It never stops." I shook my head, holding him tighter. "It never stops hurting."

"I know, Bella. I know."

Though I fought to keep him close, he pulled away and placed a gentle hand on my cheek. His eyes, always kind and caring, stared at me with concern and a certain tenderness that forced tears from my eyes.

"I know this isn't enough but, given time, those dreams will fade, your pain will lessen and you'll be able to look back on the time you spent with Edward without it hurting so much." He sighed. "I know you may have thought you'd found love in the past but Edward was your one true love and that's something you'll never forget. Everything else will pale in comparison."

A tiny glint of pain flashed across his face but disappeared just as quickly. The look caused my heart to clench as I realized he was talking about himself. Carlisle knew my love for Edward and he also knew, if I ever allowed myself to love him, it just wouldn't be the same.

Edward was, as he said, the true love of my life and no matter how hard I would try to move on, he would always own a huge piece of me, of my heart. I just didn't know if I could ever let go enough to love someone again.

"…you'll see one day. I promise."

A lingering kiss to the forehead brought me back from my drifting thoughts to hear the last half of Carlisle words. With a forced smile, he slid his hand down my arm to my hand and squeezed lightly before grabbing the control for my bed and raising the back.

"I really am sorry I couldn't get back sooner, to pull you from that dream sooner, but I brought you something," he said with a little gleam in his eye. "My way of apologizing."

His smooth change in subject had me breathing a sigh of relief. Carlisle always had a way of taking my mind off the things that hurt me without dwelling on them too much. A skill he'd perfected in the past few months.

"What did you bring me?"

His smirk made me smile and I wiped the last few tears from my cheeks.

"Close your eyes."

He obviously didn't understand my hatred for surprises.

"Come on, just show me," I told him.

He shook his head and my eyes narrowed as I reached for the brown paper bag he slipped behind his back.

"Carlisle Cullen, if you don't give me that bag…"

"And I thought it was scary when Alice channeled my mother." He cut off my threat, pushing my arm away with a laugh. "That's it. One meeting is all you get, then I'm keeping the two of you apart for the rest of our lives."

I froze as the words casually slipped out of his mouth. A split second later, his laughter stopped and his eyes widened as he realized what he said.

"Oh God, I… That's not… I didn't mean…" he stammered, trying to find the right words.

"It's okay."

"I'm sorry, Bella," he apologized. "I really didn't mean to imply that we… that you and I…"

"There's that vein again, Counselor," I teased and his cheeks turned the slightest shade of red. I reached out and put a hand on his arm. "Don't worry, Carlisle, I know what you meant. You just caught me by surprise, that's all."

"I'm sorry," he said again.

"I know," I told him. "Now stop apologizing and show me what's in the bag."

Carlisle pulled the bag from behind his back and opened it. "Before I left I asked Chelsea if I could bring you something special." He reached in the bag but hesitated before he brought it back out. "Though, this wasn't my original idea, I believe it's the better choice."

"Oh my God, Carlisle," I shrieked when he pulled his hand out of the bag holding a huge piece of cheesecake covered in deliciously plump strawberries. "How did you know?"

He smirked again and shrugged. "A little bird told me."

I popped open the plastic box and inhaled deeply. "Heaven."

Carlisle chuckled. "Would you like a fork or are you just going to dig in?"

"Shut up," I said as I snatched the fork from his outstretched hand.

I felt no shame as the first delicious, creamy bite caused me to moan with pleasure.

"Oh God, that's amazing."

I shoveled in a couple more bites and Carlisle laughed.

"You like it."

I moaned again. "It's better than sex."

His laugh turned into a choking cough and I froze again. I tried to speak but couldn't get a word around the strawberry in my mouth. I finished quickly and choked out my own apology.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

"I should hope not." He cleared his throat. "That would mean you're doing it wrong."

"What?"

I couldn't believe he actually said that to me.

"You heard me." He smirked. "Now eat your cheesecake."

"One of these days, Carlisle." The threat was weak.

"Bring it on, Bella." His eyebrow rose in challenge.

I shook my head and took another bite.

He denied my offer for a bite and pulled his phone out of his pocket and began typing. It reminded me of why he left in the first place.

"Did things go okay at the office?" I asked nervously. "With the witness, I mean."

"Everything's fine. We're back on track."

"But?" The tension around his eyes made me believe he wasn't telling me everything.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked without meeting my eyes.

He was turning the phone over in his hands, the action making me nervous. Something else must have gone wrong while he was gone. It made me wonder how much could go wrong before it couldn't be fixed.

"Of course," I answered, trying to hide the anxiety creeping through me again.

"What were you dreaming about?" I dropped the fork and his eyes snapped to mine. "I know you don't like talking about Edward and I hate to ask for more than you're willing to give where he's concerned, but if it was about James then I think I should know."

I let out the breath trapped in my lungs as I realized my first assumption was wrong. His nervousness had nothing to do with my case. It was out of concern for me.

Setting the container on the table next to my bed, I took a deep breath. "It was the night Edward proposed."

He gasped but I didn't give him a chance to respond.

"It was completely unexpected," I began. "When Ben told me he was coming to town, I assumed it was to celebrate Edward's birthday. They had always spent their birthdays together and living in two separate states never stopped their tradition," I explained. "So, when he showed up on my doorstep the day before, I didn't think anything of it.

"Edward actually closed the gym for the evening and Esme had made reservations at one of the best restaurants. It was a whole family thing, so the six of us met there to celebrate." I smiled as I remembered the beginning of that night. "We had a great dinner and when we gave him presents, I had never seen him so happy. Or at least I thought.

"He had this huge smile on his face but when he said he had a surprise of his own to give, he was positively beaming. His eyes…" I took a breath as my eyes welled with tears at the memory. "I'll never forget that sparkle he had in his eyes the second he pulled that box from his pocket.

"I think I screamed my 'yes' when he finally asked the question and he was so happy that he ripped me from my chair as he stood up and twirled me around while he kissed me. When he finally set me on my feet, I felt like a doll as they passed me around. First Ben, then Jared, Quil and Esme before I ended up back in Edward's arms again. He held me so tight, peppering my cheek with kisses before whispering 'I love you' in my ear."

Tears streamed down my cheeks as it took me back to the last time I was truly happy.

"The dedication from the band leader drew both our attention then Ben was there with his arms around both of us. He congratulated Edward and kissed me on the cheek before shoving us toward the dance floor." I wiped at the tears still falling. "I was never a good dancer but with Edward, it was effortless. It was amazing and when the song ended, I excused myself to the restroom. I just needed a minute to take it all in.

"While I was in there, one of the servers brought me a note from a man in the hallway. I didn't think I was gone long enough for Edward to come looking for me and I laughed, thinking he was just excited and didn't want to be away from me. Pretty stupid, huh?" I wiped away a few more tears.

"It's not stupid, Bella," Carlisle interjected. "You just got engaged; of course you would both be excited."

"But it wasn't from him, though." I choked on the words as a flood of tears poured from my eyes.

Carlisle's arms were around me instantly, rocking me back and forth, stroking my hair and whispering soothing words into my ear while I cried into his shoulder. My hand fisted his shirt as the pain of the past gripped my heart. Some time passed before my grip on his shirt loosened and he replaced it with a plain white, linen handkerchief.

With his handkerchief clutched in my hand, I wiped my cheeks and whispered, "Do you remember that poem I gave you?"

"Robert Browning," he said and I lifted my head.

"You know it?"

He nodded. "I was actually surprised when you handed me that poem the other day. When I was in college, my English professor introduced us to Browning. He had such a way with words and I loved his work," he explained. "Our poetry unit didn't last long and we never went in depth with any one poet, so I studied him on my own. I always thought Robert and Elizabeth Barrett Browning shared an amazing love story. In fact, _Life in a Love_ was one of my favorites. He poured his heart out, showing his true devotion to her."

"I always believed the same thing and when she was dying, it was his way of saying that, even in death, he would never let her go. It was beautiful." I met his eyes. "But James took that beauty and twisted it. He used Browning's words of love to trap me, to tell me there was no way out. I was his and there was nothing I could do, nowhere I could go, to get away from him. And he proved it over and over again.

"That night when the server walked out and I unfolded that piece of paper, I nearly collapsed when I saw that poem. My heart literally stopped but then I heard his voice and I panicked. My legs gave out and he grabbed me. I froze. All that training, everything Edward ever taught me, was gone. I couldn't do anything to fight him off. I couldn't even catch a breath to speak but when he tried to pull me away, I screamed. I screamed for Edward as loud as I could and when I did, James dropped me and ran.

"Edward found me curled up on the bathroom floor. By the time I could tell him what happened, James was long gone. When the police came, Ben gave them a description but there was no sign of him? He just disappeared."

"How did he find you?" Carlisle asked.

"Ben," was all I said.

"You have got to be kidding me," he growled. "How could he betray you that way?"

"He didn't." I grabbed his hand, hoping to calm him down.

"That lying son of a bitch."

He ripped his hand from mine as he stood with his back to me, mumbling quietly to himself, his voice so low I couldn't hear.

"Carlisle, he would never do that to me," I tried to explain.

I knew I'd said the wrong thing but I couldn't let him be upset with Ben. He did nothing wrong.

"Carlisle."

I tried to get his attention but he didn't turn. Ignoring me completely, he pulled his phone from his pocket and began typing.

"Carlisle!" I tried again.

He shoved his phone back into pocket and turned. The fire in his eyes startled me. "Explain to me _exactly _how he was involved."

The restrained anger in his voice stunned me for a moment before I found my voice. "It was my fault," I told him weakly.

"Don't you _dare_ blame yourself this time, Bella."

"I'm not blaming myself, but I did play a part in it." I held up a hand to stop his protest. "Just listen." He exhaled heavily before sitting next to me on the bed. I grabbed his hand and continued. "The whole time I was on the run, I never made one friend. I never allowed a single person to know who I was...until Ben. I couldn't help myself. His persistence was sweet, endearing, and I'm glad I did. I'll never regret his friendship.

"When James found me in Forks, he found out about Ben. It wasn't hard for him after that to keep track of him. Ben's life was very predictable. If he wasn't at home, he was either in his lab or at the diner. So when he got on the plane, James knew something was up. He followed him to Bakersfield; he followed him to my apartment, and then followed us to the restaurant.

"He saw everything; Edward's celebration, the proposal, our dance. He watched it all and it made him angry that I had the nerve, the audacity, to fall in love with someone else when I belonged to him."

"How do you know all this?" Carlisle asked, his anger gone.

"I told you once that James was never able to keep a secret from me. When we would fight, I could always push him to tell me the truth and the night I killed him, I was going to force the truth out of him. Even if it killed me."

Carlisle wrapped me up again. "He almost did, Bella."

"I know, but I had a choice to make." I pushed away from him, holding those blue eyes with mine. "You have to understand, Edward was my life and I was faced with two possible futures…a lifetime of loneliness and pain without him or an eternity with the man I loved."

"And you chose Edward." The sadness in Carlisle's voice broke my heart.

"I didn't think I could live without him," I admitted.

"And now?" He sounded almost hopeful.

"This wasn't the way things were supposed to be but I've learned to live with it," I told him honestly. "My life is truly mine now. I'll decide what it could be once I get out."

"Good answer." He leaned in and kissed my forehead. "Now, I have a quick call to make. I'll be right back."

I slid out of bed as soon as the door closed and went into the bathroom to clean up. White tear tracks lined my cheeks as I stared at myself in the mirror. I hated being so emotional, so weak. Edward taught me better than that. Taking a deep breath, I turned on the water and washed my face.

Once my face was clean and dry, I stared at my reflection with sheer determination. "No more tears, Bella."

With another deep, calming breath, I flipped off the light and walked towards the window. Shining stars fill the night sky and lights dotted my view of the city. It was a beautiful sight with a kind of peace that I wasn't likely to see for a long time.

"Penny for your thoughts." Carlisle's quiet voice sounded behind me.

Leaning against the cool glass, I watch his reflection as he came closer. "They're sending me back tomorrow."

His arm slipped around my shoulders as he stepped in behind me.

"I know." His voice was low and a little sad again.

Relaxing into him, I lifted my hand to hold onto his arm. His hand squeezed my shoulder in response.

"I don't want to go back."

"I don't want that either, Bella, but this is almost over." He held me tighter. "Soon you'll be home and you can start your new life."

"You're always so confident that you're going to get me out, but what if you don't? What if something happens or something goes wrong and…"

He turned me to face him before I could finish my sentence. "Losing is not an option, Bella. You're coming home. I swear it."

"But Carlisle…"

A finger covered my lips to cut me off before his hand slid to my cheek. "We've got a good case, Bella. With everything that monster did to you, to Jake and Emily and especially to Edward, you had no choice but to fight for your life. No one in their right mind would convict you for that."

"But I confessed."

"Our case isn't based on whether or not you killed him because, unfortunately, that fact is undeniable, making your confession irrelevant," I told her. "We're arguing self-defense here, Bella.

"With the physical and mental abuse you suffered while you were together and the years he spent chasing you all over the country, we can prove to the jury that he terrorized you. That you had no other choice."

Frustrated, I pulled his hand away from my cheek. "I invited him to my house, Carlisle." I spoke the words slowly, crossly. "How do you call that self-defense?"

He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly then jerked his head back toward the bed.

"Come sit with me." He tugged on my hand, walking backwards toward the chair he'd occupied for the past two days.

Instinctively, I wrapped my arm around Carlisle's neck as he settled me onto his lap. His arms circled my waist and he clasped his hands together, loosely holding me in place. His eyes were cast down toward my legs as he took in a breath and held it for a moment before releasing it slowly.

"Can I ask you something?" I opened my mouth to answer but he spoke again before I could. "To be honest, in the beginning, I didn't want to know and then from the moment you let me in, I've been too afraid to ask."

With my braced hand, I touched his chin lightly, lifting his face to mine. The tiny wrinkles near the corners of his eyes betrayed him, allowing me to see the distress he was trying to hide from me. Without thinking, my fingers slid into the back of his hair, stroking the ends and caressing the back of his neck.

"Open book, remember," I reminded him. "You can ask me anything."

"What were your intentions…?" He stopped, rethinking his words for a moment before continuing. "When you made that call, did you plan to kill James?" he asked.

My fingers froze and I sighed heavily, dropping my eyes from his. "My life was over. I knew it. I had accepted it and I just wanted it to end. After Edward, I realized how useless running was and I was ready to give up. It made no difference whether he chose to do it here or drag me back to Colorado with him, I knew, one day, he would take my life." I looked up and saw the worry in his eyes. "I'll never be sorry for what I did because, honestly, I'm glad he's dead, but killing James that night was never my intention. I wanted it to be over. I didn't care how."

"You didn't care how?" he repeated my words. "Saying something like that makes me think you really did plan…"

"I don't care what you think," I said angrily through clenched teeth and pushed my way out of his grasp.

The pain in my chest had me gasping for air by the time I reached the other side of the room. It wasn't far but I needed to be away from him.

"Bella, don't…"

"Just leave, Carlisle." Tears ran down my cheeks.

"No. I'm not letting you push me away. Not now."

His touch startled me before both arms slipped around my shoulders.

"Talk to me, Bella. Please," he whispered in my ear. "Why are you so upset?"

"Wouldn't you be if your lawyer, the one person in the world who could save your life, didn't believe in you?"

His arms were gone a fraction of a second before he was standing in front of me. My face was in his hands as he guided my eyes to his.

"How can you possibly say that? I've never doubted you."

"You just did."

"I didn't."

"Now you're calling me a liar?" I knocked his hands away. "Weren't you the one who said I planned to kill James? And it's not the first time you've said it." I pushed him. "So either you truly believe that or you really like pissing me off." Another push. "Which is it, huh?"

I went for another but he caught my wrist.

"Neither, Bella. I do believe in you." He took a step closer, his arm snaking around my waist. "No one could live through everything you did and not feel that sense of defeat. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted him dead. Hell,_ I_ wanted him dead, but wanting someone dead and planning to kill them are two very different things and I don't believe for one second that you could do something like that."

Carlisle ran a hand through my hair, pushing it away from my face. The kindness returned to his eyes as he spoke his next words tenderly.

"You're not like him, Bella." His hand returned to my cheek. "I know we don't know each other well enough yet, but I do know, deep in my heart, you would never intentionally hurt someone like that. It's not who you are."

My stomach dropped and I suddenly felt sick. He didn't know me and I didn't deserve one ounce of the faith he claimed to have in me. The old Bella – the one who was inherently good – died a long time ago. She was the one Carlisle wanted. She was the one he was in love with. Not me. Not the woman I was now.

Stepping out of his arms, I turned my back on him and walked back to the window. It hurt too much to face him.

"What happens when you find out you're wrong?" My voice shook. "When you realize that part of me doesn't exist anymore?" I sniffed, discretely wiping a tear from my eye. "I'm not that girl anymore, Carlisle. The girl who used to squeal over fireworks is gone. The girl who used to think love was a blessing is dead. James killed her years ago and I'm all that's left."

Behind me again, Carlisle's left arm circled my shoulders again, his right hand finding a place on my hip. My body instantly relaxed into his.

"When I first took this case, my sole purpose was to win and get you home."

"And now?" I urged, knowing there was more.

"Now, my mission is to prove you wrong, Ms. Swan. To prove to you that you're not the heartless, vindictive, evil person you seem to think you are." He squeezed my shoulder, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. "That woman whose excitement could light up a room is still here." He fingers touched my temples. "The woman whose compassion surrounds everyone she cares about like a warm embrace is still here." His hands slid down my arms, linking our fingers together and wrapping my arms around my chest in a hug. "And the woman who loves so deeply that she would sacrifice her own life, her own safety, for their well-being…" he brought our clasped hands to rest over my heart, "she's still here. She's always been here, waiting for you to find her again."

Tears streamed steadily down my cheeks as I turned and kissed him. His hands at my waist pulled me closer and I reveled in the feel of him against me, selfishly taking his love knowing the day would soon come when the truth shattered his image of me.

That would be the day I lost him for good.

* * *

**A nightmare about James and the thought of fa****cing those old gray walls inside the prison…none of it is keeping Bella calm. Thankfully, Carlisle is there for her in every way she needs right now. He'll fight for her and he'll be there for her through every step until he can finally get her home.**

**And, as always, I truly love each and every one of you. This isn't the easiest story to read but your support continues to mean the world to me. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	33. Unexpected Confessions

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.**

**A huge thank you goes out to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH because, without them, I'd be a neurotic mess. I love you both so much. **

**Also, I'd like to give a thousand, million, trillion hugs and kisses to kmah88 who stepped up to offer another set of eyes for me on this chapter. Without her, there would have been some major flaws in this chapter. Thanks so much, hun. You are the best ever and I love you so, so much.**

**As for the update, I could offer you a hundred excuses why it took so long, but I won't. Let's just get to this monster, shall we? See you at the bottom.**

* * *

**Chapter 33 – Unexpected Confessions**

**February 27, 2010**

"Let's go, Swan." Guard Newton grabbed my arm and forced me through the door and down the hall. "Vacation's over."

After a worried call from Alice last night, Carlisle warned me that Paul had overheard talk about Newton wanting to make me pay for getting him kicked off my hospital guard detail. I knew what I'd be walking into when I came back here today. I just didn't expect it to come the second I stepped out of the transport van, but I already had my guard up. There was nothing he could say or do to hurt me.

The cuffs left me a bit helpless and I tried to jerk away but that only left me gasping and panting from the pain in my chest.

"Keep it up, bitch," he growled into my ear and jerked my arm a little harder. "Give me one reason to stun your ass."

He yanked on my arm hard this time, causing some of the hair to fall across my eyes. Blinking through the strands, I taunted him.

"What, Newton…" a laugh escaped me between gasping breaths, "can't get…Crowley's ass anymore…so you…come after…mine?"

"Listen, bitch," all the air left my lungs as he slammed me against the wall, "you cost me enough back in that hospital. Don't think for a second I'm letting you off that easy."

"Better…bring…Crowley," I wheezed, barely able to catch a breath. "I…can take…your bitch ass…alone."

He pulled me back and slammed me into the wall again and the gasping breath choked me.

"You think you're tough shit, don't you? You think learning from that military guy is gonna help you." He laughed as he threw Edward in my face. "Well, if all that training didn't do a damn thing for him, then it sure as hell isn't going to help you."

"Fuck you!" I screamed and crashed my head into the bridge of his nose.

Both hands covered his face and I laughed as blood seeped through his fingers.

"Bitch!"

He fixed a murderous glare on me as he reared back a hand, ready to strike. I wouldn't give in and stood strong in front of him, waiting for the blow.

"Newton!"

A voice echoed in the hallway and Newton pulled his punch, barely making contact with my stomach. It wasn't hard but the damage was done. The blow sent me to my knees unable to breathe.

I heard a thump and looked up to see Whitlock pressing Newton face first into the wall and holding his arms behind his back.

"What do you think you're doing?"

More footsteps echoed in the hallway and three more guards rushed into my line of sight.

"Get him out of here."

Whitlock let him go and backed away as two of the guards restrained Newton and dragged him down the hall.

"On your feet, Swan."

His tone was hard but the grip on my arm was gentle as he helped me up. Seeing the guard standing behind him, I understood his actions and played my part accordingly.

"Let…go…of me." I struggled against him, hoping the other guard wouldn't become suspicious.

"Gently, Whitlock, can't you see the girl can't breathe?"

"Yes, Sir." He winked at me and mouthed the word 'thanks' before giving me a tiny smile.

Once on my feet, Whitlock led me out of one hallway into another. The light grey walls of this one were much more familiar and oddly comforting to me. With a strange feeling of home, I squared my shoulders, stood a little taller and the mask I'd hidden myself behind for months fell back into place. They wouldn't break me here.

"Williams, you're wanted in the warden's office immediately." The static-filled voice came through on the radio behind us.

Whitlock turned. "Sir?"

"You heard him, Whitlock. I have to go but I trust you can handle this." Through the corner of my eye, I saw him nod at me.

"Yes, Sir," Whitlock replied obediently.

"I don't want any more trouble with this one," he pointed at me, "got it?" Whitlock nodded.

The guard stepped up and pointed the same finger directly in Whitlock's face. He wasn't at all menacing but Whitlock shrank back slightly.

"You have ten to get her to the infirmary. One minute longer and your ass will be on the street with Newton's." With that, the other guard turned and walked away.

"Is he really getting fired?" I whispered.

He looked back and forth to make sure we were alone then turned us to walk down the hallway.

"You sound surprised."

I shrugged. "I thought you guys stuck together. You know, all for one or some shit like that."

Whitlock laughed but regained his composure quickly. "We're not the musketeers, Bella."

"Whatever. Isn't there a code or something you all live by? Something that says you're all sworn to keep your _indiscretions_ secret."

"I'm not going to lie-"

His sentence cut of abruptly when another guard rounded the corner. His eyes raked over me before looking to Whitlock and nodding. He nodded back and pulled my arm, urging me to walk faster.

With a look over his shoulder, he began again. "As I was saying, I won't lie to you and say that we don't protect each other, and some guards do get away with a hell of a lot more than they should, but Newton crossed a line today. A line that should never be crossed for any reason."

"It's a good thing you're here to protect me then," I told him. "If it wasn't for you and P…um, Mendez, I don't know…"

"We didn't do anything, Bella," he interrupted. "Believe it or not, it was Crowley who went to Williams and told him about Newton. Williams just grabbed me on the way to the dock, though, I'm glad he did because I don't know how I would have explained my presence there otherwise."

"You were going to risk everything to help me?" Incredulity heavy in my voice.

"That's what friends are for, right."

The casualness of his statement rendered me speechless. He said the words so simply, as if we were two old friends chatting away while strolling through the park. The heaviness of where we were or the crime I'd committed didn't seem to faze him one little bit.

I didn't realize I'd stopped dead in my tracks until he chuckled and tugged on my arm to get me moving again.

"Is it really that hard to believe?" he questioned. "That I would consider you a friend."

"Yes," was all I could say.

"Alice has told me everything there is to know about you, Bella," he told me. "You're a good person – kind and thoughtful and loving – and I believe you always have been. You just found yourself in an impossible situation and lost your way for a while."

"Lost my way," I scoffed. "You classify murder as _losing my way_?"

"In your situation," he shrugged, "yes, I would."

He looked over his shoulder again and then down at his watch before he stopped. When he turned me to face him, his face was serious.

"Bella, I admit to not knowing everything about you but I don't believe I'm such a bad judge of character that I could have misread you so completely." Whitlock put a hand on my shoulder. "I've been in this position a long time, Bella. I've seen truly bad people come through this place and there is no way on God's green earth that I would classify you as one of those people."

"But you said it yourself," I raised an eyebrow in challenge, "you _don't_ know me."

"That's true. I don't know your favorite color or favorite song or movie or why you like chocolate milk with some cereals and not others."

My mouth dropped. "How could you…?"

He held up a hand. "Trust me, Alice is _very_ thorough." He smirked. "The point is, I may not know the superficial things that make you who you are, but I do know one very fundamental thing. You _are not_ a murderer, Bella. If you were, that man wouldn't have lived to see the morning after he beat you the first time. It took you suffering through years of torture and endless tragedy before you even considered fighting back.

"Now, I don't, in any way, condone murder, but in this case," his voice dropped to a whisper, "James Denton got exactly what he deserved and it was supreme justice that it came at your hand. But you're no killer, Bella.

"You're not going to leave this place and think about who your next victim is going to be. You're not going to walk out of here with a chip on your shoulder so big that it'll take almost nothing to set you off and give you an excuse to take another person's life. That's not who you are."

Whitlock glanced over both shoulders again to make sure we were still alone before grabbing my hands in one of his and cupping my cheek with the other.

"When you leave this place – and you _will_ leave – you're going to go out there and make the best life possible for yourself. You're going to find a new career that makes you happy and a nice, quiet place to call home. And if you so desire, you'll find a good man who'll love you and give you the most amazing life possible because you deserve it all, Bella. Every happiness this world has to offer should be yours." He looked to his watch again and grinned. "Now, walk fast 'cause you have about ninety seconds to get your butt to the infirmary."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

I had been in the exam room for hours while the doctors checked my condition. I'd heard the rumblings outside the door as they spoke and, apparently, Newton's attack did more damage than I would have thought possible.

While I didn't notice at the time, the punch he landed to my stomach coupled with the crashes against the wall had opened my stitches and the doctors were pressed to stop the bleeding. Once that was taken care of, they did a few more tests to determine the condition my head was in since I'd already been suffering from a concussion. It was the same question I had considering I'd had a splitting headache that no amount of medicine seemed to alleviate.

Even with the concern of the doctors and all the tests they were running, I wasn't the least bit nervous. I'd been in this position so many times that first year that hospital visits were sort of a routine for me. It wasn't until Doctor Reyes walked through the door with a grim look on his face that I started to worry.

"Jesus Christ, I'm dying, aren't I?" I flopped back against the bed, cringing as my head hit the hard mattress.

"Continue throwing yourself around like that and it'll come sooner rather than later," he responded dryly.

"What are you doing here, Doc?" Annoyance clear in my tone.

"What did I tell you this morning, Bella? No fighting," he chastised me. "And what's the first thing you do when you get back? Are you trying to get yourself killed or do you really see yourself as invincible?"

"You seriously think I could have stopped this?"

"You're the only one who can." I felt like a scolded child under his stern gaze. "You left my care with a promise and I get a call just hours later saying I needed to drop everything to come here and assess your condition after an altercation." He threw his hands out in exasperation. "Can't you stay away from the other inmates for even a day?"

"Inmates?" I questioned and then it hit me. "They didn't tell you what happened, did they?"

"What are you talking about?" His confusion confirmed my words.

"I haven't seen another inmate since I've been back," I told him. "A guard did this to me. He hates me and when I came back, I guess he saw his chance to exact a little revenge."

"A guard?" His voice was full of disbelief. "And what kind of revenge? What's going on around here and is this something Mr. Cullen should be aware of?"

I snorted. "Trust me, I am one hundred percent sure Mr. Cullen's already been told what happened today and I'm more than positive he's handling things on his end."

I had no doubt Whitlock had found a way by now to tell Carlisle what happened. And if I knew Carlisle, he had already given the warden hell about this and informed a judge to get some kind of injunction that would give me a cell in my own private wing or something. Thinking of the fight he would put up made me laugh as I thought of the vein popping out on his forehead again.

"This is funny to you?" Doctor Reyes growled.

"Not at all." I sobered up, sliding the mask back into place. "And to answer your question, the guard that did this has not been my biggest fan almost from the moment I got here. When I was in the hospital, he was one of the guards selected for my detail and we got into an argument one night. I guess it somehow got back to the warden and he was removed." I shrugged. "Now, don't ask me why that's a big deal or why it should make him hate me that much more but it did and when I stepped out of the van this morning, he was waiting for me."

"I've already voiced my concern about you being back here, unfortunately, there's nothing I can do to change matters. Like you, I'm going to have to place my faith in Mr. Cullen to keep you out of harm's way but if I'm called here again, I may have to find a way to petition a judge myself to have you moved to a medically safe facility."

His concern was touching but completely unnecessary. With Newton gone and Crowley dropping off the list of douche bags for the moment, I felt a little safer. The only threat to me now was Victoria but, since I was headed for solitary for the next week and then bed rest in the infirmary after that, she was the last thing on my list of worries.

"Now that we got that out of the way, what do the tests show? Am I dying or what?"

"Not funny, Ms. Swan."

"So, I'm Ms. Swan again?" I shook my head. "Damn, you doctors have no sense of humor."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have addressed you so informally earlier. Sometimes my worry overrides my professionalism. It's a sickness and I'm taking medication to control it."

He quirked a brow and I laughed. It was the deep, rumbling kind of laugh only Carlisle seemed to invoke in me these days and, with my broken ribs hurting like hell, it wasn't a good idea. Once the gasping, wheezing and coughing stopped, Doctor Reyes apologized.

"No need, Doc. I guess I was wrong about that sense of humor. I'm gonna have to keep my eye on you."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but after I leave here, I truly hope I never see you again."

"You sure do know how to give a girl confidence, Doc." I smirked.

"Somehow, I don't think you have a problem in the confidence department, Ms. Swan." He smirked in return. "Now, about these test results."

The seriousness of his expression had me bracing myself for the worst. His deep breath caused the hair on the back of my neck to stand up. He was stalling and that never meant anything good.

"Thankfully," I breathed a sigh of relief with that one word, "the opening of your sutures was the worst of your injuries and, since that's already been rectified, you should have nothing to worry about."

"But my head…" I touched my temple. "It's been hours and it's still pounding."

He shook his head. "There was nothing in your results that pointed toward more trauma. Based on what I see, I'm going to assume it's a simple headache."

"Simple," I repeated incredulously.

"It's not the best word to use for the pain you're in but it's the easiest explanation." My eyes narrowed and he explained. "The pain may be increased due to the concussion you're already suffering from, therefore, the ibuprofen you've been given isn't working."

He made a few notes in the file he was holding before looking back up to me.

"I've just added a note to your file stating that you are to be given a stronger pain medication if the pain hasn't receded in the next few hours. They have the dosage you were given in the hospital on file and they can administer that if necessary." He pointed his pen at me. "Only if necessary," he warned.

"Believe me, Doc, you have nothing to worry about. I watch my back here and there's no way I'd incapacitate myself in this place."

"I'm glad you do." He stood from his chair. "Get some rest, Ms. Swan. You're going to need it."

"Thanks, Doc," I smiled, "for everything."

"That's what I'm here for." He returned the smile and left the room.

I sat in the exam room for another twenty minutes before a nurse and guard came to escort me to one of the beds. They were in lines of six along each wall and other than mine, there were only two beds occupied.

In the first bed closest to the door, an older, Hispanic woman was lying on her side reading a book. She wasn't anyone I recognized so I didn't bother giving her a second look. The occupant of the second bed was covered head to toe with the blanket, though, I could hear soft cries coming from underneath. Curious but, then again, not anything that made me look twice.

My bed was at the end of the line and I felt more secure having the wall at my back. It was another defense mechanism Edward taught me, giving me one less thing to worry about during a fight. When I was settled, the nurse handed me the book Carlisle had given me at the hospital, which was a happy little surprise, before she turned at walked away.

I had settled in with my book and read the first two chapters before the woman next to me moaned and rolled over, the sound pulling my eyes in her direction. The blankets had shifted when she did and my breath caught.

Fighting through the pain, I couldn't get out of my bed fast enough. I pulled the blankets away hoping to God I was wrong.

"Rosalie." I touched her bruised and swollen face. "Oh God, Rosalie."

"Isabella?" Her voice was hoarse as she called out to me.

Her hand grabbed mine as she tried to open her eyes but they were swollen shut. My heart broke seeing her like that and I pictured myself looking the same way, with the same bruises, before I'd run away.

"God, Rosalie." Tears poured from my eyes as I laid my forehead gently against hers. "What did that bitch do to you?"

"They jumped me. The guards weren't there. They didn't come fast enough." Her hand slid from mine and gripped the side of my shirt. The other circled my back and pulled me down on top of her and she held me with every bit of strength she had. "I was so scared."

I held her while she cried, whispering soothing words of comfort. Anything really to help her calm down. Looking up, I noticed we'd caught the attention of the woman at the end of the row of beds. She gave me a sympathetic look and rolled over to her other side, attempting to give us some privacy, I supposed.

"Rosalie?" I tried to pull away. "Rosalie."

It was a struggle but she finally released me and, after checking the room to make sure no one was going to stop me, I sat on the edge of her bed. I took one of her hands in mine and stroked her hair with the other.

"I know Victoria did this." It took everything in me to keep my voice steady. "Tell me what happened."

She told me her story and I fought hard against the bile rising in my mouth. This girl – this seventeen-year-old girl – had a target on her back and I knew it was because of me. I had been the one to attack Victoria when she was pushing Rosalie around in the cafeteria the day I was sent to the hospital. I was the one… but they made her pay for it.

"Rosalie…"

"No," her voice shook as she stopped me, "there's more."

My heart dropped. _What more could there possibly be?_

"Tell me." The command came out stronger than I thought it could.

"Before they beat me, she said… She wanted…" She gripped my hand hard. "Oh Isabella, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Rosalie, just tell me. Let me help you." I ran my hand through her hair again. "Whatever it is, please let me help you."

Her voice dropped to a whisper. "It's not me… it's you."

"What about me?"

"She wants _you_." A sob broke through. "She wants you dead and she's going to keep coming after me until you…"

"That's never gonna happen." I cut her off forcefully and cupped her face in my hands. "Do you understand me? That is _never_ going to happen." I pulled her to me, dropping my voice so only she heard me. "I'm gonna kill that bitch."

"No, don't." She clung to me. "Please don't."

"I won't let her hurt you, Rosalie." My hand fisted into her hair. "I swear on my life that I will do whatever I have to do to keep you safe, but I need you to do one thing for me."

"What can I do?" She sounded helpless and my heart went out to her.

Letting her out of my grasp, I touched my forehead to hers again. "Promise me, whatever happens, you will find a way to stay in here for the next five days. Fake an illness or more injuries, I don't care just do something so they keep you here."

"Why?"

She leaned back and I could see the barely there slits of her eyes. She could see me and had to let her know how serious I was. With a hand on her cheek, I stared intently into the sliver of green I could see though the bruises.

"That fight with Victoria earned me a week in solitary and I can't protect you from there. So promise me you'll stay here where you're safe. _Do not_, under any circumstances, let them release you back on the block until I can be there with you."

She nodded, tears running down her cheeks. "Thank you, Isabella."

I drew her to me again. "Don't thank me. I should have stepped up sooner. I should have helped you long before this and I'm so sorry I didn't."

Rosalie cried herself to sleep against my shoulder. When I was sure she was fully under, I eased her gently back down and tucked her in the way my mother used to do for me. Despite the bruises and swelling, she looked like a little girl lying in that bed. I supposed, in some ways, she really was. Seventeen was too young for anyone to live this life and I couldn't help but wonder how this happened to her.

This child wasn't the hardened criminal that belonged in prison. Not that I knew much about criminals but, from what I did know, this girl wasn't one of them. She had an innocence about her that you only found in a good, loving and sheltered home. It was an innocence I'd seen before…in Leah.

A single tear fell for my old friend as I ran a hand through Rosalie's hair. I leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

"I'm here for you, Rosalie," I whispered. "I won't let you down again."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Rosalie's groans were the only sounds to break the silence all evening. The woman at the other end of the room had long since fallen asleep and the entire room is dark outside my small sphere of light.

I couldn't sleep, too anxious to be back in this place. Grabbing the book from where I'd left it an hour ago, I flipped it open to the page that made me close it in the first place.

"Stupid love scenes," I muttered as I settled in to read.

Hours passed and I reached the heart of the story and couldn't take it any longer. I threw the book to the bottom of the bed then kicked at it to get it as far from me as possible.

"No good?"

I jumped at the sound of Rosalie's voice and hurried to wipe the tears soaking my cheeks. I cleared my throat and answered. "I thought you were sleeping."

I heard the strain in my voice and hoped she was too tired to notice. She rolled onto her side and, even though I couldn't see her eyes, I could feel them as if she were burning a hole straight through me.

"I was. Um..." she paused, "are you okay?"

"I'm fine." My eyes fell to the blanket and my head dropped as I felt another tear fall.

"Isabella," she said quietly, "I know you think I'm just a kid but you can talk to me…you know…if you want to. You don't have to be so tough all the time."

"I'm not tough, Rosalie," I said feeling defeated. "Far from it."

"But you're the only one in this place that will stand up to Victoria."

"That's just fighting." I shrugged. "There's nothing tough about it."

"You know," she let out a soft giggle, "I think she's afraid of you."

I chuckled, raising an eyebrow. "You think so."

"She acts tough but I've seen her." She laughed again. "She flinches when you walk past her."

The springs in the mattress creaked and Rosalie groaned a second before her overhead light switched on. Wincing as she moved, she settled herself against the metal bars, which posed as a headboard for the bed.

"But I don't want to talk about her." She pointed to the floor in the general direction of my discarded book. "What was that about?"

"It was nothing." I went for nonchalance but I don't think I succeeded. "You really should get some sleep. If I've learned anything in all of my hospital visits it's that sleep is the best medicine."

"Isabella you kicked that book like…"

"I said it's nothing," I snapped.

She flinched and my gut twisted with guilt as she reached up to turn her light off.

"I'm sorry."

The springs in the mattress protested again as she lay back down. I sighed and pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes.

"No, Rosalie, I'm sorry. It's just that…well..." I took a breath. "I haven't done so well with love in my life and I hate the way some books make it seem so perfect. All sunshine and roses when it's anything but."

"I know what you mean," she said dejectedly. "Those books don't even come close to reality. There are no roses, just wrong moves and stupid decisions."

The venom in her last statement sounded wrong coming from a girl so young.

"You sound like you speak from experience."

"I do. After all, love is what brought me here."

"Rosalie," was all I could say before she continued.

"When I was twelve years old, my sister, Tanya, used to like this boy named Royce King. She was head over heels for the guy and used to bring him around the house all the time. I always thought he was cute but they were already juniors in high school, so he was obviously way too old for me. It didn't stop me from looking though."

Her light flicked back on but she just rolled over onto her back and stared at the ceiling. The restlessness in her hands told me how nervous she was as she went on.

"I was twelve so obviously the boys in my school were nothing like him. He dressed in jeans and tight-fitting t-shirts all the time but he looked really nice and his hair was always perfect, never out of place. My mom loved him, but every once in a while I would hear my dad grumble and call him a delinquent when he would move just the right way and the tattoos on his arms or the one on his shoulder would show.

"I never understood it but Tanya explained it to me and described him as the 'bad boy', which made him sexier. They were her words not mine, but I wasn't arguing," she interjected. "Anyway, I would sneak around the house whenever he was over and just watch him.

"One day, I was watching them from around the corner of the kitchen and ducked back when Tanya got up to go to the bathroom. When I went to peek again, he was on his knees right in front of me. He grabbed me, hauled me into his lap and tickled me. I begged for his mercy and when he stopped and I could finally breathe again, he let me up, grabbed my hand and pulled me into the living room with him.

'_You should never be in the shadows, Rosie. Come hang out with us for a while.'_

"He smiled when he said it and I got these tingles all over. I never felt anything like it before and, honestly, I would have done anything he asked of me at that point. So when he pulled me down next to him and put his arm over my shoulders, I was jumping up and down on the inside just to be sitting with him."

"That didn't seem strange to you?" I asked then added. "I mean, you were twelve and I really don't mean to offend you by saying this, but why would a seventeen year old guy want to hang out with you."

"None taken." She shrugged. "Believe me, Tanya wasn't very happy about it either. It was really no big deal. I just thought he liked having me around. He would always come into the house and, if I wasn't in his direct line of sight, he would call for me. _'Rosie,'_ he would yell, _'get your butt down here, kid.'_

"I knew they were there, of course. You couldn't miss the sound of Royce's car pulling up to the house. I just liked the feeling I got – you know, those tingles in my stomach – when I heard him calling for me. So I'd wait in my room and run down the stairs when he did. He waited for me at the bottom of the stairs and caught me and twirled me around as I jumped at him from the second step. It was just the way we were."

I didn't like where this was going.

"Rosalie, you have to see how wrong his behavior was."

"He never touched me, okay," she said defensively. "He never did anything inappropriate. We were just…close."

"But he was…"

"I can't explain it." She cut me off. "Yes, _I_ had a crush on him but it wasn't like that for him. He was Tanya's boyfriend and he was my friend. He never treated me like there was anything more."

With a heavy sigh, I let the subject drop. I knew it was really none of my business but I had to know her story. I had to know how she ended up here and I didn't want her to get so defensive that she quit talking now.

"I'm sorry, okay. I didn't mean to make it more than it was," I apologized.

"It's okay. I guess if I think about it from your point of view, yeah it seems kinda creepy, but I promise you it was nothing like that."

I didn't want to mention the fact that she still wasn't of age for them to have any kind of relationship, which meant that it really was like that. That would have shut her down completely.

"We went on like that for the next year and a half. Despite my crush, he became one of my best friends. I talked to him about my problems before I ever went to Tanya. Boy problems especially. I told him what the boys would do and he would give me real advice. It was all perfect.

"Then it came time for them to graduate and it was like Tanya couldn't get out of town fast enough. She had a scholarship to Princeton and rather than fly out before the school year was supposed to start, she took off the week after graduation. It was strange the way she just picked up and left but what was even stranger was how upset and angry Royce was when she left."

"What do you mean?" I interrupted. "His girlfriend just moved away and you didn't think he'd be upset?"

"Not really. Towards the middle of their senior year, their relationship wasn't the same. She obviously still liked him because she wouldn't break up with him, but she was always arguing with him. She would yell at him for being out late and not calling, or standing her up for dates without explanation. There was this one time he was over for dinner and he jumped up right in the middle of it and left when he got a text message. Dad was pissed and he and Tanya got into a huge fight."

"And it was all downhill from there," I muttered.

"Exactly," she confirmed. "Anyway, Tanya must not have told Royce she was leaving because he showed up at our house a couple of days after she was gone. I can still see the look on his face after I told him. His face lost all color, his jaw tightened and there was this lost look in his eyes. I swear I could have killed my sister for hurting him like that and for hurting me at the same time."

"It must have been hard to lose her like that."

"I didn't care about that," she growled. "Her selfishness took Royce away from me."

"What?"

"With Tanya gone, there was no reason for Royce to come around anymore, especially the way my dad felt about him. I lost my sister and my best friend all at once."

"It was probably for the best," I offered.

"No, Isabella, it wasn't _for the best_." The hateful tone she used as she repeated my words made me shiver. "Nothing was the same after he left. I was completely unhappy and since no one measured up to Royce in my mind, I never had relationships. There was nothing of substance left in me. I became the very definition of shallow.

"Clothes, hair, make-up…that was all I cared about. I hung out with the popular kids but all my friendships were superficial at best and if I let a boy near me, it was for one date, maybe two if I was feeling generous, and that was it. That's when the rumors started.

"I was labeled a bitch and a whore by the girls who accused me of sleeping with their boyfriends. The boys all thought I was a slut who they could bang once and be done. I pretended like I didn't care, but it hurt that no one would ever stop for just a second to see the real me."

God, her story was breaking my heart. She lost herself when the two most important people in her life were taken away from her. Though our stories were different, I could relate. I completely lost myself when I lost Edward, only I didn't have the strength to go on like she did. My life spiraled in the opposite direction.

"Things got better, though." Her words pulled me from my thoughts. "A few months after my sixteenth birthday, my parents were spending the week in Hawaii for their anniversary and, since they lived in their clueless little world and hadn't heard the rumors about me, they trusted me enough to let me stay home alone. Now, before you say anything, I was just fine alone. Despite what everyone thought of me, I was a good kid and would have died before I let my parents think otherwise."

That made me smile. I didn't really know her, but even I could tell she was a good kid. Somehow, whoever this Royce King was, he took advantage of her and the love she had for him. He hurt her and that alone made me hate him.

"So, I was home alone and in my room doing homework when I heard it."

"Heard what?"

"Royce's car." The corner of her lips turned up a little as she said it. "I hadn't heard it in so long but I knew it was him and I flew off my bed, nearly falling down the stairs in my rush to get to the door. I practically ripped it from the hinges to open it and there he was. It had been two and a half years since I'd seen him and he was still so good looking, so perfect, and a smile spread across his lips when he saw me standing there.

"Before I could say or do anything, he had me in his arms, twirling me around like he used to. I held on for dear life just breathing him in and reveling in the fact that he was there and holding me again. When he finally stopped spinning, his lips were on my cheek and he whispered in my ear, '_God, I missed you, Rosie.'_

"Without putting me down, he kicked the door closed, carried me to the couch and sat me down next to him. He turned us so we were facing each other and he was studying my face just as much as I was studying his. He was still the boy I remembered but there was something so different about him. His eyes were different, harder maybe. I don't know but it was something.

"It wasn't just that, though. There were a few scars on his face that weren't there before, a little one on his chin, one on his left cheekbone and another above his left eye. I reached up and traced each one, asking him what happened. He grabbed and held my hand saying he'd been in a few fights but he was fine.

"I asked him where he'd been and why he just left me alone like he did and he, of course, told me what I already knew. _'Your dad hates me, Rosie. There was no way I could stick around.'_ He looked away like he was embarrassed or something but when he looked at me again, his face was so serious. '_But I never stopped watching over you,' _he said."

"He what!" I was off my bed and sitting on hers, gasping through my pain. "He was watching you! Rosalie, that was so wrong."

"But I missed him so much." Rosalie groaned, pushing herself up to lean against the headboard again. "When he said that I thought my wildest dreams came true and he really did care about me. Then he put his hand on my cheek and he looked so sad when he spoke again. _'I know what they're saying about you, Rosie. I can't believe it's true. Please tell me it's not true.'_ His eyes held mine when he finished.

"I told him I could never do that. That none of those boys meant anything to me. That none of them compared to him." A few tears slipped down her cheeks. "He pulled me into a hug so tight it knocked the breath out of me, but it wasn't tight enough. I cried in his arms as all the pain and loneliness I'd felt since he left drained out of me. He was back and that was all that mattered to me.

"When I finally calmed down, I could feel his breath on my ear when he told me none of them mattered anymore. _'Forget them,' _he told me. _'You don't need them anymore because I'm never leaving you again.'_

"I backed away, just staring at him because there was no way he had said that to me. His hand went to my cheek again and he stared back, his eyes never leaving mine. We sat there forever before he said the one thing I never thought I'd hear…not from him. _'You're _my_ girl, Rosie. Forever…if that's what you want.'_

"He offered me the only thing I ever wanted and I took it. There were no second thoughts, no questions, when I threw myself at him and kissed him. It was my first real kiss, the only kiss that would ever mean anything to me and when he asked to take me upstairs, I didn't hesitate to let him be my first."

She broke down and I grabbed her hand, dabbing at her eyes with the corner of her blanket. "It's okay, Rosalie. You don't have to talk about this anymore."

She nodded. "But I do. My lawyer won't let me talk to anyone. No one's letting me tell my side."

"Honey, it's better for you not to talk to anyone. People can twist your words to make you look guilty and your lawyer is trying to keep that from happening."

"No. He's making Royce out to be some monster but he's not."

"Rosalie…"

"No, Isabella." She didn't let me get a word in. "I'll admit, he's done some bad things and probably should have gone to jail for some of them but his worst decision was introducing me to the wrong people."

My suspicions were at an all-time high, but her last sentence confused me. If Royce wasn't the bad guy in all of this, what had she meant about stupid decisions?

"Okay, I'm confused," I admitted. "So Royce isn't the reason you're here?"

"Yes and no," she said vaguely. "Royce and I had to keep our relationship a secret from my parents, and Tanya of course, but it was amazing. We were so happy together and because of him, things got better at school. After the first few weeks of teasing, the boys finally left me alone and the girls I pretended to be friends with were no longer a part of my life. I met this really great girl named Vera and she became my best friend. My life was perfect again. I had my boyfriend and my best friend, my grades were climbing back to where they used to be and I was happy. For the first time in years, I was happy."

Her smile came and went in a matter of seconds.

"Vera noticed the changes in him first and tried to warn me."

"What changes?" I asked.

"It took me a while to see it but he was starting to pull away, distancing himself from me the way he did with Tanya. Vera thought he was cheating but I knew that wasn't it, so I asked him. I told him I didn't want to fight with him, but I couldn't let myself be treated like I meant nothing like he did with Tanya. He broke down when I mentioned her name and apologized for hurting her and said he never wanted to hurt me like that. Then he explained everything."

She paused for a few seconds, leaving me on pins and needles waiting for her to finish. Some of the swelling had gone down and I could see more of her eyes as she looked at me.

"When he was with Tanya, he got involved with a bad bunch of guys. They were buying and selling drugs, breaking into houses, stealing cars…anything they could do to make money. It was bad but after Tanya left him and my dad told him to never show his face around our house again, he lost all control. He got reckless and his actions landed him in jail for a year. He got into some fights while he was locked up, which is where the scars came from.

"When he got out, he stayed away from them and when he thought it was safe, he came to see me. My dad wouldn't let him anywhere near me – he didn't even tell me he came looking – so he watched me from the shadows. He wanted to approach me several times but he said it was like my dad was always there. It did explain my dad's constant presence during that time." She let out a little laugh. "Anyway, when he found out my parents were gone, he saw his chance and he took it.

"He told me he was happy that we were together and he would have given up everything for me, but those guys came back and were trying to bring him back in. He was pulling away from me so they wouldn't find out about me, but it didn't work."

"What does that mean?" I asked anxiously.

"After he told me everything, he wanted to leave me. He wanted to end everything and walk away." Her voice cracked.

"To protect you, Rosalie." I squeezed her hand. "Don't you see, he was willing to walk away from the love he found in you to keep you safe from those people."

"You're defending him now?" She chuckled humorlessly.

Thinking of everything I should have given up to keep Edward safe, I answered. "Let's just say…I understand him and his reasons for wanting to leave."

"Whatever his reasons, I couldn't let him go. I couldn't lose him again." Her hand trembled in mine. "The night he said goodbye I cried. I cried for hours. When the tears were gone and I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I went to find Royce.

"When he opened his apartment door, he paled and his eyes went wide. His head went back and forth between the opened door and me then he grabbed my arm and pushed me away from him. _'Get out of here, Rosalie, and don't come back.'_ He never once called me Rosalie and hearing him say it then, with so much hate, it was like he was ripping my heart out with his bare hands.

"I tried to argue. To beg him not to do it, not to give up on us, but he wouldn't listen. I grabbed his hand as he pushed me away and wouldn't let go, not until he admitted he still loved me and we belonged together. He just kept pushing me away, telling me it was over. That there was never a chance for us.

"I know I looked pathetic, begging him and clinging to him the way I was, but I didn't know any other way to make him listen. I would have fought all night if I had to, but we were interrupted." She paused and my hand was trembling right along with hers.

"Interrupted," I urged.

"There was a man standing in his doorway watching us. He had this smile on his face like he was enjoying the scene I was making. Before I could say anything, he pushed away from the wall and put a hand on Royce's shoulder and glared down at me. _'Come on, King, that's no way to treat a lady.' _He grabbed my hand and kissed it then said, _'Especially not one as beautiful as this.'_

"I yanked my hand away from him just as Royce pushed me away again, telling me it was time to go. That man spoke up again. _'Nonsense, King. No one's going anywhere until we've met properly.'_ When Royce spoke again, it was to introduce us._ 'Felix, this is Rosalie. My _ex_ girlfriend.' _His emphasis on the word 'ex' felt like a knife slicing right through me. And the way he said it…so cold, so emotionless, it was like the Royce I'd known all along was gone."

Under the blanket, she pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around her knees, resting her chin in the space between her knees.

"Sometimes I wish he would have stayed like that."

"Like what?" I asked when she didn't elaborate.

"Cold…uncaring," she mumbled. "If he would have acted like that and tried to break up with me, I would have been able to walk away. I would have been able to let him go. At least, I think I could have." Her arms tightened around her legs. "But we didn't break up. In fact, there were times we would be together and he would slip and _my_ Royce would come back. He would tell me he loved me and make promises to take me away from that place and those people. Take me somewhere we could be free and happy. A place where we could get married and have a family and live a quiet life, just the two of us."

She dropped her forehead to her knees, muffling her words as she spoke. "I wanted that. You have no idea how much I wanted that." She huffed and lifted her head to look at me. "I was just about to turn seventeen and there I was thinking about running away and starting a family. It was crazy but there wasn't anything I wanted more than Royce. But I didn't get to have him. Not once Felix brought him in for their next job.

"When he first heard about that bank, Royce was scared. He came straight to my house to get me. He didn't care about my dad, or that I was still in school or the fact that we had no money; he just wanted to go. He begged me to pack my things, said we had to leave and then he left. He was only supposed to be gone for thirty minutes so there wasn't much time. Scared as I was, I did what he asked. I was ready to go; only he never came back."

"Oh no." My hand covered my mouth. "They didn't…"

"No, he was fine. It took me two days to find out, but he was fine."

"Two days? How could he leave you guessing like that? That's just…just…cruel," I stammered.

"It was and I was ready to kill him for making me worry like that. And I probably would have if he'd come back acting like himself."

The more she talked the faster my mind worked and I could almost see where this whole story was going.

"They got to him. Threatened him somehow." I shook my head. That wasn't a good enough explanation. "No, they threatened you, didn't they?"

My hands clenched into fists, nervously awaiting her explanation.

"Royce never told me exactly what happened, but it's the only thing that makes sense. You didn't see him that day, rushing around my room, throwing everything he could get his hands on into a bag for me. Then, two days later, he's telling me he _has_ to do this job. _'We could live the good life for years,'_ he said. _'You, our babies, will never have to worry about money.'_ Like I cared about that.

"I'm not stupid. I knew how dangerous it was and I didn't want him to have any part of it. I tried to convince him to leave, to run away with me somewhere they couldn't find us. He just grabbed me and held me tight with his forehead pressed against mine. _'I have to do this, Rosie. For you. For us. It's the only way.'_

"They planned for weeks and the night before it was supposed to happen, I was a wreck, imagining all the ways things could go wrong and countless ways Royce could get hurt. Vera stayed with me for a while but I couldn't tell her anything, so nothing she did could help calm me down. I finally sent her home and just cried into my pillow that night.

"The next day, I pretended to be sick and skipped school. There was no way I would make it through the day without knowing if Royce was safe or not. When I heard a frantic pounding on my front door, I thought it was him and he'd changed his mind, but it wasn't. Felix was standing on my doorstep when I opened the door, looking more worried than I'd ever seen him."

That didn't sound good at all. It had to be the part of the story that pulled Rosalie into their plan somehow.

"Worried?"

"Yeah. He didn't have that confidence…no," her brow furrowed as she came up with the right word, "that cockiness about him that I'd seen from the moment we met. I started to freak out and it just got worse when he took a step in and grabbed my hand. _'You have to come with me, Rosalie. Royce is in trouble.' _You can imagine how badly I panicked and I didn't think. I grabbed my purse and ran out the door."

"You didn't ask…"

"It never crossed my mind." She cut me off. "Royce was in trouble and I had to go to him."

The hand that wasn't holding hers covered my eyes as I blew out a heavy breath. I wanted to scold her or tell her how stupid it was to trust Felix, but I couldn't do that. Not only because it was in the past, but because she already knew that without me telling her.

"I know I should have asked," she answered my unspoken words, "but Royce needed me. Or at least I thought he did. When we pulled up at their meeting place around the corner and down the block from the bank, I saw Royce sitting on the ground, leaning against the car just staring at the building in front of him.

"I threw the car door open and jumped out before Felix even had time to shut the car off. My knees hit the ground in front of Royce and his head snapped up. The panic in his eyes said it all; I had no business being there. And he asked me as much. Then he begged me to leave and wait for him at home.

"Felix just laughed. _'Not gonna happen, King. We needed a driver; I got us a driver. And with all the bitching and moaning you've been doing for the last week, you needed some…motivation to get the job done.' _He jerked me away from Royce and held me against his chest with his cheek pressed against mine. _'Bank jobs are dangerous, Rosie, but if you drive us outta here, I'll make sure your boy here makes it out alive.'_

"Royce jumped up and Felix pulled a gun from his pocket, pointing it at Royce to stop him before he pressed it under my chin. _'I'll do it. I swear. Please don't hurt him.' _I begged and he just laughed. _'I knew you'd see it my way.'_ Felix pushed me forward into Royce's arms before he turned to the other guys and started getting ready.

"I was crying and shaking and begging Royce to forgive me. His hands were like ice as they held my cheeks and tears were running down his face as he apologized and begged _me_ to forgive him for getting me involved. Then he wrapped his arms around me and tried to assure me that it would all be over soon. He pulled back and kissed me and told me he loved me before promising me the world when everything was over. I begged him to be careful and watch his back 'cause he couldn't trust Felix. A second later, Felix was pulling him out of my arms and pushing me toward the car I was supposed to drive.

"I was crying so hard and my entire body was shaking so bad I didn't think I could even hold the wheel let alone drive the car. But Royce's life depended on me so I had to do it. I had to be strong for him."

"Oh, Rosalie." I leaned in to hug her.

She held on and cried for a few minutes before leaning back.

"He made it out, though, didn't he?"

She nodded. "They were gone for about ten minutes before I saw them though my mirror rounding the corner behind me. Royce had four big bags in his hands and the other guys, whose names I can't even remember, were practically carrying Felix."

"Please tell me that bastard got shot and bled to death." I couldn't keep the growl out of my voice.

"I wish," she said disgustedly, "but we're not that lucky. He did get shot, though. That's how the cops found him so fast. And being the slimy son of a bitch he is, he cut a deal and turned on Royce, saying he planned everything and I helped him do it. The cops didn't believe him at first but his friends backed up his story and since I was driving the car, they stopped asking questions and arrested us both." She shrugged. "Now I'm stuck here for the next fifteen years unless my lawyer can get me out."

"Rosalie, you're a seventeen year old girl with no priors. What makes you think he can't?"

"My fingerprints are all over the car, the bags and Royce's house, where this whole thing was planned, and I know some of the details of their plan. But I only know because Felix wasn't known for keeping his mouth shut and he talked a lot when I was around. Now I know why.

"My lawyer said I would have a chance if I testified against Royce, but I told him that would never happen. Sure he went through with their plan, but he wasn't the _mastermind_ of this whole idiotic thing and I won't say that he was just to get myself out of prison."

"Rosalie…"

"No, Isabella. I won't do it." She leaned forward a little. "What would I have if I did, huh? Nothing," she answered her own question. "I'd have nothing because not only would Royce still be in prison, but he'd hate me for the rest of his life and I won't let that happen.

"I may be young and I may be stupid, but I won't be the reason the man I love rots in prison for the next twenty-five years."

I smiled at her conviction. Her love for Royce was obvious and there was nothing I would do to ruin that for her. I thought for a minute and came up with a plan of my own.

"I love that you're so committed to him. Love like that is really hard to find. But I wasn't going to tell you to say anything against Royce. It wouldn't be right." I grabbed her hand again. "I think I may have a way to help you, though. Will you let me?"

"And there's no chance that Royce would be hurt by this?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so."

She moved quickly, throwing her arms around me. "Thank you, Isabella."

"Don't thank me yet," I told her, squeezing her shoulders tight. "Let's see if this works first." I kissed her temple. "It's late and you need to rest. We'll talk again when I'm back on the block."

"Okay," she agreed.

I tucked her back in and ran a hand over her hair.

"Just remember what I said, okay." She looked at me confused. "Stay here. Do whatever you have to do to stay in this bed until I'm out."

"I'll do my best."

"Thank you," I said, relieved. "Oh…and my friends call me Bella."

I smiled at her and turned off her light before walking back to my bed. Settling in, I let the silence envelope me but before I could fall asleep, I heard Rosalie's quiet whisper.

"Thanks, Bella."

* * *

**So…Newton gets fired, Crowley proves not to be a complete douche bag and Whitlock finally declared his friendship and support for Bella. Oh, and we finally know how young Rosalie ended up in prison. I'd say Bella had one hell of a day. And what could she be planning that could help Rosalie? Hmm…I'm pretty sure the answer's obvious but we'll have to wait and see.**

**As always, big hugs and kisses to each and every one of you that are still on this ride with me. This isn't the easiest story to read but your support continues to mean the world to me. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	34. Unwanted Feelings

**Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**A huge thank you goes out to CherylSab and AgoodWITCH because, without them, I'd be a neurotic mess. I love you both so much. **

**Again, I have to give lots of love to kmah88 who has been a big help in prettying up my words. Thanks so much, hun. You are the best ever and I love you so, so much.**

**As for the update, I could offer you a hundred excuses why it took so long, but I won't. Let's just get to the good stuff, shall we? See you at the bottom.**

* * *

**Chapter 34 – Unwanted Feelings**

**February 28, 2010**

Rosalie was still asleep when Guard Clearwater walked me out of the infirmary. I wished I could talk to her, hug her, and remind her to stay safe, but that wasn't going to happen. As I glanced over my shoulder for a final look, I could only hope she took my words seriously and did all she could to stay put for the week.

I wouldn't be there to protect her if she went back to the block now and I wanted her safe, needed her safe, if I was going to help her get back to Royce in one piece.

"Oh no." I stopped moving. "Damn it. How could I be so stupid?"

"Keep moving, Swan." Guard Clearwater tugged my arm.

I moved with him as he continued to lead me down the hall. There had to be a way to fix this. There had to be. My mind whirled as the minutes passed. I couldn't think and the closer we got to the solitary cells made it worse.

Two hallways. Sixty feet was all I had before the answer finally hit me. They were friends. At least I thought they were friends and it would be a huge risk to even ask, but I had no choice. Rosalie needed me and I wouldn't let her down.

"I need your help," I blurted to Clearwater.

No answer.

"Please, I need…"

"Quiet, Swan."

"But you helped Paul…" I rushed the words out but he cut me off again.

"I said quiet," he warned, jerking my arm. We walked a few steps and he shook his head. "They warned me about you. Said you can't keep your mouth shut."

"I'm sorry, but I need your help." I could hear the desperation in my voice, but I needed him to listen. "I need to get a message to Paul."

"Enough!" He looked around, catching sight of a guard farther down the hall. Luckily, he wasn't close enough to hear. "Do you know what they would do to him if someone heard you?"

Guilt tore at my gut. I knew saying his name could get Paul into a lot of trouble. Sometimes it was so hard to see him as the guard he was supposed to be.

"I'm sorry," I apologized again. "I need his help. Please, will you give him a message for me?"

"What could be so important?" he whispered angrily.

"Protecting someone," I admitted, "and I can't do that if I'm locked up." I turned to face him, my eyes pleading. "Please, will you help me?"

His eyes narrowed as he studied me. We were stopped in the middle of the hallway, probably drawing attention to ourselves, but I refused to look away. Not until he made his decision.

"Clearwater."

Startled, his body jerked to attention. "Sir."

"Is there a problem here?"

I recognized the same guard from yesterday – Williams, I thought Whitlock had called him. He was ten feet away from us and closing the distance quickly. Unfortunately, Guard Clearwater didn't answer fast enough and he turned his hard glare on me.

"Causing more trouble, Swan?" There was a fire in his eyes that wasn't there yesterday. "Maybe another five days down here will do you some good."

"No, Sir." I started to beg but Clearwater tightened his grip on my arm.

"There's no problem, Sir. The doc said to keep an eye out and take her back if she has trouble breathing. I was making sure she was still good before I locked her in."

He lied so flawlessly and I felt the guilt spread through me. Each of these men was putting their necks, and jobs, on the line to help me. There would never be anything I could do to repay them for their kindness.

"And?" Williams questioned.

"She's fine, Sir. She won't be any trouble."

Another squeeze to my arm issued his silent warning and my eyes fell to the floor in acceptance.

"Fine." I heard Williams say. "Get her settled and come see me before you leave for the day."

From the few windows overhead, I could see it was still dark outside. Knowing how their shifts worked, that meant it wasn't yet five and he would have a chance to get my message to Paul before they both left for the day. That was if he would agree to do it.

"Yes, Sir," Clearwater replied and tugged my arm to get me moving again.

Footsteps faded behind us and with five more steps, Clearwater was unlocking the cell door that would be my home for the next five days.

"I'll give him your message." His voice was barely loud enough to hear over the clanking of the keys.

I let out a sigh of relief as he stood up and opened the door.

"You know the drill, Swan," he said in a louder, harsher tone. "Five steps in."

Following his orders, I moved into the cell. Against all the rules, he stepped past the doorway with me.

"Tell me fast."

"Tell him Carlisle _has_ to get the doctor to rescind his order. I can't stay in the infirmary. I need to be back on the block when I leave solitary."

"What's this about?" he whispered.

"I told you…protection."

"Who?"

"Rosalie."

"The kid?" he asked, sounding shocked.

"Yes."

He exhaled heavily and whispered, "I'll tell him."

The door shut with a thud and I stepped back knowing he still needed to remove the handcuffs. The small sliding door opened and he reached in to grab my hands. One by one, my wrists fell free as he released them and I brought them up in front of me to rub the away the sting.

"Don't let them hurt her, Swan." His soft voice carried through the small opening just before it slid closed again.

The tenderness in his voice caught me by surprise but I quickly let it go. It wasn't hard to care for Rosalie. She was a sweet girl stuck in a place she didn't belong and with the way she'd been terrorized since the day she got here, it was even harder not to feel protective of her.

Clearwater obviously knew what had happened to Rosalie and he seemed to want her protection as much as I did. He wanted it enough to deliver my message and that was enough for me.

With nothing to do, I lay down and closed my eyes, thinking of the story Rosalie told me. It would have been a great love story if only they'd been left alone. But they weren't and, though he tried to protect her, Royce allowed Rosalie to get pulled in. If he had just walked away or if he would have never gone back in the first place, none of it would have happened.

"Speak for yourself, Bella," I muttered to myself as my mind wandered to the day I realized I should have followed my own advice.

_**February 14, 2009**_

_By midday, I was exhausted. Edward closed the gym at noon on Saturdays and my training started the second the doors were locked. The four of us had already been working for two hours and I was drenched in sweat and sore from the sparring Quil and I had been doing for the past half hour._

_As my back hit the mat for the umpteenth time, Edward called it quits and sent the guys home. They said their goodbyes and left the ring, chattering and horsing around all the way back to the changing rooms. I, on the other hand, didn't move a muscle. The pain went bone-deep and moving just wasn't an option._

_I heard a low chuckle next to me and peeled one eye open. Edward was down on one knee next to me, one elbow casually resting on his leg while he hovered over me._

"_You okay?" he asked as he used the towel in his other hand to gently wipe the sweat from my neck and cheeks._

_I could only nod and shut my eye again, wanting to rest a little longer before he made me move. Edward laughed again and I noticed the towel was gone and he was brushing the wet strands of hair from my face._

"_Come on, Jess, let's get you home."_

_Like his touch, his words were soft as his fingers moved from my face, to my arm, sliding down until he reached my hand. My fingers closed around his as he helped me to a sitting position. My head hung low for a second and when I felt a little less dizzy, I looked up to see Edward's green eyes filled with worry._

_He cupped my cheek. "Are you sure you're okay? You don't look too good, Jess."_

_I took a deep breath and held it a few seconds before letting it out. "I'm good," I said, not really believing my words but needing to get away from his intense stare._

"_Lightheaded?" he asked. I nodded and his eyebrows knit together. "It's no wonder." His fingertips grazed my temple. "You're gonna have a pretty good bruise there tomorrow. I'll talk to the guys. There's no reason they should be so rough with you."_

"_No," I protested with all the strength I had. "That's what you're training me for, isn't it? To learn how to take a hit and know how to deal with the pain so I can fight back."_

_Groaning, I pushed myself to my feet. Edward was right there to steady me until I found my balance._

"_But they really shouldn't…"_

"_Edward," I cut him off, "if they take it easy on me now how will I learn to defend myself from the one person that won't?"_

_His eyes narrowed and I cringed internally as I realized how he would interpret what I said._

"_What one person?" His voice hardened._

_I rolled my eyes, hoping to sound casual as I corrected myself. "It was figure of speech."_

"_The hell it was."_

_He wasn't going to let it go, so I quickly changed the subject._

"_Edward, I'm tired, I'm sore and all I want to do is soak in a hot bath and get some sleep." I squeezed the hand I realized was still holding mine. "I'll see you Monday, okay."_

_Letting go, I walked to the edge of the ring, suppressing the groan of pain as I ducked through the ropes._

"_Jess," Edward called, obviously not willing to give up._

"_Edward, I'm fine." My feet hit the floor and I walked backward a few steps. _

"_That's not what…"_

_Afraid of what I thought he'd say, I didn't let him finish. "You said it yourself; I'm not made of glass. You don't need to coddle me. Train me like I'm one of the guys and just believe me when I say I can take it." His mouth opened to say something else but I cut him off before he could. "Now, I'm sure you have plans tonight. So go home and don't worry about me. I'll be just fine by Monday."_

_I left him with a forced smile and made my way back to the office to get my purse and go home._

_~oOo~_

_The phone ringing startled me awake. Rolling over to grab my phone, the little numbers flashing six-fifteen on the bedside clock told me I'd only been sleeping for two hours. Through blurry eyes, I saw it was Ben calling so I answered._

"Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetheart."_ He was so cheerful I couldn't help but smile._

"_You too, honey," I said with a yawn. "How was your day?"_

"Painfully uneventful. You?"

_I groaned at my sore muscles as I rolled onto my back._

"Well that doesn't sound good,"_ he commented._

"_I feel like I went a few rounds with Randy Couture."_

"Look at you."_ He chuckled. _"Barely there a month and you're already making fighting references."

"_Shut up," was my brilliant come back. "So what did you wake me up for anyway? Don't you have some hot date tonight?"_

"Not unless you came to town to surprise me."

_I rolled my eyes. "I'm going back to bed."_

"Sounds perfect. I can be there in…"

"_Nice try," I said and he laughed. _

"I just wanted to hear your voice, honey."_ His voice softened. _"I really miss you."

"_I miss you, too," I told him because I truly did._

"Well,"_ he sighed, _"I better get back to the lab. My test results should be ready soon."

"_You working on something good?" I teased, knowing he never would tell me about his work._

"Cure for the lonely heart, my dear Bella. Cure for the lonely heart."

"_Oh God." I rolled my eyes again. "What am I going to do with you?"_

"You could always marry me,"_ he said playfully._

"_Benjamin Cheney, did anyone ever tell you persistence pays off?" I asked seriously._

"_Of course."_

"_Well they lied."_

"I knew it."_ We laughed together for a few minutes and Ben sobered first. _"Try to get some sleep, Bella. Love you and I'll talk to you soon."

"_Love you, too. Goodnight, Ben."_

_Not even five seconds after I closed my eyes, my phone rang again. I was about to answer and shout obscenities at Ben but forced my mouth closed when I realized he wasn't the one calling. Forcing myself to be nice, I answered._

"_Hello, Esme." _

"Bella, sweetheart, how are you?"

_I held in the frustrated sigh, knowing what this call was for. Every call asking me to dinner started exactly the same, but tonight I wasn't in the mood. I was tired and sore and already in bed. It was just so hard to tell her no._

"_Tired," I answered. "Training was tough today and I just want to get some sleep."_

"Not tonight, Bella. Come to dinner with me. Don't let this old woman eat alone."

"_Esme, sixty-four is hardly old. Besides, you can't call yourself old when you have more energy than I do."_

"Bella, I didn't tell you my age for you to use it against me,"_ she scolded me. _"Now come on. No one should be alone on Valentine's Day. Let's go get some dinner."

_It was pointless to argue, but I didn't want to go out. Anonymity was hard to maintain if you were seen all over town. I had learned that lesson in Forks and I wasn't going to make that mistake again, so I quickly came up with an excuse._

"_It's Valentine's Day and I'm sure all the restaurants will be full tonight. There's no way we'd get a table. Why don't we just make something?"_

"Where's the fun in that?"_ When I didn't say anything she continued, sounding a little put out. _"Bella, I'm not taking no for an answer. So put on something nice and let's go."

"_I don't have anything nice." _

_It wasn't a lie. I didn't carry nice clothes around with me. At least, not the kind you'd wear to nice restaurants. There was never a point considering I didn't go out._

"No matter. Just give me two seconds."

"_Esme." I paused then tried again. "Esme."_

_Nothing._

"_Damn it."_

_I threw the phone down just as Esme's knock echoed through the empty apartment. With a huff, I rolled out of bed and walked down the stairs to let her in. She had the brightest smile on her face as she held up a pretty blue dress._

"_Isn't it beautiful?" she asked, beaming. "It's perfect for you."_

"_Esme, really, can't we just get take out. I mean, if you don't want to cook…"_

"_Nonsense. This has nothing to do with cooking. You shouldn't lock yourself away. You deserve to go someplace nice and I'm going to take you." She pushed the dress toward me. "Now go and change. We're running out of time."_

_I cocked an eyebrow. "Time for what?"_

"_We seniors like to eat early, you know." She winked at me and I rolled my eyes._

"_Ugh…fine. But don't ask me for anything else after tonight." _

_She mumbled something I didn't quite catch and when I asked what she'd said, a cheeky grin covered her face. _

"_It was nothing, sweetheart."_

"_Uh huh." I glared at her for a second before letting it go and making my way back upstairs._

_Twenty minutes later, I found Esme sitting on the couch with a cup of tea. I hadn't noticed before but she was dressed in an elegant black sequined dress. She looked so beautiful and I found myself hoping to still look like her when I was in my sixties, but I still had a long way to go._

"_Are you ready?" I asked softly, getting her attention._

_Her head whipped toward me and she smiled. "Bella, you look amazing. So beautiful. I knew that color would be perfect for you."_

_I felt the heat creep onto my cheeks at her compliment. "Thank you."_

_She stood and held up her cup. "Let me rinse this and we'll be on our way."_

_I waved a hand to the kitchen and grabbed my purse. Within seconds, she met me at the door and hooked her arm through mine._

"_Tonight will be great, Bella. I promise."_

_I was anxious as we got into her car, hating not having mine. It was my safe haven, my way to escape should anything happen, and I was nervous without it. Once inside, I made myself as small as possible so I wouldn't draw attention, but Esme wouldn't have it._

"_Don't slouch, Dear. You'll wrinkle your pretty dress."_

"_Yes, Mom," I huffed and sat up as straight as my nerves would allow._

_Luckily, the drive to the restaurant was short and I felt my body relax slightly when the hostess led us to a semi-private table near the back. Wanting to keep out of sight, I slid into the seat with my back to the rest of the room. The high-backed booth offered plenty of cover for someone who wanted to hide._

_Looking around, I noticed how beautifully the restaurant was decorated. Each table was draped with a white, floor-length cloth, candles and stylish centerpieces atop every one, and soft, romantic music played lightly through the speakers. All other patrons were sitting at tables closer to the front of the room, leaving the few tables near our booth empty. At the moment, no one would see us unless they deliberately walked to our table._

"_You planned this, didn't you?" I said as everything about the setting hit me._

"_I would say so."_

_Edward's voice made me jump and I banged my wrist against the table. He leaned in and kissed Esme's cheek then slid into the seat next to her. Concern took over as his eyes landed on the hand I was using to massage the sting from my wrist._

"_Are you okay?"_

_He reached a hand out to me but I pulled my arm into my chest. "I'm fine, just a little bump. What are you doing here?"_

_The left corner of his mouth turned up before he turned back to Esme, draping an arm over her shoulder and hugging her close._

"_Taking the most amazing woman in the world out to dinner." He kissed her cheek again. "I am surprised to see you here, though. Shouldn't you be at home?"_

_Suddenly, I felt like a third wheel, getting in the way of what was obviously supposed to be a mother/son dinner. I grabbed my purse, cursing myself for even coming._

"_I'm sorry, I'll go. You two…"_

"_Don't leave," he said in a rush, throwing his hand out to grab mine. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I mean, I'm glad you're here. I just thought you were tired and had plans to take a bath and curl up in bed."_

"_That was _my_ plan." I glared at Esme, who was the picture of innocence. "Your mother, on the other hand, didn't see that as an acceptable way to spend Valentine's Day, so here I am."_

"_She can be meddling sometimes," he nudged her with his elbow, "but I really am glad you're here."_

"_Really?" I said, a little unsure._

"_Really." He nodded with a smile on his face. "Now let's get down to business. What's good in this place?"_

_He picked up his menu and, for the first time since taking our seats, I noticed there were three menus on the table instead of two. I began to wonder how long Esme had been planning this. If she had included me into her plans before or after we had dinner together the other night. A dinner she had yet to apologize for sneaking out of and leaving me and Edward alone for the night._

_Meddling might have been a bit of an understatement. She had set us up, twice now, and had no remorse about it. I would have to be on my guard around her in the future. Whatever her plans were, whatever she was trying to do, I couldn't let it happen. Edward and I couldn't get close because, in the end, I would leave. I didn't have a choice._

_~oOo~_

_Dinner was amazing. Italian had always been one of my favorites, but I hadn't had it in years. Ben had always talked about taking me to some Italian place in Port Angeles, but driving an hour just to eat seemed excessive. Besides, I would never venture that far from home. He had offered to go pick it up on one of his nights to buy dinner, but reheated Italian just didn't taste the same._

_Aside from the food, the night had been just like the last time the three of us had dinner together. Esme regaled me with more stories of Edward's childhood. This time she told me of his high school exploits. As it had been before, I had already heard several of the stories from Ben, but it was more fun hearing it from someone who was not involved._

_Edward blushed so often throughout dinner that anyone passing by might believe there was a natural pink hue to his cheeks. It really was endearing to see him so obviously embarrassed and out of sorts. Such a change from the confident and sometimes cocky man I spent my days with._

_Esme had just finished telling me about 'the cheerleader incident,' as she called it, when the atmosphere shifted and she laid her head on Edward's shoulder._

"_My son," she said lovingly. "Have I ever told you how much joy you've brought to my life all these years?"_

_She sniffed and Edward shifted to put an arm around her shoulders._

"_Once or twice," he answered softly as he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead._

_The scene was so incredibly personal, I felt like an intruder just watching them together. Just as I thought to give them privacy, Esme's eyes found mine._

"_Jess, did I ever tell you that Edward was a miracle baby?"_

_My eyes shot to Edward just as his clenched shut. "Ma, don't start..."_

"_I mean it." She went on as if he hadn't said a word. "Ed and Lizzy tried for so long only to be left heartbroken year after year."_

_Looking back to him, Edward's eyes were a mixture of sympathy and sadness as he mouthed his apology. My heart went out to him because, after our talk the other night, I knew how much it hurt him to talk about his parents. It was another thing we had in common._

"_Finally," Esme lifted her head and continued, "just after her thirty-seventh birthday, they got the news they had been waiting fifteen years to hear. Oddly enough, they had recently decided to stop trying." She let out a humorless laugh. "Maybe if they had stopped trying before, he would have come sooner. As it was, this little bundle of joy," Edward turned a bright shade of red as she pinched his cheek, "graced us with his presence that next summer. They were so ridiculously happy and then they brought me into that happiness when they asked me to be his godmother."_

_Her eyes turned serious again as she turned toward Edward. "Your mother came to me and placed you in my arms and said if anything should happen to them, she wanted me to raise you and teach you how to be a good man. She wanted me to care for you and love you the way she did and every day since they were taken from us, I have done my very best to do that. You know that, right?"_

_Her hand cupped his cheek and he covered her hand with his. Tears filled his eyes and he blinked furiously to keep them from falling. Again, I felt like an unwanted observer to their private moment._

"_I know, Ma, and I couldn't have asked for anyone better to take care of me. You've always had my best interests at heart and I know that everything you have ever done was because you love me."_

"_Good. I'm so glad to hear you say that." She smiled._

_Edward smirked. "That doesn't mean I don't still think kicking that cheerleader out of my room was cruel and evil."_

"_Please," she flicked her wrist to dismiss his comment. "You, my son, were destined for someone far greater than that hussy."_

_Edward and I burst into laughter and just like that, the heavy mood was broken. Once the three of us settled, Esme politely excused herself from the table. When she was out of earshot, Edward turned to me, embarrassment written all over his face._

"_I am so sorry about that," he apologized. "She gets like that sometimes and it's easier to just let her talk it out than try to interrupt her."_

"_You don't have to apologize. It's hard to lose your best friend. And you remind her so much of your parents. It's only natural for the nostalgia to break through sometimes."_

"_She tells me that a lot. _'You're so much like your mother,'_" he said in a surprisingly good imitation of Esme's voice. A confused look settled on his face. "How is it you know so much about me?"_

_With a shy smile, I shrugged. "I spend a lot time with Esme and you happen to be her favorite subject." I took a sip from my wine glass. "I mean, breakfast wouldn't be complete if I didn't hear your name at least ten times before I walked out the door. And I'm only there for half an hour."_

"_You can't be serious." The blush settled onto his face again._

"_Between her and Ben," I giggled, "I honestly think I know more about your past than I do my own."_

_He groaned, hiding his face behind his hands._

"_So," I sat up, leaning forward on the table, "now that she brought it up, what's the _real _story with the cheerleader?" I asked, unable to resist teasing him._

_He groaned and shook his head, his muffled words trapped behind his hands. Ever the confident man, Edward's sudden embarrassment had me dying to know what he was hiding._

"_Come on, Masen." I poked at his arm. "There's no way you're getting out of this now."_

_I laughed, reaching across the table to pull his hands from his face. He fought against me and I laughed again at the ridiculousness of the situation. His fingers spread and he peeked between them. I immediately latched on to one and pulled. He finally gave up and our hands crashed to the table together._

"_If it can make you blush that much, it's gotta be good." I shook his hand. "Tell me."_

"_Not on your life," he said stubbornly._

_With my fingers still twined with his, I twisted my hand and bent his fingers back. It was the first and simplest defense move Ben had taught me._

"_Ow. Fuck," he growled quietly and bent his arm to compensate. "You're not supposed to use my moves against me."_

"_Tell me and I'll let go," I bargained._

"_No."_

_I twisted a little more and he grimaced. Quickly, his other hand broke my hold and he pulled back, shaking the ache from his fingers._

"_I promise I won't tell anyone." I smiled sweetly._

_His eyebrow lifted and a small devilish grin appeared. "Neither will I."_

"_That's not…" My sentence died as I noticed the smile disappear from his face._

"_Unbelievable," he muttered. "Don't look now, Jess," his eyes were focused past me, "but I think we've been set up again."_

"_What?"_

_He nodded toward the front of the restaurant and I turned and leaned over to see around the bench. My heart rate spiked as I saw Esme disappear into the darkness beyond the window. Reaching back, I grabbed my purse and slid quickly from the booth._

"_I have to go." _

_Before I could take a single step Edward's hand clamped around my wrist._

"_No, wait."_

"_But she brought me." I tugged against his grip, panicked. "I have to catch her. I have to get home."_

"_I can take you home, Jess."_

"_No, you can't" I struggled harder._

"_Excuse me, is there a problem here?" a man I assumed to be the manager asked._

_Not wanting to attract any more attention than I already had, I stopped struggling immediately._

"_No, Sir. I'm sorry," I apologized and slid back into the booth._

_The manager's focus shifted to Edward. "Sir, I have been asked to inform you that the other woman you were dining with fell ill and went home. And Miss," he looked at me, "she also asked if the gentleman could escort you home."_

_My eyes shifted back and forth between the manager and Edward. I made a few attempts to speak but had no words._

"_Or I could arrange a taxi for you," he said, obviously sensing my nerves._

"_Jess, I can take you home," Edward repeated, his eyes pleading._

_I didn't want to hurt his feelings by running out on him. And we were having a good time. I could stay. Just this once._

"_Okay," I agreed. _

_Edward visibly relaxed and a part of me felt good for making him happy._

"_So how about dessert?" he asked._

"_Oh perfect," the manager said. "We have a decadent chocolate mousse that is to die for. I'll fetch your server and he'll take your order."_

_He hurried away and Edward laughed. I cocked an eyebrow in question._

"_He's fetching our server," he said in a haughty voice._

_I laughed and looked around to make sure he was gone. When I looked back, Edward's face had gone serious._

"_Sorry about Esme," he said, contrite. "I wish she…"_

"_Don't apologize." I stopped him. "You're a victim in this just as much as I am."_

_The wounded look on his face had me praying I could take the words back._

"_Victim?" I heard his sadness in that one word. "Right. Look, maybe this was a bad idea. I'll just take you home."_

"_No." I reached for his hand this time. "I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry."_

"_How did you mean it then," he asked, his disappointment barely masked, "because honestly, in or out of the gym, I like spending time with you. I don't see myself as a victim simply because Esme made it happen."_

_Thankfully, our waiter interrupted us then, giving me a little extra time to answer. I had to say something to make this better. Edward was a good man and I didn't want to hurt him. Thinking fast, I realized the truth was the only way to fix this._

_We placed our order and I took a deep breath before speaking._

"_It's not that I don't like you. I mean, who wouldn't. You're a great man. It's just," I squeezed the hand I still held. "I don't let people into my life, Edward. I haven't in a long time and Esme knows that. She knows and she still…"_

"_What about Ben?" he interrupted. "He told me about meeting you, so you can't tell me you don't let anyone in."_

"_Ben was different." My eyes dropped to our joined hands, watching as my fingers played nervously with his._

"_How?" he challenged._

_I smiled, remembering my time in Forks. "Ben didn't wait for an invitation. He kind of forced himself in."_

"_That sounds like Ben." He chuckled._

_Looking back up at him, I saw his tiny crooked smile grow wider._

"_He did the same thing to me." His face shifted to show his happiness again. "First day of pre-school."_

"_You remember back that far," I said, amazed._

_He snorted and rolled his eyes. "My mom and Esme never let us forget. It was one of their favorite stories."_

"_It's a wonder I haven't heard it yet," I remarked._

"_Honestly, they've always made more of it than it was." He laughed. "As you know, Forks is one of those 'everyone knows everyone' kinds of towns so the teacher knew of us before we got to class. Ben was the shy, quiet kid and I…wasn't. They thought putting us at the same table would settle me down."_

"_But it didn't," I guessed._

"_Nope." He grinned. "Ben stuck to me like glue all day and by the end of it, we were both running around the room like kids hopped up on too much sugar. For the next thirteen years, we were practically joined at the hip. Then he went to college, I joined the military, and this is where we ended up."_

"_Still joined." I smiled. "Even if it's only by phone."_

"_Exactly. When he wants it, Ben will find his way into your life and you're stuck with him forever." _

_We both laughed at that because that was exactly the way things were. Ben was a big part of my life and I shuddered to think of a day when that wasn't the case. _

_Finally letting go of my hand, he grabbed his spoon and dipped it into the dessert that had been placed in front of us while we were talking. His tongue poked out to taste the thick chocolate before he wrapped his lips around the whole spoonful. His eyes sparked as he pulled the empty spoon from his mouth quickly._

"_Oh God, Jess, you_ have_ to taste this," he gushed._

_I shook my head swallowing a bite of my strawberry cheesecake, savoring its creamy goodness._

"_I don't really like chocolate," I told him._

"_What?" He cocked an eyebrow and stopped eating. "You're kidding."_

"_I have to really be craving it to eat it."_

"_Seriously?" he asked incredulously._

"_Uh huh." I nodded. "Now don't laugh but the only chocolate I really like is chocolate milk and I only have that when I'm eating Cheerios or Rice Krispies."_

_Edward burst into laughter. "Tell me you're not serious."_

"_You're not supposed to laugh."_

_He tried to stop, his face turning red as he strained to keep his lips clamped shut. _

"_Edward," I whined and poked him with my fork._

"_Ow." He jerked his hand back. "I'm sorry," he said still fighting to control his laughter. "Really, Jess, I've never heard of anyone not liking chocolate. Then you not only tell me you don't, but then add in a crazy exception like that… I just couldn't help it."_

"_It's not crazy," I defended myself then proceeded to explain. "I don't like the taste of milk…"_

"_Milk too," he interrupted, laughing again._

"_Shut up." I giggled and poked at him again. "When I was a kid, I used to hate eating cereal because I not only hated the taste of milk but my mom would always buy the ones that had no flavor. One day she decided to kill two birds with one stone, so she mixed up some chocolate milk and poured it into my cereal."_

"_She was inventive." He sounded impressed._

"_She was crazy, but that was one idea that actually worked."_

"_One idea," he said incredulously. "You mean she did this before?"_

"_A lot." I chuckled, remembering some of her more 'inventive' recipes. "She always felt the need to change recipes to make them taste better. They rarely ever tasted the way she hoped, so we basically lived on pizza and fast food until I learned how to cook." _

_I took a deep breath. It was always so hard thinking about my mom. I missed her so much._

"_You're lucky you had Esme," I told him._

"_She is an amazing cook," he agreed._

"_That's not what I meant. Don't get me wrong, I mean, she's a great cook, but I was talking about everything else." He eyed me curiously. "If my mom were alive, I have a feeling she'd be just like Esme." I looked down to the table. "She wanted me to be happy and I think, if she knew you, she would have done the same thing._

"_I'm sorry about what I said before." I looked up to meet his eyes. "If things were different..."_

"_Don't, Jess. You don't have to explain." He smiled. "I know you've been through a lot and I'd like the chance to help you through that, but only if you let me. As for Esme, I know she likes to push, but she can't force you into something you're not ready for." He held out his hand for mine and I took it. "I do like you, Jess, but I know we can't be more than friends no matter what Esme says."_

_His hand was warm around mine and his tight grip was comforting._

"_Thank you, Edward."_

"_You don't need to thank me." He smirked. "What you need to do is finish that cheesecake so we can get out of here."_

"_You sure do talk a lot for someone who's still got that mess to eat." I waved a hand toward his chocolate mousse._

_In answer, Edward took a big spoonful and stuck it in his mouth. Moaning in pleasure, he pulled back the empty spoon and his bright smile warmed my heart._

"_Mmm, you just don't know what you're missing."_

"_Thank God for that." I laughed and dug into my dessert._

_An hour later, Edward pulled up in front of my townhome, turned off the engine and got out of the car. I was just reaching for the door handle when my door opened. I took his proffered hand with a smile._

"_Quite the gentleman, aren't you?"_

"_I try." He shrugged. "Besides, if I know Esme, she's watching through her curtains right now and if I do anything less than gentlemanly, we wouldn't even make it to your door before she came bursting out of hers."_

_I giggled. "She'd probably pull you by the ear, wouldn't she? Drag you inside, whip out the belt, maybe."_

_His boisterous laugh echoed through the empty street._

"_Something like that."_

_Edward slipped my arm through his and walked me to my door. He pulled the outside door open and stepped in front of it while I fished my keys out of my purse. They took a few seconds to find and I pulled them out of my purse once I had them in hand. _

"_Edward, I-"_

_The words died in my throat as the intensity in his eyes stole my breath. He brought a hand down to mine, joining them together as we had so many times tonight._

"_I'm so sorry, Jess," he said and my brow furrowed, wondering what he could possibly have to apologize for. "I know Esme forced you to be there tonight, but I'm glad you came."_

_It was his fifth apology of the night and the fourth time he'd told me he was glad I had come, and even though there were a couple tense moments between us, I was really glad too. _

"_I am, too," I told him honestly. "You really are a great guy and I do like spending time with you. When I'm not flat on my back, of course."_

_His eyebrows shot up a split second before the devilish grin settled on his face. An arm circled my waist and he pulled me a little closer._

"_Flat on your back? You know, we could…"_

_Realizing what I said, my cheeks blazed with the heat of my blush and my hand shot up to cover his mouth before he could finish his sentence. Embarrassed, my forehead fell to his chest._

"_That is _so_ not what I meant," I groaned._

_Chuckling, he let go of my hand and brought his other arm around my shoulders, pulling me flush against his body._

"_I know, but you can't blame a guy for trying, right?"_

_His laughter grew and I pushed back, slapping at his chest._

"_Ugh, you're so…"_

"_Cute?" He smirked, adding his own version of my unfinished statement._

_I glared at him._

"_Adorable?" He tried again._

"_Infuriating," I finished._

"_Not me." He tried to look innocent. "I'm totally adorable."_

"_You, Masen," I pushed a finger against his chest, "aren't quite as charming as you think you are."_

"_You just don't know me well enough yet." He chuckled again._

_I rolled my eyes, turning away and thrusting the key into the lock. After pushing the door open, I turned back to him. His gentle smile warmed my heart and I gasped at the small flutter in my stomach. I hadn't felt anything like that in a long, long time. I shouldn't be feeling it now, but I couldn't help it. There was just something about him, something that had me thinking about him more often than I should._

_Pushing the thought from my mind, I reached a hand out to him. "Thanks, Edward. I had fun tonight."_

_He slid his warm hand into mine and my fingers squeezed his._

"_It was absolutely my pleasure, Jess." He got a sudden nervous look on his face and dropped his eyes for a quick second before lifting them to mine again. "Look, I know we said we could only be friends, but I would really like to take you out sometime."_

_My pulse quickened and my heart beat hard against my ribs. He must have noticed because he rushed to speak._

"_Nothing fancy, I swear. Just burgers and fries if that's what you want."_

"_Edward, I…"_

"_Just think about it, okay." He lifted my hand and gently touched his lips to my knuckles. "Goodnight, Jess." With a small smile, he kissed my hand again and walked back to his car._

_Pain blossomed in my chest, growing stronger and stronger with each step he took. I wanted to stop him. I wanted to say something to make him turn around, to make him come back, but my entire body was frozen in place. Nothing worked; my body held captive by an unknown force that didn't let up until his car was out of sight. The second he was gone, I let out a shaky breath, my legs carrying me sluggishly through my open door. _

_Locked up for the night, I showered, changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed. For hours, sleep eluded me as thoughts and images of Edward swirled around in my head. The pain I'd felt when he left had lessened to a dull ache, but it was still there. Still torturing me with the possibility I didn't want to think about._

_I didn't want to like him. I didn't want to feel anything for him. But all our long days at the gym together and two pseudo-dates was enough to point out the obvious…what I wanted didn't matter._

_Edward mattered. He mattered more than he should. _

_A few tears slipped from my eyes. "Damn you, Esme." _

_I cursed her for pushing us together the way she had. I was happy the way things were. Working and training was enough, I didn't need more. I didn't need to have dinner with him. I didn't need to get to know him. I didn't need to know what he was like as a child or what his parents were like. I didn't need to know how hard he worked to get to where he was. And I certainly didn't need to know what an amazing man he was._

_But I did know. She forced me to know._

_And knowing was just going to make it worse when I had to leave. The day was coming. I knew it, but it wasn't today. And though I shouldn't, though it went against every instinct within me, there was one thing I wanted before I left all this behind._

_Rolling over, I ignored the glowing numbers telling me it was two forty-two in the morning and picked up my phone. I opened a new text screen and entered the number I'd never had a reason to use until now._

_**Have dinner with me. Tonight…7pm. If you're free, I'll cook.**_

_Smiling and finally able to relax, I released a heavy breath and set the phone back on the nightstand. Edward would see my message in the morning. Settling under the covers, I let my eyes close but before I sleep could take me, the sound of my phone startled me. Grabbing it quickly, I opened the new message._

_**Nothing could keep me away. Sweet dreams. I'll see you soon.**_

_His answer was unexpected. Not unexpected really. I mean, I knew he would answer. I just didn't expect it at nearly three o'clock in the morning. But it came, and I was happier than I should have been that he agreed. I stared and read and reread his response until the heaviness of my eyelids stole his words from me and I fell asleep._

* * *

**What do you do when you want for something you know you shouldn't? When you know allowing yourself the smallest taste is the worst thing you could ever do. Well, Bella is about to find out.**

**As always, big hugs and kisses to each and every one of you still on this ride with me. This isn't the easiest story to read but your support continues to mean the world to me. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	35. The First Date

**Disclaimer: The great Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**A huge thank you goes out to CherylSab, AgoodWITCH, and kmah88 not only for reading this story and making it all pretty for you, but for keeping me from jumping off the cliff this story forces me to stand on. I'd be a mess without you girls. I love you all so much. **

**Just a story note… Since Bella got herself thrown into solitary – again – I think five days is a long time to sit with absolutely nothing to do, so we're going to live in her head for a while. I just hope you enjoy what we find in there. For a little while, anyway.**

**Let's get to it, shall we? See you at the bottom.**

* * *

**Chapter 35 – The First Date**

_**February 15, 2009**_

It had been years since I'd made dinner for anyone other than myself, so I spent half the morning worrying about what to cook. I vacillated between simple meals like spaghetti or plain steak or chicken, each with a simple side, but none of it seemed good enough. After several crumpled pieces of paper landed on the floor, I got the idea to combine them all. Making a list of everything I would need, I grabbed my purse and rushed to my car.

It was Sunday so, of course, the parking lot was full when I pulled in. I hated shopping in the middle of the day. It was too easy to be seen, too easy to be recognized, but as this dinner was a spur of the moment decision, I didn't have a choice. With a deep breath, I settled my sunglasses on top of my head, kept my head down and walked into the grocery store.

Thankfully, no one paid any attention to me as I made my way through the aisles, picking out the ingredients I would need for tonight. Thirty minutes after walking in, I reached the checkout stand. It was the part I'd always hated, standing at the mercy of the cashier as they took their time ringing up my items.

I wanted to scream at the woman to hurry but that would have called too much attention to myself. Instead, I was forced to wait nervously as she slowly slid my items across the scanner while having a conversation with the woman in line behind me. When the last item was in the bag, I struggled with the desire to throw my money at her and run. Restraining myself, I grabbed my bags and hurried out of the store.

Finally at home, the bags hit the floor and I leaned against the door, catching my breath. Anxiety like this was the whole reason I shopped at night; there were less people to worry about. With a heavy breath, I pushed myself from the door, picked up my bags and walked them to the kitchen.

Two glasses of wine later and I was calm enough to start preparing for dinner. I turned on the radio and began chopping and dicing everything I needed. Once I finished, I looked at the clock and panicked. The day had gone by faster than I expected and I only had an hour to get ready before I had to put everything in the oven.

I showered and dressed quickly before struggling with my makeup. I didn't wear much on normal days but tonight seemed special somehow. This night meant something to me and even though he said we could keep things casual, I had a feeling this meant more than a normal dinner to Edward too.

A quick dusting of eye shadow, a little mascara and lip gloss, and I was back in the kitchen mixing sauces and putting the appetizers together. Within the hour, everything was ready and I was left pacing the floor waiting for Edward.

The minutes moved at a snail's pace as I wore a groove in the carpet. I checked my watch more often than necessary, making my anxiety spike. When the minute hand hit five after seven, I began to panic. I peeked out the curtains and saw nothing. No car. No Edward. Nothing.

"He's not coming." I fell into the armchair, my head in my hands. "How could you be so stupid, Bella? Of course he's not coming."

Pushing myself from the chair, I walked back into the kitchen and started covering all the food.

"It was a spur of the moment thing." I put the salad into the refrigerator. "He didn't really mean it."

I covered the mushrooms and was about to put them with the salad when the timer on the oven went off. I had set it to go off at ten after seven so I could braise it with the sauce, giving us time to talk and finish our appetizers before it was ready.

"Guess I don't need this anymore." I shoved the sauce next to the salad.

Just as I was about to do the same with the tray of mushrooms, a knock at the door made me jump. I lost my grip on the tray and it crashed to the floor.

My roar of frustration echoed through the room and I bent to pick up the tray.

"Jess." The knocking became harder. "Jess."

Edward's anxious voice carried through the door, bringing me back to the moment. I set the tray on the table and hurried to the door. The second it opened, Edward stepped in and grabbed my arm to pull me behind him as if he were shielding me from something.

"What's going on? What's wrong?"

He rushed the words out as his head whipped back and forth quickly, looking around the living room and up the stairs before he turned back to me. His worried eyes found mine as his fingers closed around my shoulders.

"Are you okay?" His hand cupped my cheek, his thumb brushing my cheekbone. "I heard a loud bang and then you yelled."

Edward's eyes scanned my face and made a quick pass over my body before settling on mine again. His concern was so endearing, I couldn't help but smile.

"I'm fine," I assured him and laid my hand over his. "Nothing's wrong. I just dropped something in the kitchen."

"You sure?"

I nodded and before I could take another breath, he pulled me to his chest and his arms circled tightly around my back. His chin rested on my head and I felt him take a deep breath, calming himself down.

"You scared the hell out of me," he whispered.

Without thinking, my arms slid around his waist. "Don't worry about me," I answered, my voice just as soft. "I'm fine."

In seconds, my head caught up with my actions and I pushed out of his grasp.

"Dinner's almost ready," I told him and hurried to the kitchen.

Edward followed me. "What was that noise, Jess?"

The worry in his voice was suddenly mixed with suspicion as if he didn't believe me.

"I told you I dropped something."

I motioned with one hand to the tray of mushrooms sitting on the table as I opened the refrigerator with the other. I pulled out the sauce, gave it a quick stir and opened the oven to braise the steak.

"This might end up a little more well-done than I planned but…"

"Sorry I was late," Edward interrupted. "I was…um… I lost track of time."

I turned to glare at him. "_You_lost track of time," I accused.

"Yes, and I'm sorry. Even more so if I ruined anything." He waved a hand toward the stove.

My eyes narrowed at him this time. I knew there was something he wasn't telling me but I let it go. The argument wasn't worth it. Instead, I moved to the table to uncover the mushrooms and make them presentable after their fall.

"Damn, those look good." Edward moved to my side.

I giggled. "You're drooling again, Edward."

"I can't help it," he said excitedly. "What are they?"

"Mushrooms." I teased, giggling again.

"Smartass." He elbowed me in the arm. "I mean, what kind? What's in them?"

"Chicken marsala stuffed mushrooms," I told him.

"Oh my…" He trailed off. "Can I have one?"

He reached out and I smacked his hand away.

"Hands off, Masen," I said seriously and his face dropped. "I actually made them for the guy across the street. He might be upset if I gave one away."

The corner of my lips twitched with the effort of holding in my laughter. Edward caught it and playfully shoved me aside.

"Out of the way, Little Girl." He laughed and grabbed a mushroom, stuffing the whole thing in his mouth.

His eyes closed as he moaned. He lifted a hand to cover his mouth. "Oh God, these are good," he said with his mouth still full.

I smiled. "Glad you like them."

"Like them?" He swallowed and dropped his hand. "I don't even think Esme's made anything this good before."

"Oh, I wouldn't go that far."

I grabbed one of my own and took a bite. While I didn't mirror Edward's enthusiasm, I had to admit they turned out really good.

"You know, if she ever tastes these, she's going to be begging for your recipe." He pushed another into his mouth, chewing and swallowing quickly. "She's made stuffed mushrooms before, but never like this. Where did you get your recipe?"

Was he serious? Was this military combat specialist seriously standing here discussing recipes with me? I had to stifle a laugh.

"A friend of mine used to make them all the time for parties," I told him.

There was a tinge of sadness in my voice as I thought of Emily and, of course, Edward caught it.

"I'm guessing this is the friend you told me about." He paused. "The one you don't see anymore."

"Yeah." I nodded. "We used to cook together all the time, so I know most of her recipes by heart. Some are pretty complex but since it's only me, I don't get the chance to make them anymore."

A huge grin settled on his face. "Well, anytime you feel the need to create masterpieces like this, you let me know. I will happily come and help you eat whatever you make."

"I'll keep that in mind."

A few more minutes of small talk and the timer went off on the stove. I stirred the pasta and pulled the steak from the oven, setting it aside for a few minutes to settle. Edward helped me set the table and then took his seat while I cut several strips of steak and plated our food.

"That smells amazing, Jess."

I smiled. "Thanks. I hope it tastes as good as it smells."

Grabbing our plates, I turned and froze, nearly losing my hold on both as a flashback of James sitting at the table stopped my heart. My mind was playing tricks on me at the worst time. Edward always saw too much and it was a constant fight to keep myself together around him.

Finding my control again, I took a breath and pasted a smile on my face. If he noticed my hesitation, it didn't show on his face. Edward's smile was all that waited for me as I set his plate on the table in front of him.

He took a deep breath. "Anything that smells this good couldn't possibly be bad."

He unfolded his napkin and placed it in his lap as I stepped to the refrigerator to pull out the salad and dressing. When I set them on the table, I tossed it quickly and filled his bowl. After filling my own, I pushed the salad bowl aside and sat down. Edward hadn't moved.

"Ranch or Italian?" I asked as I reached toward the salad dressing.

"You didn't have to go through all this trouble just for me, you know," he said sheepishly.

The softer side of Edward still caught me off guard at times because it was a side of him I never got a glimpse of at the gym. I found myself wanting to explore it more before he left for the night.

"It was really no trouble. Besides," I shrugged and grabbed the Italian dressing, "I wanted to do something special."

He grinned widely and reached out for the bottle in my hand. I smiled, noting that it was another one of those little things we seemed to have in common. As our fingers touched, he hesitated, his smile faltering slightly before he pulled the bottle from me. He focused on the task of pouring his dressing as he asked about the food.

"So, other than the best stuffed mushrooms in the world, what other culinary delights are we enjoying tonight?"

"Culinary delights?" I raised an eyebrow. "You know, flattery is not going to get you a second date, Masen."

Realizing what I said, I froze, my fingers clenching around my fork.

"I don't know. I'm pretty good at flattery." He winked at me.

My eyes narrowed at his teasing and I was able to reign in my panic. If Edward was willing to joke about it, then so could I.

"So not happening, Romeo," I teased back. "And to answer your question, I made roasted garlic angel hair pasta and steak with brandy & peppercorn sauce."

Edward's eyes dropped to his plate for a second before meeting mine again. He swallowed hard, forcing the food down his throat.

"Wow. You _really_ didn't have to do all that for me."

"I told you, I wanted to. But don't get too excited," I stabbed into my salad bowl with a smile, "you still haven't tasted it yet."

He rolled his eyes and swallowed another bite of his salad. "After those mushrooms, I'm not about to doubt your skills."

The food actually came out okay. The medium steaks I'd hoped to have turned out medium-well after the extra time in the oven, but they still tasted good. Edward praised me over and over again as he ate, making me laugh each time.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Conversation flowed easily throughout dinner. We talked a little about our time as children and our lives growing up. We each shared some of the harder stories of what life was like after we had lost our parents. We even fit some of our high school stories in there before I told him one of my favorite college memories with Emily and Sam.

They were memories I had never meant to share with anyone, but I felt so at ease with Edward that telling him things about myself and my life seemed easy. Just being with him was easy and for the first time in a long time, I was able to let everything go and just be me.

When I finally stood and cleared the table, Edward was right beside me, rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher while I split the leftovers into two containers – one for him and one for me. He rinsed the dishes I'd just cleared and placed them with the others before he filled the dispenser with soap and started the machine.

I slid in next to him to wash my hands but when I grabbed a towel to dry them, I noticed Edward's eyes were on the floor and his lips were moving as if he were talking to himself. I placed a gentle hand on his arm.

"Hey, are you okay?"

He looked at his watch and then met my eyes with that nervous look again.

"Um…it's still early. Do you maybe want to watch a movie or something?"

"Why do you do that?" I asked.

"Do what?"

"Edward," I raised an eyebrow in challenge, "I just don't get you."

His brow furrowed and he looked confused.

"You've fought in a war, and you've trained men to kill but with me, you're like a nervous teenager." The pink tint rose in his cheeks, making me grin. "What gives?"

"Nothing," was all he said.

"Don't get me wrong, I love this side of you, I'm just saying…"

"You love me." The corner of his lip quirked up and he cocked an eyebrow.

"What? No." He burst into a fit of laughter. "You're pushing your luck, Masen."

When he finally calmed down, he stood tall, his fully confident self again. "So, how about that movie?"

My eyes narrowed at him for a second before I relented. "You're lucky I like you, Masen."

"It's a start," he said as he grabbed my hand and pulled me to the living room.

Not even a second after he led me to sit on the couch did I remember one glaringly obvious problem.

"You're plan has a little hole in it, you know," I said as he took a step away from me.

"What's that?" he asked, walking further away from me.

"I don't own any movies."

He stopped and turned his gaze on me. "What kind of person doesn't own a single movie?"

"The kind who doesn't watch them," I shot back, a little offended by his comment.

"Are you seriously trying to tell me you don't watch movies?"

His eyebrow shot up again, the surprise plain on his face. I just rolled my eyes at his assumption.

"Of course I watch movies. Who doesn't?" I shrugged. "I just don't care for any of them enough to own them."

The lie shot out of my mouth so quick it surprised even me. I'd never had to explain my lack of personal items to anyone before. Then again, the only people to get close enough to me knew enough of my story to never need an explanation. Thankfully the excuse was plausible enough that Edward's face lost its questioning look and he smiled.

"Well, it's a good thing I'm not you."

His eyes sparkled as he turned and headed straight for the door along the wall that closed off the storage space under the stairs. I had only opened that door once since I'd moved in simply to see where it led. Seeing it was a storage area, I'd shut the door again, knowing it was something I'd never use.

As quickly as he went in, Edward walked back through the door with a small metal box in his hands. He set it on the coffee table in front of us and took a seat next to me on the couch.

"I keep this here for those rare occasions when this place isn't rented and I stay at Esme's a little too long and don't feel like driving home."

He took his keys out of his pocket and found the small key that unlocked the box in his hands. Curiosity had me leaning forward to see what was inside.

Half of the box was packed like a little travel case with everything he would need to get ready to face a new day. The other half held five DVD's and as I got a good look at the titles I had to laugh.

"Big John Hughes fan I take it."

"Guilty." He smirked. "But you have to admit the man wrote and directed some of the classics."

"I don't know." I looked back at the box and grabbed a movie. "When I think of classics, _Home Alone_ never made it into my top ten."

"Give me that." I laughed as he snatched the DVD from my hands. "If you're just going to make jokes…"

He moved to put the DVD back in the box but I grabbed his hand before he could. "I'm kidding." I giggled. "While _Home Alone_ doesn't make the list of classics, I do love this one. My dad and I used to watch it every Christmas. My mom never understood its appeal, so she would always go out and let us have our father/daughter time together."

A somber look crossed his face for a fraction of a second before he gave me a tiny grin.

"Well, it's not Christmas and I'm certainly not your dad…"

I felt his thumb brush across the top of my hand and a million butterflies took flight in my stomach.

"No, you're definitely not," I said breathlessly.

"We could watch this if it won't stir up too many bad memories."

"Somehow I don't think that'll happen."

With a grin, he pulled his hand from mine and walked to the TV to turn it on and start the movie. I watched as he walked over to the far end of the room and reached out for the light switch.

"Do you mind?" he asked.

I shook my head just before the lights went out. Edward came back to me and dropped onto the couch less than two feet away.

"Movies are always better in the dark."

"Yeah," I breathed.

The word had no volume. I couldn't breathe, let alone speak. He was so close. My fingers twitched with the urge to reach out and touch him. His hand. His arm. Anything.

_Stop it, Bella. You can't._

My mind screamed the warning and I clasped my hands together to keep myself from doing something stupid. Shifting discreetly in my seat, I hoped to put some distance between us, but I was too close to the end of the couch to move away.

I chanced a glance to my left just as the movie started and saw Edward with his eyes glued to the screen and a smile on his face. Seeing him so relaxed and happy was enough to ease the tension in my body and I sat back to watch.

We made it through the beginning of the movie with a few laughs going back and forth about the rudeness of Kevin's family. We were having fun quoting our favorite parts but when Edward's voice dropped and he began reciting the words to the movie Kevin was watching, I burst out laughing.

"What is it with you and accents?"

He looked at me innocently. "What?"

"You did it at the restaurant last night too." Even in the dark, his blush was noticeable. "Don't be embarrassed. I think it's cute."

"Cute?" He smirked. "You think I'm cute?" He poked my side, making me laugh. His eyebrow shot up. "Ticklish?"

"Don't you even dare." I slapped his hand away and pointed a finger at him. "Watch the movie, Masen."

"Yes ma'am." He grinned and settled back in his seat.

It didn't escape my notice that he was a little closer than before, sending a new round of tension running through me. We both focused on the screen but I couldn't say what was happening or how much of it had passed. My mind wasn't on the movie anymore.

"You make me nervous?" he blurted.

"What?" My head whipped toward him.

"Your question…earlier. It's you." He turned his gaze to mine. "You make me nervous."

"Why?" I asked in disbelief. "What about me could make you nervous?"

"Why did you automatically think I would have a date last night?" he asked, changing the subject.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Why?" He pushed for an answer.

"It stands to reason, doesn't it?" I answered reluctantly.

"What does?"

"Aren't guys like you usually taken?"

"Guys like me?"

"Seriously? You want me to spell it out for you?" He didn't answer so I continued. "Come on, Edward, I know for a fact that you've been told by countless girls how good looking you are. Hell, Esme talks all day about how gorgeous her son is. On top of that, you're smart, you're funny, you're a complete gentleman with the utmost respect for everyone you meet. And do you know how many girls would kill for a man who treats his mother the way you do Esme? Most won't say it, but a woman could only hope for a man who would treat her with the same love and devotion. You're the type of guy every woman wants."

"I'm really not." He sounded a little defeated. "I have one major flaw that you seem unable to see?"

I seriously doubted the man had any flaws. He was perfect and if things were different, if my life was truly my own, I would have given anything to have him.

"Please, enlighten me then."

I turned to face him, tucking my legs underneath me and waiting for his answer. Edward turned, mimicking my position.

"Please don't think me vain for saying that I've worked hard to make myself into all those things you just said, but that's not all there is to me." His fingers twisted nervously in his lap. "I'm a workaholic, Jess, and trust me when I say no woman wants that."

"No, you're not," I tried to argue but his raised eyebrow stopped me.

"You really haven't noticed?" He looked at me skeptically. "I'm at the gym by six and I don't l leave until ten, sometimes eleven. I step away one, maybe two nights a week to have dinner with Esme but other than that, I don't give myself time for anything else." He clenched and unclenched his hands. "I've tried dating but none of them ever stuck around very long. No woman wants a man who's never there for her.

"Then you showed up and settled yourself into my work, my life, in a way no woman has ever done before. Inside the gym, you've done everything you could to learn what's important to me and you make sure it's taken care of before I have to think about it. While it hasn't done anything to make me less obsessive, you've taken a huge weight off my shoulders. One I honestly didn't realize I was carrying until it was gone.

"But it's outside the gym where you've made the most impact."

Edward grabbed my hand and my heart clenched. I knew where this was leading and he had to stop. I needed him to stop but there was a small part of me, a small part of my heart, that felt something for him and forced my mouth to stay closed, not allowing me to interrupt.

"I know we've only spent a few nights together, but I've watched this whole new side of you come to life and it's only added to the amazing woman I get to see every single day. But more than that, you've opened up to me in a way that I'm almost positive you haven't done with anyone else. As guarded as you are, you've trusted me with your past, with the memories of your parents and your friends, and I don't take that honor lightly."

His fingers squeezed mine and his eyes held a tenderness I had never seen in another man in my life. The look sent my pulse racing and caused my heart to pound frantically in my chest.

"And you have to know that you've done the same for me too. You've given me the strength and courage to open up and share the memories I've spent more than half my life hiding from. And in doing that, you've seen me, the _real_ me, in a way no one ever has."

"Edward, don't…" The fear in my voice was clear as I ripped my hand from his and jumped from the couch, desperate to put some distance between us. "You said you understood. We can't be more. I can't… I can't…"

My breaths came faster and faster as my back hit the wall. This couldn't be happening. Not now. I wanted more time. I didn't want to leave him yet, but he was getting too close. Wrapping my arms around my chest, I shook my head trying to clear my thoughts.

"God, Jess, I'm sorry." Edward's voice broke through my panic. "I do understand and I never meant to bring this up. Please believe me. I would never do or say anything to hurt you. You've had enough of that in your life and it would kill me to cause you more. Jess, listen."

I had no words.

"Jess?" he tried again.

I couldn't answer, my mind already filling up with next possible place to run.

"Damn it!" Edward's hand slapped the couch, startling me as he pushed himself up angrily and began pacing the other side of the room. "Why can't I just keep my mouth shut? Why do I…? It's you." His pacing stopped and he turned to face me. My eyes widened at his accusation. "I always say too much around you.

"Ugh… I knew this would happen." He was pacing again. "I should have just stayed out there."

His words made no sense. Pushing off the wall, I moved to stand near the couch that separated us.

"What are you talking about? Stayed where?"

"Never mind. Forget I even said anything."

"Don't do that, Edward. Don't shut me out because you think I'll get hurt or mad or whatever."

My eyes followed him as he wore a path in the carpet.

"Edward."

No answer.

"Masen!" I shouted and he rounded on me.

"In my car, okay," he blurted. "I should have just stayed in my damn car."

He gave up pacing and dropped on the couch, his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped in front of him. A few minutes passed and the silence in the room became too much.

"Edward," I said softly, taking a seat at the other end of the couch.

"I couldn't sleep last night," he muttered. "And after your text, it was impossible. By the time the sun came up, I was at the gym. I spent half the day there working the bag and taking shots at the dummies. I was even half a step away from calling Jared to come down and spar with me. I didn't, though, because I didn't want to explain what had me so worked up.

"By the time I got home and ready, I wasn't thinking and jumped in the car without looking at the time. I was block away when I realized I was twenty minutes early. I didn't want to seem too eager so I pulled over to wait." He lifted one hand to rub the back of his neck. "I tried sitting there listening to music, but that just made it worse. I got out and paced the sidewalk, but that made me look like a lunatic. So I took a walk around the block. The next block over, of course, otherwise you could have seen me and then _you_ would have thought I was crazy."

I couldn't help the giggle that slipped out. "Is that why you were late?"

"Yeah." He nodded and I saw the corner of his lips curl up into a smile of his own. "I didn't realize I'd wasted so much time and when I saw it was after seven, I had to run back to my car. Then I had to waste more time calming myself back down again because not only was I still anxious, but I was out of breath too."

"I still don't understand," I interrupted. "In the month I've been here, I've never seen anything shake you. It's like you have this weird calm and nothing bothers you."

"Nothing but you," he mumbled.

"But…" I tried to argue but he continued.

"I wasn't kidding when I said you make me nervous." His fingers tumbled nervously together as he focused on the floor. "Please don't freak out or take this the wrong way because I really do understand that you just want us to be friends. I don't want to mess that up because I want that too. But I think you're really beautiful."

I gasped. There was no way I heard him right. Stunned, I stared wide-eyed at him as his hands continued to wrestle anxiously in front of him.

"And like you said about me, you're smart and funny. You keep me laughing all day. And you're strong. You don't take any shit from the guys and I know how hard that is to do." He chuckled quietly. "But it's not just your physical strength, which is impressive, by the way. You have this mental and emotional strength…"

"No I don't." I cut him off.

Edward finally turned to face me. "Jess, as much as you try to hide it, I know when you're having a bad day and I can see when something has rocked you to your core but instead of letting it out, instead of asking for help, you hold it all in. You keep things to yourself and deal with them quietly without giving anyone the chance to help you. Well, that's not exactly true." He dropped his eyes to the couch. "You call Ben."

"Edward, you see strength in me that's not there," I told him. "Ben's my sanity. _He's_ my strength. He's the one who brings me back from that ledge when I feel like I'm done, like I can't keep going."

"But he doesn't have to be the only one." His eyes captured mine and I knew what he was saying.

"Don't, Edward." I shook my head and stood from the couch again, turning my back on him.

"It's what friends do, Jess." I flinched when Edward's fingers closed around my arms. "They stand by each other. Help each other up when they fall."

My eyes closed and I took a shaky breath as his hands slid around my shoulders, drawing my body tight against his chest.

"Hold each other together when they're falling apart." His arms tightened and his voice softened to a whisper in my ear. "I want to be all of that for you. You just have to let me."

With shaking hands, I wrapped my fingers around his arms and held him close to me. For a second, I was lost in the fantasy of the life Edward was offering. But it only lasted a second before reality set in and I felt the pain in every word he spoke.

He wasn't offering me just his friendship. He was offering me himself. The words were unspoken, but what he wanted was clear. He wanted in. He wanted my past. He wanted my future. He wanted every part of me that I couldn't give him.

I cared about him. Really cared about him and I couldn't let him do it. He couldn't be that for me. I couldn't put his life in danger that way.

"No, Edward. You can't."

It took all the strength I had to pull his arms apart and step away from him.

"Why?"

I gave him the only version of the truth he needed to hear. "Because you're not the only one whose nerves get the better of them." Steeling myself, I turned to face him. "That banging you heard earlier was me freaking out over the idea of you not coming."

He smiled and I hated that I had to take that away.

"I'll admit I'm attracted to you, but I don't date, Edward. Ever. So it was a huge deal for me to invite you here tonight. I don't even know why I did it or why you accepted, but the thought of you not showing up, of you standing me up, well…it hurt me. I thought you forgot or decided not to come and…"

"You think I could just forget about you like that?" My stomach dropped to the floor as his smile faded. "Look, I know any friendship we have isn't on the same level as yours and Ben's, or even yours and Esme's, but I thought you knew me better than that. I'm not that guy, Jess. I said I would be here. Why would you think I would stand you up?"

"Because I'm no good at this!" I shouted. "When it comes to men, I haven't made one single good decision in my life. And you're no different."

"Then don't make any decisions," he jumped in. "We're friends. We don't have to be more. No pressure. No decisions to make. Just friends." Taking a step forward, he reached out a hand to me. I didn't stop myself from taking it. "And I know I'm not Ben, but please know I'm here if you need someone to talk to or someone to lean on, no matter what, okay?"

"Thank you."

I let go a sigh of relief and the brilliant smile that spread across his face broke the tension between us.

"Now, if you don't mind, can we rewind the movie? We already missed the best part."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, Masen."

Grabbing my hand in his, he settled us back on the couch to finish the movie.

* * *

**How could Bella have known the greatest love in her life would start off with a simple date? **

**I don't do this enough anymore but I have a couple of fics I know you'll love.**

**From by beta and best friend, AgoodWITCH comes one great story written from two sides. Each story could stand alone so you could read one or the other, but there is so much that goes on that the other doesn't show. Reading both gives you the whole beautiful picture. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.**

**First up – Everything I Needed… from Bella's POV**

**Summary: **Bella had been lucky to land the job as the nanny to Esme and Carlisle's two girls, but when Carlisle's younger brother arrives in New York in need of a fresh start and some help with his own brood, Bella's world is quickly turned upside down. It was just supposed to be a job, but they quickly became everything she needed.

**Second – Everything I Wanted… from Edward's POV**

**Summary: **A failed marriage & long divorce left Edward with a lot on his hands. Moving his kids closer to his family in New York was the fresh start he needed so that his family could thrive. Not knowing how he would juggle work and caring for his kids, he jumped at the chance to hire his brother's nanny to care for his own kids. But the moment Bella walked into his house everything changed.

**As always, big hugs and kisses to each and every one of you still on this ride with me. This isn't the easiest story to read but your support continues to mean the world to me. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	36. Forward and Back Again

**Disclaimer: The great Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**A huge thank you goes out to CherylSab, AgoodWITCH, and kmah88 not only for reading this story and making it all pretty for you, but for keeping me from jumping off the cliff this story forces me to stand on. I'd be a mess without you girls. I love you all so much. **

**We're still hanging out in the past with Edward. Enjoy. See you at the bottom.**

* * *

**Chapter 36 – Forward and Back Again**

**February 16, 2009**

Monday morning was a bit awkward for Edward and me. Without meaning to, we had crossed a line that should have never been crossed.

Our resolution to remain strictly friends was still in place but sometime during our movie the night before, I had fallen asleep and woken up in Edward's arms as he stroked my hair and hummed the sweetest song under his breath.

He'd said it was a song Esme used to sing to him when he was a kid and had horrible nightmares about his parents. I knew then that I must have been dreaming about James. According to Ben, on the few nights he'd slept at my apartment, those nightmares tended to cause violent reactions as I slept. Unfortunately, Edward had to witness it and had been trying to soothe me.

I shuddered to think of my actions or what he might have heard while I slept and, without thinking, I curled against his chest for comfort, asking for him to sing the song to me. His words were the barest of whispers as he sang, running his fingers through my hair again, soothing me back to sleep.

I had woken up this morning in bed, fully clothed, and under a heavy fleece blanket. When I had finally rolled over to check the time, my eyes landed on a piece of paper neatly folded on my nightstand. I paused a second before opening it to see Edward's neat handwriting.

_Jess,_

_I wish I could be the man to chase your demons away but until you trust in me, I'm glad you have Ben. After tonight, I believe you truly need him. I'll pray you have sweeter dreams._

_Goodnight,_

_Edward_

His note haunted me all morning as we worked around each other, barely speaking. I had to know what happened last night. What I did or what he heard to make him feel as if he needed to walk on egg shells around me. And, unfortunately, I wasn't the only one to notice.

"Hey, Jess?" Jared called my name as he knocked on the door frame.

"Yeah." I turned to see the somber look on his face.

"I need to talk to you." His fingers wrapped around the doorknob and he gave it the slightest push. "Do you mind?"

Hesitantly, I nodded my head and he closed the door. Turning back to me, he leaned against the door with his arms folded across his chest.

"Look, I don't know what went on between the two of you after we left here on Saturday, but whatever it is, it's got Edward pretty messed up. And since you haven't so much as glanced away from that computer in the past three hours, I think it's safe to say that you're not doing any better."

"Jared, nothing..."

He raised a hand to stop me. "I'm not asking for explanations or details. I just think the two of you need to talk." He pushed away from the door. "Quil and I are going out for lunch. We'll bring back a couple of cheeseburgers for you guys. Just, please, talk to him."

Without asking, he'd given me the one thing I had been wanting all morning. A chance to clear the air.

"Thanks, Jared." I smiled and he opened the door.

"See you in an hour," he said before he disappeared.

With a heavy breath, I stood on shaky legs and left my office to find Edward. He was standing at the edge of the mats, scrubbing down the dummies with disinfectant, getting them ready for the next class.

Taking a small step back behind the wall, I took a second to simply watch him, truly admiring him for the first time since I'd walked through the door a month ago. He really was beautiful. The strands of copper hair falling over his forehead as he worked. The tight fit of his muscle shirt showing off his toned upper body, leaving nothing to the imagination as his muscles flexed and strained with his actions. He truly was a sight to behold.

"Are you just going to stand there all day, or do you plan on helping?" His gruff voice startled me out of my hiding place.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize you saw me. I mean..."

He cut me off. "I see _everything_, Jess. It's what I was trained for."

"Sorry."

When I didn't move, he spoke again. "Are you going to help or not?"

The angry tone in his voice snapped me into action. "Sorry," I apologized again as I dipped behind the wall and grabbed my own cleaning supplies from the cabinet.

I joined him on the mats and got right to work without saying a word. We worked in silence for several minutes as I tried to gather the courage to ask the question that had been burning in me all morning. I went back and forth in my head, testing different phrases, trying to find the best way to ask, but nothing sounded right.

"So, I'm guessing you got the same little lecture I got."

Edward's voice startled me again, causing me to drop my towel. As I bent down to pick it up, I answered, "Seems like it."

The silence returned for another few seconds before I just blurted out the words.

"I'm sorry about last night. Whatever I said or did to make you uncomfortable, I wish I could take it back, but I can't. Not unless you tell me what it is."

He didn't speak as he moved to the next dummy and continued cleaning. Unable to deal with his silence, I threw my towel at him, hitting him in the shoulder. He didn't even flinch.

"Damn it, Edward! Don't shut me out!" I screamed.

"Did you know you cry in your sleep?" he asked without looking at me, his voice barely above a whisper.

"What?" I spoke as if all the air had been knocked out of me.

"Last night, I didn't realize you'd fallen asleep until you twitched really hard and surprised me." He continued wiping down the dummy, though his hand hardly moved. "I moved closer and shook you, hoping you'd wake up but you didn't. You started whimpering and mumbling quietly. It was only a word or two at first before I saw the tears. Then the whispering started."

My blood ran cold wondering what he heard.

"'Sorry' and 'please don't' over and over again and you said the name Jake..._a lot_."

He stopped cleaning and his hand curled into a hard fist, causing the veins to pop out on his arm. His breathing turned ragged and his eyes clenched shut.

"Did he hurt you?"

On the verge of hyperventilating, I couldn't speak, couldn't think, and before I registered his movement, Edward was in front of me.

"Tell me, please."

Edward's hand was hot against my cheek, tilting my head up, capturing my eyes with his. An immense sadness filled his eyes as he searched mine for an answer.

Placing a hand over his, I shook my head. "Jake's my brother."

With a look of relief, his eyes closed and he crushed me against his chest. My heart pounded so hard I was sure he felt it and when he kissed the top of my head, my arms circled his waist and I held on tight.

I lost track of time, not knowing how long we stood locked in our embrace before he finally took a step back.

"Come sit with me," he said expectantly.

I nodded and he grabbed my hand, leading me into his office. There were a couple of chairs in front of his desk and he guided me to sit in one as he took the other. Leaning forward, he hung his head just as he had the night before.

"Your past is your own, Jess, and I won't pry into that. But I know now that your pain runs far deeper than I..."

"Jake was in an accident," I blurted the truth, wanting to stop him from going any farther. "It was my fault and now he'll never walk again."

"You've never mention him before," he said, looking up at me.

My eyes dropped to the floor, avoiding his gaze. "It's a part of my life I don't like to talk about."

"Does Ben know?"

I nodded, sighed and lifted my head. "I told him once and I'm sure he said the same thing you're about to say."

"And that is?"

"That it's not my fault. That it was an accident. Something I couldn't stop or control."

"I wasn't going to say anything like that."

He reached into the mini-fridge beside him and handed me a bottle of water. I watched as he drained half the bottle.

"Are you planning on keeping me in suspense all day?"

He set the half-empty bottle on his desk and relaxed a little into his chair.

"Honestly, I'm not the best at giving advice. But I think if you truly believe something is your fault, maybe in some small way, it is." He held up a hand to stop me from interrupting. "I'm not accusing you in any way. It's just that we can't always control the things that happen to us, but we are responsible for our actions that bring about the situations we find ourselves in."

"So it is my fault," I agreed sadly. "All of it."

"I didn't say that."

"Not directly."

"Not at all," he argued.

"Maybe not," I conceded. "But what you did say actually makes a lot of sense. If I had done some things differently, made smarter decisions, Jake may have never gotten hurt."

I sat quietly for a moment, lost in the past and thinking about what ifs. It didn't take long, however, for another question to form in my head.

"If that was all you heard last night, why have you been so bothered today?" I looked pointedly at him.

"You may find this hard to believe, but I'm like you in a lot of ways. I don't let people into my life easily either."

"You're right," I said, smirking. "I don't believe it."

"Jess," his lips turned up in a small smile, "I have exactly three friends, who are more my brothers than anything, and I have Esme. Not quite the social butterfly you seem to be picturing."

I laughed. "Social butterfly? Really?"

He shrugged unapologetically and then continued. "Now there's you. I don't see you as family the way I do Ben, Jared or Quil. I care about you and just the thought of someone hurting you..." He trailed off.

"Edward..."

He went on as if I hadn't said a word. "Esme holding me and singing to me helped me through a lot of nightmares when I was a kid. Last night, I wanted to do the same for you. But when you curled up in my lap, clutching at my shirt as you drifted back to sleep, I was surprised by how much your pain hurt me and I was overwhelmed with this intense need to protect you from anything that could ever hurt you again.

"Then, when I carried you to bed and saw how peaceful you finally looked, I knew this friend thing was going to be impossible. My only shot was to avoid you at all costs. So that's what I've been doing. Keeping my distance."

By the time he was done, he was looking everywhere but at me. As I stared at him, all I could focus on was how much him 'keeping his distance' had hurt me in return.

"Don't." The word slipped out before I could stop it.

His eyes snapped to mine. "Don't what?"

"I can't offer you anything more than friendship, Edward. But I don't want you to keep your distance either," I admitted.

I swallowed hard, afraid of how my words sounded. I was sure my indecision would hurt him somehow, but I couldn't stop myself.

"Being around you..." I trailed off, nervous about telling him what I was feeling. "You make me happy...and sad. I feel safe and scared all at the same time. And I'm terrified to get close to you, but the thought of you staying away hurts more."

Edward reached out and took my hand. "What are you saying?"

"I don't know." I squeezed his fingers, drawing strength from him. "I don't know how to do more than this."

"Neither do I." He dropped to one knee in front of me and lifted his hand, brushing his fingertips across my cheek. "But we can figure it out."

Words failing me, all I could do was nod as a few tears fell and rolled down my cheeks. Edward wiped them away, leaving his hands in place and stroking my heated skin.

I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to be strong enough to just lean forward an inch and touch my lips to his, but I couldn't. It was too soon for any of that. If only the desire wasn't there. In his eyes and possibly in mine. If only the intensity between us didn't draw us together until I could feel his breath on my lips. If only...

"Hey, Ed! We got your cheeseburgers."

The moment was broken and Edward's eyes closed as his forehead rested against mine. He was breathing heavily as if what just passed between us stole every ounce of his strength.

"Thanks, J," he called to Jared then pulled back, fixing his eyes on me. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I answered breathlessly.

With his hands still in place, he drew me to him and pressed a lingering kiss to my forehead before standing. A hand touched my cheek, guiding my eyes to his.

"We'll talk later," he whispered and walked out to meet Jared.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

The afternoon passed as the morning had, only now, instead of awkward silences and angry or uncomfortable glares, there were shy glances and faint touches every time we were in the same room. Whispered words and private conversations replaced harsh and clipped words as we stole a few moments to talk.

As five o'clock neared, Edward stepped into my office to say goodbye.

"So, I'll see you back here at nine?" he asked, fidgeting a little.

I smiled. Nervous Edward was simply adorable. I shut down my computer and turned to him.

"I've been here every day for the past month, Masen. Tonight's no different."

He flashed a bright smile. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm not very good at this either, huh."

"Nothing changes, Edward. You're still my boss, my trainer, my landlord. The only difference would be us getting to know each other outside of here. It's what we agreed on, right."

"Yeah. I just... I don't know." He blew out a gust of air. "Never mind. You go home, eat and get some rest. I'll see you back here soon."

With another smile, Edward disappeared out the door. In a few quick steps, I had a hold of his wrist and he turned.

"Jared has the eight o'clock class tonight, right." I rushed the words out before I lost my nerve.

Edward nodded. "Yeah. He takes Monday night so I can finish up the weekend paperwork."

"I'll have dinner ready by eight-fifteen. Come by if you can."

He glanced over his shoulder to make sure we were alone, but I could hear Jared and Quil still wrapping up their class. He turned back to me, took a step closer and leaned down to kiss my cheek.

"I'll call if I can't make it."

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Knowing I had a hard night of training ahead of me, I tried to keep dinner light. Tonight's menu consisted of a simple spinach salad, lemon-pepper grilled chicken and half of a baked potato. Nothing too fancy tonight since we didn't have much time before we had to be back at the gym. Well, nothing fancy for dinner anyway. I did make him a special dessert that he could take with him for later.

Dinner was almost done when my phone rang at seven fifty-five. I knew it was Edward before I even looked at the screen. Disappointment filled me and I did my best to hide it as I answered.

"Hello." The cheerfulness I was trying for sounded a little flat.

"Hey, Jess." A tiny ache settled into my chest as I heard the same disappointment in his voice. "I really did try, but I'm not going to make it for dinner. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I mumbled. "Work comes first, right?"

"Unfortunately." Silence fell between us for a fraction of a second before his voice came through again with a little more excitement. "Hey, let me make it up to you. Tomorrow night. I've got Diaz coming in at five-thirty to work on some new techniques for his next fight, but we'll be done by seven. I'll pick up some take-out and we'll have dinner before we have to be back here at nine. What do you say?"

"Aren't you supposed to be there for the class at seven?"

"Quil can handle it," he said dismissively.

"Really?" His answer was so surprising I couldn't help but tease him. "Mr. 'I never leave the gym' is gonna give his class away to Quil? What is this world coming to?"

"What? I owe you dinner."

His words put a huge smile on my face, erasing my earlier disappointment completely.

"Well, if that's the reason," I teased, "I'll let you off the hook this time. But don't make a habit of this, Masen. I don't want you getting lazy on me."

"Lazy? I'll show you lazy." Hearing me groan, he laughed. "See you soon, Little Girl."

The phone went silent and I knew by the threatening tone in his voice that I was in for one hell of a night.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Training was brutal. Not even my frozen chocolate raspberry dessert was enough of a peace offering for Edward to take it easy on me. By the end of the night, I was lying prone in the middle of the ring, out of breath and sore from all the torture.

"You're all...sadists," I panted.

Three distinct laughs made their way to my ears and, if I was in any shape to move, I would have taken great pleasure in kicking their teeth out. Unfortunately, the fact that I seemed to be the one lying flat on my back every night showed the obvious flaw in my plan. I would just have to get back at them when they least expected it.

"Aww, come on, Jess," Jared said around a mouthful of Edward's chocolate dessert, "look at the bright side. You took Edward down twice. How many people can say that?"

"Fuck you...and...your silver...linings."

The three of them erupted into laughter and it took all the strength I had to lift my hand and flip them off. All that did was make them laugh harder while I started plotting my revenge in my head.

When they finally sobered, I felt the vibrations in the mat as someone walked toward me. I peeled one eye open and saw Edward towering over me.

"Need some help?" He held out his hand to me. With a groan, I reached up but before I could grab it, I saw his smirk. "Can't leave you down there all day, now can I? You might get lazy on me."

Instead of taking his offer, I slapped his hand away. "Oh, fuck you, too."

He chuckled again just before Quil pushed his way between us.

"Come on, Little Bit. Time to get up."

He was on one knee, offering his leg to brace myself on as I struggled to stand. When I finally had my feet under me, Jared was next to me, draping an arm over my shoulder.

"You're one hell of a fighter, Jess. To take some of those hits…damn," he shook his head. "I'd hate to meet the person stupid enough to come after you."

Jared laughed, I froze and Edward went rigid. His eyes narrowed again and his mind was, no doubt, processing Jared's words, adding them to the list of everything else he'd observed and learned about me over the past month. While I watched him, a hand firmly smacked my ass, bringing me out of my panicked thoughts.

"Jared," Edward warned.

"What?" He shrugged then turned his eyes back to me. "I'm just sayin' you'd kick their ass, Kid. I'm proud of you."

Tired and sore as I was, I stood a little taller in the face of Jared's compliment. He didn't hand them out often. In fact, when it came to training, he was as serious as they came. There was no playing around or joking. His approach was the same as Edward's – you lose focus, you get hurt. So, unless your technique and follow through were absolutely perfect, there wasn't a nice word to be said.

"Thanks, J."

"Now can we get outta here or what 'cause this girl needs to get home and make some more of this stuff." Jared changed back to his playful self as he pointed toward his empty bowl.

"Not even happening." I hip-checked him to push him away. "You're just lucky Edward shared, otherwise you wouldn't get shit."

Jared's face crumpled and his hand went over his heart in mock pain. "Ugh, Jess, that's just so mean. I thought we were friends. Quil, can you believe this?" he asked, though, before anyone could get a word out, he smirked and a devious gleam filled his eyes. "I guess Edward's the only one good enough to _taste _your dessert." He wagged his eyebrows at me.

"You assho-"

I launched myself at him but a strong arm wrapped around my waist, stopping me as a hand covered my mouth, cutting off my tirade.

"Don't," Edward whispered into my ear before raising his voice again. "I can't help it if the girl's got taste, J." His hand moved from my mouth to close around my shoulders, pulling me tight against his chest. "Maybe next time, we'll keep _dessert_ just between us."

His voice held a hint of indecency as the double meaning of his words rang clear. Good-hearted bantering was one thing, but this seriously pissed me off.

Using Edward's arms as leverage, I landed a hard kick to Jared's chest, sending him flying backwards into the ropes. Just as he hit, I planted my feet and flipped Edward over my back. The second his back crashed into the mat, I kicked him hard in the ribs.

Jumping back out of Edward's reach, I was in a ready position again, waiting for their retaliation. When it didn't come, Quil turned with a huge grin on his face and held up his hand for a high five.

"Nice moves, Little Bit." I smacked his hand and relaxed, knowing he'd have my back against the two of them. "Come on; let's leave these two to their wounded egos."

He laughed and opened up the ropes for me to step through. Before I jumped down to the floor, I leveled a glare at Jared and Edward who were staring up at me from their places on the mat.

"Next time you two want to take shots at each other, leave me out of it."

Without another word, Quil and I left.

The next day, after a round of apologies from both Edward and Jared, things were back to normal again. My anger over their ridiculous comments had faded and we went through the day as if nothing happened.

When I thought about it rationally, nothing really did happen. It was Jared being Jared, making rude comments and jokes that no one but him thought were funny. But with Edward and me trying to figure out this thing between us now, those comments hit a little too close to home. No matter how nice the idea sounded, I didn't want anyone thinking Edward and I were a couple because we weren't. And we never could be.

That night, Edward was true to his word and brought Chinese takeout for us to enjoy while we talked. Hesitantly, he asked about my relationship with Ben, wondering if there was more to our story than either of us were sharing. Ben had told him once about his feelings for me but I was quick to assure him there was nothing romantic going on between us. Sure, I loved Ben, just not the way he wanted. He was my best friend and that was all he'd ever be.

The night went smoothly after we'd gotten that detail out of the way and before we knew it, it was time to get back to the gym. We were working on several new offensive moves which always resulted in me lying on my back more often than I stayed standing. But I guessed that came with the territory when I was forced to attack the three men who knew every defensive move known to man.

I couldn't complain though because I was learning and I was getting better and stronger every day. If we kept it up, there would come a day when I wouldn't need Edward, Jared or Quil to protect me. I would be my own force to be reckoned with and I could finally stop running and stand on my own again. I could face James again without fear and tell him once and for all that we were over. I could tell him that I had the power to hurt him for once and, if it came down to it, I could prove it. Then I could finally go home. Back to Sam, Emily and Leah. Back to my brother. The thought of home brought tears to my eyes and, for once, they weren't happy ones.

From the second I left, I had dreamed of the day I could go home to my family again, only to have my heart broken time and time again because I knew it was impossible. Now that I was here, learning everything I needed to do just that, my heart broke all over again because going home meant leaving behind this new family I'd been brought into. It meant leaving Edward behind.

I shook the thoughts from my head as I crawled into bed. It did me no good to think that way. No matter what I wanted or what I was starting to feel for him, I would leave him. I had to leave him. There was no other choice.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Wednesday morning passed in a blur and before I knew it, Edward was in my office telling me it was time for lunch.

"Edward, you know I can't. I have to get these entries into the system by the end of the day."

It was my standard objection, but as he walked over and sifted through the paperwork on my desk, the frown on his face told me I wasn't getting away with it this time.

"Come on, Jess, I know it's not going to take you four hours to add eleven entries into the system." He turned my chair, forcing me to face him. "You've blown us off for weeks now, but not today. Let's go."

I stared at the hand he held out to me and shook my head. His hand dropped and he sighed.

"Jess, this is what we do and you're just as much a part of this place now as we are."

"Edward, I can't." I didn't have any other words to offer a better argument. He was just going to have to accept it.

"You told me the other day that nothing changes, right." I nodded, not knowing where he was going with this. "Then as your boss I'm telling you we're having a meeting and _everyone_ needs to be there."

"You're going to pull rank on me?"

"If I have to," he said harshly before deflating a little. "Look, you know I'd never really do that, but there are a few things we need to discuss, and it'll be easier to do if we're all there."

"You've never needed me before."

He rolled his eyes. "Jess, please just save what you're doing so we can go." He moved back to the door. "You have two minutes before I send Jared in here to carry you out."

His smirk had my hand itching to slap him but knowing he'd make good on his threat, I saved the entry I was working on, grabbed my purse and met them at the back door.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

The three of them laughed as I moaned shamelessly around the first bite of the best burger I'd ever tasted. Eyes closed, I chewed slowly, savoring the taste before swallowing.

"Told you they were good."

I heard the smile in Edward's voice and opened my eyes to see his grin running from ear to ear. I wanted to glare at him for not forcing me to come out with them before now but I was too involved in my heavenly experience to be angry. So, I simply moaned my response and took my next bite.

"Too bad, Ed," Jared shrugged as a wicked smirk settled on his face, "sounds like she finally found something good to put in her mouth. Ow, fuckers," he growled when Edward and I both kicked his shins under the table. "Can't you take a fucking joke?"

"Jokes like that are what put that bruise on your chest," I said, reminding him of the kick I gave him a couple nights earlier.

"She's got you there, J," Quil jumped in, laughing. "Maybe you should stop before she kicks your ass."

"Please," he huffed. "As if she could."

"Do I need to prove it to you?"

"I dare you."

"You dare me?" I said through clenched teeth as my back stiffened at his challenge. "Fine. Tonight, your ass is-"

"Alright, Killer." Edward's hand came down on my thigh and he squeezed, instantly cutting off all my words. "No need to hurt the help."

Quil laughed at Edward's joke and Jared returned his kick under the table. I couldn't do anything. Nothing. Not while his hand wrapped itself around my leg. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't care. Edward had his hands on me all the time while we were training, but this was different. This was casual – with no real purpose – and as he leaned back against the booth, he didn't seem to have any intentions of removing it.

My pounding heart was beating a mile a minute and I was sure if they stopped talking for more than five seconds, they would have heard it. I tried to calm down but it was impossible because every few seconds, Edward's fingers would tighten or his thumb would brush back and forth across my thigh.

It was unsettling. Not because of the warmth of his hand resting on my leg, or the dig of his fingers when he laughed too hard, or the soft caress as he sat with a quiet smile on his face. It was the heat that sent tingles through my entire body, the strength of his grip that made my heart race and the gentle stroke of his fingers that launched a million butterflies in my stomach.

It wasn't the shouting in my head telling him to stop or the rational part of me that said we weren't a couple and casual touches like that shouldn't be allowed. It was the overpowering desire in my heart that begged him to never let go. It was the careless side of me that knew his touch felt too good to not want it forever. And it was that same careless side that forced my own hand to reach under the table, turn his and link our fingers together.

He gave a little jolt and stumbled over his words before a smile settled on his face and his fingers tightened around mine.

"I know what you're doing under that table, Ed," Jared interrupted our moment, "and you can stop anytime."

Edward turned to me and his smile grew impossibly wider. The sparkle in his eyes caused my heart to race even faster and I couldn't hold back my own smile.

"Nah, I'm good." He winked at me.

A flush spread across my cheeks. "Yeah, we're good," I mumbled then turned back to Jared. "So shut the fuck up."

"Watch your mouth, Young Lady." He gave me a stern look, but I could see the humor in his eyes.

"Kiss my ass, J."

"Bend over, baby." Jared lost the hold on his laughter. "Mother fuckers," he yelled after Edward and I kicked him again.

"So," Quil spoke up, "are you two like…a thing now?"

"Um…" I hesitated, not knowing exactly what to say. "We... It's…"

"New." Edward finished for me and squeezed my hand again. "And a little…" It was his turn to hesitate, "I don't know…"

"I think it's great," Quil cut him off, smiling as his eyes shifted back and forth between us.

"I think you'll be good for each other," Jared surprisingly echoed Quil's thoughts.

I shifted in my seat, uncomfortable with the sudden silence settling between us. Edward noticed and immediately spoke up.

"Okay, let's get down to business."

"What's up, Boss?" Jared asked seriously.

"I've been thinking and I've decided to change Jessica's job description."

"What?" His words caught me by surprise.

"You're good, Jess. Really good. And I'm sure they'll agree," he nodded to Jared and Quil, "that it's time to change your title from simply office assistant to office assistant slash trainer. Monday morning, I want you to take over the beginning kickboxing class."

"Hell yeah," Jared bellowed. "That class has your name written all over it."

"No, Edward, I can't."

"Yes!" Quil jumped in, completely ignoring my protest. "That would be perfect for you."

"No." I shook my head

"Come on," Quil continued. "You sailed through that class faster than anyone I've ever worked with. Same with intermediate. In fact, you picked it all up so fast, we could have easily started you off with advance and you would have been fine."

"But I can't teach. I…" I tried to argue but Jared cut me off.

"Bullshit. You're a damn good fighter and you're just as qualified as the rest of us to teach that class."

"No," I said again. "I can't get up in front of all those people like I know what I'm doing. I can't teach what I don't know."

"Jess, you can do this," Edward finally said. "We all have confidence in you and I wouldn't have offered if I didn't think you could do it."

I panicked. There was no way I could stand in front of that many people. Taking the class was one thing; I could hide in the back or behind the dummies and not be seen. Teaching was different. Everyone would be staring at me. They'd all know who I was. No, I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay anonymous that way.

I shook my head, ready to protest again but Edward's hand on my cheek stopped me. A turn of my head had me staring into his vibrant green eyes.

"I believe in you, Jess. I know you can do this, but I want you to be ready for it. Take some time to think about it and if you're willing, we'll make it happen."

Sincerity was clearly written across his face and I wanted, more than anything, to give him what he was asking for. But I couldn't.

With a sigh and a forced smile, I gave him the answer he wanted to hear. "Okay. I'll think about it."

"Great."

His smile made me feel horrible. I hated myself for lying to him but no matter what either of us said, my answer would always be no.

"Now hurry up and eat so we can get back." He winked at me again, causing me to smile as I dug back into my burger.

By twelve-forty, the check was paid and we were ready to head back to the gym. I slid out of the booth, pulled my sunglasses down and lifted my hood to cover myself up again. Edward slid out next to me and pulled on his own coat just before he reached down to grab my hand. My head snapped in his direction and he just shrugged.

"What?" he whispered. "They know we're…"

"We're what, Edward? We're not…" I looked around us to make sure no one was listening. "We're not together like that."

"Not yet." He grinned.

"I told you, I can't."

I pulled my hand from his and turned toward the door. He caught me by the wrist before I could take a step.

"But you just said…"

"God, why are you pushing this?" I choked out. "Why can't you just accept that I…?"

"That you what? That you're giving up before you even give us a chance," he growled then lowered his voice to a whisper, remembering where we were. "You said we would try. Saying no every time something gets uncomfortable isn't trying, Jess."

"That's not… I'm not…" Again, I had no words to explain.

"You say you want this and then say you don't. You say we'll work it out and then you tell me you can't. Just tell me what to do," he pleaded with me. "Tell me the rules you want us to live by because I can't keep guessing. I don't want to get it wrong."

My heart broke. I knew I'd been throwing mixed signals at him. I didn't blame him for being confused. I hated myself for treating him that way, but I was just as confused as he was and I didn't know how to handle it.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I can't do this with you right now."

I pulled my arm from his grasp and rushed to the door. Before I could push it open, my blood turned to ice and my entire body froze as I saw the black SUV pull into the parking lot. Tears burned my eyes, my hands began to shake and I couldn't breathe.

James was here. He finally found me.

"Not now."

My body jerked.

"Please, not now."

I felt a hard jolt and my head snapped back as two heavy hands gripped my arms.

"Don't touch me!" I yelled and fought to get free.

"Jess!" Edward's voice pushed past the pounding in my head. "Jess, what's wrong?"

Focusing through the tears, I looked up to see Edward's worried eyes.

"I have to go." I struggled again.

"No. What's wrong?" I wrenched one arm free. "Talk to me."

"Oh God, I have to go."

My head shook and, without thinking, I swept his feet out from under him. The second he let go of my arm, I ran.

Not knowing anything about the place, I headed for the kitchen. I'd worked in restaurants before and the kitchen always had an exit. I could get away and he'd never know I was here.

It was a small place so the kitchen wasn't very big and I found the door right away. As quick as I could, I made my way through the grills and shelves and hit the door running. I was halfway across the back parking lot when I heard the door crash into the wall behind me.

"Bella, stop!" Edward yelled a half a second before a tug to the back of my shirt yanked me back into his hard chest. His arms clamped around my shoulders and chest immediately and he held on tight. "Don't," he choked out. "Please don't run."

The worry and sorrow in his voice tore through me. I reached up, gripping his arms, holding him as tight as he held me.

"I just…" Terror filled me and I could barely speak.

"Please talk to me," he begged in a whisper. "Let me help. Whatever it is, please, let me help."

My arms tightened on his, savoring the last few minutes I was going to have with him.

"Anxiety…attack," I panted, still trying to catch my breath.

"Don't do that." He let go and spun me to face him. "Don't lie to me."

I shook my head in disagreement. "It happens…sometimes."

"You're shaking. That's not anxiety. That's fear." His hands held my face. "Tell me what you're afraid of."

"I'm not afraid," I lied, praying desperately for him to believe me. Taking in a deep breath, I continued. "The attacks hit me. They have since… since my parents died."

My eyes clenched shut for a second before I focused back on him again. Reaching up, I pulled his hands from my face.

"I don't know why," I took another breath, "or how to stop them. I just need air. I just need to breathe."

"I don't…"

"I'm fine," I said, cutting him off. "I promise you. I'm fine."

"You're not…"

"Edward, don't." I cut him off again. "I said I'm fine. If you can't believe me then I don't…"

"I believe you. You just scared me, Jess. I mean, one minute you were fine and the next you were shaking so hard I could see it, you were hyperventilating and you'd gone completely pale." He shook his head. "It was almost like you saw a ghost."

_Oh Edward, if you only knew._

"I don't believe in ghosts," I told him, knowing there were far worse things in this world to be afraid of. Taking a step back, I looked at my watch. "It's almost one. You guys have to get back."

"You guys?" he questioned. "I hope you don't think I'm leaving you here."

"Please, Edward. I just need to clear my head."

He closed the space between us, his hands instantly on my waist. "I'm worried about you."

His fingers clenched as he drew me into his warm embrace and my arms slid up and around his neck. I knew I shouldn't. It wasn't right to give him hope, but I couldn't stop myself. If this was going to be our last day together, I wanted to hold him one time as if we never had to let go.

"Don't be," I whispered as my fingers caressed the back of his neck. "I'm fine." Pulling back slightly, I let a hand slide to his cheek as I gazed into his eyes. "I'll meet you back at the gym."

His eyes narrowed again as they always did when he sensed I wasn't telling the whole truth. His hand mirrored mine, resting on my cheek.

"You'll be okay?"

"I promise."

Before I could stop myself, I leaned in and kissed him, soft at first but it wasn't enough. Edward obviously felt the same and deepened our kiss just as his hand moved to my back and pulled me flush against his body. My fingers tightened in his hair but before we could go any further, the shouting started, breaking us apart.

"They're back here," Quil's voice echoed through our space.

"Fucking figures." They snickered before Jared yelled, "Come on, lovebirds, we're gonna be late."

Edward pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. I giggled a little as he growled before answering.

"Jared, go wait by the fucking car."

Jared and Quil laughed like five year olds as they took off running, making me laugh with them. Edward pulled back to look at me.

"I'm sorry," he said as his thumb stroked my cheek.

"There's nothing to be sorry for."

His brow furrowed. "I don't want to leave you here."

"It's not that far," I assured him. "The walk will be good for me."

"You sure?"

"Yes." I pushed onto my toes and brushed my lips against his one more time. "I'll see you soon," I whispered, trying to keep the pain of my breaking heart out of my voice.

With another small kiss of his own, Edward turned and disappeared around the corner of the building. The second he was out of sight, I ran.

I ran for my life, determined to get as far away from the people I'd come to care about before they realized the trouble I'd brought into their lives. No one was safe around me and if James was here, I couldn't be.

Thirty minutes later, I was sitting behind the wheel of my car – the one I kept hidden – in tears. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to be alone again. Not when I'd finally found a family. Not when I'd finally found someone I really cared about, someone who really meant something to me. But as it always was, the instant I had found some semblance of a life again, James' evil swooped in to steal it all away from me.

After allowing several minutes to feel sorry for myself, I grabbed a tissue from my purse and wiped my tears. Tilting the rearview mirror, my eyes narrowed at the girl looking back at me.

"Stop crying," I scolded the reflection. "_You_ chose this, now live with it."

Righting the mirror again, I reached down to put the car in reverse and jumped when my phone rang.

"Fuck," I screamed, realizing I'd forgotten to get rid of the damn thing.

Pulling it from my purse, I saw Edward's number on the screen and tears spilled down my cheeks again. The ringing stopped and my screen flashed an alert for the ten text messages I'd missed – all from Edward. He was worried. He had every right to be. The walk should have taken fifteen minutes at most; I should have been back by now.

The second call came in a minute after the first and my fingers tightened around the phone, holding it to my chest. I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't let him hope for something that wasn't going to happen. I had to cut all ties and let him go.

My hands shook as I reached for the button to roll down the window. Throwing the phone out here was as good a place as any, but it rang again before I could. Startled, the phone slipped from my hand and fell to the floor. Picking it up, I could hear his frantic voice calling my name. His desperation broke me all over again and I covered my mouth, praying he couldn't hear me cry.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I whispered and threw the phone out the window.

I didn't even wait to see where it landed before I pulled out of my parking spot and drove away. Tears blurred my vision and the vice grip around my heart tightened the longer I drove. Running was what I did and not once since walking out of Jake's hospital room did it hurt so much.

I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave them behind. I didn't want to leave _him_ behind. As much as I tried to fight it, Edward worked his way into my heart and, for the first time, running felt wrong.

A sharp pain punched me in the chest and I couldn't breathe. Tears fell so heavily I could barely see and I had to pull over before I caused an accident. Thankfully parked on a one-way street with the curb on my side, I opened the door and fell from the car, lying down in the patch of grass next to it. Both hands fisted my hair as I gasped for air, hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably.

_Don't go. _A small voice whispered over and over in the back of my mind.

"Hey."

I jumped at the sound of the voice and scrambled backwards as fast as I could to get away. My back hit the car and I couldn't move. Through my tears, I saw a teenager crouching in front of me.

"You okay, Lady?"

I shrunk back from the hand he tried to place on my shoulder and he pulled back like I'd burned him. His eyebrows scrunched together and I could see the concern on his face.

"I'm calling 911." He pulled a phone from his pocket.

"No!" I forced the word out. "I'm fine. Panic attack."

I gave him the same excuse I'd given Edward. The shake of his head told me he didn't believe it any more than Edward did.

"Didn't look like no panic attack I ever seen."

Even in my sorrow, his poor excuse for grammar skills made me smile. "Seen a lot of them, have you?"

He shrugged. "No, but still…" His sentence trail off. "You gonna be okay?"

I nodded, wiped my tears on my sleeve and tried to get up. He stood and held out a hand to me. I flinched but reached out to accept his help.

"Thanks."

He nodded and held out his hands as if to steady me before I fell back against the car.

"Hey, you don't look so good."

Wrapping my arms around my aching chest, I repeated my answer. "I'm fine."

"You sure? The cops are right around the corner."

"What?" I asked in disbelief.

"They'd be here in like…a second," he continued, not noticing my shock.

I looked around and sure enough, I was only three blocks from my townhome. Three blocks from home also meant I was a block and a half away from the gym. How did I get here? I was sure I was on my way out of town.

"Hey." The kid nudged my arm, getting my attention again.

"I'm sorry." I shook my head to clear it. "I was just on my way home, but I think I should walk from here."

"Good idea," he agreed. "I'll take you. You know, to make sure you make it."

"No, I'll be okay." I smiled again at his kindness but then raised an eyebrow in challenge. "You should get back, though. Your teachers are probably wondering where you are," the teacher in me chided him.

"Nah, I'm…" his hand covered his stomach, "sick."

"Uh huh." I smirked then pointed a finger at him. "You better hurry home then."

"Alright, I'm out." The kid grinned and took off down the sidewalk towards my house.

When he disappeared around the corner, I slid down the side of the car and hugged my knees to my chest. The whole scene – the car, the tears, the pain I could still feel in my chest and the fact that I ended up here, a block from Edward's gym – was disconcerting. But dealing with that kid gave me a minute to clear my head and think.

To really think. And it hit me.

There was no way that could have been James at the restaurant. If he _had_ tracked me here, he would have known everything there was to know about Edward by now. And Jared. And Quil.

He would have seen the two of them outside. He would have seen them come looking for us and he would have definitely followed me once I ran off on my own. He would have never given me the chance to get to a car, let alone drive away. James would have picked me up in the middle of the road, kicking and screaming, before he ever let me get away. He wasn't really there. He couldn't have been.

But when I saw that truck…

And now Edward knows…

And… And I kissed him.

Oh God, I kissed him. And he kissed me. And it felt good to be in his arms. To pretend for one minute that it was possible. That we could be together and have a future.

"No, Bella. You can't do that to him." I pushed myself up from the ground and started pacing.

Edward wanted to be there for me. He'd said so many times that he wanted to help me. But what if James didcome back? What then? Edward could take care of himself, right? Edward could fight. Edward was deadly. James couldn't stand against him. No one could. Edward could protect me. He could keep me safe. He could love me. We could have a future.

"No, this is wrong. I can't stay."

My pacing stopped and I leaned against the car with my head in my hands. My heart was pounding so hard it hurt. I knew what I had to do, but I didn't want to do it. I wanted to stay with Edward. I wanted to be with him and try, for once, to be happy.

And as wrong as I knew it was, I knew where I needed to go from here. Locking up the car, I stepped to the trunk, pulled a bottle of water from the stocked cooler and took a drink before spilling some into my hand to splash on my face. Feeling a little better, I closed everything up, pressed the button to set the alarm and began the walk back to the gym.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

Edward was in hysterics when I had walked through the door, locking us in his office for over an hour, drilling me for answers about where I'd been. But mostly he just held me in his arms, comforting us both and thanking God and everyone else that I was safe and back with him again.

I never did tell him the truth and by the narrowed eyes, he knew every word out of my mouth was a lie, but he never called me on it. He chose to stay ignorant of the fact that I almost left him, though in some way, I was sure he knew. And he must have said something to Jared and Quil because the three of them watched me like a hawk for the rest of the day.

When five o'clock came around and I had said my goodbyes, Edward told me that Esme had called him about having dinner with her. He wasn't going to be able to make it, but he told me I should go so she wasn't forced to eat alone. It was a weak lie, at best, and I saw right through him immediately.

I wanted to yell at him and remind him that if Esme wanted me to have dinner with her then she would have called me, but then I remembered my phone was probably in pieces on the side of the road. Irritated, I growled a little and pushed past him to get to my car, which was, thankfully, still parked in back of the building.

As always, dinner had been amazing and though she asked several times, I refused to tell her what had happened that afternoon. I knew Edward would have called her while he was searching for me, but I figured, knowing as much as she did, she would have understood and I wouldn't need to explain. I had a sinking feeling that Edward put her up to it so he could get his answers, but I never dreamed he would ever stoop so low to have his mother do his dirty work for him.

Frustrated beyond belief and dead tired, I walked back into the gym to start my training session for the night. Jared was on me in a second, nipping at my heels like a puppy all the way back to the ring.

"So, how was dinner? Edward said you were…"

"Who gives a shit about dinner? Let's just get this over with."

I kicked off my shoes and climbed in the ring and Jared followed.

"What the fuck crawled up your ass?"

"Arms up, J, before I take your fucking head off."

He gave me a wicked grin. "Bring it, Little Girl," he said just as he threw the first punch.

Two hours later, Jared and Quil were heading out the back door while I was left picking myself up off the mat again. We worked hard today and I was sore as hell but it was inevitable. Pain came with the territory and if I wanted to take on James, I needed every bit of training I could get.

"Do you ever plan on telling me the truth?" The anger in Edward's voice cut through me.

With my back to him, I steadied myself on the ropes before I answered, "What do you want to know?" I fought hard to keep all emotion out of my voice.

"Drop the innocent act," he growled. "What _was _that today?"

"I already told you, I had…"

"A panic attack…right," he said, finishing my sentence for me. "Only we both know that's total bullshit." I flinched as he spit out the last word. "I know the difference between panic and fear, Jess, and there was pure terror in your eyes." Edward grabbed my arm and turned me to face him. "What are you so afraid of?"

"Nothing." I pushed him back and ducked to step through the ropes.

"I don't believe you."

"What else is new?"

I jumped to the floor and he quickly followed after me.

"Jess, stop."

"What?" I rounded on him. "What more do you want? I told you, I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of anything. You either believe me or you don't, it's your choice."

"It's not that easy and you know it." He threw up his hands in exasperation. "Do you have any idea how hard this is? For me? To want to help you and protect you when I have no idea what I would be protecting you from?"

"I don't need your help, Edward, or your protection."

"I would believe you if I didn't stand here day after day and watch you kill yourself in this ring. I mean, look at your eye for Christ's sake. Do you think anyone would put themselves through the kind of punishment you have if there wasn't a good reason?

"The woman I see in front of me now is not the same one you tell me about when you share your past with me. I don't know what you've been through, but you're different." He blew out a heavy breath. "When you talk about yourself and your friends, you have a kindness in you that you don't have now."

"You're saying I'm not a nice person?" His comment hurt me.

"No!" he said defensively. "You are, Jess. It's just sometimes, when you're training, it's like there's a whole other person in front of me. Something else takes over and you're not you anymore and I've seen enough to know this is more than self-defense. You're using me and this place to run from something but if you just let me in, you wouldn't have to run anymore."

"You think I'm using you!"

Edward's head snapped to the side and my hand stung from slapping him.

"Fuck you!" I screamed and turned toward the door.

Before I could take two steps, his hand clamped around my wrist and spun me toward him.

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Really." I yanked my arm away from him. "Please, Edward, tell me how I could possibly misinterpret the words_ 'you're using me'_?"

"This doesn't feel permanent, Jess." His answer confused me. "You came to me to train and I get that, but I think that's all there is. One day you're going to walk out of here thinking you've learned enough and you'll be gone. When that day comes, I know I'll never see you again and I don't want that." He stepped toward me and I took step back, keeping distance between us. "I'm selfish enough to admit that I'd rather have you here…with me, where I can keep an eye on you. In a place I can keep you safe."

"There's nothing to keep me safe from," I argued weakly.

"Stop lying to me." His voice cracked a little. "I see the panic in your eyes sometimes. I've heard you try to cover your slips when you realize you've said something you shouldn't. Why can't you just tell me the truth and let me help you? We could face whatever this is together."

"There's nothing to face," I told him again in desperation, hoping he'd listen and let me go.

"Then why are you fighting so hard?"

"Because I have to," I yelled.

Turning my back on him, I rushed as fast as my hurt body would carry me to the corner where I had thrown my purse. When I spun toward the door, Edward was there blocking my escape.

"Why damn it? What are you not telling me?" he asked bluntly.

"Nothing." I tried to get past him and failed.

"How can you say that? Do you think I haven't been watching? You've been here a month, Jess, and you never leave your office except to take your classes or drive home. You never leave your apartment except to have dinner with Esme or come here to train."

"How do you know what I do when I'm not here?" I shouted.

My mind flashed back to James and the lengths he'd gone through to watch every move I ever made.

"Do you have someone watching me? No, you're probably spying on me yourself?" With both hands, I pushed hard against his chest. "Are there cameras hidden in my apartment, Edward?" I pushed again. "Do you follow me around town?" Another push. "Or did you somehow stoop low enough to put trace on my phone so you could sit back and let your computer do all the work?"

"How c-"

His sentence died the instant his back hit the floor, forcing the air from his body. I didn't hesitate to land a series of punches to his head and chest. Before he could recover, I ran from the building, jumped into my car and sped away.

In seconds, I slammed on the brakes and jumped out, throwing open the trunk of my other car to grab the emergency bag that held my spare cell phone. There was a call I needed to make and since I had tossed my old phone, I needed this one.

Another minute later, I parked my car and ran inside. The apartment I'd found a modicum of safety in held none of that for me anymore. I didn't care how, Edward knew too much. He saw too much. I had to go.

After grabbing my new phone, my purse and the bag hit the floor and I ran up the stairs. I tripped once and banged my knee as I sent Ben a text.

**Getting outta here. No questions. Call you when I get settled. Love you - Bella**

Once that was sent, I climbed the last few steps and rushed into my room.

My bags were full in a matter of minutes but as I got to the top of the stairs, the banging on the door stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Jess!" More banging. "Jess! Let me in!"

Edward was screaming outside the door, banging and turning the knob frantically as he called for me.

"I know you're here. Please let me in."

My knees buckled and I fell, barely catching myself before I rolled down the stairs.

"Jess, I'm sorry. I didn't do any of those things you said. Please you have to believe me. I would never do that to anyone and especially not to you." He pounded again. "Jess!"

From my place at the top of the stairs, I heard his phone ring and the pounding stopped.

"What?" I heard him say. "I don't know. She was fine one minute and the next she was yelling at me." He paused. "No. What did she tell you?"

It could only be Ben. I had ignored the ringing on my phone while I packed so, of course, he'd called Edward. It was the way those two worked.

"She said I was spying. You know me, Ben, I'd never… Damn it… Jess!"

There was more pounding on my door as my phone rang again. Before I could silence it, Edward heard it and pounded harder and faster.

"Jess, open…"

"Edward Anthony Masen!" Esme's voice silenced his. "What on earth is going on out here?"

"I have to talk to her." His voice was frantic, desperate.

"What the hell did you do?" she admonished him.

"I…"

"Save it!" She cut him off. "Whatever you did or didn't do, you're probably scaring that poor girl beating on her door that way. Go home-"

"Not until she talks to me."

"Edward, she obviously doesn't want to see you right now. Go home and calm down. I'll have a talk with her and I'll call you in the morning."

He tried to argue again but she hushed him and sent him on his way. Several silent seconds passed before Esme shouted again.

"Edward, go! Now!"

More silence passed before Esme's comforting voice called through my door. "Bella? Honey?"

I was sitting at the top of the stairs, hugging my knees to my chest as tears soaked through my pants.

"Edward's gone, Sweetheart, please let me in."

I refused to answer and wondered how long she would endure my silence before she actually gave up and went back inside.

"Bella." She knocked again. "Honey, I don't know what Edward said or did to upset you but please, don't shut us out. We're all here for you, Sweetheart. Whatever it is, I'm sure we can work it out."

Silence filled the air for a few seconds before another soft knock broke through.

"Bella."

The silence lasted a little longer before I got my wish.

"Alright, Sweetheart, I understand you don't want to talk. Please, just know Edward cares about you and he would never intentionally hurt you. Give him a chance to prove it. Now, get some sleep, honey. The two of you can work things out in the morning." Esme paused a second before adding, "Goodnight, Bella."

With my head resting on my knees, I whispered, "Goodbye, Esme."

I let ten minutes pass before tiptoeing down the stairs. I wrote a quick note apologizing to Edward before peeking out the window to make sure it was clear. Seeing no one, I slung the straps of my bags over my shoulder, grabbed my purse and emergency bag and walked out.

I ran the three blocks to the car I'd abandoned earlier, threw my bags in the trunk and slid into the driver's seat. Grabbing my phone, I pressed and held the number two on my speed dial. The phone connected after two rings and I spoke before he uttered a word.

"It's Bella. Does your offer for a place to stay still stand?"

"Always," he answered.

"Then I'll be there by morning."

* * *

**Damn it, Bella. Don't you know by now that running isn't the answer? Especially when you're running from someone who truly cares about you.**

**As always, big hugs and kisses to each and every one of you still on this ride with me. This isn't the easiest story to read but your support continues to mean the world to me. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


	37. Friendly Advice

**Disclaimer: The great Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story. **

**A huge thank you goes out to CherylSab, kmah88, and AgoodWITCH not only for reading this story and making it all pretty for you, but for keeping me from jumping off the cliff this story forces me to stand on. I'd be a mess without you girls. I love you all so much. **

**AN: Just a quick note, and I hate to say this, summers at work are crazy busy for me and this summer is going to be way worse. I'm going to get these chapters out as quickly as I can but I can't say how fast that will be. I'm so, so sorry for how long this is taking. Please know that I'm doing everything I can to keep myself on track.**

**With that said, let's get back to the story. See you at the bottom.**

* * *

**Chapter 37 – Friendly Advice**

_**March 11, 2009**_

"_Bella, don't do this. It's been three weeks and I'm worried about you. If it's Edward… I swear to God, I won't tell him where you are. I just want to know you're okay. Please, honey, just call me. I love you. Bye."_

I didn't even bother wiping the tears as I deleted another message from Ben. His calls were constant in the beginning – when they first found me gone – but I never had the heart to answer. I just clutched the phone to my chest and cried.

"If you're not going to answer the damn thing, just get rid of it." The smooth, slightly accented voice made me jump. I turned from my perch on the window seat to face my own personal savior.

For those who didn't know him, Demetri Costa could have been your typical boy next door. Always casually dressed, his blond hair, dazzling blue eyes and dimpled smile could make all the girls weak at the knees. He was a good, kind and caring man, but he had one tiny flaw. Demetri didn't always live on the right side of the law.

Stated plainly, Demetri was a criminal. He may not have been a murderer or a drug dealer or something equally awful, but he wasn't one to completely follow every single line written in the penal code. It was that little flaw that worked in my favor because Demetri was one of Charlotte's contacts and when she made the decision to help me disappear, he was the man who had created every false identity I'd ever used.

He and I met roughly two years ago when, for reasons I had never understood, he'd taken an interest in me and wanted to meet to hand me my first set of papers personally. After a private dinner where we'd spent the evening getting to know each other, he had given me his personal cell phone number so I could call him directly if I ever needed anything. It was a number I had used often over the years and during that time, we'd settled into a very unlikely friendship.

Demetri wasn't exactly happy when he learned the reason I had run to him, but he took me in anyway and had spent every day since trying to talk sense into me.

Through blurry eyes, I watched as he took a single step into my room and leaned casually, arms crossed over his chest, against the wall next to the door. He reminded me of Edward when he did that and the thought of him made me cry harder.

"I can't." I shook my head and turned back to stare out the window.

"She warned you in the beginning, Isabella. _No personal relationships_. You knew the life you were choosing wasn't going to be easy, but you didn't follow her advice. Now look at you…hiding in your bedroom, crying your eyes out." He spoke sternly. Demetri was never one to pull punches.

"I just want to hear his voice, Demetri."

"Why? All you're doing is dragging out his pain and making yourself miserable." I heard his heavy footsteps on the hardwood floor and then the soft creak of the rocking chair as he sat down. "Cut all ties, Bella. Text him. Tell him you're done with him. Throw away the phone and move on with your life."

"I just keep hoping…" I let the sentence die.

He sighed heavily and his voice softened. "For what? What could be worth the pain you're going through?"

"Edward." The word was barely a breath out of my mouth, but in the silent room, he heard.

"Who the fuck is Edward?" Anger replaced the softness in his voice, making me cringe. "Didn't I tell you… Jesus fucking Christ, Bella, wasn't Ben enough! If you're going to tell everyone who you are, what's the point in hiding? You might as well call James and tell him where to find you. Better yet, why don't you just go back to fucking Colorado and knock on that fucker's door."

His anger sparked my own and I turned to face him. "I didn't tell him anything," I yelled. "He was helping me! Teaching me to finally stand up for myself! Is that so fucking wrong!"

"Involving more people in your life is wrong. Don't you get that?" he shouted. "After what happened to your brother and your best friend, I would have thought you'd learned your lesson."

"They have nothing to do with this!"

"Like hell they don't." Demetri stood and walked toward me. "You saw firsthand what that psychopath is capable of. Why would you willingly subject more people to his insanity?" He sat down next to me and took my hand. "He's coming for you, Bella. A man like that… He'll never stop coming and he won't hesitate to hurt anyone who gets in his way."

"You don't think I know that?" Tears were falling harder than before.

"Then why? You know what he would do to him if he found out…"

"No." I cut him off. "He's different, Demetri."

He let go of my hand and leaned back against the wall. "Since you got here, I thought you were upset about leaving Ben behind. I thought you finally came to your senses and realized it was better for both of you to walk away, but that was never the case, was it?" I shook my head. "All this time, you've been crying over this other guy."

I dropped my head, unable to face him anymore.

"I see you now and it's obvious how much you care about him, but you know as well as I do that it only gives James another way to hurt you. So tell me what's different, Bella?"

"_He's_ different." I looked up at him, tears finally drying. "Edward isn't like anyone I've ever met before. He's strong and smart, and he's the first person to cut through my bullshit. And he sees my strength and pushes me to stand up for myself, defend myself, because to him I'm worth defending and protecting. He doesn't know anything about me, but he sees me in a way no one ever has, and I don't know if I can let that go so easily."

He sat up, grabbing my hand again. "You are worth protecting, Bella. Why else would I do everything in my power to cover your tracks and make you disappear time and time again? But what about _him_?"

"What about him?"

"Answer something for me." His eyes narrowed a little, reminding me of Edward again. "Does Edward care about you as much as you care for him?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"How do you think he's feeling right now?"

His question made my heart clench. I remembered Edward's reaction when it took me a little too long to get back to the gym the last day we were together. It had been three weeks since that day and he'd probably driven himself crazy looking for me.

"He's probably frantic right now."

"Exactly. So what do you think he'll do when someone comes around asking questions about you? How do you think he'll react?"

"I don't know," I said slowly.

"You know _exactly_ how he'll react, Bella," Demetri accused. "He'll ask more questions, trying to find his own information about where you are, and I guarantee you, James will figure him out. He'll know there's something going on between the two of you and what do you think he'll do?

"Be smart about this, Bella. James nearly murdered Jake and there were absolutely no romantic feelings involved. When he finds out about you and Edward, he's going to go crazy and do something stupid."

"But he won't find out," I argued. "I may not know exactly what he'd do, but Edward is smarter than that. Even without me telling him, he knew something wasn't right with me. He knew there was someone out there I was afraid of. Someone I was running from. He wouldn't just start answering questions if some stranger came asking about me. He would never give me up that way."

"He may not do it willingly, Bella, but what's to stop James from beating it out of him?"

I smirked. "I would drive back in a heartbeat just to watch him try."

Demetri raised an eyebrow. "Explain."

"Edward's a fighter, D. An amazing fighter. He spent years in the military training squads in all types of disciplines – karate, taekwondo, judo…" I shook my head. "You name it, he knew it. That's actually what he does for a living. He owns a gym and teaches classes to people like me, but more than that, he trains fighters. MMA fighters. He takes good fighters and makes them great. And great fighters… he makes them lethal. But when it comes down to it, none of them will ever be as good as him."

I was the one to lean back against the wall this time, looking out the window again and remembering our own training sessions. I drew my legs to my chest, rested my chin on my knees and continued, my voice losing its excitement as I spoke again.

"That's what he was doing for me. He was training me, teaching me everything he knew so I could defend myself. Because he knew, I think he always knew, there was someone I needed defending from." I picked up my head, turning to look at him again. "He wanted me safe, Demetri. James could send anyone he wants because I know in my heart that Edward would never give me up. He would send each one of them to their grave before he gave them any information about me."

"He's that good."

His grin made me smile. "He could kill them with his bare hands without breaking a sweat. It almost makes me wish, for once, James would do his own dirty work." My smile faded. "He never would, though. Not when he found out who he was dealing with."

"James may be crazy, but he's not stupid," Demetri said.

"Well, maybe just a little." I laughed.

"It's nice to see you smile, Bella," he said softly. "You haven't smiled once since you've been here."

"There's nothing to smile about."

"What?" His face fell in mock disappointment and his hand went to his chest. "I'm crushed."

Laughing again, I rolled my eyes and slapped his leg. "Being with you doesn't count."

"Now I don't count." The hurt look on his face almost looked genuine.

"No, it's easy to smile with you." His face lit up. "Because you're fucking crazy."

"Crazy is relative," he winked, "especially for a straight arrow kind of girl like you."

"Whatever." I turned my head back to the window again, mesmerized by the simplistic beauty of the Nevada desert.

We sat in silence then. Minutes could have been hours for all I knew, but neither of us felt compelled to fill it with more useless conversation. Demetri's presence was oddly comforting and I closed my eyes to the beauty outside and reveled in the silence.

My whole body was relaxed until the high-pitched ring of my phone jerked me back to attention. The device flew from my hand as if it burned me and landed in Demetri's lap. I watched as he picked it up and looked at the screen and then at me.

"It's Ben."

"I know."

"Answer it."

"No."

"You have to tell him."

"I can't."

"Two words, Bella."

"It's not that easy."

"It's over. You just have to say it."

The ringing stopped, plunging the room into silence again. My eyes clenched as the grip on my heart tightened when I heard the sound of the alert, telling me I had a new voicemail.

"I miss them too much."

"Not enough to stay."

"It killed me to leave," I choked the words out. "And my heart breaks every time that phone rings, but I keep hoping, one of these days, he'll tell me something…anything so I know Edward is okay."

"Would _you_ be?" Demetri asked. "If the situation was reversed... If _he _left you without a word, would you be okay?"

The vice gripping my chest tightened, squeezing the life from my heart and lungs.

"It would break me," I breathed.

"Then why are you here?"

My mouth opened to answer but nothing came out. I didn't know what to say.

In my head, Edward was getting too close to the truth I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I refused to force that responsibility on him, no matter how much he begged me for it. He was too good for that.

It was my heart that wanted to give in to him. Wanted to tell him everything and let him protect me. Let him love me. But that wasn't fair to him.

"Bella," Demetri's voice pulled me from my thoughts. "Your pain and your tears betray your love for them. How could you leave them behind?"

"I had to."

"Tell me why, because looking at you now, I can't imagine how this is what's best for you."

"It doesn't need to be best for me."

Demetri sighed again. "Bella, look at me."

I dropped my forehead to my knees instead.

"Look at me, damn it!"

He pulled my ankles, taking away my makeshift hiding place. My hands shot out to balance myself, but his trick worked as I looked up at him in surprise.

"I'm done watching you feel sorry for yourself," he scolded. "You've already given up everything and everyone you've ever loved to get away from this man. You've lived your life alone and in fear for more than two years but now that you finally have somewhere you want to be and two men you obviously love, one of whom, you claim, is fully capable of protecting you from James, you're running again."

"It's for their own good," I argued.

"So you keep saying. But when will it ever be for _your own good_?" He stood, took a few steps, then turned back to me. "When are you ever going to say 'fuck you' to James and live your life for you?"

"I can't do that. Neither one of them deserve the kind of life I would bring to them."

"Bullshit," he growled. "Ben's been living this life with you for a long time now."

"But I didn't stay with him, did I?" I roared.

"No, but you didn't cut him out either."

He sat on the edge of my bed, his body tense, corded muscles straining in his arms as he gripped the black comforter. A few seconds passed before he let out a deep breath and his body relaxed.

"Bella, you know I never approved of your relationship with Ben. Not that my opinion ever mattered, but I always thought it was dangerous for you to let someone get so close. Ben has earned my respect since then. Not only has he kept your secret, he's been good for you.

"You and I have known each other for a long time now and I've gotten to know your voice quite well, so I can read your emotions when you call. Near the end of the year, I knew there was something wrong. I could hear it. Then, with your last phone call, something changed. Dare I say, you were happy again and when I asked, your only explanation was 'Ben.' That was it. Just one word." He let out a humorless laugh.

"Sometimes that's the only explanation there is." The corner of my mouth lifted. "He's a force all his own. Honestly, though," he looked up then and met my eyes, "that was when Ben sent me to Edward."

"Sent you?"

"Edward is Ben's best friend," I told him. "Ben believed he could help, so he sent me to Edward's gym to train. That's where I've been for the past month and Edward's been nothing short of amazing. In the gym, he's ruthless and he taught me to stand up again, taught me what I need to face James again. Outside the gym, we've helped each other, given each other strength and courage to face the past again. He's a great man and we've became close. We've become friends."

"Just friends?"

I smiled and nodded.

"Well, this explains the happiness I heard in your voice when you called me asking for new papers. What it doesn't explain is why you're here." He glared at me. "If Edward is everything you say he is, why would you leave him?"

"To protect him."

"That's bullshit and you know it." I opened my mouth to argue but he cut me off. "You've already told me the man's lethal, that he'd kill any man James sent to find you. So what the hell are you protecting him from?"

"I… He… He doesn't…" I stammered, unable to finish a single thought.

"That's what I thought," he said. "Your excuse doesn't hold up, Bella. So why don't you tell me the real reason?"

"I already told you."

"And you lied."

"I'm not lying."

"You are. You're lying to me and you're lying to yourself." He came to sit across from me again. "You're not running to protect _him_, Bella. You're running to protect yourself. Because you're in love with him."

"No." My head shook. "No, you're wrong."

"I can see it in your eyes and I can hear it in your voice when you talk about him. You love him, Bella, and it scares you. It scares you so much that you ran from it. You ran from him."

"I don't." Tears stung the backs of my eyes. "I didn't. I had to get away before he learned the truth."

"And what would be so bad if he knew?"

"Are you kidding me right now?" My voice cracked as I wiped away the few tears that began to fall. "You flipped when I first told you about Ben and less than an hour ago, you went off on me about Edward. Now you're telling me it wouldn't be a bad thing for Edward to know the truth. What happened to 'no relationships' and 'protecting my identity at all costs'?" I air quoted around the two phrases he had repeated to me a thousand times when we argued about Ben.

"Don't try to turn this around on me," he admonished. "You didn't listen to our advice before, so don't act like it means so much to you now. You're running because you're scared and I understand that." He reached forward and grabbed my hand.

"You've been running for a long time, Bella. And you've been running for very good reasons but with Edward, with everything you told me about him, those reasons aren't valid anymore."

"So, what? You're changing your whole attitude now," I challenged. "You're telling me it's okay to share the details of my life so long as the person I'm telling can fend off attackers when they come. Should I start asking for resumes? Training histories? Background checks?"

"Don't be a fucking smartass," he warned. "And I'm not telling you to stop being cautious. Just… Fuck, I can't believe I'm saying this." He scrubbed his hands roughly over his face. "I just don't want you to be so cautious that you find yourself passing up something that could change your life."

There was no way I'd heard him correctly. The man who had drilled anonymity into my head from our very first meeting wanted me to let everything go and start telling the truth.

"You what? You want me to stop…"

"No, Bella, that's not what I meant. Damn it." He shot up and grabbed my hand. "Come with me."

He pulled me from my seat and dragged me out into the hallway. From there, he led me down two hallways and up a flight of stairs to the third floor where I hesitated.

When I got here three weeks ago, he had showed me around the mansion-sized home he lived in and told me, in no uncertain terms, where I could and could not go. The third floor was his and no one was ever allowed up here, not even those who worked for him.

Demetri tugged my arm. "I want to show you something."

My feet moved and we walked through another hallway before we came to a solitary door at the end of the hall. He put his hand on the silver doorknob and paused.

"I haven't been in here in a long time," he muttered then turned the knob and pushed the door open.

Sunlight filled the room reflecting off the white walls, nearly blinding me. In one corner, an easel draped in white stood alone by the floor-to-ceiling windows. On the opposite wall, there was a fireplace surrounded by a couch and chair, also draped in white, dust-covered sheets. Above the fireplace, another cloth-covered object sat in the center of the mantle.

Demetri let my hand fall as he walked toward the fireplace. He pulled the cloth and revealed a beautiful silver picture frame which held a picture of a gorgeous woman with a bright smile. Her hair was a few shades lighter than mine but her soft, brown eyes were oddly similar to my eyes.

"Demetri," I whispered, afraid to interrupt the private moment he seemed to be having as he stared at the photo.

"Her name was Heidi."

_Was?_ I repeated in my head. Was, was never a good word.

"I had been working with Charlotte for few years when I got a phone call from her, begging me to drive to St. George to go pick up one of her girls. Normally, I didn't get involved in that manner but she was frantic and it was only a couple of hours away, so I agreed. I grabbed one of my guys and took off.

"It was dark when we got there and the lack of light in the house made me nervous. Then we heard a scream and a crash and went rushing toward the house. It took us a few tries to get through the front door and when we did, we found her lying in the middle of the hallway with glass shattered on the floor around her. She wasn't hurt too badly – a broken arm and a gash down the side of her face here." He ran his finger from his temple to the middle of his cheek.

Looking at the picture, I noticed how her hair hung in a curtain over her right cheek. It covered the scar well, leaving only a small line visible just over her right eye. If you didn't know where you look, you wouldn't have seen it.

"While Randall searched the house, I gathered her up as gently as I could. She was out cold so she wouldn't have felt anything, but I didn't want to hurt her any further than she already had been. When he came back saying the house was empty, he helped me stand and we left. On the drive back, I called my doctor and told him to meet us at the house. I had to make it worth his while, of course, but he agreed.

"There are no bedrooms on the first floor, as you know, so I had some of the guys create a makeshift bedroom in the family room so we didn't have to carry her up the stairs. Randall must have had his foot to the floor the whole way back 'cause we got here in a little under ninety minutes. As soon as we had her inside, the doctor got right to work.

"I held her hand the entire time and when she finally woke up, she was in a panic. I explained who I was and that she was safe, but she didn't really relax until she heard Charlotte's name. I gave her my phone when she asked if she could call her and I watched as a thousand emotions crossed her face until a look of relief finally settled in and she ended the call."

I was able to picture the relieved look on the woman's face because I could remember having those same conversations with Charlotte in the beginning. She had always been able to calm me down and talk some sense into me when everything in life seemed like it was going wrong. She was my voice of reason for a really long time and it wasn't until I found Ben that I stopped relying on her so much.

The corner of my mouth lifted a little as I thought of Ben, but I was brought back to the room when Demetri's spoke again.

"I _never_ got involved," he said forcefully. "Papers…that was it. That was the extent of my connection to any of them. But holding her in my lap all the way back from St. George and then sitting with her for those few hours until she woke up left me feeling protective of her. She seemed so helpless and I wanted to do anything I could to keep her safe. So when I left her alone to talk to the doctor, I called Charlotte back and told her she could stay here; she could stay with me for as long as she wanted. She wasn't sure at first, but I left her no room for argument. She ended the call but only after telling me she would work hard to find somewhere else for her to go."

Hearing the bitterness in his voice as he spoke the last sentence, I had to ask the question that was burning in the back of my mind.

"And did she?" He looked at me for the first time since bringing me into this room. "Find another place for her, I mean."

"Yes, but not for a while."

That wasn't like Charlotte at all. She'd been in business a long time and had built a huge network of friends. She was able to find any one of us a new place to stay within a couple of weeks.

"What took her so long?" I asked.

He shrugged and spoke quietly. "Don't know. And I didn't really care either. She was safe and I liked having her here." He turned and walked slowly through the room, stopping in front of the windows in the corner. "We spent a lot of time together but, like you, she'd been on the run a long time so she was pretty closed off. It wasn't until she found this room, this view," he nodded toward the window, "that she started to open up."

The room was beautiful even sparsely decorated as it was, though I didn't see its appeal. I was about to ask what he meant when he continued.

"She was an amazing artist. Paints, chalks, oils, it didn't matter; she could use them all. When she found this room and opened up to me about her love for art, I had Randall take her into town and buy her everything her heart could desire." He turned, motioning to the easel and a large set of shelves against the far wall stocked with dust-covered art supplies. "This room became hers and she created masterpieces here." A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "Every piece of artwork on the main floor is hers."

"Wow," I whispered, remembering the art I had been admiring since I'd been here. "They're all so beautiful."

He nodded and hummed his quiet agreement. "She could get lost in here for hours, sometimes days, when she was working on some of the more intricate pieces. And when I wasn't working, I'd sit here with her just reading and enjoying her quiet company. It was in this room, surrounded by everything that made her comfortable, that she finally told me about her hus..." he paused for a second before changing his words, "her ex-husband.

"I remember that day perfectly. I was sitting on the couch reading the latest Tom Clancy book, smiling at every grunt and sigh of frustration she would let out. When her easel crashed to the floor, I rushed to her side, knowing something was seriously wrong. She was in tears and her arms wound around my waist so tight I would have sworn I'd end up with bruises." He took a deep breath then continued. "She had been so reserved up to that point, never once breaking down and I didn't know what to do. So I picked her up and carried her to the couch and just held her. It was all I could think of. I held her and told her everything would be okay. I told her she was safe. I told her I would always take care of her. I don't know how much of it she heard or if she heard anything at all before she finally cried herself to sleep.

"She was so beautiful while she slept," he said wistfully. "Not to say that she wasn't any other time, but without all the tension and sadness that was present every waking minute of the day, she was stunning. I had never been a relationship kind of guy but at that moment, I could see it. A whole life with her.

"I pushed a few strands of hair away from her face and brushed my fingertips across her cheek. I couldn't help myself. I had to touch her but once I did, I wanted more. The urge to kiss her overpowered the guilt I felt at doing something I knew she'd never let me do when she was awake, so I leaned down a little and did it. Her lips were so soft and I wanted more. I wanted everything, but I couldn't take it. I couldn't do that to her so I forced myself to stop. Only when I pulled back, those beautiful eyes were staring up at me."

"And she panicked," I added, knowing how that scenario would end.

He chuckled. "That's putting it lightly. She flew off the couch, crying again and screaming at me, telling me I shouldn't have done that. That I couldn't mean anything to her and that I shouldn't have feelings for her. She ran for the door but I got there first and blocked her escape."

My breath caught as he basically described my last few nights with Edward. Everything Heidi had told him was exactly what I had told Edward before I finally left. It was all starting to make sense – his defense of Edward, him telling me to go back, to tell him the truth. Demetri had been in Edward's position and the woman he fell in love with left him and it didn't sound like she looked back.

"We fought…well, _she_ fought," he said, breaking into my thoughts. "She yelled and screamed and pushed at me to get me to move, but I couldn't. I knew if I opened those doors, she'd be gone. She would have left and never came back and I couldn't let that happen. So, I kept trying to comfort and reassure her that she was safe with me, that I'd never let anything hurt her again, that she could trust me and I would protect her with my life."

My heart clenched. They were all the same words Edward said to me. All the words I didn't want to hear because I didn't want him to get involved.

"She broke down again," he went on, "collapsing to the floor, curling in on herself and crying hysterically. I went to her again, lifted her head and made her look at me. Seeing her that way almost made _me_ cry, but I had to be the strong one. I had to be the one she could depend on and I told her as much. I begged her to let me in, to let me help, but all she could say was no."

Hearing him relive a life that mirrored my own hurt worse than any pain I'd felt since I walked through his door. It hurt because, through Demetri, I was seeing Edward's pain laid out in front of me. I was seeing everything he went through when I pushed him away and the thought of it, the thought of hurting him that way, sliced my heart in two.

"But you got her to listen, though. Didn't you?" I asked, my voice a little thick as I fought to hide my own pain.

"She got this terrified look in her eyes and told me over and over that she couldn't tell me. She begged me to let her go. She kept saying it would be better if she just left. Better." He let out a humorless laugh. "Better for whom? Not her and certainly not me," he said bitterly.

"You told her that, I hope."

He nodded. "We argued back and forth until the pressure finally got to her. _'Because he'll kill you,' _she shouted at me. I was so surprised by her words that I laughed. I would have never made light of her fears and I felt so horrible when she burst into tears again, but I couldn't help it. I was…relieved." He turned to me for a second time. "You've seen the security around here. It's the reason Charlotte stopped insisting she leave. See, Charlotte understood that with me, she was in the safest place she could ever be. I just couldn't get her to believe it.

"I tried to tell her that inside these walls, neither of us had anything to worry about, but she kept insisting I didn't understand. So I asked her to tell me, make me understand what she was afraid of." He drew in a deep breath and whispered, "I wasn't ready. I thought I was. I thought I could handle anything she would say, but I was nowhere near prepared for the truth. The atrocities she suffered at her husband's hand." His head shook. "I was the one crying in the end and after all my promises to help her, after swearing to be the one she could depend on, she was the one comforting me.

"This woman, who had suffered through some of the most horrific treatment imaginable, was comforting me. I made her relive every detail, because I just _had to know_, and then forced her to soothe and calm _me_ down. What kind of fucking man does that?"

Crossing the room swiftly, I wrapped my arms around him. His entire body tensed because hugging wasn't something we ever did. We didn't have that kind of relationship. But I couldn't help myself. There were too many emotions passing between us at the moment – his and my own – to hold back. I needed the comfort almost as much as he seemed to.

"It wasn't your fault, Demetri," I told him. He relaxed and his arms circled my back. "No one knows the awful things someone like Heidi…" He flinched when I said her name and I realized then that he hadn't said it once after the first time. I changed direction quickly, bringing the focus to me. "Someone like me has gone through."

I took a step back from him, gripping his shoulders and staring intently into his eyes to make sure he understood what I was about to say.

"It's easy for anyone to say they'll bear the burden because they think they know what they're up against. But until they know the truth, until they know the fear and the anger and the pain that we've suffered, it's just talk. Empty words that mean nothing until they can see with their own eyes the terror we live with. Most of them can't handle it. We're too much trouble. But there are those rare people out there that see us for what we are, broken and damaged beyond repair, and yet they still step up. They can still look us in the eye and say 'let me help you' and they'll mean it with the utmost sincerity." I moved my hands to cup his face. "You're one of those people, Demetri.

"You took one look at her and knew, no matter what she'd been through, you could help her heal. And I'll bet everything I have that, when you learned the truth, you didn't run. You stood up for her. You made her feel safe. You gave her a home and a life she never dreamed of having." Leaving one hand in place, I turned his head toward Heidi's picture. "And by the smile I see on her face, and the beauty and absolute happiness that radiates from that picture, you made her feel loved."

"I did love her. I loved her more than anything and once she gave me a chance, gave _us_ a chance, we were happy." A small smile formed but disappeared just as quickly. "We got married and we were going to have a baby. A little girl."

Demetri choked on the last three words and his eyes filled with tears. There was no evidence of a woman here, no children, and every time he referred to Heidi, he used the past tense. Every 'was', 'were', and 'did' told me where this story ended and my heart broke for him.

His eyes never left the picture. "She needed more paint for the nursery and Randall offered to take her. I would have gone myself but I was working. And she joked about having to make the trip anyway since I would have gotten the wrong paint." A few tears fell. "I always got the wrong paint," he said more to himself than me.

"She kissed me goodbye; I went back to work. Six hours. They were gone too long. The phone startled me and I hoped…" He shook his head. "The detective rang the doorbell a few minutes after."

His sentences were disjointed as if he was unable to speak every detail, though still telling the story as it played out in his head.

"They said he followed her. He shot Randall first and one of the clerks. H-he sh-shot her and then himself. They made me identify her body and…"

My own tears fell as I watched him swallow back his pain. I pulled him into another tight hug, offering any comfort I could. "No more," I whispered in his ear.

His arms folded around my waist, his head dropped to my shoulder and he cried. This was my biggest fear realized. Something happening to me and leaving the people I loved broken. No, that was wrong. My worst fear was Edward or Ben or anyone else getting hurt because of me, but this was a close second.

He had to get out of this room. Taking a step back, I grabbed his hand. "Come on."

I led him back down to my room and settled him into the rocking chair. I took the chair at the desk, watching as Demetri rocked slowly and stared out the window.

"She was the reason, wasn't she?" I said softly, breaking the silence.

"The reason for…?" He let the question drift away.

"Meeting me in the beginning."

"Charlotte told me about you but when she gave me your picture…" He let out a heavy breath. "The two of you are so much alike; I just had to see it.

"Everything about you reminded me of her. I told myself, if I could help you and keep you safe, then I could finally make amends. I could finally make up for failing her so badly."

"But you didn't. You..."

"If I didn't," he cut me off angrily, "she would be here. Alive. With our daughter."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"Don't." He threw up a dismissive hand, ending my apology.

Curiosity burned in me and the next question slipped out. "How long ago?"

"Nine years," he answered. "I tried for a long time to block it all out, but it never worked. I missed her too much." He scoffed. "I still miss her."

His admission sparked a flicker of anger in me.

"Why then?" I raised my voice and he turned to look at me. "Why would you tell me about her if you're trying to convince me to go back? If this could happen to you, why would you want me to put Edward in that kind of danger?"

"Because I know how he feels!" Demetri yelled and sat forward. "You ran out on him, Bella, and he doesn't even know why. You knew he cared about you but left him anyway and I know what that's doing to him. At least Heidi stayed. She was terrified but she stayed."

"That was different," I shouted back.

"Why? What makes the two of you different?"

"Nothing," I answered. "Heidi and I are exactly the same. We lived the same life. You're the one who's different. You and Edward are completely different.

"He's not like you, Demetri! He doesn't live behind walls built to keep everyone out. He doesn't surround himself with armed guards. He's out there alone every day. Vulnerable to everything someone like James could…"

"Vulnerable?" Demetri let out a cold, humorless laugh and pushed himself out of the chair. "'_He could kill them with his bare hands without breaking a sweat.'_ Those _were_ your words, right? So which is it, Bella? Can he kill them? Can he do everything you said he can do to protect you? Or is he so _vulnerable_ that you're willing to break his heart and yours in a move to protect him?"

My eyes widened and I tried to answer but I had no words.

"That's what I thought." Demetri crossed the room to the open door. "You're a smart girl, Bella, but you better think really hard before you ruin what could be the best thing in your life."

The door slammed behind him as he walked out.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

For the next week, Demetri was like a ghost. I had run into him in the hallways a few times but other than that, he was either buried deep in his work or locked away in one of the few rooms on the third floor.

I would hear him sometimes in the middle of the night, raiding the kitchen and playing his music upstairs. And on one stealthy trip into forbidden territory, I noticed the light shining through a crack in the door of Heidi's art room.

When he took me to that room, he'd told me he hadn't been inside in a long time. As I stole a peek inside, I realized telling me her story must have affected him more than he let on because he was lying on the now uncovered couch, eyes closed and clutching the picture frame to his chest with a few beer bottles littering the floor next to him as he slept.

I gasped as a sudden image of Edward took his place. The thought of him in any kind of pain hurt me, but knowing I was the cause of it hurt a million times worse. As quietly as I could, I slipped back down to my room, dropped onto my bed and reached for the nightstand to grab my phone. My finger hovered over the numbers, but I couldn't bring myself to push a single one.

All week, Demetri's words ran through my mind and I realized he was right. I left Edward with nothing but a half-hearted apology. And it wasn't even face-to-face. I left him a note. A fucking note because I was too much of a coward to face him. What could I possibly say to him now to make that better? Would he even pick up the phone? After the way I treated him, he probably hated me.

"Oh God, he hates me." I dropped my phone, buried my face in the pillow and cried.

Everything I did to him, everything I said to him, was so wrong. Demetri was right. Edward was everything I ever wanted and told myself I could never have. But I pushed him away. No matter how many times he told me he cared, I pushed him away.

And why? To protect him? To keep him safe? Or was Demetri right about that too?

Was I running to save Edward or myself? And what was I willing to sacrifice…my heart or his?

Question after question swirled through my mind until the headache was too much to bear. I didn't want to think about it anymore. I just needed relief. Relief from the worry and doubt. Relief from everything inside me that hurt. Relief from the knowledge that Edward could be hurting because of me.

Taking Demetri's lead, I made a trip downstairs. Unlike him, beer wouldn't cut it tonight. I wanted something stronger, something to make me forget, if only for a little while. So I grabbed the bottle of vodka from behind the bar and went back to my room.

~..~..~..~..~..~..~

The incessant poking in my ribs woke me up. I peeled my eyes open to see the fading light of the day. The poking continued and I groaned, slapping the hand away. A chuckle turned my head to see Demetri sitting on the bed next to me, smiling and twirling the empty vodka bottle in his hands.

"Has living with me really been so bad that I've driven you to drink?"

"Shut up."

I slapped at his stomach with as much force as I could manage, which wasn't much if his laugh was any indication. Pushing myself up, I groaned at the throbbing pain in my head. Demetri laughed again.

"Here, drink this."

He held out a glass filled to the top with some disgusting looking green concoction.

"Hell no." I put up a hand to stop him from forcing the green sludge on me. "What are you even doing in here anyway?"

"Come on, Bella, just drink it," he said, ignoring my question.

"It smells like something died in there."

"What?" He put the glass to his nose and sniffed. "I got the freshest roadkill I could find. You shouldn't be able to smell anything."

He peeked over the top of the glass, smirking at me. I punched him in the side, this time causing him to grunt.

"Asshole."

He laughed hard for a few seconds before settling himself and pushing the drink toward me again.

"Best hangover remedy in the world. I promise it'll make you feel better in no time."

Taking the glass from him, I smelled it myself. It was even worse close up.

"What's in this thing?"

His nose scrunched up. "Maybe you shouldn't ask me that." I lifted an eyebrow at him and he rolled his eyes. "Just drink it."

"Ugh…fine," I growled then clutched my head.

I almost gagged on the first mouthful but Demetri touched his fingers to the bottom of the glass, lifting it so I couldn't stop drinking. When the sludge was finally gone, I shoved the glass into Demetri's chest.

"Happy?" I glared at him. "Now tell me what you're doing here. You haven't spoken more than five words to me all week. It's like we're not even friends anymore."

"Okay, drama queen." He rolled his eyes. "Look, I came to tell you I'm leaving."

"Wait…what?"

"Don't freak out, Bella. It's only for a couple of weeks." He chuckled. "My father's taking a trip back to Italy to visit my grandparents and asked me to join him."

During our first dinner together, I had asked Demetri how he found himself in the business of falsifying identities. He'd told me about his grandparents immigrating to the States when his father was only a year old to make a better life for him. Opportunities weren't what they had hoped for and his grandfather fell in with some shady people and they put him to work. He had worked hard for them and learned their business. The money was good and provided them with enough to live the life they wanted.

When Demetri's father came of age, he worked at his father's side but, with his intelligence, he took their business in a few different directions, all of which were far more lucrative than they ever imagined.

Demetri had grown up with the money and status his father had provided him, and in his mind there was never a question what he would do with his life. When he met Charlotte, he took everything he knew and turned it into his own growing business. Finally, with his family taken care of, his grandfather felt compelled to give everything up and move back to their home country to live out his days.

"I remember you told me about him once," I said. "It'll be good for you to see him again."

Knowing how much family meant to him, I smiled, genuinely happy for him. But the smile was short-lived as my mind went back to the decision I made last night before I drank myself to sleep.

"Demetri, I can't stay…"

"Don't worry," he said, cutting me off. "I already told you, my home is yours. You can stay here as long as you wish."

"You have no idea how much that means to me, but I think it's time for me to go."

"Bella, don't do this." The frustration in his words felt like a weight on me. "Stay…for just a little while longer and get yourself together. Find yourself again. Don't run again because you think you have to or because you're afraid. No one can hurt you here."

"I'm hurting _myself_ by being here," I admitted. "It's taken me long enough to figure everything out, but I know now that you were right."

"Naturally." He smirked.

"Be serious." I swung at him.

"Ow, sorry," he whined, rubbing his chest where my fist made contact. "Tell me what I was so right about."

"Edward." I ignored his grin. "I tried so hard to stay detached. I tried to keep my distance, but it was impossible. He's so genuine, so kind and caring; he made it impossible not to care about him. And I know he feels the same way about me.

"The night I left, he begged me trust him, to let him in and tell him the truth. And a part of me wanted to do it, but I couldn't let go of that fear. I was terrified to bring him into my world and put his life at risk." I shrugged. "I still am…but if there's anyone in this world who can stand up for me, and protect me _and_ himself, it's Edward."

"So," he grabbed my hand, "no more running?"

"No more running," I agreed and squeezed his hand. "I'm going home."

* * *

**Home. **_** Edward**_** is home and that sounds good to me.**

**As always, big hugs and kisses to each and every one of you still on this ride with me. Your support continues to mean the world to me. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to let me know what you think. Until next time…much love to you – D**


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